#but i KNEW it was going to end with ganymede still being stuck with his abuser

[radiantmists]

binged both chalice of the gods and the hidden oracle in the last few days and tbh i don't care if zeus would blast me to bits, if he were real it would be on sight

[astralbooks]

Foul Lady Fortune - Chloe Gong

Read: 07/08/2022 - 16/08/2022

Rating: 5/5

Rep: largely Chinese cast, Japanese side characters, demisexual main character, bisexual main character/love interest, bisexual pov character, trans woman pov character

CW: murder, on page death, poison, gun violence, knife violence, hospitals, needles, human experimentation, references to war, head injury & repercussions of a head injury

Review:

Picture this. You’re working on your dissertation. It’s due in less than a month. You need to spend nearly all your time working on it if you’re going to have a chance of getting it done on time. However, you know that if you don’t do something you enjoy from time to time then you’re likely to burn yourself out very quickly, which is the opposite of helpful. You also have an arc of your most anticipated book of the year sitting on your NetGalley account. Waiting for you. Naturally, you start to use this book as a reward system of sorts. You use reading a chapter or so here and there as a break from working, as well as letting yourself read as much as you like whenever you’re stuck waiting for the bus. This system works perfectly. Everything is fine.

Until you reach roughly the last third of the book, of course. Because that’s when shit hits the fan and the book goes from being already highly enjoyable to utterly un-put-downable. 

I lost a whole day to this book and I don’t regret it at all.

I’m less familiar with As You Like It than I am with Romeo and Juliet so it wasn’t as easy to spot where aspects of the original play were being adapted as it was through the original duology. It took me longer than I’m willing to admit that Rosalind’s alias for much of the book was chosen due to it sounding similar to Ganymede. In my defence, my brain was a little fried while I was reading this due to the whole dissertation thing. However, just like in the original duology, Gong has taken the events of the play and real historical events and blended them with her own characters and speculative elements to create a story that I’m genuinely happy to call a masterpiece.

Another thing that’s carried over from the original duology is my love for the characters. I enjoyed reading from every single different pov, which is no small achievement, and by the end of the book I knew that I need all of the major characters to get a happy ending. This duology being based on a comedy rather than a tragedy means that I have a lot more hope that I’m going to get that happy ending this time around, and I’m clinging to that, because I need them to be okay!!!

Something that I think Gong did particularly well in this book is the different sibling relationships and dynamics. Rosalind and Orion both have siblings working for the opposing side. Rosalind and Celia have remained close despite everything, even though as far as their superiors are concerned they aren’t in contact anymore, and it’s probably not inaccurate to say that their first loyalty is to each other rather than to anyone or anything else. This is very different from how Orion feels about Oliver, though Orion does still deeply love his younger sister Phoebe. I love stories about siblings and about complicated sibling relationships, and this was a great instance of both.

A book about spies and intrigue is naturally going to have plot twists and uncertainty as to who can and cannot be trusted. There are so many twists and turns that kept me guessing right up to the last few pages, and nobody is beneath suspicion. Crucially, at no point did the twists feel egregious, or that there was too much going on. Everything felt perfectly paced and felt like they worked for the overall story. 

Also, I dislike fake dating as a general rule, because it usually involves the people doing the fake dating lying to the rest of their loved ones and it leads to a lot of miscommunication, so I was a little wary going into this even with how high my expectations were. I needn’t have worried at all. All the elements of fake dating plots that I dislike were absent, and Rosalind and Orion made such a great team! Reading about their growing trust in each other and their developing relationship was nothing short of a joy!

If you’re even passingly interested in this one I’d highly recommend giving it a go. Though beware, it does spoil the events of the previous duology, so if you’re interested in those books then I’d recommend reading them in chronological order rather than starting here. Good thing those books are great too!

Thank you to Hodder & Stoughton and NetGalley for providing me with an e-arc in return for an honest review.

[starlightelegy]

Starlight Elegy - Chapter 3

The thief

“I saw you in my dreams, many times. I knew you before you even existed.” I was shocked by this revelation. So I wasn’t the only one? There was really something going on between us? Something that did not bring me to them, but to him specifically? But how? Why? Everything was so confusing in my mind.

“So you knew from the beginning that there was something between us? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I tried to ignore it at first. I didn’t know you, and didn’t want to influence your feelings. But ignoring the truth only made it more present, it was stuck in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And about your feelings, considering how comfortable you are with me, I suppose it’s too late to say “don’t try to get close to me”, right?” 

“Even without knowing that, you didn’t really help me not getting closer. Everyone told me at first that you were often cold and rude and to be careful not to anger you but from the beginning you’ve always been kind to me. I mean maybe not the very first time but you know what I mean. I wouldn’t say that you’re the opposite of what they told me, but not the exact same either.” I explained calmly, trying to ignore my own feelings.

“I just…Can’t bring myself to be like that with you. Because of these dreams I had.” He frowned, and suddenly he didn’t seem as stoic as before.

“And do you know what all of this means?”

“I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. We should forget about it.” He started walking faster, as if to avoid the conversation. Did he really mean that? How could I ever forget about something like this? I walked faster too to catch him, and noticed he seemed to be uncomfortable. I decided not to say more, not wanting to make things worse, but still confused at the sudden mood change. I kept following him, and we ended up at the spaceship, where the other crew members were already waiting for us.

“We’ve been waiting for you guys! Were you lost? Or too busy flirting?” Said Helios, chuckling, Mars staring at us with a large smile behind them, and Asteroid sighing.

“I just took my time in the shop. We also got Nyx some stuff.” Ganymede replied quick, completely ignoring their remarks about us. And I was really glad he did that before I got embarrassed. 

“Sure man, whatever you say. Anyway, Nyx, we got your registration done so you’re officially a member of our crew! To celebrate, let’s all go to a restaurant! There will be plenty of these on our way back.” We all went to the spaceship again and got ready to go. Ganymede stayed alone in his room, probably working with his new stuff and refused my help. So I stayed with the others.

“So, Nyx, tell us about your life on Earth!” It was Helios again, always curious about everything. I liked that about them. And they made talking easy, even for me.

“Oh, well, there’s not much to say. I’ve never been able to go for a spatial career so I was just trying to survive I guess, going from jobs to other jobs because I have never found something I was really interested in.” I knew this wasn’t the most interesting life. But what could I say? It was how mine was back on Earth.

“But what about your personal life? What do you like outside of space and writing? How were you before meeting us? I’m curious!” Forgot what I said, talking wasn’t always easy, even with them. I hated talking about myself, but I guess these guys wanted to get to know me, as we were going to spend a lot of time together.

“I don’t really like many things besides space…maybe video games and mythologies. Animals too. I enjoyed their presence more than humans because humans always deceived me. I guess I was used to being on my own and never really had friends either.” I explained, trying to keep a neutral expression.

“Oh man, what happened for you to think that?” Mars asked, genuinely curious.

“I don’t…really want to talk about it.” I didn’t want to, I really did not. I knew it would make me feel awful, and I couldn’t be like this in front of them. I wasn’t even sure they would understand, they all seemed to be pretty comfortable around others.

“Are you sure? We can make you feel better!”

“Dude, they said they don’t wanna talk about it, leave them alone.” It was Ganymede, and for some reason, he seemed irritated. He crossed his arms and frowned. “They love to talk, too much. But don’t let them invade your space. Tell me if they bother you again.” His mood seemed to have changed again, his tone was softer now, but still with some hint of anger? and it seemed like he was irritated by Mars’ and Helios’ questions, and not by me or our conversation like he was earlier.

“They weren’t bothering me…And I wouldn’t say something I don’t want to say anyway.”

“Good.” And he left. What was that? Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. Mars spoke again.

“You mentioned you like animals from Earth right? Do you have a favorite?”

