#but despite the guilt I am really attached to each of these costumes

[queen-of-meows]

If you guys need a reminder that fake leather sucks, here's a very annoying thing that happened to me today. I was going through my cosplay closet and found out my Mami Tomoe cosplay I made 8 years ago just decomposed. The whole skai part of it had turned into plastic flakes.

My first reaction was to throw the whole thing away, but I ended up changing my mind and I'm going to replace the rotten parts with better fabric (probably cotton).

[xxwinterchillxx]

Halloween Dance and Some Unfortunate Events

Summary:

Levi is willing to go all the way to get Eren to go with him to the Halloween Dance. But things get complicated since Levi cannot show any sign of intelligence around the German hottie. However, he isn’t taking no for an answer.

Rating - Teen and Up Audiences

Categories - M/M

Relationships - Levi/Eren, background relationships, Moblit/Hanji, Armin/Erwin, Krista|Historia/Ymir

Chapters - 3/?

Read below cut or read on AO3

Chapter 3 : You free tonight?

Last week was kind of a mess. Krista believed us and didn’t stir up any more trouble. Anyway, I think the incident kind of broke her spirit for now cause apparently, she doesn’t feel like going to the dance anymore. But there was a lot of unnecessary drama and shit. So, I’m really looking forward to a relaxing weekend.

The guilt will eventually creep in but for now, I’m just really glad that there’s one less competition.

6 days left till the dance.

I’m not even sure that I’ll be going to this thing though, honestly. It’s very complicated. I mean, I want to go but only with Eren. And I’m not fucking confessing to my crush.  God, it’s so embarrassing just thinking about it. And I go all gooey once I see him. Assuming that I ask him out, what if I go gooey while we’re dancing? Oh shit, I just realised. I can’t even fucking dance.

This is just too much. I’m just gonna go and take a nap.

 Tring~ Tring~

“Huh? Wa-?” I shot up, my mind hazed and clouded. I felt like a dehydrated zombie, which is why you should never take afternoon naps. “Mom! Someone’s calling!” I managed to shout, despite my sore throat.

Tring~ Tring~

A muffled voice came from the next room, “Pick it up for me, will you, hon? Mommy’s in the shower.”

I stumbled out of my bed and literally rolled down the stairs when I tripped on the blanket I wrapped myself with.

“Ouch!” I winced when my head banged against the floor on the last step.

I could distinctly hear mom saying, “Are you okay, Levi?” Yeah, sure.

I picked up the phone and rubbed my eyes, mumbling sheepishly, “Ah…hello… thi- this’… Levi.”  

I could hear some sort of muffled voices on the other end and someone whisper-shouting, “Quiet! Quiet! Shhh!”

Honestly, I’m too tired to deal with Isabel and her bullshit. So, I was about to put it back on the holder before-

“Uh!...-uhm h-hey Levi, It’s Eren.”

I could hear someone on his side mimicking him, “IT’S EREN!!” And then sounds of hitting each other.

“Oh Isabel, fuck you.”

“No no, it is me! Eren!! We sit together in some of the classes, remember?” the person on the other end quipped.

I looked at the caller ID. And my eyes literally went from half dead to shot alive. I could literally feel my stomach drop-     ‘Jaeger’

“Levi? Are you still there?”

In response, I giggled out, “Uh-huh, nyyesss~?” Oh my fucking god, I giggled. I giggled. What’s wrong with mmeeee????

“Oh, uh. I’m having a party tonight-”

“Dumbass, it’s tomorrow,” someone whispered.

“Ah right, fudge. I’m… having a party on Sturdy- Saturday night. And it’s kind of like a costume party, no biggie. Soo it’s gonna be super cool and I want you there…”

I think he said some more stuff about whether I could come or some shit, but my useless brain just stopped at ‘I want you’.

“What did one beach say to the other? Shore.” I made a gun-click sound with my tongue.

I didn’t wait for his response as I literally smashed the phone into the wall, face fuming. Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Oh god, why the fu-

Mom came down the stairs, “Honey? Why is your face all red? And why are you curled up in the middle of the living room?”

I looked at her distastefully. She probably doesn’t even know I’m gay. Huh, I don’t even know if I’m gay. I dated this girl, Annie for 8 months, which is pretty long for a high-schooler. But it kind of just faded away. We haven’t talked in like forever. Huh, we haven’t even broken up. Eh but I guess it’s kinda implied?

Well, whatever. I yanked out my iPhone from the charger and sped up to my room, making sure to close the door.

“Hanji, you’re not gonna believe this!” I chattered out happily, plopping down on the bed and squishing my pillow.

“No no, wait, don’t tell me. Lemme guess.” I could hear her shuffling through something and then a thud sound.

“What are you even doing?”

Not bothering to answer my question, she asked, “Is it Moblit?” I mentally head banged myself.

Moblit. Moblit. It’s always Moblit with her. What’s up with that? Don’t get me wrong, I love that my friend’s in a relationship but please for the love of God, stop. Even I don’t talk that much about Ere- wait, nevermind.

“No, it’s about Eren.”

She hummed, “Did he refuse?”

“What? The fuck, no, Hanji, he didn’t refuse-”

“Gee, alright, don’t get so worked up.”

It’s so hard to not yell at her sometimes.

Taking a large patient breath, I said, “He asked me to come to his costume party tomorrow night. At his house!”

“Whoa, holy shit. Hold up, Levi. I’m coming over.”

And that’s how we ended up in my room. She brought along Petra and Erwin and much to my horror, she brought Armin along. We were actually supposed to discuss my costume but having that blonde brat there made it so damn suffocating, especially since he is Eren’s best friend.

Dragging Hanji into a room, I hissed, “Why did you bring that moron?!”

Hanji viciously hissed back, “What was I supposed to do, huh, Levi? Erwin was making out with him when I climbed to his window.”

Swallowing back my vomit, I gagged, “Ew, don’t tell me that.”

We were spitting out hurtful insults at each other (you know, just like friends do) when Armin came up to us, smiling sweetly, “Can I get refill on the tea? It tastes amazing.”

Hanji and I looked at him for like a full minute before I moved, “Yeah, sure.” He isn’t a bad kid really but now, whenever I look at him, I see a very disturbing mental image of Erwin giving it to him hard. Gag. I led him into the kitchen and poured out another cup of tea. Armin sat on one of the chairs near the kitchen island.

“Eren expects you at the party, you know.” Slip. Crash.

“Jesus! Shit- W-what did you say?” I tried to play it cool as I mopped up the spilled boiling tea carefully.

“He doesn’t invite a lot of people. Well, not directly.”

I hummed positively in response as I handed him his tea. A million thoughts were processing through my head and every one of them had Armin as my very supportive wingman. After all, he is Eren’s best friend. I wanted to ask him so many things. I just couldn’t figure out how to bring it up. I wanted to ask mainly about stuff like ‘What does Eren say about me?’ ‘Have you, by chance, seen his-’

“So, what are you wearing?”

A bulb went off in my head and I almost wanted to French make out with Armin, “Oh, I don’t know…um… what.. what does he like?”

Armin scratched his head, not suspecting even a tiny thing, “He likes lots of things. Mainly stuff like superheroes, cars, transformers…” He laughed out lightly, “You know, everything a 10-year old would like, haha.”

I pretended to smile and pressured him more, “Any idea what he’s wearing?”

“A cop, I heard. He thinks it’s cool, protecting stuff.”  

I smiled. Handcuffs. Dear god, I’m so fucking gay.

“He likes cute things though. You know, small, tiny and cute?” He made a gesture with his hand as if to signal I’m short.

