#but god I slept and ate and showered and completed a lot of tasks shouldn’t I feel better now

[aptericia]

Not beating the half-dead blob of pond scum allegations

[artificialqueens]

Searching, Waiting, Looking -Ch08- (Trixya) - Pichitinha

A/N: hi hi hi!!! i’m nearly finished with this and to the possible but few readers i have in here i just wanted to say thank you for embarking on this journey with with me! you can find this as usual on AO3 and you can find me at @pichitinha. i hope you enjoy!

Summary: Of course Trixie will be the decorator to Shea’s wedding - with years of experience in her bag there’s no way she’ll leave her best friend hanging. Sure, she never intended for that to become practically a full-time job as the wedding planner alongside Sasha’s crazy best friend Katya, but hey, everything for your friends, right?

Chapter 8 - We’re all good, but we ain’t angels

Trixie’s always been a heavy sleeper who depends on an alarm clock to actually do things on time. She’s trained herself enough to wake up at the first sound and get up after one single snooze, however tired she might be, but she always sets an alarm if she has any appointment before noon.

Today, she wakes up at seven. Her eyes snap open as if she’s been shocked back into reality and it could be a dream she can’t remember but the point is she’s wide awake sooner than she has to be and it’s the first time in a really long while that this has happened. Her stomach is fluttering with something akin to anxiety and and she gives herself a few minutes to breathe deeply.

She’s meeting Katya today.

She grabs her phone from her nightstand and rolls around so that she’s facing the opposite side from the one Katya had slept in when she was there. Her heart tugs a little at the memory, but she forces her eyes closed for three seconds trying to get rid of the image. She has a better grasp of the situation now, which, granted, still doesn’t make things okay, but she’s more open to understanding it and anyway they are meeting in a couple of hours to hopefully figure things out. There’s no point in suffering right now.

She checks her phone and the light blinds her for a few seconds. It’s 7:16 and there are no new messages except for a stupid meme Kim sent her in what must have been the exact moment she woke up. It’s funny but Trixie is too anxious to fully appreciate it or to engage in any conversation right now so she just ignores it.

There are no messages from Katya, so at least she didn’t cancel their plans. Yet.

Trixie thinks she’s probably awake, always up early to go do her yoga and from time to time even run or go to the gym - where she finds the motivation Trixie will never understand, but she finds it hot that she does so. Which, obviously, is totally inappropriate and definitely not what Trixie wants to be thinking about right now. Focus!

She’s not tired at all and sees no point in staying in bed when she so antsy, so she gets up. She takes her time since she has it - she takes a long shower and washes every thread of hair, puts conditioner in twice until it’s soft and her curls are more defined, and then she lets her body dry naturally before putting on the outfit she’s picked - which, in itself, is a task that takes forever because she’s overthinking everything, doesn’t know how she should dress, what the encounter will be like, what they are at this point.

She doesn’t even know what she wants so say. What she wants to hear.

She’s completely ready to go at barely 08:30 and just stands awkwardly in her own hallway for five minutes considering what to do. She could just hang around her own place in nice clothes and makeup for an hour while feeling anxious and with nothing to do, or she could go out and maybe get some breakfast even though they’re going to a coffee shop. Getting fresh air sounds like a better idea than feeling trapped in her own apartment.

She walks aimlessly, trying to find a nice place to eat or anything else to do, really, and after she’s settled for a bagel and a latte from this hipster restaurant near her house, she lets her feet drag her around as each step releases some of her worries. She’s unbothered by where she’s going because she’s not in a hurry, has plenty of time to kill, so she simply wanders around until at some point she finds herself in a place she really isn’t sure she should be at: in front of Katya’s building.

She stops on her tracks, looks all around her wondering what the hell, Trixie? After several seconds just staring at the top of the building she tries going up three steps, but freezes and goes down again, stops in front of the staircase with her bottom lip between her teeth thinking about what to do. She could just turn around and go back home, breathe for like five minutes before going to the coffee shop. She could go straight to the café and have time to recompose herself. Or she could just wait there until Katya appeared and own up to the fact that she walked there.

Then, she hears behind her, “Trixie?”

