#but how did zenos not have a scar from what happened in Stormblood?

[theninthlaw]

''Duty... honor... morality... all constructs of convenience, when put to proof.'' Zenos viator Galvus I really, really like the colour red and wanted a new wallpaper. I like to rotate between a few characters now and then.

[meracydia-miqo]

FFXIVWrite 2024 - Day 11: Surrogate

early stormblood; lyse speaks to ahki

———

Yda had been Lyse all along, and Ahki had been living amongst a shared yet unspoken secret the whole time. She couldn’t blame her for keeping up the charade, for hiding, pretending to be another, and in the end…what difference did it make to Ahki, who had never known the true Yda?

She was happy Lyse was comfortable enough to admit to it, to be herself and live without that weight over her, the secrets and the perceived expectations.

Ahki understood it far too well.

“I’m sorry for keeping it secret from you,” Lyse told her, later that day. “It feels unfair to you, knowing that everybody else had… That they already knew.”

The difference mattered not, to me, Ahki thought, but didn’t voice it aloud, unsure of her own wording. Instead, she looked over at her, trying to offer a small smile, in some attempt of portraying ‘it’s alright, I don’t mind. I appreciate the thought.’

Lyse returned the smile. “But, you know now, at least, I suppose,” she continued. “Better than me trying to hide in her shadow any longer.”

The shadow was still cast over Ahki. Did the others know about her, too? Had she already been figured out, back when she first met the Scions, and was too afraid to speak a word? When Urianger was tasked with assisting her in learning to read and write, and her own unfamiliarity with Eorzean as a whole.

But they never showed any signs or suspicions. But did they ever with Lyse?

She couldn’t ask. It carried too much risk.

“…I’m happy to meet you properly, Lyse.”

“Likewise.”

—

It was a while until they spoke much at length. They were always busy, with so much going on, and Ahki knew that she was hardly the most talkative of all their companions. She still remembered the comments she’d get sometimes, back when she first joined the Scions. ‘One would think you mute for how little you talk,’ ‘that newcomer—have you ever even heard her speak?’ It never bothered her especially, she knew she was quiet and had no desire to speak up over it, and even after all these moons, she was still no comparison to someone like Alphinaud or even Alisaie.

But besides menial tasks helping out on the ship, (and taking down the occasional crazed sirens and sea monsters most others were ill-equipped to handle) there wasn’t much else to do on the long voyage to Doma.

Ahki was staring out over the waves to the south when Lyse approached her, coming over to stand beside her. She stretched, letting out a deep breath. “It’s good to finally get a chance to relax,” she said. “Have you been getting enough rest? I hope so—you need it more than any of us.”

Do I ever?

‘Rest’ was always difficult for her to quantify. Too much to ask, too many variables. Sleep, maybe, though the answer was never enough, but rest only left her debating.

Ahki turned to look at her out of the corner of her eye, long blonde hair blowing in the wind behind her, standing some few ilms taller than Ahki. For a brief moment, she was put to mind of Minfilia, when the two of them would stand outside in Vesper Bay, feeling the sea breeze and enjoying the rare opportunity to relax…

She shut her eyes tightly, willing the memory away, and turned back to look out over the ocean. “…How are your injuries?”

“All healed, for the most part. Minus a couple that are sure to leave a scar, but that’s what happens, I suppose.” Lyse paused. “You?”

She remembered being tossed aside, falling against the blood-stained dirt and sand of Rhalgr’s Reach, but her own physical injuries seemed to be lacking. As if Zenos had really been going easy on her, with no intent to kill unlike Y’shtola, still back in Eorzea resting and recovering. Or it had been her carbuncle yet again, brandishing a fallen soldier’s knife and all too willing to go up close and personal with any who tried to get close to Ahki. The exact memories were vague.

“…Mostly mental, I think.”

“That’s a relief. We’d be hard-pressed to find someone to replace you if anything happened.”

That’s what everyone always says, Ahki thought, but didn’t respond. Her own silence aside, it was that expectation that always felt like a barrier between herself and others. Mayhaps its fitting, she thought, that the one from the place known for their hostility, would be the one relied on most in combat.

“…Sorry, that was a bit insensitive, wasn’t it?” Lyse spoke up again, and Ahki glanced over at her, both surprised and relieved by the apology.

