#but god my raw reaction when i’m feeling crippling depressed over things is to just get aggressive

[professionaljester]

i’m coping so well i’m doing so well at keeping my mental health symptoms in check

[chasmfriend]

I am still not entirely sure how to put most of this into words. I won’t give a blow-by-blow account of all of my thoughts and reactions -- just the upsetting parts. The ones that almost made me give up on the series, and the ones that haunt me still. Much of it is deeply personal and I worry about being so vulnerable in this space, but I’m going to try anyway.

This is raw and very long.

(Despite how this will sound, I did not hate the book. This doesn’t capture all of my feelings towards it. Sometime I’ll talk about the things that I loved as well. There are many of those.)

Oathbringer reactions in detail below the cut. SPOILERS for the entire book.

When I first read The Way of Kings, I was thrilled to find an accurate portrayal of living with depression. The way Kaladin’s mind lies to him, the way that even if external things are going well, it doesn’t really change his mood. It’s not a cure. He can’t always control when he stumbles. That spoke to me, and is the main reason why that book became my favorite.

Then Words of Radiance came along. I found myself identifying with Shallan’s avoidance strategies as well, but instead of feeling happy about that, I was furious with her. I’ve worked hard to stop being avoidant and learn to deal with difficulty, and seeing those same behaviors in someone who is NOT learning to be better, only better ways of not facing things, really angered me. I’ve talked at length about her character and my frustrations with her.

So, when Oathbringer started with Shallan getting worse instead of suddenly being all fixed, I was delighted. She hadn’t earned a way out of the mess, after all, through one moment of confession at the end of WoR -- it should take time and effort to fix. Watching her fall to pieces because of her fragmenting herself gave me joy because it makes so much sense.

Then there’s Chapter 82, where Shallan talks with Wit in Muri’s house.

I know the place Shallan is. I know the regret and self-hatred she’s feeling. Not because I’ve been responsible for multiple deaths, but her emotional state rang true to me. It’s familiar.

Then this:

WIt stepped over to Shallan, then quietly folded his arms around her. She trembled, then twisted, burying her face in his shirt.

“You’re not a monster, Shallan,” Wit whispered. “Oh, child. The world is monstrous at times, and there are those who would have you believe that you are terrible by association.”

“I am.”

“No. For you see, it flows the other direction. You are not worse for your association with the world, but it is better for its association with you.”

I was moved by Wit’s concern. But he is wrong. Shallan IS actually worse for her association with the world. It is beating her up. She can’t handle it well. He acknowledged that earlier, and then downplays it here.

After that, Wit continues the story. He explains that “beyond the Wall was God’s light.”

The light brought hardship but also illumination. Wit justifies this by asking if Shallan would rather go back to not being able to see.

She says NO.

Aauggh. This is so frustrating to me.

Any avoidant person would so much rather go back to the time before light, because they are so focused on trying to escape the hardship that the sacrifice of the learning would actually be a good trade to them. I’m not saying it’s the correct perspective, but it is much more accurate psychologically than Shallan instantly deciding that The Suffering Is All Worth It, based on a few words from a tricksy not-Herald.

I have no complaints about Wit telling her to accept her failures and herself. There’s really not much else to do; we can’t change who we are and what we’ve done (which is a major theme of this book). Nothing to do other than accept it and keep trying to do better.

I hope this doesn’t end up being an instant fix for Shallan. This and her later conversation with Adolin felt so...inadequate to me.

I’m going to touch briefly on Dalinar’s character arc before I get to where I nearly gave up reading the Stormlight Archive altogether. He had escaped being haunted by his past as a way for him to grow into being a better person (this is brilliant -- well done, Cultivation), then his memories returned when he was able to deal with them. He was pained, but accepted the responsibility for what he’d done, accepted the pain as the cost for his actions, swore the next Ideal, and Ascended. So wonderful. I couldn’t identify with his path at all, but I applauded that it worked for him.

That’s a little dishonest. I’m honestly mad at Dalinar for figuring it out. He’s a totally different kind of person from Shallan, and from me, and he’s the kind who could figure this out a bit more easily. Following along with his recovered memories, seeing him crippled by the pain and regret, was brutal for me. Because I empathize with the pain but haven’t found the resolution, so when the characters work things out, I don’t always follow along with them and then I find their ability to figure it out and find peace, frustrating. It’s a shadow of a possibility for me, leaves me with the pain of the struggle without the catharsis. Instead of triumphant, I end up melancholy and kind of jealous.

A few days after I finished the book, I told my husband about what I was experiencing. He is much wiser than me, and doesn’t have the tendency towards avoidance that I have; he encourages me to be honest and face things. What he said in response to everything I tearfully told him, was so close to what Dalinar actually did in the book, that it annoyed me. (We both laughed about this.)

So, that was basically where I was as I read through to the end of the book. Very strong reactions, lots of rawness and pain.

What I should have done was stop reading for a few days. I should have spent some time getting back on my feet. The last thing I should have done was keep reading.

But when you’re in the middle of the avalanche, you don’t have a choice. I didn’t know what was ahead. I couldn’t have known, though I feel like I should have known better. I was not in a good place to deal with it.

Reminder that second only to Kaladin, my favorite Stormlight character is Renarin. I love his quiet steadiness, how supportive he is, how determined to do the right thing...

Renarin Kholin was a liar. He was no Truthwatcher.