“Well, I love horses, birds, cats…” He cut me off.

“Cats? Oh yeah those creatures!! They’re funny!”

“Talking about cats, there’s a planet close to here, where all the species are cat-looking. There’s a good restaurant, also. We could go there?” Helios said, excitement in their voice. I replied, just as excited to see some alien cats.

“Sounds good!”

“Then let’s go darlings!”

The rest of the trip went calmly. We played card games while listening to music and even Ganymede joined us. We arrived at the restaurant, and it was full of cat-looking people. By the look on their faces, they were clearly used to the presence of other species on their planet. Which was a relief for me, scared of having the same treatment as earlier in the space shop. We sat and ordered. Of course, I had no idea what to choose, since I didn’t know any of these things. It was like eating in a different country, but the country was a whole planet in another galaxy.

“I recommend this. It’s similar to those creatures you call fish. I have a feeling you’d like it.” Asteroid said calmly, keeping his eyes on the menu as he spoke.

“I will try that then.” I smiled. The atmosphere here was great, literally. It was the same as on Earth, so I could breathe normally. Now that I was thinking about it, it was the same on Asteri Alpha, I didn’t wear my space suit and was able to breathe just fine. Maybe they had an artificial atmosphere or something after all.

We started eating and the fish was better than anything I’ve had on Earth. It was cooked with some plants and other things I couldn’t describe. But I looked away for a second to get some water and the fish disappeared. “Where is my food?”

“Look, over there, this little guy stole it.” Mars said while pointing at something that was running away. It looked like a kitten, but it had two tails, had bigger ears than Earth’s cats, and its fur was glowing white. It had a few black markings that contrasted with its bright fur, it was stunning. The little creature stopped to look at us and ran away, again. I stood up and ran after it.

“Wait, I’ll help you!!” Mars ran after me as I tried to catch the little fella. But it was fast, being able to levitate was also a big advantage. It ran into an empty, abandoned street to eat its food.

“Don’t move too fast. It’s a Floatten, they are very shy and often fear people because they are being rejected.” Mars explained, almost whispering. I imitated him.

“Why? I find it cute.”

“Their glowing fur makes them look like ghosts and they tend to appear near graveyards, so the people from this planet started to think they were spirits of dead people and that if you see one it means something bad is going to happen. And seeing many of them is a sign of the end of the world. So people avoid them.”

“I don’t believe in superstitions. An animal is an animal. And this one seems to be hungry.” I approached the creature slowly, and calmly talked to it.

“Hey little guy. I don’t want to scare you or hurt you. You seem to be hungry, so you can keep the fish, I hope you will enjoy it! I am sorry people are scared of you. They don’t know that you are more scared than them. Don’t blame them, sometimes people believe stupid things. Anyway, enjoy your meal!” The kitten looked at me the whole time, its eyes big, round and full of interest. Suddenly I had an idea.

“Mars? Can we keep it?”

“I doubt it will follow us. It’s a wild animal.”

“But look at it, it seems to be less scared and it doesn’t run away anymore.” I was genuinely concerned for this little guy and really wanted to help it. Also, it was probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen.

“Well, Floattens won’t follow someone they don’t trust. Let’s go back to the others and see if it follows you.” I smiled and we walked back to the restaurant where the others were probably waiting for us to return. And I noticed that the little floating creature was following us, keeping a safe distance between us.

“See? It's still there.”

“I suppose it likes you. Let’s see what the others think of this idea.”

“Wait a second.” I approached the cat and gave it my hand to let it sniff it. It did, and rubbed its head in my hand, like a cat from Earth would. I grabbed it and took it in my arms and it didn’t try to fight me. “Now I’m ready to go!”

We joined the others, apparently done with their meals.

“So you finally caught that little thief?” Asteroid spoke first, looking at the little guy in my arms.

“Yes and I would like to keep it, I promise it won’t bother any of you.”

“I don’t see a problem with it. But it’s Helios’ spaceship.”

“I don’t mind either but you’re the only one taking care of it. If there’s something to clean because of it, you’ll do it.” Helios said, clearly unbothered by the idea, which made me happy.

“Yes! Thank you so much!”

“What are you going to call it?” Asked Mars.

“Hmm…Let’s see…Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Floattens are genderless. So, do whatever you want with the name.” Asteroid explained. Genderless? I wished humans could take these creatures as an exemple. It sur would have made my life easier. I thought for a moment, then found something that suited it.

“Then…Orion!”

“Orion? Isn’t that the name humans gave to one of their constellations?”

“Yes! Its name comes from a hunter in Greek mythology, and this little guy is kind of a hunter itself!” I proudly explained, happy to be able to teach these guys something for once.

“I see, then that’s a good name.”

“Can we go now? I need to work.” Oh, Ganymede, who hasn’t talked since that “incident” in the spaceship, finally found his voice again. Everyone laughed, except him, of course.

“Yes, let’s go back to Earth!”

[greenflamedwriter]

Percy AU NOTES

Keith as Nico di angelo and Lance as Percy Jackson.

But Lance was never claimed so he assumed he was Hermes kid he meshed well with them.

But once Keith got claimed so did lance and then shiro their dads had some sort of rivalry.

They didn’t account for the three to fall in love with each other. After and intense mission to save medusa. For lance. Personophene for Keith and Ganymede for Shiro.

Lance is also adopted by aphrodite goddess of the sea which passes on her powers so Lance can make people listen and share secrets with him like a siren.

_________________________________________________________________________

1 Lance is really nice and open with people until he realises that both Keith and Shiro are Roman descendants and not greek so they clash a little, Keith insults greeks and Lance is offended.

2 dinner and theres a party and lance is in the middle of it trying to get the daughter of Athena (Allura) To dance with him and that’s when it happens. Shiro is claimed by zues and everyone applauds then Keith by Hades and hears other say (it was so obvious he was an emo) But then lance is claimed by poseidan and everyone just stops and stares. What?

3 Lance is mad, he was a hermes kid wasn’t he? He looked like them, he had the same jaw line and nose and they all got along so well...this had to be a mistake and why now? He blames the new kids and this is when the party Lance becomes grouchy. And Allura hates his guts because athena and poseidan are rivals

4 They get a quest (to save the victims by the abuse if the main three gods. Ganymede, Medusa with Aphrodite, Persephone)

5. Ganeymede. The boy who was stolen, raped and made into Zues personell wine waiter then demoted to a fate taxi cab telepromter. Boy he hates Shiro because who can actually hurt Zues? he is what clues them in on rape victims which narrows it down immedietly and when Lance realises that Medusa is next for him and Keith looks horrified that they're all related to rapists, but Shiro felt relieved since at the end of the day does it stop at ganeymede or will it keep going- they are giving tokens once they have won.

6. Personophene and Keith, Keith apologises since Personophene hates Hades he thought and she blinks “I’m a god, I don’t eat. Period. I knew underworld food would keep me trapped I hadn’t eaten in months and all of a sudden I’m peckish? Pul-ease.” Keith blinked confused.

“And I don’t hate you, you didn’t ask to be born. And I know Hades returns to me in the end.” Personophene brushes his cheek “You have his eyes, maybe thats why I can’t bring myself to hate you.”

8. Lance remembers his mother, and he always heard the tale of Medusa and thought it was sad. So when they go to the statues, and realise it’s people Lance keeps talking about how sorry he was and how being how she looks was to protect herself, Lance wanted to sacrifice himself and asked to let Keith and Shiro go to save kids. Medusa turns him to stone then aphrodite turns him back and medusa decides to fight against rapists and attack them instead of taking it out of posedions kids.

___________________________________________________________________________

Journey towards the west,

And save the tragic three,

Punished by thy fathers,

For their own luxary,

Succeed and save more lifes from this venture,

Remember to be calm and endure their gruelling temper.

