#but does present me even want to do that????? not rly xD

[vartouhix]

my bitch ass been gone so long i forgor that i was supposed to start copy&pasting asks into a new post to answer them........................

[iggybestdoggo]

I, Iggybestdoggo, have a theory....

According to JJBA lore, stands are basically a kind of tulpa... ie a spirit which a person creates through the power of thought and intention.

Now, honestly, is most of my having this theory motivated by I *want* it to be true, because I’m a serious sucker for anything paranormal? Absolutely. Do I think this is something anyone should take seriously? Nah not rly.

But!! I think it’s fun to think about, even if it can be disproven and whatnot. So I’m not trying to convince everyone of this flimsy but funny theory; just sharing it because I think it’s very amusing and interesting. Thought someone else who likes jojo and the paranormal might get a kick out of it, that’s all!

So here it is:

If you ask me, some of these bitches possessed.

So, something like Aerosmith, yeah I’m sure that’s a tulpa because idk what the fuck else it would be. Plenty of stands are tulpas, I’m convinced. That’s what is presented as canon after all. But then there are sentient stands like Sex Pistols that are strange to me.

Ok maybe this is just Mista’s “inner demons” literally coming out but... these cute little bastards don’t really seem to be helping him because they really need to. They’ve been shown to move around independently without Mista being aware of their movements. Their primary motivation is food. I have reason to believe if not for their emotional attachment and the food, they wouldn’t stay with him. Like, idk maybe they’re tulpas but they’ve become strong enough that they don’t need the creator anymore. Or if u wanna ignore key flaws in my arguement but start gettin rly big brained and weird, they might be opportunistic beings that are hitchin a ride off this guy for food and the feeling of having a day to day, secured lifestyle. Like they remind me of stories about fae. Some fae are said to be small. In all the stories about fae, they tend to come off rude and mischievous because they have “a different culture” and they like to steal and eat human food. They are usually not solitary and belong to social groups of other fae.

Does this mean Sex Pistols isn’t a tulpa? Lol no I mean they have numbers on their head as a nod to mistas fears and shit... but is it funny to think they are some kind of weird creature that he rly has no control over?? For me yes XD and if u wanna do a lame patchover on that part about “bitch they literally look like bullets tho” spirits are said to be raw energy and could contort to whatever the fuck they wanna look like, I guess.

People say Splat is Jonathan’s ghost, that’s another point for the “stands aren’t always tulpas” theory lol. Pretty self explanatory. Tho if star platinum is Jonathan and extremely similar to The World I wanna kno who the fuck’s ghost is the world LOL.

The cell tower or whatever in part four, who the fuck made that?? What even is that? That doesn’t seem like tulpa. You also have multiple stands throughout the series that “switch users” over time and exist without any one human’s power. Remember the dude on Rohan’s back? It would weigh down the user, then kill them, and move to the next. He didn’t have any one human. Here comes my bullshit about the demon thing ok?

There’s a concept in paranormal studies, it’s called “energy vampire” or similar names. The idea is that they fuck up the aura and it messes ppl up lol. Beings that literally gain sustenance from sucking the energy off other people. I think the piggyback guy was gaining his energy from the fear generated by possessing people. He was like a leach. And killing someone would be an especially large boost of energy. Ykno like one of those disgusting parasitic bugs that eats its host, he’s similar to that but energetic?

It always stuck with me the thing Avdol said about people dying from “stand fever.” It made me wonder, do people die because they become possessed by these energy vampires and their life force isn’t enough to sustain both themselves and the feeder? Like is hermit purple and the thing that got Holly an energetic parasite? Like Joeseph was ok because he’s got his Superman hamon energy and Dio was fine because Dio, but Holly doesn’t have enough life force to accommodate the strain her stand put on her by consuming her energy? Idk probs spouting bullshit but I find it so interesting!

The arrow is strange to me too. I wonder if it’s not so much “pulling out the stands” so much as inviting something in... Like a blood offering or something. Like in that moment you invite them in and if you can’t handle the strain of being possessed, you keel over. This would also imply a lot of these beings are looking to form symbiotic relationships where they feed in exchange for protecting the host. Or maybe there’s something about the arrow itself that realigns energy and the energetic field of a being, which would help explain requiems but.... idk guys I’m just raving about crazy shit over here don’t mind me! XD just thought I would share my thoughts on stands because I think it’s fun to theorize about them!

