#but everytime you CAN afford to bring youself some comfort and you don't because you think that it's not worth it i promise you it is

[moonlightcrossesonyourbody]

i'm near tears over here and it's so dumb but like

last year when i was doing the hospital residency for my degree i had these medical crocks that fit me well enough on trying and in the mornings but after 8-9 hours of standing and moving and not being allowed to use the bathrooms my feet and calves would swell to the point where the shoes no longer fit well and instead cut off circulation on my feet

and it took me a while to notice because i had just packed moved and unpacked a whole apartment and was also working so much that everything hurt from that along with all the chronic pain i have from all the untreated sports injuries

but i came home and i noticed that my poor toes were bloodless white on my left foot

and then i noticed that i had completely lost feeling on the upper surface levels of part of said left foot and some of my toes like touching the skin and only feeling it as pressure deeper in the muscle instead of on the actual skin tissue and it was such a fucked numb feeling and there's nothing to be done for that kind of nerve damage due to ciculation but wait for it to slowly maybe one day fix itself or accept it's permanent and it's such a small thing and in no way a handicap but i was so fucked over 1. working under conditions that injured me and 2. putting my health on the backburner with such cavalier attitude and anyway it was not fun for anyone involved

and now like a year later i had gotten used to it and didn't pay it any attention after accepting that well i did this to myself and that's that instead of the outright obsessing of the beginning.

and then just now i casually accidentaly brushed my left foot across something and i felt it. and i didn't really expect to get so emotional over this because again it's such a negligable and small non-issue of a thing but i've regained feeling there and because i've let it rest and took care of it it got better and it's not at 100 but its so much better and it's such a fucking relief.

it's not even about my foot, i think it just opened up the floodgates from all the regret that sometimes nearly drowns me over my body still managing to heal from and in spite of, all the damage that i've done to it by treating it so carelessly and brutally and throwing it around so recklessely and with such negligence and disrespect and so very little care.

and i have been i so much physical whole body pain for so long and it is 85% pain that was so completely needless and harm i've brought to myself completely consciously and which is i think my one regret. and it's still healing because i slowed down and i took care and i have finally given my body the grace to rest and i hope that the rest of it heals too, i hope that it can. but even if it doesn't the past two years and the past one especially have been such a harsh and punishing lesson in how i need to treat my body and it's a lesson i hope i have learned and can keep steadfast on from now on and just.

pain sucks. pain that you've caused yourself is an even worse game but people very rarely talk about how harrowing chronic pain is. how much that kind of neverending constant damage takes out of you in the day to day and the fatigue that comes from it and the mental headfuckery that follows when you hold yourself accountable to your relationship to your pain.

and it's never all gonna be healed i did way too much damage to my body when i was way too young and have left it untreated for way to long, but i'm learning to treat it with a little more kindness and some of it is healing and it was all suddenly very overwelming and this is the silly feeblings site so here we are