#but hey at least it was a Publix so I got to pick up some Bamba lol

[roboromantic]

that said I have jobs that only happen once a quarter, and between me SEVERELY underestimating how long it'd take to do this one and the storm disrupting my schedule, I ended up working roughly TWELVE HOURS yesterday

[ladyblogger-margie]

Permit Pending - Part 1

Pairing: Will Miller (Triple Frontier) x F!Reader

Summary: All Will Miller wanted was a park permit for a VA fundraiser, what he got instead was an unscheduled afternoon exploring different parks with F!Reader.

Word Count:  3890

Rating: G (smut to come in chapter 2!)

Warnings: Course language. Eventual smut in future chapters. 

a/n: My first time writing reader insert and for Will Miller AND for Triple Frontier, so any feedback at all is appreciated. No Y/N. 

Series Master List

3-2-1, Will Miller counted down to the ring of his morning alarm clock. Just like every single day his phone blared a monotonous alarm sound at exactly 05:42 and Will shut it off. He spent the next three minutes practicing mindful breathing and preparing for the day ahead. At 05:45 he rose and changed into his gym clothes. 

He shook together a protein shake as he rode the elevator down to the surprisingly decent gym in his building where he did exactly 30 minutes of cardio followed by an hour of weight training. Today was back and chest day – his favorite – so of course he decided to listen to a podcast instead of a playlist of high tempo motivational music. It was easier to be motivated for something you already wanted to do after all. The podcast today was about finding a balance between order and relaxation, something his therapist had recommended he do before his insurance ran out on therapy sessions and he opted out of continuing the process.

After the gym he returned to his apartment and started the coffee maker. After a quick shower and some facial hair maintenance, he dressed in one of his branded polo shirts and drank his coffee with his breakfast. He had two talks scheduled for the day before lunch, then an errand to run after lunch. Later that evening he would meet up with Benny for fight training. Today could not be any more normal for him - exactly the same as the day before, and the day before that. 

Or so he thought. 

You woke up groaning when your alarm went off at 7:15am. You snoozed it. You also snoozed your 7:22am, 7:31am, and 7:40am alarms. You finally rolled yourself out of bed at 7:50am in time for your quick 30 minute yoga routine before you got ready for work. 

You breezed into the parks and recreation office at City Hall at exactly 8:57am. You grabbed a cup of coffee from the office machine knowing that if you got up at 7:15am as planned you would’ve had time to stop at Starbucks on your way into the office. 

You spent your morning as you usually did - catching up on your passion projects which were the youth sport organizations. You ensured all the public teams had access to the necessary fields and confirmed with the greens team that they were all in working order. You loved your mornings at work even though you weren’t necessarily a morning person. 

After lunch was another story. After a series of poorly timed budget cuts, your department was forced to cancel the internship program. That meant you were drafted into working the permit desks in the afternoons. You knew that it wasn’t actually the worst thing in the world, it was just so boring. The applications were longer than they had any right to be and filled with confusing language. This meant nearly every single application required a specific follow up that never fit one of the many form responses you’d been accumulating in the hopes of streamlining the process. 

Of course you wanted your community to take advantage of the awesome parks in your town, but apparently the legal department didn’t. It put you in a difficult spot where sometimes you were forced to give the park permits to corporations instead of individuals and it drove you crazy to do so. It also locked you to a desk unless a specific permit issue arose that required an in-person follow up which never happened. Which is why after lunch you went off campus to get yourself your favourite Starbucks order because the permit desk on a Monday required the heavy artillery to survive. 

Or so you thought. 

After a few hours of pouring over pages and pages of documents, the most handsome man you had ever seen walked into the office. He had blonde hair and soft eyes which you noticed right away but immediately after you were drawn to his strong chest tightly wrapped in a blue polo with some logo you didn’t recognize over one of his firm pecs. 

“My name is William Miller, and I’m hoping you can help me with a park permit,” the man said, holding out his hand to you. 

You composed yourself as quickly as you could and introduced yourself in return, shaking his hand. “I’d be happy to help you with that,” you said as you let go. His hands were firm and from the callouses you could tell he worked out, though his general physique already gave that away. 

He smiled at you and you felt something stir inside you that was not exactly professional, “Did you have a specific location in mind?”

“No, actually I was hoping to get your opinion. I’m helping to put together a community fundraiser, a BBQ actually, to help support the local VA, but I’m not exactly sure where would be the best place to set something like that up,” he replied. 

You knew exactly where to send him. There was a perfect location you often recommended for huge family reunions, outdoor wedding receptions, and concerts. But as you looked down at the desk for the correct application form you saw the huge pile of pages still left unread taunting you and you got an idea, “Why don’t I give you a tour of a few different locations to help you make your decision?” 

“That’s a service you offer here?”

“We aim to please” you said, desperate for an excuse to get out of the office. 

Will hesitated as he fiddled with his keys for a moment. 

“I could drive if you like,” he offered.

You smiled as professionally as you could, trying to contain your glee. 

“Thank you, let me just check out with my boss and I’ll be right back” you darted away before you could blow your composure. 

You stuck your head into your boss’ office. “Hey, I’m stepping away from the desk. Some guy is insisting I help him pick a park location for his permit request. I’m on my cell if there’s an emergency” you said, not stopping to hear their response before darting off. 

You grabbed your coffee off the desk and landed in front of Will. “Ready,” you said as he smiled warmly at you. He held the door open for you as you left the office, and your boring afternoon, behind.

He led you to his truck in the parking lot and held open the passenger door for you which made your heart flutter though you tried to control it and you reminded yourself that this was a professional outing, not a date. 

He climbed into the cab beside you and started the truck before he turned to you and asked, “Where to?”

You gave him directions to a park you know wouldn’t work, but it did have a couple of soccer fields, and you wanted to check the nets there for holes and figured you could push your luck a bit more today. 

He pulled into the park parking lot and looked around with a slight purse of his lips and a furrow in his brow. He cleared his throat before asking, “I did explain it was a BBQ, right? I don’t really see a place for that,”. 

You suddenly felt guilty, thinking he probably had somewhere else to be today and you derailed him for your own selfish reasons. “I’m sorry, I’m keeping you. I just had to get out of the office, and I took advantage of you. If you’ve got somewhere to be, leave me here with your information and I’ll get everything arranged for you at the perfect place,” you said, avoiding eye contact.

To your surprise he smiled at you, “You should’ve said, I’ve got nothing going on this afternoon, I can help you play hooky.” 

You smiled back at him, relieved that he was on board with your scheme. 

Will watched as you inspected the soccer nets for tears and he felt a warmth in his chest he hadn’t since his fiancee, who had left him after the incident at the Publix. You were really nice and he could tell you were passionate about your job, at least parts of it, especially hearing you explain exactly what your job was while he drove you both to this destination. Plus there was no denying that he found you incredibly attractive. 

You returned to his side at the edge of the field after completing your inspection. “Thanks for waiting, there’s a middle-school tournament here starting tomorrow and I wanted to make sure everything was set,” you said to him and he knew he was in trouble. 

“Ready for park number two?” you asked. 

He nodded and led you back to the truck. 

When you arrived at park number two, Will realized this had to be the place you intended for the permit and he was a bit disappointed. He had been hoping to stretch out his afternoon with you a little longer. Before he could ask if you needed a ride back to City Hall he heard you let go a soft, sad sigh. He looked at you but you were gazing out the front window at the park. 

“Is something wrong?” He asked. 

“I’m going to kill the guys in City Planning,” you muttered upset. 

