#but fyodor feels a little more divorced from his author if that makes sense..
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#i wish i had the words to describe how much i appreciate fyodor as a character#i can't relate to him or dazai entirely on account of being a specific variety of heirloom tomato#but the loneliness#the despair#the need for human connection and the rejection of it#the alienation from 'real' human beings#just all of that#i feel a furtive excitement about how asagiri might elaborate on fyodor's internal mechanisms from here..#dazai feels a bit easier to parse in that.. he feels a bit like the actual author in an anime mentor ai?#au*#but fyodor feels a little more divorced from his author if that makes sense..#the thing that resonates between both authors formerly living and anime is that despairing loneliness#i know people are sick of villain backstories that humanize them but i hate how a lot of fans see him as plain corrupt and evil#like he seems to be having casual fun doing hurtful things yeah > _ >#but there has to be more than that.. otherwise why would they bring up fyodor's loneliness and need for his other half at all?#he's like nikolai in a way#he can't reach dazai just as nikolai can't reach him#the dynamics are different of course but all of it alludes to something i can't name#they all need someone but they all need to confront something and AUGH#idk what i'm even talking about#can't go ONE birthday without feeling mentally anguished wnd confused about SOMETHING
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