#but her time in sh she sees as a dream. it was less a punishment and more a self discovey thing

[superhero--imagines]

Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! / Part 5 Here! / Part 6 Here! / Part 7 Here! / Part 8 Here! / Part 9 Here! / Part 10 Here!

A/N: I apologize for all the profanity in this part ahead of time. I think I’m going to do M/W/Sat updates, as long as my writing permits, and then maybe Wed/Sat updates. I got the day off because it snowed so I thought I would post this since it’s ready haha

* Well you’re royally f*cked

* There’s a big stupid smile curled on your face, and every time you try to hide it, it just comes back wider

* You really shouldn’t be happy right now

* “What has you in such a good mood?” Edward’s got a matching smile of his own.

* Oh shit. It’s fine, you’ll just play dumb.

* “How do you know I’m happy?” How about the dumb grin you’ve got on your face you stupid b*tch.

* You would have smacked your own forehead if you weren’t aware Edward was watching your every move

* You’re lucky Edward’s nice and he doesn’t call you out on it

* “Whenever you’re happy it kind of radiates off of you,” his voice lowers “you know because of your powers”

* Ah, you didn’t know you did that

* “So what do you think about the new girl?” You blurt it out like it’s an intrusive thought

* F*ck. Just-okay just play it cool. Play it cool.

* F********ckkkkk what’s wrong with you.

* Is being happy making you act like a moron?

* He shrugs

* “Just another human, I kind of wish everyone would shut up about it though. Having to hear people talk about her and think about her is getting annoying. It’s like being in a tunnel with one too many echoes.”

* Ah, so he hasn’t noticed yet.

* “I wonder what she’s thinking about.”

* Edward just shrugs again.

* What the f*ck Edward take a hint!

* “Edward?”

* “Yes dear?” He has the nerve to grin after using that pet name. The criminal is teasing you. Some best friend.

* And still it makes you outrageously happy

* You have to force your smile into a straight line

* “What’s the new girl thinking?”

* He looks over to her, Tyler and Mike are fighting for her attention, both of them a moment away from tugging on each arm and shouting “mine!”

* You see him search, you’ve heard enough about his powers to know right now it’s like mall food court level of chatter for him, but in a few seconds he’ll focus on her and realize he can’t hear her thoughts.

* Knowing how prideful he is though, he’ll probably deny it.

* “I don’t know I can’t read her mind” he says bluntly. “Do you think the school music teacher would teach me how to play violin if I asked?”

* “What?!?”

* “I know it’s kind of inconsiderate to ask but-“ you click your tongue

* “No not that!” You gesture towards Bella “you can’t read her mind?!? Isn’t that kind of a big deal?”

* His eyebrows thread together

* “I can’t read your mind either”

* Yes but you’re from a completely different world, in a body that radiates despair (and apparently joy now). You’re basically like some type of eldritch being from another dimension. 

* Edward doesn’t see it that though

* “Honestly it’s a relief, one less mind I have to tune out.” He walks ahead of you as you stay motionless in the middle of the hallway

* What the f*ck is happening?

* “Are you coming? We’re going to be late for Biology if you keep lagging behind like that.”

* How could you forget? The whole story starts because Edward is super into Bella’s blood! He fantasizes killing her for like- the entire class period.

* You were worried for nothing, just because they didn’t have the cafeteria moment isn’t that big of a deal

* The thought makes you both relieved and a little sad

* Still it’s for the best, this is the way things are supposed to be

* And who knows, if you have to leave maybe you can poach Rosalie and Emmett to leave with you

* And maybe Jasper, he won’t like having a human around the house all the time

* “Mr. Cullen, Ms. Eleazar” Mr. Banner hands you each a worksheet.

* Oh right the onion cell worksheet. Ah right the mitosis crap. Well hopefully Mike remembers enough that you both can hobble through

* “New year means new seating arrangement!” He tells you both excitedly. The seating arrangements on the projector.

* “Why am I next to Edward isn’t the seating arrangement supposed to be alphabetical?”

* “I decided to go by grade this time, you should be happy! Aren’t you two...friends?” You can tell your teacher is confused by the nature of your relationship, almost as much as you are. 

* “Super happy Teach.” You mumble taking your seat next to Edward who’s grinning like an idiot

* “You can’t say he’s picking favorites when it’s merit based.” He grins and you roll your eyes

* Angela’s sitting next to Ben Cheney, they seem to be discussing the trigonometry homework, and how it’s basically impossible

* Oh right, he’s supposed to be her boyfriend this year. 

* Personally you think Angela could do way better. But love is blind, you’ll ship it if you have to. 

* And right on cue Mike walks in, Bella following close behind. He takes his seat on the table behind you while Bella talks to Mr. Barnes

* “Why didn’t you guys sit with us at lunch today?” Mike is practically leaned over the entire width of the table.

* Before you can say anything Edward snorts

* “Because (Y/N) was getting lectured for staying out all night again”

* Mike looks like his eyes might pop out of his head

* “W-what? Out all night?! Without inviting me!” You roll your eyes.

* “He’s making it more dramatic, I went out for a run early in the morning because I couldn’t sleep and everyone was freaking out because they thought I got kidnapped.”

* Like any vampire or human stood a chance against you and your violent mood swings

* Mike’s so caught up in lecturing you about how you need to be more careful

* “There’s a lot of weirdos out there!” Yeah you live with them

* That he doesn’t even notice Bella’s taken a seat next to him

* Now that you get a better look at her, she is kinda pretty. She’s the kind of person who probably always looks good in photographs, no matter what the angle. Nice cheekbones and big brown eyes. Modest on boobs and butt, but she’s skinny so it works for her.

* “Hey, you’re Bella right?” You give her your friendliest smile, and you don’t miss the light blush that blooms on her face.

* You’re not sure whether it’s from your beauty or because she’s just not used to so much attention. She just nods.

* “Have you already seen the three whole things there are to do in Town on a Friday night?”

* Bella actually laughs at that. She’s got dimples, and little wrinkles that show up at the corner of her eyes. It’s cute.

* “One of those things is going to the library, so really it’s only two things.”

* She giggles again.

* “Is the other one going over to your house to play monopoly?” Mike asks, a grin arching onto his face

* “No my house is out of town, the other thing is to go to the school football game”

* “I’m not really a big fan of football” Bella hesitantly says, and Mike and Edward laugh

* “Yeah no one here does, everyone goes for the half time show, or just to hang out.” 

* You’re pretty sure your entire friend group only goes to the games to see your cheer routine, especially this year since you’re captain now. The first junior captain in a long time apparently. The news actually made the local newspaper.

* Everything is going good, and you’re starting to think maybe you and Bella might be friends.

* “Why don’t we have a board game night at our house again? Last time was-“

* You stop sentence, you were having so much fun you almost forgot why Edward was so obsessed with Bella.

* The slight breeze from the air conditioning brings her scent to you.

* You cover your mouth and nose with your hand

* Her scent is REVOLTING

* “(Y/N), are you okay?” Mike asks

* You vaguely feel Edward’s hand on your shoulder, has he not caught her scent yet?

* It’s pretty hard to miss

* Like gym socks, with a overly sweet base, it’s like-

* Your head snaps up, and your hand clamps over your mouth and nose even harder, but not because the scent is revolting

* She smells like cheese, perfectly aged Gorgonzola cheese, or maybe Brie?

* You smell the sweeter undercurrent stronger now, it’s like warm juicy peaches

* Roasted peach salad tossed with Gorgonzola and olive oil

* How many times have you dreamed about eating that while basking in the warm sunlight

* “I knew you shouldn’t have eaten those leftovers at lunch,” Edward says, but you know it’s performative, thank god he’s still got some sense after smelling her.

* “Mr.Banner, I think (Y/N) ate something bad, is it alright if I help them to the nurses office?”

* “Yes and hurry!” He’s practically shooing you out as Edward pulls you by the arm

* Nooooo, you wanna smell her moreeee

* You have the sense to not wine and keep your mouth covered.

* Edward doesn’t take you to the nurse, you both don’t stop walking until you’re at the parking lot

* “What the hell was that?” He asks, it’s the first time he’s seemed even remotely angry with you

* He seems more confused then angry though, you’re so shocked you actually sit down on the curb.

* And after a moment of hesitance Edward sits beside you, placing his hand over your own

* “She smells good Edward, like really good.”

* Edward laughs

* “Yeah I gathered that” he shakes his head. “I thought you were supposed to be a picky eater”

* “I aaaaamm” you moan, your head is cradled in your left hand. “She’s like one in a million”

* “You’re one in a million” you lift your head to see Edward looking at you with that stupid sh*t eating grin.

* “Really Edward my life is falling apart because I want to eat someone, and you think the appropriate response is to flirt?”

* To be fair, he’s always flirting, it’s basically apart of his personality at this point

* “You’re being melodramatic.” He chuckles and throws an arm over your shoulder. “Worst case scenario you kill her, Carlisle doles out his funeral punishment-don’t ask, and then we have to start over as freshman again somewhere else.”

* You groan, you finally worked your way up to a junior, you were just starting to get used to this crappy town, you don’t wanna start all over again in a new one

* “What’s the best case scenario?”

* Edward thinks hard for a minute.

* “Best case scenario...the music teacher agrees to teach me how to play the violin and I impress you with my magnificent playing.” You smack him on the arm.

* “Not the best case scenario for you!” You know he’s doing it on purpose. He just wants to make you laugh

* It works, you do laugh. How much more absurd could this situation get?

* “Everything’s going to be fine, if Jasper can handle having to smell 300 students he thinks smell good, you can handle 1.” 

* He’s got a point

* “Wait-didn’t she smell good to you?” Wasn’t that like, the whole d*mn point?

* His eyebrows thread together and he shrugs

* “Um, she smelled alright, no better or worse than the others. I’m not sure what you smelled-“

* What you smelled? The rich but refreshing flavor profile is sublime

* The f*cking heathen doesn’t even know what he’s missing

* “But to me she smelled like peaches”

* Well he kinda knows what he’s missing

* “She’s definitely anemic though, there’s a sever lack of iron in her scent” ah that must be that cheesy smell you’re getting

* Well ain’t this ironic. The girl who’s going to steal your best friend is only getting noticed because of you.

* “I don’t know, personally I prefer Henrietta the 3rds blood, but that’s just me” he’s lying, your blood is good and all, but it’s definitely still not on par with a humans blood

* He’s just trying to make you feel better.

* He rubs your shoulder, before patting it and moving to stand up.

* “Now come on, we have to make you eat some human food so you can throw up in front of the nurse and she lets us leave school early”

* You roll your eyes, anything to leave school early huh?

* “Yeah all right, lead the way Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Brooding”

* “Why do you always say that? I don’t brood that much anymore!”

* “You know how some people have resting b*tch face? You have resting brood face.”

* “Says the person who literally radiates despair” you shove him as you both walk towards the vending machine

* You take a deep breath as you watch Edward fumble with the vending machine

* The dork literally sticks a credit card up to the glass and demands the machine give him chips. 

* (Y/N/N) why isn’t this working? Am I supposed to insert my card through this slot?” 

* You laugh. You’re pretty sure he’s not doing this on purpose.

* “You’re supposed to use cash Edward.”

* You watch as he fumbles with his wallet muttering:

* “Do you think it’ll take a twenty dollar bill?”

* You watch in amusement as Edward tries - and fails- to use a twenty dollar bill, and then proceed to use obscure profanities to curse “this vile wretch of human technological advancement” 

* You feel a sigh of relief escape you.

* Yeah, everything is going to be fine. 

Tags:  @moonlights27 @thebluetint @the100thtwilight @awesomebooklover17 @oneofthepotterheads @smileygirl08 @imdoingathingmom @iconicgguk @yrawn @alyciaswhore @little-horror-show @wicked-watering-can @lazydreamers @xxxmuxxx @puritanicalhypocrite

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Heroine (Kei AU)

@nomouth-kei

The video recording had just started and ‘Angela’ was already crying. She was in a pale blue sweater dress with sleeves too long for her arms. The cuffs turned dark as they soaked up her tears.

“Why are you crying Angela?” Toyama’s voice came from offscreen.

“Because... I had a dream that... that I went to hell...” She whimpered, barely intelligible.

“It was just a dream...”

“I know... but...”

He handed her a tissue, his arm appearing in the frame. “But what?”

