#but damn y'all win in that regard lol

[turgidscum]

unpopular opinion

the wide-spread knowledge of trans surgeries and the scars that result from them have made it insanely difficult for stealth trans people to live their lives without being reminded that they're trans/having to worry about covering their scars

[kailoraurelius]

Questions regarding Bechloe/Staubrey headcanons?:

What do you consider their love languages?

Who made the first move?

Who said "I love you" first?

Who hogs all the blankets and who wakes up in the middle of the night, shivering?

Who showers in Antarctica, who with the waters of hell?

Oooh I love these!! Okay lemme think 🤔

Bechloe: I think Chloe's main love language is physical touch. But she's a polyglot, baby! All 5 love languages are hers. She loves love in all its forms and shows it in every way she can.

Beca's main love language outward (meaning how she shows her love to others) is acts of service. She's not always great at saying what she really thinks and it takes her a while to get used to physical touch with someone. But I'll be damned if she didn't punch a guy for Jesse, stick her neck out for the Bellas by changing the set so they'd win, turn down Khaled because he wasn't taking her girls with her, and sneak onto a ship to save them. And when I write her, oh boy. Acts of service are happening everywhere and y'all can't even see them 😈

As for the love languages that Beca likes spoken to her, words of affirmation and (secretly) physical touch.

Staubrey: Stacie's physical touch. Period. She will accept quality time, if someone can keep up with her, and she likes receiving gifts. But physical touch, for sure.

Aubrey, however, is all words of affirmation, baby! Tell that girl you're proud of her and she'll tear up immediately. She loves some quality time but she's also a busy bitch and loves that too.

Who made the first move?

Bechloe: Chloe. Technically. She's been making moves since they met, but nobody could tell if she's joking or not. So it isn't until Beca makes a move back that it's solidified.

Staubrey: Stacie. 💅

Who said "I love you" first?

Bechloe: Chloe. She said it first in the friendship and the relationship. Because it's easy for her to share of herself that way. Especially with Beca.

Staubrey: Aubrey. Stacie definitely has avoided that word for a while, so she's shocked with Aubrey says it and has a "oh shit, I love her too" moment.

Who hogs all the blankets and who wakes up in the middle of the night, shivering?

Bechloe: Chloe hogs the blankets, but there is no shivering. Beca is a tiny furnace. Chloe has no idea how she ever sleeps with any clothes on.

Staubrey: Stacie and Aubrey used to battle every night, because they are both blanket hogs. They eventually got individual blankets.

Who showers in Antarctica, who with the waters of hell?

Bechloe: Again, Chloe doesn't know how she does it, but Beca takes showers so hot that her skin is steaming when she walks out. Chloe likes a nice warm shower, but Beca's boiling herself

Staubrey: Stacie takes cold showers. Is this to battle her natural libido or for some skin care reason? She will not say. But Aubrey is taking showers just shy of hell. She has to burn away the stress.

These were so fun!! Definitely feel like I've got more to think about when I'm writing them now lol!!

[justonemorewallflower]

Another cousin BSG update!! We got through Black Market to The Captain's Hand.

She hated the Black Market lmao she understands why everyone hates it so much and agrees it doesn't make much sense, etc. she especially hated it because Lee is one of her favorite characters and she wants him to have a better episode that is themed around him.

She thought Scar was interesting, she was pretty annoyed with Kat. She said she doesn't really like Kat but she has her moments. She was also annoyed with Kara in some scenes. She was annoyed with how much Kara was thinking about Sam in this episode and that whole scene with Lee where she kisses him and says there's nothing between them, slaps him, etc. blah blah blah. Also it was funny because in the scene where Kara and Lee are drinking and talking about the future my cousin said how they'll both make it to Earth because they have main character syndrome and I'm just over here like- heh that's what you think. She's gonna be so upset that Kara doesn't get to stay on Earth, and especially since Lee ends up all alone. She's gonna hate that so much.

In Sacrifice she was annoyed with the Lee and Dee stuff and felt bad for Billy. She was super annoyed with Ellen and lowkey wanted her to die lmao. The hostage situation was stressing her out and she was upset when Kara accidentally shot Lee but she became even more upset when Billy died. She was absolutely devastated.

It was funny because she kind of predicted it because she was saying how "Billy better not die" then when things seemed to be going okay at the hostage situation (them sending in the other Sharon body) she said, "man I kind of wanted someone to die." And I was just like be careful what you wish for lmao. She really liked Billy.

