#but girl!!! i know shes gay too bc i saw her on the her app a couple of months ago. this could be my chance lmao

[sirpeppersto]

.......the really hot coworker who used to flirt with me when i worked at ulta is now doing night classes at school. hey girl how are you

[ellies1luvr]

dealer!ellie x reader

(head cannons)

based on the song daddy issues by the neighborhood

A/n: Im writing this on my notes app, have never written before but i fear if i don’t write this it will never be written😅 currently going though a situation ship and im very touched starved so that is wear this is coming from‼️

Idc if minors read

please give me feedback even if its not the nicest it is really appreciated!!

TW: erm lesbians, reader having daddy issues, casual by chappell roan mentioned, crying, panic attacks, anxiety, reader sits on ellies lap, weed, lmk if i missed anything!! no use of y/n‼️

Dealer Ellie who met you at a party having panic attack

Dealer Ellie who brought you back to a random couch at the frat party and gave you free weed to calm you down while having a meaningful conversations

Dealer ellie who drove you home and got your phone number

Now anytime you have a panic attack or anything close to one, you call ellie and she comes over with free weed/ holds your hand and comforts you the whole time

“hey pretty girl” “there you go pretty”

when you smoke to much shes there to ground you

“its okay baby i got you, your safe with me”

Soon after you both catch feelings, not telling each other because you don’t want to ruin whats going on.

You call ellie one afternoon asking if she can come over, shes really busy but you dont need to know that and comes over.

you both end up confessing your feelings and make out on the couch, soon you both fall asleep in each others arms

by the end of that night you and ellie are bound by the hip (i think thats how the saying goes?? idk) ellie always with you in someway or some form.

Ellie soon finds out about your attachment issues and fear shes gonna leave you in some way, (hints daddy issues😅) but that fear is soon subsided by ellie and her always with and doting on you

at the beginning of you and ellies relationship, you tried not to get too comfortable but as soon as you do, you are clinging to ellie all the time.

(deals, in classes, restaurants, idk but always touching ellie and ellie always with or touching you in some way)

Getting with ellie didnt stop all your panic attacks or anxiety, when bad panic attacks would happen you would sit on ellies lap with a tv show playing in the background, ellie lighting a blunt, lightly placing it between your lips watching you inhale and exhale

Dealer ellie making that collage dealer bank, would take you shopping all the time.

no matter what your style, hyperfem, on the masculine side, or neither she would spoil the hell out of you.

You and ellie dont have sex untill about a month into the relationship, deciding to take it slow

You and ellie rarely ever got in fights, (you being sensitive also hints daddy issues😅) would cry when ellie raised her voice at you, not trying to be manipulative in the way that anytime you two get in disagreements you cry, but when she would yell, yes.

“ellie that girl was flirting with you i saw it”

“babe no she wasnt”

“ellie please just stop dealing to her”

“babe its my fucking job to deal what do you expect for a dealer in a collage campus not to get hit on?!”

when she heard sniffles her heart immediately dropped realizing that she yelled.

safe to say that girl never got another ounce of weed from ellie again.

i feel like all of ellies past relationships were just “casual” but with you it was very different!

Red wine supernova by chappell roan is definitely her favorite song on rise and fall of a midwest princess (but she relates to casual 😅 the most)

The first time she took you to meet joel you cried bc your dad cut you off once he found out you were gay , and especially not a dad like joel

one time when you amd ellie once woke up early enough to make breakfast before classes, you started a playlist on you phone

Naked in manhattan by chappell roan started playing, you started dancing and ellie soon followed hugging you from behind kissing your neck

Suggestive

at party’s when ellies dealing, you would always be perched on her lap, facing ellie, counting her freckles

Ellie being ellie is horny when shes high, you being you are emotional when high but that doesnt stop yall from having heated moments when both of yall are high.

i feel like ellie would have Lunch by billie eilish playing when shes high and that always leads to a long (fun) night

thanks for reading dykes‼️

[sapphic-luthor]

hey lia! i was wondering if i could ask you a question about queer dating on dating apps? if this is too much or you’d rather not answer for whatever reason, you can totally ignore this, no worries!

so i’ve recently come to accept my identity as a queer woman but i have little to no dating experience as a 21yo. i live in a red state and i’m not really at a place where i can safely come out to everyone in my life, but i’ve been wanting to try dating again. i saw your other ask about open communication for fellow baby queers on dating apps like hinge, so i was wondering if you have any advice on how best to bring up this fact? like how would i bring up the fact that i am not out yet and that i would understand if they wouldn’t want to pursue something with me with that in mind? i don’t know how i’d transition from someone responding to a prompt on my profile that has nothing to do with sexuality to something sort of heavy like this. basically what i’m asking is if you have any suggestions for how to best bring up my situation to someone i might match with, and whether there’s a specific length of time after matching when i should bring it up before it’s “too late”? you always give great advice that’s helped me in the past so i was wondering if you’d be able to lend a hand here as well. anyways, thank you! i appreciate you and your blog a great deal, and i hope you and your gf are staying safe and healthy!

hmmmm okay so this is a bit of a tough one. i actually sent this along to my girlfriend to get her thoughts bc she was VERY newly out when i met her and she had a biiiiit of this experience of being new to it, but not so much being closeted. but anyway here are our collective thoughts:

so for one, i think, you gotta make sure you know what you’re looking for on these apps. if you’re hoping to kiss some cute girls and have a nice date or two casually, then i almost don’t think it’s that important to tell people about a lack of experience to be honest? like. when you’re just having a bit of fun you don’t owe too much to other people, but the world of “casual” dating often moves very quickly and can be very overwhelming for somebody who’s newly settled in their sexuality, and may not be interested in or know how to navigate the kinds of people who are mostly seeking out one night stands and the like.

and listen! there’s no harm if casual isn’t your style (and based on your concerns about when/how to talk about being closeted it doesn’t seem like it is), but that does create a few more difficulties for you.

so here’s the thing, and this may be really disappointing to hear: i kind of think you need to leave.

now obviously “just move!!” is like, a deeply stupid and tone deaf thing to present as a solution because it’s very much not that easy, and i swear i understand that. i’m by no means recommending you up and run to san francisco and all your problems will be solved because the crosswalks are painted rainbow or whatever. moving is daunting, and difficult, and most importantly: fucking expensive.

but what you really, really, need is a community to feel safe and accepted in. and that doesn’t mean moving to a blue state or a big gay city or whatever— many many people successfully build these communities for themselves in the most seemingly unlikely of places. gay people have a real knack for creating their own families, and if your biological family is not accepting of you (which is what i’m reading into this, so apologies if that’s off mark), there is absolutely a family out there for you that will be. we are honestly everywhere, and we’ve always been, but it is near impossible to build yourself that sort of life when you’re still stuck in one where you don’t feel free.

here’s the big crux of things in my (our) opinion; you’re going to have a very, very, very, hard time trying to build a healthy relationship while you’re in an environment that doesn’t accept you. this is even without considering the details of when or how to tell somebody on a dating app— this is just that on the whole, i believe bringing a partner into a life where they have to shrink themselves or pass as straight to feel accepted (even if they agree to or are used to it) is going to make everyone ultimately miserable, and put unbelievable strain and sadness on your relationship.

i think you really, really need the opportunity to build a life for yourself that isnt predicated on the hatred around you, and i think you really need some kind of independence to achieve that safely. i don’t know you personally and can’t say what that path forward might look like, but i do think it’s really important for you to get to a place in your life where you can start to build these really important romantic relationships.

like i have friends who moved states, moved across the country, moved internationally, whatever-- and that’s all fine and good. but i also have friends who are less than an hour’s drive from home and aren’t out to their parents (and may never be!) but have their own home and work and friends and life disconnected from the homophobia of their past. they have gay roommates and throw gay brunches with their gay friends and they can join lgbt clubs in their community or universities and all of that is done without looking over a shoulder, without wondering what a parent would say, or without the daily worries that come along with living under somebody else’s roof, you know?

obviously i can imagine this is not really the advice you wanted, and let me be totally clear: i’m not saying “you can’t date until you move and come out” because everyone’s life (and comfort level, and safety) is so different, and you can find love in the damnedest of places. but i am definitely saying that it’s probably going to be very hard for you while you’re still stuck where you are, and there’s a good chance of just heartbreak after heartbreak trying to manage a dating app where people are often wary of those still in the closet, or if you were to find a relationship that was really important to you that you then had to confine to secrecy, you know what i mean?

gf also wants to follow up with: while you’re working out your long term plans or who and what you want to be as you get a bit older, there’s endless gay media to consume in the meantime. (the summer she realised she was a lesbian she read like 35 lesbian books in the space of a few months lmao.)

and don’t forget there are also endless gay little people in your computer who are rooting for you and proud of you as you figure out what life is going to look like, and we are here to help the best we can!!

[mayakern]

I saw on your Twitter you play dnd! What kind of character do you play and what system? Also, do you do your own commissions of your characters or do you get it from other artists?

oh hell yeah i love dnd!!! i mostly just play 5E but my regular group did our second session in city of mists last night and it was SUPER fun (we play that instead of our ongoing game whenever our aussie players can’t make it)

i don’t usually reuse dnd characters because even tho i love my characters, they usually all end up with their own history and relationship to their games so adapting them feels weird, but here’s a run down of some of my favorite characters i’ve played! (and ye all this art is by me)

1. anenome (or nem for short)

she’s a water genasi arcane trickster rogue/divination wizard. she’s from a game where we started out playing kids (nem was 11) and then after a Big Event had an 11 year time skip where everyone in the party had to separate before a big reunion. she used to be a really shy and sweet and optimistic kid, but after everything fell apart and she became an accidental criminal, she stopped believing in any sort of fairness in the world and grew up super jaded and nihilistic, tho she still strives to protect that spark of optimism in others (not that she’d admit that). she is SUPER SUPER gay and is married to flare (fire genasi sorcerer). they have a bunch of history and i love them a lot!

2. nora

this is my city of mists character!! she’s a twitch streamer/cam girl/only fans model/l33t h4x0r. she’s clever and compassionate and very silly and a bit gross. part of her backstory is that when she was a relatively new twitch streamer, someone tried to cyberbully her by calling her a “garfield looking ass motherfucker” and so she immediately dyed her hair orange and made that her entire persona just to fuck with them (thus the custom garf headset).

