#but every single mistake every single shortcoming just hurts so much bcs i used to do better or maybe i just think too high of myself
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theme for my class's christmas party on friday is most listened to artist.. bro how do i dress as masayoshi soken
#🌙.rambles#joked abt wearing yk a suit but i could actually do that#i'd be shy tho 😭😭 but it'll be v cool omg#nobuo uematsu is top all time but soken is for 2022 & 2021#yoko shimomura's 3rd all-time.. oh man i really love vg osts fr#uemtasu's my second for 2022 tho n#txt is 4th all-time n 3rd for 2022#random but i rlly like my hair now i didn't like it when it was blowdried but now i do ehe#it matches me i think >< i rlly prefer this length i don't like long hair unless i put it in a ponytail or braid of smth#square enix music is oh wow top 5 all time n top 4 for this year#aghh sorry i don't rlly have anything to do anymore for my deadlines due today it's just my grpmates' parts now but#i'm worried bcs i don't think the output in general for one of them is creative enough? we lacked time#n it's the course i hate the most n it rlly just ruins me but#i'll just take my mind off it 😭 i hate my regrets so much i can't comfort myself n it rlly just leaves this emptiness in me but i'll#distract myself n just write creatively or just imagine n dream n i'll be alright#despite how much grades n acads may seem so big rn it wldn't matter when i'm actually working n all#but every single mistake every single shortcoming just hurts so much bcs i used to do better or maybe i just think too high of myself#i'll work on my article critique n then when my grpmates for our research stuff finish the results n discussion#i'll work on the conclusion n then i'll do some other small assignments n then i'm done#maybe i just don't want others to think less of me to see me as inferior. i'll still get at least high honors for sure but not having#just one semestral awardee or some bs feels like a failure to me despite. my family telling me i'm not a disappointment#my friends don't know but wnvr apollo n i don't do SUPER well in acads they get suprised so. yh..#who the fuck cares about what others think oh my god i hate my mind i need to stop this i was doing well earlier today
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i didn't mean to ramble sm in tags, i meant to just say a bit but oh well i'll just continue n delete when i'm less busy 🥹
oh my god it's 9 am
#🌙.srb#yk having filipino (and by extent back then subjects that were taught in the language; social studies too technically it wld be called)#^ those two subjects pulled down my grade then. & now in hs filo is still my worst. imagine if they were taken away.#i would have definitely been highest honors back in middle school. the thought of it fucks me up#sigh i guess i just rlly needed to rant abt that a bit bcs i'm still sad about the. idk my school uses different grading system i think but#technically our filipino course this sem i got. somewhere between 80-89. i'd bet somewhere near the later end though#i'd be very much willing to bet that. in the math related stuff here i definitely got 95-100. n that one relating to tech stuff n perdev#english & philo & chem too. perhaps prac res wld've been around 94; this is speculation but i'm willing to bet around these numbers#but lmfao there's the one course in filipino n oh i'm not a stupid semestral awardee. as someone who's always achieved well#academically it. it broke me fr i was empty n crying n. that was last month a rlly bad time of my life in general#i overcame it the next day i had to. but there's rlly just this.. yh there's this emptiness in me#maybe my pride had to do w feeling so hurt. that semestral award wtvr is just a special award; highest honors is still possible#but i hate this. recently ever since the pandemic the critera has been so so very kind. honestly for me all the topics n lessons r so easy#it's just my motivation n energy to do all these like idk 20+ assignments they give every single fucking week that drain me#i haven't been doing well lately. honestly i haven't rlly been myself ever since the pandemic. i used to perform very well before#now i've been falling apart for quite a while now n i'm just distracting myself from my regrets n disappointment#it hurts even more when before i really did used to so well. so many contributors to me just feeling like a hollow husk of my old self#w my shortcomings i've managed to let myself be kinder to myself in a sense that. acads aren't everything.#but recently everything's just been so burdening bcs it feels like i'm lacking in just every single aspect.#health. socially. whether it be friends or family; i'm not enough. academically. n myself too.#it's all lacking n i don't feel like myself. it hurts n it's all i can do to distract myself to not drown in this negativity.