Even having known her for a while now, Ahki had never been close to her. Never got a good read on her mannerisms. If the Lyse she knew now was overly different from the ‘Yda’ from back before that fateful day in Ul’dah, Ahki wasn’t certain. But maybe now, she wasn’t too bad.

Even when Ahki stared off into the distance, the one thought in the back of her mind fixed on ‘my home is over there,’ Lyse did not question it. Made no sign of knowing at all. She felt a small pang of guilt at refusing to mention her own secrets, when Lyse had trusted her with her own, but she buried it down. Nobody knew. Not even Mauh. It wasn’t personal.

Not even Minfilia, wherever she was now.

“…It’s all right.” Ahki said. I appreciate your concern.

[starblood]

i'm joining in on the xel questions!! how does xel cope with the pressure of being the warrior of light? what are the moments during her journey that have changed her the most?

oh hello anon! thank you for the questions gbfhg i like to talk about this dumb big catto of mine.

as to the first one of how she copes with the pressure of being the warrior of light? honestly -- not very well. xel honestly never set out to become a hero or the warrior of light in all truthfulness. she went to ul’dah to study at the ossuary because of her powers and the fact that coerthas did not strongly approve of such things. given the whole thousand years of war and whatnot, there are black mages to be found in the city-nation, but from everything xel knows, they are strongly supervised and have to be sanctioned by the church itself and she never was all that religious surprisingly enough. so for her to be thrust into the errand that led to her facing down ifrit and learning that she had the echo and for people to begin naming her the warrior of light? it was a sudden new burden she’s never coped that well with. 

the whole notion of suddenly being made to play at politics that she had hoped to avoid by leaving coerthas and coming to ul’dah and being hailed as a hero and learning the consequences of her actions and what the stakes were? well, between the years of the plot of arr and shb, xel changes a lot. by the time we hit shadowbringers, xel’s got this mentality of she has to save everyone she can. she knows that she never will, of course, but tesleen’s death and what that did to alisaie weighs on her a lot. she copes by self-flagellation for her failures and trying to take joy in her successes. it’s hard for her to accept that she’s not responsible for everything. she sincerely has a somewhat warped perception of things and being treated as a weapon during stormblood and not as a person has affected her heavily, since everyone simply assumed she would take care of things and save the day and very seldom did anyone ever ask her how she was doing or how she was coping with what she saw.

as for some of the most defining moments of her journey? oh, definitely the bloody banquet for one, where ilberd turned on them because of his own desires. the praetorium was another one because she looks back now on gaius’s words and can admit he had some interesting points back then. haurchefant’s death was another because that was a major loss of someone xel cared about as far more than just a friend. the shock of that loss still weighs on her, even now. years later and she still grieves him - and it took seeing edmont’s own grief for her to finally break down and cry. a third major defining moment was the night at rhalgr’s reach, when she first met zenos. up until that point, xel knew that she was one of the strongest people in eorzea and this man - the viceroy of the empire - swept in and brought fire and ruin to everything and left a scar on her both physically and upon her psyche; the scars don’t hurt anymore, beyond a dull ache, but xel found herself immediately terrified and fascinated by zenos. the terror has faded but it has changed from fascination into a curiosity and respect that dwell deep within her.

every moment she’s faced against zenos has been a defining moment of clarity for her and her own abilities, understanding that they are more alike than she’d ever admit openly. xel will not say so - but zenos is right in that she’s as much a beast as he himself is. there was the joy of beating back the empire at the ghimlyt dark which was another defining moment for her until elidibus showed up wearing zenos’ flesh. that actually pissed her off. every moment of meeting an ascian has shaken her, what with nabriales and elidibus and everything she has been through when trying to piece together ancient puzzles - but none have shaken her so much as meeting emet-selch did. and, strangely enough, her first time walking the streets of amaurot alone as her friends scattered to explore the city, was a particularly striking moment for her.

for xel -- it felt like coming home. moreso than she ever felt in coerthas, walking in amaurot left a strange peace in her restless soul that she has refused to look at too closely - even with the events of the most recent patch.

and, of course, the dawn after facing down hades. and then those moments of seeing what was happening to the exarch, the pain that he was going through because of his promise, what elidibus was doing wearing ardbert’s face ... well, that stirred up a lot of emotions for her as well.

tl;dr? xel doesn’t cope well and her idea of coping is to ignore the pressures laid on her shoulders by people expecting her to be a hero because she can’t let anyone down. and some of her most defining moments tend to come out of her clashes with people and she doesn’t handle those well either!

