#but cuz I'm scared I won't find myself
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God I feel like I'm growing old (turning 20) but not as in I'm getting ugly and losing my worth, not as in i actually think 20 is old, not as in i think my 'biological clock' is running out. I'm growing old as in everything is changing so fast and I'm the same age my heroes were when they felt so big to me, but I don't feel big. Somehow i still feel like a kid, and yet the kid i was also feels so strange to me, and now I don't know if I'm an adult or a child because i feel like neither. Do you understand someone please tell me you understand.
#seeing a lot of (correct!) posts expressing anger at how#people basically say once u hit your mid twenties your time is almost up#about how middle aged is still SO YOUNG and we need to stop looking at aging as a monster#and i wholeheartedly agree!!#yet at the same time I'm terrified of aging#not cuz i think I'll lose my wortg#but cuz I'm scared I won't find myself#does this make sense#this js a completely new world I'm entering and i have NO CLUE what I'm supposed to be doing#and yet i feel like i SHOULD have it together cuz I'm almlst twenty now
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ggghhg i hate vehiclessssssss ghghghhghhhhh [dies dies dies forever]
#just me hi#i'm going to get right back to it but i need to complain or i'll turn into a stale loaf of Bread lmao :3👍#so here it is. why's it gotta be so hard hhghfh#okay buildings suck i hate buildings. but also they don't make me want to immediately explode at the merest hint of actually drawing them#vehicles?? Vehicles ???? i am going to just. what if i just put everyone in magical cardboard boxes and did that huh. what is the point !!#i have to draw motorcyclessss and carssssss and i'm okay with bikes to a degree actually <3 and horsessssssss and truckssssssssssss#god forbid you pick an older model with like 20 articles on it cuz most of them are going to only have a side profile and 3/4s view of that#dang thing. which yea sounds manageable 'why is this a problem keeps' i cannot properly see the FRONT#i have to guess?? i have to Guess ???? my dearest wish i think i'm just going to live in the sewers. with the sewer creatures#GGHHHHHHHHHHHH#i am going to practice drawing this stupid thing that i'm going to use for like 7 panels MAX and then i'm going to commit a FOUL crime. lik#rearranging someone's usual playlist without them knowing so they're confused every time they listen to it afterwards#//okay enough of that. we're good hbfhsfh :3#i have done other things today ! i've actually made a rough timeline for pi.e so thaaaat's cool :D#that and found a cool artist to follow on pillowfort. i. forgor their user but they have cool art .w.#/also i'm past the halfway mark on this first chapter which is !!!#i don't want to jinx myself cuz i know i'm really good at that hfhsv - but i think i'll start storyboarding the next part if i can get a#couple more pages done :D#//also the cowboy au grows stronger everyday hhhgfshvbh#i kind of knew some sort of au was inevitable but i did not think it would be an old west one loll :3#still trying to figure out the logistics#i wanna find some good historical fiction from those eras (1860s-70s) but i do not have the brain space for it rn fbhs - so this will do :>#it won't have any of the magic or gods i think bc of that but i'm having fun regardless :D#it Does have some occult though. because i was playing the story for my brother and i Do enjoy scaring him hhbvhfhsfvh#there are devils on the ranch!! or are they devils?? he hasn't gotten that far yet lol :>#//i also may have some sort of weird lean towards the spooky because Somehow each of my stories end up containing some sort of thriller#element?? lmao rip my siblings#but it never happens on purpose. again; rip my siblings hfhhvsh#//oo running out of tag space lol <//3#i shall return. probably with more wip stuff cuz i started like 4 canvases in 2 days hhghghdvs - toodles !!
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♧he went...that way...♧
Katsuki Bakugou x CheshireCat!reader
♤Reader can be any gender, reader has like cat ears and tail and stuff cuz...cheshire cat quirk ig, uhhhh this can be in like season 3, and him and reader are kinda in a situationship, and also I wrote this at 3am and was very sleepy, please don't judge about how shit it is💀🗿
◇Enjoy at your own risk
"Dammit.." Katsuki mutters as he walks through the forest outside of the U.A dorms. He grumbles to himself, looking behind trees and around bushes.
Katsuki got into a fight with Izuku, again, and Izuku ran off to get some distance from him, which made Katsuki chase him. So that leads Katsuki here, investigating the forest to find the green-haired boy.
"You can't hide forever, Deku!" Katsuki yells, cupping his hands around his mouth in hopes it would make his voice carry throughout the forest.
Katsuki's search is interrupted by a certain someone's mischievous giggle. Katsuki grumbles to himself, rubbing the bridge between his nose in annoyance.
"You'll never find him where you're going." You trease, lounging back on a long and thick tree branch as you stare down at him with a predatory gaze. You giggle again, rolling onto your stomach, tilting your head side to side. "You look so small from up here, so fragile!"
Katsuki glares up at you as you taunt him, watching as your tail flicks back and forth and side to side. You've always been a nuisance to him, always messing with him and making his life harder for a cheap laugh.
But he loves you anyway. You're lucky your cute.
His best bet was to just try and ignore you, so he tried to do that. Katsuki looks back at the path infront of him, continueing to stomp off, but he stopped when he heard footsteps behind him. He turns, only to see you mimicking his walk.
"SCRAM!" Katsuki growls at you, making you disappear with a laugh. Katsuki smirks, proud of himself for scaring you off. Just as he's about to move again, he sees footprints walking behind him, almost making him think Tooru was there, but he knew it was you messing with him again.
Katsuki lets out a surprised yelp when you lift him up by his waist, carrying him around like a suitcase. "Oi! Put me down, you mangy cat!" He exclaims, kicking his legs and gently punching your thigh. Katsuki squrims in your arms, trying to escape before you see the blush on his face.
"Alright~" You grin, holding him up above your head with ease, then drops him onto the ground. Katsuki falls down with a soft 'oof', then quickly stands up and dusts himself off. "How the hell do you do that?! I'm taller than you!" He says, glaring at you as you circle around him.
You move behind him and squish his waist, making him blush even more. "Why, its not my fault you have such a grabable waist." You retort, giving him a playful bite on his nape. "Why not stay a while? The rabbit is long gone, you won't catch him now." You tease, placing your chin on his shoulder and whispering in his ear.
Katsuki grumbles and clenches his fists, not wanting to give into you, but also really wanting for you to squeeze his waist again. "Whatever. Just tell me where Deku went already." Katsuki huffs, crossing his arms against his chest.
