#but fuck if my life wouldn’t be a million times easier if I’d’ve just passed the damn thing

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Sometimes I hate my mum so much. She was so good a few weeks ago when she was apologising for stuff and I really thought things were finally better and we’d be able to have a good relationship but I think I’m just too fucked up by everything for that. We got into a fight where I called something she did selfish (she was selfish, she told me about my best friend’s parents divorcing before my best friend knew) and that was stupid of me but she started trying to gaslight me again and lie about what she’d said to me (as if I’d ever forget it) and it made me so angry.

I had to go driving today because I failed my test the first time I took it last summer and she’s ruined driving for me because I just dissociate and panic immediately as soon as I’m in the car because I associate it with being with her right at the height of her abuse. I’m so angry and upset that if I want to get my license I’ll need to practice with her or at the very least stop panicking so much but it’s so hard because that year of my life was so, so hard and I thought I was over it when she acted kindly to me a few weeks ago but I’m right back there now and I don’t know how I ever got through it.