[fistsoflightning]

unending character meme // zaya qestir

RULES: repost, don’t reblog! tag, and good luck!

TAGGED BY: tagged in spirit by @to-the-voiceless

TAGGING: any and all who want to do it but haven’t actually been tagged by anyone!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Zaya Qestir

NICKNAME: none, really.

AGE: 29 by the end of Stormblood. 30-ish by the end of SHB? Haven’t figured out the time distortion thing.

BIRTHDAY: 17th of the 4th Umbral Moon (8/17)

ETHNIC GROUP: Au’ra; Xaelan

NATIONALITY: Nomad? From the Azim Steppe’s Reunion, if that helps.

LANGUAGE / S: Eorzean Sign Language, Xaelan (crude/unpracticed); understands most languages through use of the Echo

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demiromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: dating Thancred Waters??? unsure of status during post-SHB but getting there.

HOME  TOWN /AREA: Reunion, Azim Steppe

CURRENT HOME: A shared room in the Rising Stones or a shared house in the Mist; depends on where they are at the time of night.

PROFESSION: jeweler, weaver, gladiator of the coliseum, bard teacher (appointed reluctantly by Sanson after many a problem with Guydelot’s schedule), adventurer and warrior of light

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Straight and somewhat below shoulder length. Most of their hair is black, but slowly changes to blue and white at the tips.

EYES: Dark blue; navy color? Light blue limbal rings that glow in the dark, too.

FACE: Sharp jawline accented by their scales, often covered with some royal blue facepaint similar to Arenvald’s own.

LIPS: Often chapped, but otherwise normal.

COMPLEXION: Ashen brown? Hard to describe bc of weird lighting everywhere they go.

BLEMISHES: None

SCARS: There’s a lot, and I might make a scar map at some point??? Major ones happen to be their legs and their left arm; the legs from Ifrit and the arm from Elidibus in Zenos’s body in 4.5

TATTOOS: None, no matter how much people think the facepaint is one.

HEIGHT: Taller than the average Au’ra, about 5’4

WEIGHT: about 135 pounds

BUILD: Muscular, especially due to their main fighting style requiring muscle literally everywhere. Fistfighting for money is no small feat.

FEATURES: Their scales are an odd color (think black and blue borealis dice, but as scales), and their horns definitely look a bit… ragged. Watching them fight will give the odd realization that lightning sparks in cobalt blue come off of them sometimes.

ALLERGIES: Some undetermined fish allergy. Higiri fed them some assorted sushi once and never did again, so the Scions (and themselves) have no clue what fish they need to avoid.

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: Tied into a loose ponytail at the back. Sanson often comments how they share a hairstyle, but it’s simply from need of clear vision when moving around for monk skills and attacks.

USUAL  FACE  LOOK: Stoic as all hell. Not used to making full-on facial expressions outside of conversation, so normally looks bored.

USUAL  CLOTHING: Tabards, cyclas, or generally something with flowy fabric that doesn’t restrain movement all that much. Metal boots and gauntlets/knuckles are also common, but not always.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S: being the last one standing, change, losing their younger siblings/younger friends, spiders, breaking a promise with their mother.

ASPIRATION / S:  To have a proper adventure, and to inspire others to live their fullest lives.

POSITIVE  TRAITS: Devoted, comforting, slightly protective, carefree

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Easily angered, impulsive, emotional, stubborn

MBTI: ISFP-T (Adventurer)

ZODIAC: Leo, apparently? Sort of fits, if you look at it closely.

TEMPERAMENT: Some crazy blend between phlegmatic and choleric? Generally carefree and easygoing with friends and willing to spend a lot of patience on them, but unrelenting and downright frightening in serious situations, especially when involving Garlemald.

SOUL  TYPE / S: Server/Caregiver

ANIMALS: Birds and dogs.

VICE HABIT / S: Drinking, although the Echo does prevent it from having any effect whatsoever, so its more of a taste thing? Tends to sleep a lot when stressed, and often spends their leftover money on gemstones for their shared collection.

FAITH: Polytheistic; the Twelve and Nhaama are gods they generally believe in.

GHOSTS?: Yes, mainly because they’ve seen one.

AFTERLIFE?: Yes.