“I can’t go to heaven. B...because... I killed those people.” She looked down at her hands, trembling.

“You weren’t in your right mind. You said so yourself. They made you drink it...”

“No, I drank it.” She shook her head.

“They tricked you though, didn’t they?”

“Not really.” She shook her head again.

A pause. “You really believe this is your fault?”

Angela nodded.

“But you’re sorry. You’re very remorseful.”

“It doesn’t matter.” She grumbled.

“Why not?”

“B...because I... I did it on purpose.”

Silence. “What do you mean ‘I did it on purpose’?”

“I hit them... so they would die. If they tried to escape... I chased after them. I did it on purpose.” She’d stopped crying, eyes on the floor. “I’m going to hell.”

The video feed cut. Anjou rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Welcome to the world of dragons...”

“She grew up in the world of humans where these sort of actions carry the highest penalty by society. You can hardly blame her for feeling this way, after all, outside of military action, what she describes as doing are crimes. So she feels guilty.” Toyama looked up from reviewing his notes.

Anjou tapped the cigar into the ashtray. “We have to get her to understand that we need that sort of ruthless spirit in our ranks.” His eyes shifted. “Do you have any suggestions Caesar?”

Caesar tilted his head back, eyes rolling. “Is it really that difficult? Get her to do it again! My only regret about this whole situation is I didn’t get to see it. If she’s truly as amazingly violent as she believes she is, she’s an asset to the Student Union. We should frame it less like what she believes is wrong and more like what she believes is right and craft it to appeal to the basest of her instincts.”

“Are you trying to get her to hate herself?” Toyama's head jerked up from his clipboard, his eyeglasses going askew with the sudden motion.

“I’m trying to get her to accept herself.” Caesar’s eyes narrowed in a devilish grin. “I’m a little jealous.  I rarely get to go all out in a fight. I always have to hold back. I can’t just let myself go crazy.”

Anjou chuckled. “You’re insane. You enjoy that sort of thing. This is a little girl.”

“Anjou, I’m surprised at you. You said so yourself. You believe this is an S-ranked Hybrid.” He crossed his arms, squinting at him. “She’s not as innocent and soft as you’re treating her. The violence that runs in me should run even stronger in her, if your assumption is correct. Not only did she kill those men on purpose, as she described, I think she liked it. She liked it, Anjou.” His grin widened.

Caesar chuckled deep in his chest. “She’s going to hell alright. What she doesn’t realize? She’s going to enjoy every minute of it. Let’s let her have a little fun in the sim room.”

He stood up and walked out.

Angela was out in the back garden. It was another frigid day, but she was shoveling the back walk, flanked by two of the officers from the Labor Department. She didn’t realize he was there so he reached out and gathered a hand full of snow from the patio railing, crafting it into a ball.  Then he aimed it directly at her head and launched it like a major league pitcher at the World Series.

He watched her sudden jerk, eyes wide. The snowball whistled just past her nose. He watched her turn, angry and indignant, feeling a warm approving smile come to his face. She looked like she wanted to clock him with that snow pusher.

The guards’ eyes grew large in alarm and their hands went to their belts.

But then she smiled and dropped the tool, “Caesar!” Her voice radiated joy. She ran up and hugged him.

Surprised and awkward, he returned it. “Heh. Well, Angela now is it?”

She nodded. “Kei calls me that but you can call me whatever you want.” 

“Angela’s fine.” He put one hand behind her back to lead her away. “Come with me.”

She looked over her shoulder at the guards who looked a little confused.

“Oh.” Caesar waved his hand, “You two can take a break, we’ll be back in a few hours.”

They walked down a small gravel road. Ceasar breathed out, fogging in the air. “I’ve been dying to talk to you.”

“So...sorry about what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk about what happened.” He said, his tone abrupt and short. “Those glorified B-ranks wanted to see what an S-rank could do and got what they asked for. That’s all it was. You’re suffering because of their stupidity and that annoys me. Let’s talk about something more pleasant. Your future at the college.”

They were approaching the entrance to a metal building that disappeared into a rise in elevation.

Angela chewed her lip but didn’t answer. 

“You need to leave your past behind. That world you grew up in wasn’t the world where you truly belonged. That world judges your true identity as evil. But here at Cassell...” 

They’d reached the door. He pulled a card from his coat and slid it down the slot. The door clicked open. “You’re beautiful. Someone with endless potential. And I don’t say those words lightly.” He held the door open for her to go inside.

The lights came on automatically. The place looked like a utility building with bare open piping running over the ceiling, pale linoleum floors and grey metal walls. “Take off your things and leave them here.” He said, removing his own outerwear.

He watched her eyes move immediately to the gun holsters where he hung his Desert Eagles. The silver gun metal flashed in the dull light. “You’ve never seen guns before?” He asked.

“Yes. Robbie kept a pistol over the book case by the door. In case of emergencies. He kept another one in a night stand.” She said quietly. 

“You weren’t allowed to handle them?”

She shook her head. “He always kept them out of reach.”

“Here.” He removed one from the holster and handed it to her.

She stared at it like it was a live serpent in his hand, leaning away. 

“Go ahead. Safety’s on.” 

Her eyes flicked to his and then down to the gun in his hand. She slowly picked it up. He withdrew his hand. Her eyes were wide in her head. “I first started shooting when I was ten years old.”

“Am I going to shoot things?” She asked. Her voice was shaking. Her body was shaking.

“Maybe? Maybe not, I don’t know.” He chuckled at her. “Hold on to that.” He turned and kept walking.

“You sh... should take it back. I... I’m not allowed...”

“Is that not my pistol? Didn’t I hand it to you?” He gave her an incredulous look. He watched her swallow. She seemed to be panicking but he ignored it. “It can be hard to leave the past behind. But you have to.”

He walked until he came to another larger door with a bright red light over it. He picked up a strange ropey attachment hanging on the side of the door. “Here let me put this on you.” He wrapped a thin piece of plastic with small round metal studs around her forehead. “It will help us monitor you.”

“Okay...”

“We’re not monitoring you as punishment. We’re curious. We want to know you, Angela.” 

“Okay.” Her voice was softer, she was no longer smiling or looking him in the eyes. Withdrawing.

This time, he pressed his thumb to a scanner. “I was born into money according to some. But not a dime of it was truly mine. In truth, I was born with nothing. Everything my family owns comes with the price of their loyalty, obeying their traditions, most of which I don’t agree with. I’m not willing to judge myself by their standards.”

Angela didn’t answer. To her, they’d walked back outside again, but this time onto a city street with run down buildings and boarded up windows. She was visibly confused.

“If I’m to be truly happy with myself, I have to judge myself by my own standards. You don’t have a family name to burden you. You no longer live in the foster home. Your life has changed and you need to adapt, Angela. And that means moving forward.”

She stood there holding the gun, staring at it. “My family didn’t burden me.”

He shook his head. “They did. You just don’t realize it yet.”

A small whimpering noise and a shuffling of a plastic bag came from an alley way. She backed away, but it appeared to be a small black and white puppy. It waddled, flapping its paws against the uneven sidewalk. 

Angela gasped and looked to it. She put the pistol on the ground. “Oh no! A puppy!” She looked around. “Is it alone? Where did it come from?”

Caesar didn’t answer. He looked down the street. A group of people were coming, carrying clubs and what looked like chains. They flipped switch knives. The whole crowd of them stretched from one side of the street to the other.

Angela turned to run but when she looked back, the door was gone! And behind them were more of those armed people! They were surrounded! He could hear her panicked breathing as she cradled the puppy in her arms.

It really was a cute puppy. So young it didn’t have any teeth. He was sure the simulator was making it shiver against her, warm, whimpering and helpless.

As the crowd drew closer, Angela picked up the gun. Caesar looked down at her through the corner of his eye, not moving. If her foster father owned not one, but two guns, she knew what it was supposed to be used for. 

The crowd drew closer, honing in on her as the threat. She tried yelling at them. “Stop! Don’t... don’t come any closer!” She looked up to him for help.

“What are you looking at me for...?” His voice held indifference colder than the winter wind. “You’re the one with the gun.”

She gasped and looked from him to the crowd. They were close enough now that she could see their eyes, the shift in expression on their faces.

“I can’t... “

One in the crowd ran for her, spinning a chain over his head and launching it at her. She squeaked and flinched, dropping the gun. The man grabbed her arm and yanked hard. The puppy fell to the ground, yelping in terror.

The man, laughing, drew back his foot and kicked it. It flew through the air, yipping as it sailed in an arc. The man laughed and made a similar mocking noise. 

Angela let out a griefstricken howl and jumped at the man, pounding his chest with her fist. First flashed a brilliant strobe of light, then a fountain of blood burst from the man’s back. Caesar backed away, whispering to himself. “Okay...”

The blood had sprayed over her face. She ran to the puppy and scooped it up. Caesar continued to whisper quiet encouragement. “Take it out on them... take it all out on them.”

The crowd ran forward like a pack of hungry animals, brandishing their weapons. She stood absolutely still, head low. He could hear her muttering the words, those draconic words. 

The crowd was only a few feet from her when she raised her fist grasping a beam of light that appeared from nowhere that pierced three of her attackers at once before it vanished and reappeared, whipsawing around and cutting a burning red line through a fourth. 

Caesar could barely contain his delight, quietly laughing. Where was a cigar when he needed one?

He’d never seen a soul skill like this. 

She dropped the puppy’s lifeless carcass. Her yellow eyes were full of tears. She wielded her weapon, not like an elegant fighter with complicated techniques but like a desperate angry person with a hammer, slamming it down on their heads again and again, turning them into bloody chunks of meat.

One man tried to run and she grabbed him by the jacket and stabbed him in the back. Then hit him two more times, severing his head and arms as he went down. She leaped at them like a wild tiger let out of a cage and every hit scored a kill. 

“EVA, raise the difficulty by one.” Caesar mumbled.

Now they started to surround her. They grabbed her from behind and struck her in the face. She staggered. The beam of light pierced the one holding her from chin to the top of his head. He fell. 

She swept her arm through the air.

A dozen beams of light shot into the crowd, laying trails of death through it. The beams didn’t dissipate. They turned around and began flying independently in the crowd of enemies!

“Holy... shit...” Caesar’s smile stretched ear to ear and he started to laugh.

Angela spun in place controlling all of these arrows of lightning, mowing the enemies down like grass.

Finally, the beams converged over her head like a sun. She raised her hand and snapped her fingers. The sun burst into flying shards. 

Every last one of the remaining enemies fell. 

She looked left and then right. There were no more. The molten color drained from her eyes. She looked at him, her face falling immediately back to the whimpering pathetic expression. “You did that on purpose.” She said, sobbing into her hands.

Caesar hissed. “Stop crying!”

She startled looking up. 

His voice was harsh and sharp through his clenched teeth. “If you had acted earlier, the puppy would still be alive. If you regret anything, regret that!”

The simulation faded. They were actually standing in a bare warehouse looking area. “You have the power to protect the weak and defenseless and you didn’t use it. Are you going to keep making that mistake?”

She wiped her eyes and shook her head.

“There... that wasn’t so difficult, was it?” He walked over to retrieve his gun where she’d discarded it. He returned it to his holster. “I don’t want to hear you condemning yourself any more. So long as you’re fighting for justice, the bloodstains don’t matter.”

She nodded, trembling and wringing her hands. 

“I want to invite you to the Student Union Club, Angela, once you’re out of here. I’m not going to treat you like the others. I’ll treat you like the heroine you are.”

[iredreamer]

I love and adore your scene breakdowns (discovering your blog has cleared my skin, watered my crops and brought peace to the valley- would you ever want to do one for the bit where Ann is hallucinating while her friend and Anne are staying at Crow Nest? And also do you know how much of that is true to life? Like, did Ann actually say that their relationship was repungnant, did she actually think about gay men being hanged? No demand though ofc and apologies if you've talked about this already.

hey :) thank you so much you’re too sweet

And now, first I’m gonna answer your questions about the real Ann Walker and then I’m gonna do the scene breakdown.