She didn't really like the Captain's Hand because of its subject with the abortion stuff which is fair. She absolutely hated Garner, and was glad that he died fixing the FTL. She was also very annoyed with Dee and Lee and all of that she doesn't understand why they've become a thing since they didn't have like any build up at all really, she literally hates them so much it's funny. She is definitely not thrilled that Baltar is going to run for president but she says he's gonna win and that he's gonna suck at it and I'm like well yeah not wrong haha.

It's very funny cuz she and I chatted about the show after and she was saying how there better be a marriage scene she doesn't care who between and I again just told her "be careful with what you wish for" lmao cuz the marriages are between both of the ships she doesn't like lmao. She's still set on Kara and Lee being end game and I'm just like girl- you still don't know what ride you're in for lol. Also some of her predictions/theories are right cuz I asked her if she had any theories regarding the love square and she said how Sam is gonna make it back and he and Kara will be together and Lee will be with Dee for a while and it'll be happy then one of them (meaning Dee or Sam) will die. And it's just like damn that's ironic since they both die but Kara unfortunately does too.

Those are all my main thoughts from those episodes that I can think of right now! She's coming over this Sunday to finish Season 2 and I'm so excited for her to watch Razor, as well as finish this season because she is gonna be so upset haha. Again I will keep y'all posted.

[will80sbyers]

I think people are setting themselves up for disappointment with imagining situations like Mike getting put in a trance/gets Vecna'd in an angsty situation where his secret feelings, IH and depression are getting an elaborate focus and it's dramatic and Vecna sees Mike as such a treat that he goes after him in an elaborate way etc etc and Mike is paralleled to Max and that indicates that he will be specifically targeted Max-style or in a similar way to that etc etc..... Like I think most of the ''parallels'' people try to find and theorize about this situation regarding Mike's character is far-fetched and reaching, and I know this is controversial but I seriously don't think those things that people come up with apply to Mike's character. Those things apply to Will's character.

If anyone is getting an elaborate Vecna'ing and being put in a trance where the trauma, guilt, shame and IH etc are revealed... it's gonna happen to Will. not to Mike. Bc that's not how Mike's character is written and people are just confusing Mike with Will's character.

And I think Will is paralleled to Max in a more precise and apparent way too (aside from Will literally being paralleled to every one of Vecna's victims ofc....). Will is the one with elaborate trauma, textual IH and guilt, shame etc....

Mike most likely would be targeted by another villain like a dragon that Nancy saw in her vision. But we are not getting an elaborate setting where Mike faces his angsty and dramatic ''depression'' and issues where his feelings are revealed or his shame/guilt/dark thoughts are revealed. That's just not Mike's character. It's Will's.

It's more likely that Dustin and Lucas would be targeted in a trance situation than Mike atp. Because Dustin and Lucas actually have guilt at this point in the story instead of Mike, who has no such a guilt.

The reason why Max was targeted was because of the Billy situation. The reason why Nancy was put in a trance was bc of Barb. Dustin would get targeted bc of Eddie and Lucas bc of Max.... Mike's character doesn't have such a conflict for his character to be targeted more than other party members.

Do I think he is going to be targeted in some way like other characters? Yes, I do. But do I think he's gonna get targeted in an elaborate and angsty way? No. I don't think so. Because that's not Mike's character. It's Will's.

y'all take pleasure in making me take a very unpopular opinion out loud uh? damn...

lmao good thing I already am most of the time 💀

I agree with you... I don't think it will happen in the show but look, if it did happen and they somehow make it make sense I would be really excited like literally jumping up and down excited because I do love a good angst scenario sometimes lol

and I do wish they stopped torturing Will... I know it's not likely because I think the point was always revealing Will's inner struggle in a Vecna way since the start of the show and making him "come of age" by winning the struggle...

[yandere-southpark]

Hello!! I saw that your requests were open and I wanted to ask if you could do a yandere Kenny? I think it'd be pretty interesting since he could in fact die for his s/o lol.

HCs for Platonic and Romantic Yandere Kenny

A.N. - Y'all really want some yandere Kenny, huh? I've been getting several requests for this boy, and I can see why. He's the ultimate martyr.