REINCARNATION?: Probably, with how they’re sure they’ve seen someone who was supposed to be dead before

ALIENS?: before becoming Warrior of Light, it would be no, but with the revelation of Elidibus on the moon and Midgardsormr and OMEGA‌‌ (ALIEN‌ ROBOT????) they aren’t so sure anymore.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Does not care enough even though they are staunch friends with Nanamo. Didn’t care enough to try and challenge Oktai for the seat of Qestiri Khatun, certainly doesn’t care enough to take a political stance in Eorzea.

EDUCATION LEVEL: Barely any; just enough to read letters written in Eorzean and faintly Ishgardian (courtesy of Alphinaud and Haurchefant).

FAMILY.

FATHER: there was one, once, but he’d rather he be forgotten in pursuit of a happier future. Zaya remembers him as Baatar, but they don’t remember if that was actually his name.

MOTHERS: Erhi, Odgerel.

SIBLINGS: Oktai (older brother), Taban (older sister), Sarnai (sister), Delger and Tuya (fraternal twins)

EXTENDED FAMILY: any of the Scions (former or current) or their fellow Warriors of Light, if we’re talking found family. House Fortemps, Aymeric, Estinien, Sanson, Guydelot, Sidurgu, Rielle, and all of the Qestiri tribe are up there too, but you know, that’s kind of a lot of gifts to be sending around during Starlight. (zaya totally sends them all gifts anyways.)

NAME MEANING /S: Zaya means fate in Mongolian, which all of the other Xaelan names seem to be based on. Their previous name, Dzoldzaya, meant light of fate.

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: Recorded history on the Azim Steppe is easily lost, but if asking around the different tribes, one could learn about a rather prominent Qestiri warrior whose image is painted in some of the caverns nearby where much of important, unforgettable Xaelan history is recorded by the Gharl, swathed in blue cloth. In the days of Amaurot, there was one standout Amaurotine who shared a love for lightning and birds…

FAVORITES.

BOOK: They don’t know enough Eorzean to read a full book, not even a children’s book. The Echo doesn’t help with reading. Urianger has read a book of myths and legends that turned out to be true to them, however, and that has been their favorite for a while. They’ve been considering asking him to read more for them, but that’s been placed on hold after the events of the First and following Mt. Gulg.

DEITY: Nhaama, or Rhalgr, if talking to someone who thinks ‘what’s a Nhaama’ when they mention her.

HOLIDAY: Starlight Celebration. Something about the festive mood always makes them happy.

MONTH: August (4th Umbral Moon)

SEASON: Summer

PLACE: On the Source, Reunion in the Azim Steppe just because interacting with other tribes is rather fun. On the First, Il Mheg all the way!

WEATHER: Clear nights where they can trace the constellations, but it isn’t too cold to need a blanket.

SOUND / S: Excited chatter, harp, singing, small hammers clinking against metal.

SCENT /S: Rain, fresh wood, the air in Gridania, light perfume, Syhrwyda’s food.

TASTE /S: Snurbleberry, honey, most Doman seafood, buuz.

FEEL /S: Soft and smooth fabrics, cold metal, the grip of someone’s hand around theirs, wind blowing through their hair on a warm day.

ANIMAL /S: Yol, chocobo (birds!).

NUMBER: 17, for their nameday and the first year they spent in Eorzea

COLORS: Cobalt blue and indigo, pale gold, soot black.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Extremely good when working with cloth or metal; even more so when tinkering little trinkets. Interestingly enough, very good at playing flute and harp without much practice. Expert at pulling a person’s true emotions out with simply body language.

BAD AT: Sneaking around/stealth. Do not, under any circumstance, give them a job involving secrecy or stealth unless you want it to fail. Speaking/reading is also pretty horrible, due to how they were raised. Also bad at taking change or lies well.

TURN-ONS: Loyalty, bravery despite all odds, kindness and love even when it would be easier to be otherwise, being able to understand other beliefs, and a love of freedom or new experiences

TURN OFFS: Lying to their face knowingly, extreme greed, lack of self-worth, anger for no good reason

HOBBIES: making music with Guydelot and Sanson, attempting to keep a journal, idle tinkering, dancing, gardening

TROPES: Good is Not Soft, Hope Bringer, Magnetic Hero, Omniglot, The Power of Friendship, The Quiet One, Silent Snarker, Dark is Not Evil, Five Stages of Grief, Horrifying Hero, Magic Music, Warrior Poet, Dance Battler, Warrior Monk, Determinator, Pintsized Powerhouse, Pragmatic Hero (don’t let me stay on TV‌tropes pls)

QUOTES: have a snippet of some writing?

