#but i DONT know it activates my inner kid okay. My autism .

[glitterhoof]

btw the little mermaid remake is my lifeblood i know i didn’t talk about it but i saw it the day after opening and its SO good.

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.