#but do know that the whole part of knights sitting at the table w sunglasses on was one of the first thoughts i had for this whole thing

[canarymemories]

i gotta tell you how i feel about you

rating: general audiences archive warning: no archive warnings apply fandom: ensemble stars relationships: harukawa sora/suou tsukasa, narukami arashi & sakuma ritsu & sena izumi & suou tsukasa & tsukinaga leo additional tags: fluff, love confessions, pining, meddling, i love that that's a tag, anyway the other knights give tsukasa advice, and then spy very badly words: 2,645 published: 2023-07-10

summary: he exhales slowly and feels some of the worries leave him. if his seniors had faith in him, then so did he. and how hard could saying i like you, harukawa-kun really be? for sorakasa week day 1: confessions

here on ao3

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tsukasa can’t remember the last time he was this nervous.

he’s standing outside the entrance of café cinnamon, a few minutes before he’s set to meet sora for their scheduled meeting. instead of looking forward to this as he normally does, his heart is racing and his hands are clammy. realistically, tsukasa doesn’t have anything to worry about in the first place, and that would be true now too if he didn’t decide earlier that week that today would be the day he confesses his feelings to sora.

though it’s not exactly fair to her, tsukasa would like to say that arashi is to blame for this. 

a month or so ago, she’d said that his little excursions with sora — the ones where they meet to eat together and then return to the dorms to play whichever game sora has picked out for them — sounded like dates. and, after some careful consideration, tsukasa came to realize that he wouldn’t really mind if they were dates.

the only issue with knowing that is how to tell sora as much.

at first, tsukasa debated with himself on whether or not he was going to tell sora, but there’s only so many times he can think about holding his friend’s hand in a non-platonic way, daydreams of being the one to lace their fingers together before it getting to him.

he’d been trying to tell sora for a few weeks now, yet all of those failed since every time he’d gathered the courage to tell sora, the two of them would be interrupted or something would come up and his words would stay stuck in his throat. at least tsukasa knows sora well enough to know that they wouldn’t stop being friends if he were to confess, which does make him feel a little more confident.

tsukasa takes a deep breath.

he’d spent a little longer than he’d like to admit in the mirror this morning practicing confessing to his reflection while shinobu and souma were out of the room. it had helped then, but glancing at his watch every few minutes as time ticked down to their meeting time wiped away any calm he had.

somewhat reluctantly and not entirely up to him, he consulted the other knights prior to coming to the café and their support had somewhat made him feel better.

it’d started when leo interrupted him mid sentence while tsukasa was discussing business matters, having called a proper knights meeting to talk about their budget as well as the potential of a live in the coming weeks.

“suo, what’re you so antsy for?” leo asked.

tsukasa looked up from the papers in front of him. “leo-san, it’s rude to interrupt someone while they’re talking, we’ve gone over this. and i don’t know what you’re referring to. i’m perfectly calm.”

leo shot him a disbelieving look. “then why do you keep checking the time?”

tsukasa mentally cursed leo for being so perceptive at the worst of times. “i have a meeting with someone later,” he explained. then, feeling a little self conscious, he’d added, “and i don’t ‘keep checking the time.’ i’ve only looked twice.”

at the same time leo said, “three times,” arashi cut in by asking, maybe a little too excitedly, “is it one of your little dates with sora-chan?”

tsukasa sighed. “i told you before, they aren’t dates.”

“that’s not a no, suuchan,” ritsu pointed out.

“why are you all so interested in my plans for later?”

“naru-kun’s just interested because she can’t get a date,” izumi said, earning an offended gasp in response from arashi.

“that’s so not true,” arashi defended.

tsukasa rubbed his temple. “it’s not a date,” he repeated. then he paused.

as much as he dreades bringing any topic regarding his time with sora up with them  — he knew that his seniors would tease him about this for who knows how long — tsukasa could use some advice or at least someone to hear him out. 

“but,” tsukasa started only to trail off. he wasn’t sure what was more nervewracking, the thought of confessing to someone he likes a lot or admitting to some of the people he holds the closest that he has a crush.

“but you want it to be,” ritsu finished for him, a sly, knowing smile coloring his words.

tsukasa bit the inside of his cheek. his face felt hot and he was all too aware of the fact that they were waiting for some kind of response, so he avoided their stares and instead looked at the table as he nodded. there was a beat of silence and then another. it was more unnerving than he would like to admit.

“ah, sena! our son’s all grown up!” leo yelled.

tsukasa thought he preferred the silence.

as izumi grumbled out some response, tsukasa looked over to see arashi miming wiping a tear from her eye. “oh, they grow up so fast,” she said.