__________________________________________________________________________

Lance hides behind a pillar panting with a cut down his cheek. Oh god he was going to die!

“Hey!”

Lance turned to see Shiro lunge forward eyes closed “If you want a fight come and get me!”

Lance gaped what?

Lance scowled and saw Shiro with the shield looking through the mirror, and froze, Shiro always fought in gladiator fights, he was always the hero the sel sacrificing idiot. And Medusa she was scorned by posidion. This was his fight.

Keith- he had no idea where he was but, he stood up from behind the pillar luckily seeing the hose pipe in the corner. He used it and yelled.

"Medusa!" He heard her move and shivered waiting for the attack.

"Lance no!"

He aimed his water and it stopped her short, only for a second "I surrender!"

"...What?" She paused and Lance took a breath keeping his eyes shut. "Medusa, I always heard stories about you, some saw it differently, that athena changed you so no man would ever hurt you ever again not in that way- but it didn't matter because men take what they want regardless of what you look like."

He was shaking his water diminishing "I may be son of posedion but I am digusted by what he did and want nothing to do with him, but if you want to take revenge against him by hurting me," he outstretched his arms "That's fine- just let the other two go- they did nothing to hurt you, you can do whatever you want to me, but please, let them go."

"Why should I listen to your pleas? When posedian and Athena never listened to mine?"

"Because you'll be no better than them, just a monster preying on someone weak for your own justification."

"I am nothing like them."

"Then let my friends go...please."

Medusa tiled her head considering "Maybe I should do to you what posediian did to me," she leaned closer the snakes hissing across his cheek and Lance trembled "Send you back to your god with the pieces left, to show him what he did to me."

"He wouldn't care, he has thousands of children in the roman camp, percy is his favourite." She growled "Percy ripped my head off and stuck in a drunk mans fridge." Lance grimaced "And if you kill everyone of posedions children it won't make a difference."

"True, but it'll make me feel better."

"Then you won't be different than your tormentors."

Silence

"You know nothing, demigod."

oops she was pissed.

"Look at that." Lance pointed, knowing in the garden and where he was guessing he was pointing at the right thing.

"What?"

"That is a child correct?"

"So?"

"Did she deserve it? Was she any different than you? Her mother or father here? Did they honestly come here to attack you-"

"Well...no- but they-"

"Please, Medusa, they are people out there that hurt others the way posedion hurt you, ones who deserve justice. But not here. Not in this garden- it's your cage."

"No it's my haven and they still come here and hurt me."

"Then why stay? No matter what people will still try to use you- don't let them. I won't speak for Athena but, giving you the power to turn people to stone with just a look before they could even get ten feet in front of you, making your lower half a snake, making your hair venoumous, Those seem like tools to me, to stop people from touching you ever again."

Lance held his head up high his body trembling.

"As a son of posedion I'll take responsibility, but posedion himself wont since he won't see he's done nothing wrong, you can't hurt him so you hurt others weaker than you."

"no."

"you're a bully medusa, if anything that's worse, because you want people to hurt as much as you but you should know better and know how it feels to be violated."

"Stop it."

Lance opened his eyes and Medusa was looking away covering her face he gaped.

"Medusa?"

He took a step forward and she hissed "Don't look at me!"

He flinched ripping his arm back "I...I am terribly sorry, Medusa. You- no one deserves that. But staying here...it's not healthy. To repeat this over and over again until another demi-god kills you?"

She still had her face covered and Lance bit his lip "Medusa? C-can I touch you?"

She didn't move until a stiff nod.

He took a hesitent stop forward then hugged her, his hands only around her stomach and felt her tremble.

"It's okay to be mad, Medusa." She was trembling "It wasn't my fault."

"No it wasn't."

She started weeping falling to the ground and Lance moved with her.

"You- you need token to go to Hades?" She asked them finally wearing her sunglasses and hijab to cover her hair, Lance nodded "If you don't mind- if not we can go that's tottally okay-"

"No, it's the least I can do and...leaving here would probably be best for me"

A/N Another thing, why would Persphone and the lotus people have tokens to get to the underworld? Like the lotus and Nico and his sister so did persophone not care or know they were there? I mean the lotus would've told her since they're bffs who's visitng perce for tea partys and Medusa? I know people think Hades/Persphone are good but there;s different sides on one hand they are like beauty and the beast on the other, perse is another rape victim. I know I didn't write this correctly.

I just tried to write it the best I can but Lance has a reason for Medusa trusting him, even though he's the son of poseidon.

___________________________________________________________________________

“Cone on Keith wheres your sense of humour!”

“Lance, no.”

Lance grabbed his arm and dragged him backwards towards the carnival with Shiro following behind. Lance pulled Keith onto every ride forced him to eat cotton candy but what stopped Keith from snapping at the kid.

Was when Lance played a shooting range gane and gave Keith a hippo.

“Only the best for the prettiest boy.”

Lance grabbed his hand and pulled Keith fir more open stalls with merchendise.

Keithseyes were shinning theough the whole trip and Shiro was able to watch it all.

Carnival leads to persophene

After Aphrodite crisis to pair the three up.

Lance jumps at the teenage girl sitting at the pool beside him, “So why don’t you try them, I know you like them.” Lance flushed “What?”

“It’s obvious, except not obvious enough for those two. Love does make a person go blind.” Lance shook his head “What no? Come between Keith and Shiro?”

She looked amused as he babbled “I can’t do that to them, they’ve been through so much.” Lance looked over to the two his eyes softening “Shiro has been hurt so many times, gladiator fights? It was compeltely barbaric and his hair is white- and Keith he’s a demon with a sword and can raise skeletons from the dead! Both are so strong but only vunerable around each other...they’re perfect for each other. When I think of Soulmates I think of them two...I hope I can find someone like them one day.”

“Like them? Why not just court them, I doubt the two would mind.”

“Making them pick each other or me? That’s stepping down.” Lance said unknowing why this stranger tried to sabotage Keith and Shiro, was she a siren? If so it wasn’t working.

She shook her head “No, it is possible to be partners with three people. I should know, Hephaestus is very accepting of who I am and who I bed with.”

“Heph- wait.” Lance’s eyes widened in shock as he looks at the golden teen properly.

She was big, round belly and thick legs and arms with golden healthy hair curling at her shoulders her face plump lips tilted into a smile as sea green eyes seemed to swirl, unnatural. God like.

She looked exactly like the painting, Venus stepping out of her sea shell.

She stroked his face “We share waters, both are lovers of the sea.” She kissed his cheek “If Gods could adopt demi-children, all of Poseidon's folk would be mine. Artemis can do it, why can’t I?”

Lance gaped “I can’t turn my back on poseidon he’ll drown me.” She smiled “What’s wrong with co-parenting? Do him proud by defending his name and waters and do me proud,” She nudged his shoulder and glancing at Keith and Shiro “By falling in love.” Lance’s eyes widened “I give my blessing, and I wouldn’t do this for a lost cause I stoke the fires for love. Never extinguishing them.” Lance blinked and she was gone.

The beautiful teenager, Aphrodite.” Lance stepped out of the pool and almost stumbled at the looks Keith and Shiro had sending his way.

“What? What’d I do?”

“What were you doing?”

Lance shrugged “Having fun at the pool what of it?”

“Why sid that girl kiss your cheek?”

Lance blinked at Keiths angry response, any other time he would’ve felt hurt but he paused at what aprodite just said, he swallowed suddenly nervous but had to ask.

“Why? You jelous?”

Keith scowled “Lets just go,” Shiro gave him a look then followed “Come on we’re on a mission.”

Lance watched the two walk away his heart twisting. Keith didnt answer his question.

