#but her non-songwriting writing has always been fairly standard to me

[itspileofgoodthings]

okay but Taylor’s prologue made me cry.

[obtusemedia]

In Ascending Order: Ranking Every Lady Gaga Song

Since disappearing from the spotlight for a few years after her third full-length album ARTPOP failed to capture the public’s imagination in 2013, Lady Gaga has has returned in a major way recently. A record-setting Super Bowl performance, destroying her Coachella headlining set (yes, she only was offered the position only after Beyoncé dropped out, but IT’S STILL A BIG DEAL OKAY), rocking the Oscars twice (and impressing living legend Julie Andrews), even being nominated for an Oscar...the Mother Monster has had a busy couple years. 

Gaga even released a new album this past fall, Joanne,although it wasn’t a mega-smash like her first three records. However, the pop charts are really grayscale right now, so the very technicolor Gaga getting another hit in 2016 was unlikely anyways. Katy Perry, Lorde and Beyoncé’s new singles underperformed (or in Katy’s case, straight-up flopped...at least Lorde and Beyoncé have massive critical acclaim) on the charts in the past year too, so don’t blame the Mother Monster for not sounding like Lil Uzi Vert (although that would be awesome).

With all this renewed energy in Gaga’s career, I figured now would be a fantastic time to pay tribute to my favorite pop artist of all time. Without this avant-garde diva, I might have continued to ignore mainstream pop music when I was in high school, and given how stellar Top 40 was during the turn of the decade, that would’ve been a massive shame.

This is my personal ranking of every Lady Gaga song, with a few caveats:

1) No bonus tracks, just like the Kanye song ranking. I apologize that I won’t get to share my thoughts on — yes, this song exists — “Black Jesus/Amen Fashion,” but if the Mother Monster didn’t want these songs on the proper album release, they aren’t going on this list.

2) I’m not including her collab album with Tony Bennett, Cheek To Cheek. Partly because they’re covers of standards, but mostly because I’m really, really not a fan of pre-rock n’ roll pop, and it would be boring to have most of those songs clog up the bottom of the list.

3) No songs where Gaga is only a featured artist. Sorry, Beyoncé and...uh, Wale.

Let’s dive in!

#64: “Gypsy” (ARTPOP, 2013)

I normally love Gaga in Springsteen-worship mode, but “Gypsy” was a colossal misfire. There’s no hook to grab onto, and although I normally don’t mind Stefani’s somewhat corny lyrics, this one is just too loaded with clichés for me. The overt sincerity of “Gypsy” is horribly out of place compared to the rest of ARTPOP’s neon-splattered drugged-out vibe, and let’s not forget her (sorry for using this played-out word, but it’s the only one that works here) cringe-y attempt to use her trademark stutter lyrics during the coda: “I’m-I’m-I’m/a gypsy-gypsy-gypsy-gypsy.” Gaga has blander songs, but none that make me as angry as “Gypsy,” which sounds like a cheap knockoff of her Born This Way classics.

#63: “Paper Gangsta” (The Fame, 2008)

Honestly, I don’t even mind the super-dated production here. It’s Gaga’s auto-tune rapping that drives me bonkers. Can you at least stay on beat?

#62: “Boys Boys Boys” (The Fame)

Lady Gaga (to record executives): “Hey guys...thanks for releasing my debut album and all, but why do you insist on throwing in all these filler tracks at the end?”

Record Execs: *while chomping cigars* “You know how it is, Miss Gaga: 14 songs is the norm for pop albums. There’s gonna be some filler to reach that number, it’s just the way it goes.”

Gaga: “Right, okay, but there’s probably only 10 songs that are actually any good. Isn’t that enough? I mean, ‘Boys Boys Boys’ was just something I wrote as a joke and recorded for kicks. I literally rip off a line from that Randy Newman song about LA...”

Execs: “Make more hit songs and then you can make these decisions. For now, ‘Boys Boys Boys’ stays on. It tests well with the tween demographic.”

Gaga: “Ugh. Fine.”

Execs: “Also, how would you be down to work with this hot up-and-comer named Colby O’Donis? He’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake, we guarantee it!”

#61: “Sinner’s Prayer” (Joanne, 2016)

In which Gaga tries to get us to forget that she’s from Manhattan with this boring cowboy lullaby. I already don’t like acoustic guitar ballads, so this was never going to be a favorite of mine.

#60: “Mary Jane Holland” (ARTPOP)

I’m all for Gaga getting weird, but I’m really not sure we needed a Skrillex-biting dubstep anthem about smoking weed in Europe from her. Maybe Miley could’ve pulled this off, but this isn’t Gaga’s lane.