The voice is confused and it’s definitely Katya’s. Trixie freezes on the spot, turns around slowly while she gulps.

“Uh, hi.” She gives a short stupid wave. “I was in the neighborhood.”

Katya has bags in her hands, visibly filled with plants, her hair wet from what Trixie assumes was a recent shower. She raises her eyebrows.

“Right. In the neighborhood.”

There isn’t a lot to do near Katya’s place so the excuse won’t take her far, but she sticks with it.

“Yeah. In the neighborhood.”

Katya just stares at her and Trixie feels very vulnerable. There’s an intensity to Katya’s eyes that Trixie’s never really noticed but might have always been there. She feels seen. She also feels uncomfortable being this close to Katya, tries to repress the memories of that night but isn’t quite successful as they’ve been visiting her quite frequently, different feelings attached each time. She takes a step back.

“Ok,” Katya finally says as if Trixie’s movement took her out of her stupor. “I went for a jog earlier and saw some nice plants but I didn’t have my wallet so I thought I’d go buy some before going out to meet you. I was gonna drop these inside and go.”

Katya is basically rambling as she often does, but her explanatory tone tells Trixie she’s nervous - which is actually relieving, because she is too. Trixie nods for lack of what to say. “Cool.”

Katya doesn’t move and neither does Trixie, both staring at each other and their surroundings for longer than would be considered normal. It’s awkward and Trixie doesn’t like it, still hates the feeling of being awkward around Katya, even after everything - specially after everything.

“I’ll be back in a sec-” Katya finally moves towards the door, but Trixie turns with her.

“I can come with you? We can talk here.”

She doesn’t know why she’s offering this, being alone with Katya at her place doesn’t sound like the best idea for their situation, but she also doesn’t feel like talking about everything in a public place.

She’s inclined to believe she walked here for a reason.

Katya looks uncertain, guarded even, but nods nonetheless. “Uh, yeah, of course. It’s a bit messy, I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

“That’s fine, you’ve seen how I live.” It’s supposed to be a joke but they look at each other as she says it and both try to pretend they aren’t thinking about the last time Katya was there.

Trixie finds it harder and harder not to think about it. Both the good and the bad sides of it.

“Well, come on then.”

They walk in silence towards the building and share the elevator with a young woman and a crying baby and Trixie’s almost glad for their presence there to prolong their silence. She wants to talk things over - she does - but at the same time she wants to bury it deep inside as she usually would and she knows that each floor that the elevator goes up is a step closer to unleashing feelings. Trixie’s not looking forward to that.

They wish the woman with the baby a good morning when they exit on Katya’s floor and once inside her place Trixie stands unsure near the door as Katya goes to her balcony to place her newly bought plants. She can see the table they ate dinner at together all those weeks ago and the couch where they sat afterwards and she can practically hear the echo of Katya’s words mixed with the dreaded text, I don’t believe in forever, I don’t do relationships.

God, what is she doing? This is a bad idea.

“Trixie?” Katya asks from where she appears in front of her, Trixie lost in thought. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” she agrees even though she isn’t. “Just thinking.”

Katya averts her gaze. “Uhum.”

It’s awkward, just awkward. Trixie didn’t expect this to go well but she didn’t expect things to be so hard. Talking to Katya had always been organic and now it’s just heavy, difficult. Fuck, why did Katya ruin everyth- no. No. She isn’t going to think like that. They are here to talk. To figure things out - one way or the other.

“Would you like some coffee?” Katya offers once the silence is too long and Trixie’s grateful.

“Oh, yeah, I’d love some.”

“You can sit down, I’ll be right back. Black, one spoon of sugar, right?”

Trixie just nods. Katya remembers how she takes her coffee.

She moves to the couch and sits on the side where Katya had sat last time - it’s a weak but manageable attempt to detach the current situation from then. She doesn’t look around, makes active effort to ignore the paintings and photos around her, the colors of the room.

Katya is back sooner than she expects, holding two mugs. She offers one to Trixie and sits opposite her on the couch, all the space possible in between them. It hurts Trixie even though she thinks it shouldn’t.