Ganeymede they use their powers keith summons dinasaurs lance dives underwater to save shiro (ganeymede drowns shiro as zues cant save him)

Ganeymede “Zues is gay!?”

Both Ganeymede Keith and shiro raised an eyebrow “Ih yeah, who wasn’t gay with the greek gods.” Lance felt as if his whole life was a lie.

“I feel like I should know this as a fellow gay,”

Keith oatted his head “Your a newbie gay it’ll take a while to figure out.”

Now the weird part “We uh, this is going to blow up in our faces isnt it.”

“What?”

“Posidion, Zues, Hades?” Dont they think they’ll be mad

Thunddr lighting

You had to say it

Hades! How can you just stand there do something about your son!

Hades: i dont really care?

What!?

First nico now keith ? I dont care!

[littlesparklight]

Murder at Thymbra

Children die first. Troilus’ murder from the back end, with Ganymede and Apollo.

(angst, mention of a murdered child and other character death)

*

He hadn't meant to overhear. He hadn't been meant to hear it, Ganymede knew that, for it was obvious the two goddesses hadn't noticed him. Which was a relief, for then there was no reason to wonder if he had been meant to hear it.

In the end, of course, it caused the same amount of cold, twisting thorniness in his gut, as well as an undeniable, crawling burn through his limbs, which had replaced the immediate, threatening pressure at the back of his throat while he'd listened to Hera and Athena. It could still be okay. It could; nine years gone, so many resources (lives) wasted, surely the Achaeans would finally give up, now. Who cared if they'd finally been able to take the beach close to Troy and settle in for a siege? The walls were taller and more solid than anything mortal hands could have wrought.

Because those walls hadn't been built by mortal hands. So it'd be fine, right? Unless the fact that Laomedon hadn't properly and willingly paid for the wall would matter. For a moment, Ganymede stopped in his pacing, slumped against one of the pillars in the megaron's portico, kicking a heel back against the pillar's pedestal, and was once again overtaken by the well-worn but persistent incredulity attached to that train of thought. Why had Laomedon thought it was even remotely a good idea not to pay the agreed-upon price after it was quite clear the builders of the wall around the city could not be regular mortals? Who does that? How recklessly stupid could you be? For a brief, shining moment, Ganymede was uncomplicatedly frustrated over something that probably had no bearing on the current events, something he could be annoyed at, not worried about. It was nice.

Then his thoughts cycled back to wondering if the walls would truly be able to withstand the siege thanks to Laomedon's foolishness. If they could, if they could, then the Achaeans could dash themselves bloody against the thick, towering walls and the nine years would have left them nothing. Relatively, anyway. There were lots of cities up and down the Luwian and Thracian coastline and a little beyond, even, that had suffered terribly for this. So many lives lost... But if the walls could hold, at least Troy wouldn't join those.

If.

The word echoed in his head without dying away as Ganymede chewed on a knuckle, staring at the shining-smooth floor and the pattern of light and shadow the pillars cast. It took him several seconds to realize the rhythmic thumping wasn't his thoughts loudly going round and round in unceasing pattern like one of Hephaistos' mechanical inventions, but rather steps. Looking up and twisting around the pillar, Ganymede was just in time to see Apollo storm past him - the god must have gone into the megaron and now gotten out without Ganymede noticing. Or him noticing Ganymede, but then, by his dark, hollow-eyed expression, cast down at the ground instead of raised high in front of him, Apollo didn't seem to be seeing anything.

He was undoubtedly looking for Zeus, and had thought to look in the megaron first, which was, unfortunately empty. As Apollo went down the steps, Ganymede hesitated. If the god was looking for his father, then it wasn't something Ganymede should stick his nose in, probably. But...

"... Lord Apollo?" He spoke up, quietly, just as Apollo stepped off the last step, and it would have been easy for Apollo to ignore him. Instead he whirled around with such alacrity one of the loose tresses spilling down his throat and shoulder smacked him in the chin, blue eyes dark with some unmentionable fury. It made him look older, ageless and terrible. Ganymede could only remember him having looked like this once before. "Sorry! I was just---!"

Snapping his mouth closed as Apollo practically flew up the stairs again, Ganymede was proud to say he didn't cringe back against the pillar (though it was a near thing). He didn't truly fear any harm at Apollo's hands, but the god almost seemed to see nothing as he came up the stairs and then stopped in front of him. His eyes were fire as he reached out with hands that trembled slightly, and cradled Ganymede's face in both hands. The he just stood there. Staring, somewhere slightly above the top of Ganymede's head, his fingers catching in Ganymede's curls, his thumbs light as he stroked his cheeks. His hands were still trembling, and his mouth was twisted, lips pressed thin.

"... Lord Apollo? What happened?" Because clearly something had, and once again Ganymede was reminded of the only other time he had seen Apollo look like this. It'd been after Zeus had killed Asclepios.

"Sit with me."

Usually, Apollo asked. That, though, had not been a request, but Ganymede nodded anyway. Found himself sitting in between Apollo's legs, strong, sleekly-muscled around wrapped around his waist and Apollo's face buried in his hair. Rocking slightly, his voice almost unintelligible for how quiet he was being and for how deep he'd buried his face in Ganymede's hair.

He was singing.

Nothing like he usually would sing, and it took Ganymede long, precious minutes to actually figure out what it was, for it was a tangled mess that went between Achaean and Luwian, back and forth. It would have been a marvel if not for the emotion in the words, for the meaning was flawlessly preserved as Apollo slid from one language to the other. Ganymede rather wished he hadn't understood.

For it was deep-dirged and aching, every single syllable half-choked with as much fury as anguish, and he didn't need to be told to understand what had happened. Someone had died. Someone precious to Apollo had died, and as far as Ganymede knew, there were right now only a limited amount of people it could be and he feared, then, as selfish as despairing and compassionate, for the smaller number of which he really would rather not it be. The tangle in his gut grew up, out. Twined around his heart, and Ganymede had to swallow heavily before he tried to speak, but he was worried he'd end up embarrassing himself anyway.

Maybe it didn't matter, considering the song, pressing into his body, pulling at his insides, the already unsettled worries, considering the way Apollo was clutching at him with trembling hands, but then, really, the tears should be Apollo's, not his. What right did he have to cry about it?

(What right didn't he?)

"A-apollo---"

"Hush. Shh. Quiet." A kiss was pressed to the back of his head like he'd been the one singing, like his voice had been as sludgy as Apollo's was. Yes, it was close, but the lack of precise knowledge was as of yet protecting Ganymede from the full impact. "Just sit, Iliades."

He almost cracked, then. Almost. By the chosen epithet, it was obvious what this was about. What the Achaeans' nascent siege must already have wrought. Had Hera and Athena not known yet? Had they not cared about that? Maybe it hadn't happened until after their conversation. Ganymede hoped for the first or the last, despite everything. Maybe it was more than what was deserved, but he still hoped it.

"Who---"

"What's going on here?"

Jumping at Zeus' voice as his shadow fell over them, Ganymede might have stammered through a mess of absolutely nothing because he didn't know what he was supposed to feel at the moment, or how to react to being found like this. He glanced up sideways, wide-eyed and full of his own emotions as much as Apollo's, soaking through his singing. Zeus didn't look angry, just bewildered, then, as he met Ganymede's gaze, it started to slide over into concerned.

"Father," Apollo said, and then his voice cracked, right at the end. Depthless anger and distress wove together into a single, terrible emotion, and Zeus sat down. Reached out, not for Ganymede but Apollo, a large hand sliding around to cradle the side of his head, tangling in hair that was starting to fray. Apollo's hair never frayed. "Achilles--- killed Troilus."

Ganymede sucked in a breath that got stuck there, lodged in his throat like an arrow.

Child.