You grin, stepping infront of him and plastering on an innocent smile. "Why, of course!" You say sweetly, tilting your head to the side. You then point your arms in opposite directions, and can't help but grin mischievously. "He went," You begin as your eyes flick between left and right, not choosing a single direction. "That way."
Katsuki groans, covering his face with his hands. "You're such an ass! Fine! I'll find Deku myself!" He grumbles out, moving past you, storming off.
You grin, leaning back against nothing, yet keeping your balance perfectly as you stare at Katsuki's retreating figure. "Well, good luck. He went right, not left." You mutter to yourself, giggling mischievously. You grin again, ready to follow him again and continue to annoy the ash blonde.
#bnha#mha#Mha season 3#bakugou katsuki#katsuki bakugo x male reader#bnha bakugou#mha bakugou#katsuki bakugou#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#bakugou x male reader#bakugou katuski x reader#bakugo x reader#bakugo x male reader#katsuki x ftm!reader#katsuki x male reader#katsuki bakugou x female reader#katsuki bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugou x you
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Pavel's long message on Twitter for his award yesterday! It's worth the read he's so grateful for everything, and everyone is just so happy for him🥺
Today, boy naret prompaopun has done it successfully na my cat army. i never thought, not even a single bit, that i'd get this popular series actor award 🥹 and in addition pitbabe also got series of the year in the same day 😭 all the tiredness from everything we've done is gone now... ytd when i went to the event, i didn't think i'd get the award, tbh i did prepare a speech for the pitbabe award just in case, but my individual award? i really didn't prepare. i've been seeing you all inviting each other to vote all this while, and i've been seeing the numbers every day ... and every candidate was so superb 😨 and the night before the event i saw, and i thought i'd probably not get it already... so i didn't prepare but all of you surprised me alot, the staff told me after that the votes dropped alot :( i can tell you that i was shocked when the mc said my name into the mic .. at that time, there were a lot of emotions in my head, i was happy, excited, proud of all of you, and scared about what to say... Thus, i want to type it out now bc i won't be able to finish saying all of this...
i want to say that i love you alot pavel's kittens, all of you changed me alot, gave me the courage to do things and believe in myself and gave me the courage to love.... i want to thank you all for having my back from the start, some of you even before pitbabe staying with me for over 5 years .... no matter how long has passed, all of you are my top priority in life. very soon it'll be 1st anniversary of pitbabe the series, i wanna tell you all that i'm very happy and i try my best to make everyone happy. i want us to love each other and in times where we have problems arise that make us uncomfortable, i want us to love each other for a long time na. sometimes people will say that i don't care or something like that... but please dont think that way, i love everyone very much and i want to give happiness to everyone ❤️ no matter if you come to find me at events or support me from home, sometimes i can't do everything for everyone cuz there's too many people :( i want everyone to know that i love you na ❤️ all of you probably know right? that i do my best to produce good work for you all, non-stop and without backing out, i'll do it well whilst being happy and not stressed na ❤️ love you na please stay together like this for a long time na i'll be your strong meow dad and sulky mu na my cat army. no matter what the future will be like, i'll focus on doing my best in the present and i won't make my cat army disappointed na ❤️
Like I have said before,
Live,
Develops,
Enjoy.
PitBabe has ended, but the legacy stays.
But the new legacy will be born, soon.
Stay with me till you can. I’ll continue enjoying my life with you all.
Mumma, I fcking made it.
#pit babe the series#pit babe#pitbabe#pit babe bl#pit babe series#pavel phoom#pit babe charlie#pit babe 2#pavel naret#poohpavel#pavelpooh
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i draw so that a 15 year old years from now right out of her deltarune phase scrolling mindlessly for the next thing to draw during history class can perhaps, one day, see my art and say "fuck it lets watch (insert homoerotic show/podcast)"
i draw so that a 25 year old nonbinary person on a 5 minute break from work can scroll on Tumblr and say "people still watch homestar runner?" before mindlessly reblogging as there fingers were trained to do after a life of this.
i draw so that the teen boy who has to pretend to be homophobic around his friends can send the little pictures to his boyfriend because "you like that show right?"
i draw so that 6 years from now the woman I wish I would have had the chance to marry can go on my blog and find all my little pictures and laugh and say "you never changed, did you?"
i draw for my friend, T, who likes every post i make and comments on all of my tiktoks "i agree!" followed by some arrangement of shouting and fire emojis
i draw for my mother who doesn't quite understand what I mean when I go on frivolous rants on what happened in that show or game or podcast or book or fanfic but smiles because its rare she sees me so happy it simply must be shared, and so she says "That totally makes sense" in a sarcastic tone that to one might convey rudeness, but between us has a certain sincerity, a recognition of the mundane, and we laugh.
i draw for myself to look back and squeal giddy because I love the way it turned out
i draw for people who would be my best friend that I never meet because im too scared to comment on there posts
i draw for the people i have known as long as i can remember, the people i likely won't get to see until i die, because they like my art
i draw in spite of those who make me want to quit, i draw because i know they can't stop me, and I don't think they would want to
i draw in spite of my middle school sweetheart that I still text sometimes because I miss when we were friends
i draw in spite of people who called all my art rushed after hours of work
i draw for the boy I wished i would marry because I know he looks at the art I made of him and washes out the part of it that was me, so that its a hollow glass of his own self love, posted to his media pinned as a profile photo, claiming it's nothing but knowing that after it all, he hangs a picture painted by me in his room and my love will never leave his heart.
i draw for the man he will one day be when he pushes the things he did down to unpleasant memories, and he looks at that figure, and knows that at one point, he was loved enough for someone to make it.
i draw for the man one day I will be, looking through sketchbooks full of Homestuck ocs and Mario enemies with nothing but the indication of a smile as I'm flooded with all the love I had for so many things.
i draw for the man T will be one day, hopefully still a friend of mine, finding his silly notes disbursed through my notebooks. his doodles in pages perfectly reserved just for him. you know. cuz I love him.
i draw for the people who will pass my life only knowing the cool eye I was drawing in history class.
i draw for the girl who took up art after seeing the way I put pen to page
i draw for the family that cheers to see another work done by me
i draw for the people who will exist long after I have died so subtlety effected by the art had on so many other artists, so many people, even if they don't know my name, even if they will never see my work.
i draw because its fun and it helps me think and I like thinking of ideas and putting them onto paper and I like how the finished piece looks most of the time.