Kenny McCormick

Platonic:

Patron saint of the silent protector. Kenny's sense of self-preservation has all but perished, and he has made it his mission in life to uphold the safety of his friend. Everything else is optional. His presence often goes unnoticed by them until a threat presents itself. He rushes from the shadows and acts as a human shield, shoving his friend out of the way or stepping in front of them to take one for the team.

While Kenny does believe that endangering his friend should be repaid with death or at least serious injury, his top priority is getting them to safety. If that means taking a beating, being run over, or having his insides become his outsides as they flee, he will lay down his life in a heartbeat. Even when it's a fight he knows he cannot win or one that promises only the cruellest and most agonizing of deaths, Kenny never hesitates to sacrifice himself.

In his mind, no lives have more value than his friend's and Karen's, and he will die as many times as it takes to prove that.

While his protectiveness is not as violent and oppressive as Kyle's or as overt and suffocating as Tweek's, Kenny is always keeping a close eye on his friend and will go to any lengths necessary to prevent them from falling prey to nasty habits, making grave mistakes, and putting themselves in stupid situations that ultimately harm them.

He is quite hypocritical in this regard, as he often gives his friend advice or tells them to never do something only to turn around and do the exact opposite. However, this is because Kenny believes that they are better than him. He views himself as already having a damned soul, so he doesn't care what horrible fate befalls him this go-around.

His only desire is to ensure that his friend is protected from the many dangers and pitfalls of the world and gets to live a happy life, which is something Kenny worries is beyond him. It's a sweet sentiment born from good intentions, but all too often it ends up wrecking lives and sending many to an early grave.

Kenny always crawls out of his grave, but his victims are stuck in their caskets. Assuming there is enough left of them to put in one. It's best to make it a closed casket funeral. Kenny gets a bit carried away when he thinks his friend is in danger.

Romantic:

A more behind-the-scenes type of yandere who generally likes to keep his murderous impulses under wraps until he's certain that no one else is around to witness it. He knows how loose-lipped the residents of South Park are. Someone will talk, and before long, his partner will be terrified of him and want nothing to do with him.

Still, Kenny will make a mistake eventually, and it will be the one he never recovers from. Perhaps he overestimated his perceived opponent and wound up killing them when he meant to maim them, and now the police are hot on his trail and most of the town is on the lookout for the culprit.

Kenny likes to think that he has come to terms with being the thankless saviour and accepted the fact that his partner will never be grateful for his protection, but it still feels like dying all over again when they look at him with fear and hatred in their eyes and shy away from his touch. This only makes him more desperate to reconcile, which leads to a series of unwanted advances that achieve the opposite.

Maybe he simply lost control due to the presence of a particularly persistent and bothersome rival and began to wail on them in the heat of the moment the second they touched his partner, temporarily forgetting that he had an audience. No matter how much he tries to convince his partner that the person he killed deserved it and wanted to hurt them, they will never look at or treat him the same way again, and no amount of death will change that.

A new flame has been ignited within Kenny, and it burns for those who would dare to consider themselves to be an admirer of his partner. He views his partner as one of the few positive aspects of his life, so when someone comes along who believes that they can take his main source of happiness from him, Kenny gets an itch to use his immortality for a more creative purpose.

He takes his stalking of his partner down a notch in favour of tailing a rival and making them be collateral damage whenever he is inevitably killed.

If they are walking down the sidewalk and he happens to see a fast-approaching vehicle barrelling towards him, the rival may find themselves standing in the middle of the street with Kenny lining up behind them. If food poisoning or illness is brought into the equation, he will nearly force-feed the foul fare to them and make sure to get sick all over them if the situation arises.

He "accidentally" keeps running into the rival whenever he is sick to try and pass it to them. If he's feeling especially spritely, Kenny may even intentionally give himself a severe and potentially fatal illness and then refuse to leave the rival's side, acting like their best friend until they catch it and keel over.

He will die horrifically from the disease, come back, and then give it to himself again as many times as it takes to kill them. If great heights are involved, Kenny may do his greatest trick of all and effectively bearhug the rival before jumping off.

[nightswithkookmin]

GOING ON A HIATUS

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.

I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.

But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.

For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...

I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol

I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.

The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?

While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.

It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.

They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.

Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.

The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.

I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.

My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.

But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?

This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.

You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.

Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.

I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.

The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!

The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.

Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.

As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.

We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.

The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.

He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.

Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.

I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.

When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.

I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?

It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.

Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.

I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.

My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.

However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.