Will tried to figure out what it was you were looking at, but he couldn’t see anything wrong with the park. It looked like the perfect place for a fundraising BBQ. 

You turned to Will hopeful, “Do you have tools in this truck, or is it just for show?”

He smiled at your joke, “I’ve got a box in the back. What’s the problem?”

You gestured to a park bench, “City Planning keeps installing anti-homeless architecture in my parks and I’m not going to let them get away with it,” you said with a sly smile. 

Will knows for sure now that he definitely has a crush on you. He gets out of the truck and grabs his modest tool box from the bed and follows you over to the bench. He sees a metal arm rest in the middle of the bench, obviously installed to ensure no one lays across it. He checks the back to see how it’s attached and scoffs at the simple way it’s been bolted in and opens his tool kit. 

“Am I going to get arrested for this?” He jokes as he gets to work. 

You laugh, “You’re with me, I’ll protect you”. 

You smile at this; you could get used to the idea of having his back. He gets the bar free and you take it from him. He gestures to another bench a few steps away and he gets to work on liberating that bench too. You happily follow him as you ask, “So, you work for the VA?”

“Yeah, I mostly just run my mouth though,” he grunted as he loosened the much tighter bolt on the second bench. 

“Were you military?”

“Yeah,” He rolls up his sleeve and shows you a tattoo on his forearm, “Delta Force”. 

“But you’re retired now?”

“Something like that,”.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be retired?”

He paused and handed you the second detached metal arm. 

You felt self conscious, maybe you were being rude? “Sorry, it’s none of my business,” You said nervously. 

He shook his head, “You’re fine. It’s just not something I’m necessarily proud of though”. 

“You don’t have to explain, it’s none of my business,” You said, as you led the way to the third bench. 

“I had some trouble, and I was told my services were no longer needed in the field,” he explained getting to work on the third arm, “But I found a way to be useful, stay involved”. 

You nodded, “That couldn’t have been easy,”.

He shook his head, “There are good days, and bad days,” and he handed you the third arm. 

He looked around and didn’t see any more pieces of hostile architecture so he turned to you, “Do you need a ride back to City Hall?”

You looked at him and felt bold. “This is obviously the best park for your event, but if you’ve got nowhere to be, did you want to make one more stop and see my favorite park?”

He smiled at you and nodded his head. You led the way back to his truck where he put his tools away and took the arms from you and dumped them in the bed. 

“I can’t wait to drop those off at the City Planning office tomorrow,” you giggled triumphantly. 

You and Will loaded up into the truck and you directed him out of the parking lot. 

Park number 3 was your favorite place in the entire world, though to be fair you hadn’t actually travelled much so you couldn’t really compare it to anywhere else, but still. To you the lakeside beach next to the tree covered green grass was a slice of heaven. You’d go there on the weekends with a podcast lined up or an old book and spend the whole afternoon on a bench with a coffee and some fresh air. 

When Will pulled into the parking lot, you suddenly got nervous. You had lost some of your earlier boldness that suggested you open yourself up like this to a man you just met. But there was something about him, a warmth and a vulnerability that made you want him to know you, and you to know him. 

You both got out of the truck and the sun was starting to get low in the sky as you walked him to a bench that bordered the beach and the grass. You took a seat and he sat next to you, your thighs gently brushing. The contact sent a shiver down your spine that had nothing to do with the cool breeze that brushed through the leaves above your head. 

Will looked out across the lake and around the park. He felt the warmth of your leg against his and the urge to lean over and brush your cheek with his thumb nearly overwhelmed him. You were so close, it would be so easily for him to just kiss you. But he wasn’t sure you’d want that. You wanted to play hooky from work, and share your love of the parks. He couldn’t let himself think that your enthusiasm for the day had anything to do with him. Instead of holding you under his arm and against his chest, he folded in on himself and looked at you.

He was about to ask what you were thinking about when his phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and noticed Benny’s name on the caller ID and cursed under his breath. “I’m so sorry,” he said to you as he answered, “I’ve got to take this.”

He stands and walks a few paces away and you watch him leave, disappointed. You thought maybe he was about to ask you on a date, and tried not to let yourself be too upset that he didn’t. You watch as he rubbed his forehead and shook his head as he talked on the phone to someone you couldn’t hear and didn’t know. 

He hung up the phone and turned to look at you, and you turned away, a little embarrassed to have been caught staring at him. He walks back to you on the bench but doesn’t sit down again. 

“Thank you for showing me this place, it’s beautiful,” he said softly and his sweet voice drew your gaze to his lips as he spoke. You felt the electricity surge between you all the way through to the tips of your fingers and your toes. “I hadn’t realized how late it’s gotten, I’m supposed to be at the gym, training my brother,” he explained. 

You nodded and stood up next to him, so close you had to look up to meet his eyes. “That’s fine, I can call an Uber or something back to City Hall” and you pulled out your phone. 

He put his hand on your arm, “Don’t be silly, I’ll take you back. Plus gotta make sure those city planning guys get their gift.”

Your breath hitched when he touched you and you couldn’t contain your smile as you nodded. “Are you sure? I’ve already taken so much of your time” you said, unable to tear your eyes from his. 

“I want to”.

He walks you back to the truck and opens your door for you again and you hop in both flustered and excited. 

The drive back to City Hall is more quiet than you’ve been all day. Your previous trips were full of chit chat about sports and books and random small talk. Now all that existed in the truck was the electricity and tension between you. You wondered if he felt it too, or if the surprising infatuation was a one-sided affair. 

Will gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles went white. He had spent most the afternoon with you and he failed to buck up the courage to ask you out. You took him to your favorite place and basically hand wrapped a romantic moment, and he blew it. He didn’t know if you noticed the potential romance of the location, or if you intended to entice him so completely, but you had. And he blew his shot. 

Back at City Hall he handed you the metal arms from your adventure and you stayed by the truck. You were hoping he’d ask you out before he left. 

“Thanks for the ride, and the impromptu bench liberation, and the excuse to get out of the office,” you said with a smile, lingering longer than you needed to. 

He smiled back, maybe he could ask you now and he could still pull off the romantic gesture. “I had a great day, which I hadn’t actually expected when I went in earlier looking to fill out boring paperwork,” he said leaning unconsciously closer to you. 

He took a deep breath, ready to ask - when his cell phone rang again. He silenced it and tried again, “Hey-“ and the phone rang again and he answered it. “I’m on my way, asshole. Start with cardio,” he said, frustrated, “you don’t need me for that”.

He hung up and looked at you embarrassed by his outburst, absolutely believing that he had blown it for sure now. But you just looked at him amused, not annoyed. 

“Friend of yours?” you asked, stifling a laugh. 

“My baby brother. He’s a fighter and I’m his trainer, which I do for free by the way, but he loves to act like he’s my boss”, he explained. 

“Sounds like a character.”

“He is something that’s for sure. He’s also really special, really talented. He deserves a better lot than what he’s got”, Will's voice trailed off as he thought bitterly about how Benny left service when he did and the guilt he carried, unspoken, about that ever since. 

Will leaned back, “Do you need a walk to your car?”

“I’m alright, thank you. I better head back up to the office first anyway. Thanks again for today. Maybe I’ll see you around”, you forced a smile, abandoning all hope of a date and retreating into the building. 

Will kicked himself mentally all the way to the gym. When he got there he was in a bad mood. 

“Finally!” Benny shouted at him when he walked in.

“I have a life outside of you, you know that right?” Will spit towards Benny.

