#but dont let that drive u to actual self harm or even suicide

[maletomboy]

ill be honest what some people are calling "compassion fatigue" might just be ocd

[lesbiansandstorm]

am struggling a bit lmao, a vent. pls like if u read it all, if you can. long post.

mentions of parents, homophobia, abuse, suicide, self harm. brief, not graphic.

so like. i wanna move out and get away from my toxic mother. shes homophobic, to the point where i’d probably be disowned anyway if i came out.

i dont know how long i can stay closeted for, it. hurts. so much. not only that, she restricts me a lot - won’t let me buy or wear certain clothes, for example. (if i had my way, i’d shop in the mens section for most things.)

i’m not just hiding being gay, i’m also hiding all my mental shit. i am 100%!!! sure i have adhd. also have struggled with eating issues/s.h./s*icide attempts and so on. mother thinks mental illnesses are fake, wouldnt let me see anyone and would likely shame me for even bringing it up.

seeming i’m 18, i should be able to go and get myself diagnosed and maybe medicated, specifically for the adhd, preferably. 

some issues with this: paying for the appointment, paying for medication. we have public/private healthcare (hell yeah australia), but the physical cards are required - my mother keeps them in her wallet, theres no way i can borrow them without her knowing. i cant make up an excuse for another reason to see a doctor.

i have the card numbers, but i worry that she’ll get a bill/receipt saying when the cards were used. dont wanna take the risk.

i dont have my drivers license (i have a learner license - law in my state: can get learners license at 16, must log 100 hours of supervised driving and have license for a year)

i didnt start driving as soon as i was 16 (may ‘16), got learners lic in september ‘16... mother wouldnt let me drive until we could afford lessons as she didnt want to teach me her bad habits

so i didnt actually start driving til april 2017... its nearly 2019 and ive done.... 60-70 of my required hours but that isnt enough, i cant park or anything and dont have the opportunity to drive often as we now have one less car.

its taking me a really long time and im struggling because... i assume, adhd!

head shit = no license, no license = no job... whys that? well.

i live in a rural area, about 40 mins from the city centre. theres no public transport in my suburb, i have to go to the next suburb along (9km, too far to walk) to the nearest bus stop.

parents would be unable to drive me to the bus stop for me to get to work as they both work 5 days.

so i have very little money, hard for me to move out. since i still live at home im not eligible for any government benefits.

i was thinking i could move into accomodation at my university campus but its so expensive

no family i can move in with and no friends can take me in. i’m in a really tough spot.

not only that, my dad might be moving away (i get along better with him, most of the time.) he wants to move to another state to be closer with his parents/nieces, thats fine, im 18 now and he doesnt owe me anything

he’s happy to help support me money wise, but he wouldnt go against my mother and help me move out unfortunately. think he knows im gay and would be okay with it... cant tell him about the mental shit bc as i said he probably wouldnt be able to hide it from my mother. theyre not really ‘together’ anymore but we all live in the same house for now, they get along fine but are more friends than anything else. i assume when he moves he will want to remain friends.

shes mad at him for wanting to move, she wants to stay here. she now guilts me, saying we’ll have to sell this house, and she wont take any money from him (he’s happy to help us w mortgage etc if he gets a good job)

my plan was to gtfo as soon as possible but it looks like if he moves away i’ll be stuck with her for at least... 2 years or so? she accepts that i’ll have to leave eventually but says she’ll need my help once he leaves

sorry to vent abt my personal shit im just really stuck and sad about it.

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells