#but i 100% left early bc of anxiety and fatigue

[penguin--person]

im ok ?? i didnt anxiety explode at school at all today ?? in fact i was calm 90% of the time?? hello ??? not normal!!!!

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[shakespearerants]

THIS IS A VENT POST PLEASE SKIP IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED BY ANXIETY N STUFF

So as some of u may know I got diagnosed with anxiety just this summer after rushing to the doctors after I got woken up by a panic attack and legit thought I was going to die. this was 2 months before my first semester at uni started. at uni I thought everything was going to get better after some time but it did not instead I got the following:

somewhere between 2 and 6 panic attacks a day

fatigue

constant dizziness, dissociation, tunnel vision

constantly blacking out for 2 to 10 minutes at a time in lectures

heart racing

chest pains

problems sleeping

tremors and cold sweat all over

shaky legs to the point where I couldn't go down stairs anymore

confusion and disorientation that got so bad I legit almost got lost on my way from uni to my dorm room twice. the uni and my dorm are literally one bridge and 500 m apart. if it weren't for 2 big buildings they'd be within eyesight of each other.

inability to focus on written or spoken word

constant nausea and lack of appetite that got to the point where I'd have to force myself to eat even a handful of almonds and a packet of rice cakes a day and I was constantly on the verge of passing out

intestinal cramping getting me out of bed at 7 am at the latest, every day, 6 am if I had an early morning lecture

almost throwing up before morning lectures and spending about 15 minutes each morning hunched over the toilet, dry heaving

trouble speaking bc of words getting lost and hearing everything other people are saying like they were speaking a different language and underwater

hyperventilation

constant fits of uncontrollable crying that lasted about half an hour, multiple times a day

paranoia

nightmares

the therapist I was seeing told me from the get go that she thought I shouldn't be at uni and needed to take the semester off. after a really bad scare where I had to call my parents who live a 5 hour train ride away to come pick me up bc I knew that if I didn't get help TODAY I'd be in the hospital tomorrow I decided to listen to my therapist and went to uni to get a vacation semester approved. the following hurdles had to be jumped: 1. it's late and the due date for all applications is the 5th of December 2. I need a doctor's note 3. it's my first semester and technically you're not allowed to take that off. so I called the place that handles that at uni and asked what forms exactly they needed and if it would be a problem that this was my first semester. they told me what stuff exactly to get and that they'd do their best. so I got that stuff, went back to uni for a week, got told there was a problem with the wording in my doctors note but if I got that fixed the application would go through for sure, got another doctors note, delivered it in person 2 days before due date, had someone check to make sure the wording was 100% what it had to be, and then went home. my mom had to pick me up in Munich bc I barely made it on the train. I spent over half an hour crying on a bench at the train station, shaking so bad I couldn't move to get to the next platform over where my train was leaving.

and guess what??????????? APPLICATION DENIED.

And i. this is getting to much. actually it was too much a month ago and if I can't fix this this might just be the straw that breaks the camels back. like listen I am so sick my therapist said even starting therapy is pointless in my current state bc I am not even at a point where I could do something with it. the plan of action before this bitch fuck of a bad news was trying to relax in a familiar and non threatening environment until the new year in order to even get to the point where I can get into therapy, then 6 weeks at least in a clinic, then regular therapy at least once better twice a week and HOPEFULLY I'd be able to slowly ease back into things next semester. and now??????????????? fuck. I know practically the only option left is to just. not go to uni and not show up to any tests and I feel So. Fucking. Guilty. especially bc I already talked to one of my professors back when I still thought I could just. power through. and now I'm so afraid it'll look like I'm just lazy and didn't want to hold a presentation.

this is . his is terrible