3. hemlock

hemlock is an onomancy wizard! she was made for a storybook game — essentially all the characters lived on a bookshelf in someone’s home and can travel between books.

when characters travel into a new book, especially if it’s an “active” book (i.e. currently being read), they get assigned a role that is both available and closest to their archetype (so, as a wizard, if hemlock entered a book of king arthur’s tales she would likely be assigned as morrigan or merlin if available, or another magic user if not).

hemlock herself was from a story where her family (two sisters and her mother) were turned from good witches/princesses (it was unclear) into evil hags/witches and hemlock bartered her name (and right eye) to keep her mind/heart/goodness.

the onomancy wizard subclass is SUPER interesting and fun and is all about the naming of things and works super well with fairytale stuff (which i love). tbh i REALLY want to play hemlokc more. that game was insanely fun and ended prematurely due to scheduling difficulties. i just don’t think there is another game setting that would ever work for her bc she is so specific.

4. althea

my most recent character is althea! she’s an aasimar grave cleric. she woke up in a morgue about two weeks ago (in game time) and instantly fell in love with the mortician who discovered she was still(?) alive. she has no memories of her past (and tbh no real desire to go looking for them). she is smart but also a dumb ass, has 6 charisma and no sense of self preservation and is completely and utterly in love with rosemary (the mortician, now barkeep) and will literally do anything she wants, no questions asked (and will even do things she THINKS rosemary wants unasked... such as maybe yoinking a very obviously cursed goblet from a ritual circle of living corpses in literally the first game session just bc she thought rosemary would think it was cool).

5. penny

penny was my first long-term dnd character! she was my third dnd character ever but in a lot of ways i consider her my first because the other two were run primarily in 4E and didn’t meet often enough (or just enough period) for me to get a grasp on them or the game mechanics.

penny is a light domain cleric. she was made for a buddy cop game i joined randomly on roll20 because i couldn’t find a consistent group to meet with IRL. i was super nervous to join a random game with strangers but really wanted to play dnd so i gave it a shot and i am SO glad i did because i still play with that group! or.. what became of that group. it started out as a group of me and a bunch of strangers, but i quickly made friends with the DM and one of the other players, then devin joined a couple months in, and slowly original players left for various reasons and we invited other ppl in (a couple of my friends, the other longterm player’s gf, etc) and now that is the main group i still play with! (nem and nora and a bunch of my other characters are from games w that group)

when the game was open for player/character apps, we were asked to pitch what role our character would play in a buddy cop movie and i picked the straight man archetype (haha i know). penny is very sweet and shy and wholesome.

i have a bunch of other characters, most of which can be found on toyhouse, but this post is already way too long as is! whoops!

[cyncity2000]

73 questions tag! tysm @goodlesson , can’t say i’ve ever had anything like this before but hey it’s not like I have anything better to do rn 😅 

answers under the cut! i tag @rene-royale @teenager-confused-tired @sawafilmtoday @onedoesnotsimplystormthebastille if you feel like it, but no pressure bc this is a LOT and took me a couple days to finish lol

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? um. could be worse, could be better?? so 5. 

describe yourself in a hashtag? no. twitter and all its shitty hashtags can go to hell.

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? weird question. nobody?? i wouldn’t want to??

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? not to be all dan smith on main but like...’come to this please’

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? uhhhh idk. i’m very open about most aspects of my personality i’d say

what’s your wake up ritual? stay in bed as long as possible and then YEET at maximum speed so i don’t waste the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? tell myself i should go to bed. pick up my phone instead. regret it in the morning.

what’s your favorite time of day? 2pm or 9-10pm 

your go to for having a good laugh? macdoesit or drawfee videos on youtube. truly the best.

dream country to visit? i wanna go back to england and france, also i’d love to visit literally anywhere i could

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? falling in love with my college roommate probably,, didn’t see THAT coming

heels or flats/sneakers? bitch i’m 5′10″ with size 12.5 feet. converse.

vintage or new? vintage looks cool. i am not cool. so new.

who do you want to write your obituary? idk man i don’t wanna think about that now???

style icon? if you knew me irl you’d know style is not a word in my vocabulary

what are three things you cannot live without? my cat, my friends/gf, and my cd collection 

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? i do not bake or cook, the real world is going to kill me immediately

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i’d be too stressed to make food for people but i’d love to like. go OUT for dinner with...dodie, dallon weekes, and pj liguori. they’re all just cool people i follow and i wanna know what they’re LIKE. 

what’s your biggest fear in life? failure due to lack of confidence, motivation and direction in life :)))

window or aisle seat? i’d say window but i am long boi so aisle is usually nicer unless i trip someone by accident

what’s your current tv obsession? still supernatural, also brooklyn 99

favorite app? tumblr :D

secret talent? despite my crippling procrastination issues i’ve almost always been a straight-A student 🤷‍♀️

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? drove myself two hours to a concert in february, or maybe the time i did a really hard ropes course or went to the badlands?

how would you define yourself in three words? introverted, distracted, nerdy

favorite piece of clothing you own? maybe my waterparks sweatshirt bc i had a dream last night that i donated it and then went back to the store to buy it back lmao so subconsciously i must really like it

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? you gotta have that one pair of black jeans that goes with anything imo

a superpower you would want? flying. it’s the only recurring dream i’ve ever had and it’s my only answer ever

what’s inspiring you in life right now? all the people doing big or little things to help. the ones doing instagram lives or sending money or supplies to people in need or just giving me more faith in humanity

best piece of advice you’ve received? can’t remember any. why doesn’t anyone give me good advice

best advice you’d give your teenage self? do your laundry on time. don’t wear...whatever that was to school. just wash ur fuckin clothes. also don’t let it bother you that you’re single the whole time. you’ll get there.

a book everyone should read? they both die at the end by adam silvera. you WILL cry. but you will love it. 

what would you like to be remembered for? i have no idea. being a non-shitty person at least.

how do you define beauty? happiness.

what do you love most about your body? idk being tall is kinda nice

best way to take a rest/decompress? get a blanket. comfy clothes. my cat. put headphones on. put some music on or watch youtube.

favorite place to view art? on tumblr and instagram! i follow soo many wonderful artists it’s great

if your life was a song, what would the title be? Oh No (What Is She Doing Now?)

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano or guitar. i suck at both and if i could be good at ONE i’d be happy

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? been thinking about this tbh. somewhere on my arm definitely but idk where D:

dolphins or koalas? dolphins!!

what’s your spirit animal? a cat?

best gift you’ve ever received? for christmas my sister bought me a cute lil box meant for displaying concert tickets and it was the most thoughtful thing ever. also the AMAZING studio headphones i’m currently using that my mom got me like three years ago for christmas

best gift you’ve given? probably when i bought me and my best friend tickets to see the Sherlock S4 finale in a movie theater 

what’s your favorite board game? cards against humanity, one night ultimate werewolf/alien, settlers of catan

what’s your favorite color? porpleee 💜

least favorite color? hmm they’re all valid except for like. puke green.

diamond or pearls? neither lol

drugstore makeup or designer? neither 😜

blow-dry or air-dry? blow-dry but i never do bc it takes y e a r s

pilates or yoga? yoga!

coffee or tea? both but only hot tea or frozen coffee 

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? thanks to tumblr the word ‘defenestrate’ has entered my vocabulary and I do not regret it

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? either. chocolate is chocolate 🍫

stairs or elevators? tbh stairs, i’m just a lazy bitch

summer or winter? winter. cold > hot

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? i’d still get tired of it :( i need that variety!!

a dessert you don’t like? none. dessert is dessert and it is all valid if i can eat it

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing, working from home, playing the guitar

best thing to happen to you today? currently watching mike gross play old brobecks tunes :’) he also just saw my comment yay

worst thing to happen to you today? i had cheesecake for lunch. sounds good but it’s the only thing i’ve had today besides a piece of chocolate and my body is Not Happy

best compliment you’ve ever received? someone on fanfiction dot net once left me a comment saying they’d almost cried at my story and called me “a true writer” and it’s honestly one of the only thing that keeps me writing...i’m still mad they weren’t signed in so I’ll never be able to thank them for it.

favorite smell? lemon, cookies, fresh-cut grass

hugs or kisses? hugs!!

if you made a documentary, would it be about? somethin gay probably

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? honestly...probably “who the fuck is keith” fjadskljfd

lipstick or lipgloss? like peyton said chapstick is the only valid answer

sweet or savory? depends how i’m feelin, love both

girl crush? besides the obvious one (my girlfriend), honestly not many? there’s this one girl i follow on insta who’s big in the panic! fandom and jESUS SHE’S SO PRETTY. also the girl who plays kaia in supernatural is CUUUTE

how do you know you’re in love? has only happened to me once but for me...i already loved her platonically for months and then suddenly one day i was like oh. why am i getting the urge to kiss you rn. oh no.

a song you can listen to on repeat? anything by idkhow or bastille. never gets old.

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? not to copy peyton but i would love to know what goes on inside my cat’s head

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? next semester of college!! i got into a super-competitive dorm and i’m gonna have my own room and live with nine other people and gahh i’m just so excited to be chaotic with all my friends again and meet new people :’)

[deamabilisworld]

So why did I open this Tumblr

Knock at the door, I woke up and took the package of my new red sliipers. You know how you are in self isolation, wasting money on stupid crap.

Anyhow, video meeting with my research supervisor. I was clearly underprepared and had no idea how will I start this project. O well,

He saw it too and gave me some exercises before we'd actually start working on our category, cool. Call finished, alright I might still have a chance if I'd really buckle down, after a toilet break or three and a few youtube videos and a shower and then I rewatched that video that made me cry yesterday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BMBDY01kPk

Trans girls should really not get near this crap. So I spent the rest of the day crying for not being like all them other girls with their loving relationships and natural movement, beautiful hair, laughter.

Next thing I've done is start looking for online lesbian communities. Not for flirting or dating. I just needs friends, to validate stuff.

Summer took the rugby soc away

Quarantine closed the few lesbian communities around cov.

I looked around online but it was difficult finding something.

Then I cried to Krissy's shoulder and she mentioned something about meeting her ex on Tumblr and I thought to myself... hey I hear a lot of my friends are on Tumblr, maybe I should give it a shot.

"oh no, tumblr is shit, both me and her can agree on that

it's just kinda creative

and we're used to it bc of nostalgia"

I remember nostalgia.

We used to spend hours in the public chats back in Israel, meeting gays across the country.

So there's actually a good reason why I opened this Tumblr.

My friends tell me I need to show my self some self compassion, and God knows I'll do it in the only way I can: through self criticism!

So my name is Emma, and I'm a mess.