i draw
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“ it’s okay just breathe” “look at me, please?” you have struggled with an eating disorder and you are scared to tell your boyfriend everything. but he is extremely sweet and helps you and always try’s to understand what you’re feeling. (jamie drysdale)
MasterList
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You've always struggled with your relationship with food. you could go from eating to starving yourself in a very short time. You and Jamie have only been dating for around 6 months and you've been wanting to tell him about your relationship with food but you were scared that he was going to find it gross.
and what if he didn't understand
you were doing fine until last night, Jamie was out with friends leaving you to watch a movie, but one movie turned into 3 and one bag of chips turned into two then it turned into a doordash order from chipotle. after you saw the empty bags and containers you felt horrible about yourself
you wish you didn't eat all that food just looking at it made you tear up. it made you feel disgusted with yourself before you knew what you were sobbing curled up on the couch under a heap of blankets.
the tears were coming too quick you didn't hear the door open or the quick footsteps headed towards you. you jumped at the feeling of a hand over the blankets on your legs. when you turned your head you were met with a worried looking Jamie, you quickly hid your face from his not wanting him to see you
Jamie was quite worried, he didn't like coming home from a night out to see his girlfriend crying on the couch. he moved his hand to your forearm Giving it a comforting squeeze he tried to move the hair out of your face so he could at least see you it took him a couple tries cuz you kept trying to move away.;
“What wrong baby?”He asked, kneeling in front of you. you turn to look at him you paused for a second before you lunged into Jamie's arms sobbing. he wrapped his arms around you pulling you close to his chest.
“ breathe y/n it's okay just breathe” he told rubbing your back when your cries slowed down you mumbled something into Jamie's neck but he couldn't understand you
“ I hate to say it but you're going to have to speak up” he lightly laughed
“I-i ate so much!” you cried to him
“ is that what this is about?” he asked you sniffled and did you nodded into his chest
Jamie looked around and saw two bags of empty chips and an empty Chipotle Bowl. That's what you were upset about? To him that was nothing.
“ Hey it's okay, look at me’ but when you didn't budge he tried again “Please”You finally gave in sitting back in his lap facing him. you wiped your tears with a palm of your hands
“ you're upset because you think you ate too much?” he asked grabbing your hands and holding them
“ Jamie look!” you said gesturing to all the empty garbage “ I ate so fucking much!!”You cried trying to bury your face back into his neck but he stopped you by holding your face with his hands
“y/n” he softly smiled “ that's okay it's okay to do this once in a while” he comforted rubbing his thumbs on your cheeks but he could still tell by your expression that there was something else going on. you hated that Jamie could read you so well. “” or is there something else going on?”
you you took a deep breath biting your lip before you spoke “ I never had a good………. relationship with food”” you whispered the last part out of Shame
Jamie just stayed quiet wanting to give you a chance to get it out
“ Some days I just won't eat anything and it's not because I forget. Trust me I'm not forgetting to eat, I force myself, then there's other days where it's the exact opposite.” you said letting a big breath out “ and now I just can't eat as much tomorrow”
“To even it out?” he asked
you didn't answer just sat here and bit your lip, Jamie gave you a soft smile before he spoke
“ tomorrow will be better, even easier” you tried to say something but he continued “ tomorrow will be easier because I'll make it easier, I'm going to help you” he smiled
you smiled back a light laugh leaving your lips as you wrapped your arms around his neck hugging him tightly
“ and this is nothing compared to what me and Trevor would eat we would eat double this just for ourselves” He laughed make you laugh back
#jamie drysdale blurb#jamie drysdale x reader#jamie drysdale#jamie drysdale fic#jamie drysdale imagine#nhl fanfiction#nhl imagine#nhl
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i hope this isn't rude or weird bc i genuinely mean it in a complimentary manner, but growing up i was always so scared of pregnancy as it was treated as something inevitable for me and what i was destined to do. my life was already tied and anchored to something that would grow inside me and who i was didn't matter. and while those feelings of fear still remain in me as a nonbinary adult and i know it won't be a path for me, seeing you post about your pregnancy (your toaster strudel comic made me bark out a laugh) is showing such a loving, casual touch to it i haven't ever really encountered. from one nonbinary person to another, thank you for sharing your pregnancy journey with us and making it so personable. like, you're still you. and you'll still be you after your baby is here
from all my years of following you and the personality you've shown to us, you're going to be an amazing parent, mod. (also i hope your kid gets into fish husbandry too!! start em young!!!)
this almost made me cry, not rude at all it's super flattering n touching n thank you. they WILL be a fish freak. 🫡
I'm struggling not to be "weird" back atcha because I've put a lot of thought into all of this. as in it's all i think about. lol. the truth is I'm just insanely lucky to be surrounded by people who haven't reduced me to an incubator, even though the world has certainly tried! in fact i haven't had much pressure to be anything in particular. which has made me, at 31, just be myself. and myself wanted to be pregnant. it's made this whole experience really fun.
but even though I'm bada baba loving it what i push against at every chance is the notion that this is INHERENTLY fun. or necessary. or magical. or inevitable for someone with our parts. it's just like. an option. i have mad respect for your fears. and for everyone's right to not enjoy this shit, whether they go through pregnancy or not. and maaad annoyance (burning, seething , hateful annoyance) at the "destiny" aspect that's always been attached to it.
it comes back to body neutrality for me. like.. I'm certainly not a sacred vessel. I'm a brain and a body going through something biologically normal. I've even been surprised to find so much comfort in the biology of it, cuz it progresses regardless of societal expectation; it's my physical experience alone. my perception, my sensations, all very insular. so if i think there's a funny little wojack in there busting it down sensitive style whose greatest joy is making my back and hips hurt so so so so so so so so bad then that's exactly what's happening.
#that's my casual loving touch lol#m2a#m2answers#I'm not even getting too serious with this answer cuz i could get very serious#anon I'm screaming fire at all the people who have reduced you. i hope you live joyously.#pregnancy
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here me out, yan rise boys w/ cat mutant reader hcs? feel free to ignore
Reminds me of how I was called cat instead of my name that one time lmao- these aren't very long since idk I couldn't really think of any major differences (this goes with most animal mutant/yokai requests ngl)
Excuse me for any misconceptions with cats, I haven't been around one in a decade so- also- I did write this one as more romantic leaning
Tw: Donnie putting MC on a diet that's only beneficial for cats, Leo playing "shining knight in armour" bs, delusional, just fluff really
Yan Turtles with Cat Mutant MC Hcs
✦Ronald Reagan's Crusty Elbow✦
Finds you really fluffy and snuggly. If you aren't a touchy person please beware of him because he will want to cuddle. He loves to give scritches behind your ears just to see if you'll purr or make any other pleased noises. If you do, he is gonna be all soft to the point I doubt he'll want to let you go for a moment.