“narukami-senpai,” he deadpanned. “i’m a month younger than you.”

she, of course, ignored this. arashi reached across the table and took his hands in hers. “let onee-chan help you.”

her eyes were so bright and hopeful that he found himself saying, “very well,” without much hesitation.

arashi perked up and somehow brightened with his response. maybe agreeing was a bad idea, but tsukasa held the four of them highly, trusted them enough to know that she truly wanted to help if not also gossip a little bit. 

“naru’s really good with love advice,” leo sagely added. arashi preened at the compliment.

tsukasa felt himself flushing again. acknowledging he likes sora is one thing, but calling it love felt like a little too much. 

“tsukasa-chan,” arashi said, “tell me everything.”

“we’d be here all day if you have him do that,” izumi pointed out. 

“nacchan, just help him with his date,” ritsu said. “than you can ask him all you want later.”

arashi looked a little disappointed, but she agreed nonetheless with a small nod. “okay, tsukasa-chan, tell onee-chan about this date of yours.”

the urge to deny its status as a date sat on his tongue, but he didn’t say it that time. it seemed a little hypocritical by that point. tsukasa gave a little shrug. “harukawa-kun and i meet sometimes to have a meal. then he chooses a game for us to play once we return to the dorms.” he considered his options briefly before adding, “i am… planning on telling him about my feelings today.”

arashi squealed which made tsukasa feel even more embarrassed about sharing that aloud with them. she squeezed his hands between hers as she said, “you are? tsukasa-chan, you’re so cute. how are you gonna do it?”

tsukasa pretended he didn’t notice the other three being just as attentive as arashi even with them not saying anything. “is there a way i should do it? i was just going to tell him outright. i don’t want to complicate things.”

“tell him with a song!” leo piped up.

“leo-san, i’m not going to sing to him in the middle of café cinnamon.”

“boo, your loss. a song would work, i’m telling you. there’s no way it wouldn’t.”

“not everyone is like you, leo-kun,” izumi said, sounding like they’d had similar conversations before. “no one just has a song ready for every occasion, you know.”

“i do,” leo replied. “sort of.”

leaving the two of them to bicker on their own, ritsu said, “i don’t think it has to be anything extravagant, right, nacchan?”

she nodded. “as long as you get your feelings across, that’s all that matters. don’t overthink it, okay?”

now, a little over an hour after that conversation, tsukasa finds himself overthinking it all.

he exhales slowly and feels some of the worries leave him. if his seniors had faith in him, then so did he. and how hard could saying i like you, harukawa-kun really be? so, with a somewhat clear mind, tsukasa heads into café cinnamon only to stop dead in his tracks a few steps inside.

the last thing he expected to see there is all four of his seniors sitting at a table off in the corner, all donning sunglasses as if that hides who they are at all. as soon as tsukasa pauses, clearly staring at them, they all lift their menus and act as if they don’t see him.

he sighs heavily. he shouldn’t have told them anything.

seeing as they’re intending on spying, tsukasa decides to ignore them for the time being. he spots sora a second later, sitting at the table they tend to frequent on their not-dates.

“ah, tsuka-chan! hello!” sora greets as he nears.

as tsukasa pulls out his chair and sits, he says, “ good afternoon, harukawa-kun. were you waiting long?”

sora shakes his head. “no, but sora doesn’t mind waiting. he was busy looking at people’s colors.”

“i see.” that’s reassuring at least.

“oh, sora ordered for us. he wasn’t sure what to get you, so he just got the parfait you had when we were here last.”

tsukasa gets a strange little rush of warmth from that. they haven’t been able to meet up all too often recently, so for sora to remember when he’d gotten when they’d last been together makes tsukasa feel special. “thank you. that was what i was going to order.”

sora nods along, slowly slightly as he looks past tsukasa. “leo-san and the others are here.”

tsukasa internally groans. so much for that moment. “just ignore them,” he says.

sora smiles and waves, which makes tsukasa turn to see both arashi and izumi yanking down leo’s arm as he waves back to sora. while there’s a hushed argument playing out behind him, tsukasa sighs again.

“my sincerest apologies for them,” he says as if that would make up for anything. “they’re just here to meddle, so it’s better to pretend they’re not even here.”

it hits tsukasa when sora tilts his head slightly and asks, “meddling with what?” that maybe he didn’t think that one through before saying it.