#it's not like.. a few bad grades will stop me from idk getting into the top unis of my country. but every single grade matters#maybe it's my need for success. maybe i can be good at something for once. better. n maybe i want to make others n myself proud#fuck some shortcomings i know averagely my grades r still rlly good. & i know i'll write a good essay. n i've always been good w exams#but maybe.. what if i'm not as good as. my grades still say. what if when it comes to it i won't be good enough#what if i'm not the same & i'll struggle w the CETs. i know i'm the type to keep on improving n my ambition/determination is rlly deep but#what if i keep on making mistakes? what if i'm still not good enough? what if my regrets haunt me even more n i'm stuck in the past?#i want to move forward i want to reach out to the future but.. goddamn i'm stuck in such a dilemma n i'm just so stressed abt so much rn#pathetic but i don't think i do well alone. i can work well on my own but company from others rlly gives me sm support n comfort#it feels v foreign in a way like i don't Need this but. perhaps i've been denying my humanity more than i've realized for far too long
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LAST FR
dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#goddamn it feels like i'm split into half bcs other times oh fuck if someone can do it better i still care so i'll do what i can n hope it'#help even a bit? bcs other times oh fuck it if someone can do it better i still care so i'll do what i can n hope it'll help even a bit?#sometimes doing what i can is enough. but life is inconsistent. i'm not fucking perfect i'm human n i deserve better than this#n i can be kind to myself but.. i think it just rlly gets worse n i fall to this state when i'm consumed by helplessness#god usually i'm better than this i really know better i'm a hopeful person at heart despite all the fucking pain i know#but wnvr it comes i think to feeling like i'm 'failing' in a way. in any way it may feel for me to a certain extent i think that just#makes me like this. fall to despair n doubt n make me overthink more n more#i have never failed an academic assignment or wtvr in my whole entire life. close at few times maybe. but fuck that there r more#important things than acads but honestly every single mistake eats me up inside#i think guilt too i rmb how guilty i felt for my own happiness bcs i got a perfect score i. had the highest score in my foreign language#in gr8. everything perfect in that exam. someone else got perfect but w the help of extra credit. i didn't need it. i got everything right.#i was happy ofc. i've never been the type to brag n i wldn't say it out loud but i was classmates w some friends n#i did better than my friend ever since gr4 that. she's incredibly smart she's smarter than me; i have no hard feelings but i guess#when i was younger i looked up to her too n. i liked the idea of rivals. 'self-proclaimed rivals'#nyways other than that though. my other friend she. she failed. i'm not responsible for how other ppl feel but fuck imagine like#your friend gets perfect n the teacher congratulates her in front of the whole class. but then you fail.#it hurts bcs i've always been quite the empath n apollo n i have always loved to analyze our friends n i rmb her mental health then#she struggled so much but she'd hide n pretend otherwise. she didn't want anyone to worry.. i rmb when she cried as i hugged her one time#n how helpless i felt. i rlly wanted to help more. this is too personal i'll delete sometime def i shldn't ramble sm publicly but idc rn#i don't want her to feel inferior. i think she grew up having problems w that so i'd do my best to show her w my actions n all#that to me. she's always been an equal. we're all equal. i've never seen anyone as anything less w their problems n shortcomings#but i think at some point i ended up. neglecting myself n i got so used to restraining aspects of myself 'for the sake of others'#it's.. a complex topic. bcs ik for those that. rlly do care for me. while that in itself believing it entirely is smth i struggle with too#not bcs others are insufficient but bcs of my own doubts within bcs i really value all these ppl so much. i love them so much#for the ones that rlly care yes ^^ ofc just being myself is enough. if i love others that way unconditionally then i am worthy of it too#but then i have other experiences that hurt me n made me cynical n have trust issues </3 i'm still hopeful at heart. perhaps a bit#too 'idealistic' maybe like alphi ffxiv. nyways that's one of my friends i can't ramble abt the others bcs they're more likely to see this#i guess i just feel helpless rn. to be productive to help or wtvr. it tears me apart. i can't seem to do what i want. other times i can but#god i'm not writing properly there's sm but it's hard to put in words. i know i can do better but.. nvm fuck i have stuff to do i'm sorry
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