Want your fur to be brushed? Bro is all about it. He might even put on a little Soul music while he brushes you. He tries to make it as calming as possible.
If you idk lick his cheek or somewhere on his face (cuz you're a cat-) I think he would find your weird sandpaper tongue so interesting. Might giggle a bit from the feeling.
✦Lathering Nose✦
He is definitely an asshole. He'll do everything and anything to make you jump or get startled. But as soon as you are, he hugs you and gives a few pecks wherever on your face saying you're safe in his arms. Basically, he's doing the "I'm the cause of it and then acting like I'm saving you from it."
Something tells me he would love stuffing you into like a sack with your head poking out and cuddling with you while you're trapped in the sack. He is all about those nuzzles- he loves nuzzles.
He would 100% buy you weird hats for you to try on- because people do that with their cats. It could be an apple, a turtle, to Donald Trump's hair. He just loves funky hats to give you.
✦Dough Slapping Giraffe✦
He is going to ban you from eating any foods harmful to cats because he's a paranoid fucker. Don't think he won't know, because he'll have cameras, trackers, hell he might even straight up destroy that food forever.
We know he isn't too big on physical affection, but I think he'd like you chilling on his lap while he works. I like to think his lab is a bit chilly considering all the metal and other things, so he likes that you're warm.
I'm sorry but he loves being a menace and playing with you with a laser. Definitely not his lab, but maybe the living room or just a more open space will he whip it out and laugh every time you instinctually want to chase it.
He records any cat-like noise you make it. You cannot convince me otherwise. He'll likes to listen to it if he ever has issues with sleeping or idk whatever negative situation.
✦Morphine Sucker✦
Cuddles, snuggles, pets, scritches; he will be all over you if you're any type of fuzzy animal. If he ever feels bad or just feels lonely he shoves his face into your fur, most often your neck. He has a bad habit of playing with your tail. Not in a malicious way, but he wants to pet it or watch it move around.
If he ever cooks for you, he likes to shape any solids or sauce in the shape of a cat head. He also tends to put in ingredients that are more well-fit for a cat.
He loves the sound of your purrs, he'll just cling to you and listen to it every time it happens. Also, every time you purr, he thinks he's doing a good job at whatever and that his divinity is blessing him. So you're quite literally deluding him more.
——————————————————
I'm intimidated to write anything that's romantic omg- like I think I've scared myself into putting the least amount of romantic things when I say it's romantic leaning help-
- Celina
#rottmnt#tmnt#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere rottmnt#yandere tmnt#rottmnt x reader#tmnt x reader#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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I just want to say that the most recent chapter, at the time of writing this, of your fic (where Pac and Mike travel back in time to a 2b Fit, forgive me for forgetting the name) had me so enthralled. I've said this before but I don't think there are nearly enough fics that thoroughly explore the absolute internalised homophobia a man would develop in a place like 2b, so to have a fic like yours properly portray it is like a dream. That chapter has been stuck in my mind since I first read it, and I've reread it a couple of times.
I can't get over how well you showed that he wasn't just angry, but genuinely terrified. I love the emphasis on him being above all just so fucking scared of that information existing out loud. It's such a good angle. And he's not completely dead shocked by the revelation, and jumps straight into denial, which makes it come across - to me, anyway - as if he has already been aware of this fact about himself for a while, like he knows, and he actively works to hide it everyday. There's so much implied in what isn't said . It leaves you wondering how long he's known, how much he thinks about it, if anyone else in his life has ever known, if he has witnessed first hand what happens to people like him (has he ever watched someone get killed for that while having slurs and horribly vulgar and vivid insults thrown at them, and tried his hardest not to picture himself in that position, as the victim?) ... And most of all you wonder what the aftermath of the interaction looks like on his end. Is he panicking silently up in that room, expecting a mob at his door by morning? What is he thinking, what's running through his head? What does he expect to happen now?
I just love the angle you took and how it was written, and that you decided to pick up the heavy subject matter and write it where a lot of other writers seem hesitant. It's so intriguing .
Thank you so much for this ask!!! I could go crazy over this chapter as well and point out so many details, I'm gonna get into some here, but not all (since I wanna keep some stuff ambigitous/secret still and cuz if i mentioned it all it would be a long post, but I will probably go deeper into some more things once the fic is over cuz I have so many things and smaller details I wan't to get into!!! ) (Also I guess if you want to keep thing ambigious and not 'peek behind the curtain' about some things with this fic don't keep reading)
I have seen some people say Fit's reaction to Mike's comment is with self-denial but honestly it's a lot closer to just being him denying Mike and Pac's words. He's not lying to himself, he's strictly lying to Pac and Mike, and I'm glad I was able to make that clear and people are picking up on it!
Not gonna go to much into it right now ( that's for later in the fic 🤫), but he's very aware he is gay.
As a queer person myself homophobia is sadly not something i'm unfamiliar with. I have experinced it directed towards me and I have seen it happen to other people. Meanwhile i've also done research about internalised homophobia as best I can. I know it's a heavy subject matter (and the fic has a lot of violence/gore as well, it's rated M for a reason) so I'm glad so many people are intrigued by the fic despite it (however I fully understand if someone would not like the themes and cuz of that won't read it). I'm hoping to portray it and handle the themes as best i can.
I also think it would just makes sense from a character perspective, you have a man who has been on 2b2t for years, surrounded by slurs for all lgbtq memebers and wathcing people get specially targeted for stuff like that, and that would fuck with you as a closeted gay person. Not only bring you fear of being "found out", but also adapting homophobi language to look less like "one of them" while also just ingraning it in yourself.
Fit's been told the person he is bad, and knows that if people find out he's gay there will be a lot of negative consequnces, so he hides it. And then here comes Mike, not only saying that he knows he's gay but also that "it's obvious" that he likes Pac. For Mike and Pac it's a factual thing they know, while they also know is dangerous to Fit in the wrong hands. They also think it's obvious Fit likes Pac beacuse they know what to look for.
For Fit it sounds like these random guys, despite his best efforts, knows he's gay, the other says he has photo evidence he's gay, and then said he is awful at hiding it. These two people could ruin his life and have him killed so easily. That's what Fit heard and that is terrifying.
This is also one of the reason this fic is only from Pac's POV becuase I want it to be as unclear for the reader what Fit is thinking as it is for Pac. You don't know how Fit thinks in the past, what ideas he has or how he looks at thing which I think it both intruging for readers but also terrifying. You never know what Fit's next move is going to be.