This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.

I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.

This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.

As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.

If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...

But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!

Do you.

But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.

Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.

I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.

I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.

Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.

I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.

Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Until we meet again.

Signed,

GOLDY

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #7: "keep me because im so cute :3" - Zach

omg i forgot to confess bc i was so busy.... so this last round was honestly p straightforward. the ~international~ alliance stuck together. i feel bad cos liam is the loml but ): a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

lowkey pissed the other tribe didn’t send me to the basement. they can choke !

i’m nervous about the joint tribal bc let’s be real i’ll be going. i’m nervous for whatever tribe goes with us cos if it’s atilla i’m worried someone i’m close with will leave. tho honestly i would flip on stephen z. so we’ll see!

i’m feeling rly close to luke and i’m excited to potentially make merge w him (:

Winning this immunity challenge is a double-edged sword. I'm immune at what will probably be a chaotic joint tribal, and LIKELY going to be making it to the merge soon. At least I hope so. But there's two major drawbacks, and I want to talk about why I'm worried about each of them.

Number one is obvious, I can't socialize with the 4 Kato members that will be at this vote. They'll be meeting 4 more original Takagi members and potentially bonding with them while I'm sitting here in what is basically exile. I need to pay even more attention to my first impressions because these players are definitely going to have some kind of deal going before I show up.

The second is just as important. i won't be at this tribal council, meaning I can potentially lose an ally here without having any ability to change plans for the better. If Karth or Ally get voted out here, my game takes a huge hit. A hit that I might have been able to prevent if I was there with Jess and Alyssa.

But, I'm gonna enjoy this safety while it lasts. I want my last few moments away from the merge to be stress free, since I know things are really going to pick up once every piece is on the board.

i'm going to tribal for the second time this game, and it's a joint tribal. rip. i am riddled with fear and stress.

i don't think i should be targeted. i believe i've maintained a solid social game and appear as a benefit to most people. i trust karthik/tim enough to not vote me, and i think i've developed somewhat of a grounding with jake/miguel. though ally/stephen/luke may identify me as a physical threat, i think ally knows keeping me is best purely for a shield purpose.

however, there is that little voice in the back of your head. the one that says "you're a physical/social threat!" and "it's the (probable) last vote for premerge, why wouldn't they take out a threat???" - though i disagree with this logic in terms of how i feel/play orgs, you can never know until it's too late. personally, i'd be taking out a goat or someone who is playing a similar game as you. if you're a shield, take out a shield. if you're UTR social, take out another person who is UTR and social. you want to be the BEST at your role, and i don't think anyone is as big of a shield as me (atm, of course). maybe i'm overhyping my game (and p.s., in no way am i saying i'm playing a good game, i just mean physically im pretty dominant).

jake mentioned stephen being an endgame threat due to his social game and likeability. he (stephen) is someone i wouldn't mind taking out. i have no connection with him, and he has had a tendency to flip on alliances (confirmed by jake/miguel/ally; the TJ vote). it just seems too obvious.

as for my idol, i'm not sure. if the person i vote (stephen, whoever.) is idolled in any regard, i'm likely idolling. i am NOT leaving premerge with an idol - that's ugly. but it's a tribal with no advantage i fear most. i don't want to overthink it. i've wasted so many idols because i critiqued every little word + action. i want this game to be different. i'm totally using it tomorrow bc im a paranoid mess btw. but i truly would love to save this idol (if i'm safe, of course) for future use.

in the wise words (or title) of that one type of game at the killing floor in Murder Trivia on Jackbox Games:

decisions, decisions…

i KNOW I JUST I CONFESSED BUT

idk. my fear is that it's final 11 right now. merge is in the horizon. if this joint tribal (for me) was any earlier, i'd be more secured i think. they don't need me for tribal immunities anymore. so, what will they decide?? keep me because im so cute :3 or throw me in a ditch and call it a day.

OK SO FIRST SORRY FOR THE LACK OF CONFESSIONALS I'VE BEEN SO BUSY WITH MY 1st ever THEATRE PRODUCTION. And I haven't been able to talk to anyone at all which bites. I am lucky that my team sat me out for this challenge because I woulf have flopped but we flopped anyway lol.