I’ve not read of Ann saying she thought their relationship was “repugnant”, I don’t know if she ever used that word (I don’t think she ever did but I could be wrong). Till now I’ve not came across it while reading the journals. Anyway, the situation was far more complex in reality. In Ann Walker’s life, sex, love and death had always been linked in some very tragic and unfortunate way (all her family basically died, one of her past “lovers” died, Mrs Ainsworth died and she, AW, committed adultery with Mr Ainsworth). She thought that all the death that surrounded her was somehow her fault. After the Ainsworth thing she starts developing a fixation on her sins. She writes to Anne: “It is not only death in this world, but a far worse death that I fear. If ever the prayers of a so true friend may ever avail for another, may yours be heard for me this night, that the gate of Mercy may not be forever closed upon me, for I am wretchedness itself”. Basically when her friend, Mrs Ainsworth, dies, Ann is reminded of her “thing” with Reverend Ainsworth and that’s what really breaks her, she feels guilty and ashamed. This leads to Ann Walker reconsidering her relationship with Anne Lister and asking herself how it would appear in the eyes of God. And this is when she starts to think that her “connection” with Anne is wrong and a sin.

In real life Ann’s condition was even worse than what we see in the series. From the companion book: “Fearing that she was approaching death, Ann begged Anne to read extracts from the bible aloud. Anne selected and ‘paraphrased the 10th of Matthew’, but it seemed that Ann was unable to be reached by its message of resilience and healing. Instead she preferred to cast herself as the subject of ‘Genesis Epistle, St James 1.6′, whose lack of absolute faith in the Lord’s ability to heal destined them to be cast adrift, ‘driven and tossed by the wind, like a wave in the sea’”. Their views on religion and faith were very very different. Anne Lister had reconciled her sexuality and her faith perfectly and she thought that if God made her like that, then there was nothing wrong with her. Ann Walker basically thought the opposite. The only one that could make AW feel a little bit better was AL. By January 1833 Anne Lister slept at Lidgate regularly.

“Did she actually think about gay men being hanged?”: November 27, 1832 > She [Ann Walker] had doubted whether it was right to engage herself to me if this sort of thing was so bad between two men it must be so …. I answered this in my usual way it was my natural & undeviating feeling etc. etc. but said I the moral responsibility is already incurred. She seemed better satisfied & asked me to go on Thursday – she is going tomorrow saying she would not let Mss P- [Miss Parkhill] go to Pye Nest & Mrs Dysons by herself for fear evidently of her gossip about us. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0155]. This is the only bit I came across where the Ann(e)s discuss male homosexuality.

In GJ all this happens in just one/two episode/s but in reality this thing went on for months. Ainsworth writes to AW for the first time on the 1st of November 1832 and he keeps writing for quite some time. AW’s health keeps getting worse and worse month after month till she basically has a mental breakdown and goes to live with her sister in Scotland in February 1833.

Now, going back to the fictional Ann(e)s, about that scene…the first thing I wanna say is that I love how Anne Lister reacts to it all. You can see how her attitude changes as the scene progresses and she understands that what Ann’s going through is really bad, worse than what she thought. From the way she replies to Ann at the beginning, and just from her facial expressions, it’s clear that she thinks this whole thing is just a big joke (not in the sense that she doesn’t believe Ann, but in the sense that for her, for Anne, all that’s happening doesn’t make any sense). Anne’s first reaction is almost dismissive, but her voice when she replies is sweet and calm: “Can you hear that?” – “What, the wind?” – Her answers are logical and sarcastic – ”And what are they saying about me?” – “You’re going to die.” – “Well, yes, eventually.” – She tries to reason with Ann, she tries to make her understand that what she’s hearing is just the wind or the noises of the house, nothing more. But when Ann says – “Don’t be glib!” – Anne starts to change her attitude.

As the scene goes on and Ann says more and more stuff about the voices she hears, Anne becomes more and more serious – “When you say voices, how many can you hear?” – “Ann, do you recognize the voices?” – “Are they always the same voices?” – She stops being dismissive or sarcastic and she starts really paying attention. I love this because it shows that she is a very good observer and she’s very quick to see the importance of the situation and understand what the person she’s with (AW in this case) really needs. She does this many times in the series and it’s one of her character traits I love the most.

I also love how physical she is during this scene. She’s always touching Ann, caressing her, holding her hands, holding her head to her chest, kissing her head. This is how Anne reassures Ann and shows her support, we’ve seen her do this in other occasions: in the scene in 1x03, when Ann’s on the floor, crying because she thought Anne wasn’t gonna come back to her and at the end of 1x05, after Ann tells Anne about Reverend Ainsworth. And I think it’s very important that AL not only gives emotional support but that she also gives physical support. Anne Lister understands that what Ann’s going through is not only emotionally exhausting but also physically exhausting, and she’s there for it, for all of it.

“They’re going to kill you as well as me, and we’ll both burn in hell for all eternity! Everlasting torment in hellfire!“ – In the bible it’s said that sinners who have committed a mortal sin will burn in hell for all eternity. And this is what Ann Walker believes. Ann believes to have committed a mortal sin, she was aware of the sinful act and its gravity and she committed it deliberately. When AW says they’re going to “burn in hell”, AL answers – “What? No!” – This is also an interesting reference to what real Anne Lister thought about all this, in fact she doubted the doctrine of “everlasting torment in hellfire” (”Miss Rawson and I agreed we doubted the doctrine of everlasting torment in hellfire” – 10th February 1833), she probably didn’t believe God could actually let someone burn in hell for all eternity. This shows us how different the Ann(e)s are from each other, and how Anne Lister used to “interpret” the bible in the way that suited her most, while Ann used to observe the common doctrine.

Ann talks about hearing three voices – “Men. Sometimes, there’s a woman.” – If you go back and watch Ann’s nightmare the only three distinctive voices we hear are of two men and a woman. Ann is repeating, in some way, what she heard in her dream: “Anyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in their heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, rip it out! Burn in hell! If your right hand causes you to sin. Cut it off! For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body goes to hell! Hell was created for the devil and his angels. It was a place made for everlasting torment and punishment.“

All this is a paraphrased version of what’s written in the bible about adultery: Matthew 5:29 > “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” and Matthew 5:30 > “And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” These two sections happen right after Jesus said: “everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.“ And then about hell, Matthew 25:41 > “Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels“.

Ann tries to find some peace saying the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.“ She’s asking God to help her know His will, she’s asking to be forgiven for her sins, she’s asking for mercy. And she repeats this again and again while holding the Book of Common Prayer AL gave her.

So, I don’t really know where I’m going with this but, yes, all AW’s torments (in real life and in the series) come from the fact that she was unable to reconcile her sexuality and her desires with her faith and her religion. 

Other things about this scene that caught my attention and could be endlessly analyzed: • Anne’s calm and controlled energy that helps Catherine Rawson to deal with the situation and be a little less frightened of Ann • Anne saying “I was in my room next door” and making you go “was she in the room next door?” because she says it so naturally and she sounds so convincing (she has probably used that excuse many times before) that for a split second you believe her even if you know she was not sleeping in the next room • How Anne takes the weights out of the clock herself to get rid of anything that could disturb Ann’s sleep and how this really happened (she didn’t do it herself tho) • Ann Walker just clinging to Anne Lister as soon as Anne is back in the room because Anne is the only one who can make her feel a little better even if she’s also one of the reasons why she feels so bad. And of course Sophie Rundle who is just brilliant in this scene.

I’m gonna end this with two stupid things that I love lol 1. the face Anne makes after Ann told her that the voices are “in the clock” cracks me up. 2. how hot is Anne turning on that thing with which she lights the candle????

Well, I don’t know if I answered you, I hope I have :) have a nice day!

[ashglory-writes]

another heart’s asylum - chapter 1/10

Who’s ready for a good old-fashioned bodyswapping adventure???  A huge shoutout to Rana​ for looking this over for me, thank you so much!!

[Read it on AO3] - | Next Chapter

~ 2.8k words, rated T, f/f Chargestep (Serena/Julia), contains spoilers for Retribution!

What would you do if you woke up in your girlfriend's body? Hopefully the same thing you would do if you woke up in your enemy's. Otherwise, you might have a problem on your hands.

As it so happens, Julia Ortega has a problem. So does Serena Basri.

There's a vise strangling Serena's spine when she wakes. The pain reaches down to the bone.

This is agony she hasn't felt since Heartbreak – or rather, its aftermath. Nothing has ever hurt as much as that year she spent in 'recovery' after the Farm doctors removed her pain-gate.

To this day she doesn't know if it was punishment for her first escape, or if it had just been so damaged by the fall that its removal was a necessity. All that matters is that they hadn't given it back; that even if it was not meant as punishment at first, that is what its absence had amounted to in the end.

Sleep's haze lifts from her mind, already racing. Wrongness prickles at her thoughts. There's something off about everything here: situation, location, her own self.

Observations swarm like flies around a carcass: the too-soft and too-warm mattress; her arms, longer than they should be; the glint of metal out of the corner of her eye; the shape of her body, soft where it shouldn't be and dramatic in its curves and angles; but worst, and most damning of all, is the silence.

It's not the smothering blanket of telepathic dampeners, nor is it the round-cornered smog that comes from anti-telepathy drugs. She's experienced both forms often enough to be certain. This is just pure, knife-like absence.

It's not unlike being in her puppet's body, especially that first time she slipped into Eden's unpolished, granite-grit shell. But Eden's body is broken in like a new pair of shoes now, worn soft and comfortable, flexible, almost as if it were her own.

It's disconcerting that she's ended up in someone's body without knowing how. But Serena can sort out the how and the why of it all later, in her own body. Away from this pain.

So she closes her eyes, and prepares to loose her soul from this shell...

And nothing happens.

She opens her eyes, staring down at a pair of hands that aren't hers but are intimately familiar nonetheless. Revelation seeps through her mind like groundwater through earth as she registers the blots of silver and chrome peeking through the synthskin of her palms.

These are modded hands.

These are Julia's hands.

Serena's first instinct is to deny the absurdity. She can't be in Julia's body. It's just shouldn't happen.

She knows she has dreams. Some that seem impossible to disentangle from memory, that feel so real she has immediately check herself for injuries the instant she wakes. This is no dream.

Still, these are undeniably Julia's hands. When she cranes her head to look around, she begins to recognize the angles of Julia's bedroom, the stupid bedside lamp, the sleek carpet, the heavy curtains pulled shut over arching windows. Serena is in Julia's body, in her apartment– her life? Involuntary sparks dance up and down her fingers as her distress grows.

There's no trace of Julia's mind lurking in the corners. When Serena possesses people she quashes their thoughts under her own consciousness, but they don't just vanish. They're still there, thin and clinging to the inner walls of the skull, waiting for her permission to inhabit themselves again. The only time that she has ever been inside a truly silent mind is when she makes the jump into Eden's body, and even then she can still feel the indentations left in the brain from a lifetime of someone else's thoughts.

Search as she might, nothing feels odd about Julia's head. The same, however, can't be said about Julia's body.

Give the mind enough time and it can grow used to anything, even pain. That doesn't mean that it's vanished. Only that Serena has had time to adjust, and knows to brace for the flood of fire that spills out from her spine when she forces herself off the bed.

She doesn't have time for pain to hold her back. She's had to push past adjacent hurts before, and with even less on the line than what is at stake now. Because a sudden, terrifying, thought has just come to mind: if she is here, her mind in Julia's body, then where is Julia?

The simplest assumption is also the worst case scenario. She is in Julia's body. So if Julia is in hers...

Serena had been too tired last night, to do much more than peel herself out of Nihil's armor and collapse. Everything is out in the open in her hideout: her tools for working on the prototype regenerator; the nanovores; her notes, her plans, her schemes-

And worst of all, Serena herself. Her body.

Every emotion she's capable of feeling vanishes all at once, replaced by only dread. If Julia really is in her body, she has no more secrets to keep, no layer of deniability to hide behind. That thought terrifies her more than any other.

Plans overwrite plans in Serena's head. Everything at this point is only conjecture, but if there is any chance at all that it's true then she cannot leave it be. There will be a fallout, and she needs to be prepared to do damage control. And oh, she’s had so much practice at damage control, no time to rest between one crisis and the next.

So, step one: get in contact with Julia. Find out how much of the truth she knows, though Serena can't imagine that Julia won't have pieced together the entirety of it. Julia is ignorant, perhaps willfully, but she isn't stupid. Even she will have to accept the truth when she's forced to stare the ugly truth in the face.

The question, then, is: how does she do that?