I guess I looked for a discrete place to shout it, somewhere with no friends or relatives that I have to look to in the eyes afterwards.

Let's see what this app has to offer me

[storiesnobodyreads]

I’m the Boyfriend

Characters: Bucky Barnes x reader

Ask: would you write one where reader and his new guy friend are becoming suepr close and have inside jokes and stuff and Bucky gets alarmed bc HE is the boyfriend HE should be the one making her happy like that 😘 (fluffy ad pouting puppy Bucky pls) YOUR URL IS SO NOT TRUE BTW CUZ I READ YOUR STUFF AND LOVE IT 

A/N: anon, first things first, thank you so much, you’re amazing, and second, I loved this idea very much so here it is! Hope you like it!

“Hi love!” Max pressed a firm kiss on your cheek as he strolled through the door. “You look great.” 

“Thank you very much,” you beamed, leading him to the kitchen. “So, what do you want this time? Orange juice or orange juice?” Max had always made a point to drink nothing but orange juice before 4 pm, after which he usually switched to beer, or stuck with orange juice.

Max leaned with his elbows on the kitchen island. “I think I’ll go with orange juice.”

You were loyally pouring a cup for Max and for yourself, when Bucky came home. You heard the door open and fall shut, after which the keys were thrown on the desk in the hallway. Bucky strolled into the kitchen, blindly walking toward you to kiss you, but as soon as his eyes fell on Max, did his carefree demeanour falter. “Oh, hi,” he grumbled darkly.  

Max smiled at your boyfriend. “Hey, Bucky.”

Since Bucky had given up on coming over to give a kiss, you settled with offering him something to drink. “Orange juice or orange juice?” you asked, causing Max to snicker.

Bucky didn’t understand the inside joke and glared at you. “Water, please.” He studied you as you jokingly rolled your eyes and got him a glass of water. You looked extremely cute with your hair bundled up in a messy knot bundled up above your head, short black top and comfortable flower-print shorts. Hadn’t Max been here, he would have done something else than drink a stupid glass of water.

“Remember that time,” Max was already laughing, taking a sip of his orange juice and almost choking in it. “When you drank so much water just to make a statement that water was better for you than orange juice, and then when you moved your belly you could just hear the water splash.”

You were laughing so hard that you had difficulty holding the glass of water straight. “That was so weird!” you giggled.

Bucky took the glass from you before you spilled any of it. His gaze was sharp as it flickered from you to Max and back. “Hmm,” he did, carefully taking a sip. “So, Max, why are you here?” 

“I just came by to borrow your lawn mower,” Max explained. “Y/N told me about the automatic machine that you have, from Anthony Stark, and she asked me if I wanted to try and use it. Since it’s from Anthony Stark, it’ll probably work perfectly, but I’m curious to see how it works.”

You were laughing again, though Bucky found it quite a normal, non-funny reply. “Stop calling him Anthony, Max,” you brought out in between your laughs. 

“What, Anthony is a cute name!” Max exclaimed. 

Bucky frowned. “Why are you laughing?”

You waved it off, bending over from laughter. “Just... something that happened,” you excused yourself between high-pitched breaths in the fit of laughter, as Max bend over forward and clapped the table. 

“Right.” Bucky sounded pissed off. “Where is this lawn mower? I’ll grab it for you.” 

You could barely talk, that’s how hard you were laughing. “In the shed in the garden, Buck,” you informed him slowly. “Left side, up.” 

Bucky growled something inaudibly and rapidly fetched the keys off the counter, marching out of the house to get the lawn mower. Max let a deep sigh escape once the Winter Soldier was out of hearing distance. “Every time I see him, I have just forgotten how handsome he is.” 

You shot Max a look. “Calm down there, cowboy, he’s mine.” 

Max rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it.” 

“Fair enough,” you shrugged, leading Max to the living room, where you sat side by side on the grey sofa. You folded your legs underneath you and then propped your head on your fists, planting your elbows on your knees. “Now tell me everything about your date tonight.”

Max firmly shook his head. “No way. It’s a Grindr thing. I’m not telling you about how cute he is because I don’t want to get my own hopes up. I’ll app you my location, and I do expect you to come rescue me with your Soldier if something goes wrong.”

You nodded slowly. “Alright, Bucky and I will come save you when you use the safe word. What’s the safe word?” 

Max thought about it for a second. “Raspberry bubbles.” 

You almost choked in your sip of orange juice. “Raspberry bubbles?” you asked confused. “What the hell is that? I was thinking more, you know, code red.”

“Isn’t code red for when you’ve lost your virginity or something?” Max pointed out with a laugh. 

“True,” you giggled. “Well, maybe you’ll be using that, too.” 

Max gently punched you against your shoulder. “I’ve lost my virginity!”

“Yeah, to a girl,” you mocked him jokingly. When he shot you a murderous gaze, you raised your hands up in the air to signal your innocence. “Okay, okay, we’ll stick to raspberry bubbles. Send it to me when you feel uncomfortable, or just, you know, whenever you want to be saved.” 

Max cocked up one eyebrow. “Oh, I want to be saved by Bucky any time of the day.” 

Both of you exploded in laughter again, just when Bucky returned from the shed, carrying the heavy lawn mower in his arms, grunting as he stepped through the doorway. The nerves in his arms popped out with tension, showing off his ripped muscles. He growled when you were laughing with Max, again. “Want me to put in your car?” he asked Max curtly. 

Max was gawking at Bucky’s tense body, which was something only you noticed, not Bucky. “Jesus,” you cursed, nudging Max in the ribs with your elbow. “Raspberry bubbles!” 

Max coughed loudly to mask the fact he had basically been drooling over your boyfriend. “Yes, thank you,” he said to Bucky. 

Bucky was once again caught off guard when the two of you started giggling unstoppably, after having used the ridiculous safe word for the first time. He could feel his heart sinking when he saw you so happy with someone else. “Be right back,” he informed you, though he doubted that you were even listening to him. 

“Well, raspberry bubbles has already proven to be successful,” Max joked with a shrug, receiving your deadly stare and smiling through it. “I am serious about this, though. I do want you and Bucky to come rescue me. Like, I refuse to get murdered when I have connections with the Winter Soldier. That’d just be stupid.” 

“Right,” you snorted. “We’ll be there, I promise.” 

Bucky returned, shoulders tense as he studied the vibe between Max and you. “You really shouldn’t leave your car unlocked,” Bucky grunted at Max.

Max aimed his fingerguns at Bucky. “Thank you for the tip. It was just a short visit, so I’ll get going now. Thanks for the land mower.” He finished his orange juice, kissed you on the cheek, waved goodbye to Bucky. You walked him out, wishing him good luck on his date and promising to remember raspberry bubbles. 

As soon as Max was out the door, Bucky grumbled a number of inaudible curses from the forties that made you raise your eyebrows. “Okay, Buck,” you grinned, crossing your arms over your chest. “What’s on your mind?”

Bucky stood still, pointing at the door. “You’re spending too much time with that guy,” he said decisively. “All those... All those inside jokes. I understand like one percent of what you’re talking about. And I don’t mind you having guy-friends but, but this is getting out of hand! I want--” He inhaled sharply, his face making a pouty turtle face. 

“Yes,” you were still smiling, amazed by how awkward Bucky looked, “What do you want?” 

Bucky shrugged uncomfortably. “I... I want to be the one to make you happy like that.” 

“First of all, you do make me happy,” you intoned, reaching out to him, smiling when he grabbed your hand with a stifled sigh. “Are you jealous?” you asked, your brows shooting up. Not once during your entire relationship had you thought Bucky could ever even remotely suspect that you’d be interested in someone else--Bucky was so far out of your league that you could do nothing but admire him and thank all the gods for him. 

Bucky’s face flushed bright red. “I... I’m not... Why would you--No, I’m not...” he stopped and forced himself to take a deep breath. He needed a second, and then bore his blue eyes straight into yours. “Okay, yes, I might be a little jealous.” 

You squeezed his hand. “You do know that Max is gay, right?”

Bucky frowned. “So?” 

“Well,” you returned his frown, “It’s not as if he’s, you know, hitting on me. He’s not interested in me in that way, so you don’t have to worry that something like that’s going to happen. Not that I’d ever do that anyway, but you get it. He’s more interested in you, that way, anyway.” 

“I don’t care that he’s gay, that’s not the point,” Bucky busted out. “But you’re spending so much time with him and it seems like you two are just the best of friends, but...”

“But you want to be my best friend?” 

Bucky’s chest stopped moving as he appeared to be holding his breath, studying your face intensely. He stared at you for so long that you had to look away, feeling goosebumps rise on your arms. Bucky then nodded firmly. “Yes. I want to be your best friend.” 

You smiled cheekily. “You want me to friend-zone you?” Moving closer to him, you could feel his body stir. “Friends don’t kiss friends, you know. Friends don’t do a lot of things that we do.” 

Bucky pouted, placing his hands on your hips to draw you closer to him. “You know very well that I want to do all that, too.” 

“Now I’m really confused as to what you want, Buck,” you said teasingly. 

“Please stop mocking me,” Bucky murmured. His hands were roaming your flowered shorts, remembering how he’d intended to compliment the way you looked before he’d spotted Max. “This outfit looks good on you,” he said, using it as an excuse to grab your ass and lift you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist, feeling him underneath you. “But, you also look good without the outfit.” He kissed you hard, tongues fighting for dominance, sending chills down your spine. Bucky made you feel unlike any other man had ever done. 

His sloppy kisses went down your neck, making you tilt your head to give him more access. “Is that something you’d say to your best friend?” you brought out. 

“No,” Bucky growled between kisses, leaving marks on your skin. “I say that to the love of my life. I love you so fucking much, doll.”

His words made you feel warm, electricity spreading through every cell in your body. “I love you too, Bucky.”

And that afternoon, oh boy, he showed you just how much he loved you. 

[sweetenby]

Hey I saw you said that you’d never heard of a good GSA. My (all-girls Catholic) high school actually didn’t want us to start one, so we called it girls for social awareness and talked about everything from racism in consumer products to gender identity to sexual assault in the Catholic Church. It was really good to be able to be open. Also, my college chapter of oSTEM was very friendly and excellent. I understand where your feelings come from, but IRL communities can exist and be great.

Context: I saw this ask last night 

and left this comment because I was half asleep and had spent the day weirdly thinking about my bad GSA experiences, more on that in a bit.