[shiro-0197]

Hi 👉👈

Yes a hug would indeed hold me back 👀 oops okie dokes, no fighting the pillow, but you'll have to hug me in return 🤷😝

oh yes!! I saw it just came out on Netflix and on Kuro's stories too. That's really cool omg, is it good? I might just start it after I finish suits, and "how to get away with murder". (I'm such a sucker for TV shows about lawyers xD) aaah you're literally so precious for giving me that disclaimer 😔💖 (can you get any cuter?? Skdjsksk)

oh I'm sorry to hear that about Liza :(( I really hope she'll get more time to do things she enjoys. Having a helicopter parent is no fun, and it's important to explore your own individual identities, and have good relationships with your parents, tho you sound so proud of her and that's amazing!! I'm sure she's a fantastic artist 💖💖 she seems really dedicated which is a really admirable value. You'll get your team done soon!! And I'm sure it'll turn out wonderfully <3

I'M SURE ILL LOVE YOUR PLOV :] and I learned how to make pan mee from my friend the other day SO I WILL MAKE SOME FOR YOU TOO. it's literally such a good dish and whenever me and my friends go out together, we always go and have it together. It's just funny because it's so spicy, our lips all look rly red after eating it, lipstick whom?? I only know sPiCe 😭😭

awww Kuro has little siblings? That's really precious :> totally support your idea of adopting him, you'd be a great dad 😔😔😔🤚

one of my best friends just sent me pictures of himself today, rocking blue hair and I just about went to his house to see it for myself because it looked so good. He did it to match his favourite character and I was like 😭😭💖💖💖😍 this friend of mine is actually really special to me, because ask anyone we know, and they'll say he's just the male version of me. We have EVERYTHING in common, it's kinda weird. Even our names are alike. 😭😭 I'm glad he moved to my school this year because now I finally have someone to talk about anime and manga to :>

ah I'm so sorry to hear that 😭 losing a pet is one of the worst things that can happen, because it's basically losing a best friend, you know?

Big hairy cats do indeed go grrrr 😭but yeah, I find the abbreviation so lame I just tell people it's "Leo" for lions ;-; since Leo is strongly associated as the lion constellation.

Ooh what band is that?? Tho yes I totally get you. Harry potter is a guilty pleasure of mine too xD and so is ice cream ;-; I should not have ice cream cuz it makes my nose go red which makes it look like I have a permanent blush, but I eat it anyways and it happens and yeah sljdkssk ;-;

thank you... I hope it was okay, because I really worked hard on it but it's a shame I bombed the presentation. Oh well, there's always next time.

NO YOU ARE MY SEROTONIN SPIKER AND I WANT TO SHOWER YOU IN HUGS AND KISSES AND ALL MY LOVE RN 😭😭😔🤚💖 I love youuuuuuuuuuuuu <3

—Ari

Heya!!

I'd highly even if you did fight my pillow cuz ily and I'm touch starved like that😈😈 deheheh but seriously I wish I could hug you💞😭

Well, I did enjoy it!! There's kind of weird Japanese humor if you squint, but overall? I loved it, hehe. It's about three guys, whose lives are miserable, and one day they meet up together and then get teleported into a place identical to where they are, except there are no people and there are a lot of life or death games. I like stuff like this, I've also watched "Escape Room" which is pretty similar, though it's a single movie, while AitB is a series

Ohhh I've heard of that one!! I kind of forgot about it though, but I'll watch it someday haha:D

Why could I not?? I wouldn't wanna make you uncomfortable by making you watch those scenes😠 I'm ✨considerate✨ sjjwjfjwjkz

I really hope so! Shes also been having a lot of stuff going on in her musical school, so that's also harsh😩 I'm hoping she'll get enough rest on the holidays

OHHH I bet I'll love your pan mee🤤❤ also, it's that spicy? Hell yeahhh!! I already love it😝🤪❤

Kuro doesnt have younger siblings, but he does have older ones, and the kids are his nephews (and a niece)! But he doesnt really like his family, except his mom, that's another reason to adopt him~

OH THAT SOUNDS SO AWESOME IM SURE HE LOOKS ASTONISHING also what that sounds so cute!!! You have ur own twin🥺❤❤ he sounds really cool, I'm glad you have someone like him !!!!!

Its Mccafferty!! Do NOT check it out, I dont know if you'd like them or not but its better not to find out. Better to check out The front bottoms, they're pretty similar, or so I've heard xd

Oh no!! Does it hurt when it happens?? Not being able to eat ice cream is probably the worst punishment😩😩 I'm not a huge fan but I still wouldnt mind eating 42 kilos of ice cream in a sitting, ya know?

You're right!! Theres always next time, so dont beat yourself too much for what's already passed! You've got this, shortcake, I believe in you♡ Love you, and I hope you sleep well tonight<3

[thegsresidue]

re: (a small part of) the future

i’ll be starting university soon. just a couple of weeks more and this 8 and a half month holiday will come to an end. 

time has passed by incredibly fast, and i can’t believe that it’s been close to a year since i’ve gone to school. i didn’t have a lot to expectations for this long break, i honestly just wanted to rest. 2017 was not the easiest year - i ended a long relationship, i had to study very hard to pick my grades up (a very scary period of time for me, because my wake up call only came after June and my A Levels were in November), and i was always so tired and stressed out. finishing my A Levels was more of a relief than a celebration. after that, i spent 2 and a half months feeling extremely afraid and just trying to push away the thoughts in my head about my results. 

but anyway, i wanted to talk about my (very long) break and what my life is like now. and also about what i’m thinking about a lot as of late. for the sake of keeping some memories here and to also help me to do some reflection.