Scrawled onto a piece of paper underneath his arm in Thancred’s handwriting and marked with Zaya’s name reads, “Your words, no matter how I react, do not change how I love you all.”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: If you could write your character your way in their own movie,  what would it be called,  what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?          

A1: Honestly, I think there would be two movies that could include Zaya; some comedy musical revolving around Zaya’s bard lifestyle while placing their active lifestyle in the background (called “A Bard Knock Life” bc i think puns are cool) or an action drama framed around Zaya and the Scions living some sort of high fantasy/DND type adventure bc I love that stuff called “The Unbroken Thread”. (THAT‌ QUEST‌ NAME STILL GETS‌ ME)

Q2: What would their soundtrack/score sound like?          

A2: Something featuring a flute, probably. I got attached to Zaya playing the flute being a former flute player myself. (I only wish the oboe performance sound bank clicked with me a little more…)

Q3: Why did you start writing this character?          

A3: Originally, Zaya wasn’t meant to exist. I was literally planning on just creating A’dewah, Syhrwyda, and maybe Lumelle and Elwin in different roles. Then the Au’ra came out; I‌ used my free Fantasia from the sub rewards just to be an Au’ra (I was a miqo’te before; shh, i was still babu who liked cats) and suddenly Zaya started being formed as Menphina Jewel. Before I knew it, that Menphina Jewel grew a whole backstory and a new name and new friends (Azim Steppe arc of Stormblood MSQ? Final nail in the coffin.) that slowly took over the previous two Warriors as the focus of my attention. I wasn’t even supposed to keep playing FFXIV‌ past HW, dude. I had like a million other things to be doing at the time, but here I am, lying in my grave 3 years later still attached.

Q4: What first attracted you to this character?          

A4: They’re (mostly) mute. I really wanted to explore what it’s like to not be able to talk and only converse in body language, but then I discovered that might be a problem, so my interest in sign language collided with Zaya’s backstory. It also helps me work out a personality without them sounding/looking too much like what I think is Basic Story ProtagTM like I tend to do on accident (see A’dewah and Valdis’s dialogue sometimes.)

Q5: Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5: They can’t really speak. Funny how the thing I like most is also the thing I hate most. It’s very frustrating when I want them to convey something and then they can’t without using actual words and a voice because I haven’t got a clue on how to convey that through body language. How in the world do you convey ‘I feel like I’m doing arcanist calculations when you speak’ in nonverbal language??? I have no damn idea and every attempt looks like I meant something else.

Q6: What do you have in common with your muse?          

A6: The snark, man. I have friends constantly commenting on how I’ve made a burn without me realizing I’ve done so, and it’s hilarious. The love for music also carried over big time, especially after discovering how fun the bard NPCs were to write and how they’d fit into Zaya’s relationship web. (they’re totally the more comedic side, but I love Guydelot and Sanson anyways.)

Q7: How does your muse feel about you?          

A7: No clue, dude. Maybe thinks I’m boring? I don’t tend to want to drastically change things or look for new adventures; the biggest leap I’ve taken in two years is probably changing to a reed instrument from flute, and even then I don’t have to change key when‌ I read music, so it’s not that big a deal.

Q8: What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with?        

A8: Urianger and Lyse, maybe? I like the exploration of repairing relationships after something that might have ended another, weaker bond. It’s also kinda fun trying to see how Zaya would react; they’re a lot more rash than I am in real life, and that’s honestly saying something. Alisaie and Alphinaud, however, are the most fun just because I know what I’m doing when I write them, and it’s funny to see how Zaya reacts (or has a lack of reaction) to their dynamic. Guydelot and Sanson fall into another category of ‘dear god I simultaneously love and hate these two’, while Thancred, Y’shtola, Urianger, Syhrwyda, Duscha, and Ryne fall into some sort of strong found family vibes that just get me everytime I think about it

Q9: What gives you inspiration to write your muse?        

A9:…Doing job quests or side story quests or even MSQ I haven’t caught up on yet. Watch as I slowly rewrite as many MSQ‌ and job quest scenes as I can in any of my Warrior of Light’s viewpoints. (currently chiseling away at some backstory/before they were Warriors stories after reading too deep into the race/subrace text and lore keep an eye out LOL-)

Q10: How long did this take you to complete?          

A10: A day or two; don’t remember when I began. It was probably when I was procrastinating on homework, though. I didn’t post it until a week later whoops.