I have no issue with irl queer spaces. Seriously I spend people much all my spare time at my schools LGBT center. I guess I can kind of see where you might think I’m talking about all irl spaces from what I said but I was not. No my beef is with GSAs, Gay Straight alliances. Please don’t read this and think I dislike the concept of GSAs I do not. I think it’s necessary to have spaces for allies and lgbt people to meet and talk. However I think there also needs to be a place that is just for LGBT people. My comment was pretty broad but like I said I was just very frustrated by both the ask and remembering my experiences. 

I don’t know how universal this experience is but at my high school GSA it was very much catering to the straight people. The first year I was there the president was a straight guy who literally told us “I’m only in this position because I wanted it on my college apps” yeah. There also was a bi girl who brought her straight boyfriend (fine) who would sometimes make out in the back of the room (not fine). I don’t remember ever learn anything in that group that helped me as a queer kid growing up I just remember feeling kind of out of place and unsure of what was happening.

The next year was even worse. There were three presidents, A straight guy who identified himself as a “Metrosexual” never mind the fact he dressed like a used car salesman stereotype. A lesbian who called herself bisexual because she like both girls and nb people “so it’s two I’m bisexual” it was confusing. And then another bi girl who I don’t remember all that well. I very vividly remember the straight man forcing himself into every discussing and if we ever even implied that someone could idenfity as something other than LGBT by that I mean, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Trans (but only binary trans), then he’d shut down the whole discussion and make us talk about something else. I at the time identified as asexual. One meeting I was talking about this and defining asexual and answering questions people were asking me. When str8 man stepped up and gave a long speech backed up by the adult sponsor of the club that said there was no way I could know I was asexual because I was “too Young to know”. Basically in their haste to say you couldn’t be asexual they basically told a group of queer teenagers just trying to figure themselves out that they couldn't know what their sexuality was because they were “too young”. So people stop going to the group because it was no longer a safe space for actual LGBT people. 

GSAs are fine but they’re no safe space. As soon as you have to start catering to straight people to make sure their comfortable and you don’t distress them w/ your queerness it’s no longer a queer safe space. There needs to be options. I wasn’t very specific but what I really mean is just I wish high schools would stop it with GSAs and let queer kids have a space to themselves. But I doubt thats going to happen because I know if I had tried that at my high school the administration would have gone nuts. Probably say we were a hate group bc we were excluding straight people. I also live in a very very conservative state the lgbt kids were basically told “you're lucky we even let you have this GSA stop complaining.” I’m sure someone somewhere had a good GSA but I’m just saying that to majority of LGBT people I’ve talked too they’ve said their GSA wasn’t a good space for them. 

[lovingtrance]

I got dumped

On December 21st my partner of 5 years, who I lived with for 2 and a half, told me he’s no longer attracted to me and only views me as a best friend. He said there’s more in store for him than “just a safe relationship.”

While we were together I was keeping a running list of all the reasons I loved him. But for my own well-being I’ve decided to start keeping a running list of annoying and toxic things about him. I’m posting it here for your viewing pleasures:

1. I had to constantly remind a grown man he had to brush his teeth. Often times having to convince him to not skip it bc he would sometimes go days without brushing. And this was NOT due to depression. Truly. It was just laziness and a lack of urgency to practice basic hygiene.

2. He would pick his nose and wipe it on just about anything. Furniture, his clothes, his side of the bed, my side of the bed, his car seat no matter whose car, etc.

3. He’d constantly ask “are you gay” as if it was a joke.

4. In general he reveled in pushing my buttons and saying things that I found boarderline offensive.

5. Near the end especially, but in general it was like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with me doing something he didn’t have a personal investment in. If it wasn’t an activity he enjoyed he didn’t want to do it with me.

6. When I would try to spend time with him 9/10 he’d say “I’d rather play call of duty.” His call of duty playing was a daily occueance. On weeknights it was from the time he got home from work until bed. He’d stop just to spend about 30 minutes with me for the dinner I made. This was EVERY NIGHT. And on weekends it would be about 3/4 of the weekend every time.

7. A few days before NYE of 2019 (to celebrate the start of 2020) he went out with a few of his friends to drink. Apparently someone said they didn’t like my plan for NYE and another person agreed. He took offense to that and came home drunk and angry. He ranted about how much he hates them, hates our home town, and how mad he was. I tried to calm him down and he got mad I wasn’t on his side and threw a chair across the room while yelling so loud it woke his parents and sister. He then went to his bedroom and I tried to calm him and he got mad I was “taking their side” and tried to physically kick me off the bed. As if he was a toddler.

8. When I said “no you will not treat me that way. I’m not your punching bag” and called a friend to pick me up he tried every manipulation tactic in the book. First he called to apologize. Then when that didn’t work he tried to plead and promised he didn’t mean it and he wasn’t trying to hurt me. Then he turned and said it was typical that I left bc everyone leaves him and I don’t care. I’ve never cared. After that tactic didn’t work he said he was going to kill himself. All while his sister was texting me saying he was just eating chicken strips on the couch watching TV.

9. The next day he gave me the silent treatment and treated me like I was the one who hurt him and I was the problem. He was trying to give me the cold shoulder so I’d break down, beg for his forgiveness, and beg him to open up and forgive me and talk to me. This was a typical thing for him in the past. If I ever told him he hurt me or tried to put up a boundary for my own mental and physical well being he’d flip it and put up a wall so I’d have to beg him to open up and I’d end up being the one apologizing.

10. He cheated on me in 2016 with women he’d meet up with from Craigslist for casual hook ups. He then insisted we were never exclusive even though we absolutely were and had already said I love you to each other.

11. On my 22nd birthday we went out to bars together. He had a list of bars he wanted to stop at. We’re from MO and were in San Francisco. The 3rd or 4th bar had a bouncer who saw his MO ID and insisted it was fake. I was using my passport since my ID expired on my birthday. When I told the bouncer I’m also from MO and the ID is legit they gave it back but turned us away. That made him mad so we went home and then he got upset I didn’t want sex. I sort of agreed anyway but then withdrew consent. He got SO mad about that. He started screaming and shouting about how I was jerking him around and he was upset and confused. He threw his fan at the wall and broke a hole in the wall. He started pacing around the room and then I called a friend and said I was leaving for my safety. That made him even more upset and he started pacing around the hallway of his apartment building while NAKED. I convinced him to cover up but the manic episode continued and he paced in the street as well. The cops were called by a neighbor. I was mortified. But we stayed together bc I couldn’t find my ID to be able to leave that night. Then we slept it off in separate buildings and came back together the next day to talk it out. We both apologized and stayed together.

12. About a year before that he got upset I couldn’t have Skype sex with him every night even though I was a full time student working a full time job. He frame it as though he was willing to make compromises for me but I refused to do the same for him. Even though I’d already forgiven him for the Craigslist cheating caused by his “sex addiction”

13. He said he was breaking up with me bc he wanted more “intimacy” and knew that he was meant to have a relationship that had more spark basically. He made it seem like yet again I was the problem for not having enough sex with him. Despite the fact I tried to initiate sex with him many times over the last few months and we would reject me almost every time. Often times saying he would rather play call of duty.

14. When we first moved in together I did some laundry. A few days later he realized a few random things were missing. A pair of underwear or two, a shirt. He accused me of losing them by forgetting them in the apartment laundry room. I swore I didn’t but he didn’t believe me and yelled at me. I told him they’re just clothes and I’ll replace them and he still yelled. I suggested maybe he forgot them back at his parents’ house but he swore he didn’t. A few days later a package arrived from his parents containing all the “lost” clothes. I did not receive an apology until I requested one.

15. We were long distance for the first few years of our relationship. I would go to visit him every spring break and fall break (my school had fall break). Once when I went to visit we went over to his frat house for a party for st. Patrick’s day. I was having a good time getting two know two foreign students (one girl and one guy). When we walked back to his place we were sitting outside the building while he smoked a cigarette and he got mad at me and asked me why I acted the way I did at the party. I was confused bc I didn’t think I was acting differently than usual. He said by making friends with those people I was basically being obnoxious and annoying- like I was trying too hard. It broke my heart. It was like he expected me to just be a wall flower or hang on his hip the whole night. It was so unfair bc obviously I didn’t know anyone there it’s not my school. So did he just expect me not to have a good time?

16. The one other time he had me go to a party at the house I went to the bathroom on my own. I remembered where it was and told him “I’m going to the bathroom” and got up from my seat. When I came back he was being weird to me and basically implied he thought I walked away to go cheat on him?... even though I was gone less than 5 minutes and I knew no one there!

17. Once in late 2017 early 2018 one of my close friends came over to hang out and drink wine in my living room. She mentioned she’d done this app called Cake where you live stream whatever and people pay you. We decided to just sit around in our underwear and drink wine to make her some extra money. I told him about it and he freaked out. He contacted her on FB and went off on her telling her she disrespected our relationship and manipulated me. He told me I was drunk and let my friend manipulate me. I told him that’s not true at all and everything I did I did bc I wanted to and was comfortable doing so. I never crossed a line. I never even interacted with a person. We just set up a camera and barely acknowledged the comments. He was acting like I was his child or property and I didn’t have agency of my own. He also told me I cheated and I needed to admit I cheated so we could move on. As if it’s not my body and my choice who I allow to see me wearing the equivalent of a bikini. And he definitely had no right to contact my friend and scold her and shame her. He acted like I was his to control and I was a toy my friend took and misused without his permission. It was disgusting and so painful to deal with. I felt awful about myself for days.

18. He was and is such a hypocrite. He even admitted to me before the Cake incident that he once did cam stuff but quit bc he was bothered by how many men tuned in and barely any women. He was also hypocritical about spending money. He would criticize me for spending $50 on new clothes at target or wanting to spend $30 every few weeks to splurge on eating out. But then he’d spend $100s-$1000s of dollars at a time on his hobbies like gaming, bowling, his guitar, etc.

19. In April of 2020 I told him I wanted us to be more romantic. I wanted us both to be better about making an effort to show each other we had a romantic attraction to one another. He told me “you expect too much. You ask for too much.” This is the same man who 8 months later told me he was leaving me bc there was no more “spark.” I EXPLICITLY asked him to work with me to keep the spark going and he said “you ask for too much.”