I cocked an eyebrow and growled, “What? You calling me tiny?”

I could see Armin was starting to panic when Erwin came in, “God, you two were in here so long. What were you talking about?”

I hopped down from the counter and headed up to my room, whispering bitterly into Erwin’s ear as I passed by, “Your tiny dick.”

 ~~oOo~~

 I sat on my sofa, swimming through dozens of my old Halloween costumes. Most of them were really crappy, to be honest. A coat and a cap (Sherlock Holmes), something greenish (Elves or Peter Pan, I don’t care) and some others. I mean, I like Halloween for the scary movies, not for candy. As a kid, I never liked going trick-or-treating that much. I liked to stay home and mooch off the candies we keep at home. Much to mom’s annoyance.

Hanji came out from my closet wearing a frown, “Don’t you have anything else?”

I looked up from an old magazine, “No.”

“Jeez, you’re fun.”

When I made no reply, Hanji walked over and plopped down next to me on the floor, “Then we’ve to buy something.”

“We?”

Ignoring me, she continued, “Something petite and cute… cute and tiny… hmm”

I listened to her humming for a split second before flipping another page of the magazine. There was a whole page advertisement for a pet shop or something. Flipping to the next page, I sighed, “I wish I could get a rabbit.”

“Say what?”

I grunted nonchalantly in response. Hanji ripped out the book from my hands earning a distraught ‘hey!’ from me.

“This is it!!”

“I was reading that, you know.”

“A bunny!! It’s cute and tiny, with its little nose and you’re so cute and ti-”

I cut her off, “Bunny costumes scream – hey, what’s up? Let’s fuck.”

Hanji winked at me, “For Eren?”

My face steamed to bright red before I screeched, “Shut up!”

And that’s how I ended up ordering a bunny costume from Hanji’s (shady) ‘guy’ or so she calls. Hanji promised me that it wasn’t one of those revealing sexy types. She said it bent more towards the ‘cute’ side, with ears and a fluffy tail.

I don’t know about the ears but I’m cutting off the tail once that thing gets here. I don’t need people wondering if a cloud was attached to my ass all night long. According to what Hanji said, Armin told Hanji that Eren likes people who acts cute in general. So currently, I am revising the habits of the ‘school cutie’ Krista. She sort of bounces her head around, smiles and makes a lot of weird noises. Not creepy ones like I do, but noises like ah’s and oh’s.

I tried practicing my smile. Tried.

The rest of the afternoon, I tried out different looks with myself. The only thing it did was to remind me why I should stick to my style. Then I talked with myself in front of the mirror, you know, for conversational purposes. It was actually really beneficial cause I found out that if I laugh too freely, my eyebrows raise up weirdly and I make noises like a pig. I also found out my eyes look cooler when I apply some eyeliner. At the end, I had everything planed out – how I’ll smile, what to talk about, how to approach Eren and pull off the ‘cute’ rabbit look like a boss.

Hell yeah, I’m the boss.

That night, I lathered my face with some herbal fluid mom made. She said my face will glow like a princess in the morning if I keep it on overnight. Ha, I’m a princess.  

I kind of looked like Shrek at the moment though so I Facetimed Hanji. As soon as she picked up, I yelled at the top of my voice, “GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!”

Hanji laughed tensely in return. I looked at the screen for a moment before retorting, “What? Don’t you get it? I have a green face.”

On the other screen, Hanji scratched her head nervously and croaked, “I get it! … hehe… Levi you’ll find this funny…. But umm…”

I stopped goofing around. Taking in a deep breath, I glared at the screen and prepared myself.

“You know that sexy cute bunny costume we ordered?”

“Yeah, the one I paid for. What about it?”

“Well, it came at 6 in the evening today and…”

“That’s great. I’ll pick it up in the morning.”

“Well, it’s not exactly sexy…or high school…ish.”

“What do you mean ‘not high scho-’ Oh my god.”

All the strength left my knees as I gazed upon the monstrosity that Hanji was holding up. I must not have done a great job at hiding my shock because Hanji started looking all worried and she tried to console me, “At least it’s cute. Right? Right?”

She was holding up a motherfucking bright pink rabbit jumpsuit. No, Hanji. It’s not cute.

  ~~oOo~~

 Hanji and I spent all morning trying to fix the costume. The measurements were too big and I looked like I was wearing an oversized onesie pyjama that I occasionally use as a sleeping bed. In other words, it looked absolutely horrifying.  

I bleached the whole suit and put it in the washer for like, 6 hours. Fortunately, the shocking bright pink colour faded to a soft whitish-pink hue which looked less in-your-face. Mom took care of the rest. But the costume proportions were so wrong she practically sewed the whole thing over.

However, I still had a onesie by the end of the day.

Distraught, I looked at the mirror in vain. My hands felt around the costume and I felt my heart sinking. One of the rabbit ears flopped over to the side while the other stayed upright. The hood fell to my shoulders and the fluffy cloth hung around my tiny frame.

Hanji quipped from the other room, “You look cute, okay? So, stop worrying.”

The party was in an hour. I sighed heavily, my hands patting the giant rabbit ears. I look like a freak. Only my whiskers were on point, drawn on by Hanji.

“Oh, and I’ve been meaning to ask you this since morning.”

I turned away from the mirror and looked at Hanji, “What?”

“Why is your face so damn smooth?”

<<First | <Previous | Next>

[mangled-dreams]

Reader goes on tour with Mark, Sean, Bob, Wade, Ethan and Tyler, and ends up taking a bullet in the stomach for Sean? How do they all react to reader being hospitalized, or reader dying in their arms?

I went out of order for this one because I didn’t want the idea I had in my head disappear. So without further waiting:

Killing Shot

You’ve been psyched up for the past three months in preparation for the tour and now that your actually on it, nothing else compares. Sean and Mark have done their own shows either solo or with friends and this time is no different. Improv, a few rehearsed sketches, singing, dancing—the show has it all! Not to mention you get to be apart of it!

“I’m so pumped!!” You hear Ethan cheer from across the stage. Right now everyone is getting ready with costume/wardrobe fittings. Hiding your smile behind your hand you turn to Mark again adjusting the sleeves some.

“How does that feel?” You ask stepping back from Mark to let him move freely.

He does a few of his favorite dance moves nodding his head. “It’s good. I’m glad you could come with us.” Mark says super happy to have your skill set and comedy talent on the tour.

Taking thread and needle you do a quick few stitches to secure your adjustments and remove the pins. “Glad to be of service.” You laugh then tell Mark to go change and give you the clothes when done. Sean walks over for his last minute fitting once Mark is gone. “Any areas that feel to loose or not loose enough?” You ask beaming at your handsome beau.

Sean indicates it feels a little loose on the inside seam of his pant on the right side and you concur. Taking your dress maker pins and a fabric pen you secure and dot where you need to sew together. You would normally use your needle and thread but it’s a sensitive area and quite a large spans of fabric you’d have to thread. Standing you ask Sean to move and bend his legs. “Are you getting the pins? I’ll be taking in the fabric quite a bit but is that comfortable?”

Sean does as you ask giving thumbs up in approval. You nod and remove the pins from his pants. “Can we take in the jacket too?” Sean asks looking down at you. He likes this angle.

“Focus on the important things Sean.” Your grouse playfully.

“Oh believe me, I am.” He teases back liking the flush of heat to your face. Standing again you look at the jacket and agree again it does need to come in some.

“Shit! Y/n, wardrobe SOS!” Ethan calls from the other side. Twisting you see Wade and Bob have crashed and Wade’s coat is missing a sleeve.

