#but h.c. also has some capital t Traumas that hes talked about with me. but also i already know hes struggling

[geraskier]

actuallyyyy i can't stop thinking about that childhood memory of [redacted] being in my room and it's not new roomie's fault that i was triggered so bad but also i'm not really ok

and h.c. hooked up with some guy which ought to be fine but the idea of people in my immediate circle experiencing sexual desire makes me feel sick. not in a contempt way but in a way where it feels like a threat. bc me being the subject of or even adjacent to the subject of someone's desire or attraction hasn't historically been safe. what if people ask for more than i want to give, and i can't say no, bc being rejected is worse than asserting boundaries, and they keep asking and i keep agreeing and then either i never say no to them again or i snap and push them away bc i internalize everything. (this is so self-centered & it presumes way too much about the way h.c. thinks about me!) and/or i have a crushing fear of abandonment and if i'm not good enough to be the only person someone wants to be around then what am i even doing? (this is irrational.)

also honestly. h.c. said they're "almost completely" ace and they're allowed to decide what that means, but given the last month or so i'm super concerned this is like. a bad sign w/rt their mental health. i don't know if it's acceptable for me to express concern bc it might just be something he does sometimes and it's fine; it might also be an expression of self-harm.

am just scared and small and hurting and not feeling especially able to alleviate any of it. if i weren't so emotionally constipated i would tell h.c. i need a hug bc i do, but even that amount of contact makes me anxious. literally ridiculous being this touch averse i used to platonically cuddle all the time! no one ever touch me again but also i think feeling safe cuddling someone would fix me.