#but highkey highkey want to finish alll my other wips too u feek

[itsallavengers]

(Mis)adventures of Cop!Tony & Thief!Steve

The police officer was almost bent double, regarding the picked lock and open safe as if it was having a conversation with him. There was no-one else in the room; the resident of the home had long since left the place- too upset to stay. They had just been burgled, after all.

“Safe appears to have been forced open,” the cop spoke into his walkie-talkie that was almost certainly not actually transmitting to anyone in particular, “no fingerprints or evidence of any sort, except for a footprint left by a size twelve foot. Probably looking for a tall man in the late thirties-”

“You’re looking for Rogers,” Tony said with a sigh, pushing open the door and regarding the scene of the crime with a raised eyebrow, “and no- he’s none of those things. He only puts the footprint down to fuck with you- thinks it’s funny, the little prick.”

The police officer- some recruit they’d hired a few weeks back that Tony couldn’t remember the name of- stared at him in surprise. “I- what are you doing here? And how the hell do you know that? This is a fresh crime and you just walked in.”

Tony kneaded his forehead and sighed. He was always sighing, these days. He was pretty sure exhalations had increased by at least 54% in the past year since Stupid Steve had arrived on the scene. “Because the perpetrator just sent me a selfie of him with the stolen item.”

The rookie gasped, stepping forward immediately. “You’re in contact with the perp?” He asked.

Tony just rolled his eyes, stepping forward and peering into the safe, checking the locks. Yep- that was definitely Steve’s style- he could fucking smell the guy on a crime scene at this point. “If I did- you think I’d be here? He sent it on a burner- been doing it for months now, every single time he makes a case. Is the home owner still here?”

The rookie stumbled a little, trying to process the surge of information. “I… so you’re saying a dangerous criminal has managed to obtain your number? Are you- are we safe?”

“He’s not-” Tony stopped, and pointedly did not sigh this time, “he’s not dangerous. Just an asshole.”

Yeah. Asshole indeed. Ever since the beginning of the year the guy had been making it his personal goal to try and annoy and irritate Tony as much as possible. 29 cases- all unsolved, all involving cat-burglary, theft, extortion or blackmail, and most importantly, all involving Steve Fucking Rogers.

Asshole. 

“Anyway,” Tony said, shaking his head and trying not to think about the mountain of paperwork that skinny law-dodging son of a bitch was going to have made for him that evening, “are the owners still here?”

“Can I see the picture?” Rookie asked, puffing his chest, “for evidence, you know.”

“No no no no, me first, then you,” Tony pointed to himself and clicked his tongue irritably. He was not in a good enough mood to be dealing with Rookies who wanted him to do perfectly reasonable things. “Are the owners still in the damn house?”

Rookie looked a little taken aback, but he shook his head. “Guy said he was too spooked to stay. Took an early vacation for a little while.”

Okay. See, now Tony was going to sigh again, dammit- next time he was going to catch Steve Rogers and make sure he never caused Tony any fucking hassle again- just see if he fucking didn’t. “Don’t they teach you kids about letting suspects just wander off? I’m sure they teach that. If they don’t, I suggest you learn it.”

Tony pulled a disc out of his folder and shoved it at the guy’s chest before turning on his heel. “That’s what was in the safe,” he said, waving a hand, “don’t watch it. It’s a ton of child porn.”

The Rookie reeled back in horror. “But- but- this house belongs to the mayor of the-”

“I’m aware,” Tony said dryly, “but not for much longer, if I can get ahold of him. I do have a nice pair of cuffs that would go well with his eyes, though. Any idea where he was headed?”

Rookie shook his head, and then looked back down at the disc. “How the fuck did you get this?” He asked, before catching on a second later and widening his eyes. “Did- the perp gave this to you, too?”

 Well, see, that just made Tony sound like a bad cop. He wasn’t a bad cop. He was one of the fucking best cops in New York. Just so happened that Rogers was a really, really good crook.

“It was in my mail this morning,” Tony bit out, “crime happened, what, 8 hours ago? Mail arrived 40 minutes ago, with that.”

He left out the letter Rogers had sent along with it- that one was still tucked away in his pocket, the string of numbers and the’call me if you fancy a real challenge ;) x’ still replaying in his mind like a broken record.

Stupid criminal. Stupid Criminal Steve who was just getting cocky, that’s all he was. 

“Go back to the precinct, kid,” Tony ran a hand through his hair, feeling the too-long strands and wondering when he was gonna have the time to cut it after all the goddamn paperwork he was going to have to fill out, “you’re not gonna get anything else from this. I’ll make the arrest- he won’t have gotten far.”