“um…” tsukasa finds himself clamming up. he wasn’t planning on telling sora here in the café of all places, partially worrying about any unwanted listeners as well as him thinking that he’d rather have that conversation be something between the two of them. it doesn’t feel proper to confess his feelings here of all places, especially with his seniors very poorly spying on them. “i…”

sora patiently waits for him to continue. tsukasa would normally appreciate it, but this time, it only makes him feel put on the spot. despite having been trying to prepare himself for this moment for a few weeks at this point, it feels like all of that preparation flew out of the window at the last minute.

luckily, before it gets to be too long of an awkward pause of him trying to come up with something, what sora had ordered for them arrives at the table. tsukasa thanks the waiter, who he thankfully doesn’t recognize, before deciding to keep his gaze on his parfait as a distraction.

tsukasa acts like he doesn’t feel eyes on his back as he says, “i will tell you later.”

sora accepts this easily, humming to himself as he begins to eat whatever he’d gotten for himself. tsukasa refuses to look at him, working on calming his nerves as he picks up his spoon and begins to eat as well.

it doesn’t take long for his phone to buzz in his pocket. at first, tsukasa doesn’t think much of it — and it would be rude to check it when he’s with sora anyway — but then it buzzes two more times in quick succession. he slides his phone out of his pocket to see the messages are coming from the knights group chat, mostly along the lines of asking him how it’s going. his phone buzzes once more in his hand; a message from arashi asking if he’s told sora yet.

rather than responding to any of them, tsukasa shuts his phone off and puts it back in his pocket. he doesn’t need any more input from them currently. after all, he has enough to think about since he’d already said too much and essentially promised to tell sora why the others are there.

either way, he can’t let this go on forever; tsukasa knows he’ll have to tell sora sooner or later and he’d already told himself that today was the day. he’s not one for giving into cowardice, but when tsukasa looks up and sees sora staring at him, eyes questioning as he asks, “is everything alright, tsuka-chan? your colors are all over the place right now,” tsukasa thinks maybe he could let this whole confessing thing go for another day.

however, his mouth doesn’t seem to be on the same wavelength as his brain as tsukasa blurts out, “i like you.”

the two of them stare at each other and in that moment, tsukasa thinks he might know some peace today if the earth swallowed him whole. he’d been intending to tell sora at the right time — whatever that meant — and not now. he feels more nervous now than he had before at just the thought of saying those words to sora.

tsukasa’s spiraling is put on pause when sora giggles. his cheeks are tinted a soft pink and his eyes are sparkling in a way tsukasa knows will stick in his head for a while. “sora likes you too, tsuka-chan.” with that, sora makes a happy little noise and goes back to eating his own parfait.

huh.

was it really that easy this whole time?

“you do?” tsukasa asks. he feels warm again and he’s very happily ignoring the whispered chatter behind him.

“mmhm! sora was waiting for you to say something.”

that makes tsukasa freeze. “you knew how i felt ?”

to that, sora looks a little sheepish. “mm, well… sora had an idea since your colors would get brighter around him, but sora didn’t want to say anything until you did.”

tsukasa isn’t sure what’s worse, that sora’s been aware to some extent of his feelings this whole time or that his seniors are still sitting there watching this all happen. “i… see.” he isn’t sure what else to say. he’d much rather hide his face in his hands until he stops feeling so warm and jittery.

“you don’t have to worry about sora telling anyone else, though, he promises.”

“thank you for that at least,” tsukasa replies. 

does he have to fill the others in as promised if they’d been sat there watching the whole time? at least arashi was right, he didn’t have to overthink it so much.

he picks his spoon back up and continues eating his parfait. sora is content to leave the rest of their meal silent, so tsukasa takes the time to think. he certainly feels less tense now, the adrenaline of the confession wearing off a little to make him feel slightly more calm about the whole situation. he supposes any further conversation about this could be done away from the prying eyes of the other knights.

the building nerves have settled into something more of a pleasant giddiness. tsukasa’s lips pull into a little smile as he finishes his parfait. sora must notice because when tsukasa glances up at him, sora is smiling back at him, cheeks still a faint rosy hue. tsukasa wonders if he looks the same.

against better judgment, tsukasa glances back at his seniors. as soon as they notice he’s looking, ritsu and leo give him thumbs up and arashi is quick to follow. tsukasa stares blankly at the four of them for a second as ritsu tries to get izumi to follow in suit before turning back to sora. now seems like as good a time as any to ditch them.

end notes:

i just think. knights would join together to look out for (read: spy on) their youngest lsdkgh know that the sorakasa sillies held hands on the way back to the dorms (i couldn't figure out how to add this in)

everyone say thank you to the ao3 volunteers who have been working on getting the site running

title from satellite pls listen to it, i think it's a cute song (plus esc propaganda askhdg)