#59: “Come To Mama” (Joanne)

Father John Misty wrote this uncanny-valley version of a 70s soul tune, and he might have been able to salvage it himself by adding a bit of irony. When Gaga plays it straight, it just sounds like a song on some PBS Kids show. Not one of the good ones, either.

#58: “Money Honey” (The Fame)

You know how The Killers’ Hot Fuss is loaded with classics in the first-half, and then the second-half is the definition of pure filler? The Fame is the electropop equivalent. You will forget this boring “Just Dance” retread seconds after it ends.

#57: “So Happy I Could Die” (The Fame Monster, 2009)

Now we’ve reached the “just okay” tier. “So Happy I Could Die” isn’t bad enough to halt the groove of the near-perfect Fame Monster EP, but it’s still fairly forgettable.

#56: “Electric Chapel” (Born This Way, 2011)

The opening suggests that Gaga might go full metal here. Instead, it settles for pedestrian electro-pop with a few guitar chords (and an admittedly pretty awesome guitar solo) sprinkled in. Not dire by any means, but compared to Born This Way’s other iconic cuts, it doesn’t stand out.

#55: “Donatella” (ARTPOP)

This skewering of fashion magnate Donatella Versace peaks in the first 20 seconds with a wonderfully campy spoken-word intro: “I’m blonde, I’m skinny, I’m rich, and I’m a little bit of a bitch.” After that, it’s a boilerplate ARTPOP-era in-your-face EDM tune.

#54: “I Like It Rough” (The Fame)

Not a super-memorable song, but it has a few nice touches. The Chromeo-esque talkbox at the beginning is wonderful, and the lead synth riff is pretty catchy. One of the better filler tracks on The Fame’s second half.

#53: “Bloody Mary” (Born This Way)

Remember when Gaga was super into religious metaphors and symbolism? “Bloody Mary” is probably the most prominent example of this era, name-dropping Jesus and making references to being crucified. She even has robot monks chant “GAGA.” Unfortunately, the verses sound like she’s literally puking at the end of each line, but the chorus has a nice melody. She also lets loose a a blood-curdling scream at one point, which is always fun. All in all, it’s a mid-tier Born This Way cut.

#52: “The Fame” (The Fame)

I shouldn’t be surprised about how mediocre most of The Fame’s non-singles are, but it’s still disappointing. At least “The Fame” has a funky guitar groove to balance out the cliché lyrics and hookless chorus.

#51: “Beautiful, Dirty, Rich” (The Fame)

Don’t worry, we’re almost through the endless non-singles on The Fame...wait, hold on. Apparently this was a single. Well, it’s certainly not bad, but it definitely lacks the je ne sais quoi of the other singles. Solid production, I guess, if a bit underwhelming. Gaga herself outperforms the actual song.

#50: “Angel Down” (Joanne)

Ending Joanne, which is definitely Gaga’s comfort-food album, with a memorial tune for slain teen Trayvon Martin certainly was a bold move, and I give major props to Stefani for trying to write a song about the tense racial climate. However...it just feels a bit forced. File this under the “I respect it but don’t listen to it often” category.

#49: “Jewels N’ Drugs” feat. T.I., Too $hort, Twista (ARTPOP)

Hey kids! Did you want to hear Lady Gaga try to make a dubstep-trap fusion with three outdated rappers?! No? Too bad, it already happened. I know, ranking this above the very sincere “Angel Down” makes me a horrible human being, but this is one of the most entertaining garbage fires I’ve heard in my life. 

“Jewels N’ Drugs,” objectively, is Gaga’s worst song. It’s awkward, badly produced, and Gaga feels super out-of-place. But it gains so, so many points for being the most interesting musical roadside car crash of our generation. Also, having Twista do his motor-mouth routine can only make a song better. The worst thing a song can be is boring, and nobody would dare call “Jewels N’ Drugs” boring. Being shockingly misguided should keep “Jewels N’ Drugs” from going any further, unfortunately.

#48: “Americano” (Born This Way)

The Mother Monster takes a trip down south for this Mexican-flavored ode to eloping with another woman. Like “Jewels N’ Drugs,” it’s extremely clunky and awkward (“language” in Spanish definitely isn’t “language-oro,” Gaga), but also like that ARTPOP track, it’s too goofy to really hate. A relentless four-on-the-floor beat and some nice horn flourishes can’t hurt either.

#47: “Joanne” (Joanne)

Certainly the better of Joanne’s two acoustic tracks. This one, an ode to Stefani’s late aunt — named Joanne, of course — is touching and sweet. It almost feels like a dusty Carole King song. Although I don’t love the toned-down sound, it fits Gaga’s storyteller songwriting here.