Julia's brick of a mobile phone is easy enough to find, left charging by the bedside table. Serena hefts the thing in her hands, considering. Julia seems so confident that her apartment is untapped, unbugged. Secure. But a phone like this, carefully insulated against any flareups, has to be built to specification. And she knows that Julia uses it for Ranger business.

There's a high possibility that this phone is monitored. And if she calls Julia, who must be equally – if not more – bewildered at their circumstances, there's too high a chance that one of them will let something slip. Say something they shouldn't. Holding her tongue has never been one of Julia's strengths.

Serena growls to herself. Calling or texting is out of the question, and it's by very deliberate design that she hasn't left Julia another way to contact her.

That leaves one option. And that means Serena needs to get dressed.

As she staggers her way to the doors of Julia's closet, it's second nature by now to avert her eyes from the full-body mirror mounted to the wall next to the closet door. Still, skin flashes in the corner of her vision: deep tan, interrupted by pale streaks of scars.

No orange.

No orange, and it takes actual effort to shake herself out of the realization that this really isn't her body. That this is a human body, rugged and real. For the briefest instant she almost fools herself into believing that this could be her.

Then reality catches up to her, in the form of light winking off of silver rivets along Julia's body. Serena has to turn away from the mirror, something that tastes half like guilt sticking to the back of her tongue. Enough gawking at Julia's body, wishing that it really was hers.

Serena throws on the first set of clothes she gets her hands on, not bothering to make sure they go well together. It's Julia's closet; any old blouse and pair of pants should look nice enough. Habit has her shrugging on a jacket as well, unnerved by her shirt's short sleeves. All of this still feels too light, too exposed, but she's Julia now. And Julia Ortega isn't afraid of anything.

Mercifully, there's no one else in the apartment that's up and about save the doorman. It's early enough in the morning that she greets who she thinks is Julia with a yawn and a simple wave, content to leave it at that. Serena returns the greeting with a smile, hating how easily her mind conjures up Julia's guileless grins, how at home they feel on her face.

Public transportation is an unfortunate necessity that Serena doesn't like dealing with, even on her best days. This is... definitely not one of those. No matter if she's in Julia's body or not. Luckily, Julia's car keys sit heavily in her pocket, and somewhere in the years she's been gone, Julia swapped out her ostentatious sports car for something a little more subdued.

It's still a nice car, Serena thinks, sleek and shiny, because Julia doesn't settle for "serviceable" when she can have "great" – but what does that say about her? The way Julia sees her?

Serena's hands tighten around the steering wheel, her own upset electricity biting into her palms. With a grimace, Serena pushes that thought away. It's just one more to add to the avalanche of things she can't acknowledge if she's to preserve this tentative happiness between her and Julia.

Though once the dust of the current disaster settles, says a spiteful part of her that she just can't ever seem to silence, there may not be much of anything left to preserve.

A car like Julia's stands out in the suburbs. There's nothing to be done about that. All that Serena can do is drive out as far as she dares, and hope that there's nobody willing to brave the city's precarious, landslide-prone fringes this morning. Luck seems to be on her side today: the few people around seem to all have business elsewhere, and no one strays anywhere off-road. Still, she misses her telepathy deeply, unable to satisfy her paranoia by scanning the area for any too-curious minds.

The long drive over has wrung her out. The grating ache in her spine had proved impossible to ignore. She knows she makes jokes about Julia's age, but she hadn't expected this exhaustion. She refuses to let the emotion curling like wispy smoke through her gut be guilt.

So, deciding firmly to not be guilty, Serena climbs down into the labyrinthine tunnels that sprawl out beneath the outskirts of Los Diablos. She has business here.

Everything looks as she remembers, though there's precious little to be disturbed. On the one hand, it's a good sign that nobody has traced her back to this entrance. But on the other, it means nothing; there are dozens of pathways all leading to her hideout, her sanctuary. Julia could have left through any one of them and she would be none the wiser.

Serena picks up the pace. Her footsteps echo through narrow corridors. While she likes to wander, normally, she cuts through the passageways as fast as she can now. The twists and corners are as familiar as breathing, but Serena doesn't make for the main entrance. The path she ends up on is slightly more circuitous than she would prefer, but she can't rely on the main doors being accessible. A side entrance, just one of many potential escape paths, is what she needs.

At last she reaches her destination: a broken down chamber attached to the water plant. It may have been a garage at some point, perhaps, but what matters is that the walls have decayed enough that there's space for her to slip into the main building, even accounting for Julia's excess of height.

The lights are off, though grimy sunlight streams in through the high open windows of the power plant. It's no worse than the tunnels, and just enough to barely see by, though everything within is cast in dim shadow. Serena hesitates when she fully squeezes through the gap.

With the benefit of, quite literally, a new perspective, her lair reminds her of Heartbreak. Musty, broken things scattered about everywhere, and a bitter foreboding that hangs in the heavy air, perceptible even without telepathy. Is this what she's been surrounding herself with?

No. Stop. Focus. So many thoughts she needs to pack away, to ignore for now – or, preferably, forever.

So Serena takes a breath, and calls out into the solemn quiet, "Julia?"

No answer. But her ears catch on a breath of a sound, the barest hint of soft cloth shuffling against cloth. Then breath after ragged breath. She immediately snaps her head in the direction of the noise, scanning the gloom for its source.

There, by her workstation: the silhouette of a lump of a person rather than an actual person, curled in a fetal position, arms wrapped around the head. Serena begins approaching gingerly.

"Julia, can you hear me?" she tries again. It must be disconcerting to hear your own voice speaking to you, and Julia has even less frame of reference for this sort of thing than Serena herself does. She doesn't know how much of Julia's instincts or her own remain, coiled tight and waiting like the tension in a spring, so she moves slowly, so as not to jostle the hornet's nest. Caution is her ally here.

It's not until she's right up next to her own- Julia's- her body that she recognizes what's happening. She has to forgive herself a little, for taking so long; she's never seen this from the outside before. The Farm had always taken care to separate the telepaths from each other when one of them was showing weakness. Breaking down.

For once, Serena's thankful for the blank silence in Julia's head. The same void that she had cursed many times over the years now wraps her in a blanket of immunity. Otherwise...

Serena's never really stopped to take stock of just how much her powers have grown, especially in the wake of Heartbreak. A telepath's instinct tells her that if she weren't in Julia's body right now, her mind would be pulped like an orange just from proximity. No wonder everyone had been avoiding her hideout; self-preservation works even when you don't know what it is you're running from.

But Serena knows what she's facing. And she knows she's not fleeing.

Seeing herself laid low like this leaves an unpleasant taste in her mouth. It's not any easier than when she had to have Eden stitch her up after a fight gone wrong. Somehow, it feels worse, actually.

Is it because it's Julia shivering on the ground, and not you?

Serena's gotten adept at ignoring her own thoughts. She can't afford to have Julia collapse in on herself, in Serena's body, under the sudden deluge of new powers beyond her ability to control. The ship has long since sailed on pretending that she only wants Julia to calm down to avoid any irreparable damage to her own body.

So she kneels down by Julia's hunched form, pushing past the way her spine protests the motion. Gingerly, tentatively, she rests a hand on Julia's shoulder. Only a thin nanomesh suit separates skin from skin. She holds steady through the full-body shudder that shakes through Julia's entire body.

"Listen to my voice," Serena begins, keeping her tone soft. She doesn't think that conscious thought is close enough to the surface for Julia to be able to understand her words. But from past experience, she knows that her overloaded brain will latch onto the comforting thought-void static, the warm murmur of soft nonsense.

"It will feel like an ocean, at first. Like you're drowning in it..."

Step by step, she talks Julia back from the brink. In the absence of telepathy, she can only rely on how Julia trembles beneath her palm. The shaking that was almost violent dies down as she speaks, slows. Julia's ragged breaths evens out.

And at last, she stops shaking. Serena lets her words trail off, though she keeps her hand where it is. Solid, tangible, real.

Julia cracks an eye open. Then the other. Something akin to vertigo sweeps through Serena when she stares into her own green eyes. There's a consciousness behind them that's not her own, and a part of her wants to recoil at the primal, visceral revulsion that the thought conjures.

She watches Julia lick her lips. Her voice comes out as half a whisper, hollowed out. "...Serena?"

Swallowing against the tension, Serena nods. "It's me, Julia."

Julia stares at her blankly in the face for a moment. Then she looks down to her arms, the way the sleeve of skinsuit is pulled up just enough to-

Serena grits her teeth, eyes flickering away when she catches a glimpse of orange streaks. Her eyes come to rest on her armor, lying dismantled by the workstation. Nihil's distinctive helmet lies on a bench, blueprints and maps and all other manner of clues scattered on the tables like fallen leaves.

Her stomach clenches. And then so does her heart, when she sees Julia follow her gaze, and how the puzzle pieces itself together in Julia's head.

Damage control, Serena reminds herself. She's good at that, if nothing else.

But nothing prepares her for the sheer depth of fury in Julia's eyes, nor the despair in her voice, when Julia asks, "Serena, what the hell is this?"

[asktheraggededges]

The Guard isn’t exactly something that you retire from, unless you’re lucky enough to be in one of the regiments they use to jumpstart new colonies. However, as you’re inquisition, you’ll probably be assigned new duties as time goes on. Where do you expect (or hope) to end up?

KRUMPIN’ TIL I CAN’T KRUMP NO MORE.DIE KRUMPIN’

MAYBE TEACH OTHAS TA KRUMP.

Vergessenheit.

Dreams are for dreamers. I am a soldier.

Inquisitor, of course. One of the stylish ones with all the grisby. But that still gets to interrogate people.

I want to end up wherever she is. I don’t care if that means dying before my time. SO long as I’m with her.

I probably shouldn’t be the one giving orders, dude. Can you imagine it?

Keep fighting until I can’t fight, I guess? UUuh. Tend bar?

CAN’T STOP. WONT STOP.ENEMIES MANY.

I don’t hope anything. I expect to be found dead in my quarters , either burned to death or buried beneath a pile of junkfood containers.

Hope? Open a chow house.

Expect? Die with my boots on. Roasting up some xenos.

Never thought about it much, tell you the truth. I suppose , if I’m ever not in tickety boo condition to fight, I could teach a few likely lads a thing or two.

Vergessenheit. But only if I know Angie is safe first.

Oh, man. I should be on the airwaves. Probably gonna just lose my legs and end up on a pension, though.

I give no thought to this matter. I will simply serve.

There is...no room for the likes of me at his side.

I don’t know where I will go. But I am sure it will be a fitting punishment.

Fuck it. Rogue trader.

If you’re gonna ask a question that ridiculous, I’m going big.

Rogue trader specialising in hellguns and whiskey.

Here is fine. I don’t hate this. I just want a little part of this universe I can call my own. Be safe with those I care about.

i kNoW wHaT sHOULd HaPpEn.HAvE nOt SeEn iT.

BuT i KnoW wHaT I cAn dO.AnD I knOW whAt tHeY lOOK for.

hE aLReAdY tHiNkS soMETIMes thAT, when HE paSSes. I SHouLd get HIS jOb.

aNd he IS rIgHT.

Hrrm. I was thinking about finding a nice spot on Vostroya and becoming a musher. But those sort of dreams don’t really apply to a guy like me. I’m a ghost. A nobody. Just another killer.

[subject exhales smoke from a lho stick, which, fairly astoundingly spells ‘Kaz’]

Work my way up the ranks. Transfer back to the navy and get my own ship to command. Doesn’t have to be huge. Just big.

I dunno. Might make sergeant major, I guess.

I guess it’d be nice to hold a position on one of Cadia’s new colonies but..yeah..this is alright, you know? 

Same as I tell Daal. More of the same, please.

Fool question.

I know it’s dumb but...It’d be nice to settle down. Find a nice, strong woman - kind enough to put up with me and my bullshit. Raise and impart wisdom onto the next generation of fighters.

Some people must just do that, right? It’s a big universe and it can’t all be like this.

Maybe I could be one of them. Dunno if It’s what i deserve but...it’s what I’d like.

Fight until I can’t. Tend to animals until I die.

Rin a distillery, Ah suppose. Eh'd still want tae barnie, min' ye. Is thaur a way Ah can dae baith?

Hm. Assuming I can ever be among normal society again. Which is BIG assumption, I guess some day I’d like to go back to Britan. With Wes, if she’s interested. Life is pretty easy there.

