#but for now im gonna pass and hopefully i wont regret it lol

[bobmckenzie]

I might have finished my search for the perfect Bob flannel 🧍‍♀️ I actually found a company that makes shirts based off of the ones he and Doug wear so the pattern is perfect but WHY IS IT A POLYESTER BLEND

IN WHAT WORLD is a flannel made of polyester you MONSTERS... so I THINK I'm gonna buy this vintage one from Etsy instead

cause the pattern is like PERFECT, it has red buttons just like his whereas the replica has black ones, it's half the price, it's all cotton, and if I thrift one then it'll feel more worn in and like I stole it from him 🥰🤭 and they have another blouse in their shop that I like a lot

[magical-agatha]

its been slowly creeping up on me that i will probably never reach my dream. the really big dream. the most important one. it probably wont happen.

havent fully accepted that. might never accept it completely. but. maybe i should..?

i have a pretty useless brain. i got the trauma brain and a tonne of mental disorders. adhd, bpd, did, dpd, ocd, ptsd, sad/gad, and some other stuff probly. its quite likely im autistic too, and i think i might have some like.. schizo spectrum tendencies too? like given the right push they could become full blown. im fairly certain ive experienced psychosis a few times. idk.

this amounts to extreme difficulty organising and focusing, severe depression, issues around reading/math comprehension, extremely poor and unreliable memory, and the tendency to abandon creative projects. i struggle a fucking lot in school. its not like.. impossible, and with the right help i can get better but. i dont know how the fuck im gonna handle studying biomechanical engineering and neuroscience. my only hope is that the whole intetest based focus thing which adhd causes will latch onto the topics i study and give me the drive to spend hours on end working at the subjects i need to. but i might not get that lucky! i probably will have to work very very hard to get any work done.

thats okay. work i can probably do if i have enough passion.

the other issues are money, physical health, and how society views me as a transgender woman.

money..?? who knows. who fuckin knows. ill just rack up tonnes of debt i guess and pay it off later shrug.

physical health.. my hands are the main issue. as long as i manage them and dont overwork them i won't lose them. probably.

societal views? i guess work really hard to pass and or be charismatic and friendly.

so its possible for me to study these topics. the question then follows, will they teach me what i need to achieve my dream? impossible to know! the dream may be impossible in the timescale i have. i just have to hope i can team up with a bunch of likeminded individuals who want what i want and we collaborate, and better yet we get funded by some big corp or something. or even better, the revolution happens and we dont gotta worry about $$$ at all!

its possible right?? and if its what i want i should try, right? yeah i think so.

would i enjoy working in fashion or writing more? who knows. they might be really fun. but i think i would never be satisfied. id always regret not chasing my true dream.

one thing at least i have going for me is creativity. im very good at that one. i have a lot of great ideas lol. i just struggle transforming my ideas into something tangible.

another issue is time. im nearly 24. a quarter of my life is nearly gone, a quarter if im very lucky. it might be a third, or half. hell i might die at 30. but hopefully ill live to at least 80. and ill have til around 60 or 70 to get this sorted out i think. thats 36 to 46 years. maybe even 51 years if my brain still works when im 75. lol. if i keep my brain active i can keep plasticity longer. so theres a lot of time left still.

this post was originally gonna be all doom and gloom but. i feel pretty hopeful now tbh. i broke it all down into steps and chunks and now its all just. simple. achievable. i feel like i can do this. golly gosh.