Gasping you rush over with Sean. “Are you okay?” You ask Wade. He’s on his feet again and looking quite embarrassed but tells you he’s okay.

“Bob?”

“I’m good. We were trying something new for the show tonight but, it didn’t work.” Wade replies rubbing his back and head. You sigh and look at their costumes. You don’t see anything to terrible to fix, but most importantly there’s no blood anywhere.

“Can you salvage the coat?” Wade asks holding up the sleeve now complete detached from the rest of the coat. You take it and look at the seam. It appears okay and simple enough to fix.

“Yeah, I should be able to make it good as new.” You say confident in the fix. “Bob any damage to report?” You ask looking Bob over again.

Spinning Bob tells you no and you feel a small amount of relief. Taking Wade’s jacket you tell everyone to take it easy and go back to adjusting Sean’s jacket. Sean gives you words of encouragement to which you are regateful for, but it’s more than just the costumes that have you stressed; Sean insisted that you accompany them on stage tonight. You’ve helped with props and other little things while the show is going on, but being a star in it frightens you.

In your sewing room once everything is done and you’ve collected the costumes you set to work sewing. You feel euphoria when you sew. Its your life’s purpose and it’s so fulfilling to you. You’ve made so many costumes for yourself and others I’ve the years you can just abou eye ball a person and know their measurements.

Of course that’s how you met the gang. You’d been cosplaying at a convention when you been stopped by Mark and Bob. They really liked all your detail and craftsmanship. You’d managed to get them o take your card and basically the rest is history. You’d made the costumes for a lot of Mark’s Darkiplier and Wilford videos, a few personal costumes for both Wade and Ethan. It was during a shoot for a Darkiplier vid that you met Sean and there’s been instant chemistry.

Looking back on all you’ve done it feel amazing and surreal, as if all a dream. Today will be the third city and ninth show. You're nearly two months into the six month tour and you've been apart eight show so far as a backstage hand, now you'll have at least one show under your belt as being a participant.

“Hey, how's going in here?” Tyler asks coming to check on your slave shop. Taking your foot of the petal of your sewing machine you look up with a smile.

“Doing fine. How's practice going?” You ask clipping the small bit of threat still attached to the machine and shake out the coat.

“It's going well. Sean asked me to check on you.” He says twisting a free standing chair around and sits down facing you, his arms and chin resting on the back of the chair. “Is that Wade's?”

Nodding you show it to Tyler. “I didn't loose any length of the arm, which is a blessing.” Tyler nods quite impressed at your skill despite his lack of facial reaction. You know Tyler well enough to pick up on his micro facial features. “I have just about everyone's costumes ready for the show,”

“Including yours?” Tyler asks quickly. You look away from him with a little bit of guilt. “That's what we thought. You can tell us you don't want to do this.” Tyler tells you meaning it. You already know he's right, but you don't want to let Sean or anyone else down.

“I promised you guys I'd try more new things.”

“Within your comfort zone.” Tyler shots back instantly. “We don't want you to feel forced into this. It's supposed to be fun for everyone.” He adds his features softening.

“I know, Tyler, but I—I want to try this.” You say folding Wade's jacket, setting it down before taking up your outfit and look it over. It's already tailored for you, it'd been the prototype so it looks a little different from the rest, but each outfit reflect the wearer.

Tyler watches you for a few minutes then ask you, “How much do you like Sean?”

“Is this a trick question?” You ask. It's very well known how much you “like” Sean. It's been known since before you met him face to face. “It's pretty well known my feeling about him, I am dating him. I don't see a point in a closed partnership if there isn't at least some kind of romantic feeling.” You explain fixing a patch on the shoulder of your jacket.

“No trick. You've been dating what? Four years now?”

“Ugh, you're starting to sound like my mother.” You groan rolling your eyes at Tyler. “She's always asking, “When are you and Sean going to get married? I won't be young forever.” It gets real old real fast.” You mimic your mother tone to the best of your ability.

“Don't you want to get married?” Tyler asks a little shocked at your response.

You shrug. “Sure, eventually. Sean's at the peak of his career. He's happy with the way things are. If he wants more than what we have now I'll take that path with him. There are people expecting us to tie the knot, but I don't want him to feel tied down.” You explain calmly. You've seen how badly relationships can end if two people rush into marriage, especially with celebrities.

“Do you think he'd cheat on you?” Tyler asks getting the hidden meaning behind your words.

Do you? Yes, part of you always worries that your partner—despite who they are will cheat. It's common culture now to have at least one or two relationships end in unfaithfulness. “Yes, but I'd rather avoid that heartache if it's in the cards. If I'm no longer what he wants, even if he's what I want, I'd rather part on good terms than in a ball of flame and hatred. I love this life I have, with and without him. I don't want to feel like regret when thinking upon these days.”

You miss the former green hair Irishman standing just on the other side of the door. He'd come down to check on you when Tyler didn't come back to the stage to finish up. He'd heard Tyler ask about marriage and curiosity got the better of him. It hurts that you expect him to be tempted into cheating, but the more he listens he understands you're being logical about it.

"What about kids and stuff?"

"Animals are good for now. I mean look at us right now.  We're on tour for six months visiting at over twenty cities, what about this says kid friendly?" You laugh smiling cheerfully at Tyler. "Kids would be nice, but I've imagined using whatever wealth I accumulate to take in older kids in the foster system." You add winking. You'd imagined growing old with a wall filled with kids you helped get to a better place.

Tyler smiles at you. He likes the idea of that. "That's a good plan." He tells you quite proud of your plans.

Sean smile to himself. He knew he found the perfect person for him when he met you. Turning Sean heads back up the stairs. He's can see you're doing just fine and having a nice conversation with Tyler. Hearing you talk so candidly with Tyler solidified his purpose for asking you to join him on stage tonight.

"AND NOW! WELCOME THE STARS OF TONIGHT'S SHOW!! MARK, SEAN, WADE, ETHAN, BOB, TYLER, AND INTRODUCING A SPECIAL GUEST Y/N!!" The house announcer shouts the crowd already on their feet cheering.

One by one everyone, you included, run on stage waving, blowing kisses, and cheering along with the crowd. You can't see much in ways of facial features past the first few rows, but it doesn't quell the nausea you feel.

Sean and Mark dance around separately while Ethan and Tyler do a hoedown kind of dance. Wade and Bob slap their thighs in time with Ethan and Tyler's dancing. You laugh watching the spectacle before you.

Sean spots you by yourself and rushes over to you lifting you into his arms and swings you around, carrying you over to rest of the group. Laughter erupts from the crowd at the scene and a few minutes later everyone settles down and the guys take their turns talking to the crowd, thanking everyone for coming out to see them stand on stage and have fun.

As the hour mark slowly comes to pass you find you've taken to the improve and sketches with ease. It'd been fun and in the end Mark won the little contest they do at each show. So far the score is Mark with three wins, Sean with three, Tyler one, Ethan with one, Wade with one, and Bob with none; but with all the shows still to go, it's anyone's game.

"Now! We're going to take some questions before the end of the show and share some of the gifts we've gotten at the beginning of the show." Ethan says smiling. The couches had been rolled out during the last sketch battle and everyone takes a seat. You perch on the arm rest next to Mark since Sean is in the middle.

Two lines of ten are made and one by one each fan gets to ask a question of the guys. And to your surprise you get a few questions of your won. Sitting up straight you give the young girl you're pretty sure you've meet before your full attention.

"I've been watching your channel for two years now, and I just wanted to know when did you know that costume designing was what you wanted to do? And follow up, how would you suggest someone interested in sewing start out?" She asks in a shy tone you can't help but coo at.