#46: “ARTPOP” (ARTPOP)

Although most of ARTPOP is hyperactive and gaudy, the title track takes a cold, metallic detour. It’s not an all-time classic or anything, but the melody is sticky and it provides a nice breather from the harsh dubstep production.

#45: “Starstruck” ft. Flo Rida (The Fame)

This belongs in a museum exhibit about the year 2009 (yes, it came out in 2008 technically, but this is a dead ringer for ‘09). The auto-tune, the chirpy synths, a Flo Rida feature for some reason (apparently you can overdose on Starbucks): “Starstruck” symbolizes the best and worst of the end of the aughts. It’s probably not any better than the rest of The Fame’s filler, but I have a soft spot for it due to nostalgia.

#44: “Brown Eyes” (The Fame)

One of Gaga’s specialties is her piano ballads. Although “Brown Eyes” is a solid Queen-meets-Sara Bareilles pastiche, it’s probably still the worst of the series. Still a cute little love song with some nice guitar work, but she’d go on to achieve much greater heights with this style later in her career.

#43: “Bad Kids” (Born This Way)

Solid misfit anthem with a grimy 80s guitar riff sprinkled throughout. If Madonna decided to play dress-up as AC/DC, it would sound like this.

#42: “Alejandro” (The Fame Monster)

My least favorite of Gaga’s big hits. It’s certainly not bad by any means; the Ace of Base rhythm is fun, and the chorus certainly is an earworm. Still, compared to her other peak-era singles, it feels sort of non-essential and forgettable. This is far too normal for Gaga, and there’s a reason why this hasn’t had the shelf life of “Just Dance” or “Bad Romance.”

#41: “The Cure” (solo single, 2017)

Well, it’s been a couple months. What’s the verdict on Gaga’s new single, that flopped like many of her other recent singles? ...eh. It’s okay. Hopping on the whitewashed tropical-pop bandwagon that Bieber and Ed Sheeran have ridden to success might have been a smart financial move (except it didn’t work), but musically, it just doesn’t fit Gaga’s voice or songwriting style. I mean, come on Gaga...if you’re going to copy a current trend, why not try to sound like Lil Yachty? At least he’s fun.

#40: “Til It Happens To You” (solo single, 2015)

Gaga’s big Oscar-nominated anthem! A brave anthem denouncing rape culture! The lyrics are incredibly personal and powerful...it’s a shame that the music couldn’t match. It certainly tries, with drum fills and orchestral strikes galore, but it sometimes drowns out the piano and vocals. Stefani’s vocal performance is absolutely jaw-dropping, and it’s a bummer that the production overpowers her. The live performance at the Academy Awards was much, much more powerful. 

Honestly, it probably should’ve won the Oscar (Sam Smith’s Bond theme was boring as hell), but unfortunately it isn’t in the upper echelon of Gaga ballads. Still, I’m not sure Gaga’s ever written a more important song, lyrically speaking.

#39: “Hey Girl” ft. Florence Welch (Joanne)

Let me get this straight: You get Florence Welch on a song. Florence Welch, AKA the greatest British singer of her generation (sorry, Adele), who can demolish buildings with her voice. Florence Welch, who’s the queen of the apocalyptic power ballad and makes every breakup sound like Satan himself is behind her pain. And you stick her on a “Benny and the Jets” rewrite? I mean, “Benny and the Jets” is a great song (although Elton’s done better in terms of goofy pop), and “Hey Girl” works as an interpolation of that groove to empower women and all, but this feels like a misuse of Florence. She barely gets to belt! Next time, if you’re going to semi-cover a baby boomer classic, can you do one that suits her skill set? “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” perhaps?

#38: “Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)” (Born This Way)

We’ve now reached the part of the countdown where every song is top-notch. “Highway Unicorn” answers the question of what would happen if Bob Seger overdosed on mushrooms and ecstasy and tried to write a normal Bob Seger road trip anthem. It’s ridiculous, horribly overproduced, and somehow still wonderful.

#37: “Dancing in Circles” (Joanne)

Gaga making a winking ode to masterbation is pretty out of place on the rest of the grandma-friendly Joanne, but it’s a nice detour. The slinky Palm Springs vibe courtesy of Beck, who co-wrote the track, is welcome and adds a new style to Gaga’s catalogue.

#36: “Swine” (ARTPOP)

This is the Mother Monster’s most overt foray into EDM, with a mind-melting bass-drop included. However, this is less Swedish House Mafia and more Nine Inch Nails in its transgressive imagery — comparing your lover to a literal pig is a little gross, admittedly — and incredibly aggressive sound. The synths aren’t shiny and clean: they sound like jackhammers, lazer guns, and a rollercoaster going up a hill. Somehow, this works despite the incredibly unpleasant imagery. Probably because it makes for an incredible workout song.