20. Also in April of 2020 he got upset the recycling bin was starting to smell. Over time some of the containers had leaked the small bit of contents they had left and created a film on the bottom of the bin. He blamed me because he “always rinses containers before recycling them.” I tried to explain “yeah but that’s just because you leave them sitting on the counter to be rinsed and then never rinse them. I too am bad about not rinsing, so I just put your pile and my stuff straight in the bin.” I explained that technically yes, I recycle more items, but only because he leaves me to do it. He told me I HAD to clean the bin. I said “I’m not your servant. I’m not at your beck and call and I don’t HAVE to do anything.” That made him angry so he said “maybe I should just pour milk all over your clothes then?” Shocked I of course asked “why would you do that?” I also wondered “what clothes? The clothes I have on the drying rack next to the kitchen? Or the clothes in the closet? The ones I’m wearing?” He said “you pour milk in the recycling bin. It’s the same thing.” Like truly- what a manipulative, illogical ASSHOLE.

21. When breaking up with me he told me “I’m sure you’ve noticed I haven’t wanted to have sex with you the past few months.” I said “yes I thought it was stress from work.” Then he said “no I’m just no longer physically attracted to you.” I asked what we could do. Should we spice things up? Should we go to a sex therapist? He said there was no point. But fear not reader- it’s not that he’s gay (yes he felt the need to clarify that) it’s just that he’s not attracted me specifically. He said honestly he just wasn’t happy because there was no spark. And there was this (apparently) indescribable element that had never really had been in all 6 years. There had always been something missing that he had in other relationships. I said THERE WAS ONLY ONE OTHER RELATIONSHIP WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! He had one other serious girlfriend before me and they were together between the ages of 15-18. Yes he’d had other flings and sexual partners obviously, but nothing that even came close to the level of commitment or sheer length of relationship we had. But sure- go ahead and compare what we have to a high school relationship and a handful of college hookups.

[mysmeshc]

Eyyyyyy mate, could I maybe get some RFA+V+Unknown scenarios with a tomboy MC? Full package of Mistaken For Gay kind of tomboy (short hair, wears men's clothes, lacks makeup 95% of the time, has more guy friends than girl friends, etc., etc.), whole nine yards. Not gonna go through the trouble of discluding Jaehee because reasons but you can write that one platonic or romantic as you see fit. as a smol straight tomboy i want to feel validated here because obvious reasons

Ofc!! You’re beautiful just the way you are!!

RFA +V + Saeran react to Tomboy MC

Yoosung- Yoosung was surprised when he saw you for the first time. - You never came off as very feminine, but for some reason he pictured you with long hair and softer features. - So when you show up to the party wearing a similar outfit to his own he was definitely thrown for a loop. - “Yoosung? Hi! It’s me, MC!” He blinked in response. - “MC… is that, really you?” - You immediately knew why he was confused and you were crushed. - You didn’t blame him, but you had hoped he grew to enjoy your personality more than your external appearance. - “I’m sorry, Yoosung, but this is who I am. I’m not interested in make up and dresses and other feminine things- not that there’s anything wrong with that!!- It’s just really not my cup of tea…” you rubbed your neck sheepishly. - Yoosung blinked once more before shaking his head slightly and smiling. - “MC!! I don’t care if you’re not girly! I just wish you would have told me! We could have coordinated matching bow ties!” he grabbed your hands, finding it hard to make eye contact after what he said. - “I’m glad you are the way you are…”- AWE MY PRECIOUS BBY- When you smiled back up at him he thought he was gonna faint. - You were breathtaking.

Zen- When he flirted with you over chat he did refer to you as very feminine, so to say you were nervous was an understatement. - You really liked him, and it seemed he really liked you, but you knew that your appearance could be called… unexpected. - Jaehee had short hair like you, but her face and body screamed femininity, while yours was much more androgynous. - It wasn’t that you had a problem with how you looked! - You just hoped that your appearance wouldn’t be a deciding factor between you and Zen. - So upon seeing a long white ponytail in front of you it was hard not to panic. - so, like the brave lil tomboy u were, you tapped him on the shoulder. - “Hm, yes-” - “Hi Zen! I’m, uh… I’m MC!” - His eyes opened slightly before a gentle smile took over his once surprised expression. - “You have no idea how much it means to meet you.” he grabbed your hands and kissed your knuckles, treating you like a princess. - “Z-Zen! You don’t… You don’t mind the way I look?”- omg he looked OFFENDED- “MC, what could you possibly mean? You and I are the most gorgeous people in this room!” He winked. - cue ur face turning into a straight up tomato- “But really, MC, you’re perfect just the way you are.”

(I’ll skip Jaehee since you didn’t seem worried whether she was here or not)

Jumin- oh boy was he excited to meet you- Literally felt like a child on christmas morning- He was even more excited when you agreed to wear the dress he bought you. - you seemed hesitant but he concluded that you were worried about cost, which he ensured you he had covered. - he tried hard to keep composure but when word came through that you arrived he spoedwalked to the front of the party like it was NOBODIES business- Jumin is now Nyoomin- He looked around frantically until a gentle tug at his coat sleeve caught his attention.- “Hi Jumin, I’m MC.” you greeted warmly. - “MC…” He looked down upon you and you looked… uncomfortable. - “MC, are you okay? Is the dress the right size? You seem unhappy…”- Just like you could read through his bullshit he could read through yours. - You sighed, having dissapointed him in your eyes. - “I’m sorry Jumin, it’s a beautiful dress! And it fits like a glove! It’s just that… I don’t really like wearing dresses. It’s not my style, you know? I’d much rather wear what Yoosung is wearing…” You rubbed your arm, glancing off in Yoosungs direction. - Jumin looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes widened slightly with his lower lip barely puckered out. - “MC I wish you would have told me… I never want to be the reason you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel beautiful.” He grabbed your hands in his. - awe this man is too good and too kind- “Jumin it’s okay, I just thought you wouldn’t find me beautiful if I-”- OH HE WAS HAVING NONE OF THIS- “I would have to be the stupidest man on earth to not find you mind numbing my beautiful! No matter what you’re wearing, you’re my MC.”- … His MC?- Jumin realized what he just said and coughed, breaking eye contact. - “I- uh, What I meant by that was-”- you cut off his stutters by giggling behind your hand. - “It’s okay Jumin. I… I feel the same way.”- The smile that just lit up that man’s face is a smile you would never forget.

Seven- Bruh u could have shown up wearing Optimus Prime cosplay and he would still be like “LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL MC!!”- 100% loves how tomboyish you are. - When you arrived he nearly tackled you with a hug. - “MC!! You’re finally here! In person! HOW CRAZY IS THAT!!”- “Seven! Calm down! It’s just me…”- oh was that a smidge of SELF DOUBT HE DOTH HEAR?!?- oh no sweaty ;)- not on his watch- “Ya, MC, just you. that’s like saying the Mona Lisa is JUST a painting! or that Doge is JUST a meme!”- awe that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to u :’)- Seven understood your attitude though, when the waiter addressed you as sir. - He saw your confidence drop and knew exactly how to fix it!- “Actually, sir, it’s ma'am-”- “I think he was referring to moi~” you looked over and he had a LONG ASS WIG ON WTF WHERE DID HE GET THAT??!- you broke out in laughter as he used a redoculous high voice. - “See, MC? that waiter was just stupid! If putting on a wig makes him question my gender shows that he’s the problem, not you, so keep on keepin on with ya cute self!”- and that you did.

V- Honestly V had no clue bc u know he’s basically blind. - He could almost see your silhouette but just barely. - He was so overjoyed to meet you that he didn’t really consider that much about what you look like. - He was falling in love with your kind personality. - “Excuse me, sir, would you like anything to drink?”- V was about to answer when you cut him off. - “A-Actually, it’s ma'am.”- wait he wasn’t a ma'am what are you talking abo-- “I’m terribly sorry ma'am! please what would you like to drink?”- you ordered and he turned to V- “And you, sir?”- wait… the waiter thought you were a sir?- V ordered and as soon as the waiter left V smiled. - “Was the waiter blind too?”- when you didn’t laugh, but instead sigh, he got concerned. - “If you could see how much I looked like a boy you wouldn’t be surprised.”- oh no MC- “Well, then, even though I’m blind, I can clearly see a beautiful woman standing in front of me.”- “V… That’s very sweet but i’m over here.” you giggled, tapping on his shoulder. - V turned towards the sound of your voice, an embarrassed blush painting his cheeks. - “Ah, I’m sorry… but i still find you incredibly beautiful, MC.”- AWE V

Unknown (I’m gonna have this where he is found and at the party with Seven so this is where u meet him but u 2 had been talking and such on the messenger app b4)

- Despite his cold demeanor, Saeran wasn’t intentionally cruel- unless u were Seven lolol- but otherwise he was just straight up neutral. - so when u introduced yourself you were expecting a “hey dude/bro/other masculin nickname” - but instead when you said hi all you got was a “hey mc”- okay could u be ANY MORE disinterested. - you managed to talk to him, your nerves not easing throughout the conversation, afraid that he’ll bring up your appearance. - It takes him a while to notice your discomfort. - you’re in the middle of talking when he cuts you off - “Hey, stop acting all… tense and shit.”- ???- how did he know??- “I’m sorry, Saeran… I just thought you would reject me sooner or later.”- he raised an eyebrow - “It’s just that I look so much like a boy and-”- “Do I look like someone who gives a flying fuck about what people wear? For the love of God, MC, I wear chokers and I paint my nails. Fuck what society thinks a girl needs to look like. Who cares?”- you just stared at him in awe- “Wow… Thanks, Saeran.”- He looks back at you, ruffling your hair and the smallest hint of a smile graces his face. - “Don’t mention it.”

[ubelyptus]

soooooooooooo bb,,,...,.,,,strawberrry.

......I JUST FIND IT

  interestinggggggggg

how you Big mad cuz MY block game seeems 

skrong or summn

hanh???

oh.

well.

i never blockedt you 

on snapchat 

or whatsapp (you weren’t even muted),

yup, i still haven’t

but i didn’t have a properly working phone...

still......don’t

but either way you keep threatening to split on me 

like a weapon…fcking

manipulative as shit

it just seems to me that you just want to?

you never imprinted tho 

but she did 

so why should you?

i won’t ever, again, fight....

….with you.

my favorite accomplice

i wanted to learn with an open mind 

even after my phone died 

how to remain soft with you.  

even after being callled 

“old news" 

pffft

at least until

 i ‘m  eventually murdered by a cisgender man...

but

don’t fckn

pppppppop shit 

cuz like….. literally…..all i did was change my url.

shit, i Only blockedt you AFTER i saw you referencing gaslighting.

bc uhmm IIIIIIif that is about meeeeeeeeeeee 

ha!!!

 how fucking dare you.…..lyk....wuhh?

like when you said there is no difference between syn and alesia?????

HANH?

oh, but you think i blockedt you first bc i didn’t wanna get my feelings hurt?