“Fuck’s wrong with you?” Benny asked.

“I told you I was on my way, what was so important that you had to call me again and nag me?” Will asked.

“You’re never late, I was worried,” Benny admitted. 

Will paused. He hasn’t thought of it like that. He was never late, it was so unlike him. It was actually kinda nice Benny worried, even if he was an ass about it.

“Well I’m here now, let’s get to it”, Will shrugged and he climbed into the ring opposite Benny. 

After training they grabbed some food together. After scarfing down most of his meal without breathing, Benny asked Will, “Why were you late? You didn’t say.”

Will cleared his throat, “I was trying to get a park permit for the VA BBQ”.

“I thought you did that right after lunch?”

“It took longer than expected,” Will said vaguely. 

Benny squinted his eyes at his older brother until the metaphorical lightbulb went off. “Oh shit!” he said, “You were with a girl! Fuck, I never would’ve called you away if I knew, you’ve been alone for so long!” 

Will threw his used napkin at his taunting brother, “Fuck off.”

“Seriously,” Benny said, not laughing anymore, “I hope I didn’t blow it for you, I want you to be happy.”

Will sighed, “I didn’t get her number, and I didn’t ask her out.”

Benny gave him a sympathetic smile, “At least you got the permit for the event.”

Will pinched the bridge of his nose, “Fuck, I completely forgot to actually get the permit.”

Benny smirked at him. “You know what that means, right?”

“No,” Will groaned. 

“You gotta go back and see her tomorrow.”

Will leaned back in his chair, his mood dramatically improved. 

The next morning you dragged yourself out of bed after your third alarm and skipped yoga, just not in the mood. You hoped stopping at Starbucks would get you out of your funk, but even your favorite coffee didn’t have its usual effect. You felt so stupid for feeling like this today. You literally knew Will Miller for all of one afternoon, it shouldn’t ruin your whole week that he didn’t ask you out. 

You walked into the office ready to be grumpy for the rest of the day when you noticed Will stand up from the chair in which he was sitting. 

Will had been waiting for you since the office opened. He was there long enough to wonder if what he was doing was creepy or sweet. The longer he waited, the worse he felt about his plan. Though once he saw you, his resolve formed and he stood to greet you. Any insecurity he had melted away when he saw how you smiled at him when you noticed him there. 

“Hey,” he started, finding his voice. 

“Hey,” you replied, breathless. 

“I never did fill out a permit yesterday, I got distracted by someone way more interesting than paperwork,” he said, unable to contain a grin. 

You felt something deep in your center as you too failed to contain a beaming smile. 

“I can help you with that,” you walked behind the permit desk and he met you on the other side. 

You handed him the paperwork and helped him fill everything out. The entire time neither of you could contain your ear splitting smiles. When he finished you stamped his form and returned his copy. 

“You’re all set, Mr. Miller,” you said, “Will there be anything else?”

He looked you the eye, “Are you free Friday night? I’d love to take you out.”

You nodded eagerly, “I’d like that.”

PART 2 

[queennicoleinboots]

I Hate This Planet, part 2

She shrugged. "Thank you. I have to make arrangements for Jamie's care while I am off this planet," she said as she left the room.

Jasper laughed. "Great! We have a deal. Now let me get back to work," he said.

Will do," I said as I chuckled and hung up the phone.

"Please do. Jamie drives me fucking nuts!" Godiva said as she walked away.

"Jamie drives me fucking nuts, too!!! Always has ever since I was fucking conceived. There hasn't been one goddamn day of my life that he hasn't irked me in some shape or form. FUCK," Peter said as he slapped his monitor. "I'd like to throw this computer out of the window of the ship as soon as I leave this PIECE OF SHIT PLANET!!!!!" He sung the word, "planet."

"Would you like to design the website before or after you leave the planet?" I asked.

"AFTER," Peter said with a smile. "But not before my novel drives me completely bat shit CRAZY! Who knew a Wizard of Oz spoof would be so hard to write! What the fuck?!"

"As you yell randomly every day of your life, Peter, writing is hard man!" I answered.

"You got that right. Damn it all to hell. Nothing ever goes as you plan it. Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!" Peter yelled as he threw his hands in the air repeatedly.

I agreed with that statement more than ever. So I said "Fuck it," finished my job there, and attempted to see Mr. Williamson.

--------------------------------------------------

I was trying to figure how I was going to ask him to join us on our intergalactic journey the fuck out of here. I had to tell him that Pain-in-the-ass Peter, Joke-ridden Joebear, and Jaded Jasper were going to be on the ship with me. I also had to tell him about the animals and Gentle Godiva.

I heard a car coming up his driveway. All seemed normal until I heard Mr. Williamson yelling, "Yes! I can carry a leaning tower of food! I'm not weak. I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM!!!!"

My ears perked up before I saw Jewel, his angry wife, walk past me to and try to find her house keys.

"Hey Zara. How are you? I'm sorry. Today has been too much. My husband assumed I was picking on him. I'm just trying to help," she said as she was exasperated.

"I know the feeling. My husband AND my pain in the ass boss treat me the same way," I said.

"Hey, Mr. Williamson, do you need help with the food. It's leaning over," Ted the Alligator asked.

"No! I don't need help! I know it's leaning. I can feel it's leaning! I've been carrying food all my life! I can walk, run, jump, skip, carry food, AND do math!" Mr. Williamson yelled as he carried the food without assistance with no trouble at all.

I cracked up and held my abdomen.

"Oh dear, here we go," Jewel said as she rolled her brown eyes behind square-framed glasses as she struggled to find the house keys.

Mr. Williamson was walking toward us. "I have a vision problem! I have a vision problem! I don't have a mental problem! I don't have a physical problem! I can lift weights, move objects, carry 100 pounds, I've been carrying food all my life! NO I DON'T Need help carrying my food!" he continued to rant.

I continued to laugh hysterically and began rocking back and forth. Among Jasper, Joebear, Peter, and Mr. Williamson, I lost five pounds while laughing that day. Jewel turned her head to the side and grinned as she tried not to laugh. Ted was cracking up as he followed Mr. Williamson.

"I could do more than you can!" Mr. Williamson yelled as he walked toward the front door. "I'll even open the front door! I can do that! I can withstand the wind! I'm not going to get knocked over if someone tries to push me over. I use my cane because I have a VISION problem!!!!"

Ted rolled on the ground and laughed. Jack the Crocodile came around the corner and looked confused.

"What's going on?" Jack the Crocodile asked.

"I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM! And I could open the front door if I had the keys. Jewel, the keys should be in the left pocket of your purse! I can remember things. I'm not disabled! I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM!!!!" Mr. Williamson ranted.

"Answers my question," Jack said as he laughed.

Jewel fished through her purse and found her keys. "There they are! You're right, Brandon," she said with a smile as she handed him the keys.

He took the keys and unlocked the door. "Good Jesus! I can use keys to open doors. Hell, I can HOLD THE DOOR OPEN for you, too!" He continued to rant.

I continued to laugh as I walked in the door. "Thank you, Mr. Williamson."

"I'm not going to fall if someone SHOVES ME!" He continued before acting like he was falling. "I can stand on my own two feet!"

Jewel walked through the door and cracked up.

He closed the door behind us and continued, "I'm sorry. It's just overwhelming dealing with people asking me if I need help all the time."

"I can imagine," I said with a laugh.

"Anyway, how are you?" he asked.