"Well, I was about your age I guess. I used to watch shows like BDZ and Sailor Moon and I really liked their costumes but no one would ever have the designs I wanted in the stores and the places that did would have very poor quality. My grandma used to sew me clothes as a kid and I asked her for help. We'd go to the fabric shop and she'd help me mix and match patterns to get the right design." You tell her smiling. "I've been working on my craft since then as for beginning, start slow. Buy a stuffed animal building kit, start with doll clothing then move up from there. I'm sure if you look around you'll be able to find a club or group of avid seamstresses that would be glad to teach you unique tips and tricks of the trade." You add encouraging the young girl as best as you can. "My e-mail is always active and I'm usually able to respond in a few days."

The girl smiles big, thanks you, and walks back to her seat where you see the adult with her smile just as big. The next person steps up and asks Sean a question about Chase and Henrik's next appearance on the channel.

You have to hide your smile at the amount of trolling Sean does before answering the question. The whole group is laughing and cheering by the ends of the question.

"Admit it, you're having fun." Mark says lowering his microphone to talk to you privately. Glancing down at Mark you nudge him a little smiling back.

"Before me move on to the next person!" Sean says shooting the next fan an apologetic glance. "I need to ask a question of my own."

Confused you have to look to the others for help when Sean walks before you and kneels. "Sean, what are you doing?" You ask red faced as the scene before you becomes crystal clear. "No. Sean y--you can't..."

Sean smiles at you. One of the camera operators rounds to get a shot of Sean's face at this moment. "Yes, I am. Y/n, I've been wanting to ask for a while, but will you make me happy and marry me?"

Behind him the crowd goes completely insane at his question before it goes dead quiet waiting for you to respond to his question.

"A-are you sure?" Sean nods his head. Teary eyed you nod your head saying, "Yes Sean, I'll marry you!" The world exposes around you, literally as small fireworks are set off. Sean slips the ring on your finger and quickly gathers you in his arms. You share a long passionate kiss before parting. Sean smiles for the crowd holding up your hand.

"I'm enraged!" He cheers. The rest of the group stands up, hugging and congratulating you both on your commitment to each other. Mark moves to let you sit next to Sean, keeping your hands locked together.

You can't contain your happiness as the ask section comes to a close as does the show. Standing up with the others you join in the closing thank you and give a long bow. Sparks of light rain behind you in a controlled display. Waving goodbye you notice something a little out of the ordinary.

Despite everyone jumping and cheering, clapping their hands, and whistling a single figure a few rows away from the stage stands still. It feels different. You don't know what it is about the person standing eerily quiet in the crowd of cheering people.

Keeping an eye on the man in the crowd you walk over to Sean. Being close to him gives you some amount of comfort but it doesn’t last. Glancing at the man in the crowd you notice his eyes are trained on Sean beside you.

Tugging on Sean’s jacket you say, “Sean you need to get off stage.”

“What?” Sean follows your gaze to the man eye wide as a gun is pulled from the man’s pocket. All it takes is a split second to react. Using all your power you knock Sean out of the gunman’s line of fire.

You don’t feel the bullet pierce your stomach, no, it’s the impact of falling back that elicited your cry. People are screaming as bodies scatter, running to get away from the gun fire. Only when you twist to crawl away do you feel the pain and sticky red liquid spilling from you.

Pausing you look at your now wet red colored shirt. Sean screams scurrying to your side. This doesn’t make sense but it hurts. It hurts so much.

“No. No, no, no!” Sean looks from your abdomen to your face watching the color drain. “Y/n, can you hear me?” Sean asks turning you to face his chest.

“Sean... it hurts.” You whine grabbing his shirt as your strength slowly fades.

“I know, I know. They’re coming. We got people coming to help.” Sean says pressing his hand tightly again your stomach. Mark and the others rush over with towels.

“Hold on, they’re almost here.” Mark pleases hating how weak you look. None of them are willing to believe you’ll die here in their collective arms.

Your vision is coming and going as your eyelids droop down. You need to stay away but the pain, the loss of blood, the tiredness you feel it's all so overwhelming and you can't fight. You don't know how much time has passed but it feels like hours, days laying in Sean's arms. Your heart breaks at the sound of his sobbing pleads to stay alive, to stay with him, to not go wards the light you can't even see.

Burying his face in your neck Sean clutches you to his chest. He's a broken man and the only mend is for you to survive. But as the minutes tick by his words of reassurance turn to prays for mercy. Mark closes his eyes, turning his head away as he cries. Ethan turns to Tyler unable to watch you die.

"Please, don't leave me." Sean pleads.

With your last bit of strength--your last breath you force your eyes open, try to smile, and manage to say, "I love you."

Breathe.

[hexusproductions]

Visit To Arkham

Title: Visit To Arkham Summary: Fey Morgan needs information from Arkham. The only problem is getting to it. Author’s Note: Set in the Codot-verse, with a CV version of Sorceress. Few things to remember: She hasn’t donned a costume or chosen a name yet, and she’s still finding as much information on as many people as she can (Think Enigma in Arkham Origins). She works in the GCPD’s files and archives, which is how she got access to half the stuff she already knows.

How would a distressed loved one walk? Concerned, a little quick, glancing around every so often but mainly staying focused ahead. There, that works.

Morgan moved quickly down the halls of Arkham Asylum, the little act she was putting up helping to hide her constant search for guards.

Honestly, she didn’t like going near Arkham. It was full of people that were deluded enough to try to kill her, and the less people that saw her face was better long-term. The aim was to get in and get out as fast as possible. Hopefully the map that the GCPD had on file was still up to date.

Morgan went down a different corridor to avoid a patrolling guard.

The archives had to be around here somewhere…

Morgan kept going, and she had to stop herself cursing when she realised she was going past the more ‘interesting’ cells. Aka, most of Gotham’s costume-wearing breed of criminal. Honestly, what idiot thought it was a good idea to keep them together?

“What? Who are you?”

Morgan smirked and held a finger to her lips before walking right past the cells, acting nervous again to seem like a poor, innocent young woman.

This was far too easy. They really should-

“Uh, Miss? You’re not meant to be down here.”

Shit.

Morgan stopped and turned around, flashing a small timid smile to the guard.

“Sorry,” She apologised, fiddling with her hands, before showing the visitor badge attached to her chest, “I’m visiting my brother, Daniel. The doctor’s say that he can’t come out of his cell today, but I usually visit because it makes him feel better.”

“I’m not sure if-“

“Mr Arkham- Sorry, Dr Arkham,” She giggled nervously and brushed her hair back, “I’m such a mess today, we haven’t been the same since Daniel was taken. Dr Arkham said it was okay, just this once.” She gave him a hopeful look and knew that she had made a good choice mentioning his boss. The guard looked her up and down, then nodded slowly.

“Alright. But don’t take long.” He walked back to his post, and Morgan bit back her grin until she was far enough away from him.

Ha! It worked!

She mentally patted herself on the back for hiding her accent well enough. It was difficult and she’d only just started learning how to, but ta-da! Morgan continued to smile as she came closer and closer to her destination. Just up ahead, turn right, second door on the left.

Morgan moved faster, nervous walk affected only by a want to turn back into her usual confident stride. She could practically smell those tapes…

“Excuse me.”

Morgan stopped again, turned, and quickly hid her body tensing.

Jonathan Crane.

Mother of fuck.

“Visitors aren’t allowed in this section of Arkham, miss.”

Dear lord the man was a tower. Her brain revved frantically as everything she had learned about Dr Jonathan Crane flashed through it. Psychologist, born in Georgia, a skilled chemist that had created a toxin that induces fear. Possibly experimenting with said toxin here at Arkham.