….mhhhhhhh. ok.

seeems odd since you’re not liar 

right, eli????

but,,,,,so what’s this about the cozi password change? am i just shifting too rapidly between your and my reality???

bet.

no, i blocked you on things after THAT 

AND THAT WAS TODAY

oh, and didn’t your friend, my so-called “fighting buddy,” anan…

.just,,,,,fckn block me like i’m useless

trash

randomnly 

after all

i asked 

was that they 

not speak to me 

about you?

but YAAAAAAS  twas ONLY Me and simply Myself and just i 

who ain’t wanna get….hurt.

hanh?????

oh ,

obvi,

yeaaaaaaa

yeeeei

truuuu,

sooooo 

sssssorry,,,,but

calling me “old news” or saying i’m “old too” 

don’t forget your girl is 2 yrs older than you 

and then staying silent for these few days about changing passwords

that..... already did that, boo

at least i sent alesia third party emails thru the app, boo

she pushin 30 and can only talk you 

venuse....????. no....a 

talking and 

w a l k i ng tragedy

entyway don’t bring that up just to be loud and wrong about that too

you’re not always wrong tho, you know

you’d probably fuck up and slit my throat 

 powertripping

when i’m wrong about you

and you can only do that if you

 black and white 

me out 

to NEVER BE WRONG 

AND I DO 

ACTUALLLY HATE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!!! 

WHY CAN’T I EVER BE WRONG, ELI???? 

WHY????//

OH your emotions....? about your father that after 6 yrs you didn’t tell me about?

your reality? when you have a habit of projecting?

 and lowkey being dishonest 

to yourself first

 and then subsequently

 to me????

your time? when i’m mostly on yours?????

your efforts? like ripping up notes and telling me 

“my turn” to get fucked 

by you 

was over

when the only reason i was tiredt

was bc i crashed

too tiredt after explaining to You

that

  i‘m not even going to LET you play middleman

for a baby pushign 30????

oh. bet.

but since we’re being transparent:

here are receipts with timestamps:

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-hop-hop

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop+hop+bun

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-bunny

yea you must love dirty laundry

oh.

but that’s what i knew about you.

oh:

be yr own guest my love

i Knew you would ignore the “old news” message since that's literally when you started telling on yourself 

you do treat trans partners

 like side hoes, 

thasssa wholeBET 

and some change

 for you to create

cuz thassssssss 

how you feel about me fr fr

so that “like” is mine but

  i…..actually really Really love that you laughed tho.

bc i haven’t heard you fully belly laugh in a long time.

if ever iirh.

even after knowing you for 6+ years, 

your supposed “first friend “ in the DMV

the person i can trust my life with

the only

you’re my only...

 ,,,,,even after i spiraled 

and cut myself for the first time since middle school?

now my friends are fucking spotting you 

and talking to each other 

about you

oh, you didn’t know. 

but i got mehndi done today 

let a summer baby boy

love 

a cut up 

by me

body

 before noon

today 

thinking i’d see you and we could talk like,,,,

…..like real people do.

and you’d be distracted by the design and not zone in

 on the failed cuts

 on my wrist 

since i’m shit at not just repeatedly carving into 

white meat

 when i can only use a ceramic blade

i just didn’t WANT you to 

so i never “came home to [you]”

you said that on nov 4th/5th of last year

and

i’ve been looking up bpd all day

eventho i told you

  i don’t trust the internet 

sooooo you not telling me 

didn’t hel p

but it’snot at all your job to 

and i sitll

stilllstil stil stilllca’t see

....and i dind’t want you to see.

bc i’m not just a man.

i’m still femme

which you seem to love to forget

and still soft enough, i think.....

i hope…..or learning to be soft,,,,

where it won’t get me killed,,,,,

but where it still counts.

with…or without you.

either way i’m a man who loves you. a man whose phone died at 28% trying to get you to see that i was trying to be soft even after you called me

 “old news”

but,,,,,.....,,,compared to …..who?????? sh....oooo??????

your new girlfriend who is 1 or 2 years older than you?????

and can’t speak to me 

a man who is only barely out of 23???

and instead only whispers

 to you?????

bruh, she’s clearly not fond of me. 

and you’re not a liar , 

so don’t 

she had to tell you that she wasn’t the one putting out “aggy energy”

specifically

during yennayer which

i ruined

and im still sorru

but which means

she’s probably done it in your apartment on purpose already, boo

didn’t think of that, did you

lingustically.,,,,,nope.

oh, but there’s power in a whisper, darling.

i am just cardinal like you

i am air too.

  i should know 

bc i accidentally whistled....and,,,,,,

i only blockedt you so that you wouldn’t “hurt [your] own feelings”

 like you told anan you sometimes do.

sooooooooooooo yea... i

did it so you wouldn’t hurt you. 

as cardinal water/pisces moons 

are prone to do.

you can;t drain

and you can’t drown

 ain’t that how i affirmed you

i already hurt me 

when i dissociated 

and i’m STILL FUCKING sorry 

that there was blood that you had to see. 

i couldn’t stay in my body long enough to clean fast enough

but i still didn’t want you to hurt you bc of me.

like you did repeatedly

bc of bpd or bc of basically cishet or at least cis ~queer girls

or other partners 

like when you were with kat,

who’s still disgustingly attached to a messy white

and now a new black kid.....

or with shushoo.

and how you might with alesia.

no, correction: how you have with alesia. 

how you will continue to, if you’re not careful, with alesia.

you’re a lion facing a prince of a house kitten ,....,

.,, who is homeless.

do you feel good, big boss?

all i asked was for you to listen t

o how you were speaking to me 

on the phone 

at your place of work 

and when she’s there

possibly a place of worshiop

..... even after i told you 

that i was intentionally putting energy into Not fighting you

and you

  say you

"don’t wanna be a middle person" 

but you also….wanna cape for yet another fucking cis girl.

who isn’t even muslim this time. 

HOWtragic.

i couldn’t laugh

couldn’t ever laugh at sway

bc by whatever fortune if you do split or don’t 

 i still  love you

i love you too much

but in those moments after that phone call….

after my phone died…

and my body couldn’t move to charge it.

wouldn’t move….

and all i could do was cry during the adhan.

bc you’re tooo much like matt now

i wish i knew what it could feel like to

 hate someone 

who called you 

"OLD NEWS” 

compared to a bitch pushing 30 

youza WHOLE fuckn clown, dawg.

matt did this same shit

move me out for a new side bitch

yet anotehr cis

look at how cute trans love can be

oh

no

NO

no,

no

no

this is what you give me:

laughter.

BC what fucking luck.

BUT IT’S gotta be TROOF

  s ince you don’t lie?/?

shit I LAUGHED TOO:

it sounds like….

NEITHER OF US

KNEW WHAT COULD

HAVE BROUGHT US

HERE, ELI.

maybe you nursing poison in your own home

and telling me i’m making you feel unwelcomed

on a blog and not to my face did it

fuckingggggggggg. why’ald.

you think it’s too much sweat????? false. 

that apartment stayed cold.

too many tears?

 ok ok yea troof.

but too much love? forreal?

we?????

ooooop

hoooop!!!

oh, you speakin’ french now. our collective colonizers tongue in 20gayteeeeeeeen?????

CAN’T RELATE 

bc I’M TOOOOOO GAY

wow. we ruined it, fam???? fr fr?

nah, chosen fam.

you ruined us.

you ruined us over:

 a cis girl and

your own impatience

and your own anger.

and my slow brain and my slow body

//

i’m not sure she’d find you from maryland

if you dissociated bc your other semi

 but not 

girlfriend emotionally abused you

until people who didn’t know you were muslim

thought you were fucking drunk

and you fucking stilllllll 

work with her?????

why couldn’t you just wait until she found a new job???

ain’t she trying????

or izzzzzz she??????

hahhnh???

where was the damn rush?????

you’re like two goofy high schoool kids 

reaching for the quickest nuts every 6 hours

 like jesus fuck.

you’re irresponsible as shit telling me i’m a grown man making grown decisions and i see this 

?????

unREASONABLE, ELI.

this isn’t a situation of a kettle calling a pot black

 babe

bc i’m actually Black

and you’re not

but she’s black too.

what did i tell you:

"you datin’ two whole Niggas. if you fight me over her, you will lose either way.”

but instead you called me “obtuse”

SAT words for me

 but not for you…….what.,,,.,,,,,,,, fckn luck……..

what luck,,,,,that the one person who housed me consistently

and kept me alive

when i trusted no one

would call me "old news”

and let their cis girlfriend

 turn herself into your

personal "healing” …...

sibkid. \\\\

howTragic like all of CC’18

you know what happens when you slip and get sloppy and let a baby bitch be responsible for your healing?

she leaves. 

for a real bitch 

with microhealing abilities, 

GOOFY.

she worships a new goddess every friday?????

well, i know only of orixas 

and only of black power

 but from what i know of goddesses OFF of OUR continent…

soooon...

at least one of them WILL want a soul from her

just letting you know it might not have to be hers.

…..OH!

and when i chargedt and openedt my phone after days of wandering. ….the last messages from you are:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID “LEAVE [[[[MMMMMYYYYYYY]]]]]] KEYS”

like a fucking baby.

imagine that.

even to you, i’m still a whore.

out…the…bakc….dooor.

??????

i couldn’t even work a john when i wanted to

 if i was sad about you.

but imagine?????

  a cis-pixie woman older than you

letting you treat her like a child?????

then

imagine me feeling shamed into leaving

bc of pictures of your smiling face

after i cut myself and felt shame 

that

in your unwelcomed  to both me and you

BLOOD

 blood 

is what brings me back

 to life.

how.

fucking.

why’yald.

i blockedt you so that you didn’t lurk.

bc THat is what you do.

instead of speaking with me, 

you seem to have expected me

 to read your blog back 7 years.

and just know all of the fatherly things that trigger you.

like…even during the times when i was afraid of my own phone and laptop for 2 months bc of my sister, brother, and birth parents????

funny how i’m the youngest of us “grown folks” and yet still find that really 

FUCKING

immature.

of YOU

to do

you really never knew me, or did you…..??

you donated to me before you even knew me.

so i know your heart has parts made of gold.

but now you show off your crystals and your gold.~~~

yep.

here we are.

you’ve "only every seen [me] as a boy.”

ok. bet.

and unti this post:

i’ve hardly heard you refer to me as a man.

so:

ain’t you late?

ain’t you late, babe??

ain’t you late?

i’m a year younger than you.

which means if you grown

i musta BEEN a man too, boo.

but you’ll always be

 my favorite accomplice

 and always be my favorite friend too.

but you cannot think you can play me by calling me

 “old too” or “old news"

 for young fish who is basically femme trade

and thinking i won’t cut open a fool.

which coincidentally always happens to be me

she’s hardly out to anybody important and lying at work too.

i must be bigger fool.

bc you knew better and didn’t do better.

but i’m being immature.

  ok ...,.,,.,,

cute.

your pisces moon is keeping you from seeing clearly but that’s what young water seems…to do. to much light reflected; tho it is a fountain of youth.

she’s pushing 30 baby 

but true, you’re her boo.

yea, a childish boo.

you ever wonder why her playlist from you had more songs than ours did?

why she can never keep a man around for valentines day?

oh but don’t you love “patterns”, baby????

unless it’s her leaving shit around the apartment

or her triggering you

or her treating your dick like it’s foreign, 

even to you.

my gay ass was shookedt 

when you told me you voluntarily 

triggered yourself

 for her kitty too

but i AM 

a grown man

 who is “running” from….you

you think that statement is not…. dishonest??

you really think that statement is true???