#35: “Heavy Metal Lover” (Born This Way)

Unfortunately, Gaga doesn’t dive deep into actual heavy metal here, but like “Swine,” “Heavy Metal Lover” feels grimy and dirty. It’s arguably the singer’s most sexual song from her early career, and really captures a visceral vibe that’s hard to find in most of Gaga’s brighter, more-polished hits. Back in 2011, it sounded super experimental. Now that most Top 40 has ventured into a darker direction, it just sounds like a portent of hits to come.

#34: “Teeth” (The Fame Monster)

Pitchfork described “Teeth” as Gaga’s version of a Christina Aguilera song, and I’m not going to be able to beat that. I’ll just add this: “Teeth” sounds way, way better than 95% of Aguilera’s tunes, because Stefani was a theater geek in high school. She can do this vaudeville throwback sound in her sleep.

#33: “Aura” (ARTPOP)

There couldn’t be a better opening to the demented funhouse mirror that is ARTPOP than this bonkers track. “Aura” begins with Gaga detailing how she murdered her ex. After that, she laughs manically over Spanish guitar. Then the beat drops, and all chaos breaks loose.

Opening the already-very-weird ARTPOP with arguably its weirdest track was a bold move, and although whether or not you like “Aura” depends completely on how much you can stomach avant-garde, whacked-out Gaga (the same applies to its parent album). Luckily, I prefer my Gaga to be completely insane, so “Aura” is a perfect album opener.

#32: “Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)” (The Fame)

“Eh, Eh” is the audio equivalent of ice cream and puppies. This bubblegum tune is the exact opposite of “Heavy Metal Lover” and “Swine” in the best ways possible, and I’d be willing to bet Carly Rae Jepsen ghostwrote this. Cherry cherry boom boom!

#31: “Fashion!” (ARTPOP)

Doesn’t quite top the Bowie classic of the same name, it still captures the main attribute that any song about fashion should have: a killer strutting grove built for catwalks. Besides, who better than our era’s most unique dresser to write a tune about the power of fancy clothes?

#30: “Government Hooker” (Born This Way)

This serves as the one-song preview for ARTPOP and all its over-the-top ridiculousness. I mean that in the best way possible, of course: Any song that features someone yelling “HOOOOOOOKAAAAAH” on the chorus and contains the platonic ideal of a so-bad-it’s-brilliant line (in this case, “put your hands on me/John F. Kennedy”) is an instant camp classic in my book. The maddeningly catchy hook and sinister production almost make it legitimate.

#29: “MANiCURE” (ARTPOP)

Power pop is one of the most under-appreciated genres. For those who don’t know: This is when you have a super-sticky bubblegum pop anthem, and beef it up with massive, crunchy guitars. You definitely know a few examples. “MANiCURE” is a perfect update of that sound. Cheap Trick are kicking themselves that they didn’t write this.

#28: “Judas” (Born This Way)

Yes, I’m aware that “Judas” has a toxic reputation as being Gaga’s first major flop single, and it certainly does rip off “Bad Romance.” Here’s the thing: I don’t really care. If you’re going to rip yourself off, rip off one of your classics! Bruno Mars stole “21K Magic” from “Uptown Funk,” and it works because the skeleton of the former is built around a modern classic. I feel the same way here. Also, it’s just so silly and overblown, like the best Gaga singles. It’s a guilty pleasure, sorry!

#27: “Million Reasons” (Joanne)

I hate most country, but I love a classic piano ballad. “Million Reasons” combines both, plus lots of religious pleading, into a song that somehow feels both very staged, and yet very touching. Not Gaga’s finest adventure on the keys, but it’s still miles better than most recent attempts to use this formula.

#26: “LoveGame” (The Fame)

“Disco stick” is the greatest penis euphemism ever created. Don’t fight me on this. The rest of the song is a solid late-aughts banger, but disco stick is what will keep “LoveGame” in the public consciousness for years to come.

#25: “A-YO” (Joanne)

If all of Joanne seamlessly blended country motifs and sounds with pop production and melodies like this, I probably would’ve liked the album a whole lot more. Also, remember when she used this song to shade The Chainsmokers? Good times.

#24: “Hair” (Born This Way)

“Hair” is a litmus test to see how much of Born This Way’s bombastic cheese you can handle: Are you not cool with a chorus that proudly proclaims, “I AM MY HAIR?” Does the cliché-yet-classic story of a misfit running away from her disapproving parents make you smirk? Do the bright saxophone flourishes give you flashbacks to the worst of late-80s pop (same with the loud synths and early-10s pop)? If you answered yes to all of those, “Hair” isn’t for you. Go listen to something ~serious~ like J. Cole or whatever. For those of us that actually like fun and wish pop music still sounded as dorky and over-the-top as it did in 1987, “Hair” is perfect.