How old had he been? Thirteen, fourteen, maybe. Skilled enough with horses that if one was in pressing need one could have put the boy on a chariot and he could single-handedly probably have assured as many victories as would have pleased.

"Right in front of my sanctuary," Apollo said, hissing now, and Ganymede would have bruises but he said nothing, "he was... fleeing towards it, but didn't, get far enough."

Didn't get to the altar. Didn't get far enough to give Apollo the unquestionable and unalienable right to come down like night, like summer sun and starving lioness on the offender who would kill a supplicant at a god's (at his father's) altar. Close. Not close enough.

Closing his eyes, Ganymede managed to swallow the obstruction stuck in his throat, though it convulsed with it. Twisted around in Apollo's grip against his wounded protest, but only to get up on his knees and wind his arms around the god's shoulders, burying Apollo's face against his chest instead while he looked to Zeus. Gray met Ganymede's gaze for a moment before Zeus closed his eyes, mouth twisting into a flat line. Apollo twisted his hands into the back of Ganymede's tunic and straight up howled.

Briefly, the sun darkened, a flicker of night in the middle of day. The clouds appeared as if conjured, and then the sky opened up. They were just barely protected by the portico's roof from the deluge hammering down outside.

"Thanatos!" Zeus' voice rolled through the air, shaded with thunder, but Apollo didn't so much as twitch as the startled god appeared beside them, already looking wary. He didn't get a chance to speak.

"Fetch the body and make sure it's in pristine condition before you hand it to Priam and Hecuba for burial."

It wasn't a fix; there was no way to fix this. Done was done, and rarely were gifts such as Hyacinth given once, never mind twice. Worse was the implication of Zeus' words, that he expected the body to probably be mutilated. A boy. Did Achilles have no shame? Thanatos relaxed even as he frowned, mouth setting.

"It'll be done, Father Zeus." Thanatos bowed his head, fathomless eyes falling onto Apollo's bowed head. "I'm sorry, Phoebus."

He was gone in the next moment, leaving the three of them there on the highest step to the megaron, rain falling like thunder. Apollo was silent now, and for as much as Ganymede had had to defend himself against the swell of misery Apollo's song had been trying to dredge up, it seemed somehow worse that he should be silent, that there would be no singing for the child until Troy could get their youngest prince back for burial.

So Ganymede closed his eyes, relaxing a little into the warmth of Zeus' other hand as it landed on his hip, below Apollo's arms, fought with his memory for what he needed, a Luwian funerary song, and sang instead.

[salaciouscaitlin]

Sky the Hapless Space Mercenary Gets Fat

Sky had dreaded the day they would release him, and now that day was here.

He’d tried. He had run in place and tried to do pushups and whatever other exercise he could manage. But the cell on Ganymede Station was tiny, closet-sized, with barely room for a cot and a toilet, and he hadn’t left the cell for three months, and stodgy, heavy meals came in through a slot in the door three times a day.

So, now, the elite mercenary who’d been captured by station security after a gunfight had a soft, jiggling belly that surged out so far that he couldn’t see his feet, and an ass that he could only guess was just as embarrassingly huge and soft by the way it felt when he sat on it, and thighs that rubbed together when he waddled the four steps it took to cross his cell.

And today everyone was going to see that, because he’d been told via the speaker  in the door that his release had been negotiated and the extraction team were on their way.

Was he even going to fit through the door?

He had known this was happening. At first, he’d tried to fight it, ashamed of the growing bulge at his waist. But three months, no company, nothing to watch, nothing to read, no room to move around, nothing to do but eat, and so now he was not just fat but extravagantly, ridiculously fat. He actually hadn’t been wearing the latest set of prison-issue clothes they had given him. This morning he had put them on, or sort of on, the shirt straining over his arms and chest and completely surrendering when it came to covering his belly, the pants unzipped and still not covering his ass and about to tear open over his thighs. He took the clothes off, noticing how pudgy his hands were, how his whole body rippled with every movement, how little grunts of effort escaped him as he tried to bend and twist

He had come in here with barely an ounce of extra weight, looking like the highly trained professional he was. Now... They probably won’t even take me back. They’ll sell me to be rendered down for engine lube or something.

There had been one other thing to do during three months of incarceration, but apparently he hadn’t burned many calories doing that, either, and he’d tried to ignore how much of a struggle it was to reach around his burgeoning soft belly, and anyway he had given up on ever being rescued, so why not grow to fill the room, if that was all there was to do?

Well, now he was being rescued, and he dreaded it. He tied the bedsheet around himself, so at least he was covered, and waited.

He sat and worried until a voice he recognized as one of the guards said from the door, “Your ride is here.” The voice sounded... gloating. Gleeful. He wondered if they knew. He’d never found any surveillance gear in the cell, but there had to be something, maybe a pinhead camera. 

His cell door opened for the first time in three months. He made sure the sheet covered everything possible -- his belly pushed it out like a white, swollen hill -- and stood up.

Beyond the door he could see three guards. They were all grinning. Fuck it. Yeah, they know. He couldn’t will himself to vanish into thin (or fat) air, so he moved forward, and fuck I’m really not going to fit through the door.

He did, just, by turning sideways and lifting up his soft belly with both hands and shoving himself through.

He recognized the four people in body armor, with assault guns slung over their backs, as his extraction team. But the squad leader, who was the most beautiful woman Sky had ever seen --well, he hadn’t seen another human for three months, but still, Shan was all muscle and smooth brown skin and shiny dark eyes -- said, “Very funny, assholes. Where’s our guy?”

“Um,” he said. “Um, Shan, it’s me.” No. Really. Under a few extra hundred pounds of blubber, it’s me.

Shan’s eyes narrowed, studying his face. She unclipped a wand from her utility belt: a microchip reader. She held it up to the back of his neck. He wondered if maybe it wouldn’t read through however many inches of lard. But it beeped. She looked at its screen.

The guards were snickering. There were more guards now, too, apparently here to see the show.

A muscle twitched in Shan’s jaw. “He’s not walking through the station in a sheet. Get him some clothes.”

“We’re really sorry, Sergeant, or whatever your fancy mercenary rank is,” one of the guards said. Sky recognized the voice: he’d heard it outside his door when food was delivered. “But we don’t have anything bigger. He’s busted right out of the largest size we have.”

The guards were guffawing openly now. Sky pulled the sheet more tightly around himself, which only made it slip and risk putting even more skin on display. They’d taken his clothes through the slot in the door every week and replaced them. Had the sizes progressively been getting bigger? He honestly hadn’t noticed.

And he was getting tired. His knees were feeling shaky.

One of the extraction team noticed. Red, he thought the guy’s name was. He muttered something under his breath to Shan.

“Fine,” Shan said. “And don’t think I don’t know exactly what you did here. Bring a wheelchair.”

What they did? They did something? This wasn’t all his fault? He felt a little better, until he tried to lower himself into the wheelchair and his massive ass got stuck between the arm rests before it reached the seat. By the time Red, Marya, and Li pulled it off him/him out of it, the sheet had slipped several times to reveal his pale, bulging flesh, Shan had her arms crossed and looked like laser beams were about to start shooting out of her eyes, and the guards were doubled over laughing so hard he really hoped they would do themselves an injury.

“Bring something that works,” Shan said. “Right. Fucking. Now.”

They brought a sort of hand cart, maybe used for carrying laundry or supplies. He was able to lie down on that, with the sheet covering his body. He wished it would cover his face, too, but there was no way. He put his arm over his eyes instead.

With Red and Li pushing the cart, Marya clearing the way ahead, and Shan walking beside him, they traveled through the prison and out onto station main deck. Sky risked a glance from under his (fat) forearm. People were staring. Of course they were. It didn’t matter what kind of glares the team gave them.