NOW WE'RE AT A JOINT TRIBAL NNNNNNNNN and i do not approve.   Jake talked to me and pushed the idea of staying with the 5 on kato 2.0. I totally agree with this but we just need to come up with a name…

By some miracle.... Attila came together this round and... actually..beat.... the... other... two... tribes. LIKE YASSSSS QUEEN YASSSS! I'm almost certain we will be merging next so it's always nice to know that you didn't suck enough to NOT make merge?

Speaking of merge, that's all up in the air for me right now. I still have no idea what my merge plan is.... I'd love to link up with Tim, Karthik, and Stephen but something tells me nothing is ever that simple. I can see a world where Tim, Karth, and Zach got extremely close. I can also see Tim's paranoia about me and Alyssa grow out of control and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with in this game. It's a fact.

I really want to end Zach's game FAST. I'm really afraid he's going to just keep winning immunities and that's going to suck.

Going forward I DO hope the trio of myself, Alyssa, and Stephen stick together but lord... I don't see that lasting very long either..

Let's just say... I'm prepared to get messy. Messica is here y'all!

Something fishy is going on here. So Zach is, without a doubt, the biggest physical threat in this game. Ally tells me the best way to move the votes is to vote out a threat. I say Zach. Ally says no, Karthik and Tim would never vote out Zach. But you just said we should target a threat... Oh, i see, you meant an OG Kato threat. Right, ok. Its worrying that Jake is being shady and lying to me when he really needs to open his eues and see that if he doesnt work with us then OG takagi is gonna vote us out 1 by 1

I’m going home but ive told ally i have an idol cause i might leave but ill be damned if i dont make an impact before i go

a timeline of my thoughts throughout this tribal that i’ll probably end up dying in for being messy: — 12pm: i’m worried about getting votes bc for jake and miguel i’m the only person they don’t know well miguel knows me obviously but not in game — 4pm: THESE PPL ARE ALL MESSY kato 2.0 is gonna control the vote and at this point i’m just gonna seal stephen’s fate byeeee i tried to get a majority but stephen is an idiot and only wants to vote zach so i’m going to go shove him under a bus to zach now and hopefully they’ll kill him ! — 5pm: jk i hate all of og takagi they can all choke stephen is gonna try and get all of og kato to vote together and i'm voting with them bc fuck zach fuck karth ! tim is ok we don't rly talk i'm gonna try to flip miguel i have low hopes but we'll see — 5:30pm: i’m being so messy but i don't even care bc i'm sick of being ignored by ppl who are allegedly!!! my allies!!! — 6pm: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENINGGGGH I AM LOSING MY MIND I HATE ALL THESE PPL — 6:30pm: so stephen has an idol zach might have an idol let’s pray my messy ass isn’t getting votes for being a messy ass and maybe everything will be ok — 6:47pm: something feels weird. idk what. fuck survivor!

SO I JUST SAW THE MOVIE US. Oh and I will recap on that crazy joint tribal in a second but now I'm at CHILI'S. And I feel a merge in this Chili's tonight.

Oh my GOD. Oh my G O D!!!!!!! We WON????? HOW????? I’m actually dead cuz we’ve been strategizing literally since yesterday about what we would do in a joint tribal situation. Like I was looking at the results just PRAYING Takagi lost and Anna Jane announced they did and I just felt a huge sigh of relief. But then she announced who was safe????? And it was Attila?? I??????? WOW. I’m just really happy. I mean it sucks I guess cuz now it’s one less round to meet new people and maybe it’ll put me at a disadvantage for the merge that may be coming but like???? My head not being on the chopping block is pretty. Um. YEAH! I’m hoping that they vote out Luke tbh... but I guess we’ll seeeeeeee. For now I’ll enjoy being safe!!!

Stephen W is voted out in a 5-3 vote. He becomes the first member of our jury.

[whatsunderneathme-blog1]

Day 2

It's pretty funny how life works. I feel like I'm good at it some days. Others not so much. It feels like everyday is a game. Like whoever the fuck claims, "you win some and you lose some" was spot on. Sometimes I wish I had some sort of cheat sheet to it, like when I was a kid, I would use one of those for GTA. There was a "ladies' man" cheat one where all the CPU women would always come lurking towards you. I would drive an ambulance and they would just hop in, filling the seats to max capacity. Then I would drive them to an alley where I would beat them with a baseball bat until they died so I could take their money. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't do that in real life, but you get the point. Cheating. Real life shit. Cheating may seem fun. Maybe when it applies to the people who truly seek it out. But not me. Cheating is a lot like fire. It destroys. Literally everything. Which brings me to my next topic.