[brightlilies-a]

   cracks knuckles. i’ve long put off rewriting this one, if not because it’s not an easy or concise subject matter to discuss, so bear with me. . . ! spoilers for dnc & 5.0 msq (though the latter is lighter, so i can expand on it later with a broader scope).

   headcanon, re: purpose.    * partially rewritten from my old blog & otherwise including new stuff.

   what’s your purpose?

   if you had asked him that question during a realm reborn and heavensward, he’d wholeheartedly answer that all he wants to do is have the strength to protect others. the funny thing is that it’s a purpose that was given to him——not because he’s the warrior of light or because people are relying upon his continued success, but because it was something his older brother, albi’a, said near constantly prior to the calamity. they were to use their strength to ensure the safety of the tribe, and when they would eventually be outcast, that strength would become something to protect others with. power was meant to protect——that was all it ever meant to albi’to.

   ‘course, after albi’a’s death at carteneau and his mother pushing him to become an adventurer seemingly on a whim, albi’to ultimately ended up parroting that sentiment for a good chunk of time. if someone asked why he was an adventurer, it was always to gain the power to protect, with no deeper thought to it. he believed his would-be mantra, sure (if he hadn’t, he would have never approached the gladiator’s guild, nor walked the path of a paladin), but the words were never something that were his. they were the remnants of a promise left unfulfilled, acting as a buoy for a young man with little else to cling to in the vast, churning ocean of heroics and intrigue that was swiftly becoming his life.

   putting it like that and only looking at it from that perspective, however, makes it seem insincere——and it’s not. albi genuinely wants to protect people. he’s kind and compassionate to others because he’s had a rough go at life and he doesn’t want anyone to go through what he did. he lost his home and much of what he considered his family only to be shuffled into a place that didn’t even want him all at once, and yet, he keeps his optimism (even if at times, he didn’t think he could.). so he often sympathizes, even with people he possibly shouldn’t, and wants to keep them safe.

   but, then again, stormblood happens. namely, in crimson it began happens, as all things inevitably return to zenos. zenos, who is so uncaring to things that don’t interest him, set against albi, who feels so much toward everything and everyone. and yet, the power albi had obtained to protect others wasn’t enough. the conviction he’d allowed to guide him through combating ultima weapon and the whole of the dragonsong war fell short suddenly. the scar on his shoulder is an ugly reminder of his loss, but his shattered shield, like haurchefant’s, reinforces a reality that, for a while, he’s afraid of: he can’t protect everyone.

   so he shifts jobs to samurai, thinking if he gets stronger he can brute force his way through it. he can still protect people, but maybe he doesn’t need a shield to do it. maybe all he needs is a stronger sword that will stop threats in their tracks. but the foundation of his (brother’s) belief that the strong will always be able to protect the weak is cracked, and patches 4.4 onward really reinforce that. for much of stormblood though, there isn’t any time to waver, so the problem only rears its head once the scions start getting called away and he’s helpless to do anything to stop it. yet again, he can’t stop what’s happening, not to the people he cares so much for, and no amount of power is going to help him.

   albi doesn’t do well on his own, as he’s never really had to face who he is and process his own identity. he tends to ensure other people are near him, hiding most of his insecurities through being overly social and directing conversation away from himself. so much of the time between 4.5 part 1 and 4.5 part 2 is very, very rough on him, because he’s holding on so tightly to the image of the warrior of light people want and expect from him, punishing himself for not being able to help the people he’s losing, and ignoring those who are still around’s concerns for him. part 2 of the patch helps, as aymeric reminds him that he isn’t alone, and tataru opens his eyes to the fact he can’t keep bottling everything up and trying to handle these things on his own anymore, which are both things he desperately, desperately needs to hear at that point.

   so while they’re out looking for the crystal tower beacon… he’s not alone, and he’s doing better to include the others in what he’s doing so they can help, but it’s not perfect. it’s hard when he isn’t the same bright-eyed kid that walked into the waking sands at thancred’s behest. he’s still loud and energetic, but he’s begun to mellow out somewhat from everything he’s been through and witnessed.

   above all else, though, he’s come to terms with the truth he once feared: he can’t protect everyone; sometimes, he can’t even protect himself. which brings us back to that initial question of purpose.

   if he cannot protect with his shield and if his blade alone cannot wield enough power, then what’s left to guide him on his way? he’s relied on the scions’ support for so long, and while he’s always done what’s expected of him, he’s never really had much to offer outside of being the eikon slayer or the muscle. but while he’s not allowed to help search for the beacon himself, it gives him plenty of time to find another answer for himself, which he does on a wayward trip to limsa lominsa to visit his sister.