She takes a deep breath. All she wants is to keep a clear and open mind, knows she’s guilty of walking into arguments with her mind set and this habit has ruined one too many things for her. She’s hurt but willing to listen, understands more than Katya probably realizes and just wants to understand it fully. She just wants to turn the page, maybe to another chapter or maybe to the end of the story.

“So,” Trixie starts although unsure of how to proceed with the sentence. What does she even want to say? She wants to understand what happened that day - while, simultaneously, never addressing it.

“So,” Katya nods. “The wedding.”

“Oh.” The wedding. Of course, They had an agenda and the wedding was their main plan. “Right. You had questions?”

Katya stares at her, blinks a few times and then sighs as she averts her gaze, blows a little at her steaming cup. “I did, but maybe it can wait.”

Trixie gulps and nods even if Katya is not looking at her. “Okay.”

She doesn’t know if she should talk or if Katya should speak first, so she sips at her coffee. It’s too hot and it burns the tip of her tongue, but she bites her discomfort down. She feels unfair knowing more than Katya is aware of, but she doesn’t want to be the one to burst the bubble and actually address the situation.

Jesus, she’s a mess.

Katya is still not looking at her when she speaks again. “Sasha told me you disappeared for a few days after the party. Stopped answering calls or texts. I got worried.”

Trixie had wondered how Katya got worried to the point where Willam heard about it when she’d made no attempt to contact her prior to the written note. She just nods. “I know. I needed time, I was very angry.” She sees no point in denying her feeling, her discontent has been more than obvious at this point.

Yet, Katya looks at her quizzically. “Angry?”

“And sad. Heartbroken.” She shrugs as if it’s no big deal even though it’s quite possibly the biggest deal Trixie’s dealt with.

“What?” Katya’s tone is nothing but surprised and Trixie is not following. Are they talking about the same thing?

“Uh, yeah? What did you expect?”

Katya just blinks at her several times, her mouth agape completely dumbfounded. “Uh-”

“But I don’t know if I am anymore. I mean, I am a little, but I understand it now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You leaving.” Trixie doesn’t say it but there’s a silent duh at the end of her sentence.

“Trixie-” Katya’s face gets more and more confused by the second, but now that she’s started Trixie wants to talk this through.

“But, yeah, I did learn a few things that sort of gave me some perspective.” Katya doesn’t say anything, just stares at her as if waiting. She still looks confused. “I know about… I was just trying to figure out my feelings and Shea thought-”

Katya’s posture changes completely once Trixie says that, she actually snorts and it’s enough to shut Trixie up in complete confusion and for her eyebrows to shoot up. "Of course,” Katya comments.

Trixie doesn’t get Katya’s sarcastic tone all of a sudden and it completely throws her off. She just needs to finish her train of thought, she just needs Katya to know what she knows - and to explain it better. "What I’m trying to say is that I know about the wedding.”

Katya is back to confused. Either way Trixie is still not following. “The wedding?”

“Yeah, uhm, the one- with your ex.” God, this is uncomfortable. “From college.”

“Oh.” Katya looks stunned, her face darkens. “Oh.”

“Shea was just trying t-”

“You know what, I don’t care why she thought she should tell you that.” She moves her free hand around, angry eyes looking around the room. “It’s personal. I didn’t even know she knew it, god, Sasha is gonna hear it.”

Trixie had not considered that Katya might be mad at Shea for telling her. It makes sense, of course, and now she’s dug herself into a bigger hole and she doesn’t know how to get out of it. She also never meant for Katya to get mad at Shea.

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to understand…”

“Understand what, exactly?” Katya looks at her with the anger she’s been aiming at the room and as bad as Trixie feels about her situation, she’s first and foremost hurt by Katya’s actions and she won’t allow Katya to disregard her further.

“You!” she exasperates because what does Katya expected, really? Maybe Shea had been wrong in telling Trixie but Katya can’t act as if all of this isn’t her fault.

“Me? What does that even mean? You’re not making any sense today!”

So she’ll play dumb, that’s her move today, huh? “You’re joking, right?“

"Me? You do all those theatricals and- You know what, no. Okay.” Katya runs her free hand through her hair and then takes a sip of her coffee. Trixie is too stunned to say anything. “I promised myself I wouldn’t argue with you. We’re gonna talk this over, like adults.”