"Ugh. Stressed out about Peter as usual. He is such a spoiled brat. But Jasper is building a space ship to get my small group of friends off of this planet. The problem is, Peter wants off the planet because he is stressed out about his dad. So, Peter is paying $200 to Jasper to get on the ship while he is tied up. Joebear is also coming along because he is stressed out about the government shutdown. Would you like to come along?" I said.

"YES! I'm stressed out about people THINKING I'M DISABLED!" he yelled.

Ted burst through the door. "Can we come? I'm stressed out about Cody, my arch nemesis?"

Jack followed him and said, "Please? I'm stressed out the Democratic party not letting Trump build a wall to keep out Mexicans who can't climb."

"Sure! It would be fun to torture Peter. You guys can bite Peter's toes and fingers," I said.

Mr. Williamson laughed. "Hey Jewel. I'm leaving Earth soon. Want to join?"

"Are you crazy?! I ain't leaving Earth. You can go, but I'm staying here. Send a post card," she answered.

"Okay, I will, dear," Mr. Williamson said.

--------------------------------------------------

After I finished my job with Mr. Williamson, I went to see Jasper. Jasper was banging on the gigantic space ship he was building in his backyard. He was grunting and pounding the metal.

"Fuck you, Wynona! Even when you're dead, you're a pain in my ass! I can't delete evidence that you existed. Thirty-five years of torture! What a waste! Bullshit!" he screamed as he built his space ship.

Wynona was his wife for 35 years of agony. This was the same woman who sung "Where the fuck is the corn?" in Publix a year ago before a disgruntled mail carrier ran her over in her own living room. Many bad memories were revolved around her and her living room.

Murphee, Jasper's black lab, Irish setter, and chow mix, sung opera to alert Jasper of my coming. "Figaro Figaro Figaro! She is here, Jasper!"

"Thank you, Murphee," he said as he continued to beat the metal into submission. "Get the fuck on there, you piece of shit. I have to get the fuck out if here!"

"Hello Jasper," I said as I cracked up.

"Hey Xara. Can you hand me that drill? I can't get this screw into this hole. Always some bullshit," Jasper spoke.

I handed him the drill. "I appreciate this, Jasper," I said.

"Well, as much as I'd like to be myself, I figured I'd make some space bucks by having you and your friends come along. If it were just you and me, it would be free, but I know how much you like having other assholes around," he said before he drilled the screw into the metal.

"True. My life would feel empty if I weren't causing pain and suffering to others," I said as I observed Jasper building the chassis for the space ship.

"That's true," he said. "Your friends are fucked up. At least all I would have to deal with is your friends. Not the rest of assholes."

"My friends are the biggest assholes in the world. You're a complete asshole. Peter is a total asshole. Joebear has his asshole moments. Mr. Williamson can be an asshole at times. Ted and Jack are assholes, too," I said.

"Who the fuck are Ted and Jack?" he asked as he was playing blacksmith with one of the metal panels of the ship.

"An alligator and a crocodile, respectively," I said.

"What?! Why am I letting an alligator and a crocodile on my space ship?" Jasper asked with an exasperated sigh. "That's suicide!"

"Nah. They are civil to everyone except Peter," I said.

"Fuck Peter. Let them on for free!" Jasper said loudly.

Murphee walked over to us and started talking, "What? Dad! You can't let large reptilian beasts on our ship! That's ridiculous! We're trying to get away from dumb shit like that!" He growled.

"The hell I can't. If Peter is coming along, so are they!" Jasper said.

"Damn. I guess they are coming. I can't resist Peter's sexy smell. I don't know how Tug doesn't constantly hump his legs," Murphee said.

"At least I get to see Peter get tortured by swamp beasts," Jasper said.

"Always a pleasure to see," I said. 

Jasper laughed. "Any time Peter is being tormented, I'm a happy guy!" he said as he was building the ship and grinning widely.

All of a sudden, one of the parts of ship broke off into a million pieces.

He walked over and just stared at it. All of a sudden, he let out a blood-curdling scream.

I jumped back.

"I have to reorder the part! I have to reorder the part! Okay! Okay! Okay!" Jasper stared at the pieces with wide eyes and was hyper ventilating. "It was an expensive part, too."

I chuckled. "I'm sorry. I take it the venture off this planet will be delayed?" I asked.

"YES!!!!! It's always something!!!!" Jasper yelled. "You know what?! I'm going to go to my computer and order that part again. Then once I order the part, I am going to destroy my already rotting pool deck." Jasper had a frustrated grin on his face as he went to his computer.

We searched for the part online. Jasper kept saying, "Nope!" and shaking his head because he couldn't find the right part. Murphee barked and panted periodically. I pet Murphee and playbeat him.

While Jasper was saying "Nopenopenopenope!!!" and slamming his fist into the computer desk periodically, Murphee and I playfully wrestled.

When Jasper finally found the part, he said, "Son of a bitch! Only the Czech Republic makes these parts!!! I GUESS I'LL ORDER FROM THERE!!!!"

As he was ordering, he was saying, "Okay! Okay! Okay!' repeatedly.

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Two fucking weeks! I gotta wait two fucking weeks! Okay! Let's order this goddamn part!" he said as he ordered the part.

When he finished the order, he turned off his computer and had a frustrated smile plastered on his face. "I'm going to chop holes into my pool deck now so that I don't go on a murdering spree!" he announced.

"And I'll just do my job..." I said.

At that point, Jasper and I went our separate ways and were hoping we could get off this planet sooner than later.

[naturecoaster]

SunWest Park Adventures: Now & Then

When you have lived in a place for practically your whole life, it can be both fascinating and distressing to look around at all the changes that three and a half decades of development can bring to an area like Florida’s Nature Coast. I came to Spring Hill in 1986, when I was eleven. I entered sixth grade at Powell Middle School, back then an almost brand-new school. At that time, Mariner Boulevard terminated just south of Spring Hill Drive and was just a collection of dirt trails through the woods to County Line Road. There were two high schools, Springstead and Hernando, only one Publix, on Pinehurst Drive near Spring Hill Drive and U.S. 19, the Liberty Bell restaurant on Spring Hill Drive near Mariner Boulevard was Hernando County’s only 24-hour restaurant. Barely a weekend passed that didn’t see the fountain at the entrance of Spring Hill filled to overflowing with soap bubbles courtesy of some of the local kids. Things here have changed, as anyone who has grown old (er, middle-aged) in one place can tell you about their communities. Among the many interesting developments here in the Nature Coast region of Florida’s west coast is the transformation of an old lime rock mine in Hudson into a bathing beach and water park.

Barely a weekend passed in the mid-1980s that didn’t see the fountain at the entrance of Spring Hill filled to overflowing with soap bubbles courtesy of some of the local kids. Image by Diane Bedard.

SunWest Park's History

What was once known to locals as Sun West Mines is now The Beaches at SunWest Park, a seventy-acre water park on Old Dixie Highway in northwestern Pasco County. The Pasco County government acquired the land in a 2006 settlement reached with its original owner, Sun West Acquisition. Plans to develop the abandoned mine into a water park immediately began to take shape, and in 2011, the County leased the park land to a private enterprise, SunWest Park, Inc. The county was to retain ownership of the property, while SunWest Park, Inc. would provide all maintenance and amenities in exchange for all but three percent of its annual revenue. This was to be paid to Pasco County as rent.