so a couple of things that i did:

completed my A Levels

went to prom

bought a seasons pass to universal studios

went to a water park (never again)

drank a bit

hung out with my friends...a LOT (and i’ve grown closer to so many of my close friends over the last 9 months...which surprised me a lot because i thought we’d just grow distant since we weren’t going to school together anymore)

spent New Year’s Eve with my friends (it was a very chill day and i ended 2017/welcomed 2018 while on the phone with my friend which rly!! wow) - that day made me realise a lot and it was kind of a huge stepping stone in helping to get over some of the things that made me sad last year

went job hunting (tried very unsuccessfully to find an internship/admin job) 

went for my first ever job interview (and then some) 

got into 2 jobs, and chose to go to starbucks!! <3 which i don’t regret a single bit

got my first pay check

went back for College Day

collected my A Level results

sent some of my friends off to the army

applied to universities and went for school interviews

got into law school

got into medical school 

learnt how to operate a cash till

learnt how to make coffee and survive speaking to rude customers

fell in love

went overseas

started watching many new shows

went shopping Many times

took part in a community service project (which was very meaningful)

took part in university orientation

slept in a hostel 

met a whole lot of new people and (most importantly!!) made new friends

i think the list is could be longer but that’s really all i have on the top of my head right now :’) suffice to say, this break has been incredibly meaningful and i really have learnt and experienced a lot. i feel like i could have spent more time learning/signing up to do new things, but at the same time...nah 😂it has been a very good break, and i really had a good rest.

and now, the more scary things - school.

it’s going to start soon, and this period of time (which i really feel is just like a very long phase for us to transition into the next chapter of our life) is going to end soon. i’m going to quit my job soon, and i have to mentally (and physically) prepare myself for the new school year. it’s going to be tiring, and because i decided at the very last minute to not stay in a hall, i have to get used to insane travelling times now. a lot of people do it, and have been doing it for a long time - but i’ve always been grateful for having lived near school, and this is something that worries me quite a bit. life is going to change a lot, and while i’m sad to have to let go of my lifestyle now, if i put aside my fears and dread i can say that i am a little excited. i mean, i’m going to learn about medicine!! and prepare myself for an extremely meaningful career. 

but this isn’t why i wanted to talk about it.

i’ve been thinking a lot (as usual), and out of boredom i went to look at other degrees and basically just explore what i could’ve done instead. life has been filled with a lot of ‘what-ifs’ lately, and frankly i don’t really know how to deal with emotions like this. remember that post i made in may, where i talked about how my interests really lie in the arts and how i’d always have an affinity for it? well, that still stands, and as the school year approaches this thought has been bothering me incessantly.

having always been doing science (in the pursuit of this dream of mine to get into medical school) despite my love and strength in the arts, i’ve always willed and promised myself (in a sense) that i’d one day finally go for and study about what i’m really passionate about. but the thing is, i didn’t exactly have any other ambitions to go along with this promise. i didn’t have a career in mind, and though i feel like this could seem to be a pretty frivolous concern for a 13 year old, it is something important that i have to think about at this juncture in my life. i mean, i am going to university and education is expensive...so i have to make wise decisions for myself since this basically will pave the way for my life and career over the next few years (or decades, in my case lol). i didn’t have any concrete plans about what i’d specifically want to study or pursue either. it was always just this tiny thought in my mind that went, “one day, you’ll be able to pursue what you really, really like”

and this is so weird, because i’m beginning to think that maybe being a doctor was just this aim and dream of mine, and while that will always be my dream job, what i want to study and learn about for the rest of my life lies completely elsewhere. i thought that getting into law school (and choosing to study there) would’ve helped to placate this, but then thoughts about working in the industry and basically just trying to think about how i’d get a footing in the world of law just put in a lot more other concerns and worries in my mind. 

and i think that i only have myself to blame for this. because my whole life i’ve been trying to work towards a dream that diverged so far from my interests, and i should’ve done something to help to mitigate/even stop this. i could’ve explored more courses in universities, looked up organisations and careers that i wanted to go into, and if i had the means to then i really wished i tried to develop myself more and learn more so that this would be something less foreign to me. it’s just an entire aspect of my life that i’ve neglected in the pursuit of something else, and this realisation just makes me very sad. but the opportunities to study the arts in universities have presented themselves, and i’m very grateful that i applied to that One law school and that one school overseas. i just wish i wasn’t so scared to go for what i wanted to study, and perhaps also maybe took more time to learn and nurture myself so that i’d be more suited for this area of AcAdEmIa.

but alas, i have already made my decision, and this is just a lot of the ‘what-ifs’ that i’ve been thinking about. i feel like there are only certain ways our lives are meant to be, and this would’ve honestly been a journey that i really would have loved to go into. i don’t really know how to deal with feelings like this, but i do know that what’s important is for me to just look to the future and not leave behind any regrets. so i think that’s what i’ll do. 