Now Trixie is the one who snorts. “Sure.”

Katya takes a deep breath, drinks one more sip and places her almost empty cup on the coffee table in front of them. Trixie hasn’t touched hers again and by now it must be getting cold.

“That… that is very personal, Trixie.” Katya’s voice is deflated and Trixie’s guard falls down a bit. She knows it is and she thinks it must be the memory that Katya avoids the most. “And it happened a long time ago. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.”

Trixie looks at her in disbelief. That’s got to do with everything, doesn’t it? “Uh, I don’t know, perhaps your fear of commitment?”

Katya stops as if she’s been punched. “That’s not- I don’t have a fear of commitment! And why do you even care, anyway?”

What is wrong with their rollercoaster of feelings today? They haven’t even properly talked yet.

“Because you left! You literally fled like a stupid fuckboy, what the hell!”

“Are you-” Katya stops mid sentence with large movements of her hands, it’s like she doesn’t know the words she needs to say, like her feelings are too fast for her brain. “Why is that so bad considering where you’re at?”

What? “What the fuck are you talking about?”

It’s like a ping pong match and Trixie’s head is throbbing at the back and forth. That’s not what she expected, it’s not how she wanted things to go. She just wants an answer. She just wants Katya to explicitly say what happened and what now. Not this.

Katya seems to take in Trixie’s stance and expression, doesn’t say anything as Trixie places her full coffee cup on the table and puts both her hands on her forehead, squeezing while she breathes.

“Okay.” Katya says quietly. “Okay, let’s do this right. Tell me what Shea told you.”

“Katya-”

“I’ll have my beef with her later. Just tell me what you know.”

Trixie takes a deep breath, hopefully now they’ll accomplish what they need: sort it all out. “She just told me the general thing. Dated for a long time, got engaged, abandoned three days before the wedding.”

“Two.”

“Huh?”

“It was two days before the wedding. The ceremony was on a Saturday, she left sometime between noon and five on Thursday while I was working.”

Katya is looking at a blank wall as she says it, her expression mirroring the surface, no emotion to show. Trixie feels all of those things inside her chest again, thinking about what Katya must have felt like. How many times has she told the story? How long did it take her to get over it? Has she, even?

“I’m so sorry,” Trixie says, because she is. She’s still hurt and still wants Katya to properly explain herself - ‘I was left at the altar years ago’ isn’t quite a complete excuse - but she is terribly sorry that someone as lively as her went through that, that Katya went through that. Things might be all sorts of wrong but Trixie likes her. Trixie still doesn’t want Katya to suffer.

Katya shrugs. “It took me a long time to even understand that it’d happened - I never understood why. Not why she left but why she waited until the very last minute. She could have ended it sooner, you know.”

“You never talked about it afterwards?”

“No. While I was at work she packed every single thing she owned and every item in the house that she had paid for and just- just left. I came back to an empty apartment and a note on our fridge board saying, and I quote ‘I just can’t go through with this, you can keep all the refunds and the presents’.”

"Oh my god.”

“She’d never been the cold type so that was- I don’t know. I didn’t try to talk to her right away, I was still hopeful she was gonna change her mind and come back on the day of the wedding but - she didn’t, of course. I texted her a few times after that and she never replied.”

Trixie opens her mouth but she doesn’t know what to say. It doesn’t matter because Katya is still fixated on the wall, just telling the story without paying any attention to Trixie’s reaction, apparently lost down memory lane.

“A few months later I went to San Diego for a job and I saw her in a café. She was holding hands with a girl - and it might be my mind playing tricks but she looked so much like her old high school girlfriend. I didn’t stay there to investigate and I never checked any of her social media but, like, I’d seen plenty of pictures of the girl and it really, really looked like her.”

“That’s really shitty.” It’s not a good reply to the situation but Trixie hardly thinks there would be any.

“It is. Makes me wonder about our years together, you know? If she was in love with her old girlfriend through all of it… I don’t know, I never pegged her for a cheater but I never pegged her for a quitter either. Just shows you that sometimes the people you know the best… well, sometimes you don’t actually know them at all.”

Trixie gulps because she’d used those words before - and she’d been talking about Katya.

“Yeah. I get that.”