Once again, thank you so much for the ask! I love talking about my fics so thank you for giving me a reason to!
#toast fic#I should really have a tag for this fic or something umm#I'm worried bout the future fic#that works for now#ask#tw homophobia#it's very late for me right now so i hope this makes sense and is readable
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Are You ok? I'm worried
I am okay! Don't worry! This goes out to everyone in the past months who's sent something like this too. I'm sorry I never replied. I was tired, saved it for later, and then forgot. If i seem like i'm blowing you off, this is probably the reason every time :')
I was putting off giving much detail, cuz i didn't want to share so much about my personal life that it felt burdensome for ppl just there to read i guess? but being vague is actually having the opposite effect so, if you don't wanna know, please skip this!
what's been going on with me is mostly a connective tissue disorder i've had since i was born, and it's the kind of thing that gets worse over time. around my last update of Big Road Home, it had one of those "getting worse" checkpoints.
i lost a lot of strength and dexterity in my hands, meaning there are some days typing isn't doable. i've had all these new food allergies and sensitivities, so a lot of my life is just in the kitchen trying to make food i can eat without reacting. i had to go off my pain meds cuz they were making the food reactions worse, so i've been spending a lot of my life managing pain (it's been surprisingly good, btw, it's just time consuming). i also had covid again, and the long-covid brain fog is so bad this time :'''( i'll be halfway through writing a sentence and forget what i just wrote and where i was going with it.
written out like this, i'm aware this seems like a lot. and it is. but i really don't want anyone to feel burdened by it. i'm not trying to do toxic positivity on myself or anyone else. i just see all this, PERSONALLY, as part of my life? like most adults have jobs they have to go to, my job that i have to go to is taking care of my body, which is trying really hard to do what i ask of it (i think working in childcare may have influenced how i think of it lol for me my body is a tired toddler and i gotta be proud of it for just showing up).
i've had these problems all my life, so i got most of the frustration out about it when i was a kid/teen. now, i've trained myself to view new limitations as a quest to find out how i'll adapt to living with that. and sometimes i do get scared i won't succeed on the quest (pain management, i'm looking at you) but so far, i've been very lucky with finding things that work for me.
all that is to say, i'm fine, just taking my time. thanks to everyone who's asked or reached out to me <3
(and just a note about the fic for anyone wondering: i'm trying to have multiple chapters ready before updating Big Road Home because otherwise there will be a cliffhanger without a quick follow-up. but the parts i'm at just happen to be when my rough drafts get really rough and are missing entire scenes because those parts were so complicated that i was saving them for later. jokes on me that i'd have brain fog when that later arrived ;v; wish me luck)
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mm i Neeed to go the beach
#just me hi#wauhuhh !#something about just drifting around in water that i am slightly scared of that really makes my brain whir happily lol :>#i am slightly scared of it for two major reasons: 1) fish. lord the fish why are they so scary 2) sometimes i think i'll drown and they jus#won't find the body. which is less rational than the fish so that's why fish is my number 1 fear at all times lmao#/i think out of all the animals on the planet i am the most scared of ordinary fish. not even the deep sea stuff hfbshv#cuz look they're so far down there you Have to assume they look funked. and also they prolly don't like human meat. so it's cool#but regular fish?? some of them eat birds. they eat birds dude. what would they do to me if they knew how to use harpoons??#also they for SURE eat corpses so we loop back to fear no. 2 really just being fear no. 1 hbfhs#/see i'm not even that scared of the animals my parents are determined on exploding. like man if i get eaten that was prolly bound#to happen anyway. i Know how that goes. i know what mauling is lol#i am the only person in this house who will walk around outside on a moonless light w/ no flashlight because if i was sposed to be dead i#can guaranteE there are much better opportunities. funnier ones‚ too#/just looked it up bobcats are SHY little guys. they are just shy babies. except for when they have rabies :)#shy rabies babies <3#/anyway back to the fish. i don't like how there are some that specifically like to eat human skin. mmm no i have never liked that ever not#one little bit. makes my skin crawl hghfsh#i don't care what it does or can do that is NOT cool lil dude ;w;#/hang on i'm googling 'weirdest things fish eat' because i want to scare myself i guess hbfhvbsf :'3#they're only showing me weird fish!!! no !! tell me about a fish that's living exclusively off of plastics!! or car tires !! come on !!!#these guys are just funky looking. and just Kinda funky looking. though this humphead guy is funny lol :)#he looks scary but with a charm that i can't deny#his forehead. and mouf. this guy is awesome#and of course he's endangered because the world is exploding. but it's so cool he exists :D#//anyway fish are scary. and miss humphead is Huge so goofiness aside he's also scary hhfbvs#also why do some of those motherfunkers swim close to shore and bite at you. those guys suck so bad#that's only happened to me so many times but enough for me to have a fear that has lasted for over half a decade lmao#//and anywho i'm running out of tag space lol :)#we're going ot the park!! i'm going to skate :DD !!#i wanna get good at my old stuff again hfsh - so bye! bye !! toodles !!!
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Hiii! I couldn't help but notice your 555 event and I would really love to participate in it. Could you do a matchup with an MHA character in a romantic relationship? I am heterosexual (straight) and I am a female. I'm pretty chaotic but sometimes calm as well. I kind of have a lot of different personalities but I can be low key sadistic, insane, snarky to other people. I'm not really a fan of socializing with people, but that doesn't mean I don't have a few friends. Around others, I'm pretty quite and rude, indirectly insulting them but brushing it off like "it's nothing" or whatever, I mean I do try to have manners to, but there's an extent where that goes. I'll just say the usual but don't expect me to compliment. But around my like... one friend (don't judge me) I am laughing like a hyena with her at every tiny little thing. And we even go to food courts at a mall, sometimes coffee shops or just the park and sit somewhere in a corner so we can silently judge everyone and make funny stories up for them. I usually try to stay calm under pressure or stop myself from blowing up when I'm angry cuz if I do, it's bye bye poor human, you won't even need a grave to bury your dead body cuz your soul and lifeless being is being sent straight to god. But most of the time I try to stay calm cuz my best friend keeps me under control from outright insulting people and forcing on a smile. My love language is physical touch or quality time because I find comfort in just being with a person. Words don't necessarily have to be exchanged. I'm pretty chill with my receiving love language, but I prefer physical touch too. My hobbies are sleeping. Yes I like to sleep quite a lot. For most of the day that is. I guess you can say I'm pretty nocturnal since throughout the day I feel lazy but at night, I go with my friend to 24 hour grocery stores for snack runs and twice I have scared two employees by being a bit too dark and chaotic and my friend had to give them an extra tip so they wouldn't call the cops on us (yeah I think I need some help). I also like to think of serial killer stories for everyone and what would they go to jail for, whether it be teachers from back when I was in school, or my classmates from then, or anything for that matter. It gets pretty fun too. When it comes to dating, I really really need someone who is chill. Cuz if that person has a lot of energy 80-85% of the time, then I am sorry, he will have to deal with my lazy ass, I CAN NOT! I hate partying too, cuz that would mean socializing. Honestly, if I have my partner to yap to about stupid things I read on the internet, that is more than enough. And also I would like someone who would be able to deal with me like I am normal cuz I have a lot of weird habits and outbreaks so if he could just be like... "..." "okay moving on" ...that would be really nice. And I absolutely hate judgy people or people or try to give me unnecessary pity or beat around the bush. Because I really hate when they won't get to the point. And also, I wouldn't see it as a defect or anything, but just something unconventional, if my partner tries to get me to me to be more nicer instead of being snarky, that kinda sounds like big defect. But we could try working it out. And he shouldn't be like "Girls can't do this" or "girls can't do that" I will piak him to the sun to get his ass burned instead of roasting him myself. Basically, I'd like someone with an open mind. I really appreciate you doing this, thanks. I hope you have a great day ahead °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°
your perfect match is...