The SunWest Park sign in 2015 with the iconic giant beach chair was located on US19. Image by Diane Bedard. SunWest Park opens in 2015 It took SunWest Park, Inc. a few years to get everything up to speed and the park officially opened in July of 2015. It is true there have been some hiccups in the management of the park. Unable to afford to adequately maintain the park due to shortfalls in projected revenue, SunWest, Inc. signed an amended agreement with Pasco County in August of 2018, returning to the county the responsibility of park maintenance in exchange for all revenue generated through parking fees. Nature, too, takes its annual toll on the park as sands that are unnatural to the perimeter of an abandoned lime rock mine erode when it rains and blow away when the wind picks up, requiring annual maintenance. Despite the few management hiccups and Mother Nature’s relentless churning, what exists today at SunWest Park provides local families with a fun place to spend the day and features a host of water park amenities.

If you are interested in simply lounging in the sands and soaking up the Florida sun, just pay $5.00 to park and set up your beach chairs on the sandy shore of the former mine, now an enclosed lake. Image by Barrett Hardy. If you are interested in simply lounging in the sands and soaking up the Florida sun, just pay $5.00 to park and set up your beach chairs on the sandy shore of the former mine, now an enclosed lake. A Fun Place to enjoy Water Park Amenities such as Kayaking, Paddleboarding, Wakeboarding, & even a Water Obstacle Course It may be, though, that your adventurous spirit requires more stimulation, and that is no problem. The Lift Adventure Park manages the many water amenities available at SunWest Park. Kayaks and paddleboards for those who want to explore the lake beyond the roped-off swimming area. Paddleboarding has been touted as an excellent exercise that uses almost every muscle in the body and improves balance. Kayaking provides good exercise and is a great watersport for beginners. The kayaks and paddleboards at SunWest Park are available to rent for $10.00 for forty-five-minute sessions. SunWest Park is also home to one of the largest inflatable floating obstacle courses in the world! Forty-five-minute sessions on the obstacle course are available for $15.00.

SunWest Park offers a cable driven wakeboarding activity through TheLift Adventure Park. Image by Diane Bedard. In addition to the paddleboarding, kayaks, and obstacle course, the park also offers a cable-stabilized wakeboarding course. With a system of cables designed to pull the rider across the surface of the aqua blue waters, there is no need for the waves one would find at any other beach. The course is designed to accommodate beginners and experienced alike. Two hour, four hour, and all-day sessions are available to purchase along with necessary equipment rental available at the park. Townhouse development may be in the future Pasco County wants to see further development of the property, building residential townhouses on a plot of land adjacent to the water park. Hopefully, park management and Pasco County officials can continue to generate revenue, making the use of the old mines by residents and vacationers feasible.

Magical memories of Sun West Mine While I cannot speak with certainty about the park’s future, its past, at least as it relates to me, is written in stone. Sometime in late June of 1994, a week or so after my nineteenth birthday, I set my alarm on a Friday night for 4:30 Saturday morning and set out my fishing gear. By 5:30 a.m., I had picked up three of my closest friends, and after stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts, (at that time, Dunkin' Donuts was in the building that now houses Greek City Café on U.S. 19) we headed south toward Hudson, racing the sunrise, and headed along the coast through Aripeka.

Norfleet's General Store is worth a visit to Aripeka any time, as is the old Post Office. Image by Diane Bedard. Along the way, we passed Norfleet’s General Store and the old Post Office building, which is not much bigger than a one room schoolhouse.

The Aripeka post office is tiny. Image by Diane Bedard. We made the turn on to Old Dixie Highway from the Aripeka Road and crept along the lime rock road in the dark, looking for the barely visible turnoff where we could park the car. We parked out of sight from the road, knowing that the cops would run us off if they stumbled upon us. Fishing gear and coffees in hand, we climbed the ten-foot lime rock berm meant to deter trespassers from entering the old mines and laid down our fishing poles and sat and drank coffee and made each other laugh.

Until 2007, a huge walking drag line from SunWest Mine was a landmark on US19. Images from kountrykabincrafts.com. Fishing or Swimming? As the sun rose, we baited our hooks, untangled the cast net none of us ever got good at using, and began our assault on the sheepshead fish which were coming to the edges of the abandoned mine to eat. After an hour or so of fishing, my buddy Jason asked, “Hey man, do you think you could swim across this thing?” I looked out across the old mine to the other side. It was at least 600 yards from the edge where we sat to the opposite side.

SunWest Mine before its conversion to a Pasco County Park, as it was when we swam across it. Image courtesy of Oceanus_1. I was nineteen. Immortal. “Of course I can. That’s nothing.” “OK then. Let’s do it”, he said. We jumped in and started across. The water was warm and dark blue under the morning sun. I can remember a sense of there being unknown fathoms of water beneath us as we made our way across the mine. I can also remember a feeling of triumph as we climbed out on the other side and began to walk back to where our more sensible friends waited for us. I’m too old now to know where kids today trespass for fun here in the Nature Coast area, but surely somewhere there is a group of friends sneaking into some forbidden garden making memories. Just as surely as they will in thirty or so years look back and remember their adventures fondly. Read the full article

[banjospring97-blog]

Why I Cooked Every Single Meal for 7 Days (Well, Almost)

In C'mon, It's Just 7 Days, members of the Food52 team share what it was like to take on a personal challenge for one week: skipping caffeine, going plastic-free, and more. (Spoiler alert: We all survived.)

2018 was the year I avoided exercise at all costs, got drinks with friends after work (like, a lot), and ate out multiple times a week (breakfast, lunch, and dinner). Not that I don’t believe we should be partaking in such pleasures—we absolutely should. But everything in moderation and all that, right?

It took staying in my high school bedroom over the holidays, sifting through yearbooks and looking at old photographs of myself, for me to realize that my adult life had been missing the kind of discipline I used to have when I was younger: Younger Me was Homecoming King and Principal Flutist in the county orchestra; Younger Me ate green things like avocados and ran track; Younger Me cooked for himself almost every. Single. Day. And it wasn't even his job.

This might sound ironic considering I’m a food editor now and write about how much comfort and pleasure cooking gives me. And of course it does, and I do a lot of it. But I certainly don't do it every day, for every meal—do you? When it comes down to it, I usually just boil an egg in the morning (if I'm not jamming my feet into my Converses, bolting out the door) and I almost always buy my lunch, or compose an elaborate meal out of snacks I've foraged opportunistically from the Food52 test kitchen. Sure, dinner leaves more room for the kind of slow, measured cooking and eating that bleeds into the night and gives me peace before bed, but even in that arena I could still use a bit more work. So, in an effort to take better care of myself this year, I've decided to do a couple of things: join a yoga studio, and cook more food.

First up? Agreeing to cook every single meal for seven whole days, as part of our C'mon, It's Just 7 Days team challenge. For this, I drew inspiration from David Tamarkin's Cook90 plan, where you cook yourself breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for 30 days with the idea in mind "that you cannot cook for 30 days straight and not come out a better, faster, healthier cook." I was most encouraged by the "better," and the notion that this kind of cooking would make me more skilled in the kitchen. But...30 days is a lot. So I decided to try seven days first.

Here's how it went:

Day One: Monday

It's New Year's Eve. I feel way on top of it because, according to Tamarkin, nearly 200,000 people are starting the Cook90 challenge...tomorrow. And I've got a 24-hour head start. When I wake up in the morning, I usually can't stomach a full breakfast, so I always have a single six-minute boiled egg with Magic Spice and a cup of coffee, which is what I do today. For lunch, Mom and I make kimchi fried rice together. For dinner, I invite my cousins over for an evening of appetizers: nori deviled eggs, shrimp cocktail, and cheesy breakfast sausage pinwheels.