...I could not believe it. This went against so much that I had believed in that my heart cracked and I got ANGRY. Did Brandon actually expect me to go along with this?...

It was such a deep betrayal that it tore me right out of the book. I didn’t care what was going on with Lift or Szeth or Kaladin. The Renarin parts were so far between, but I was frantic to get to them.

I was sure I was going to see Renarin, my lovely sweet boy, turned into an enemy and killed by Jasnah. I cannot describe how mad I was at Brandon for this.

We had been promised a Renarin POV in the book. And this is how it began:

Renarin Kholin knew he wasn’t actually a Knight Radiant.

WHAT. Just...what…

Everything was falling apart in me. This was not the world I thought it was.

I was sure in those moments that if Renarin died by Jasnah’s hand, I was done. I was not willing to grow so attached to a character I saw so much value in, only to have it ripped away.

I’ve read Sanderson before. I know that characters aren’t always as they appear. This was so different. I didn’t know I had this line drawn in me, and I felt that if Brandon crossed over it, I didn’t care to keep reading, because the risks were too high. It was too deep a cut.

I kept reading.

Jasnah didn’t kill Renarin. Brandon stepped right up to that line but didn’t step over it.

I suppose I should feel like it’s all okay then, but that unexpected rise of emotion, the horror and anger, I can’t explain what that did to me as a reader. The disillusionment persisted. The book ended, with moments where I should have felt triumph, but I was still reeling.

Did I like the book? It was a good book, I think, with lots of amazing parts. Teft’s journey was great. Kaladin’s not finding the Fourth Ideal was fantastic (I should probably explain this at some point). But I hated the experience of reading Oathbringer. It was dark and confused and left me angry and full of pain.  It brought up far too much feeling without resolving it. I don’t blame the book itself; it’s how it resonated with me on a personal level.

I am sure my perspective will be a bit clearer with rereads. Already, with several days of processing this monster, I feel better than I initially did towards it. But it was not the journey I had imagined.

[mayineverlosethewonder]

Mid chapter

Hi everyone! Been agessssss since I’ve updated. I think there’s so much going on that I can’t really update but am just going to talk to the best I can HAHAH 

Honestly been up and down since the last time I’ve updated. Much thoughts once again. Sometimes I wonder if my decisions involved God, or is it just plain logical thing or my moral? Let’s say if you have to make a decision between going to study and vs prayer meet, obviously would have to go for prayer meet but do I really do it out of knowing and praying that it is what God wants vs me knowing what I’m doing is right. Hmmmmm have I been involving God in my decision and thoughts process? Just a random thought HAHAHA  

That aside, serving in the kids ministry has blessed me so much once again (’: To be frank, God, I really do feel that I’m not fit for this. Much struggles as I have no idea what I am doing, what I am supposed to do and there are so many more people out there that are even more equipped, experienced and able to bring the children closer to You? And maybe letting them do it will be more beneficial for the children and more results? Thoughts like this have been crippling me and there are so many times that I feel like just giving up but cheong is just standing there, holding on, cause I know I have to withstand the waves and do what God has asked me to do. May not be the most perfect, most suited but am called by God and am going to try my best. Am glad that though every sunday I get depressing and down thoughts but ultimately, I do have to hand them to Jesus and just hold on. Am learning so much from the kids too. Had a mini game held by the host during service and one of my kid actually cried like mad despite not participating in the game but just because she lost. She was just saying how is it possible that we lost to someone younger, and not just once but everytime and how she always belong to the winner group. At the moment, as much as I was trying to tell her how God loves her regardless of winner or loser, everyone has their strengths and flaws etc, I just felt so hurt and sad? I don’t really know how to phrase it but woah, just how great our God loves us? So very much that His heart ache when we cry, so very much that each single individual of us matters to Him? I found myself speaking to her but very much speaking to myself too, cause regardless of who I am, there’s a God out there that really loves me and care for me. Wow. 

Work has been pretty meh. Looking back, omg I can’t believe I have actually worked for more than a year? Like omg, cheong actually survived more than one year of work? Good job really HAHAH but amidst that, cheong has been ranting and complaining like no tomorrow. Yes, I really complain and dread work but really realized that I’m very blessed. That I went through every single work station for a reason, not just for random reason? I guess looking back, I can really see God’s handprint all over? Super glad to see how 1 of my colleague actually came to accept Christ and how we are able to have conversations about God during work too. Am someone that is afraid to talk about God to others, but work really changed my perspective and it was a good training ground. Though work is ending but am glad that there’s another friend to continue my journey since he is taking over me. (’: Just so blessed to be placed here. Talking about blessing, am so blessed to have friends around me. All the friends out there, cheong is really just glad to have you by my side. Met up with some of the old friends and wow, am just glad that I have you in part of my journey thus far. Thank you for being the one that I can count on and for being one that I can share anything other the sky about and share my raw thoughts. Without you guys, I don’t think I will be who I am today too. (’: 

Water baptism is coming up in just 2 months time and I am scareddddddd. Just so unsure of what my parents’ reaction will be but have been fasting since feb. It’s really my wish to see them come and acknowledge my faith and really really really would be the best scenario. Just 2 more months but man, I have so much fear, so if you are reading this, please pray for me. I need tons of prayer HAHAHAHAH okay here’s all I will update till today, thanks for being so faithful God, you da’man.