And, worse, as the wheels of the cart bumped over the deck, he could feel his body start to shake. And quiver. And jiggle. His ass underneath him, his thighs, his chest, his cheeks, but most especially his belly. And that, in turn, felt... good. The part of him that all that soft weight was pressing down on from above and pillowing from below felt very, very good. And every time the vibrations running through him increased, it felt better. Oh please for fuck’s sake not right here in front of everybody. The cart went over a bump. He let out a little moan.

“I know what they did to you,” Shan said. “They probably gave you the weight-gain drugs they feed to sex workers meant for the fat fetish trade. And I bet they fed you five or six times a day, didn’t they?”

“Maybe? I lost track of time,” said Sky, remembering how much fun it had been to stuff himself full when there had been absolutely nothing else to do. “Oh!” as the cart seemed to take on an even more distracting vibration.

“You OK?” Shan asked. 

“Um. Yeah.”

By the time they were safely through the airlock into their ship, Sky was in a cold sweat. At last, finally, the pleasurably torturous movement stopped. He was able, with the help of all four of the team, to roll to his feet and stagger to a flight couch.

“Um,” he said. “So I guess this is kind of bad, huh?”

“Embarrassing for the company,” said Li. “They’re not here, though.”

“Really fatter than I thought anybody could get in just three months,” said Marya. “It’s kind of impressive.”

“Even kind of hot,” said Red.

“And not permanent,” said Shan. “Back at base, the med techs will be able to reverse the effects pretty quickly. Of course, they’ll also prescribe you a low-calorie diet and constant exercise.”

“Great,” Sky muttered. “No... No, really, great.”

“But first.” Shan had a wicked gleam in her eyes. 

“Huh?”

“Lie back.”

He did. From that position, all he could see was his sheet-covered mountain of belly and the ceiling. Then the four team members appeared in his view, standing over him, smiling.

“Extraction teams,” Shan said, “are authorized to offer a wide range of emergency assistance.” She put a hand on his belly. Gave it a pat. Then a shake. “You look to us like you need a little help with something.” And she pulled the sheet off him, exposing all the bulges and rolls and dimples he’d been trying to hide.

Four sets of hands on him: squeezing, jiggling, exploring, finding. “Oh! Oh, yeah, I do, I really, definitely need help...”

Hands progressed to mouths. At some point, armor came off, then clothes. Not long afterward, Red went and got the spray-can of whipped chocolate-flavored caffeine drink topping. 

“Oh! Yes! Yes, yes... mmmf... yes... mmmmf...” 

If it always ends this way, I’m getting captured every single time. 

[necromancy-savant]

My opinions on every single Shakespeare play

Most of this consists of things I wrote down a while ago when I was reading a play a day so I could keep them all straight in my head, particularly the ones I’ve only read once. 

COMEDIES

All's Well That Ends Well – Forgettable and made me roll my eyes but still better than Love’s Labor’s Lost.

As You Like It – I’m left with a lot of questions at the end of this. Does Orlando know that Rosalind was Ganymede? If he’s friends with Ganymede now, won’t he wonder what happened to him? And shouldn’t he be friends with Rosalind knowingly before marrying her? Should a relationship be built on deception like that? I guess you could say the same about Twelfth Night, but Orsino finds out Viola was disguised before marrying her so actually no, you couldn’t.

Comedy of Errors – This might just be the silliest thing I’ve ever read but it made me laugh anyway. You’d really think they’d figure out they’ve been talking to different people by the end of Act 2 at the absolute latest, but whatever. The best line by far is: “If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world.” It’s because she’s really greasy.

Love's Labor's Lost - So boring and pointless I almost couldn’t finish it. Literally nothing at all happens the entire time and there’s no reason for any of them to like each other.

Measure for Measure – Having already read Henry VI Part 3 a couple of times, this was déjà vu in the worst possible way. Plus the ending was fucked up in a whole variety of ways. Also, I realized I have no idea who the protagonist is, though I guess I thought it was Isabella. Other than the malapropisms (at least one character in this play should definitely have a Twitter) and the marriages, it’s hard to see this as a comedy. The aforementioned marriages are all fucked up in their own ways, except for Claudio and Juliet who were already pretty much married so they don’t count. Isabella should have stayed a nun and stayed single, and the Duke is totally the kind of guy who wants to think he’s a good person when really he’s an irresponsible douchebag. Like just do your fucking job instead of fucking with everyone for the sake of fishing for compliments or playing the hero or whatever.

Merchant of Venice – I might be able to like this if it weren’t for the worst anti-Semitism I’ve ever been exposed to. I like Portia; I kind of wish she was in a different play. I think Antonio and Bassanio should just be together, and she could be perfectly happy being single. This is one pairing I actually think is convincing, but to be fair I’m usually not particularly invested in the idea of anyone ending up with anyone.

Merry Wives of Windsor – I had high hopes for this because Falstaff is in it, because apparently Queen Elizabeth specifically requested more Falstaff, so in that regard she knows what’s up (I disapprove of the fact that she wouldn’t let Shakespeare perform Richard II because Richard II is wonderful). This was very silly but I thought the part where Mistress Quickly mishears a ton of Latin words was funny. Also there’s this girl whose parents each want her to marry a different guy except she wants to marry a third guy who she actually likes and he likes her and stuff, and her parents are like “you can’t marry him because he hangs out with sketchy people like Prince Hal and Ned Poins” and I just think it’s hilarious that they have such a bad reputation. After Taming of the Shrew I almost didn’t want to read comedies ever again but I’m glad I stuck with it because most of them really aren’t like that at all.

Midsummer Night's Dream – I love this and I can’t even explain why and I don’t really have a good reason for liking it; it just makes me lol, especially Nick Bottom. My favorite line is “In ten lines it is too long, making it tedious.” That’s a beautiful thing to say.

Much Ado about Nothing – I actually liked this one. It’s a tiny bit like Taming of the Shrew if Taming of the Shrew wasn’t horrible. I like that the leads have a healthy relationship based on friendship and mutual respect. They say they don’t want to get married because they just don’t want to have to settle for someone they don’t like enough, which I think is a good attitude to have cause it means they take marriage seriously, and they’re too afraid to be made fun of by each other to admit they like each other. Plus everyone likes Beatrice’s wit and outgoing personality instead of saying how awful she is and that she talks too much (for the record, Kate in Taming has waaayyyyy fewer lines than I expected her to have so that’s something to think about). I like how Benedick believes Hero when she says she was framed which was a pleasant surprise since I was worried he’d take Claudio’s side. It’s the part where Beatrice says “I’d eat his heart in the marketplace” and Benedick is on their side and doesn’t question or doubt them. And he and Beatrice were good friends first without being disguised as other people, except briefly but she might have known it was him. I like that he takes the high ground at the end by saying that it doesn’t matter what he said before and he doesn’t care what anyone says because he’s happy. And I like that he’s really, really picky about what he wants in a girlfriend but her hair color doesn’t matter. That was really funny.

Taming of the Shrew – Worst thing I ever read. First it’s all rape culture, and then it;s all abusive marriage. It has everything I can’t stand about certain kinds of modern comedies.

Twelfth Night – I didn’t think I’d like this one but I actually thought it was funny and really entertaining despite the fact that I don’t care who ends up together, so that tells me it’s doing something right. I also realized I remember whole passages that I had no idea I remembered from 8th grade.

Two Gentlemen of Verona – I don’t really have any strong feelings about this except that Proteus does not deserve a happy ending and I wonder what’s going to happen the next time he sees a woman other than Julia. But I guess that’s why they call him Proteus.

HISTORIES

King John – The whole thing was kind of just a will they/won’t they with the armies of England and France, but I like how extra Constance is, and Eleanor is pretty great which is why I’m pissed that she randomly dies offstage. Philip the Bastard is also an interesting character, but I still don’t really get how he walked into court one day a bastard and left it a Plantagenet.