I’m..getting ahead of myself sorry. For now, let us assume I’m going to just keep fighting.

𝐈 𝐃𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐄𝐍𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐑𝐘.

[subject just hugs her own sides and smiles]

This. Now. All that I work the bread dough.

It’s very thin or narrow with me.

Hmmm?

I’m still figuring out where I belong in this world, to be honest. I think I will probably eventually enlist with one of the cult of mars. One of the easier going ones...

OH, who knows? I just hope that wherever I go there is something to learn, a little wine and some good company. I will go wherever that is.

Realest possible talk. I’m actually being serious here.

They should probably make me an actual acolyte. Not inquisitor or whatever, but I should probably work for them more directly.

[subject mouths something to the camera while making the vox gesture next to her head]

Don’t care. This is easily one of the better parts of my life.

I dunno, man. As long as there’s action, tech and some honey’s I’m easy.

Well, I’m not getting back into politics, that’s for certain. Heh.

I’m not sure. I suppose I could teach or maybe I should try settling down and starting a business. Maybe an orphinarium or a medical facility for those with less money. I try and focus on the present, generally.

MOVE ALONG.

Goodness, I’m not sure! I suppose I’d go into training if I couldn’t right myself. It might be nice to retire outright, you know? Maybe even start a family if ..if um the person ..um..if they wanted..to um..

[subject turns crimson and covers their face]

Giant woman will never stop fighting! I want to be with my comrades and my darling! Not important why.

Gosh. My biggest hope - silly as it sounds would be to get all this data into a form that future generations can enjoy. Perhaps learn from. Slates or tomes or  feeds from the galactic data trawl. Something like that.

I’d like to be on one of Cadia’s new colonies. Teaching people all I’ve learned in my time here. About other cultures, about myself. About humans. Somewhere peaceful, if there is such a place. An agri-world, or a shrine world.

And maybe occasionally people would come to me and ask if it’s all true. What happened to us, what’s happening to us, what will happen to us. And I’ll be able to say ‘every word’.

I’ll be able to see what we’ve all become. I am sure some of us will be generals or inquistors or something grand like that. 

And I’ll be able to smile fondly of when I knew them back when.

Maybe, when all this is over. Maybe we’ll even catch up sometimes.

I’d like that.

[jack-marston1895]

The dream, future life part one-

The man sat on a old wooden chair, the grass had overgrown the wooden barn started to fall to pieces, he looked down to see the paint brush in the paint pot slowly crushing out his cigarette he slowly climbed the ladder painting the barn. Sounds of laugher and stamping of small feet running around in the grass.

The barking of the dogs and the neighing of the horses, chickens running freely.

As the man wiped the sweat from his forehead a soft voice heard from behind him as he slowly looked behind resting his arm on his knee. As the woman smiled holding a beer in one hand and resting the other on her pregnant belly. The man slowly smiled bending down kissing the woman on the lips as he took the beer.

“You ought to be careful, get the children to help”

The woman smiles back putting her hands on her back.

“Oh Jack you sure do know how to care for one, I am fine. They’re kids they’re having fun”

As Jack shook his head, the sound of children running began to get louder “daddy, daddy, look what we found”

The children held up a dead rat, flies were on the freshly shot rat.

“John, Abigail I told you not to mess around in the shed” as Jack slowly got down the children slowly putting their heads down.

“I don’t mean to shout but I have guns there, you know better John.. you’re 11 years old” Jack put his shoulder on the young boys shoulder.

“You have a load of toys, you can play with those you too Abigail”

Abigail turned around and huffed. “I thought you were taking us to see granny and grandpa and uncle today, you told us you’d tell a story and learn to ride”

Jack laughed “it’ll happen, patience my sweet one. I’m not going anywhere.. there’s plenty of time. Now go and play both of you”

Jack sat down as he lit a cigarette. “I told you not to smoke anymore” Jack put his head back “Lillian, it’s fine. You gave me a beer? Isn’t that bad?”

Lillian crosses her arm “what’s bad is that you smoke more than you care about making this ranch, you drink less yes I gave you that because I didn’t want you to suffer again, you had been drinking a lot everyday”

Jack stood up kissing Lillian “I promise you I’ll be fine, I’ll do the ranch up again I am still doing it aren’t it” as he pointed at the barn.

Lillian spoke in a stern voice

“look.. the only thing you keep nice around here is the grass near your parents.. I know they’re dead and gone and you love them but please care for the rest you go away for days working on your books they invite you in town you went to California for one month Jack, if you go again soon I’m afraid you’ll miss the birth of your third child”

Jack sighed trying to reassure Lillian would had been safe and the children. “I will look after you, I go to get money I feel I need time away.. I don’t know but I need time away on my own..I come back with money don’t I ? I’m a writer”

Lillian had stormed off “you think about all of this Mr Marston”

As the clouds slowly covered the blue sky, there was a sound and echo of gun shots. Jack has kept all his guns locked away, as he did not carry them into town anymore. As he tried to change and adapt to the modern life although he was an outlaws son Jack had kept his gun around the ranch. As he ran off towards to gun shots

Lillian rushed outside “what on earth is that, we don’t get many folks around these parts and gun shots.. I thought the law went away that time Jack”

Jack held his hand out to calm Lillian “look, it’s not the law and I was drunk! I am sorry I punched the lawman but I hate them”

Lillian folded her arms as she squinted her eyes at Jack “I don’t know what you hate them so much”

Jack hadn’t told Lillian about the day he shot Edgar Ross as he kept it a secret and she was never allowed to read his journal.

“You stay, I’ll check it out”

Jack ran through the long grass to see a Deer dead with blood on the floor as he went up to it at the corner of his eye he seen a little boy and girl on the floor. John has suddenly dropped the gun shaking. “Pa, Pa I didn’t mean to I promise” John ran off. Abigail slowly walked towards Jack as she was covered in blood “I tried to save the poor animal daddy, it was Johns fault” Jack stood up as he rubbed his face “goddammit!, cover your ears Abigail” As he raised his voice Abigail covered her ears and ran to her mother.

“That little sh....ahhh” Jack has raised his voice swear grabbing his fathers gun “my fathers gun too, lord did I ever teach him anything? “ Jack looked at his gun as he remember how it felt to hold a revolver and not any revolver it was his fathers gun he used to kill Edgar Ross as Jack stood still he had a Flash back when he was a young man.

“You shoot him like a dog” Jack held his head slowly walking back to the ranch.

“Your son needs punished, he did not listen to me” John ran to his bedroom slamming the door. Lillian was mad at Jack as she slapped him across the face.

Jack made his way to the washroom where he looked in the mirror, his face had aged with a few wrinkles and grey hairs appearing. Jack kept his hair long but grew his facial hair, he had a beard as he looked at his face seeing the scar when he tried to kill a bear and the scar on his chin when he threw a rock and a stick hit his face. Jack brushed his hair back noticing his hair line had changed pulling hair the hair out of his face “Jesus I’m getting old” Jack had kept all of his old clothes, fathers belongings as he did not let go. He had thoughts of trying to bring his old look back as he stood up tall. Jack was due a visit to California about his book “Red Dead” Jack never told the real meaning about the book or The characters and everything was real.

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 91: Dial Tone

Y’know kids, forcibly shitting on these chapters so violently has really done a number on my bowels.   I think I should take it easy a little, luckily it seems Taeshi heard my cries (in the past, somehow) because this chapter just feels like it was aimed at my heart.  And not in the way she normally aims at my heart to fucking drive a stake into it, but I digress.  The chapter starts with Mike going to school and...

Yeah I’m with you Mike, I can’t believe summer’s over either.  I mean what was that?  Two chapters?  It weirded me out that it was already July when Golden Hour came around, and now it’s August!  I guess nothing else of interest happened.  Anyway they go into school, and...

Oh shit, why did no one tell me?!  It’s her!  I can’t believe it took 3 years, but she’s finally back!  Damn it I was supposed to take it easy!  I can’t get into Lucy’s new behavior, it might destroy m-

Oh, false alarm this is clearly a dream.  

A...very..weird...dream...

THE LEVEL OF CONCERN IS ELEVATING. 

OH THANK GOD!  We’re safe.

Wait...what?

OH SHIT BOYS IT’S VOLUME 1 STYLE!  WE’RE TAKING A RIDE DOWN MEMORY LANE AND EVERYONE’S INVITED!  AND GUESS WHAT? 

I actually like this part!  These callbacks are great and their implications are not lost on me! So allow me to splurge about something I like for once, and something that I actually do understand.  

This could very easily be seen as fan service, and hell my reaction to this should be proof that it probably is.  But if I’ve learned anything from Two Kinds, it’s that there’s two kinds of fan service that work for a story like this.  fan service that doesn’t effect anything, and is just there if you want it but doesn’t detract from anything, or fan service that actually drives a point home.  And credit where credit is due, Taeshi put fine use for this scene.  The volume 1 style isn’t just meant to be a visual callback, but also to create a mental connection between what’s being said and done in this current scene, and comparing it to the past.  

But before we go into the writing of the scene, let’s play a game of SPOT THAT VOLUME!

first one mid-Volume 1 Mike aka Naked Mike.  very short lived, but an alright Mike.

Second is Acapulco Mike, jaded and angry, aka Liquid Mike he is the source of all Mike’s problems.

Third is clearly early volume 1 Mike, aka Solidus Mike.  a fine man.  caring, likable, he put up with a lot of shit but he was always capable of throwing it back at them.

first is clearly Christmas Mike aka Raiden (Mike).  His time was short-lived, and he yelled at a little bird.  

second is freshman/sophomore Mike clearly pre- Just Beautiful  He is the Solid Mike.

And finally we go back to current Mike aka Punished Mike.

Lucy is a lot harder to pin point, because I can’t just go off of the scarf anymore.  The details on Lucy are more about style, a big give away though, is the eyes and face fins.  

First one is a bit of a trick Lucy.  Because the eyes and lack of face fins is Volume 1, but the proportions and body is more reminiscent of far later chapters.  

Second one is mid-Volume 1 Lucy, specifically it reminds me of Unmerry Melodies Lucy.

a fine Lucy, a happy Lucy, a carefree Lucy.

Third is early Volume 1 Lucy clearly, not even a challenge.

1st one is kinda hard, I’d have to say Late volume 1 for lack of face fins.

2nd one is volume 2 Lucy, her face fins are still stubby and haven’t grown out as much 

Example: Wonderland

3rd was hard to pin point to since the proportions look new and Lucy has been out of the picture since Volume 4, before they got that big of a head, but I found her! 

It’s volume 5 Lucy!  That’s what my choice and I’m sticking to it.  Odd since that was only a flashback from Augustus, but I’ll take it

And honorable mention to Volume 1 style paneling. It’s a nice touch.  

Anyway let’s see what they’re actually saying.

a lot of it is just arguments we’ve heard before, but this time it’s a self-reflection.  These things are maybe just what he tells himself to excuse what he did to Lucy.  

and while this may be a dream sequence this shows that it’s not pointless, we’re seeing more context to how Mike feels about the flowers he received in Class of 2008.  The doubts he has with his relationship with Sandy is interesting.  I’d say how kind of annoying it is that this is what one of the biggest relationships that has persisted in this comic has come to, but I can’t get mad.

Except that now we’re back at this again.

Look I know what I said about liking Fan service, but...

NOT THIS KIND OF FAN SERVICE

HALT!  I HAVE A GUN AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO KILL MYSELF WITH IT!

OH THANK GOD IT’S #NOTMYSANDY! 

Oh hey and we’re back to the early Volume 1 panel structure!  Although the style is still pretty much the same...Except Mike still has the pre-Just Beautiful scarf...

I feel like I gotta get into the artsy mind set to understand why he has Tess’ scarf instead of Sandy’s in this part, but... ehhh.  Let’s focus on the writing in this scene, first of all the whole “mike cheating” part.  Which kind of makes sense for the Volume 1 style given that that part of Mike’s problems only really came up during Volume 1.  I’d give shit about it being such an old plot point that’s being brought up now, but the fact that we have these volume 1 visuals helps to refresh the mind and make us remember that.  It’s a very effective way of artistically preparing the reader, and I appreciate that. 

The rest of this page feels so culty, and it really shows just how far gone Mike has gone with his relationship with Sandy.  It’s like he’s a zealot and begging to his god for mercy, but sadly...

his prayers go unanswered.  He is worshiping a...