And here he was, standing in front of her. Morgan blinked before holding up her visitor badge.

“I’m visiting my brother. He’s meant to be somewhere around here, but he’s been misbehaving so he’s not allowed out of his cell to come to the visiting area. I explained all of this with a guard just before, sir, you can check with him if you need to.”

Good, but talk a little slower. You’re concerned about your brother, not confronting a serial killer.

Well, technically not…

Crane regarded her carefully, and Morgan gave a friendly but uncomfortable smile. He just had to think she was just as nervous about being back here.

“Well I’m sorry but visitors still aren’t allowed. It’s much too dangerous.”

Really? She never would have guessed.

Morgan reminded herself not to glance towards the door that led to the archives. It was right there…

“Please, I have to see him.” Morgan pleaded, going to touch his arm, “He’s my only family.” Jonathan stepped out of her touch, a little tensely, and Morgan mentally smiled. He looked at her again, and Morgan waited for him to speak.

“Does your brother have a name, Miss…?”

“Carla. Carla Greene.” She smiled widely, “My brother is Daniel Greene.” Jonathan nodded in confirmation that he remembered, but then he stopped, and Morgan barely caught the slight frown.

“If I remember correctly, Daniel Greene doesn’t have any immediate family.”

“Mom and Pop sent us away to our grandma’s when they found out Daniel had problems. Grandma, well, she…she died when we were teens.” Guilt, always the way to go. Not that she could tell what he was thinking. Hell, his eyes looked like they were trying to pick her brain apart.

Ha! Good luck. She hadn’t let anyone see in there in years.

“If you’ll allow me to ask, Miss Greene-“

“Oh please, call me Carla.” She laughed, waving it away.

“Carla,” Crane corrected, “could you tell me about your brother? So I can make any other changes to his file, you understand.”

“Of course.” Morgan didn’t skip a beat, “Daniel just turned thirty-four last June, he’s six feet tall, and he’s had schizophrenia since he was ten. He was sent here after the voices in his head told him to start a fire in a furniture store.” Morgan didn’t smile because she knew how smug it would look if she did. She wasn’t a newbie, she always did her research.

Crane looked at Morgan, and stopped trying to analyse her. Like something had clicked.

“And where were you, Carla, when Daniel had his episode?”

“At home, worrying about him.” Morgan answered, and frowned a genuine frown, “Why?”

“Because to be honest, Carla, I’m having trouble believing you.” Crane answered simply. Morgan looked shocked, and a little offended.

“Excuse me?”

“Daniel never had any siblings.” He continued, stepping forward with a scowl, “He told me himself that when he was young he felt completely alone, which is why he trusts the voices he hears so completely.”

“No.” Morgan stopped herself from stepping back, because she had to stand her ground despite how close he was getting, “I visit all the time, Daniel loves seeing me. Ever since grandma-“

“Ever since your grandmother was killed, you say. Carla, how did she die?”

“It was old age. Dr Crane, please, I don’t like talking about her. I miss her, we both miss her.” Morgan told him, continuing to act offended. She wasn’t comfortable with all the quizzing. He was onto her.

“Carla, I still don’t believe you.” Crane’s expression hardened and he stood over her again, “So why don’t you run along back to whoever you’re working for, and if you really are tellin’ the truth, then come back to the right place to visit your brother.” Morgan stared for a moment, glanced behind him to the door, and then took a step back. If she left now, she’d never get in again.

Morgan straightened and her uncomfortable grimace faded to a frown.

“I ain’t workin’ for anyone.” Her accent slipped through, whoops, “Our parents disowned us and our grandmother is gone and Daniel’s the only one I have left. I want to see him.”

“You don’t seem so nervous anymore Carla. It’s a miracle.”

“Move your ass, Dr Crane.” Morgan ordered. Neither one of them moved, glaring at each other.

“What are you really here for, Carla?” Crane asked bluntly.

Calm, Morgan. Whatever you do, stay calm.

“I keep telling you that I want to see Daniel!” She stood toe-to-toe with him to try and redirect her anger back into the ‘distressed sister’ routine, raising her voice slightly. Crane still didn’t look like he believed her, but he held his hands up slowly.

“Well alright then. But you still have to go to the visiting area to see him.” Crane went to turn her around, and without thinking Morgan slapped his arm away. Crane hissed and looked at his arm in confusion, and Morgan stopped. She hid her hands behind her back, feeling the warmth bubbling up.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, come on not now!

“What did you do?” Crane questioned sharply, and Morgan didn’t answer. She was too busy focusing on getting back under control, willing away the heat in her veins.

“Don’t touch me.” She said quickly, “I’m sorry but I just don’t do physical contact.” His eyes narrowed slightly before he straightened, expression returning to normal, and he gestured.

“Miss Greene, I won’t tell you again. You need to leave, before I am forced to call security.”

Morgan’s lip curled, glancing towards the door again.

She could make it, she could kick his ass and get out before anyone could sound the alarm.

Morgan looked at Crane.

She knew enough about him to know that she probably wouldn’t survive the consequences of beating him up.

“Fine.” Morgan snapped, and as she turned she added, “No one in this place has sympathy for a separated family.” She stomped back the way she had come, fists clenched tightly at her sides.

This fucking close.

Morgan sneered again.

Fine! If he couldn’t mind his own damn business, she’d have to go with the faster route.

Tonight, she’d come back to Arkham, and she’d sure as hell get what she wanted.

[mypralaya]

I’m talking to a Lorna Dane/Polaris player right now about the canon background between her and Haven, and uh it ended up really long so I thought I’d post it here instead of just deleting it after. In case I ever need it again.   Okay, so it’s the early 90s. Lorna is working for the government as part of X-Factor. Despite this, another branch of the government attacked her and tried to capture/kill her. This when Haven first appeared, and when they first met---Haven teleported Lorna away from danger and into her own personal pocket dimension, where she introduced herself. Polaris believed that Haven was the one who sent the agents, and threatens to tear her apart. Haven keeps telling her that it wasn’t her, and Lorna yells “I don’t want to hear anymore lies!” Haven reponds by outstretching her arms, “I have no lies to speak. You were in danger. I retrieved you and brought you here. If that explanation doesn’t satisfy you then–do what you must. I won’t resist. The choice is yours. Which will it be? Fear, suspicion, and violence–or the  hand of trust?”