“Who- Rogers?”

“No, the fucking Mayor who owns a shit-ton of child porn,” Tony snapped, “Rogers is none of your concern, just forget about him. He’s my criminal, alright, and I’ll deal with him.”

With that, he turned on his heel and walked back to his car. A long drive across the tri-state area was really not something he fancied at that moment, but hey- at least it would be another bad guy down. 

He supposed he could thank Rogers for that much, at least. And… maybe a few of the others, too.  Okay, maybe all 29 others. But whatever. Still a criminal.

He built up a sigh in his lungs, readying to release it once he slid into the driver’s seat, but the air was promptly removed from his chest when he noticed that the backseat of the car had somehow become occupied in the space it had taken for Tony to go in an patronise the rookie. Which was very odd, and definitely a sign of something. Possibly dangerous, but somehow, Tony doubted it.

He stopped, glaring through the window and to the thoroughly tied and gagged mayor, now sporting the word ‘SCUM’ written across his forehead in what appeared to be permanent marker.

“I hate you,” Tony declared to the empty street, folding his arms, “I really, really do.”

“You were being slow,” Steve shrugged, popping up from the other side of the car, his blonde hair flopping over his eyes for a second before he tucked it away behind his ears, “and I had a free morning. Thought I’d save you the journey.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t appreciate it,” Tony said grumpily, “I should just shoot you in the knee and bring you in, you know. You’re a menace to society and I would be fired on the spot if they knew that I was stood here talking to you rather than arresting your ass.”

Steve laughed. “By all means, do your worst. I’d like to see how that would go down.”

Tony, unsurprisingly, did not. He’d seen what Steve could do- knew how slippery the bastard was. Quite frankly, he’d rather just save himself the embarrassment. “I should still shoot you.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “You enjoy my company too much to do that.”

“Want a fucking bet, Rogers?”

“I bet my left kneecap.”

Tony pulled out his gun with brisk and brutal efficiency, but Steve just laughed.

Bastard.

“So- you get my letter?” Steve leaned across the side of the car, linking his fingers together and looking up toward Tony, who folded his arms defiantly, “what do you think? I’m always available for consulting- love to lend a hand when the cops can’t quite do it themselves. Or, you know, it could just be you and me. I’d prefer that, to be honest, and I’m not wrong when I say it would certainly be an exciting challenge-”

“You have the right to remain silent,” Tony interrupted him with stubbornly, starting to walk around to the other side of the car whilst Steve just chuckled and backed up, “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-”

“Aw, shucks, Tony, I thought I was getting myself a date, not an arrest,” Steve shook his head, but he was still smiling as he drew up his hood.

“You have the right to an attorney,” Tony called out, beginning to speed up as Steve started jogging backwards, “If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be-”

At that moment, Steve pressed a button in his hand- Tony’s fucking car keys- and unlocked the doors of his car. The guy in the back, seeing this development, wasted no time in starting to scramble out, falling on the street and onto all fours. “Me or him, Tony!” Steve called out in glee, tossing over the keys as he continued to jog away.

Tony turned in surprise, looking over to the man as he stumbled down he street. When he turned back, the skinny blond was nowhere to be seen. Fucking Rogers- he’d been trying to for a god damn year now and the little bastard was still slipping through his fucking fingers each time.

“-Provided for you DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE RIGHTS I HAVE JUST READ YOU!” Tony yelled, kicking a can in the middle of the road and then groaning irritably.

It was only eight in the fucking morning, and he was already yelling at nobody in the middle of the street.  He should have just become a fucking game designer. That sounded nice. Hassle free. No deceptively beautiful perps with infuriating tendencies to disappear into thin air in that line of work.

Grinding his teeth, he marched after the mayor and grabbed him back by the ties Steve had made around his wrists. A knee to the back of his leg and then Tony was repeating the same Miranda Rights all over again whilst the other 99% of his brain thought pleasantly about the next gallon of coffee he was about to pour directly into his central nervous system.

“I like it longer,” and then a hand brushed through his hair, soft and delicate and with bony fingers that made the top of his head feel tingly and warm.

Tony’s head jerked up, and he caught sight of Steve as he ran down the street, having stopped only to ruffle Tony’s hair before moving on again. He’d put a hand out to catch the wrist instinctively, but of course, by that point Steve was long gone.

The other man made a phone gesture and winked, before slipping around the corner again. Tony just watched him, hands still gripping on to the perp.

His hair felt warm. Maybe it wasn’t so bad a little longer, after all.

He groaned, but couldn’t help the tiny (teeny tiny- barely even there, really) laugh that escaped him.

Fucking Rogers.