False Idol

Oh come on! You know I had to make that joke!  

Anyway, this leads to Mike pleading for Sandy to listen, but she simply Magnetos outta there leading to Mike finding himself drowning, and there’s some neat imagery. specifically, here 

Did you catch it?  Cause I did!  IT’S MOTHER FUCKIN’ TROUBLED WATERS!  Except from Mike’s perspective, because Lucy was the one who dived in first to save Mike!  I’m glad it’s here, I feel like the people who hate on Lucy seem to forget bits like this.  And then we see another version of Lucy 

Hmmmm I know that bandaged Lucy is a reference to something, I want to say confrontation because I don’t know of any other where Lucy got physically hurt like this.  But enough about references and callbacks, they’re talking and we see Mike facing his inner demons, and I actually kinda like this.  

We finally get to see Mike getting eaten up by his  feelings about Lucy, and how he sees himself as responsible for it.  It’s a good scene, it was necessary for this character (I wish it would’ve come in earlier, but y’know better late than never I guess).  More than that, we get reminded that Mike really does care about Lucy, and didn’t want to hurt her, it’s melodramatic with the blood, but it’s a dream so it’s alright.  Although this bit is pretty hokey 

Look man, this is the most fun I’ve had reading a chapter, let me have this one.  Come on.  I can’t laugh too much because we swiftly switch back from fun times to 

Well...that’s...

And Sandy is not helping! Sh-...wait...that looks familiar.

Wait...

Nah...nah...Taeshi wouldn’t be that pretentious.   I don’t know if she was going for that, but I know what I’m going for! 

THEN PERISH

Anyway, we get more of Mike’s self-loathing and how he feels about himself in his relationship in the form of Sandy roasting the guy.  Then she points to Lucy for some reason that I’m not gonna dig too deep for 

I can’t believe Lucy’s fucking dead!  err AGAIN!  I think that might be her dress from the play.  And I’m not sure what she’s implying here.  Does sandy see herself as responsible for killing Lucy? (I mean, for triggering December I guess that would be the case)  Does Mike think that?  I’m not sure, but in either case.

One night and one more time~

EVEN THOUGH THEY WEREN’T SO GREAT!

HE TASTES LIKE YOU!

ONLY SWEETE-BLJGJLKHSKLF

“So this is how Lucy felt during Wonderland”  Anyway, Mike cries and looks for solace in trying to call Sandy but she isn’t picking up making him fed up and going back to sleep.  This leads to a similar scene except this isn’t a dream 

It’s a flashback!  And again, I give props to Taeshi because I really like this scene. 

We get to see more of Mike and Lucy’s relationship, reminding those who may have forgotten, that there was more to their relationship than just Lucy being a bitch to Mike.  Mike used Lucy himself as a shoulder to cry on, just the same as how she did him.  It shows the hypocrisy of the character, that I feel some people seem to forget too easily.  

It’s a nice scene, and we see how Mike used Lucy, but took his anger out on her.  VALIDATING A LOT OF PEOPLE’S (myself included of course) COMPLAINTS WITH DECEMBER!  Again I really wish this had come sooner to when Lucy got hospitalized, I think a lot of people needed this.  But like I said, better late than never.  And we end on mah boy, Bee’s favorite page!

imagine waiting 2 days for this page...

ANYWAY THAT WAS DIAL TONE!  And I think it was pretty good! 

I liked that they finally gave some proper introspection for Mike’s character, to make him less of an unforgivable little shit.  The callbacks, and references were very well executed, and overall I give it a 9/10!  I’m glad that Taeshi isn’t just ignoring Volume 1 and instead bringing that to the front and using it to explain the characters.

Yeah, that’s right I can be positive about BCB.  I am knocking a point though, because seeing a broken false image of Lucy seducing and tempting Mike just makes my skin crawl... I don’t have a problem with these characters in lewd shit outside of the comic, but the characters within comic, with their own fucked up mindsets, doing the lewd just feels so wrong...

Except Rachel of course. 

cuz slut pup is best pup, and I’ll see you guys on the next one!

[valeriemperez]

Tbh, I’m not feeling optimistic in Todd’s direction for the show. If we assume he’s been in charge since 4x15, then he’s really only given us two good episodes and a whole bunch of flops. Everything that sounds promising is all in the future (reporter arc, Dawn Allen) which is exciting until you remember this show has never been good at follow-through, especially season to season. (1/2)

So far his AJK-free episodes have just been compounding on the things that made this season a drag (Ralph, Harry, Caitlin’s split personality) and reducing/erasing the things that made it bearable (Westallen, Devoe/Marlize’s evil mutual partnership). I understand he has to wrap this story up somehow, but what he’s still choosing to focus on in order to do it doesn’t say great things about what he considers important. (2/2)

I’m not feeling particularly generous towards him at the moment, and yet I am compelled to defend him now. First, your opinions of flops is different from mine because I quite liked 19 & 20, and even the back half of 18. The main problems with the recent eps for me have been that Ralph lingered, we didn’t know the Thinker’s plan, and WA didn’t get to be lovey-dovey. Two of those were gone this week, and it was enjoyable to me.

In my humble opinion, the Harry and Caitlin stories are consistent and thematically connected to both the villain arc and Iris’ role as leader, so I’m not about to say they’re terrible just because those aren’t my favorite characters. Iris being the leader proves that scientific knowledge isn’t the only kind that matters, while emotional intelligence is actually very useful. Harry being ‘punished’ by the narrative for trying to defeat Devoe alone just as Caitlin is rejecting the team and Iris’ help to get her powers/alter ego back is also clearly going to circle back to “we’re a family / we’re the Flash,” which Iris has been the champion of all season. It’s also a dark parallel to Devoe, who pushed his wife away in favor of his own skills so much that he’s just lost her - which will probably be his downfall.

Anyway, here are things that 100% did happen once AJK left and Todd was in charge: Iris is going back to journalism next season (and actually mentioned using her skills this week!), Iris was literally called Barry’s lightning rod, and Iris had a physical showdown with Marlize in which she gained the upper hand using her quick thinking.

Yes, I want more domestic WA moments. Yes, I want to see Iris’ journalism onscreen and see an arc of career growth for her. But I do not believe 4.14 - 4.20 has been as awful of a stretch as some others have. 

The Flash season finale description indicates that team flash gets help to defeat DeVoe from an unexpected person, do you think it will be Marlize or Mystery Girl?

At the risk of upsetting people, I think it means Ralph in the mindscape. My guess is Dawn will only show up after Devoe is defeated, while Marlize will hopefully have defected to Team Flash before then. I think they’ll both be important, though!

do you think quentin will be the only fatality/exit from Error this season or should we brace ourselves for some killing? I don’t mind quentin dying, his story’s been over for years but im more worried about curtis/rene/dinah? any ideas if the actors signed for s7?

I feel like someone else will be in danger, but I can’t imagine them losing another series regular.

Do you think Jessica and Candice would like your pic to throw us off? They wouldn’t do that, right?!? I just want her to be revealed as Dawn or a gender bent Bart! I wouldn’t be okay with Jenni since Jenni is supposed to be darker skinned per the comics.

I do not, lol. I think they retweeted/liked because it was obvious after this week’s episode and they’re excited. Not to mention Candice followed JPK, which is a great sign. I’m with you in hoping she’s not Jenni, but she is for sure a descendant of Barry and Iris.

Why are people getting their hopes up that it’s “dawn” helping them in the finale when all know it’s marlize since candice and kim filmed a lot in star labs together in the finale

Yeah, I agree it’s not Dawn - although she will of course be in the episode. I definitely think Marlize will help, but we can’t forget that Barry picks Ralph up in Devoe’s mind, too.

CS complained last year on not wanting KF. Then she suddenly wants her back all because they exchanged Post It Notes. Also, did you peep her saying “No, I will” when Iris said “We will get her back”. She’s always been “Me, Myself And I”. So for those that say she could have lead Team Flash, she’s abandoned the team countless times before. She could very well do it again.

Abandoning the team when the going gets tough is 100% Caitlin’s motto, which is why I think Dawn had never met her before.

I think the fact all the shows dropped in the ratings is more just a reality CW knew was a long time coming. Listen I love Fl@sh but there was no way it was going to escape the disaster of live ratings in general dropping. I think if anyone has a better understanding of the new ratings reality it be CW. The president more or less predicted it would happen years ago. I just don’t think people need to freak out imo

Agreed. CW doesn’t care and Flash is safe. I’m just saying the producers might care about the negative feedback and try to write a stronger/more balanced season now.

Anon, I would love for your dream (CW doing a PSA) to become a reality, too. But as usual, us fans have to do everything around here. IWDS was born because fanboys AND the media was harassing CP and her character. She didn’t deserve that.

It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

“What pisses me off is the very people that harass her thinking she’s out of line for defending herself. I wanna drag them all.” I wish I could do that myself, but I’d lose more braincells and eventually stoop to their level. Let’s just be thankful that CP is getting more love from people nowadays.

Absolutely! She’s getting more recognition, and hopefully one day that’ll turn into meaty roles.

ACK! I was (not stalking) your Twitter and saw you ship Pepperony too?! I love them!! I love that somehow Tony of all people ended up in the most stable relationship in the MCU universe, if you ignore a certain movie that will remain nameless. I don’t need or want another Iron Man movie, but not gonna lie, I would totally watch one if it gave us more of them.

YES! Pepperony are wonderful, and I love the crap out of Tony. He always wants to help people despite his myriad of issues, and he spends time to fix his mistakes. And of course, he’d be nowhere without Pepper.

[smokeybrand]

The Fallacy of Education

I think elementary school is necessary to an extent but everything I've ever learned after probably the third grade, was during summer break at the library and then all of the time when my family got a computer. I never really learned anything “new” in a classroom setting, from probably the fourth grade and forward. Sure, it's dope to have someone bounce ideas off but you can do that with anyone. You can do that online. Hell, I DO that online now. SO what the f*ck is the merit of going through the tribulations of “school?” Capitalism. Capitalism is the “merit.” School is designed to break your spirit as a youth and train you to be a drone in the workforce. The structure of how education here in the US has been built, is designed to acclimate you to a forty hour work week early on. It's built to make you yearn for holidays and the weekends. It grooms you to raise your hands to ask questions and punishes those who deviate from the assigned tasks. Free thinkers are shunned and the arts are almost always removed in one form or another. Creativity is killed in service to conformity because capitalism needs that in order to function. The second it's removed, the second people questions the status quo, is the second they understand the terrible conditions in which they've been forced to exist. But, if you're not smart enough to ask the right questions, then there is no threat to the current class system.

When i got to fifth grade, i went to a substantially sh*ttier school than before. We move into a worse ghetto than the one I grew up in for he majority of my life and that was reflected in this school's curriculum. These kids were morons. That wasn't there fault, the system had failed them because it was assumed they weren't worth the investment. We'd all end up being thugs and criminals because that was what our zip code dictated. When I got there, I kind of f*cked all of that up. These kids were reading well under their grade, the “smart” one rad at a high school level if I remember but i could read at a college level. Indeed, I was well into checking out Shakespeare and Dante by this point. That was too much for my teacher. He graded on a curve because the kids were so stupid and, after that fist test where everyone failed but me because I got such a high mark, told me flat out that there was nothing he could teach me. I became kind of a TA in that class and never turned in another assignment for the entire year. He just gave me As on everything and apologized profusely for not being able to adequately challenge me. It was difficult to see because I would tell this dude loved teaching and he had an opportunity to rally flex his passion with me but the system in which he had to work wouldn't allow him to do any of that. Because the system, itself, isn't built to educate. Imagine being an educator trapped in that cage? Now imagine being a student trapped in there, too, oblivious to the handicap you've just been saddled with.