[vacationcalendar]

8/7/21

Hi boyfriend~

Just took a weed gummie in honor of Bonnie’s birthday weekend. My present for my friend is that I’ll suck it up and be an active participant in their life for a change. I’ll be game for a whole weekend. I got up early today and tagged along to volunteer at a charity 5k. We grabbed some coffee and wandered to the halfway point of the course (thus walking an entire 5k in the process! Not too shabby ;D), and then camped out a water station that I’d say should be very grateful I actually showed up to work its sorry ass. Bonnie didn’t have to do any managing/delegating, they just got to post up and chatter at the runners-by. I’m pretty sure if I didn’t go, and I promise I am not tooting my own horn, that water stand would not have been the fun water stand that it was. They would have had 2 dunces making it go worse, and only 3 people managing 4 tables of water cups. Volunteers man, what are you gonna do? I’m sure that’s why they were looking for 8 people per water stand, just to statistically ensure that SOMEONE with half a brain would be around to help out.

Great morning though. JUST a little too hot, but that’s how you know you were doing solid work out there. The proof is in the pits, baby!

Ok, 40 minute bathroom break is over. Man, nothing like starting the blog to make me SO productive in the mornings! It’s such a cheat code. I did laundry, dishes, pooped; my whole day is bright and available now! But now I’m tired and I don’t want to write anymore. I had about a 6 minute where I wanted to do this today and I actually hit it for a second before I had to stop and do ANYTHING ELSE I guess. So, fuck. What do we write now?

I had to get up suuuuper early for this 5k thing, and I only got like 4 hours of sleep because I did not factor in the early wake up until like 6pm yesterday, and I had already slept like 14 hours that day :I That’s right, I woke up, immediately crushed the blog, went back to laying down, played League, and watched tv and shit until I felt tired enough to sleep and get ready for the 5k, which was 2am. So now I have a weed gummie digesting in me and I have a nap climbing up my priority list and this is why I don’t like weed. I feel like I have to plan my fucking shit around it, and I’m not good at that. Part of me thinks I can crash right now and wake up before the drugs make me sleep for 2 hours longer than I want, and give me weird, unpleasant dreams. I can’t possibly pull that off, I’m not sleepy, I’m just like sluggish. So basically what I have to do now is power through into the “trip” (maybe I’ll luck out and miss it and I can just pretend I’m high, which I won’t do, but hey we’re brainstorming here), and let that smoothly transition me into a nap. And THAT would mean that I have to entertain myself for the time being to get me into a good place to start being high...? And then I can like power up my activities WHILE high, and that would be fun. Playing video games, great. Playing video game high? That’s the whole point of it. I mean like, that’s the whole point of life, right? And then I can be like NAPTIME BITCH, and that would be fun also, in theory. And then I can go put a podcast on and go to the movies? Ugh, I don’t want to go the movies anymore. I’m to tired :( This sucks.

I’m trying to go see Green Knight. I’m sure that sentence won’t matter at all in even like 4 months from now, but I think it should be a fun time. So much more productive than anything I can do from the desk. And it’s not summertime like this forever. You gotta get that shit in so you don’t think you miss it when the weather turns. You want to be sitting inside on a cold autumn day thinking “good riddance, being outside is entirely overrated.” And I’m not there yet. Man I don’t know. Well how bout this? Let’s do a little more brainstorming while I’m trapped here writing to your dumb ass. If you ever read these again this part will be like a little prank on you lol. Ok: 1: Stay here, no movie. Let’s lock that in. that should make having to navigate being high so much easier. Let’s let the pipe dream of doing everyone’s favorite thing of being at a theater high wait just a little longer. Today can be a trial run. We’ll walk around today and think about what it would be like if I had biked 20 minutes to a movie theater and watched a 2 hour movie and biked home. And when we suss out that it would have been unenjoyable, we’ll feel like geniuses for making this call. So that’s out of the way. LOCK IT IN