...and i think another thing for me to learn would be to not be scared to actually pursue what i like. i don’t want to live a life where i cannot live by my own choices, and i’m worried that this entire thing might have been just so. i want to go for what i dream about and learn what sets my heart alight with passion and interest. the practicality about what we want to do with our lives is one thing, but i also feel that there is just something else within us that’s also very inane and inexplicable - it’s what we love, and we have in our hearts. so to a certain degree (ha ha!!! get it XD) i think we do need to actually spend time trying to pursue these things, and part of it could come from what we do in university, and part of it does not. and while the former is something that is already set, there is still a lot more to my life that i have not begun to explore. 

so here’s to that relentless chase, of learning about what we love and what at the end of the day makes us so undeniably human.

CHEERS!! oof

//

[leonbastralle]

Yet Another Giant Reply Clusterfuck

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “be sure to kiss your fave vampire on christmas eve ♥”

Can u kill a vampire tho but then again this alternative look at this theyre so warm and cozy

u can, with fire

but also yes i do think this would b preferable once youve come to the conclusion that this fave vampire is ur fave vampire and u lov them with all ur heart

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Conifer: And????? Charlotte: You were right! And…I too I suppose....”

BABY BEAN

wAIT AND SEEEEEEEE

vampcatsims replied to your photoset “be sure to kiss your fave vampire on christmas eve ♥”

daaawww

thank you ;_; i aww at these two every day tbh

monets-pixels replied to your photoset

a beauty

truuuuue ;_;

nekoi-sims replied to your photoset

Cue mirror butt song

AAAAA YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE i forgot abt mirror butt song i cry @ the good old times

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Conifer Miracle? C: A…party? That’s very kind of you, Mr Lazurite,...”

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 

did u mean: 👩🏻 🔪 👩🏽 💀 😍 😭  (i tried)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Don’t worry, she’s making Connie drink everything.”

Yes pls

the *coughs* baby *coughs* is safe dw

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: And????? Charlotte: You were right! And…I too I suppose....”

:’) BEAUTIFUL BEAN

beautiful bean (sg.), not to b confused with beautiful bean-s (pl.)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: Okay, I’m not saying you need to quit your job but maybe you...”

👀👀👀👀👀👀

WTF MY EYEBROW WIGGLE SIGNATURE GIF IS GONE????

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: I’ve been thinking. About your job at the bar…you don’t HAVE...”

Bsndndjdjdj char let me hug u also 👀👀

;__________; more hugs for char 2k18

pixeldemographics replied to your post “1-10 for the oc qs for Shimmer? ❣”

Thats it im in lov with yet another miracle

sjfbakjsfnakjsfnaksjfnaksfjasd i cRY I WHIPPED THIS UP SUPER QUICK IM SHAME SHE DESERVES MOR THOUGHTS

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Conifer: And????? Charlotte: You were right! And…I too I suppose....”

More like tiny terror

no spoilersssss

limericksims replied to your photoset “wellllllllll”

Yay! Babies!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “wellllllllll”

YAY!!!!

absolutely!! we’ve waited far too long for Connie to get her shit together so xD

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

Ahhhh this is so sweet

thank youuuuuuuuuu ;_; you can’t believe how worried i was this would turn out to be utter crap xD i’m so relieved ppl didn’t hate it

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Conifer: I’ve been thinking. About your job at the bar…you don’t HAVE...”

Is this what I think it is??? ;)

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Conifer: I’ve been thinking. About your job at the bar…you don’t HAVE...”

Nauseous?

is it even NOT what we think it is? XD

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Conifer: Okay, I’m not saying you need to quit your job but maybe you...”

Yesyesyes

;) ;)

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

And I got all that from a picture that I dreamed you had posted, I only realised you didn't post that when I came across this on the dash for a morning scroll... I think you tagged it ficus fam Friday or something

twinsimskeletons replied to your “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

My dude I have to tell you right now even though I'm not st all caught up but I had a dream about ficus. Somehow he was an actor and playing a (I think) a villain, three others were the superheroes against him, one of which was someone dressed as wonder woman, another as a sort of futuristic looking dude. Don't remember the last. Anyway he met snow because snow had to replace one of the cast members feeling ill for some reason. Makes no sense...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS BEAUTIFUL I’M DYING I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FACT THAT SOMEONE DREAMED ABT MY CHILDREN???? and it wasn’t flame i can’t believe it :o that’s some next level au and i wish i had come up with it! ficus would DEFINITELY enjoy playing the villain in a movie because, spoilers- that’s exactly what he does irl. more spoilers: a ficus fam friday has been on my list of plans for a long time and i intend to do it very soon!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

I SCREAMED

AAAAAAAA RLY????

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

(i just imagined explosion noises along with this post a+)

there is no fucking gif of the eyebrow on tumblr im smh-ing so hard but also...yes. yes.

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

the willpower its taking me not to spoiler it all im in lov

tHANK YOU FOR NOT SPOILERING

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “A light Ficus Friday today because of the long queue, but I was asked...”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOV I LOV SO MUCH IM SO PROUD OF THIS PRICKLY SON

ALSO THANK YOU FOR THIS TOO I CRY BEST PRICKLY SON

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: *whispers* Charlotte: Fuck, okay, you got me.”

i............ i need to process the info that connie is a tol girl im living so much for this

ajshfbajsbkasjbnkjsfbanksfjabsfkajsbfkajsfasd i cry???

melien replied to your photoset “Conifer: What I-  [cheers]”

❤❤❤❤❤

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: And so empty, too. My parents moved out last week. Charlotte:...”