When i got to the seventh grade, i was put into remedial courses against my ill. We moved back to my old neighborhood ahead of my sixth grade year so I was able to return to my previous school where it was understood that myself and a handful of others were WAY too smart for our own good. They got us more advanced materials from the surrounding high schools and basically told us to teach ourselves. My then principal drove us over to a separate middle school because it was supposed to have better materials and more advanced courses than the neighborhood one. Our principal and the one in the middle school spoke, we all demonstrated our intelligence, and it was agreed we'd be placed in advanced courses in the coming year. When the new year started, I was not placed in those agreed upon courses. My zip code reflected the ghetto and not the bourgeois neighborhood this new school was in. They assumed i was an idiot, even though i was enrolled specifically for the more challenging curriculum, and dismissed my previous academic accomplishments without a word. My elementary school principal literally drove me over there and introduced me to that school's principal because she wanted to make sure the staff understood that i was wildly intelligent "for my age." Didn't matter. They saw a Meadowview zip and i was put into classes with a bunch of idiots. When i protested, they refused to change my schedule. It didn't take long for most of my teachers to realize I wouldn't be in such pedestrian classes but the administration refused to budge. I was ghetto trash and they didn't want to hear anything else, even if it was coming directly from the teachers in charge of me education. My science teacher literally had us coloring f*cking pictures as work assignments. I refused to do such ridiculous busy work, demanded that he teach me some sh*t and, instead, he suspended me from his class and threatened to fail me.

When i got to high school, i was wildly disillusioned by education and basically coasted my way through. I understood that i could learn more on my own and pushed to be home schooled. The way the that system works is you show up for in-class check-in on Monday and pick up a packet of schoolwork. You complete the school work through the week and turn it the following Monday. No classroom. No teachers. No fuss. All of my credits, and then some, and none of the the everyday baggage. I could excel at my own pace, which we have established far outstripped whatever the f*ck the curriculum is at any given time. Plus, I could return to proper coursework at any time. My plan was to knock out about three years worth of credits that first year and try to get into the off-campus internship with the State. It was called the Regional Occupation Program. I'd be paid to work for the State part time while accumulating proper work experience, and still have time to take some college courses at the local Community College. I'd still be able to come back and participate in all of the social sh*t like dances and games plus, I'd be able to walk the stage with my proper class. I'd be able to challenge myself, build toward my future, and still have that high school experience. But my mom refused. Everything i said here, I said to her, and she still refused. She's a slave to tradition and tradition dictated that i HAD to go to class everyday. The system HAD to be maintained. So i did and, as the years progressed, i went less and less. By senior year, i went just enough to keep the cops of her back and still graduated with a 3.8. I never one applied myself in high school and literally just showed up because cops, gym, and girls. Most days, i left early because f*cking why not? I wasn't learning anything. I wasn't being enriched in anyway. By my senior year, I had two Teacher's Assistant classes, two gym classes, Government and a creative writing course. I never went to that one because it was the last class of the day and Transformers came on halfway through it so I skipped it everyday. In order to pass, I just printed out a novel I wrote when I was in the eighth grade. He gave me an A, even though I was only there in person around thirty percent of the school year. I was writing high school level sh*t when I was thirteen. That's the story of my whole life and it didn't get any better when I got to college.

I thought it was going to get better when i got to college. It did not. I had toured a few campuses around my neighborhood and even sat in on a course or two. I went to a few College Fairs and even got accepted into a couple of HBCs. After a I graduated high school I opted to go to a community college that was near by. I' m poor so I couldn't afford a proper school and the scholarships available to me were all partial. I didn't want to have to split time between working and college so I figured if I got the core courses out of the way early, I could lighten the load and have an Associates to take into a part time gig or something later. I had actually gotten into Stanford and wanted to go but the cost of living was WAY too staunchy so this Community college plan was the best option. I lasted a semester. That sh*t was like going back to high school but i had to pay for it out of pocket. I had dreams of debate and lecture, of challenging a professor who could challenge me in return What I got was more of the uniform apathy that has dogged me my entire education career, only now it was driving me into f*cking debt. I love learning. I love reading. I love thinking. None of that I was even conducive to school here in the states. Often times, it was objectively frowned upon. From kindergarten to literally college, I was always under the gun in that sense. To this day, my curiosity is insatiable and I research everything. I want to know all of the things and the big sh*t like theoretical physics or the math necessary to infer the universe before the big bang, is absolutely tantalizing to me. I was frustrated with the stifling rigidity of school f*cking twenty years ago. I can't even imagine what it's like for kids nowadays.

The education system in the US is f*cking ridiculous. It's not meant to build intelligence or free thinking, it's an assembly line method designed to acclimate you to a forty hour work week. It's supposed to get you used to sacrificing the majority of your life in service to capitalism, busting ass just to get to the weekend or next holiday off, because that's how you'll live the rest of your adult life. They're not in the business of education or teaching life skills, they're in the business of manufacturing more cogs for the great machine that is the “economy.” Why the f*ck do I need to know Algebra 2 when I can't do my own taxes? Why the f*ck do we have to spend three weeks studying the Crucible when I don't know how compound interests works? Parents should play a part in this, for sure, but how difficult is that for them to do? They are victims of the same system and have to sacrifice their liberty in order to pay bills, after being bludgeoned with that same aggressive system necessary for them to abandon their hopes. A smart person is a difficult person to manipulate. When people understand, or even have the ability to comprehend, the scales fall from their eyes. We're seeing that now with the “Employment crisis” and how no one wants to go back to being underpaid and overworked after a the Pandemic showed the world for what it was. It's in capitalism's best interests to make sure the masses are smart enough to produce but dumb enough to never understand that they control the means of production. Why do you think everyone wants the kids to "get back into the classroom" when it's obviously easier to "teach" kids over zoom? When it's obvious that they learn more and understand better at home? When entire grade averages have increased considerably, over the entire country, since kids have been studying at home? Because that structure is more important than the learning. Every kid has a phone, computer, or tablet at this point. Internet is everywhere. There's no reason to have in-class learning, especially considering how many f*cking classrooms get shot up around these parts. Especially considering that there are more kids like me thanks to the ready-to-consume inf oration at our fingertips. This one got away from me but i really, really, hate the "education system" here. It's so boorish and archaic, f*cking obsolete, especially in the age of the information, so why go back to that broken system? Because capitalism needs drones not dreamers. It needs conformists, not thinkers. It needs ignorance not education.

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Desperate Times-Lip Gallagher Imagine

Requested: No

Warnings: mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, angst, swearing, and some fluff

   So far, Y/N had had a pretty decent day: her boss at her internship for Chicago Times complimented her proof reading for an article, she got free coffee from the Starbucks near work, and her mom made Y/N’s favorite dish y/f/d for dinner that night. Even her dream was unbelievably amazing since it involved a certain, hot male celebrity and rolling around on a Caribbean beach. However, Y/N was forced to come back to reality when the sound of crashing glass alerted her. Immediately, she jerked up in her bed, feeling pretty disoriented. Then, there were footsteps and Y/N got extremely nervous.

    Y/N didn’t live in the best neighborhood so she was pretty sure that the intruder was holding some sort of weapon and was dangerous. Unfortunately, her parents were the heaviest sleepers known to man so they wouldn’t be any help. So, Y/N grabbed the bat that she kept underneath her bed for emergencies and tried not to shake too much as she climbed out of bed and slipped out the door. Her footsteps were quiet as she listened for anymore noise. The only sound that came from downstairs was broken glass crunching as the intruder stumbled around.

     “Y/N…Y/N!” Lip yelled.

     “Lip?” Y/N whispered.

     She lowered her bat to her side and frowned. She hadn’t seen Lip since high school and she thought he had been doing well. However, Y/N couldn’t have been more wrong. Y/N stood on top of the staircase and what she saw made her heartbreak: there, stumbling towards the staircase was Lip Gallagher, an extremely intoxicated Lip Gallagher. His eyes were blood shot and he had no sort of balance. When he saw her, he smiled a little and leaned against the staircase.

        “There you are,” he said.

        “What are you doing here? Why did you break into my house?” Y/N hissed. 

        “I wanted to see you,” Lip said, his eyes roaming over her body. “You look good.”

         Y/N folded her arms across her chest, feeling her y/s/c cheeks warming up at his words. She had known the Gallaghers since she was eight years-old, but was closest to Lip. His quick wit and genius made him interesting to talk to and the fact that he was good with words added to his attraction. Also, he was extremely good to look at. However, it wasn’t his sharp intellect that had Y/N crushing on him for so long but rather the darker side of him, the side that made him steal money and do many illegal odd jobs. It was with darker side of him that drew her in and took her to a very scary place in her life—-a place that she never wanted to go to again.

         Lip began trying to walk towards her but tripped over one of the stairs and fell pretty hard. He muttered curses under his tongue, but Y/N moved to immediately help him up. She wrapped her arms around his waist and helped him to his feet. Lazily, he leaned his head back to look up at her and smirk.

         “You’re so lucky my family’s too broke to have a security system or you’d be in jail by now,” Y/N whispered.

        “You’d never snitch on me,” he said with a laugh.

        “Be quiet. I’m gonna be nice and let you stay over but you have to go by morning.”

       “Bout time we spent the night together anyway.”

       Y/N rolled her eyes, trying to ignore the butterflies fluttering around in the pit of her stomach as she helped Lip walk up the stairs. She thought that she was over her crush on Lip that she never admitted to him, but old habits were supposed to die hard. 

        She managed to sit him down on her bed before she started making a pallet of blankets for him on the floor next to her bed. 

        “I have no idea how I’m going to explain the broken window to my parents but I guess I’ll think of something,” Y/N said as she stood.

        “Why can’t I sleep in the bed with you?” he whined.

        “Because you’ve been bad.”

        “So are you punishing me?” A sly grin worked its way onto Lip’s face and Y/N shook her head.

       “Just lay down on the pallet and go to sleep while I clean up.” She started to walk past him but Lip grabbed her wrist and pulled her close so that she was standing between his legs.

        “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

       “It’s a window, Lip, my family and I will figure out a way to pay for it.”

       “No, not that, I’m sorry that I got you in a load of sh-t. I…I shouldn’t have let you have that coke,” Lip slurred. “It’s my fault, all of this is my fault.”         “Go lay down, Lip,” Y/N whispered back.

        Even though every fiber of her being was asking Y/N to stay exactly where she was, she pulled away and went downstairs to start cleaning up the glass. As she swept, her mind drifted back to that particularly low point of her life that Lip had just apologized for. In spite of all the therapy Y/N had gone through, she had a bad habit of repressing memories that she didn’t enjoy and avoiding people that she thought triggered her. Lip managed to fall into both of those categories. Sure, he had offered her coke during a party in their freshman year of high school and she had taken it, but neither of them could’ve guessed that she would get hooked the way she did. Y/N could still feel the gravel digging into her knees when Tyler forced her down to them when she was short on money and she could feel her veins in her arms begin to itch with withdrawal.

       “Stop it, that was the past and this is the present,” Y/N whispered to herself. “You have changed, you don’t need anything to take the edge off, you’re healthy and you are doing well.”

     After fifteen minutes, Y/N managed to clean up all the glass that Lip broke when he broke into her house and prayed that a real intruder wouldn’t take advantage of the broken window. When she got back to her room, Lip was passed out on the floor. He looked so sad and troubled that Y/N could’ve cried. She knelt down and draped a blanket over him before crawling back into her own bed. Unfortunately, her dream did not pick up where it left off since all she dreamt of that night was a dark void.

      The next morning, Lip stumbled down the staircase and froze when he saw Y/N eating dinner in her kitchen. She was dressed for an office and seemed fairly perky.

      “Good morning, Lip,” Y/N said.

       “Morning.” Lip glanced at the broken window. “Sh-t, I’m guessing I did that.”

      “No, the intruder I scared off last night did. My dad’s filing an insurance claim so we don’t have to pay for it.”

      “Huh.” Lip scratched the back of his head and walked over to her. “I’m sorry if I said anything stupid but I had a pretty f-cking bad day yesterday and I had a few too many drinks.”

      “That’s pretty normal except most people refrain themselves from breaking into old friends’ houses and scaring them half to death.”

       “I said I was sorry.”

      “Yeah, I know.” Y/N ran a hand through her hair. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

       “Not after I left the bar.”

       “Well, after I found you stumbling around in my living room, you told me that you were sorry for…for what happened back in high school.”

        Lip hesitated and looked at his hands. “Yeah?”

        “I know that we’ve drifted apart over the last couple of years, but I never got to tell you that I forgive you for what happened. We were good friends at one time and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.” Y/N tightened her grip around her cup of coffee. “I was in rehab for two years and I had to do therapy as well. They helped me come to terms with my addiction and the underlying causes of it. Basically, it was a coping mechanism but while most people learn to cope with stress via religion, exercise, or a sport, drugs were my way of coping. Whenever I was upset or under distress, I’d do a line and it made things seem less bad, but then I…I almost got hit by a bus because I was too high to notice that the walking light hadn’t gone on.”