Lorna says “Let’s give trust a shot” and takes Haven’s hand. Haven shows her around her weird dimension, with swirling colored smoke and strange religious statues. Lorna questions why she saved her, asking what’s her game, and Haven says her suspicion isn’t surprising given “the years of manipulation and violation you have known. Mesmero, Malice, and the rest...used and abused you, treated you like something less than human.” As Lorna notes, Haven has clearly studied up on her, and asks why. “A new humanity is being born, Lorna. A humanity unforeseen by Xavier and Magnus both. Each of them so locked into his limited perception of reality, so attached to their way of seeing, that they’ve failed to grasp the truth.“ Lorna angrily assumes “Xavier? Is that what this is about? Using me to get at Charles?!” to which Haven responds “Charles Xavier has nothing to fear from me. I know his purity of heart. I know the power of his dream.” Haven then teleports Lorna back to the real world. She wonders if what just happened was even real, but then she finds at her feet, a copy of Haven’s book: Man, Mutant, and the New Humanity. X-Factor shows up at a lecture Haven is giving, where she talks about her beliefs that a new humanity is evolving, and that there is going to be a golden age in the future, something better, but right now, all we see is suffering and we look for someone to blame. She starts to speak out against anti-mutant bigotry...and that’s when Havok fires a plasma blast at her, frying to podium, and yells that she’s under arrest. I’m fucking serious. He commands X-Factor to take her into custody, Lorna very understandably asks “What the devil do you think you’re doing?!” WHICH I AM ALSO ASKING Havok is surprised, because he says he didn’t think Lorna (who was sent an invitation there by Xavier) was going to be here. Havok: “When I called the Brownstone, they said you were--” Lorna: “---fending off armored goons who were trying to kill me?!” Havok: “What are you talking about?” Lorna: “Look, I don’t know what you and Forge are up to--or what misinformation about Haven you’ve fed by our friends at the Pentagon--but she saved my life and I can’t just let you!” Havok: “Let me? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in command of this team! If there’s a problem, I’d be happy to discuss it with you---later! But right now...X-Factor, you’ve got your orders---so MOVE!” And X-Factor charges Haven, WHO IS JUST STANDING THERE NOT DOING ANYTHING OR EVEN MAKING THREATS, while Lorna yells “Don’t do it---PLEASE!” ...it’s pretty messed up, tbh X-Factor never reaches Haven though because Lorna jumps between them with her magnetic energy just going all around her big-time. Havok tells her he’s been in briefings about Haven for days now, that she’s an international terrorist, a murderer multiple times over. Lorna counters that this “information” comes from the same government department that’s been trying to kill her. Havok: “Look--we don’t have time for this now! If there’s been a mistake, if she’s innocent, we’ll let a court of law decide. But, for now–” Polaris: “Guilty until proven innocent?” Havok shoves Lorna aside and runs at Have, his fists charged with plasma energy.  He’s clearly going to fire on Haven. Haven has not done anything. She’s just standing there. She isn’t using her own abilities, she’s clearly unarmed, she hasn’t even SAID anything…and she doesn’t have any powers that are going to make her any less harmed by Havok’s plasma-blast abilities than a normal human. Once more, Lorna intervenes on Haven’s behalf, throwing Havok aside with her powers. In retaliation, Wolfsbane attacks Lorna, only to be held back by Strong Guy, while one of Jamie’s dupes sides with Lorna. The entire team has now devolved into fighting each other, and Haven, the alleged villain, hasn’t done a thing. She hasn’t even spoken. Until now. “ Enough! It is not my intention to set you against each other To see this devolve into mindless violence. I wanted us to meet as allies…friends. And we will, I’m sure…at another time. In another place. But for now, I must–” That’s when Forge sneaks up behind her with a gun and tells her to surrender. However, Haven still does not retaliate, instead transforming into the golden costume she met Lorna in, and teleporting away. Cut to the Pentagon where Forge and Havok share what they've been told about Haven. That she's a lifelong charity worker who has founded several philanthropic organizations, lectured around the world on spiritual subjects, and attracted many devoted followers. In recent years, she's shifted her focus on the issue of mutants, claiming man and mutant aren't separate species, but part of the same human race, and the mutations we're seeing now are just the first step in a mass evolution towards something wholly new, different, and better. Which, hey, that sounds scientifically correct to me! According to them (and alas, they do turn out to be correct) Haven also believes that a Golden Age of peace is coming where suffering will be no more...but only after the Mahapralya, which is sort of like the Hindu Apocalypse except things start anew after it. And she has a cult of terrorists that, in order to bring about the Mahapralaya, cause “global chaos on a scale we've never seen before” by inciting riots, revolts, and war in “an alarming number of countries” as well as causing natural distasters and weather phenomena to create floods, earthquakes, famines, and plagues to purify the world. Lorna sarcastically dismisses this with “I'll bet she assassinated JFK...kidnapped Judge Crater...and sank the Luisitania for good measure!” Havok: Honey, I know Haven saved your life, but… Polaris: It’s not just that, Alex. I…felt something from her. A depth of soul, a…quality of being that can’t be faked. Who am I supposed to trust—the government that thinks I’m expendable, or the woman who saved me from them? Lorna agrees to look at Forge’s data about Haven, and she goes with the rest of X-Factor to Haven’s base in Northern California to investigate her for themselves. Once there, they meet Monsoon, Haven’s mutant brother who has weather-controlling powers like Storm, haven herself who welcomes them, and surprisingly, Valerie Cooper, the CIA agent in charge of managing X-Factor, who claims to have joined Haven (actually, she’s double-crossing her) Also Random, a big 90s cliche mercenary, comes with them, and he gets in a fight with Monsoon and Haven’s forces, and Haven is the one who stops it. Such villainy! Haven is happy to have them there, and tells them her beliefs...and admits that the charges brought against her are absolutely true, that this mass destruction and suffering must be wrought now in order to end all suffering forever. She asks X-Factor to join her. Valerie Cooper still claims to believe in Haven's cause, and at this, Havok becomes enraged, causing Wolfsbane to attack Val. However, she is stopped by Haven, who simply picks her up and heals her of the Genoshan bonding process. See, Wolfsbane was made a slave on Genosha, and an amnesiac Havok somehow became one of the Genoshan Magistrates. In addition to the standard brainwashing undergone by slaves, Rahne was mentally bonded to him so that she no longer had true thoughts, feelings, and desires of her own, she only wanted to please him and had to obey him. The effect was lesser if she was in wolf or hybrid form, hence why she was constantly furry during this time, but his emotions and wants still influenced her, hence why she attacked Valerie when he was angry, why she was hatefully jealous of Lorna while still wanting to protect her to make Havok happy, etc. No one else had realized this, they just thought she had a teenaged crush on Havok and was acting weird because of hormones, but Haven saw there was something wrong with her. “Poor child. You're so much like this troubled earth of ours. Tortured, sick, and in desperate need of healing.” Rahne, naturally, is overjoyed to be her own person again, not only to be able to resume human form but to have her own mind and soul be completely her own once more. Despite Lorna surely being shocked by Haven's admission of guilt, she looks really happy for Rahne. Haven doesn't ask anything from Rahne for this, saying her joy is thanks enough, but Rahne chooses to join Haven on the spot. Haven continues to show X-Factor her base and attempts to win them over to her side---peacefully, simply using words. But X-Factor won't have any of it. Even Lorna finally erupts: “Haven...I wanted to believe you---I really did. Even when I read Forge's files, I couldn't accept it! I kept hoping that I felt when we first met was real, that you were someone who could join us in our battle! Who could use your influence among men and mutants to help make our dream a reality! But you’re as deluded…as sick and twisted…as Magneto or Sinister or Apocalypse!” X-Factor moves to attack Haven, but Haven uses her powers, at last, to stop them. However, she still does not hurt them, instead imprisoning them in her pocket dimension, where she...talks to compassionately them about their problems and offers her help. She was really bad at this whole villain thing. I mean, she doesn't threaten to use this knowledge against them in the future if they oppose her, but she never makes good on it. She never even hurts them at all. She brings them back to the real world and in a real cell, so they can't stop her but she's not harming them either. Monsoon lets them out, revealing he's been working with Valerie against his own sister, despite how much he loves and idolizes her. A huge fight between Haven's forces and X-Factor breaks out, but the fight is stopped by Haven. Not by attacking them, but...by her telling her cult to lay down their arms because she wants to heal Multiple Madrox, who is dying on the spot of the Legacy Virus. Before he lost consciousness, he begged for Haven's help, having seen how she healed Rahne, but she needs Havok's consent to use her powers on him, since he can no longer consent to that himself and she doesn't dare wait or he might die. And indeed, he does. Haven tries to use her abilities to heal him, but she fails. Havok and Strong Guy blame her for his death, calling her a murderer, and Haven, distraught, flees into the night in tears. That's the last time X-Factor and Lorna see her. In her subsequent two issues, it's revealed the reason for such a compassionate, gentle person espousing such beliefs and commanding a violent cult is a pretty simple one: demonic possession. Twenty years ago, Haven became pregnant with a powerful mutant, which was then taken possession of by The Adversary, an extremely powerful demon in the Marvel universe. It accessed the powers of this fetus through Haven, letting her use them to do pretty much ANYTHING she wanted within her pocket dimension (including wiping people out of existence if she wanted, but she mostly just used it for teleportation and healing, not hurting anybody) Unfortunately, it also influenced her mind, pretended to be a divine presence, fed her these visions, and stalled its development for twenty years so she was eternally in her first trimester and eternally stuck with this thing in her head...until finally, it was ready to be reborn into the mortal plane, and it killed her in doing so. I thought Haven really got a raw deal. She was a kind person, even while possessed by an entity of cosmic evil, and whatever she might have told her cult to do, I notice she never actually hurt anyone. In normal circumstances, I would say she's a hypocrite who can't stomach practicing what she preaches, but since she was posessed, I think it's that The Adversary couldn't, for all its power, make someone like her do things like that, so it had to make her do it through other people. She didn't deserve to die alone in the mud. So, I write her as having survived the birth of the Adversary, and now being free from its control and going back to her normal life. But if given the opportunity, I think she'd like to reconnect with X-Factor and at least offer an explanation and an apology for her actions. And since she and Lorna especially connected, well, yeah. Also, how cool was Lorna during all this? She defended Haven against accusations when it was indeed logical to do so, and even threatened her own teammates with her abilities when they were sent to arrest her, because she didn’t want to put what she believed to be an innocent mutant woman in the hands of the US Government, especially after what said government had just tried to do to her. And she made some REALLY good points about it…which pisses me off, because she was of course proven wrong, and it’s like, hey writers, what are you trying to say with that huh?! Seriously man.