ELEVEN

PROBABLY MORE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: I just realised you’ve never been to this place. Charlotte:...”

im sure there are certain rooms of Interest ;) ;) ;)

u r a Filth

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Charlotte: AT LAAAAAAAAAAAST MY LOVE HAS COME ALOOOOONG MY LONELY DAYS...”

:')

i hope u dont mind me changing the song, all the ohh-ing in youre the one that i want looked a bit shit written down (also it had man in it)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Conifer: What I-  [cheers]”

IM CLAPPING IM CRYING I LOVE THESE KIDS SO MUCH YAAAAASSS

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “[applause] C: Thank you. This means- C: Charlotte?”

yES GIRL YES SHE ISSS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK I DIE AND I DIED SO MUCH FYI

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Charlotte: AT LAAAAAAAAAAAST MY LOVE HAS COME ALOOOOONG MY LONELY DAYS...”

Omfg these NERDS

it’s a great song ok i love it

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Charlotte: Connie. You’re such a fucking idiot. *wipes eyes* If that’s...”

My word vomiting babe I'm so proud of you

i added the word vomiting last minute and i’m glad i did because it’s so annie style and also you pointed it out things are good

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “[applause] C: Thank you. This means- C: Charlotte?”

YES CHARLOTTE

I CRYYYYYY

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

Annie you're amazing

;_; fuck no please don’t do this to me

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

Yess babe goooo

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “ her hair cascades down her shoulders and onto mine she laughs,...”

This is everything

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “ her hair cascades down her shoulders and onto mine she laughs,...”

IM YELLIN

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “C: Uh…hi. Hello. Today I’m here to…present a poem that I wrote for a...”

I BELIEVE IN YOU BABES

monets-pixels replied to your photoset

ME TOO

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “HoneyPop Bar, San Maraschino, 9 pm  ?: LAAAAAAAAAADIES GENTS AND...”

!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhh

asjkbfaskjfnakjsfnaksjfnaksfjanskfjasfsd let me tell you how great it was to see you react i can’t believe i did so good ;_; THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING ME AND CONNIE TOO

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

this is best

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

this is so great

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

"t<i>he truth is so much, yet / so little: her. / you." is another hell of a line and im going to ban u but also not</i>

fucc u dont repeat my lines i still cringe but also dont fucc u bc ajhsbfajshfbajfhbasfjahsbfas i die im forever at ur service basically

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “the world is cold but she makes it warm makes it home i want to kiss...”

THATS IT IM BROOMSTICKING U TO DO POETRY AGAIN

i cRY I CRY I STILL CRY FUCC

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “ her hair cascades down her shoulders and onto mine she laughs,...”

"i burn / (we burn so bright)" is one hell of a line i know i just told u this but u need it somewhere it wont go away in 1h

;____________________________________________; my stomach is everywhere tbh

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “ her hair cascades down her shoulders and onto mine she laughs,...”

FUCK U ANNIE this is great im dead :')

fuck you too were both dead its a gr8 way to b

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

a bunch of catiis

the best audience

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Uh…hi. Hello. Today I’m here to…present a poem that I wrote for a...”

you're doing amazing sweetie

dang......you got out the apostrophes it must be rly special (tbh reading this comment i had no idea if you were talking to connie or me)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Glade…she’s not here. G: So? Connie you WILL GO THE FUCK OUT THERE...”

gLADE THREATENED TO BROOMSTICC CONNIE IM LIVING SO MUCH THIS IS MORE THAN I COULD EVER HOPE FOR I LOV

I KNOW I KNOW IT WAS A RANDOM IDEA AND I LOVED IT TOO MUCH (glade too is such a meme child i cry this must b the forth)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

aaaaaaaaa baby

i know i cry she did this on her own and it was so perfect

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “HoneyPop Bar, San Maraschino, 9 pm  ?: LAAAAAAAAAADIES GENTS AND...”

I am this man this is me presenting this q of urs

its the willsmithing meme just reversed but also :,)

pixeldemographics replied to your post “looks like my queue is back today!”

were gonna hav words abt that negativity i know its gonna be beautiful SHUP UP

;________________; listen i hav a lot of thoughts abt that night and your support

pixeldemographics replied to your audio post “Bastille - Warmth”

fun fact this played while i was on the subway today and i thought abt u baby :')

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I KNOW I READ THIS DAYS AGO BUT IM STILL AAAAAAAING

amixofpixels replied to your post “Another Quick Reply Post”

And who doesn't want hugs? I know I'm not the biggest fan of them, but if I really needed one, who cares who it's from.