—

i didn’t run. i just

needed space

and you afforded me none.

you couldn’’t afford it.

february is before march which is before april 

sooooooo it’s always a tight month ain’t it???????

oooooooh but you afforded her plenty.

she gets to take off her fucking pants while i try to figure out if i should move from a spot next to you….

on your fucking bed.

she took off her pants to climb near you before she could even say hi to 

nooonoo

ahh right

and THEN ME.

“Oh, you CAN stay”

that’s what She told me.

and you said nothing.

so i left….the room.

i never run.

you pushed me out with your captain save-a-cis silence.

it’s violence.

and

you’re still pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing 

until me…you know 

i, the "old news” 

just feels like he should just 

fucking fall 

onto the district streets

and she finds it

to her fucking fancy 

to fall

 into your lap

like a damn,,,,zel. 

distressedt.

with a roof over her head outside of your apartment too.

woooooooops!

yip, as she is probably prone to do.

her kind….isn’t new….boo.

her kind isn’t new to me

her kind isn’t new to you

you ever wonder why she feels so familiar to you?

she reminds Me of the girl who told you 

she could never marry you 

and is now trying to date someone just like you

so don’t be so unkind to me 

or to you 

or be so foolish

 as to believe i gave up on you

you gave up on me

and on top of that

you think i just...ran

ran….with what clothing?

the ones you packed up for me and left at the door 

that i was suppose to pick up 

and slide out the back….like a fucking whore?

you just tryna be

a cissie's bae

who stay clownin on trans folks now?

oooooooh issa bet, mo

. i mean.,,,.,,.mhhhh i guess?

—==—

but troooof, i don’t “need" anybody.

but i want you.

but you need her.

that’s how it work, don’t it?????

that’s why you risk job security every day.

and let her leave her panties on my clothes.

and let her tell me i "can stay" in …..A, not MY, spot next to you

in yo'bed?

what fucking fools. the two of you.

but “no one is forcing [me] to"

oh, baby you /are/ forcing me too

i look on your blog and then find out you’ve been feeling “unwelcome in [your] own home”

this whole fucking time

all the way since early november, innit?????

if i love you at all, 

what else am i to do?????????????

??????????????????????????/

know that you will self-destruct 

and just…wait for you to????????????????????

???????????????????????????????/

no

i didn’t run.

you just fucking pushed me.

and you’re still fucking pushing.

and you’ll keep pushing.

bc that is what you do.

embe…..@strawberreli 

se sá’m te konne nu’ou.

you like microblogging so much

so like it if you read this shit

[meiqis-wife]

get to know me tag

hi everyone!!!

i was tagged by the lovely jade ( @lgbtluna ), thank you so so much for tagging me!!!

rules: answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to get to know better!

1. nicknames: kenzie

2. gender: girl

3. star sign: pisces

4. height: 165 cm (5′5″)

5. time: started 20:35, ended 21:23

6. birthday: march 12

7. favorite bands: stellar, bts, dal shabet, 9muses, 1D, exo

8. favorite solo artists: lim kim, hyosung, hyuna, dean, does kim lip count???

9. song stuck in my head: signal by twice, which is hilarious bc I am... not a fan of that song lol

10. last movie i watched: the force awakens

11. last show i watched: stranger things

12. when did i create my blog:  created my main blog on jan 5, 2014, (I was 14 lol) and this blog july 10, 2015 

13. what do i post:  bts, girl groups, exo

14. last thing i googled: “lapras weakness” (I was battling Red in SoulSilver lol... i won...)

15. do you have other blogs?: yeah, my main blog is @gayer-than-planned!! i’m a lot more active there than I am here

16. do you get asks?: lol no

17. why did you choose your url?: originally it was the-alpaca-acquaintances bc i just needed a blog name but I changed to to meiqis-wife when I got into wjsn bc meiqi is my beautiful, adorable wife and i love her lots and she deserves everything in the world wow im really gay

18. favorite colors: light pink

19. average hours of sleep: hahaha um well even when i’m in school I don’t get a consistent amount of sleep so anywhere between 5-7 hrs and 9-11 hrs depending on my schedule and shit... i have a really unhealthy sleep schedule it pisses my mom off bc I'm constantly napping...

20. lucky number: 15

21. instruments: basics of clarinet (kinda I haven’t played in 8 years), timpani, cymbals, other auxillary percussion, bass drum

22. what am i wearing: yoga pants and sweatshirt

23. how many blankets i sleep with?: normally 2

24. dream job: panda vet

25. dream trip: shit that's  a tie between paris, Greece (I want to honeymoon in Greece) and Italy (planning on studying abroad in rome currently we’ll see how that goes)

26. ethnicity: white

27. favorite song right now: pied piper by bts

28. put your music library on shuffle. first 6 songs that popped up?:

I have English music on apple music or whatever the app is called and my kpop stuff on Spotify so i’ll do both I guess??

english music: blank space by taylor swift, up and down by shinee (oops I lied but I swear I only have like 3 kpop songs that I've actually paid for), don’t threaten me with a good time by p!atd, diet mountain dew by lana del rey, killer in the home by adam and the ants, lowlife by poppy

kpop music: lucky one (Chinese vers bc I am a S L U T for exo m) by exo, monster by exo, playing with fire by blackpink, sentimental by winner (a fucking bop), talk talk by snsd (the one from IGAB not Lion Heart), whistle by blackpink

29. grab a book nearest to you and turn to page 23. what is line 17?: “... majority was attracted to the policies of the Left, which demanded com-” king of spies, by blaine harden

30. who is your celebrity crush?: oh wow there’s so many I mean daisy ridley for one, I also have a massive soft spot for yoongi and hyuna

31. do you drive? if so, have you ever crashed?: yeah i drive, I've had my license for 2.5 years, and it depends on what u mean by crash... I kissed bumpers with a car once but the other driver didn’t evne file a claim so

32. the last book you read: asjkdjaklsjd i haven’t read a book in so long... I think a clockwork orange??

33. worst injury you’ve had: definitely my knee(s), the dude i saw dismissed it as growing pain (which is such bullshit) but I was still doing taekwondo really intensely so to compensate i put too much stress on my right knee and now that one’s been giving me trouble lately... my hip is also an issue, there’s nothing worse than walking around a hilly campus when every step feels like there’s a knife wedged hip lol

34. do you have any obsessions right now?: if you count kpop as an obsession... otherwise I guess photography?? i just got a pentax k1000 for Christmas so i’m gonna start taking photos again but tbh my depression has slowly been taking all my interests away from me... if i had been asked this 2 years ago i would have said reasing but now i have like 20 unread books sitting by my bedside bc i just have no interest in reading anymore it’s really sad

35. do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?: lol yeahhhh it’s something i’m working on... like i know it’s really unhealthy to be hanging onto grudges but sometimes i just can’t help it

 i don’t have 20 blogs to tag so i’m gonna tag @merumalade, @immaletyoufinsihbutonew, @deathbypcy, and whoever else wants to do it!!! 

since I probably won’t be back on before the new year, and maybe not for a while afterwards (winter quarter starts on the 9th but i’m going to vacation before that) I want to wish everyone a wonderful new year!!! make 2018 your bitch!!

[tkrosalyn]

You should do them all

ah damn well okay..

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? yeah2. Have you ever faked orgasm? prolly3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? hmm it’s hella mainstream but to fly maybe?4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? nope imma in hella college debt5. Tell us some funny drunk story. yesterday I was at a music festival and I was so drunk I saw a horse and got so so excited and a cop was riding it and I asked to pet it and I almost cried bc their horses were so cute.6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? She was sneaky and manipulative 7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? idk something really cool but painless LMAO8. What are your current goals? to be happy with myself and do well in college9. Do you like someone? absolutely 10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? myself11. Do you like your body? absolutely not12. Can you keep a diet? yeah 13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? honestly I have no clue14. Do you work? yeah15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? salad16. Would you get a tattoo? yes & I have one 17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? traveling18. Can you drive? yeah19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? like 10 minutes ago20. What was the last thing you cried for? I don’t even know lmao21. Do you keep a journal? I keep a bullet journal22. Is life fun? sometimes 23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? lmao what24. What’s your dream car? Jeep Wrangler25. Are grades in school important? to me, yeah26. Describe your crush. @damnmicka27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? hm idrk28. What was your last lie? “I’ll come to the party tn”29. Dumbest lie you ever told? idrk30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? for me, yeah31. Something you did and you are proud of? living 32. What’s your favourite cocktail? don’t got one33. Something you are good at? nothing 34. Do you like small kids? YES35. How are you feeling right now? sad36. What would you name your daughter/son? I have so many names omg37. What do you need to be happy? @damnmicka38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? many lmao39. What was the last gift you received? flowers40. What was the last gift you gave? ...mustard. LMAO it’s a long story

