#but hopefully people enjoy weird pseudo-predictions for season two ahahahaha

[princessparadoxical]

I know we’re all having a fucking ball with the CIA-related angst.

But imagine if season two gives us Mission Impossible: Dirk Gently’s Mass Psychic Breakout, followed by multiple episodes of Dirk Gently’s Fast And The Furious: Mystery Squad Road Trip.

Because the breakout itself is an absolute clusterfuck of epic proportions.

The mystery squad is heavily armed thanks to Farah and Estevez, and incredibly pumped thanks to Amanda and Vogel, but they’re still a very small group trying to find and infiltrate a top-secret government facility. Todd jokes that they just have to follow the sounds of muffled government screaming because Dirk won’t stop talking, but honestly it’s a hideous couple of months while they do research and they’re all on tenterhooks by the end of it. Meanwhile the Blackwing subjects are poorly equipped and half-starved and quite often drugged but they’re desperate at this point so when there’s a commotion, they assume that it’s the universe sending them a message to run.

It’s the classic “one group breaks out at the same time that another group breaks in” trope, and individually neither group would have succeeded but together they’re actually quite successful (they don’t find out until much later on that Riggins was responsible for the gates mysteriously unlocking and the cameras mysteriously malfunctioning).

On the way out Bart manages to kill multiple CIA agents using a pillowcase, a paperclip, Dirk’s recently-retrieved yellow leather jacket, and a security camera that she pried from the wall with her own bare hands. Her face when Farah finally hands her a pistol is priceless - she doesn’t need it, but she’s touched by the gesture all the same.

So they’re finally on the outside and Farah immediately takes charge, suggests setting up meeting points and ditching their burner phones because they can still be tracked. But Dirk and Bart respond with “the universe will provide!” and Farah initially insists that they split up into smaller groups, but they end up accidentally meeting up three times in as many weeks so she just fucking rolls with it at that point (with only minor internal screaming).

The original mystery squad are all piled into yet another jeep. Dirk’s so excited about heading into the Heartland even though Todd and Farah keep trying to explain that it’s nothing but corn and weird apocalyptic signs, but his enthusiasm is infectious and they’re all in a good mood until Dirk subjects them to 5 hours of K-Pop and then Todd and Farah are ready to return Dirk to the CIA.

One time Todd tries to ride with Bart and Ken to get away from the K-Pop and ends up ringing Farah after an hour of straight Backstreet Boys ("WHY DO CIA EXPERIMENTS ALL HAVE SUCH BAD MUSIC TASTE, WHAT DID THEY DO TO THEM, SHE DOESN”T UNDERSTAND SHAMPOO BUT KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO BACKSTREET'S BACK FARAH I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE UNIVERSE AT ALL”).

Dirk suggests buying another corvette (”we had one during the Patrick Spring case and that got solved, Todd!”) and Todd is trying desperately to explain that their ‘on the run from the government’ fund doesn’t stretch that far. He and Farah have tacitly agreed that perhaps Dirk shouldn’t be given knowledge of or access to the $4 million sitting in Farah’s bank account. So they stick with the jeep and it’s fine, Todd and Farah can easily share driving duties. Farah initially doesn’t believe that Dirk can’t drive and Todd’s like okay, that’s fine, let him behind the wheel and watch what happens. Farah lasts all of fifteen minutes (which Todd is privately impressed by) before she reaches Peak Twitchiness™ and pulls them over. 

Farah Black will stand for a lot of things, but she will not stand for “the universe will tell me when I’m about to hit a car”. There is a line in the fucking sand that she won’t cross and that’s it. She didn’t risk her life so that she could die on an abandoned back road in Ohio because Dirk was eating old pizza from the box again.

But somewhere along the way Dirk’s sense of humour develops into "I wonder how many times I can say that the Universe wants me to do this before they catch on" and it takes both Todd and Farah a surprisingly long time to work out what he’s doing and when they do, they’re both ready to commit murder but also weirdly proud that their awkward psychic bean made a joke. Dirk’s personal favourite has been “the universe wants us to listen to more K-Pop now" because he could hear Todd literally grinding his teeth in the back seat (it turns out that corn isn’t actually that interesting after all and he has to stave off the boredom somehow).