WAIT WHAT????? YOU’RE NOT A FAN OF HUGS??? ;-; MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE

amixofpixels replied to your post “Another Quick Reply Post”

I just had a really bad night, and a bad couple of days. It's still not too great but I'm feeling better mentally.

akjfnaksjfbnaksjfbasjfkasfd i hope you’re good these days ♥ haven’t seen you in a bit but i suppose you’re busy christmassing ;)

[viper-no-viping]

Wweelp. I guess it's Rambling Time.

Not even sure how far I'll get in any particular topic, but, we're still kind of rusty with blathering shit for school assignments, so.. Here I am, exercising my shit-blathering pathways, or whatever.

I guess an initial General Weather Report would be suitable, given that seems to be how our collectively chronophobic ass keeps track of things that we will Almost Definitely forget in the nearish future.. But that would require thinking in detail about Various Things and that's kind of Not My Bag rly, heh, so. I dunno, I guess we'll see what happens.

Suppose starting with the current thought process will suffice. There's this trans chick on YouTube we follow, who posted recently that she's getting bottom surgery, now that she's recovered from her facial feminization surgery. From there I ended up at.. One or two other videos, pretty sure it was two, about her transition timeline.

And now "transition timeline testosterone" is sitting there in the YouTube search bar staring back at me and I'm just like :\ lol dunno, or someshit.. sigh.

This video made some Feely Feels rear their dysphoric heads, because of some Hashtag Relatable shit about the way he described stuff.. And I'm sure the seething jealousy that he got top surgery means something, heh, meanwhile we're over here crossing our fingers that the body isn't too fucked up for even a breast reduction, which, even for that, the co-pay alone.. ugh.

I mean, not like I actually know how much it would be yet, hopefully Tahni will remember to ask about that when we see the primary again for the results of the next ultrasound to make sure that ovarian cyst isn't fucking cancer, fucking goddamn cancer, never would have thought we'd be stressing over that as a possibility but here we fucking are..

Well. I personally don't have much history, hehe, what with the Iiii don't, exist, Iiii don't, exist.. et cetera.. yeeup, not sure where that was going, but anyway. Yeah. If not from the fucking ovaries, possibly from the goddamn thyroid, which is Fun. Apparently there are no actual known causes for the thyroid cancers, shit just fucking happens, more commonly in "women." Yay.

But I mean, even if it is some kind of fucking thyroid cancer, at this point just take the shit out and put us on thyroid meds for the rest of our life, just make this shit stop.. ugh, but it's probably not even one thing, is it, this whole fucking body is going to shit, and how many months will it be until we've done enough tests and shit to figure out what's even going on..

It's so funny, two years ago they Really Thought it would just be an endoscopy and colonoscopy to find the cause, just a couple tests.. xD Ahh, funny in a kind of lol kill me way.. But at least shit is actually showing UP on tests now. Just having the vague undiagnosable bullshit is a different kind of agony, like before the LPR was diagnosed, it is Fucked Up trying to get any kind of answer on shit when your main symptom is just a constant hellish nausea, not anything that comes back from a lab test with Actual Results that doctors will Actually Respect.. To say nothing of how family and friends start slowly but surely deciding to themselves that it's just you making a fuss out of "nothing."

So, yeah. Different kind of hell, but godfuckingdamn I would take almost any other ailment aside from this fucking Everlasting Period bullshit. Talk about fucking dysphoria, haha. You really hate acknowledging the existence of this entire section of the meatsuit you're stuck in? Here, have some as-yet-undiagnosed ~menstrual issues~ that make the most unpleasant thing that section of the meatsuit does last TWICE AS LONG AS IT USED TO!! THAT SURELY WON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO STAB YOURSELF AT ALL!!!!

Yep. Look how well I'm coping. XDD STFU self, damn.

Or, well, I guess don't STFU, still need to exercise the word-vomit muscles, god knows how the fuck I'm gonna get by the rest of that godforsaken pass/fail How To Actually Do Shit With Your Psychology Degree Part I class.. Due tomorrow is an assignment in place of a midterm, to make a resume and goal list of shit to do that'll make said resume better.

Except there are no accredited fully-online law schools yet, so what in the ungodly fuck are we gonna even do with the degree? It's not like having it is gonna make the body less of a complete medical fucking wreck, it's not like it'll erase the fact that we can never know when we're going to be suddenly fucking incapacitated with dizziness/ridiculous cramps/intense don't-fucking-move-or-you'll-gag nausea for days on end so we can't actually keep a consistent schedule of doing anything outside of the house, what the fuck good is it gonna do me to make a fucking resume reminding me of exactly how worthless of a job candidate we are at this point?

Whoops, that Got Deep real quick, haha. But like, seriously, what the shit do I even put on a resume aside from the fact that we accidentally started the Psychology Club at our high school? If we use the non-chronological resume format it'll make the employment gap stand out less, but it's supposed to emphasize skills and experience instead, and what fucking skills or whatever can we even put on a resume? What fucking skill set will make you a viable job candidate when you can't even stand for the length of a shower without your legs getting shaky, but you don't have a fancy enough degree or the social stamina to handle a job that doesn't require some form of physical labor? Not to mention I think there's also supposed to be a made-up cover letter, something like "Hi I'm XYZ and I'm applying for ABC job with this resume", what the fucking shit can I even put for that when I know how Ridiculously Limited we are at this point?