41. What was the last concert you went to? twenty one pilots

42. Favourite place to shop at? American eagle43. Who inspires you? 44. How old were you when you first got drunk? 1745. How old were you when you first got high? 1745. How old were you when you first had sex? 16?46. When was your first kiss? no clue47. Something you want to do until the end of this year? be happy48. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? absolutely 49. Post a selfie. next post50. Who are you most comfortable around? @damnmicka and rhiannon51. Name one thing that terrifies you. uhh spiders52. What kind of books do you read? all kinds53. What would you tell your 12 year old self? it’s ok to love your body even if it’s not perfect. don’t restrict what you eat and don’t worry so much about what you look like54. What is your favourite flower? rose55. Any bad habits you have? smoking, drinking, I have bad eating habits too56. What kind of people are you attracted to? confident ones57. What was the last thing you cried for? no clue tbh 58. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? fish59. Are you in love? absolutely  60. Something you find romantic? picnics62. How long was your longest relationship? almost a year63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? pettiness, uh I don’t know64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? everything65. What are you saving money for? going to see Micka 66. How would you describe your bad side? reckless and careless67. Are you actually a good person? Why? eh not really lmaoo68. What are you living for? to see my girl 😍69. Have you ever done anything illegal? yeah70. Do you like your body? not one bit71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? I don’t think so 72. Ever sent nudes? ask Micka LMAO73. Have you ever cheated on someone? hm yeah but it was hella complicated74. Favourite candy? ooo kit Kats maybe?75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! @damnmicka 76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? nah77. Favourite TV series? Riverdale, Chicago Med, Grey’s, Superstore, FOSTERS OMGOMGOMG78. Are you religious? Does God exist? I’m not hella religious but I believe God exists79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? I think it was called All The Missing Girls & it was good80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? it’s awesome!! I wish I was able to be vegan but I don’t have the willpower lmao 81. How long have you been on Tumblr? 5 years82. Do you like Chineese food? YESSS83. McDonalds or Subway? Subway84. Vodka or whiskey? Vodka85. Alcohol or drugs? Alcohol86. Ever been out of your province/state/country? yes 87. Meaning behind your blog name? My family used to call me Rosalyn when I was younger88. What are you scared of? being alone, clowns, being kidnapped89. Last time you were insulted? yesterday90. Most traumatic experience ? I got into an accident leaving my college to go back to my high school LMAO91. Perfect date idea? tbh a big ass blanket fort w my favorite movie/shows and snacks92. Favourite app on your phone? tumblr93. What colour are the walls in your room? white94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? yeah, I’ve been watching Shane Dawson a lot but I also love Elijah and Christine and Bella Fiori’s Mystery Monday videos95. Share your favourite quote. I have tooooo many 96. What is the meaning of life? no fuckin clue and no one will ever know 97. Do you like horror movies? I do but I can’t watch them98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? yeah I told her I was gay LMAO99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? I feel hella lucky bc I have Micka100. Can you keep a secret? yeah

[circumswoop]

Black Movado: Frank Ocean and the Art of Time

As pseudonyms go, Frank Ocean is pretty straightforward. Right away you know this is emotive, aesthetic music: why get out of his dreams and into his car when you can do both? Take the innate politeness of a born Southerner, add the steel reserve of a bred lowlife and you get songs made from acrylic acids and fine glass powder. Ocean serenades the sea directly in “Swim Good” and “Blue Whale”. Remember the David Foster Wallace line from “Little Expressionless Animals” abt the sea looking like a big blue dog? Swimming with dolphins, incredibly, is the height of basic. But a blue whale? Years ago I read a piece of short fic, by whom I don’t remember, abt a lifeguard who saves a man from drowning and then later sees that man in public, like a restaurant or something, and he, the drowning man, does not recognize his saviour. I wish I cld run into the burning wreckage of whatever hard drive it was on and rescue that story.

More than anything, Frank Ocean’s music feels like falling thru different kinds of air. Figuring out the angles, or angels, of the artist who once asked us to imagine being thrown from a plane is trickier now than in 2011, not just because we’ll never be those kids again. 2011, year of Frank Ocean and the Weeknd, was when the Tumblr aesthetic peaked, with its treatment of visual culture as micrographic surgery, cutting away segments to freeze for a microscope, repeating until there is no more cancer. As palliative pastiche, Tumblr may never be equaled in the history of the internet. Why do you think Grimes, that bony collector of kitschy enthusiasms, still uses it (sort of)? Why do you think Frank Ocean, parachute artist, still uses it(sort of)? Why do you think I still use it (lol, sort of)? If you are a cutter but not of skin, you cut images, or text, and paste them on a blog in lieu of a body. The word “blog” doesn’t mean anything anymore but it still has exactly the trunk space for a body.

A few days after Blonde dropped, I was talking to Yes abt it on Viber, the app we use to keep in touch now that he’s moved back to Greece. Affectionately, he accused me of being too topical bc I’d heard the record and he hadn’t. Then later, he sent me a video of him hearing “Nikes” for the first time, a master shot of him reacting and lowkey crying, a video he meant for his bf in New York but one he wanted me to see, as one of his designated watchers. Once he sent me a visual of him slamming, and this was almost more wrenching. Something about the way that song switches between weary dragging and witchy sweetness recalls one of my favorite lines of literature, from Ondaatje’s The English Patient: “There are stories the man recites quietly into the room which slip from level to level like a hawk”. (Ondaatje, pastiche royale, is a cutter if there ever was one.) There are stories we tell ourselves and stories we tell our loves. We think we see, just for a minute, the wings of an angel who has temporarily turned into a pickup truck. Or maybe we just hear them.

Frank did some time in church, as attested to on Tumblr: “My grandmother was pentecostal evangelical. She brought much of that fire and brimstone back to her household.”

50 versions of “White Ferrari”

Yes thinks Frank seems pretty gay. I myself do not, while getting that he is. Something about Frank’s testimony seems more like my own, meaning that of a boy who grew up like everyone else and then woke up one day, pretty recently, really exhausted. “Nikes”, for all its gunwales-and-all authenticism, was also a deadly indictment of the ruthless transactionality that passed for straight culture in 2016. Men being power brokers, and women rewarding them, acquires a harsher light when everyone’s in on the joke, when exploitation is the same thing as askance anymore. Yes told me he saw his file from when he was in Bellevue, and honestly they couldn’t figure out his sexuality, except I know for a fact he’s had sex with exclusively men for 3 years now. We discussed it once, and we agreed sort of glibly that girls just aren’t as down, and here’s why: they’re finally as trash about sex as men have been for millennia, but in the opposite direction. Now there’s a winking runway of lights laid out before every m/f interface, and the men are landing and the women are taking off.

I’ve always felt like Frank Ocean did not come out as gay so much as he seceded from the sexual polity. I myself have done this, little by little, over the last 18 months as my years-long relationship, and then another one, wrapped. Seduction and betrayal are an exhausting form of bone remodeling and I can’t deal with that distribution of weight anymore. There’s a reason some dicks are astringent. The curve of the penis is the curve of the earth.

Frank’s Tumblr, last fall: “Consciously though, I don’t want straight—a little bent is good.” Frank on “Siegfried”: I can’t relate to my peers/I’d rather live outside.

Think of another line from “Nikes”--“but if you need dick I got u”--as essentially a somnolent invite, shd sex ever come up. The paradigm of a man too busy for his woman may still be an eye-rolly turn-on, but if that usage slowly morphed into a kind of IOU--not a booty call, but sex on call--then that song accomplishes another mission. If it majors in telling leeches to unstick (these bitches want Nikes/they lookin for a check/tell em it ain’t likely), it minors in motivating the favorably unhorny to speak up for themselves. One of Frank’s most valuable adds has been this exhaustion--if he is in awe of Prince, he’s totally his inverse.

China, Japan, Oceania, France, just around. Casual.

Ocean is, incredibly, both world-spanning and alone. In last year’s NYT feature hosted by Jon Caramanica, he alluded to going on dates in London, keeping the hard drives of his music in a backpack, and skipping Blonde media to tool around anyplace that suited him. These revelations, or postcards, sealed Frank’s fate as patron saint of the voluntarily solitary, which may or may not be the same as the voluntarily committed. In the interview, Frank alludes to the “luxury of choice” which is pretty loaded but the expression of preference is the one thing they shd never take away from you, all the way down to the grout in your cell. Even if you never had it.

In his germinal book The Aesthetics of Disappearance, the writer and artist Paul Virilio famously offered a riffy, razzle-dazzle definition of “picnolepsy” as a kind of allergic reaction to speed--worldspeed or brainspeed, “a montage of temporalities”. This turning of what is essentially epilepsy into just a stunningly inept relationship with reality would seem glib or banal, even though Virilio credits Ambrose Pare’s qualification of epilepsy as “retention of feelings.” Except it also applies to time as a long passage, like a train tunnel, broken up by flashes of light or gleams of steel from above. Obviously this is me getting into Philo101 thru really overqualified means, but picnolepsy is more fun when you make it modular, rather than metabolic. It explains one of the highest functions of pop music: to mark time. Pop is the ceiling fan above you as you lie on your bed. What’s keeping it from falling and slicing you to smithereens?

Frank Ocean Music, with its eroded-coast elisions, nostalgia as a kind of ultraviolence, and polyrhythmic, difficult-to-replicate-at-karoake vocal patterns, is Memory Music. Plenty of artists do this, if not all of them to some extent. Ocean is the rare one who looks sideways, not back to the source of the old memory or forward to the source of a new one. Virilio compares this oscillation to a sort of trackable loss of interest, a loss you can steadily mourn, as simply as looking at old photographs. There’s probably no other songwriter of Ocean’s stature who is so fascinated by the broken image, or the art of the slant, and who breaks that down into pure romance--all while looking so effortlessly out over his life from the slashlike lull of what Virilio called “paradoxical wakefulness.” Which is odd or slightly berserk, since listening to Blond or Endless or even, retrospectively, Channel Orange occasionally elicits symptoms of paradoxical wokeness.

Stare at the monitors and come up with nothing

In the 2016 film Arrival, aliens land in egg-like avatars that also look for all the world like blue whales--especially toward the end of the film, when they levitate with the same impossible elegance. 

The purpose of this film is to talk about time and language, about how they agree and disagree. The aliens, or heptapods, have a written language that uses center embedding and presents visually as witchy-looking spells or smoke. 

As soon as Louise Banks, the Amy Adams character, cracks the language, she cracks time, or at least the heptapods’ expression or experience of it, and is able to, for all intents and purposes and excusing the crudely inadequate phrase, “see the future”. A heptapod sentence can’t really be translated except by effect, because the inkblotty figures they emanate are constructed palindrome-like--the same forward and backward. 

Except it takes several minutes with a legal pad or an app for humans to work out even the flimsiest palindromes, while heptapods intuit or assay the maximum meaning from such recursion with no consideration for time or expelled work, because the time it took to write this sentence would be already inflected in the characters like markers on a motion capture suit. Erase the layer of knowledge or “meaning” and time is able to be visualized, in both directions, and if you can visualize it you can manipulate it. Or erase it.