2. I don’t know yet. Let’s just start simple. Food. What’s up? We have almost no groceries. We have no bread for a tuna salad sandwich, but let’s put that in the to-do list. We need more english muffins too. That was an A+ 10/10 move last month. Just muffins w/ strawberry jam, and egg McMuffins whenever the fuck I wanted, which was always. Frozen Veggies like Corn or Beans would be good. Bag Chop Salad kits. They weren’t on sale last week, and it’s goddamn highway robbery when they’re at full price. So this week would be the perfect time to check in on ‘em. And I’ll commit more to an equivalent substitute this time if I can’t find a good deal. Let’s see, what else? Oof my wpm and accuracy is starting to take a hit. The first and only symptom! Nice! Miku. Meat. Spaghetti and meat sauce? Gotta check out what ragu shit you have in the house before you do that. Consider this your reminder! I know you’ve never successfully pulled that off, but I have full confidence in you. Oh fuck, now I’m starting to worry a little bit the coherent quality of this is about to start dropping. Well, another fun little prank for ya bitch! Fruit leathers? I just have no fucking idea. Ok, so shopping can 100% wait for another day. This isn’t anywhere close to a cohesive trip. So we can eat out somewhere! Great, lock it bitch. I’m starting to swear more; it’s because I can’t find the right words anymore. Oh boy, the weed smelling burps are happening. This really is so gross and difficult. Beer is just a more bitter version of soda. It’s actively refreshing. Damn, if only I’d been a little more exposed to peer pressure at an earlier age. I’d have been past this awkward uncomfortable phase of weed, like how I (and basically everyone) was with alcohol. You slam Natty Lites with your nose closed until you start to realize life is little more pleasurable than the absolute Kelvin zero you had come to be familiar with. Uh, ok, I’m starting to let my mind wander. He’s daydreaming, chief! I suppose I could just transcribe the dialogue of the daydreams, but I can’t keep up. This is just break o’clock.

3. What do I fucking eat!? I had to make a whole nother numbered point, and I still don’t have the plan. Jesus H,. Ok here’s what AROUND. Chex Mix, unopened. 1 Grape Soda. Cookie Dough Ice Cream (w choc sauce). Raisins, PB, Ramen, meh. Reese Cups! I just looked behind and was like, “oh yeah! Nice”. If that’s not everything, that’s REALLY close. So what’s calling my name? Pizza? Chinese? Damn, I might just have to play this by ear. Nothing at all sounds interesting, and I’m not the slightest bit hungry (we got free Dim Sum after the 5k. It was called the Dim Sum and Then Some 5k). Ok, so other options to keep on the back burner for later would be: Kebab, Chicken Sandwich, go get Pizza Rolls and Chippies at the store. Ok that’s enough options, that fuckin really took it outta me, I can’t believe it. My hands are kinda feeling heavier now too. I better think of a #4 thing to write about quick or I may lose all my inertia.

4. UMmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Movie time? I watch arrival and turn off all the lights and pop popcorn and have my soda? Where sunglasses and pretend they’re 3-D glasses? Maybe. Ugh, I can tell right now my eyes are gonna get bloodshot, or dry out or whatever. They already kinda hurt :(. It’s fine. I feel more good than not. Like I’m wrapped up in a blanket, even though I’m not. Maybe OH- Maybe I lay out on the beach chair and read in the sun with an ice coffee? Oh fuck that might actually be perfect. Then I can go no shirt and just feel nature, and maybe bugs are less troublesome when you’re high. And then I can pop Doughboys on and shower! Shower high, seems like a guaranteed home-run. Ok, I like it a lot. I have to do SOMETHING away from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum or I’ll go crazy this weekend, especially if I have to tag in on occasion and “participate” for Bonnie’s Birthday. Which, let’s be clear, is the least I can do. It’s a gimme. I owe Bonnie AT LEAST this much, even just as like backpay for holidays or yore. Like if I have the zhuzh to punch in for birthday shtuff, I better do it, right? I just looked it up, it might officially be zhoosh, not zhuzh, but zhuzh appears to me to be the best way to do it. And there’s like 5 accepted spellings of it. Stupid, not helpful. Just because it employs a sound that has no [conformed] applications in the english language? Poor excuse! Oh man, it’s so early I can’t believe it! That 5k feels like a day ago, wild. Well, hey! Point 4 is finished. Moving on!

5. What to do tonight? Who gives a fuck. Figure that part out when you get there, it does not matter at all. There, numbered list over.

Ok so, let’s just wrap this up I guess. I’m cracking an hour here, that’s plenty. Maybe tonight you do a little PRE-WRITING before bed, so this isn’t so “chore-y”. Let’s just remember you seriously considered letting yourself down completely and bailing on the blog earlier this morning. So we need to keep our expectations at appropriate levels still. It’s this NEXT week that should be very interesting. Just in terms of output. A little more practice, and little more muscle-memory. A little less crap to distract me (I have been burning through non-stop crap youtube/tv this last week since coming home, it’s fantastic. I was gonna say it was sucky, or disgusting or something, but that’s a lie I tell to myself to pretend I’m more diligent than I actually am. ACCEPT who you are and love yourself for it)

I accept you and love you Max. Ok, I have to go, I feel like I’m gonna puke... awesome 

bi