₊✩‧₊˚ shoto todoroki ! ˚₊✩‧₊
₊✩‧₊˚ runner ups: tokoyami fumikage and neito monoma ˚₊✩‧₊
✧₊⁺ he’s not one to get flustered or overwhelmed easily, so your chaotic energy and sharp wit wouldn't bother him
✧₊⁺ his nonchalant nature means he wouldn't judge or pity you, he’d simply understand that it’s just part of who you are
✧₊⁺ you mentioned that you can be both calm and chaotic depending on the situation
✧₊⁺ shoto, with his dual nature, can relate to that balance
✧₊⁺ he would appreciate your calmness when you're being chill and laid-back
✧₊⁺ but also wouldn’t mind when you flip the switch to your more chaotic side
✧₊⁺ he’s someone who naturally accepts people’s complexities and wouldn’t expect you to be one-dimensional
✧₊⁺ since you're not into socializing or partying, shoto is the perfect match
✧₊⁺ he’s introverted and prefers quiet moments over loud, crowded places
✧₊⁺ you both could spend hours together in comfortable silence, or just talking about random things you’ve read or thought about, something you mentioned you'd enjoy
✧₊⁺ your love language being physical touch and quality time fits well with shoto
✧₊⁺ he isn’t much for words, so he’d naturally express his affection through subtle touches, like placing a hand on your back or holding your hand when you're walking
✧₊⁺ also he might find your darker sense of humor oddly entertaining
✧₊⁺ while he wouldn’t actively join in with your "chaotic behavior," he would certainly listen and maybe even offer his own dry, deadpan responses that make you laugh
✧₊⁺ if you ever needed help with damage control
✧₊⁺ he’s the type who could easily step in and diffuse situations with his stoic demeanor
✧₊⁺ shoto is very open-minded and understanding due to the hardships he’s been through
✧₊⁺ so he would never be the type to belittle you for your habits, quirks, or behavior
✧₊⁺ he wouldn’t try to change you drastically, but if he ever encouraged you to be a little kinder (like you mentioned), it would come from a place of genuine care, not judgment or superiority
✧₊⁺ your fear of losing control when you're angry would not faze shoto
✧₊⁺ he’s used to intense, fiery outbursts thanks to his background
✧₊⁺ so, if you ever do lose your temper, he would remain calm, helping you cool down without adding fuel to the fire
a/n hope you enjoy! <3
₊✩‧₊˚ 555 follower event ! ˚₊✩‧₊
main masterlist
#my hero academia#mha#bnha#x reader#boku no hero academia#bnha todoroki#todoroki shouto x reader#todoroki x reader#shoto todoroki#shouto todoroki#todoroki shoto x reader#shoto todoroki x reader#bnha shoto#mha shoto#mha matchup#matchups#₊✩‧₊˚ tsumuus 555 follower event ! ˚₊✩‧₊#₊✩‧₊˚ prompt 4 ! ˚₊✩‧₊#tsumuus
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OH MY GOD okay so a beloved follower of mine sent me an ask about my tristan mclean headcanons like in december but i accidentally deleted !!!!!!! the fuckcing ask !!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i'm making it a post. hope you don't mind. also sorry for the wait
most of my thoughts are things i can not share on this blog (this is the Normal blog for Normal things and not the fucked up torture i subject this man to on a regular basis. tbf i hardly post about it on the Bad Posts blog either but like still. can share it on ao3 though check out sleep by imjustheretoreadonefic (don't do that it's not good)) but you can ask about that (if you want, which you probably won't because it is not most people's thing lmao) on my sideblog, yourfourthparent!! BUTBUTBUT i do have some thoughts and headcanons and such that are at the very least decently presentable!!!!
starting off first: i think he's bi! i think he figured out he was bi when he was pretty young (probably somewhere in his teenage years, probably like 15 max) and when he was in his 20s he was very involved in the queer community (his 20s being. in the 80s. sorry.) and was like a big activist. that is until the curse.
the curse being him hitting his big break. stars in some film that wasn't supposed to really blow up but it like Fucking Smashed and suddenly he was like all those guys who do one role and then are suddenly in Everything. cuz he sure is in literally everything. once he starts blowing up ofc he's got folks to help manage his image and at some point they're like haha [lip bite] you gotta stop with that gay shit or straight audiences won't find you marketable. you're already native and folks can hardly handle that let alone you being an active queer activist. you gotta cut that shit out so you can be the next batman or whatever. and tristan's like Well at least i'll make money to support myself and my dying father!
newsflash his father dies of cancer before he gets a chance. tristan's doing his best to avoid thinking about his father's death so he moves out of oklahoma blah blah yk how it goes.
he has piper when he's 33 ! everything's set and he's settled and then piper comes along and like. he's alright. he can handle this. he can be a good father (he's white knuckling the bathroom sink while he says this)
yeah he's terrified of being a shitty father. he does his best to keep her away from the press and keep her Okay for the most part but in order to do that he doesn't get to see her much etc etc. you know. you've read hoo. bleh
when piper starts dating jason he's like Oh cool ! i am about to break down ! cuz like. hey man. he is so not prepared for the reality of The Passage of Time. wdym his daughter is 16. fym tristan's almost fifty. that's so fucked up how is this allowed.