Richard II – Love it; truly beautiful and tragic and has some of the prettiest, deepest lines I’ve read in Shakespeare, and it’s a reflection on the meaning of kingship that’s not seen elsewhere in the Histories. Richard is also not straight and seems kind of non-binary in the versions I’ve seen and I like that. Maybe part of the reason I like both of the Richards is that I see them as not straight. I know he’s no good at being king but I love him anyway. I didn’t think he was going to die though and was rather upset; when Bolingbroke was like “convey him to the Tower” I was like “oh shit, that’s where people go to die!” I mean I know they moved locations to Pomfret castle first, but that’s when I knew what was going to happen.

Henry IV, Part I – One of my favorites. I admit that at first I didn’t like Hotspur. I admit the most offensive thing about him to me was that he says he doesn’t like poetry. He struck the kind of person I can’t stand: loud, angry, annoying, and cares about things I think are stupid. But I’ve heard some different interpretations of his character, and I saw a production where he was really endearing and that got me to really like him. He’s a true chaotic good: he cares about justice first and doesn’t care who gets in the way of it, no matter how important they are. He really doesn’t deserve to die at all. Hell, he and Hal could probably be good allies if the circumstances were different. There are some really funny parts in this and Falstaff is great, and it’s actually really insightful when he says honor is a scutcheon in a way I wouldn’t have expected from him. Prince Hal strikes me as kind of a bro but he’s definitely more sympathetic for me in this one than the other two plays he’s in.

Henry IV, Part II – Honestly not much happens in this one until the end and I’m not sure if I can forgive Hal for what he did to Falstaff. The dude was so excited to go the coronation and see him and he was just like “I know thee not, old man.” It was cold, and normally when I say that I mean it in a good way but not this time. He was basically like “fuck off and die” and that’s exactly what he did. I’m not happy about that.

Henry V – I saw a joke summary of this that said “70% armed combat, 30% jokes” and that is completely accurate. This has its moments for sure. The comic relief characters aren’t as funny as Falstaff though, and I really can’t stand Pistol and couldn’t when he was briefly in the preceding play either. There are things I like about Henry V as a character, but sometimes I question his decisions. He manages to pull it all off somehow though, and that’s impressive.

Henry VI, Part I – I love this whole tetralogy. Joan of Arc was in this and that was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. York comes off as kind of a dick though. He and Somerset are the pettiest people ever. Plus I started to get some of Margaret’s backstory, and knowing what I know now I get why she’s so done with everyone by the time of Richard III. I still don’t forgive her for everything she ever said and I still don’t think she’s 100% a victim in all of this, but to be fair it turns out she is mostly a victim in all of this, and I get that she’s a bold person who’s willing to do what it takes to come out on top and survive, and this can be both a positive and a negative quality depending on the situation.

Henry VI, Part II – This one is largely about how York and Somerset’s pettiness almost destroyed England. Aside from that, this solidified for me that I really don’t like Henry, although Margaret continued to really grow on me in this one, and I feel bad for her that she has to put up with him and basically do everything for him. In spite of this, I find their relationship to be extremely entertaining. I like the part where she punches out the Duchess of Gloucester in front of the whole court and Henry’s just like “it’s whatever, she didn’t mean it” and the part where some guy fakes a miracle and they hit him to prove he can run away and Henry’s like “how could God let this happen?” but Margaret’s like “I thought it was funny watching him run away” (and I was like SAME; she really spends this whole play saying exactly what I’m thinking at any given time, particularly when it comes to Henry) and the part where they’re running away from the battle at the end and Henry can’t keep up because of fucking course he can’t and Margaret’s like “could you be any slower?” and he’s like “maybe we should just sit here and accept our fate.” He is such a wet blanket. I spent the whole thing yelling “Henry, what is wrong with you?!” at my book. While he’s not a terrible person he is mediocre and painfully stupid and I really don’t see him as having any redeeming qualities.  Also Richard shows up for like 5 minutes at the end to collect Somerset’s head and be called an “indigested lump” by someone he just fucking met, which incidentally is the same exact thing Henry said to him. Update: I finally figured out what it is I don’t like about Henry. It’s not even what he says to Richard in the Tower (that is not even half the reason I don’t like him, but for the record even if it was the entire reason it would be an excellent reason). It’s that I see him as childish and to me that’s an extremely negative quality, though I expect it’s also what makes him endearing to some people.

Henry VI, Part III – 10/10 I love it so much, I have a strong opinion on nearly every scene. Margaret is a badass in this one, Henry continues to be an ignorant, damp slice of bread, Richard is in it, and it has my favorite scene in all of Shakespeare when he kills Henry in the Tower, and another scene I love when he says “speak thou for me and tell them what I did” and then Margaret yells at Henry and says “art thou king and wilt be forced?” and her finest moment when she kills York, and the best piece of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen when Richard says about Margaret: “why should she live to fill the world with words?” Also Edward is a fuckboy and a bad influence. I’m ashamed to share a name with him. I kind of think he died of a deadly STD; serves him right.

Richard III – Favorite Shakespeare play, best thing I’ve read in a long time, and definitely one of the top five things I’ve ever read, especially taken together with Henry VI Part 3. It’s everything tragedy should be, parts of it are extremely relatable to me personally, I’ve memorized more of both plays than I care to admit, and it’s a good thing it’s short enough that I can read it over and over because that’s exactly what I intend to do. I don’t know why reading something about someone who makes all the wrong decisions would make me feel better about my life, but I think this is exactly what Aristotle meant when he said that tragedy should be cathartic. Also Richard is definitely ace as fuck and I will fight anyone who tries to say otherwise.

Henry VIII – First of all, Katharine deserved way better. Second of all, I feel like it really glossed over the part where he created the Anglican Church just so he could divorce her. Also there was some really shameless plugging of Queen Elizabeth at the end, so I’m guessing this was written during her reign, which would explain why Henry VIII doesn’t look as bad as he does literally everywhere else I’ve seen him (update: turns out it was written later). I seem to remember that he ended up killing Anne Boleyn and that didn’t happen in this play though I was kind of waiting for it to. I’ve really never read anything this positive about him, and that’s even counting the fact that he tossed Katharine aside after seeing Anne Boleyn once at a party. And I did find out that Buckingham’s real name is Henry, although it’s not like I needed another Henry to keep track of.

TRAGEDIES

Antony and Cleopatra – I really didn’t care for this one. Cleopatra seems like kind of a stereotype to me and I’m not terribly invested in either her or Antony. Romance isn’t really my thing unless it’s super compelling for some special reason or unless I like both the characters individually. This has neither of those qualifiers.

Coriolanus – I didn’t like this very much, even though it’s about Rome. Coriolanus is not a compelling figure to me; the whole premise is that he’s good at fighting but he’s also an asshole, and neither one of those things is interesting to me. Honestly the only part of this that isn’t extremely boring is Volumnia.

Hamlet – I hadn’t read this in a really long time and didn’t remember any of it, and I liked it more than I thought I would. It’s kind of gothic in a wonderful way, even though I know that’s not an appropriate term to use for something written at the time it was written. Honestly though, my liking for Hamlet as a character was severely diminished when he started making dirty comments to Ophelia, and she seemed way more sympathetic than I remember her being. The common theme in many of these tragedies seems to be a protagonist who is lost and overwhelmed and ends up lashing out because of it. The speeches in Hamlet are the best part for me by far, but yeah. As someone who likes language and anything dark, I like it.