“So, yeah,” Katya nods absentmindedly as she looks at Trixie, apparently back in the moment. “That did make me wary of relationships for a long time - my feelings for her lasted for a good while after that. It must have been a year, maybe more, where I didn’t try to have any kind of relationship. But I’m over it, now, I’m past that, I’m past her.”

Trixie nods because, yes, people move on from these things eventually. But, still, she knows the wounds linger. “Being over it doesn’t mean that you aren’t still wary.”

Katya rolls her eyes. She’s playing it light but Trixie can see she’s exhausted from what she just revisited. “Of course these things affect me but I’m not afraid of commitment-”

“Katya you said it so yourself on this very couch.”

“No, what I said was that being with someone forever sounds like a naive expectation! And either way-”

“You texted it to me!” Trixie cuts her off because, god, tragic past aside, how can Katya still be making so light of the fact that she left. No explanation, no nothing, unequivocally left. “You did it right after- after-”

“Like you don’t know why.” Katya is exasperated and honestly so is Trixie. Things just keep escalating totally out of their control and she is frustrated - they both are. “You can’t tell me this hurts you as much as it hurts me.”

“What? Why would you be hurt? You’re the one who decided to leave!”

“Because of you! Because I like you and-”

Trixie cuts her off with a snort. “That seems plausible, sleeping with a girl you like and then fleeing!”

Katya gets up and throws her hands in the air as if surrendering. “You’re impossible, Trixie.”

How do things keep getting out of control? Why is it so hard to talk about your feelings?

“No, you’re impossible!” Some part of Trixie feels bad for exploding at Katya after what she just told her, but the fact that Katya hadn’t owned up to it or apologized once is driving her up the wall. After Katya’s texts the day before Trixie fully expected her to just be forward and explain herself, but they keep dancing around this and Trixie’s getting tired. “I like you, I actually like you and I can’t believe that I do, honestly, I can’t believe that after all this time and everything that it’s you, and that you’d go out acting like-”

“Please, don’t play the victim-”

“Shut up, I’m not doing anything!” Trixie gets up too and starts pacing, her breathing heavy. “Do you know how hard this is for me? Do you have any idea how hard it is to have this happen after- god after the mess my romantic life was - or is, I don’t know? I was secretly hung up over Shea for years, Katya, years, did you know that?”

“Duh?” Katya replies as if it’s the simplest question in the world.

Trixie stops in her tracks. Her eyes snap at Katya immediately. “What?”

“What, you think I would forget?” Katya’s tone borders on mockery.

“Forget?” Is she serious? “You actually knew it?”

Katya looks at her as if she’s grown another head, her whole body is practically vibrating.

“What does that even mean, you told me!” She accuses pointing her finger. Trixie freezes completely. What? “You get fucking hammered, ask me to bring you home and fucking sleep with you and then you 'sweet talk’ yourself to sleep with tales of you best friend who you are in love with and I’m supposed to stay? What else, you expected breakfast in the morning, too?”

Trixie is still frozen, her chest tightening at the words. She opens and closes her mouth incessantly, trying to find words, any word at all, but her brain is empty. She can’t have told Katya she’s in love with Shea, not when she knows those feelings diminished and disappeared over the years, not when she is so certain that she’s been over that for longer than she’s even realized, not that night when everything had changed, not after being with Katya.

Not when Shea isn’t the one she’s in love with.

“I’m- I’m not in love with Shea.”

Katya’s laugh is humorless and Trixie hates it more than she hated their entire conversation today, she feels like their roles suddenly reversed from what she thought they were a mere minute ago and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. “Well, that’s not what you said that night.” It looks like it pains her to say this. “Right after- god.” She covers her face with her hands and Trixie’s heart squeezes so tight that her entire chest burns.

“I can’t have said that.” Did she really drink enough to forget something like this? “Not like that. That’s not - I don’t think I was ever in love with her. I didn’t say that. What did I say, Katya, I know I didn’t use these words?”

“You don’t remember? You’re kidding me.”