anyways he and jason are like Besties (*shoving my Bad posts to the side*) like they're such good friends they hang out so often even after jason and piper break up they're just Hiding it then. like they have weekly chess meetings and they talk about books and their lives and jason concerns tristan So Much oh my god tristan is so scared for this poor boy What are those tattoos young man Who are these "wolves" that raised you What is this "legion" Are you in a gang Little private school boy are you in a gang. What do you mean your first language is latin.
ngl my obsession with tristan came from my obsession with jason. i made a post like ages ago about how silly it'd be if tristan was jason's gay awakening and i just kept. thinking about them hanging out. and it spiralled and now i'm insane about him sorry. jason will always be my number one but Oohhhhh tristan consumes me.
anyways live tristan reaction when he finds out jason's mom is beryl grace in the middle of showing jason and piper a million old movies (beryl is in one and jason sees her and immediately freezes and tristan's just talking through the movie (hes silly sorry he talks through the whole thing. piper actually likes it because she has a hard time following movies so tristan explaining everything is good but jason is vaguely annoyed by it. he loves tristan to death don't get him wrong it's just that he can't concentrate on the kovie with tristan spitting fun facts a million words a second) when he looks over to see if theyre still watching and he just sees piper fretting over jason who's looking at the screen with a thousand gard stare.
let's go misc things that i want to mention somewhere but don't really fit uhhhh
i have this idea where tristan used to be a drag queen. i don't have any of the details down not a single one but i think about him talking to piper and her friends about the old days when he was a queen. mentions something offhandedly about how he wants to wear more feminine clothing and someone's like "oh are you like. yk. a gamer" and he's like "oh nonono i'm not trans trust me i explored my gender plenty, wore makeup, padded my bra, did drag for a few years, changed my name—" and they're like "you did DRAG ???" and he's like "OH yeah LOLZ i was terrible lol. my team keeps trying to bury it from public view for a reason. those looks were NOT serving !!!!" (he doesn't talk like that but i'm being silly rn)
(you just knoooooow jason was jaw on the floor immediately looking up TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG QUEEN PERSONA NAME TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG QUEEN TRISTAN MCLEAN— the SECONDDDD he got a chance. like staring so hard at old ass pictures of tristan doing drag and realising like Oh maybe i am bi. piper dumped him because she found his search history /j)
i think when his father died he cut his hair but then when it started growing long again it reminded him too much of the past that he Didn’t Want To Think About so he just. kept it short. and it's been short ever since. BUTBUTBUT when piper decides she wants to reconnect with her culture (which she's been mostly separate from because of tristan's own avoidance of it due to memories of his childhood and his father and blahblahblah) it sort of motivates him to do it too. like if piper's gonna do it after tristan entirely cut her from their culture then like. he can too. and it was a big part of his life when he was younger so like. he knows shit. i'm not good at this btw sorry i just have ideas UGSFHADGSF but anyways when piper starts reconnecting he decides to do it too and his first step with like Getting Comfortable again is growing his hair out. it's a smaller step yk he just doesn't cut his hair it's nothing active. (ofc when it starts getting properly long he has a few moments. he has to really confront his grief over his father's death and just the fear of that alone is enough to make him want to cut it again. piper stops him before he does but he has a few moments where he questions if it's worth it)
ik i just said earlier that he's not trans but like sometimes. with characters. i have headcanons that complety contradict each other. that is to say Transfem tristan mclean headcanon. she changes her name to t. just T. t wynn mclean. she goes by t cuz it's something she's already used to (jason called her that all the time before she came out).
these are all the ones i have off the top of my head agh pleaseplease feel free to ask more about any of these !!! (or critique them lmao half of them are. things i suck at explaining because they exist only for hyperspecific scenarios wherein nothing happens but tristan talking to jason or piper LMAO) you can also send in your own headcanons about him or jason or piper because EYE WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT THEM RAAAAGHHH seriously there's so little stuff that features him especially and if you have literally anything at all i would lovelovelove to read it all !!!!!!! sorry for deleting the ask btw i really didn't mean to LMAO sorry to my honourary mutual (i'd tag you but i'm afraid of misremembering who it was LMAO sorry mate 💔💔)
#allfatherly guidance#answered prayers#tristan mclean#tysm to the person who sent the ask btw !!! i love talking lol#sorry it took so long to get this post out lol#btw. take a shot every time i say an expression of laughter#pjo#hoo
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Kind of war
Title: Kind of war.
Ship: Steve Rogers X Avenger!Mutant!Reader.
Word count: 215 words.
Square: D2 “World War III.”
Rating: Teen.
Summary: You and Steve won't sign the Accords.
Major Tags: Fluff, angst, mention of war.
Additional tags: This is my entry to @cabottombingo Captain Bottom Bingo round 2. CABB2024.
Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.
@saiyanprincessswanie
My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.
I don’t give any kind of permission for my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.
Add yourself to my taglist here.
My other media where I publish: Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.
If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.
Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @Smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @Harrysthiccthighss @Marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @Here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard
Steve couldn't stop reading the Accords document; if he signed, it would put Bucky in danger, but most of all, it would put you in danger.
“I'm not signing," Steve said as soon as you entered the room.
“Neither am I," you said.
“It's like we're screaming for World War III," Steve commented.
“It seems the world has forgotten all that we mutants have done to save them as well as used us in the wars."
“I remember meeting a few mutants." Steve put his hand to his forehead, feeling as if he was going to get a headache.
“Maybe this really will turn into World War III," you said.
“If so, I'll always be by your side," Steve assured, taking your hand.
“I'm scared, Steve. Let's go. I know a place where we'll be safe. We can take Bucky with us, Wanda, whoever is against the accords."
“Come on, you know I'll follow you to the end of the world."
You began to put their things away; you wouldn't tell anyone you didn't trust; the others could take it as they wished; though Ross had said it, if you didn't sign, you could consider yourselves withdrawn; but where you would go, that didn't matter; when the world needed you, then they would regret it.
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@checkadii
I literally just woke up so this is the worst time to post this but ngl I have this problem where I wanna talk about it but I blank so fucking hard and fall flat on my face that I end up not talking about it anyway out of sheer embarrassment.
I'm not good at structuring my thoughts properly either because of ADHD, but here goes I guess.
I usually gotta segway into the topic if it's relevant to the conversation usually via,, friend convo, I don't know how people do deepdives of characters and whatnot I can't do that. I'm not sure why that is, this always has been a thing for me where I've got some level of understanding and my own HCs and such but they're not written or anything, so I can't express them.