#23: “Applause” (ARTPOP)

Friendly reminder that this song, which unfortunately has been lost to the sands of time, absolutely bangs and is probably the most accessible song on ARTPOP. This could’ve been another smash hit, but nope. Y’all chose Katy Perry’s worst single instead (yes, worse even than “Bon Appetit”). Only Gaga could write a song about how she loves it when people worship her and not sound absolutely insufferable.

#22: “Dope” (ARTPOP)

After an entire album of hedonism, drug freakouts, and day-glo splashes of sound, Gaga takes things way, way down a notch with “Dope,” an album that reveals that ARTPOP’s wacky chaos sounded out-of-control for a reason: She was suffering from a very real drug addiction at the time. “Dope” is a haunting, extremely powerful song in which Gaga decides to give up the drugs for love. Produced by one of the GOATs, Rick Rubin, it’s both minimalist (in terms of the sound being just piano and a few synth flourishes) and maximalist (Stefani goes full Meatloaf in her bombastic vocal performance). Not going to find many piano ballads better than this in most pop stars’ arsenals. And it’s not even Gaga’s best in the subgenre.

#21: “Dance In The Dark” (The Fame Monster)

The fact that this 80s-pop jam was shafted as the single in favor of the just-okay “Alejandro” is a crime. “Dance In The Dark” is a stuttering, forceful dancefloor anthem that’s all about female empowerment. Yes, that sounds like Gaga bingo (she even name drops a super-famous icon, in this case Princess Diana), but it’s surprisingly touching, and of course, it’s a total jam.

#20: “John Wayne” (Joanne)

See “AY-O” above, but even better. This is what The Fame would’ve sounded like if Gaga was from Austin and not Manhattan.

#19: “Sexxx Dreams” (ARTPOP)

I will defend ARTPOP until the day I die, and a huge reason is the maligned album’s showstopper first half. There’s not a weak track in the first seven songs to be found (okay, “Jewels N’ Drugs” is so-bad-it’s-good, but I’m counting that), and it bounces from one electrifying synthpop banger to the next. In that lineup, the kinky, jittery “Sexxx Dreams” isn’t one of the very best, but it would be an easy single on any other pop album. The transition to the nervous verses to the synth explosion on the chorus is seamless. Probably as close as Gaga came to classic new wave.

#18: “Scheibe” (Born This Way)

Gaga’s other major excursion into another country’s pop music on Born This Way, “Americano,” is fun, but the mix of early-’10s synthpop and Mexican stylings is a bit clunky. However, the Mother Monster slips into sleek German industrial techno like a glove. “Scheibe” (which means “shit” in German, fun fact) sounds like Madonna-goes-to-Berlin, as Stefani’s robotic German chants eventually morph into a four-on-the-floor jam with a soaring chorus. It’s technically about female empowerment, but it’s really about Gaga getting her ‘90s dance groove on.

#17: “Summerboy” (The Fame)

For some reason, Gaga thought recording a Strokes soundalike in 2008, about 6 years after the New York legends’ peak, was a good idea. Thank god she pulls it off. 

The pop-rock groove is slick, timeless, and the Mother Monster is more than willing to vamp it up like Debbie Harry. This was a brief moment where Gaga actually sounded somewhat like a *gasp* normal person, and although it obviously didn’t last, it is an interesting —and catchy — look at what could’ve been if she decided to go down the Gwen Stefani route instead of the Madonna one. There’s something beautifully nostalgic and bittersweet about “Summerboy,” and I’m shocked that one of The Fame’s boilerplate non-singles is lowkey one of Gaga’s best love songs.

#16: “Poker Face” (The Fame)

The only thing holding back “Poker Face” from a top 10 spot is that it’s a bit repetitive, which is a pet peeve of mine. Still, “p-p-p-pokerface” is one of the most maddening earworms of my generation, and Gaga deserves endless props for sneaking a song about bisexuality onto the top of the charts before LGBT support was mainstream (at least, to the point that it is now). It’s a killer electropop jam that let the world know that Gaga wasn’t going to disappear after one hit.

#15: “G.U.Y.” (ARTPOP)

Another first-half ARTPOP club banger for the ages. The buzzsaw synth riff is infectious (produced by Zedd of all people) and Gaga’s winking sexuality perfectly toes the line between ridiculous and excessively ridiculous. “Touch me, touch me, don’t be sweet/Love me, love me, please retweet” might have made some people groan, but it just makes me laugh. Pop songs are supposed to be cheesy, right? “G.U.Y.” fits that bill, complete with Gaga unleashing her metal wail during the outro again. For someone like me who loves pop music with a splash of weirdness, “G.U.Y.” is an underrated gem.