It's pretty funny how life works. After my "big move" to Maryland this takes place. Well, summer was over pretty quickly for me. I mean, hey, I moved to this lovely place in July... the time when makeup is not an option. And don't attempt to even do up your hair, because it's going to evolve into some sort of fuzz ball. Especially when your hair hits your waist. So yeah, no to straightening. I spent most of my days either in my Aunts office, running, or drinking the Budweiser or Molson Canadian out on the water in my bikini. Which of course revealed my lovely inverted cross. Not really appealing to the church-goers of "southern" Marylanders. Kinda reminds me that I regret doing that.

October. 2018. I was involved in the FD pretty often. I was also heavily involved in my EMT class. But this took place on a lonely evening in my room. No, not that kind of fun. But the kind where you contemplate your social life and join something called Tinder. Great move on my end, because *spoiler alert*. I met the love of my life. No, like really. The kind where you literally want to just cry a bunch of fucking tears because you're so happy you can't sit right with yourself. That came out wrong. Lol. The good kind of hyper. But it didn't really go my way for a while. I ended up super-liking this bitch. Like I wanted to swipe right 1000000 times. He looked just my type. Had his shit together. Even listened to the same music as me. My inner little girl that had a list made up titled "Dream Husband" was screaming on the inside. Tall. Dark hair. Light eyes. Talked a bit and things were awesome as fuck. LOL. He even stood me up the first time we were supposed to hang out. I had invited him over to my house to have some beers and chill. Well, he had another idea... to cancel on me. But I won't make it seem that depressing. I mean, I didn't think at the time he was actually going to keep me in his life since he was leaving the state soon. I would give more information regarding that so y'all could have like a better idea of things, but this shit is public, so my EMT self is saying "errr, HIPPA violation"? Yeah, I'll go with that. HIPPA violation. But the time frame of him leaving was coming up. Sooooo I sent his ass a nude. I know, I know, not very classy of me.. but with most things, fuck it. Why not. And damn right, you guessed it.. Yep, like most men, that caught his eye. He fell hook, line, and sinker into that one. Ladies, throw some VS lingerie on and you're golden. Maybe straighten your hair a lil bit. So, one night, him and his roommate (maybe it was that night), he came to see me at work. I'm a server. Perfect opportunity. He wasn't sat in my section, thank god. But the two of them sat at Booth #2. He ordered the Mac n Cheese. Excellent choice. Our whole menu has amazing food, so he couldn't really make a bad decision. But I'm not judging. Pasta is my thing. Okay maybe I'm judging. Or maybe it's weird that I remembered what he ordered to eat. I'll just blame the OCD. But now that I'm writing all this, I kinda want to fast forward. No disrespect, I love the man.. but I could write about him all day. Probably not stop. Let's skip to what I don't want to write about. Maybe it will make me feel better... getting it off my chest. I'm really thankful that there's someone sitting in the radio room (what we call the room with the two computers) at the station. I live here, don't know if I really mentioned that in the start. The reason why I mention why I'm thankful someone is in here, is because I'm more put together. Not crying... hysterically. I do that. A lot. When I'm alone mostly. So let's get on with it.