Trixie shakes her head, her stomach filled with guilt. She started this whole thing thinking she’d been done wrong but apparently that’s not quite true. “I don’t, I’m sorry, I really don’t.” She really is sorry and she needs Katya to believe it. “But I know for certain I didn’t say that, because it isn’t how I feel. It’s not - I think I never felt like that but I’m sure I especifically don’t feel like that now.”

Katya searches her eyes and they stare at each other for seconds on end in complete silence. Trixie hopes that she can convince Katya of - she doesn’t know what, exactly. That she doesn’t like Shea? That she likes her? Both? Whatever it is, if it’s on her… Katya seems to be a lot more forgiving, which she knows it’s unfair, but she didn’t expect to be on the apologizing end of the equation and now she somehow is, even if Katya’s actions hadn’t been the most mature reaction to it all. But maybe, if it’s up to Trixie to fix this… maybe they can find a better alternative. Something that isn’t cutting contact entirely or just reklinding their friendship - perhaps Trixie can work on them finding something more. Maybe she can convince Katya.

Katya’s posture changes all of a sudden, she looks a little more relaxed, less guarded maybe, even if her expression is still pained, and she takes a deep breath before sitting down again.

“I shouldn’t have- you were really drunk- I kne-”

“No, stop.” Trixie will most likely never live down her habit of drinking to try to make things easier. They almost always backfire. “I remember everything- well, almost everything about that night. I- I was sober enough to consent to everything and I remember everything and- I enjoyed everything, too.” She hopes Katya knows how much that night meant to her - she hopes she’s said it, then, although it seems unlikely. So she wants it to be clear now. “It’s just, talking, I get talkative when I’m drunk and I don’t always-”

“You said it felt nice to not tie yourself down to your feelings for Shea anymore.” Katya cuts her off with a very low voice, her head facing down towards her lap.

“Oh.”

“You said it felt nice to finally try to let go of it, to not think about it and live your life. Have fun.”

“Katya-”

“And until then- maybe I’m stupid but I had never noticed it?” She looks back up at Trixie as if she’s somehow to fault for this. God, Trixie wishes this was all over, if she hadn’t said anything - and then proceeded to forget - then Katya wouldn’t have left and things- ok, there’s no use thinking like this now. She just needs to fix this. “I was actually pretty sure you liked me too, there were so many hints, or at least I thought there were. I hadn’t considered dating for a long time, but with you- I don’t know, I thought that was finally the night. And it wasn’t.”

“I really didn’t mean it like that.”

“Like what? Like you liked Shea?” Katya forces as if Trixie will end up admitting she does. But she really doesn’t - Katya needs to see that.

“Yes. I did like her, Katya, I’m not denying that. But not - god, not by that point, not that night. I tried so hard to repress the fact that I had feelings for you, I denied it to myself so many times. I wouldn’t ever have made a move on you if I still liked her and didn’t like you. That’s not- I don’t do that type of thing. I just want you to know why this is so important for me, why having feelings for you is so major. That’s what I meant, you get that, right?”

Katya nods even though she doesn’t look totally convinced - Trixie doesn’t blame her, as much as she dislikes it.

“That’s why I left.” Katya explains it as if Trixie hadn’t figured that out already. Trixie spent two weeks thinking Katya wasn’t the person she thought she was and apparently, well, apparently Trixie was just digging into old wounds, even if unintentionally, even if in a different way.

She’d been left for an old love before. Trixie gets it.

“You fell asleep not long after saying all that and I just waited for a while before getting up and leaving.” She takes a deep pained breath. “I really couldn’t stay.” Trixie agrees with a nod, she wouldn’t have stayed either. “You’re right, maybe I’m still wary about opening up and getting involved with someone and- and being abandoned. But you can’t blame me. It’s not your fault, but you can’t blame me.”

“I don’t. But we could’ve talked.”

Katya shrugs. “We’re talking now.”

“I guess. Could’ve talked sooner, though.”

“I guess.”

It’s quiet again but this time it stretches. Trixie can hear the cars honking many, many floors below, the bathroom sink that leaks a new drop every ten or so seconds, the air-conditioning in Katya’s room that sounds like a very old model.

She wishes she knew what to say, but Katya’s always been the one to fill up quiet moments.

“You’re not in love with Shea?” she finally asks, her eyes searching for Trixie’s. Trixie thinks that what she sees in there is hope, or maybe she’s just hoping herself.