To me Postal is just a silly series (minus P1 and Redux), not to be taken too seriously. So I don't really think about the "lore" that it has so much. I can ramble about Postal: Brain Damaged tho, that's probably my favourite cos of gameplay... And the designs as well as the soundtrack. It's just such a good game, I never thought shooters would ever be a genre I'd like to play, as I was so against playing them (thanks Half-Life for opening up my eyes). I can say definitely with confidence that retro styled FPS are especially something I find fun? Not on intense difficulty or anything either, I usually can't go above normal.
I've listened to "Straight Outta Suburbia" for like over an hour straight, I'm pretty sure even during while I was drawing one of my BD sketches lol
Back to Postal in general, I frankly haven't done enough "research" on it where I can properly speak about it aside from the games I've played (P1, P2, Paradise Lost and P:BD) And they're all games that are super different from each other (aside from P2 and PL, but even then). I'd also say I'm still pretty new to the series, speaking as I haven't played all of the games yet. Frankly, I was planning to just stick to P2 and that's it, glad I didn't.
Postal 1 I remember making me feel all sorts of weird things when I both played it and after I finished it. The load up intro scared the shit out of me the first time I opened the game, to where I had to pause for a minute. And it kept spooking me each time I did open it. I think that was kinda the point of the game as it's pretty dark compared to it's counterparts. I won't get into the lore of the 1st Dude cos I've seen people pluck at each other's feathers over the interpretation of him. But essentially, guy looses his shit during an episode, starts killing everyone. (Or just, "hostiles", depends how you play the game.)
P2 is so wildly different (aside from the fact that you can shoot people) that when I first opened it I was so confused how I was met with THAT Dude. I was surprised to hear him talk more beyond than just "BLEED" or "Only my weapon understands me". At the time I was also wrangling personal fears and feelings(which I don't know if I wanna get into, let alone if people would even wanna hear it lol) over playing the Postal series, so my initial expectation towards the game was:
"Okay, I know this is going to have some offensive shit in it, there's parts that won't be fun probably." And hoped for the worst, surprisingly a lot of the stuff in it I didn't find that bad, most of it is definitely fucked up, but nothing I couldn't handle, surprisingly. I played neutral-y, so I only attacked whoever attacked me, but I'd bail if I had the chance.
Paradise Lost plays similarly to Postal 2 (as it's literally the same branch of game just in the form of DLC). But I've found myself enjoying it way more than Postal 2, mostly cuz I found some of the jokes in it actually funny.
P3 I haven't played because I got rick rolled by RWS on the website so I'm not gonna play it out of spite </33 (But I've seen gameplay)
Postal: Brain Damaged is like, even more different than the previous entries as it's a retro styled shooter. But it has the charm of a Postal game and MAN is it good, I think the fact that it was released more recently is what made me enjoy its humor more. And it just!! Is so fun in general like wow, I'm still processing playing the game and I've already been thinking of replaying it because of how much I've enjoyed it. Definitely recommend trying it out.
AND WOWWW this has gotten long oops. Sorry.
I wanna note tho that, although there are aspects of Postal I enjoy, there's a lot of them that I don't, namely the offensive bits, some of them are genuinely fucked up where I can't go past them even in a comedic sense. Which I think is OK. I still enjoy other parts of it :^]
#this is such a long ramble I'm soo sorry#There might be typos dnhdhw#I'm not maintagging this do not perceive me#nines rambles#<- LITERALLY
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i think the reason that i love william wisp so much is that hes literally me when i was younger, like back when i was depressed, self-hating and refused to try cuz i was scared. i felt hollow, like there wasnt any personality left under that pain. at some point, the idea of getting better felt terrifying to me, cuz i didnt know what id find under all the pain and trauma, if there was even anything left under there.
// JRWI prime defenders S2 EP39 spoilers, tw for psychosis, derealisation and dissociation mentions
with this new era of william wisp, i wouldnt be surprised if I ended up relating to him even more. I think theres a lot of directions he could go towards, personality-wise, and even if he ends up not going the same route as me, i know that the idea itself of having to find yourself after so long spent hiding is gonna resonate with me no matter what.
another thing i find interesting is that i also got that moment when i realised that everything i wanted was at my fingertips, which was the catalyst for me eventually getting better. it was during my psychosis, this friend of mine (who i held in very high regards) ended up telling me off, i dont remember for what exactly (psychosis does funny things to your brain) but it was something related to me not trying to get better. they said something that triggered my derealisation, which of course, sent me into a derealisation/dissociation spiral for some months, and basically straight to rock bottom. of course, i wouldnt recommend that you do that for your friends who are going through similar stuff, im pretty sure i could have died multiple times back then, but in the end, its what pulled me through to where im at now.
i dont remember everything, but basically, the thought process was : nothing is real, its all made up in my head, so theres nothing stopping me from imagining a world where im happy and living in it. i wrote a poem about it, not my best work for obvious reasons, but theres still something to it i think. here :
I want to see tomorrow
I’ve been wishing my whole life for the strength to say "I'm doing great!" when someone ask me how I am
I've always had that strength
I can just say it
It's just 4 words
I
am
Doing
Great
Easy, see?
It doesn't matter if it's false
Or if the tone of my voice was off
Or if the way my eyes naturally met the ground as soon as you entered the room
It doesn't matter
So what, if I'm lying?
In a fraction of second, I might not be lying anymore
No
In a fraction of second, I won't be lying
I've been making planets and universes in my head since I could think
I never thought of making one where I was happy
Why should it matter if it's only in my head
My head is real, it's right there
And in the end, all the other stuff too was in my head
I can trust you
I can have friends
I can be myself
I can have my body back
I can be beautiful
Inside and out
I choose what is true and what is not
It doesn't matter if I'm lying to you
It doesn't matter if I'm lying to myself
In the end, we could be both only in my head
It wouldn't matter
So yeah
I want to see tomorrow
Even if it's raining and even if I don't even notice it's raining
I'll just close my eyes, and I'll have everything I've always wanted
so yea ! even if of course the superpower thing and coming back to life thing isnt very realistic, as a metaphor, williams story makes complete sense. i felt dead, back then. and i truly feel like a different person now.
and im looking forward to see where the story takes him in the future !
#jrwi show#jrwi podcast#jrwi prime defenders#solsthoughts#jrwi william#william wisp#jrwi spoilers#tw psychosis#tw derealization#tw dissociation
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