   “ put another way, bringing joy and succor to the scorned and the suffering is no less than our calling in life. ” - nashmeira, a soirée in the sultanate.

   while he’s never offered much besides being a weapon, albi has always had a naturally charismatic personality. he likes people, enjoys their company, delights in bringing them together and building them up. which, in some ways, goes hand in hand with being the warrior of light——sowing hope where despair otherwise reigns is simply part of being the realm’s champion, even if he isn’t fond of the title himself. so the thought of supporting the people around him is one that is more secondhand nature than parroting what his brother said while he was alive, and one that comes more naturally to him.

   natural affinity for and history of dance aside (because this isn’t about that), it’s a job that suits him infinitely better than swinging a sword around. and not because he’s simply good at dancing, but because being a dancer is about supporting the people around oneself, lifting their spirits and unburdening hearts, leaving a bit of joy and happiness in his wake. it isn’t something done alone; it requires a partner or an audience.

   and traveling with troupe falsiam, brief as it might’ve been, truly assured him that he wanted to do nothing more with his life. fighting the absolutely horrible monsters born out of the sorrow in people’s hearts, seeing their burdens manifest like that, it hurt, sure. but he had the ability to help those people, so he would. and he will, because in the end it’s what he wants to do. mistress nashmeira’s words ring true in a way he wholly agrees with——his purpose isn’t to protect people or to fight their battles, but to bring joy and help the helpless. to do as much as he can as kindly as he can, but not promise any form of salvation.

   because he’s not a god, nor is he infallible, and twelve does he know that.

   “ in a place like this, you learn to take what little moments of happiness you can get. “ - tesleen, the time left to us.

   of course, norvrandt puts this new purpose to its test swiftly. most people don’t have much of a reason to be happy, what with the end of the world being nigh. the people’s hearts are filled with doubts, shadows of disdain for the lot they’ve been given, and even by the time he goes to amh araeng to meet with alisaie (which he does first, given how things ended at ghimlyt dark), albi is keenly aware of the general condition. moreover, that it isn’t anything he can fix immediately, because as long as the main problem exists, people will continue to suffer after the fact.

   worse, having gone through what he did alongside troupe falsiam tends to make the events in norvrandt pull on his heartstrings uncomfortably. meeting f’lhaminn once more before seeing thancred struggle to let go of minfilia, dealing with the fuath wanting to make him theirs to perform again and again in endless fights on their drowned stage, watching the carers at journey’s head struggle to find even an ilm of kindness to share with the afflicted... not to mention eulmore in its entirety engorging itself on false happiness, there’s a lot that makes him hesitate. lightwardens, and knowing they were once people, make him sad, but he tries to view it as tesleen put it: the warrior of darkness comes to care for souls at their dying moment, to bring them somewhere hopefully better than where they are currently.

   not a promise of salvation, but a measure of kindness he can deliver to them. something that keenly fits along with the purpose he’s decided for himself, that isn’t asking him to be something or someone he isn’t.

[bardsoverflowers]

[[ I’ve been feeling down about Adra a lot nowadays and I’m not gonna lie about that (seeing as so much has happened in my personal life in the last month, I can’t really blame anyone but myself for feeling this way about her).

I remember when I first made her; she was a Hyur Midlander and an independent young woman. I hadn’t fleshed out a lot of her story at that point, and a year after playing I had finally solidified her story. She was a woman passionate about dance, passionate about being a Bard/Archer and keen on helping anyone and everyone as one of the Warrior’s of Light and bringing good to the world.

A year or two after, I ended up changing her to a Moon Keeper Miqote; mainly due to the fact that were more likeable voice options and aesthetics (I also wanted to have a character with dark skin, not tanned). The only thing I had changed about Adra was the fact that she was now adopted by a family of kind and loving Hyur Midlanders. She very much so held onto her passion for dance, and passion for being an Archer/Bard, but I feel like in the last few months, I’ve lost sight of what I want her to become/what she actually has become.