She shakes her head. “No. God, I’m really not.” She’s come to the realization that her feelings for Shea were gone a while back, but addressing it so directly in front of Katya of all people, it just feels freeing. Maybe that’s what her drunk ass had attempted the other day. Now she can do it right. “It’s funny because- I felt something for her for a long time. I obviously didn’t want to, so I tried to wish them away and to pretend they weren’t there and, well, somewhere along the way they actually disappeared and I didn’t even notice. But I was never in love with her - not before and definitely not now.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Because I’m in love with you.” She didn’t think she’d say that, but as the words leave her lips her chest gets lighter and lighter. “And it feels different.”

Katya’s breath catches on her throat, her eyes widen. “Trixie-”

“I’m just saying it because it’s true. Because this is what I wanted to say that night.”

Katya nods, eyes blown wide and sparkling. “Okay.” Is all she manages to say.

“And also I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Katya asks but Trixie knows it’s out of politeness. She knows what for. But she’s also already forgiven her, Trixie can see it on her face.

“You know what. Everything. What you went through, what I said, blaming you-”

“It’s oka-”

“Ruining this.”

Katya stops, blinks a few times as she stares at Trixie. Then she shakes her head. “You didn’t ruin this.”

Her heart thunders a couple time inside her chest. “No?”

“We should have talked sooner.”

Trixie nods vehemently. “We should have. I’m sorry.”

Katya shrugs. “My fault there. And I’m sorry for how I handled things.”

“I get-”

“Still shitty, though. Leaving you like that, the text- I thought you remembered. I thought it’d make sense to you and that you wouldn’t care.”

Trixie nods but says nothing, it’s hard to find it in her to hold it against Katya after everything. Especially if Katya also isn’t holding anything against her. She finally moves back to the couch, sits a bit closer to Katya who merely watches her do it.

“What now?”

“I don’t know. We move past it?”

“Pretend it never happened?”

“Oh,” Katya straightens up.

“I mean the fight! Not- not th-”

Katya laughs through her nose. “I got it.”

Maybe she still sounds a bit wary, but Trixie’s counting her blessings. The air is definitely lighter and maybe there’s a chance for them. If Katya wants it.

“Unless you don’t want to?” Trixie asks uncertain.

“Isn’t it too rushed? Just putting white-out on all of it?”

Trixie shrugs. “Maybe. I just- nevermind.”

“What is it?”

“How do you feel?”

“Regarding what?”

“Me. How do you feel about me?”

“Oh. I thought that was obvious.”

“Katya-”

She shakes her head in disbelief and looks at her with a tiny side smile. “I’m in love with you, too, Trix.”

Her heart grows twice its size, and yet she smiles about something else. “It’s Trix again, huh?”

Katya shrugs, her own smile growing. “Unless you don’t want it?”

“No, no, I definitely want it.”

They must look like two maniacs, Trixie thinks, smiling wider and wider at each other after their previous screaming match.

They are okay, right? They’re gonna be fine.

Katya inches closer and raises her right hand to touch her hair. It brings her back to that night at the club, the soft touches in the midst all of the urgency.

She feels much better being sober. And being honest.

“Are we cool?” She asks with honest eyes and Trixie can’t believe that she managed to reverse the mess they were in.

At the end of they day, they both said they’re in love. That’s what matters right?

“Yeah,” Trixie breathes out.

“Nothing else to unleash?”

Trixie denies. “No.”

Katya nods lightly, almost imperceptible.

“Can I kiss you, then?”

Trixie doesn’t even respond, just inches forward and closes the gap between them.

Her heart beats faster inside her chest as Katya moves her other hand to pull her closer and she’s sure she can feel Katya’s heart beating fast too. This time there’s no urgency, no booze, no secrets on the way. There’s just the two of them being honest with each other.

Katya’s lips are softer than she remembers, she tastes lightly of coffee and tobacco and usually that would put her off but she just keeps pulling her closer. She’d come into this conversation, had spent the last two weeks actually, thinking it’d be it. Instead, they’re kissing. And in love.

Trixie relaxes into the moment. It looks like there’s a next chapter after all.