So they’re in Nebraska and Dirk’s chasing yet another cat because “the universe says that it’s soft and I need to pat it for mysterious unexplained psychic reasons” and Todd and Farah are silently watching him until Farah leans over and quietly says “he wouldn’t fit in the trunk” and Todd replies with “I know, I already measured it”. Both of them end up spending a lot of time wondering whether they could convince Bart to try kill him again.

Amanda totally susses it out like three minutes after they meet up again that Dirk's playing them like a fiddle but instead of saying anything solemnly sides with him on all of it. She’s a true believer (and a good bro) plus, it’s pissing Todd off something terrible and that pleases her on an emotional and a spiritual level.

Bart and Ken alternate between riding with the mystery squad, riding with the Rowdy 3, and acquiring their own vehicle through legally dubious means. Ken still doesn’t know what to make of the Rowdy 3 but they’ve all decided that he’s a pretty decent dude and give him a greeting brick whenever they all meet up. He’s got a small pile of them and he’s not quite sure what the protocol is (does he thank them? return the favour? is it a gesture of friendship or a proposal?) but Bart’s used them as projectile weapons multiple times so he’s just going with the flow at this point.

Amanda gives Ken shit about cheating on Bart with other psychic experiments, but Amanda also gives the Rowdy 3 shit about cheating on her with other "badass normals" like Ken. Amanda just gives people shit in general and it’s lucky that they all love her because otherwise shit could hit the fan. Amanda and Ken have a huge discussion about whether she's cheating on Dirk with the Rowdy Three or whether she's cheating on the Rowdy Three with Dirk which neither party is allowed to give input on because Dirk saw her first but the Rowdy Three gave her a brick with a nice message and that's dedication you know (Dirk wonders whether he should offer a brick of his own but decides against it, he doesn’t know what he’d write on it but it sounds dangerous).

Amanda decides that they're all cheating on her and takes some pizza from everyone as a result. But she also insists that everyone makes good and so there’s a tentative peace established that lasts for the entirety of the Midwest. Dirk and the Rowdy 3 aren’t friends, but they manage to give each other The Stoic Dude Nod™ every time they meet up. Martin can do it flawlessly. Dirk just looks like he's spasming. Gripps and Cross think it's hilarious but refrain from mocking in the spirit of their new-found friendship. Todd catches Dirk practicing in the mirror and doesn’t even bother asking, it was okay the first time but it feels like it’s getting steadily worse.

Farah can do the The Stoic Dude Nod™.

Amanda can not only do the The Stoic Dude Nod™ but the Single Eyebrow Raise™ that some people (see: Zimmerfield) can do wheretheir foreheads don't even wrinkle. One time she did both at the same time and it ends up being the Rowdy Three's equivalent of "one time she punched me in the face... it was awesome". They start saying “Amanda, eyebrows” whenever anyone says or does something dumb, and she is fucking ecstatic. This is what the universe wants her to do. This is what she was born for.

Estevez primarily functions as their contact in the police force but occasionally rides with them when it’s safe to do so. He usually chills with the mystery squad in the jeep but every so often joins the Rowdy 3 in their van. Sits there watching them drink-drive and he can’t even be mad because they’re all criminals now. Plausible deniability went out the window a really long time ago. The Rowdy 3 distrust him at first, nothing personal but they’ve had some horrific experiences with people in positions of power, but one day he rocks up with a slab of beer to share and Cross paints his nails the same vivid green as Amanda’s nails (Estevez takes this as the compliment that it’s intended to be).

They end up presenting him with a crowbar that’s been spray-painted a myriad of neon colours and Estevez isn't sure how he reached a place in his life where he's touched about getting a crowbar but sure, this seems like exactly the sort of thing he’s trained to deal with (he can’t help but think that somewhere out there, Zimmerfield approves).

Todd gets given half a brick in a sock and accepts it as probably the best he's going to get from them because lord knows that the Rowdy 3 are never going to be his biggest fans. Amanda doesn't even get gifts of weapons from them anymore, she just gets first pick whenever they find new ones because it’s easier and simpler that way.

Bart can fashion her own weapons but she, too, gives them The Stoic Dude Nod™ once she works out what the fuck it is.