Favorite Meal of the Day: The kimchi fried rice (duh). How’d I Do?: A+ (wow, the sausage pinwheels were incredible; I'm the best).

Day Two: Tuesday

New Year's Day. I feel encouraged by yesterday's success (this is going to be a walk in the park). Of course, I have another boiled egg this morning and go about my day. Mom, Dad, and my brother Kevin are all super busy tonight, so we decide to meet back at the house for lunch. Guess who's cooking? I make a simple rigatoni alla vodka with some leftover sausage from last night—it's so creamy and comforting. My mom says it's the best pasta she's ever had (she always says this about anything new I cook her). To go with, a huge composed Italian-style salad with a homemade garlicky, oregano-scented vinaigrette, plus Texas toast. Dinner is just me, so I make the cover recipe from Cook90: sweet potatoes with chorizo, mushrooms, and lime cream. (It's so. Good.)

Favorite Meal of the Day: The sweet potaters. How’d I Do?: A (I feel kind of guilty about my lazy breakfasts; does boiling an egg really count?).

Day Three: Wednesday

My mom just bought an army of raw, fresh crabs for one of my favorite Korean dishes ever: gaejang (or soy sauce–marinated crabs). I help her make the marinade, which is just water, soy, sugar, jalapeños, and onions that we bring to a boil, cool slightly, then pour over the crabs. We can't eat these until tomorrow (but I think this counts as cooking). Lunch is leftover kimchi fried rice with a bunch of banchan from the fridge (this doesn't count as cooking). I have to rush out to pick up my boyfriend Scott from the airport. Tamarkin says you're allowed to cheat for three of the 90 meals, so we decide to get ramen for dinner at Ton Ton in Ponce City Market (the tonkotsu is my favorite bowl of noodles in America, so I only feel a little guilty).

Favorite Meal of the Day: The ramen! It fed my soul! How’d I Do?: C- (the only thing I cooked today was an egg in the morning and the crabs, which wasn't one of my three meals).

Day Four: Thursday

A little discouraged from yesterday—but hey, life happens. I skip breakfast because I sleep in, but wake up at noon to my uncle's loud, booming voice downstairs: He's brought us some wagyu steaks from Costco. I cook one in a skillet, carve it, and have it with white rice. It's so fatty, almost too fatty, so I take the steak pieces back to the pan to render more of their fat. Much better. It melts in my mouth. Oh! And the crabs are ready. Their sweet-salty flesh is like ceviche, only softer in taste and texture, and the soy flavor tastes incredible with the rice. Utterly addictive (my friend Irene says her grandmother calls gaejang "rice killer" because it makes you want to keep eating more and more rice). For dinner, I drive over to Scott's and we make Urvashi Pitre's Instant Pot Butter Chicken.

Favorite Meal of the Day: Gaejang. How’d I Do?: B+ (missed a meal, but cooked two other times; plus, reaped the fruits of our crab labor yesterday).

Soy crabs, 24 hours later.

Day Five: Friday

Breakfast is white rice with fried eggs, soy sauce, and sesame oil. For lunch, I want to show my mom how to use the new Instant Pot I bought her for Christmas, so we attempt my beef stroganoff recipe (originally intended for a slow cooker), stupidly don't change a thing, and end up with a mess. The beef and mushrooms produce way too much liquid for the pot, so beefy soup spews out of the pressure release valve and ruins the kitchen. It tastes fine, but we feel dumb. For dinner, I go over to Scott's again and we reheat a frozen pizza from Publix; dessert is an Asian pear galette that I ate happily (but didn't help make).

Favorite Meal of the Day: Our Publix dinner. How’d I Do?: B- (reheating a pizza, according to Tamarkin, doesn't count as cooking, and I didn't make the gorgeous galette).

Hello, gorgeous.

Day Six: Saturday

It's my last day in Atlanta. I decide that going to one of my favorite lunch places on Buford Highway with my parents is worth it. I want to treat my family for dinner, so I cook them a Sunday roast with Yorkshire puddings; Nigella's minty pea and avocado salad; my warm eggplant and mint salad; and these clementine chocolate lava cakes. My brother is in charge of the dessert and he forgets the olive oil, so they come out more lava than cake. -_- My parents appreciate all the vegetables, because they love vegetables. (Am I really related to these people?)

Favorite Meal of the Day: The last supper. How’d I Do?: C+ (I may have only cooked once, but I cooked A LOT).

Rise, my children, RISE!

Day Seven: Sunday

Today I'm on the road with my dog for 13 hours, driving from Atlanta back to New York. I didn't cook anything in advance or pack myself breakfast or lunch, so I eat a few clementines when I stop for gas and later scarf down a drive-through chicken sandwich with French fries. (Have I failed you, C'mon It's Just 7 Days challenge?) Even though I should be exhausted, I come home to my Manhattan apartment and feel inspired to cook again—finally, in my own kitchen for a change. I take a giant sheet pan, roast a whole chopped head of cauliflower, plus Italian sausage, red onion, and fennel seed, and toss this with some cooked fusilli and a huge smattering of freshly grated Parmesan. It really hits the spot, as does a glass of the single-malt Scotch that Scott gave me for Christmas. And, belly full and seven days of cooking under my belt, I lay me down to sleep.

Favorite Meal of the Day: The Scotch. How’d I Do?: C (I didn't totally fail today...right?).

Cooking every meal, every day was a lot harder than I thought it'd be. I figured, "Hey, as long as I do this after the holidays, after all the family reunions and parties, then it should be fine." But I still found myself needing breaks and wanting to just go out for a meal instead of cooking it from scratch. And don't even get me started on breakfast! I had to force myself to wake up early enough to have breakfast at all.

Still, I appreciated the exercise and caught myself occasionally noticing the act of my cooking that much more: every stir of the pot, every cracked egg, every little movement in the kitchen that fed my soul and gave me peace. I even caught myself thinking, "I forgot how much I love this." In this way, like Tamarkin said, I do believe the seven days of mindfulness actually made me a better cook—or at least a more thoughtful one. But the thing I loved most was that, at the end of the day, this kind of cooking wasn't about anything other than feeding my family and myself, a challenge primarily for sustenance.

As Nigella Lawson writes in Simply Nigella, "If cooking isn't hinged on necessity, it loses its context, and purpose. I cook to give pleasure, to myself and others, but first it is about sustaining life, and only then about forging a life." So, I've started to make good on at least one of my New Year's resolutions—and just as soon as I can find an inspiring Nigella quote about joining a yoga studio, then I'll be on my way with the next.

How often do you cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Let us know in the comments below.

Source: https://food52.com/blog/23626-meal-prep-every-breakfast-lunch-dinner-planner-cook90

[queennicoleinboots]

Chapter 9 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium: What the Fuck? They Disappeared. (Joebear POV)

As I was driving, my wife called me. “BAEBAE!!!!” I shouted in excitement.

“BAEBAE! So, I called Lorraine Black to tell her you were on the way… and somehow her number got disconnected. I tried calling her cell phone number, and that number is no longer in service. What the fuck?” she asked.

“What the fuck?” I asked.

“She literally called me this morning. And all of a sudden, her lines are disconnected. Something fishy is going on,” she said.

“It sounds like it. I’ll check it out. You did give me the address, so maybe she is still there,” I said.

“Thank you, bae. I’m really worried. It’s just weird. Like, how does your number get disconnected within a few hours?” she asked. A cat meowed in the background.

“I don’t know, bae. That is really fucked-up and fishy… you said your radio was no longer working. Is there a cat in the car with you?” I asked her.