Julius Caesar – This I quite liked; I think Brutus is a compelling character and it raises some interesting questions. It also contains the most passive-aggressive thing I’ve ever read. Although, during Act I when Cassius is trying to convince Brutus to kill Caesar, all I hear is “Brutus is just as nice as Caesar. Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, okay, people like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.” Honestly I think Tina Fey purposely paraphrased Cassius’s lines when writing Mean Girls, which is pretty cool. I liked it when I auditioned for it and I’ve come to really love it, having been in it. I want to see more productions of this one.

King Lear – It’s grown on me over time, I guess. I do have some strong opinions on why Cordelia is actually kind of awful. I like Edmund and Regan and Cornwall, and Goneril have their moments, but none of these characters really get enough air time for me to like the play. What there is a lot of is Lear who is just depressing on multiple levels and his fool who annoys me with his overuse of the word “nuncle” even though I know it’s fairly normal for words in English to lose an /n/ at the beginning due to our articles like how “apron” used to be “napron” until people thought “a napron” was “an apron.” And there’s a lot of Edgar and Kent and Gloucester, none of whom I’m convinced to care about even though I have nothing against them. So overall I still think it is confusing and needlessly depressing, but I am slowly warming up to it. Like, I already know life is pointless, I don’t need something to tell me that like it’s some kind of revelation.

Macbeth – I really don’t understand Macbeth as a character. You think he’d be able to say “no” to murder seeing as he has no real interest in it. I don’t find it romantic at all that he does whatever crazy thing Lady Macbeth wants. I find it kind of disturbing, and certainly not something that reflects well on him. At first it seems like Lady Macbeth should just get rid of him and do everything herself if she’s going to be like that, and I don’t understand why she can’t bring herself to kill Duncan if she wants him dead so badly, and then she loses it halfway through the play and that’s always a let-down. Also isn’t this the one that has the line where it’s like “your father’s been murdered” -“oh, by whom?” and “what, you egg”? As funny as that is it doesn’t exactly speak volumes to Macbeth as having the greatest dialogue all the time. In conclusion, I want to like this play but I really don’t get what’s wrong with either Macbeth or Lady Macbeth and so I can’t really get into it.

Othello – This was always one of my favorites. I always thought Othello and Desdemona’s relationship was really beautiful and romantic in Act I but for some reason my liking of Othello never stops me from being intrigued by what Iago’s going to do next. There’s something appealing to me about being able to always say the right thing and having the self-confidence to make everyone do what you think they should do. That said, having now seen a Shakespeare villain who is manipulative (in an extremely different sort of way) but has motives and a personality, he seems really boring by comparison. I kind of get now how he’s just a plot device, and that does make Othello an even more sympathetic character. And it’s really heartbreaking how he thinks he’s not good enough for Desdemona and has to deal with his worst fears being confirmed after he’s had so much shit to deal with already. I think anyone would break.

Romeo and Juliet - I got tired of it a long time ago and honestly it’s not that good. It’s just kind of average. I get that people have to fall in love quickly in a play that can’t just go on for 10 hours but I still can’t bring myself to care about the characters. Juliet is mildly interesting but Romeo is just a boring person and I don’t care for him at all. Plus I feel like there’s a weird age difference between them considering she’s like 13 or 14 and he’s probably like 18. I’m probably just too ace for this play but I don’t get the appeal. (Update: I’ve now been in this play and I still don’t really get it. I don’t have anything against it but it doesn’t do too much for me either. I liked being in it a whole lot, but it wouldn’t be my top choice for something I want to watch).

Timon of Athens – I feel like there was the potential for this to be a good story about someone who kept giving people material things to get them to like him to the point of running himself into the ground (ha, literally) only to discover that doing that doesn’t actually make you real friends, but it never really came together for me. So good idea, not so sure about the execution, although my book thinks that Shakespeare only wrote part of it and Thomas Middleton wrote the rest so that probably has something to do with it.

Titus Andronicus – This has its moments but it’s not as violent as I thought it would be, which is not good for something that’s known for being violent. My first big problem with it is that Chiron and Demetrius get off way too easy. I was waiting the whole play for them to die horribly only to be let down. Being baked into pies hurts Tamora, not them, and I hate them so much that I’m out of fucks to give about her. My second big problem is that Titus is a selfish piece of shit. He fucking kills Lavinia because her condition is just too painful for him. He complains that he only has 5 children left but he kills two of them himself, on stage. I like Aaron in spite of myself, or at least I like a lot of his speeches; they’re a lot of fun to read. I was surprised that he wanted his child to live even if he couldn’t take care of it personally, but I have no idea how to feel about that because on the one hand I can see how it’s a redeeming quality, and so I like that there’s some effort to humanize him, but on the other hand I wish it was done a different way because that’s not something I have any basis to understand. All this said if I had the chance to see this performed, I admittedly would.

Troilus and Cressida – I’m confused because I spent most of this thinking it took place before the events of the Iliad when actually it was pretty much a different version of the same story, which is disappointing because as much as I love the Iliad, I already have the Iliad. As for Troilus and Cressida themselves, I was rolling my eyes when she thought she had to play hard to get, but then happy when he said that was never necessary and was just happy to be with her even though she thought she was embarrassing herself by expressing her feelings for him; he didn’t shame her for it and that perception was all in her head. But then she didn’t really have any choice but to go with Diomedes, so it’s not fair for Troilus to be mad at her. Plus they only just got together and they weren’t official or anything. He’s a bit of a dumbass, to be honest, even though he and Cressida have some sweet moments. I kind of like Thersites; he seems like my kind of guy. He hates lechery, doesn’t care for war, and thinks most of the Greek generals are full of themselves, which is pretty accurate. I like that he rejects the kind of masculinity most of them embrace where they just fight in order to get women. He thinks they’re the dumbest people ever for engaging in all of that, and frankly I think it’s pretty idiotic too. However, I don’t like that he makes fun of Achilles and Patroclus for being gay. There are already so many good reasons to make fun of Achilles.

ROMANCES

Winter’s Tale – I didn’t have any strong feelings about this until the end, but now I’m wondering where Hermione was for 16 years? I guess she stayed hidden somewhere, but how did she know when the right time to come back would be? Like that was some really good timing. I mean I guess I’m glad Leontes got his shit and part of his family together but to me that doesn’t really make for anything particularly memorable. And I don’t recall him actually apologizing to Hermione or Perdita, so he should really get on that.

Cymbeline – I wasn’t particularly expecting to like this, but I did. It had some of the same elements of the Winter’s Tale except it was way better and I liked the characters more – don’t get me wrong, it was still really…I’m not sure what the right word is, when all the male characters are assholes and they do awful things to Imogen and then she magically forgives them at the end, but at least I felt somewhat invested in her and her brothers, and there were some funny parts, but the part with the ghosts was really weird and I don’t know what to make of it. There are some weird parts in the Romances and I’m not feeling that.

Pericles – Not quite my cup of tea but I don’t hate it. I admit I don’t really like how it takes place over, what, decades? Plus I’ve never heard of this particular Pericles in my life. I totally thought it was going to be about the Athenian statesman. But I did like that it takes place partially in the Near/Middle East, even if it’s just the parts that were part of the Greek world (I’m guessing Hellenistic). But I liked the story well enough and I like that Pericles isn’t an asshole unlike Leontes or Cymbeline, and I like how Marina and Thaisa both were just dropped on a beach somewhere and by the time Pericles finds them they’re at the top of the societies they entered, and how the guy who was going to take Marina’s virginity was really embarrassed and gave her a bunch of money and was supportive when he found out she didn’t want to.

The Tempest – I actually enjoy this and I think it’s a fun play. Caliban is hilarious and I actually like that it turns out not to be a revenge story. Sometimes it’s nice to see someone be the bigger person and have everyone live, even if it’s not cathartic in the same way. There are some really cool interpretations out there but even on the surface I find it quite entertaining and I think there’s something to be said for something that makes me happy for no reason.