#but for the first time im not achieving the calm by lobotomizing myself

[tiredtriedfailures]

i used to find it a bit too silly to do but lately im talking to myself in my head specifically doing afirmations. even just last year when i got the Terrible Dread in my stomach i could and would just distract myself. not think about it and escape into my head, it was easy to pretend it didnt exist and it came and it passed without cutting deep.

lately im struggling to do that, and i AM trying to stay in the moment and be present for it but that apparently means i have really scary anxiety apparently. ive never been this Scaredy Scared. my torso, organs are carrying this tension at all times, i find myself going from 0-100 on hopeless, suicidal thoughts and im WATCHING MYSELF spiral out of control its so strange. so i have to say "hey, remember how i thought, believed and FELT secure the other day? its okay. im not completely discarded, there are people who care about me. life will bring opportunities. we will find our people. i will love and help people again and people will love me. remember how charming we were just today? people wanna talk to us. i will be able to make a living enough to find a place to sleep in. today is hard and i feel like shit but ill be here tomorrow and i can do more. i have a 100% success rate" i rub my stomach and i do breathing exercises. i feel more than i ever had but cant help thinking im improving. im feeling insane things and im rationalizing them away. im actively working in there im not escaping into my mind. im not functioning the best ive ever had but im doing things DESPITE the pit in my stomach that threatens to swallow me up