“Yes. Her name is Patches. She’s Lindsay’s cat. She found me at Publix and has been in the car with me since,” she said. Patches meowed in the background to confirm her existence.

“Awwww… that’s precious. You’re taking a cat to work with you. Do you remember when you took me to work on that fucked-up road?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Oh yes. That day was stupid. That was the same day I was trying to authorize a name change to my cleaning business and trying to put up with Peter being an ape all in the same day. He got electrocuted the day before. It was fucking hilarious,” she said as she laughed.

“There were pterodactyls on the road trying to get your coffee through the windshield. We listened to DarthSydePhineas’s nerd rap for the whole hour we were on the road. That was fucked up,” I said as I started laughing.

She and Patches were cracking up. “Yeah. You and Peter then became two-dimensional and started playing Rampage together while I had to clean in order for us to make money,” she said.

I was hyperventilating as I laughed. “Oh GOD BAE, YEAH! THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED. We made it to level 333 before you finished, too,” I said. Rampage was an arcade game in the 1980s in which King Kong, Godzilla, and Raphael were on a rampage destroying buildings and people because they were pissed off at the establishment. Peter was King Kong because he was an ape who went through electric shock therapy, and because I am a bear, I was Raphael. My wife would have been Godzilla, but she was stuck at a cleaning job.

“Yeah. That was insane. Anyway, speaking of cleaning, Patches and I have to put up with Peter’s stupid bullshit. I love you, Baewhuhh. Give me a report when you can,” she said.

“All right, baby, I love you,” I said.

Patches meowed loudly before the line disconnected. Holy crap, cat. You have some lungs on you.

I am still driving around Statham, GA and trying to find out where the fuck Lorraine Black is. There is so much bullshit here that I cannot determine what’s what. Apparently, the Black family had a fortress of just THINGS on their property. I had to enter a wooden gate that lead into the woods. It was insane. I felt like I was in Pan’s Labyrinth as I drove around their property. I even saw a gremlin running around in the trees.  

About an hour after I drove around some more, I could not find them. I got out of my car and wandered up to the wooden cottage which is where they lived. I knocked on the door, and it opened. I walked in, but what I found wasn’t typical. A small yet fat black dog was taking a leak in the middle of the kitchen floor. A few seconds after I looked around and saw clay bottles on shelves that covered the entire living room wall, a blonde yorkie was barking at my heels.

“Awaw. Hey gorgeous,” I said as I leaned down to pet her.

The black dog rushed over and started growling at me.

“Oh God, BearBear, do you always have to attack EVERYTHING that comes in this house?” the yorkie asked the black dog. Her name was BearBear? I heard about BearBear from Xara. BearBear apparently did not like Xara. BearBear sounded fucked up.

“Yes. Duh. I’m a guard dog. That’s what I do,” BearBear said.

A slightly larger black dog with long red streaks burst out of the hallway and barked. “Actually, BearBear. I’m technically the guard dog, but I was using the bathroom. Excuse me for leaving post for five minutes. I’ve been watching this fucking house all day, and the FIVE MINUTES I LEAVE, SOMEONE SHOWS UP!” she spoke.

“That’s your luck, Ruby,” the blonde yorkie spoke with a bark.

“At least Ruby is a guard dog. You let every Tom, Dick, and Harry in here and assume they are friends. In case you haven’t noticed, you dumb blonde, the humans of the house have been randomly been abducted by aliens… all because you had to sit and answer every question those Men in Black asked while they sat at the front door. I told you not to fuck with them, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!” BearBear shouted as she started swearing and barking.

“Yes, Blondie. We blame you for what happened with the humans!” A large husky/bulldog mix female dog spoke as she slowly and threateningly entered the door.

“Oh bullshit. It’s not ALL Blondie’s fault that the Men in Black took the humans away. Where the fuck were you when all of this was happening?” Ruby asked as she charged the husky/bulldog mix.

The husky/bulldog mix pressed her front left paw down on Ruby’s neck and stared at her. “I was in detainment via the orders of the Veterans Administration. I JUST CAME BACK FROM THERE. I ESCAPED AND DAMN NEAR LOST MY LIFE!” she growled.

“For the love of God, what the fuck is wrong with everyone?!” Blondie screamed. “And where are your manners? There is a nice young man here who is obviously confused as to what the fuck is happening here.”

I just stared with my wide brown eyes at the four talking dogs and nodded. “Yes. I am VERY confused. And I thought that big dog was going to eat me,” I said.

“Oh Baby! Please. The only thing she is harmful against is Ruby,” Blondie said with a laugh.

Ruby was losing air.

Baby released her paw from Ruby’s neck. Ruby slowly got up and gasped for air. “Sorry, but I’ve had a really bad day, and I am nothing to fuck with,” she spoke.

“I can see that,” I said. “If you don’t mind, can you clarify that the humans of this house have the last name of ‘Black’?”

“Yes!” BearBear spoke. “I am BearBear Black. I will be addressed as BearBear Black from now on, or that mother fucker will be eaten alive by my mouth!” She barked to prove her point and proudly stuck out her chest and bared her teeth.

“I am Blondie Black. It’s a super cool name!” Blondie Black spoke as she actually smiled. “Now good bear, please pick me up.”

I picked her up. She whined and nuzzled my fur.

“I notice that you have three cats and smell a lot like Xara. Xara is super sweet and cool. She loves the hell out of me,” Blondie Black said with excitement.

“I’m Ruby Black,” the slightly larger black dog with extremely long hair said as she rubbed against my leg. She even batted her eyelashes at me. Apparently, she was the horny dog of the family. Everyone has THAT animal. “Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”

“Oooh. Oooh. I can answer this! He is Joebear. Xara talks about him all the time. She loves him dearly!” Blondie Black spoke.

“You are correct, Blondie,” I said as I continued to hold this sweet dog. I was petting her beautiful, small blonde head. She was a beautiful baby.

“Nice to meet you, Joebear. I am Baby Black, but not Baby Black Ribs. Caitlyn Black, the young human of the family, used to sing the song “Baby Black Ribs” to me, and I found it quite infuriating. I thought about turning her into food a couple of times over her singing that stupid song to me,” the husky/bulldog mix growled as she spoke.

“Anyhow, now that introductions are over, I will try to explain what happened to the Black family and why they disappeared. And no, it is nothing to do with those god-forsaken Black Lives Matter protests that don’t seem to stop no matter what anyone does. It actually concerns the Veterans Administration and how Tim Black, the man of the house, was trapped there for military experiments. Lorraine Black, his wife, who actually had darker skin than the rest of them, revealed to your wife a very small amount of what was going on, and to cover their tracks, the Veterans Administration ordered the Men in Black to come to this door and basically order aliens to abduct the human Blacks from the Earth. DO I SOUND CRAZY?!” BearBear Black asked while barking.

“Actually, no. That is the least crazy thing I have heard all day to tell you the truth. There are aliens, but if doesn’t follow the narrative, you are labelled as crazy. Gotta love that American logic. So stupid,” I said. “So what do I tell my wife?”

“Are you having this conversation in person?” BearBear Black asked me.

“Later on, but what should I say over the phone to my wife? She is anxiously waiting to hear about the Blacks. She called them literally two hours ago and realized that their numbers were disconnected, even if she spoke with them even two hours earlier than that,” I said.

“You are correct, Joebear. She called Xara literally four hours ago,” Blondie Black said as she licked my lips.