#14: “Bad Romance” (The Fame Monster)

I know, I know, leaving what is arguably Gaga’s signature song out of the Top 10 is blasphemy. Let me make this clear: “Bad Romance” is still a 9/10, classic pop song. No doubt about it. However, I think its reputation has been bolstered by being coupled with the greatest music video of the 21st century (apologies to OK Go, Kendrick Lamar, M.I.A., and Angel Olsen). 

If I’m being honest with myself, “Bad Romance” just doesn’t give me the same thrill as it did back in late 2009. Maybe it’s because it takes a while to truly get going: The bridge going into the final chorus, when Gaga finally unleashes her vocal cannons (“I DON’T WANNA BE FRIIIIIIENDS”) gives me goosebumps, but it feels like the first two-thirds are just solid Gaga single material. Still a classic, but it doesn’t get me hyped anymore.

#13: “Monster” (The Fame Monster)

Songs about dealing with a hot jerk are a pop staple, and “Monster” is a pitch-perfect update of that trope. Well, maybe ‘update’ isn’t a great word, seeing as the turn-of-the-decade production is fairly dated now, but 2009 was a fantastic year for pop, so it’s not an issue. This is during the time when Gaga’s non-singles were just as strong — or even stronger — than the hits, and “Monster” could’ve easily climbed the charts with its evocative imagery and patented stuttering lyrics if Gaga chose to release it. Since she didn’t, it remains a hidden gem for Little Monsters.

#12: “Diamond Heart” (Joanne)

One of Gaga’s favorite musical wells to draw from is Bruce Springsteen, so I was a bit surprised when Joanne, her homage to heartland rock/country, didn’t seem to have much influence from the Jersey legend. However, opener “Diamond Heart” settles for the next best thing to emulate: Tom Petty! Opening with the three descriptors “young, wild, American,” and going on describing Gaga’s rough-scabble upbringing to stardom (ironic, given that she grew up wealthy on the Upper East Side…whatever, the song still works). The chorus is soaring, the guitars squeal, and the dusty rock groove could easily fit in at any dive bar in Indiana. You gotta love a fake origin story.

#11: “Born This Way” (Born This Way)

Arguably the first major hit song to bluntly advocate for LGBT issues in the U.S., “Born This Way” will go down as one of our generation’s most influential civil rights anthems. Yes, I’m still talking about the song with a video where Gaga gives birth to an alien and dances around with a skeleton. The cluttered production has aged badly, but Gaga’s passion for the subject overpowers any shortcomings the sound might have. And yeah, the melody rips off Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” but you could frankly make the argument that Gaga improves upon that 1989 hit with more important lyrics. I guarantee you Madge herself would rush the dancefloor if “Born This Way” came on in the club. Gaga’s last #1 hit has maintained in the public consciousness for a damn good reason: Pair revolutionary lyrics with a (potentially stolen) sticky melody and a danceable beat, and you’ve got an instant classic on your hands.

#10: “Just Dance” ft. Colby O’Donis (The Fame)

First off, does anybody remember Colby O’Donis or remember who he even is? It’s a bit odd that this rando was featured on one of the biggest pop songs of the past decade, and yet I’ve never heard another thing from him. Probably for the best...his warbly verse is fairly non-descript.

Luckily, it doesn’t derail Mother Monster’s introduction to the pop world. It’s impossible to describe how fast Gaga went from being an unknown to the most famous singer on the planet within half a year, and part of that obviously has to do with her electrifying videos and provocative image, which was a breath of fresh air after a ballad-stuffed 2008 pop scene. However, if “Just Dance” wasn’t as catchy, memorable, and disoriented as it was, Gaga might still be some unknown floundering around the bottom half of the Hot 100.

“Just Dance” has aged amazingly well nine years later, and the ode to desperately clinging to the remains of a dying party should last forever as long as people still have parties (or junior high formals).

#9: “Perfect Illusion” (Joanne)

The fact that this song flopped as hard as it did last fall still irritates me. Oh, I’m sorry, do you people not like stone-cold bangers anymore?! Y’all deserve Meghan Trainor and Machine Gun Kelly.

Seriously though, “Perfect Illusion” sounds better with every listen. The psych rock-meets-EDM production is both hypnotic and a pure adrenaline rush. Stefani is using her full hair-metal vocals, screaming the chorus with everything she’s got. She even throws in a weird accent, just for kicks: “IT WASN’T LAHHHHHVE!” I know that there’s a decent amount of Little Monsters who don’t like this, and prefer the quieter, more personal side of Joanne, but as someone who prefers Gaga (and pop in general) at her most bombastic, “Perfect Illusion” is the perfect comeback single that never was.