Adra is a character I’ve worked on A LOT over the years and I feel a little upset that she doesn’t gain the same traction, or even ‘attention’ that male characters do (which is a given). The only way for me to obviously change that is to promote myself and Adra included; which seems like a scary thing for me to do on my behalf during such a difficult time thanks to my depression and anxiety (not only that, isolating myself is something I’m also used to as well). I keep telling myself that I’m going to promote her, but something almost always pops up and requires a lot more of my attention than my role play blog and my characters (e.g. assignments, work and family commitments).

Finding someone to ship her with was something that almost ALWAYS bothered me to a huge extent (well, her having a life-long partner). Not so much in the beginning of her creation, but as the years progressed, I was kinda bummed at the fact that I couldn’t find anybody IC who was just like me or a close friend of mine on a server like Lamia (which is impossible to find on a server as such). I’ve never been the one to say to someone “Hey, I ship X and X together, maybe we could come up with something? (e.g. a story)” to someone EVER because of the negative implications it can have on both parties. Heck, I was even scared to even imply that I shipped Adra and another OC to the OC’s creator; I just found it really rude and invasive for me to throw my character at someone even after knowing them for some time. I’m not the one to initiate things myself, but if someone brings up an idea about a ship or wants to ship with me, there is a 99% chance I’m going to agree with the idea or ship concerning Adra.

Since May this year, I’ve had no idea what to do with my character or which direction to take with her prior to Stormblood. Plot was a thing that was brought up a lot in some chats, which instilled some sort of anxiety within me because I just did things with Adra as I played the story in terms of ARR and HW. I didn’t put much thought or detail about if or any injuries that Adra would sustain, or her thoughts about the Heavens Ward or other events as a collective. Sure, she has a large dislike for Ser Adelphel and grieved tremendously over Haurchefant’s death (heck, I was hesitant in buying SB because I didn’t want to move on so quickly from the story that was HW and Haurchefant himself). Adra was just very hesitant to move on so quickly and so was I.

Surely enough, Stormblood came around and my muse was inclined to help and assist Ala Mhigan women affected by the Garlean Empire’s conquests. She’s sustained a scar from Zenos, and prior to SB she permanently called off the ‘one night stands’ she had with her ex for a few months before the conclusion of HW (all done to fill the loneliness in her heart and to actually feel somewhat ‘loved’ by someone). The latter event saw the end to her emotional trauma per-se, and even meeting D’ucimel, she kind of has her reservations about him. At the same time though, he’s from a similar upbringing to her in terms of being adopted by a non-Miqo’te at a certain age, so she’s not as scared of what he might bring to the table for her.

As for her friends... I’m not sure how Adra sees them at the moment due to my current mental state. One moment, she wants to be around them, and the other, she just doesn’t want anything to do with them (perhaps save for a few). A close friend of mine ended up removing her character, of whom was Adra’s best friend, due to that character having romantic ties with another; of whom moved servers with their boyfriend without even saying goodbye. We’ve spoken about this multiple times to each other about what has happened to said character, but there is no way that I would want to force her to bring said character back as it is associated with a lot of negativity, unfortunately.

Plot wise, I’m not going to stress about it anymore and just do what I did with her in ARR and HW. I also want Adra to get to know some other people as well. I’ve planned out starters for certain people, but I just haven’t gotten around to finishing them due to my concentration and motivation levels die at the thought of it, or in fear that my writing would be just far too terrible for a starter and not up to a specific standard.

I also want to be open about talking about ships with Adra, and it’s something that I’ve ALWAYS been hesitant and nervous to talk about. I’ll probably think of something the ship would do but... 80% of the time, I wont end up confronting the person and telling them about it. I just feel like a pain in the ass (which I’m certainly not, I know that) or just a burden honestly. I have also wanted to send asks pertaining to ships in the last few days, but again, I haven’t because I said to myself; “Nah, I might be bothering them. I better not.”

Overall, I just feel that I may need to be more open with myself and Adra included. Perhaps when everything has smoothed over and I’ve been through the grieving process after losing my grandfather, maybe everything will be okay again. At this current time... I’m not entirely sure as everything seems uncertain. I also plan on drawing and posting some art when I get the time too, and maybe some writings. I’ve always had horrible confidence when it comes to my creativity, so we’ll see how that goes.

If you’ve read up until this point... Thanks. I’ve just been meaning to put my finger on what has been bothering me and ways that I can fix it, and my thoughts together on a character I’ve worked on so much.

In the meantime... I’m just gonna kick back and see how things go from here. ]]