#but even ignoring that it's like. im demi as hell and don't talk to anyone regularly outside of my roommate
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#it's so exhausting to want emotional intimacy but knowing that i'm literally never going to be able to get it#(i mean with new people i barely have it with two people as-is)#but i mean in a romo relationship way#like im demi and my definintion of friendship is so closed off#and i also wont ever deserve any kind of relationship (romantic or otherwise) that's New from now on#but even ignoring that it's like. im demi as hell and don't talk to anyone regularly outside of my roommate#it's literally never going to happen#and yet lately i keep craving it so fucking badly#i dont even understand why i want (non-sexual) touch so much lately because i dont even like the concept of my friends touching me#(not like they can. long distance friendships lol)#i dont know any more. its a weird kind of loneliness where you mentally want something you know that you'd hate if you actually experienced#it.#idk what this is#like if you can if you've gotten this far#bc i dont know what this is#but idk. im just. exhausted of existing i guess#im barely even alive beyond doing schoolwork. i haven't consumed a single piece of media for a month#this isn't living but i wont ever experience what living really is#at least not any more#idk.#i dont really want a reply for this ftr if you send me an ask or message about this ill block lol#i just want some kind of acknowledgement
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