A bunch of blathered nonsense to fill a page with lots of words and hopefully conceal the fact that we're completely making shit up. That's what. Because I can't just say "I'm Pretty Much Fucked in terms of traditional employment because chronically ill autistic multiple, and am trying to plan out a career in online comics, or if online law school becomes a thing I'll gladly use my psych degree for that." That's how you fail an assignment, even if it's the truth. I can't exactly write a cover letter to the internet announcing our intent to try that shit. So. Yeah. All aboard the Blathering Train, instead.

But yeah, anyway, that's enough financial/career angst for right now. Back to dysphoria angst!, lolol.

Yeah, so, here I am staring at this shit in the search bar and just.. Like, I don't even know if it would be medically safe to try HRT at this point, but aside from that, I don't even think that's what we want, ideally? Not interested in dealing with facial hair, armpit and "downstairs" hair already pisses some of us off enough..

Not sure if we're interested in being perceived as male, I guess, but not really wanting to be perceived as female either? I'm pretty sure at this point most of us are either specifically agender, or don't subscribe to the concept of gendering traits at all and just call themselves non-binary..

Like, the vast majority of us have fucking hated the body's boobs since they first showed up in middle school. We gave Not A Fuck for gendered shit, in general, but on an autistic sensory level we Fucking Despise pressure on the body's chest and these bitches are heavy. Even moreso than usual, recently, what with the hormones being fucked up. Fucking hate it.

But like, how do you explain to a doctor that you want the boobs off completely? The best we can probably realistically hope for is a reduction because back pain, but I dunno if it would Raise Questions if we asked what the smallest possible size they could do was. Could we settle for As? Would it be weird to ask to go from DDs to As? Weird enough that someone would take the time to be like "now hang on a second" and start trying to make us go through the red tape bullshit to be on record as Officially A Trans TM?

If we could get away with not wearing a bra without looking like we're wearing weird droopy melons under our shirt, I feel like that much would be enough for several of us, even if the body did still technically have some small boobage. As long as it didn't impede us or anything we wanted to do, if it didn't get in the way or weigh down on our chest, if it didn't make our shirts fit weird, I feel like we could deal with that..

But then I see this trans bro on YouTube here and hhnnghh why can't we just not have themmmm..

I mean, ideally, why can't the fuckers be detachable so those who don't hate them can put them on when they feel like it and the rest of us can go on our merry way without them, but, heh, science isn't quite there yet.. Next best thing seems like it would be getting top surgery and letting whomever felt like having boobs just stuff a bra when they wanted to. But of course, insurance won't pay for it if it's just because We Really Want It, we'd have to either be Officially Trans TM and jump through all those hoops and hope top surgery is covered, or we'd have to just settle for a breast reduction covered under back pain.

I guess it also Says Something, that so many of us in the system are asexual-and/or-gay dudes, or simply never thought about it and are female "by default" aka because the body was categorized as that and we didn't care enough about gender to think there was any other option, we just accepted the narrative presented to us, that we were just "not like other girls." None of us have ever felt super masculine or super feminine, that I can recall, because What The Fuck Even Is Gender, and why the fuck is it necessary to divide up traits into human-created categories anyway..

But it makes it hard to figure out exactly where we are in terms of transness.. We've known Basically Forever that we "aren't like other girls," but gender means so little to us that we never particularly wanted to be a boy either, so calling ourselves a trans guy or even just non-binary transmasculine still seems odd, even though it seems like the latter should fit..

But then, how much of that is just cisheteronormativity in action? Because I know we've had several dreams wherein we had a wang and it felt pretty natural, not foreign and out of place like the body's current genitalia setup. But like, what the fuck does wang-creating surgery even look like, that sounds like a whole mess of complicated shit to figure out, and we're already medically compromised..

With the arrival of our newest non-straight dude, one of several in the system, some of us have had to seriously reexamine where we stand on gender shit. I guess at this point it's generally accepted that we would have been much better suited to existence as "semi-effeminate AMAB homoflexible non-binary ace," rather than "pan-quoiro AFAB possibly transmasculine non-binary ace"..

I guess it feels like masculine should have been the starting point that we feminized to our liking, instead of starting off with feminine and not knowing if we want to be "masculine enough" to be categorized as "transmasculine".. Is it "masculine enough" if we want the boobs off but can't do HRT because half the shit this other video mentions sounds just as bad as having the boobs? We can't stand body hair and acne and all that, and god knows how HRT would even work with all the hormonal issues the body's already having..

The more I think about what we ultimately would ideally want, the more it seems like we would really just prefer having no AFAB reproductive parts/periods and no boobs, maybe a wang and a lower voice, and that's it. I guess maybe we could try out the aesthetic of some minimal beardage, but body hair in general already irritates several of us.. So like, for various reasons I don't see HRT happening.