#8: “Speechless” (The Fame Monster)

The perfect Gaga song for those who don’t like Gaga!

Jokes aside, “Speechless” is a masterclass in 70s piano balladry. Surrounded by the rest of the metallic synthpop on The Fame Monster, “Speechless” feels like a random Elton John cover, but nope, it’s a Mother Monster original. One of Gaga’s more underrated traits is her knack for lyrical details, and the way she describes this heartbreaker is so specific, you can probably picture him right now. In a way, it’s like how a great author would make his/her characters come to life simply using descriptors. He’s got “James Dean glossy eyes.” He weaves “cigarette-stained lies.” He “slurred at [her]/with your half-wired broken jaw.” It’s like something out of a Carly Simon song.

“Speechless” is easy to love, which explains why it’s always been a fan favorite despite never being released as a single. Gaga is a great show-woman, and when she eventually gets that Vegas residency, “Speechless” will bring the house down every time. It will likely sound just as timeless 50 years from now as it did back in 2009.

#7: “Venus” (ARTPOP)

In a weird way, “Venus” might be just as timeless as “Speechless,” although you’d never guess that on first listen. There’s a pounding techno beat and Gaga is in full ARTPOP-era weirdness with her space-age lyrics and her usage of at least four or five different goofy voices — hardly the stuff of The Beatles.

Still, listen again: The structure of “Venus” is incredibly simple. The chorus uses the timeless four-chords. The beat and astronomically-themed lyrics are futuristic, but in a retro way, sort of like 80s new wave (which has mostly aged surprisingly well). “Venus” is a classic pop song that could’ve come from 1955, 1985, or 2055. Replace the propulsive synths — which literally sound like a space shuttle launching at points, which adds to the force of the track — with the pop stylings of any other era, and it would fit right in. That’s what makes Gaga so talented: She has a knack for unbelievably sticky pop songwriting, and she’s able to mold that skill set to whatever oddball soundscapes she chooses. “Venus” is simply the most obvious, and possibly the best, example of this. Imagine how much better Elvis would’ve been if he had a sledgehammer of a beat like this to back him up.

Also, she makes a Uranus joke, and the junior high boy in me still finds that hilarious. Sorry.

#6: “Marry The Night” (Born This Way)

In Mother Monster’s best album opener, the diva decides to go full Pat Benatar: Visceral rock choruses! An underdog narrative! Yet it still has a pop sensibility that even the catchiest Springsteen songs lack. This would’ve easily been the biggest song of 1982, and 100% deserves to be on a Rocky soundtrack.

Although there are a few Gaga songs that are better (obviously, we still have five to go), the final 45 seconds of “Marry The Night” is the greatest moment she will likely ever produce. Crunchy guitars clash with buzzsaw synths, all on top of a gargantuan dance beat. Over all of this is Gaga in full-rockstar mode, wailing away at the moon as she climbs to the top of the world. It’s the sort of moment that FORCES you to crank your stereo up to its loudest volume. It might destroy your speakers, but at least you destroyed them in the name of rock n’ roll. Please Gaga, do a metal album. I beg you.

#5: “Paparazzi” (The Fame)

“Paparazzi” is the thesis statement of early Gaga: Fame is deadly, yet it matters more than anything else. Stalkers aren’t creepy, they’re just another aspect of fame to be immortalized and celebrated, like a giant mansion or a yacht.

While some other pop stars might try to play “Paparazzi” straight, legitimately trying to make the tale of a paparazzo forcing herself onto a celebrity somehow romantic, Gaga highlights and revels in the ick-factor of it all. The cold, robotic synths lack any emotion, even lust. The narrator simply knows she wants this man, and she won’t let anything stop her from reaching her goal. Switch out a few words, and it could be about a serial killer.

Yet, somehow, despite the obvious sketchiness, “Paparazzi” is one of the catchiest and most pure pop songs Gaga has ever written, and it’s probably aged the best out of all her early singles. The metallic synth groove, the odd lyrics, the obsession with celebrity culture: There isn’t a better representation of the Mother Monster’s early days.

#4: “The Edge of Glory” (Born This Way)

Remember what I said about the last 45 seconds of “Marry The Night?” What if Gaga turned that into a full song? It’s your lucky day! That song exists, and it’s “The Edge of Glory.”

I’m not sure if “Edge” is considered top-tier Gaga or not, but I was instantly hooked the first time I heard it in May 2011. This song is another one of Born This Way’s timeless-yet-drenched-in-80s-nostalgia cuts, and it’s easily the best example of those. I mean, for God’s sake, she got Clarence freakin’ Clemens on the solo. For those of you who don’t know who Clarence Clemons is, first, call your parents and chastise them for not raising you properly. Secondly, listen to “Jungleland” (yes, all ten minutes, it’s good for you).