[arthurpendragons]

A model performer | Writer, director, actor and even cinematographer, Eoin Macken has proved he’s more than just a pretty face

THE FIRST time we see Eoin Macken in the new Resident Evil film, Milla Jovovich has him in a headlock. The Bray native might be the closest Ireland has to a renaissance man — given his dalliances with writing, acting, directing, modelling and cinematography — but when crushed between the biceps of a former supermodel who is versed in Brazilian jiujitsu, he looks surprisingly useless. Macken proceeds to fight zombie dogs, repel armies of undead with a nail gun and risk amputation from giant turbines.

In Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, a conclusion to the action horror franchise, he plays Doc, the leader of a group of rebels attempting to survive the apocalypse. The film is solid action from start to finish. In the most emotionally revealing sequence involving Macken and Jovovich, the pair converse while running.

“Milla had a baby about six months before we started filming,” says Macken, 33. “She was doing all these action sequences. I don’t know how she did it. I was knackered after 12 hours. She was doing 18 hours [a day], including training. She’s hardcore.”

Arriving at a bar on Dublin’s Leeson Street, the actor has more important things on his mind than zombie armageddon: he left a woollen hat on the Dart and is mourning its loss. Then he receives a call from his mother; at the same time I receive a text message from mine. “What a pair of mummy’s boys,” he snorts. No wonder Jovovich could have had him for breakfast.

Despite the gruelling workout, he insists the film was a breeze. Jovovich and Paul WS Anderson, the director, are married and have made six Resident Evil films together since 2002, so it’s a family affair. “Because they’ve been doing it for 15 years, they never get stressed. It’s a $70m movie; we’re in South Africa — Johannesburg and Cape Town — in these mad, wrecked locations; but it was very easy.”

When we meet, Macken is just back from the movie’s Japanese premiere, which was almost as unhinged as the film. Capcom, the Japanese videogame company behind Resident Evil, laid on a red carpet, and fans turned up dressed as zombies. His mother accompanied him and they visited robot restaurants, temples and sumo wrestling bouts. He wanted to see the Aokigahara woods, the setting for The Forest, a recent horror film in which he acted, but requests for directions were lost in translation. Locals thought he was looking for the electronics district Akihabara, he explains with a sigh.

Over the past few years he has worked in Tunisia, Morocco, Serbia, Canada, France, Spain and Mexico. He has lived in Los Angeles and spent a lot of time in Albuquerque, where he shoots The Night Shift, a series for NBC. Macken plays a doctor, TC Callahan, following in a long tradition of medical screen hunks.

As you can see from an early publicity photograph in which Macken sits astride a motorbike in a hospital lobby, while badly Photoshopped characters run in all directions, the show does not take itself too seriously. It’s more M*A*S*H than ER.

“I knew you were going to bring that [photo] up,” he says. “We all had a laugh about that. Why am I on a motorbike in the studio? No one knew. The show isn’t quite as cheesy as that. The Night Shift has a mixture of comedy and drama. It’s not as dark as a lot of medical shows. There’s a warmth, even a cheekiness, to it.”

Although his mother works as a nurse, Macken insists that he would not be any good in a medical emergency. “Hopefully that won’t happen. We did a week of medical stuff before we started the show, and we do a few days’ top-up before each season.”

The show premiered in 2014 and has been a hit with audiences. It was recently commissioned for a fourth series, making its leading man a hot property. When in Japan, he met the voiceover artist who dubs him for the local version. “He also does the voices for Frozen, Tangled and Tom Cruise,” Macken marvels.

He never wanted to restrict himself to a single line of duty. While studying psychology at University College Dublin, he moonlighted as a model and an actor. But he suffered the same prejudices that Jamie Dornan faced at the start of his career: casting directors refused to take him seriously. “Because I did modelling, people would remark on it in a derogatory way. Casting people questioned why I wanted to act. In America, they don’t care. In Ireland, they did. It didn’t really bother me, though.”

In 2009, he teamed up with another male model to make a documentary, The Fashion of Modelling, which he sold to RTE. The concept may have teetered on Zoolander territory, but the screen credits revealed a production-oriented mind. Macken was credited as director of photography, director, editor, producer and writer. From his early days as an actor on Fair City, he strove to explore every facet of film-making.

“Modelling paid for my acting training, camera equipment, and ultimately allowed me to make my own films. I went to New York to model and spent four nights a week training. After finishing college, I studied cinematography for a year.”

In 2008 came his first outing as an auteur, when he wrote, directed, edited, acted in and worked as cinematographer on the film Christian Blake.

He piled a cast and crew of 10 into a Volkswagen camper van, which he used as a production base, and crafted a slipshod narrative out of action sequences. The results were amateurish, he admits, but the actor was eager to learn and unafraid to experiment.

He worked the cameras on Stalker, Mark O’Connor’s stunning yet underappreciated 2012 film starring John Connors as an unhinged vagrant. He also shot Charlie Casanova, a Terry McMahon opus that provoked an angry critical reception in 2011. “I’m even prouder of that film now,” says Macken. “A crew of six people made it. Terry made the film for about €1,000. Some people were scathing because it misses aspects from a $2m movie. It should be celebrated rather than denigrated.”

The actor considers his entire career a learning process. Working with independent Irish film-makers such as O’Connor and McMahon encouraged him to create experimental projects. The Inside (2012), for example, was a found-footage horror, shot in Dublin, which included a 20-minute unedited sequence in which the actors cut loose.

Leopard (2013) and The Green Rabbit & The Ice Cream Girl (2015) were inspired by his love of Wim Wenders and John Steinbeck. The latter was shot in Ireland, the former in the Mojave desert in southern California.