“Hey!” I shouted as I moved her away from my lips. “That’s too much.”

“Sorry! I got excited,” Blondie Black said.

Ruby Black rubbed against my leg. “May I lick your lips?”

“No, Ruby. That’s for my wife only,” I said.

Ruby Black laid next to my left foot and looked right up at me with her dark blue eyes. “She doesn’t have to know. Besides, I’m a dog. Dogs always have free reign when it comes to that stuff. It isn’t considered cheating.”

“I’m not into licking the lips of other animals. Maybe kissing, but nothing inside the mouth. That’s gross,” I said.

Ruby Black kissed my leg. “Fair enough,” she said.

“Yes. You do have a wife. And she needs a story. So let’s tell her one so that we can all cope with this shit,” BearBear Black spoke with authority before she took a deep breath. “The story is that the Blacks were taken to jail for indecent exposure. They actually are nudists, and the police are everywhere, especially with this whole Coronavirus shit. Is it true that everyone is sick with the Coronavirus?”

“Oh Lord no! That’s a hoax,” I said. “It actually has everything to do with that 5G tower that is so wonderfully placed in the middle of the town square.”

“I knew it! That whole narrative of everyone getting sick makes no sense. If that were true, then why were none of the Blacks sick? Lorraine and Caitlyn Black went out as often as they could. Caitlyn Black was deathly afraid of COVID-19 and wore a N-95 mask, but Lorraine was not. She wore face shields to mock this whole Coronavirus pandemic bullshit. Tim Black was logically explaining why a pandemic of this caliber wasn’t making sense. He basically said that if the narrative were true, then there would be people dying in the streets by now. Obviously, that’s not the case. But at any rate, according to OUR narrative, the Blacks were taken into custody. Now as for the phones being disconnected, the Veterans Administration probably pulled rank and ordered the phone companies to disconnect their numbers toot sweet. Does that make sense?” BearBear Black asked.

“I could believe it, but isn’t nudity technically legal if it is on private property?” I asked.

“Not if it is not contained in four walls,” BearBear Black answered. “They also had a toilet in the middle of the backyard for no apparent reason. HURRRRR.”

“That toilet was broken, and Lorraine Black didn’t get the chance to take it to the dump,” Ruby Black spoke.

Baby Black barked to affirm Ruby Black’s claim.

“DURRRR! OH yeah! That makes so much sense. Oh no! She should have taken care of that toot sweet! Those damn Men in Black think of everything!” BearBear Black shouted. “Naked bodies! HUH DUH DUH! So offended! Nudity is so evil. Sex is sooooo bad. The penis is the tool of Satan. Help me. I see a penis. The world is ending right before our eyes! Ughhhhhhh! Someone please blow up this country already. It’s completely fucked and has no values. It hasn’t had values since the 1950s. No other country could give two fucks less about nudity, but here the great United States of America is sooooo concerned about it. For fuck’s sake, in Europe, the whole family goes to the beach naked, and no one gives a fuck. Oh no. Nudity is always sexual. Give me a break, and get a clue, America. This country cares about REALLY stupid shit. They should be concerned about funding for education, animal safety, and healthcare. In America, these systems are fucked. That is why we have sick, stupid people running rampant in the country, and I don’t just mean by the Coronavirus. Apparently, the Coronavirus is the only sickness anyone cares about? What about diabetes? Lupus? Leukemia? Tuberculosis? Apparently, we forgot about THOSE things! We are probably the DUMBEST developed country in all of the world. No one in the United Nations takes us seriously. We’re the laughing stock of the entire world, and we don’t even realize it. Healthcare… ugh… don’t get me started.”

I looked at BearBear Black in shock. Finally, an animal that gets exactly what is wrong with this country. Those are the things I thought about two years ago as I was saving Xara’s uncle from the same organization that was responsible for the disappearance of the Black family. I swear all of our tax money is going to the prisons and institutions to ENSLAVE us. Wake the fuck up, people!

BearBear Black and I had a long conversation about what was wrong with the Divided States of America and what we thought the future of this country would be. We both mentioned a Zombie Apocalypse, underground societies, the Mark of the Beast, androids walking around, and of course Hell unleashing on Earth. Apparently, the Blacks were a Christian family. I obviously avoided racial and political discussions with the Black dogs because I would be eaten alive if those conversations went incorrectly.

“I have to pee,” said Blondie Black. Yes, I held her for a long period of time.

“Again? You just went not too long ago,” BearBear Black said.

“Well, when you have a small bladder, you have to pee on a constant basis,” Blondie Black explained.

I set Blondie Black down. Ruby Black stood on her rear legs and pawed at my knees. Her eyes told me to pick her up. I did.

“You are a beautiful dog,” I said as I held her tenderly.

“Thank you. May I come home with you?” Ruby Black asked as she nuzzled me.

“You can’t. Sorry. I live in a thousand square foot apartment (1000 sq.ft.) with three cats and Xara. It wouldn’t work out, but there are plenty of resources out there in these woods to provide for you,” I said politely.

“I am aware. I just need a man to hold me,” Ruby Black said.

“Oh for the love of God!” BearBear Black shouted. “There are more important things going on than SEX right now!”

“I’m peeing I’m peeing I’m peeing I’m peeing!” Blondie Black shouted as she peed in the middle of the kitchen floor much like BearBear Black did an hour or so ago.

“Like Blondie Black peeing in the middle of the kitchen floor?” Ruby Black asked BearBear Black as she was in my arms. I was petting her back.

“PRECISELY!” BearBear Black stated with authority as she stared at Ruby Black with her dark blue eyes.

“Makes sense. We have to mark our territory as to not allow other dogs to trespass upon us,” Ruby Black said.

Coyotes howled in the distance.

“I don’t mean to be disrespectful, great Joebear, but you must leave if you plan to make it out alive,” Baby Black spoke. “Coyotes are upon us. I will escort you to your vehicle.”

Ruby Black jumped out of my arms. “I WILL ASSIST!” she yelled as she led me out to the Nissan Versa.

Baby and Ruby Black guarded me as they watched me enter my vehicle.

“Thank you for everything,” I said to the ladies before my car failed to start. Gotta love this cheap POS car. Serves me right for renting from Budget Car Rentals. Nice timing on the car fucking up. Ugghhh!! “Oh what the fuck?” I asked as I slammed my fists in the steering wheel. I accidentally honked my horn. “Oh shit. Ughhh! Why did I do that? Braindead.”

“Are you kidding me? You are leading them right to us!” Baby Black said with a low growl.

“Is there something wrong with your car?” Ruby Black asked out of concern.

“Yeah, the car isn’t starting,” I said.

“Shit! If Tim Black were here, he would have helped us!” Ruby Black said as tears were forming in her eyes.

Baby Black was pissing all over the sides of the car. Piss was streaming down the front passenger door. All of a sudden, she let out a chorus of farts that would have impressed the Transyberian Orchestra with both the range of sounds and SMELLS.

“Get the fuck out of the car!” Ruby Black yelled.

“Umm… okay,” I said as I got out of the car.

“Get back in the house NOW!” Baby Black shouted. “They are coming. I must fend them off!” She growled to a pack of four of them that were lurking upon us.

Uck. I coughed. Baby Black’s farts were strong in the air. Man. What the fuck did she eat?

As soon as I coughed, the coyotes high-tailed it out of there, and another severe thunderstorm poured buckets out of the sky. A wall of water surrounding us just suddenly appeared! The winds were blowing in every direction, so all three of us looked like drowned rats. Really?! Of course. My fuck luck.