I shouldn’t even need to explain why “Edge of Glory” is a classic. What, do I need to explain what makes “Hey Jude” or “Juicy” great, too? Just listen, dance, headbang, sing-along, and lose yourself in Gaga’s best rock-synthpop fusion.

#3: “Yoü and I” (Born This Way)

Goddamn, I love Gaga’s Springsteen’s pastiches. I can’t think of another major pop diva, past or present, who could pull off such rock-star swagger as Gaga does on “Yoü and I.” It even has a bit of country twang; If Florida-Georgia Line accidentally wrote a genius power ballad, it would sound exactly like this.

The “We Will Rock You” thump, the interplaying E Street Band piano and AC/DC guitars, and the John Cougar-esque blue-collar lyrics all combine into a beautiful, weird soup of classic rock clichés that somehow, magically works. Gaga even gets Queen’s guitarist, Brian May, to contribute some guitar licks and a solo for extra credibility.

“Yoü and I” is proof that dad rock isn’t just limited to dads: Meat dress-wearing pop divas can take a crack at the formula, too. You’ll never find a better ode to Nebraska.

#2: “Do What U Want” (ft. R. Kelly) (ARTPOP)

“Do What U Want” is a brilliant bait-and-switch move. At first glance, it’s just a simple club banger about sex. It’d be a damn good one too: Bouncy synths, slamming bass, and both R. Kelly and Gaga giving career-highlight performances. 

However, Gaga isn’t telling a hookup to do what they want with her body. She’s talking about the media. Yes, “Do What U Want” is actually a middle-finger to the press, who she was starting to get sick of by this point. The paparazzi had shifted roles from Gaga’s inspiration to her enemy. Actually listening to Gaga’s lyrics make the message pretty clear: “I get up/and I’m okay/but you print some shit that makes me wanna scream.” 

Stefani is cool with the press oversexualizing her and making jokes about meat dresses; She understands that’s unfortunately part of the popstar game. What she objects to is the media coming after her personal life and her views. “You can’t stop my voice/cause you don’t own my life/but do what you want to my body.”

Of course, the message is muddled when R. Kelly twists the song back to the more blunt meaning: He’s gonna do whatever he wants to your body. Kinda sleazy (I mean, it is R. Kelly), but he SELLS it. There’s just something so visceral about him screaming “WE DON’T GIVE A FUUUUUUUCK” at the end of his verse.

So yeah, “Do What U Want” is a banger with an actual message. It’s both sensual and righteously pissed. In a just world, it would have been just as massive of a smash as the number one song on this list...

#1: “Telephone” feat. Beyoncé (The Fame Monster)

The two most important pop stars of our generation came together and produced a simple dance-pop number that wound up becoming the pinnacle of both artists’ careers. 

“Telephone” is the platonic ideal for electropop. It perfectly straddles the fence between too much tastelessness and just enough. There hasn’t been a better Gaga stutter hook than “Stop telephoning me-eh-eh-eh-eh,” sounding just like a busy line. Beyoncé absolutely KILLS her verse, slowing the beat down for a second, making me wish she made more pop cameos. 

The whole production is a blurry mess of sizzling keyboards, an incessant beat that tells you — no, DEMANDS you — to never stop dancing, a Greek chorus, swirling disco strings, and two all-time greats singing over the hook like it’s no big deal. I’m not sure there’s another pop song out there that feels this propulsive as “Telephone;” It whirrs and pops with energy at every second. It manages to make dealing with the simple inconvenience of a phone going off at the club seem like a struggle of Herculean proportions.

This is the Watch The Throne of pop music. Two icons in their primes. This is like if Michael Jackson and Prince teamed up in 1984. Or if the Bee Gees and Abba collaborated in 1978. Or if Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain jammed together in 1993 (we did get Eddie and Chris Cornell together though, which is pretty cool nonetheless). It’s highly unlikely we’ll ever see two giants of pop collaborate like this ever again, or if we do, it’ll probably be lame, like The Chainsmokers feat. Ed Sheeran or something. 

“Telephone” is the best Lady Gaga song. “Telephone” is the best Beyoncé song. And “Telephone” is one of the best pop songs of all time. Don’t believe me? Add it to your next party playlist. See how people react. It’s the early-’10s dancefloor banger to end all dancefloor bangers. And all because Gaga and Bey forgot to put their phones on mute.

Also, the video is a beautiful/ugly work of art that better wind up in the MoMA. Mass murder via sandwiches has never been more fun!