“The more I’ve lived away from home, the more I want to come back and make a film in a style influenced by America or European cinema in Ireland. Being away makes you look at Ireland in a different way,” he says.

In 2014, Macken made his debut as a novelist with Kingdom of Scars, a coming-of-age story. Hunter and the Grape, his second novel, about a road trip from Albuquerque to Los Angeles, is due for publication later this year.

Ultimately, he considers himself an actor “because that’s what pays the bills”. But his diverse talents inform his roles and on-set interactions. “Film-making is a collaboration: from acting to sound, costume to cinematography. Sometimes actors can be overly celebrated. There’s an inherent narcissism attached to the job. Understanding how it works behind the scenes is important. I suppose I’m an actor who likes to make things.”

The Night Shift is broadcast on RTE, but the show has more traction in the US, South America and Asia, so he longs to work more in Ireland. For his next project, he has adapted Here Are the Young Men, Rob Doyle’s novel about a debauched summer in Dublin at the height of the Celtic tiger.

Homesickness may have been inevitable, but seeing the world has informed his creative vision. One of his most formative experiences, Macken reveals, was travelling to Mozambique in 2014 to make a documentary about Sightsavers, which tackles avoidable blindness — he was overcome with western guilt. “It was humbling and made me appreciate friends, family, everything I have. It made me question my place in the world, what I’m supposed to do with my life.” He sighs. “I’m still figuring out what type of films I want to make, which is why I’ve tried so many different things.”

Macken is determined to reach creative enlightenment, one headlock at a time.

SOURCE

[thestylerandomguy]

Why does it feels like taking a break from a career sounds like a taboo or like it’s a miserable thing to happen to an individual? That a major setback in a career or while studying can be perceived as a failure with multitude of negative strings attached to it. We’d like to believe that each change should always meant to do things differently for a better outcome. However, in this double standard society that we need to outlive, people’s mindset has a tendency to get derailed and be entertained over someone’s obstacle to change rather than proactively understand and give support. Just like any career change, hitting the reset button can be both challenging and exciting. In my case, a career reset at just 33 years old was one of the best life decisions I’ve made so far.

  JOHARI’S WINDOW OF THE UNKNOWN

Resetting my career didn’t happen all of a sudden, the idea of it popped in my head for how many months before I finally had the courage to do it – I can tell something was not right then. I’m losing focus every day, I’m lacking motivation, I can’t remember my daily anthem, I’m doubting my capabilities I know that are my strengths – it was a dragging cycle, a weekend rest or getaway wasn’t enough to recover. This is completely not who I am when I started working ten years ago, I thought, heck even when I had struggles at work then, it wasn’t this complicated. I hoped to overcome it, however no matter how hard I focus I was struggling to concentrate, refocusing was even harder. I would close my eyes for a second and a number of voices at the back of my head would tell me to do this, to do that instead, everything seemed to be a constant conflict between what is important and what needs to be prioritized. Guess what? Decision-making was way tougher, I’ve became negligent. I kept on catching up to the things that I can do, thinking I’m supposed to be doing them for someone or answering to someone. I was not fine at all despite the smiles, the bonding with colleagues, and the time with friends. Every day I put on a mask to hide the scraps within. My self-motivation tattoo has lost its mojo.

With all that chaos inside my head, I thought I needed to do things that I love to keep myself sane, so over the next few months I pushed my creative standards and profoundly participated on a dance production (which included ramming my head on theme, choreography, audio mixing, and costume), a mentorship with a beauty pageant contestant (Q&A, branding, walk, confidence building, which are all new to me), then another dance production, and a superhero battle choreography and A/V technicality. All of them were within workplace and I had a great amount of help with the tasks, but the process and results weren’t enough, I was insatiable, the amount of fun doing it equaled the stress of making it good. I was fixated to a certain standard of how it should be done, let alone the outcome. Then it all back-fired, I became more agitated, more extreme, and neglected the responsibilities that I was supposed to be focusing on in the first place.

Looking back, the experience felt like those depressive episodes I had way back in college, though this time it wasn’t grim – I was more in control. This time it wasn’t really depression, at least not clinically, there was a key piece that was missing and somehow I’m glad I didn’t have a single moment to think about it. Then what was it? I wish I’ve understood, I wish I’ve sought more help, it was unknown to me, the struggle was unknown to anyone. Yes, the persons of interest and the ones in my inner circle have an idea about it, it is expected for me to be self-aware, share and sought out help, but no one really listened, friends don’t really get it – everyone was on the same boat, it was up to me how I deal with and overcome the stress or whatever it is. The moments weren’t dragging, but they were so heavy and such a struggle. I didn’t realize the toll that it had on me. A mental illness of some sort, must be a severe anxiety disorder but no, not depression.

  THINGS FELL INTO PLACE

It wasn’t long before I finally listened to what the universe was telling me, for how many months I tried to endure the brain-freeze, and I’m glad it wasn’t too late. Recognizing the signs is a skill that does not apply to everyone of course, some even laugh at the thought of it, but growing up I’ve been keenly observant to certain events around me or things that stand for something or has deeper meaning on a given perspective, kinda like interpreting dreams, part of a grand design of some sort.

So let’s see, an all-hell-breaks-loose trouble and back-firing at work, health concerns at home, the world seems crashing down at me and I’m a ticking time bomb standing at the edge of the earth, indeed there was no better time to be one at that point. And so my time came, just like at the stroke of midnight, it is like of perfect timing as if I’ve passed a final test, it is time for me to go. I didn’t have to ask, I didn’t have to beg or pray – I’m the one who had to say to myself to let go. Did I think I can still get up, give it another day and still try? Hell no. F*ck no. I already gave it one more sanity shot months ago, so no, not this time. Not today, not tomorrow, not any day.

Would you be deciding differently? Would you still be looking for a silver lining among the madness of fate? Or would it also be easy for you to fly? Yes, it wasn’t hard for me to decide and fly, I just had to keep the draft simple and send the two weeks’ notice. What’s left of my dignity and positive energy I’ve reserved it to endorse stuff and make right what I can with the allotted time, call it guilt, I call it regret. I can’t believe I have one, I’m used to accepting how life favors me and not regretting every decision I’ve made. I guess this one is still an exception, I’m yet to learn how to move on past this, else I wouldn’t have written this in the first place. Some were surprised that I’m leaving, some doesn’t need to know, a handful understood why I need to, and an associate of mine did a better job of thoughtfully asking questions and understanding why I had to leave – though I’ve already made the decision, I still appreciate the gesture. Notice the word better, as opposed to the people I thought I knew better how to package me in the first place. Still, it made the decision-making easier.

  I need to heal. I need rest. I need a f*cking good sleep. And there was no better time to snap out of the hellish situation I was in. There was no better time to think about myself and my well-being. There’s no other person in the world who would look after me, not my friends, and not my colleagues. It was a short goodbye, I didn’t get to endorse what I intend to as I was asked to leave earlier than expected. The sooner the better I guess, there were no parting words from my superiors and you’d be left wondering how someone is valued and what is a leader’s worth. So much for the pride and engagement I’ve driven all those time, huh?

So did I get to realize my shortcomings and reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and at the same time get to appreciate and focus on all the good stuff I’ve championed? Yup, I did and I’m thankful I had time to rest and think about a lot of things. The road to recovery is also an ongoing thing, and I’ll be sharing them on the Part Two of this Career Reset at 33.

Cheers!

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CAREER RESET AT 33 | Part One Why does it feels like taking a break from a career sounds like a taboo or like it’s a miserable thing to happen to an individual?