       “Why are you telling me all of this?”

       “Because I want you to know that I forgive you and I’m doing okay now. I got my GED and got into Northwestern on a scholarship. Not everything is your fault, Lip, I had an idea of what I was getting into when I accepted your offer. My addiction was my problem and I caused it, but I’m doing better now.” Y/N glanced at her watch. “I have to head to my internship soon, but if you ever want to talk about anything going on with you, my number hasn’t changed.”

        “Thanks.” 

         Y/N washed her dishes and grabbed her purse before walking out of her house with Lip. She felt a bit of a weight being lifted off her shoulders as she locked the door behind the two of them. Closure certainly was a beautiful thing.

        “Besides that whole apology thing, did I do anything else last night?” Lip asked.

         “Um, you were a bit of a flirt but that’s normal with most drunk guys, right?”

         “Yeah, I guess.”

          They started down the front steps and Lip insisted on walking Y/N to the nearby L. It was a pretty warm day since it was summer in Chicago, but Y/N still had to wear a stupid long-sleeve button down and a pencil skirt to work.

         “Wanna hear something funny?”

         “I’d kill for funny right now.” 

         Lip chuckled a little bit. “Ian thought you had a thing for me.”

        “When?”

        “Middle school and high school and I told him that guys don’t have to be gay to have straight girl friends.”

         “Course not. You didn’t have to walk me to the L, you know, I can take care of myself.”

          “C’mon, Y/N, you used to make me walk you all the way home from school because you thought you’d get jumped if you walked alone.”

         “I’m older now, I’ve changed and so have you.”

         “I highly doubt that.”

         “Fine, I’ll remember that for the next time you ask me to be your fake girlfriend to get some hoe off your back,” Y/N teased.

         “That’s not fair.”

         Y/N laughed at Lip’s whining and shook her head. It felt like old times except there wasn’t a Karen or Mandy hanging around as well. Mandy and Y/N got along just fine, but it was Karen who almost fought Y/N because she knew how Y/N felt about Lip. She would flaunt the fact that Lip was really into her in front of Y/N that would have the young girl crying herself to sleep sometimes. Y/N was sure Mandy knew too but she was nice enough not to say anything. In fact, Y/N was surprised that Lip didn’t know that she had had a crush on him for most of their friendship.

         Finally, they got to the L and Y/N paused. “Well, this is me.”

        “Yeah, have fun interning.”

        “Wait, I never asked you what you were doing.”

         “I’m working for my sister over at Patsy’s Pies. You should stop by sometime, I might slip you a free slice.”

         “Will Fiona like that?”

         “She won’t know about it.”

          Y/N shook her head and started walking up the stairs for the L. “See you around, Gallagher!”

        “Not so loud, I’m hung over,” Lip joked back.

         When Y/N got to the platform for the L she knew one thing was for certain: she was not over Lip Gallagher, not one little bit. 

[rain-jay]

My Thoughts and Theories on Pearls and Diamonds

...and Homeworld as a whole. So I'd like to start this long ass mess with my thoughts on Pearls. A lot of people like to make the statement that Pearls on Homeworld are basically slaves and the Diamonds are horrible irredeemable tyrants and... I just think that is untrue and here's why I think this. Now a lot of people would claim that the Pearls are slaves because they are treated as objects but the thing is... I kinda know what that is like. I mean in my own home I'm there to cook, clean, walk the dog, give my dad's fiancee money, fix their computer, buy them things, sort their work out and stay out of the way, I'm like a convenient inconvenience. I'm not saying the pearls are like that I just think that like myself they're treated more like secretaries than slaves. I guess this point is kinda irrelevant to my argument as it doesn't make much sense but I kinda know how they feel. However, tere is no stone evidence to suggest that the Diamond's Pearls have been abused physically or mentally. You could argue that YP backing away in fear from YD conveys this but YD is seen to just have a big temper in general and is also just... Pearl probably didn't want to get stood on. YP is also smug little shit who before YD began getting angry was seen to make snide faces and back talk. She's seen to look down upon others, she is snooty and has air of superiority around her much like Aquamarine; 'I am Yellow Diamond's Pearl! I am the best! Only the best for my Diamond! Blue Pearl is chilled out and is allowed to doodle during a court case, she is shown to perhaps be a bit sassy around Greg and even in the crewniverse zine, Blue Pearl is seen comforting Blue Diamond and touching her face, wiping her tears away, this suggests that Blue Diamond trusts Pearl. Blue Diamond probably doesn't have her Pearl do much either apart from open doors and do Pearl things, this is hinted at when she doesn't automatically react to Yellow Diamond and by extension Yellow Pearl's command to sing, she just not used to doing much and is used to Blue Diamond being easy going. Yellow Diamond also trusts her Pearl as well as Blue's, especially when they are allowed to witness such private exchanges between their two leaders and not be sent away as well as witness important political meetings and know information no other gem would ever dream of knowing. I could even say that Pearls would probably be allowed to order gems around on behalf of their Diamond, even someone like Aquamarine. I don't think people who are constantly in danger of being reprimanded would be so comfortable around the person who would hurt them either, if the Diamonds were that ruthless I doubt their pearls would be allowed to even move or speak without their say so when it is clear that this is not the case as Yellow Pearl has a little attitude on her. They're not slaves in the way people think they are, they're more like secretaries and as long as they do their job and stand next to the Diamonds then they are probably the most well protected gems in the entire empire, after all who would mess with a Diamond's Pearl and not expected to be punished? I could probably imagine that if BP went missing or had gotten lost or abducted Blue Diamond would be distraught and would not want another one and would do everything within her power to find her and an furious at the gem responsible and as for Yellow Diamond would be angry that her Pearl, if she had went missing, hadn't been found yet but her anger would come from a place of frustration because she is worried because YD expresses all of her emotions through anger, it's all she knows. I couldn't ever see the Diamonds just replace their Pearls without a single thought, they're around them 24/7 and it is hinted that the Pearls also care about their Diamonds that being with Blue Pearl mourning alongside Blue Diamond and Yellow Pearl getting offended when Peridot runs her mouth at Yellow Diamond. They must have some kind of bond. The Pearls wouldn't say no to their Diamonds and would do anything for them because they probably love them and the Diamonds probably know this. If the Diamonds were that cruel then wouldn't they ask their pearls to complete unreasonable tasks? Because they don't, their tasks are very easy and don't ask too much of them when they know fine well that their Pearls would follow them to ends of the universe. Also it is probably seen and viewed as unprofessional to loose your temper at something as little as a Pearl or to treat them with cruelty, the Diamonds probably see it as acting very juvenile and petty. Of course this would come from a pretty gemist(?) View that getting angry at something so harmless as a Pearl is pointless and if your Pearl makes mistakes it just means you are an inefficient owner and are blaming them for your own mistakes, as they are viewed as stupid of course to the Diamonds a pearl who is stupid must have a stupid owner and if there is something the Diamond's don't like is a gem who is stupid or for them to appear as if they are stupid. A regular pearl on the other hand is, yes probably treated like shit behind closed doors or around gems who don't have the balls to tell on them, its probably something the Diamonds would frown down upon as the Diamonds, Yellow Diamond in particular seem to dislike petty behavior and outright sneer at it. To put into perspective, upper crust gems are less likely to be nasty to Pearls than a more common gem. A Sapphire for example is probably quite nice to a Pearl, they are patient and calm gems from what we have seen and Rebecca Sugar claims that they are kinda like Zelda. So a Sapphire would probably see it as obscene or dirty to abuse a Pearl as it is probably a practice among more common gems and common gems = stupid gems. Going back to my theory up above it would make sense as to why a Sapphire would be perfectly pleasant and why someone like Holly Blue Agate would be quite vicious or passive aggressive, since she has a same rank as a Quartz. Aquamarine is another good example. She is extremely proud yet snarky. If her Pearl were to make a mistake she would most likely make a sarcastic remark but let it go, but since Aquamarine believes she is the best then she would probably reason that a Pearl made for her would have to be the best Pearl who would not ever make a mistake. These are just my own theories and things to consider. I don't think the Diamonds are all that bad and I think there's something else going on and it is to do with WD. Part of me thinks that both YD and BD are terrified of WD. I think YD knows that WD got rid of Pink and can't have Blue finding out because 1) she was threatened by WD and 2) Homeworld would fall apart. Homeworld is about to fall apart as Blue and Yellow Diamond have emotional breakdowns. As much as YD seems like, she likes to work I don't think she likes the weight on her shoulders. YD scoffs and rolls her eyes a lot as if she is fed up with her subjects, specifically brown nosing but also them just being ridiculous in the first place. I think this is because YD expresses love with actions rather than words. When Yellow sees how other gems treat those lower than her like shit basically only for them to kiss her feet, Yellow might view words as meaningless which is probably why she hates brownnosers. This also suggests that White might say some things that are hurtful to her and Blue which could make her think that all words said to her are empty and hold no value. Yellow shows love through actions, specifically her love for Blue and her mercy for Peridot. Let's first take Peridot as an example, Peri is a lower caste gem. Just a little technician who happened to destroy a whole ship, loose Lapis and Yellow's prized Jasper and yet Yellow Diamond was still willing to send out a ship to pick up Peridot when its clear that there is a resource crisis on Homeworld. Not only that but she then sends a Ruby Squad out to go get Pink Diamond's Jasper before Earth blows up. Yellow Diamond cares about her subjects, so much so that in the views of perhaps White Diamond she is wasting resources and should just leave them to die, I mean if I were the ruler of Homeworld and I wanted a strict system I would think this. Yellow Diamond has also shown her love for Blue by listening to her, dressing more formally to visit Pink Diamond's Zoo, placing her hands on Blue Diamond's shoulders when Steven accidentally makes her break down. Yellow has picked up the slack for her, that is very clear 'where's their Diamond when they need her Blue? You've got to be a leader Blue!' Which says to me that YD is telling her that there's only so much work she can do for BD and only so much time until someone notices her slacking. So perhaps Yellow does her work so White doesn't notice and reprimand her for it. And Yellow Diamond doesn't want Blue Diamond to be any more distressed than she already is so she tries to speed up her grieving process so no one notices. Blue Diamond should definitely not be in a position of authority as she is too mentally unstable, she needs a break and quite clearly does not want to deal with her job right now. It seems as if both the Diamonds do not want to do their job the way they are doing it. Blue Diamond seems like a gem who probably would not want to purge planets, she seems like a peacekeeper, she doesn't like conflict, this is evidenced by her loosing her temper at Yellow for silencing the Zircons because she didn't like what they had to say. Blue Diamond got mad because she is tired of Yellow getting angry and causing conflict. 'Can't you restrain yourself!?' As if to say just stop fighting for five minutes and listen, this is important, its important to me! Another piece of evidence is when Blue runs away from the battle in the sky arena to protect herself but also to stay away from the conflict. She was so relieved when she was told that the war was soon going to be over, she obviously does not like fighting. So why would a gem who hates war want to purge planets and start more potential wars, it doesn't make sense. It seems as if these two gems and probably Pink Diamond were forced into their jobs just because of their gem type yet their personalities suit either a different job or ruling a society that isn't so ridged and toxic. I think Pink Diamond got killed because she tried to utilize the planet without disrupting the Eco system or found a way to manufacture gems without sucking the life out of planets (they could just use a fertilizer but that's another post for another time) and I don't think White Diamond liked this Diamond who seemed to not be as whipped as the other two so before she could get to Yellow and Blue all the way with her ideas White quickly silenced her and got rid of her and didn't tell ANY of her era 2 subjects about the gem war or that Pink even existed. She was removed from every artifact and logo, from the minds of younger gems, told not to speak about her, it was as if she never existed and is probably why Blue is desperately clinging onto what is left of her and why Yellow is trying to destroy it. Yellow loves Pink Diamond too so it doesn't make sense, it makes a lot more sense when you think that White is threatening her and is basically saying 'get rid of it all or else'. These are my thoughts and I like them because angst. I kinda hope I'm right because this would be so dramatic and juicey and would explain a lot of actions that do not make sense. Most of this is speculation but its fun so whatever.