Now. March. Almost time for April to hit. It's pretty funny how life works. Well, for me, I fuck up a lot. I mean, probably a lot more than most. I mean, I dislocated my fucking shoulder today just stretching after my run. Who does that shit? Me apparently. FYI typing this shit hurts. But I enjoy it. So you see, I try my best to separate my logical and emotional mind. Sometimes one takes over and confuses the other. My therapist taught me this. The really cool one. Well, not so cool when she made me go through my past. That's another conversation. What I'm trying to get at is, well, my emotional mind is really taking over at this point. Maybe I spoke too soon when I said that my depression was gone. Maybe I didn't say that in 'the start'. But sometimes, certain things just kinda trigger it. So, me and the Tinder guy (sorry, bf, ily, but that's what I'm referring to you as, just out of respect) have been dating for almost 6 months now. Well, he isn't in MD right now, he's out doing his lil career thing. So I made a really, really, really, really, really, really x1000000 stupid mistake. You can probably guess. I got stupid drunk at a formal event and.. *see paragraph 1, line 9, only word italicized. Find it. You get it. Before that night, my biggest regret was stealing from a mentally challenged girl in middle school. Swiped that 20-dollar bill from her small backpack zipper like it was a golden Wonka wrapper. In my middle school brain, I justified it by blaming her- she should've zipped her shit up, right? But what the fuck was I thinking? I knew that night, when I handed the older skater boy I liked a pack of Cowboy Killer's with that 20 that what I had done was wrong. And guess what? I still think about that. I still haven't forgiven myself. She missed her bus because of me. The girl I fucking stole from was stranded because of me. She had no money. God knows how that girl got home. AND she's mentally challenged. I can picture her now, with her big frown that matched her uneven glasses. And my happy ass just walked 0.6 miles to my house. A street over from my middle school. It makes me fucking sick to my core to think I could ever do something like that to someone so innocent. That night, everything changed. That night is, you fucking bet... my biggest regret. And the worst thing is, I can't run from it. Every single day I want to break the mirror I look into, or hope that the mirror would just miraculously shatter because it doesn't like what it sees. You don't want to know what I feel. The man that I love is suffering because of what I did. Even though I'm an atheist, I will admit, within this month I have broken down so many times on my hands and knees, praying that the pain I've caused won't cause us to separate. I have wandered aimlessly in the night so the thoughts won't develop into something darker. Because I'm not afraid to admit that I struggle from time to time wondering what the fuck I'm doing with myself. I have never wanted someone to forgive me so bad. So next time you have the opportunity to count your blessings, fucking do it. Do it every fucking minute you can. Because the choices you make can really hurt others. And you can risk losing the ones you never thought you could if you're not lucky. I may put on this badass face, like I am so strong I could take on anything, but truth is, I still am hoping one day that I can go to bed without having a night terror, sleep without my fucking IKEA teddy bear named Evgeni, or to just close my eyes and try to wipe away the lies I've piled on like a large campfire to hide the ashes- the trauma I've gone through. I'm dying to live that normal life. Deep down underneath me is like a glass bottle, but it's broken. And you know who helped me heal? That Tinder guy. That man would do anything for me. That man treats me with respect. With every I love you he says to me, my heart forgives me. My head feels right at home with him, erases those horrible things my father told me, grabs the loaded shotgun my father forced to the back of my head when I was 11, breaks the hands of those that vandalized me when I was 17, 18, 19, and 22 years old, unplugs the 400 degree flat iron I used to burn my face all those years from the constant sexual torment. I don't know whether the correct term is that I was a damaged child or if I maybe just had the worst luck, but there are things people in general should not have to endure. I was innocent at one point, but that dissipated at such a young age. I only had me. And honestly, I was never able to tell the truth about those things because I was always silenced. But this man, listens to me with open ears. And for the first time in my life, I heard something I've never heard someone say. And he was exactly right. SO fucking right. It sounded something along the lines of, "You can't run from your problems. You can't just keep moving states every time there's a problem thinking it will solve them because it will just catch up to you".

He is someone I DO want for the rest of my life. The touch of his skin on mine hushes and tucks away all those memories to bed. That man has listened to me speak more than any man has. I smile until the small dimples on my left cheek poke out. Since that man has come into my life, I never realized what true love really felt like. I didn't realize how gentle it feels on the heart. It courses through me like the ocean waves fall through the sand trenches I used to build when I was an innocent little girl in her one-piece, kissed with a sunburn. It feels invigorating, even better than the feeling I get when I step on the ice rink with my freshly sharpened blades. It's the moment when he first let me rest my abnormally freezing feet softly against his, tucked in between his legs when we slept. Because even though it wasn't comfortable to him, he only cared about what I needed in that moment. I have only ever wanted acceptance, normalcy. I am okay on my own. But he makes life, life. When flowers are left out in the rain, they don't do well. They need three things: water, sun, oxygen. See, I have two. 1. The rain- the sadness. 2. The air that I breathe, the most key thing to being human, obviously. But in my life, the sun only shines when I'm out on the ice, playing hockey. It's like I was doing okay, but I had been waiting for that one thing I had been missing. 3. The sun. He is that. I feel like that flower that lives graciously, with fresh, new petals that grow each day. I feel important in the world. Even more than I ever have. That's what I feel. It's like all this love consumes me. I smile more. Laugh more. I feel beautiful. Alive. Alive. Alive. Isn't it funny how life works?

*refer to the last ¶, first line, the words that can create a reply - and stand out.

I love you,

All my heart,

L.