We already know most of us would have the boobs off tomorrow if we could, but I guess what's tripping some of us up now is the fact that Vern is way less genitalia-repulsed than most of us, and in fact seems to generally handle the notion of Having A Body better than most of us.. And he definitely identifies as a guy, a non-binary semi-effeminate robot guy but still definitely masc-leaning, so.. What does it say about us if so many of us have already been questioning this for so long, and now the one who's most secure in his gender identity out of all of us is one of our masc-leaning non-binary guys?

I don't even know how we would.. React to it, I guess, if we did try to.. I dunno, embrace being transmasculine or something.. It doesn't feel like we'd prefer to do anything drastically different, behavior-wise, and we don't care enough about pronouns to try to figure out something gender-neutral that isn't "they" because gender-neutral "they" within a plural "they" system is confusing as fuck.. So like, I don't think most of us on the fence about being transmasculine would change our names or whatever, or use he/him pronouns, it would just.. Feel better to not have certain anatomical bits be perceived as part of who we are?

But then that just kind of makes us wonder if we're being a Bad Trans TM or something, like if that counts as reducing gender to body parts or something.. This is all so goddamn complicated.

Hot damn, finally got around to looking up some YouTubeage about how the fuck a phalloplasty actually works.. Taking skin, fat, a nerve, and an artery from the donor site to make it, that sounds so fucking unnerving to even think about, taking body stuff from one area and like.. Making a wang? Ughh, there are so many stages.. Yeah, no, even getting the AFAB reproductive bits out seems like possibly too much intense surgery for us, I don't see how we could ever manage this kind of bottom surgery, shit sounds fucking terrifying, I guess the notion of taking so much shit from another area on the body just kind of gets us in a body horror kind of way..

So yeah, I don't see us being able to do that.. And I mean, we're not really sexually-focused to begin with, so like, aside from just the base-level comfort of Having It, it's not like we'd desperately Need a wang or anything to have a fulfilling life? Just NOT having the AFAB reproductive shit/periods, that would be the main thing, not having that shit and not having the boobs. If we had a lower voice we could pass as a guy if we wanted to, and we'd probably like that, but weighing that one thing against the whole list of other shit that comes with HRT, it's probably not worth it.

But how do you ask for, much less get covered for, removing the boobs and reproductive stuff with no Official Medical Reason, just "because I don't want it"? Non-binary dysphoria doesn't seem like it would be considered a Valid Enough reason for it to be covered, but we don't want to go into a Full Transition either, so.. yeah, I dunno how we'll end up being more comfortable just existing in the body, with so many roadblocks.

I dunno, objectively it's probably internalized transphobia/nb-phobia or whatever the name for that is, not feeling "trans enough" and whatnot.. But I guess part of it is also, why can't we just be a fucking gender mystery and be allowed to exist that way? It's our fucking meatsuit, why do we have to pigeonhole ourselves into either Male or Female just for our insurance to believe that certain bodyparts cause us extreme dysphoria and we'd be better off without them? Why can't we just be a person with no boobs and maybe a wang and a voice that can't be readily identified as male or female?

I dunno why I'm even rambling about this, I know why, cisheteronormativity and various historical fuckeries, et cetera. I guess it's just frustrating trying to figure out where we are on the gender spectrum when we're blocked from making the modifications that would make the body feel less alien to us. Maybe if we could actually get top surgery, we would have a better idea of whether we consider ourselves transmasculine or just some kind of masc-leaning genderfluid non-binary, which is where several of us seem to be right now..

Hnngh. This guy seems like a good example of where we might end up one day if we do end up trying out HRT, but the idea of the body being more of a pain than it already is in terms of body hair/acne/et cetera just seems so shitty..

Haha, is it weird that I'm kind of hoping that ovarian cyst will end up being cancer and they'll give us an option to remove the whole reproductive setup in there? Because we would do that shit in a heartbeat. What's that called, a hysterectomy? A total laparoscopic hysterectomy with bilateral ovary-something-something.. How do you convince insurance that you Need that to improve your quality of life, without establishing yourself as Fully Transitioning?

Wow, this guy's scars are so small, huh, would have thought it'd be worse.. Goddamn, we'd love to have all that shit taken out. Not like we're fucking using any of it, it's just been causing us more and more agony since puberty, can't be doing this fucking 11-day period bullshit anymore, the dysphoria was bad enough on its own..

ugh, why the fuck am I even looking at all this, not like we can do any major surgeries for a while yet, if at all..

I don't know, I guess trying to work out what we would collectively be least-dysphoric with is useful, it's just extra depressing thinking about how hard it'll be to get the boobs off, or even reduced, much less the whole reproductive removal biz.. feh. Time to ramble about something else.

hmph, actually, should probably do the other quiz for that pass/fail class.. -.- That way we can just deal with the resume/goal list bullshit tomorrow, mmmmboy.. meh, that would require more focus than I probably have though, guess it'll be tomorrow.

I dunno. The 10th-to-12th anniversary is fast approaching, probably best to just disappear into distractions a bit longer, at least until it's passed. Still not sure if it'd be best to avoid tumblr or what, on the 12th, but I guess we'll see.. meh.