#but crying biphobia while shitting on lesbians is not the move | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

centuriantalevevo · 3 years ago

Text

Draco x Nonbinary Reader

Reader is AMAB, also this contains my headcanons lmao- hella OOC because of that (one of my headcanons, Draco has like.. multiple cousins who are basically on crack /j)

TW: transphobia and enbyphobia, with talk of biphobia. LGBTphobia in general. Misgendering

5th year is.. Hectic.. Especially for a certain kid, Y/N L/N, who had to deal with a literal pink toad this year. Like.. ew? What made it worse, was they seemed to be the only kid in the school, well Slytherin specifically, that was… Different. Not in the normal, cliche sense, where ‘oh Y/N was drop dead gorgeous but abused by everyone around her, she can sing amazing-’, no. This isn’t your typical x Reader story, Y/N was different in the sense of Identity, Gender, specifically Gender Norms. They seemed to be all alone on this feeling, a feeling of discomfort, a feeling of loneliness despite multiple friends being in the room with them at this moment. They were away from earth, where no words can hurt. Where the erasure cannot get to them.

Oh god did the words hurt.

Oh? What words? You’re about to find out.

“No, but did you hear some of the bullshit Umbridge was saying?” He asked, he as in the blonde. Draco. Draco Malfoy. “Especially to my cousin-” “You have a cousin?” Pansy asked, “Welcome to the conversation, first time speaking to me?- Yes, you are hella late to the conversation.” Draco groaned, “Now let me get back to the story” “Continue, which cousin? Darla?- Dominic?-” Blaise asked, “No, Jamie..” He responded quickly, “Oh hold on, what did the toad do to Jamie? I swear, if she hURT THAT PRECIOUS CHILD- Gryffindor or not, I love that girl to death” Blaise said quickly, interrupting Draco.

The blonde sighed deeply, “Blaise.. I love you to death but holy shit let me finnish, alright..” He took a breather, Y/N came back from their little world, queuing into the conversation. “Okay, so Umbridge had the AUDACITY to misgender MY COUSIN OVER AND OVER again! Misgendered her, invalidated her, you know that rule about like.. Something distance from the opposite gender? Yeah she’s forcing Jamie, a literal girl, to distance from girls and not guys-” He halted for a second, “No, my bad.. She’s forcing Jamie to stay away from both because she believe that Jamie is gay.. No, Jamie is a whole straight girl..” Draco ranted, “um.. Sorry to interrupt but… Jamie’s a girl? So how was she invalidated?” Y/N asked, tilting their head, Draco’s eyes moved to them, softening some.

“Oh, you didn’t know? I thought everyone knew. Jamie is trans, she’s a trans girl specifically”

THERE! THERE IT WAS! They weren’t alone now.. There was someone who understood, yet they’d been clueless this whole time.

“I swear I will jack that woman UP” Blaise said lowly and Draco nodded in agreement. “Jamie was CRYING when she came to me, she could barely speak. That poor girl passed out from crying so much. She felt so hurt and the amount of dysphoria she felt was astronomically high.” He sighed, even he wanted to cry. “Like, damn bitch you didn’t have to out yourself as a whole LGBTphobe, you could’ve just stayed quiet and it would cost you nothing yet you chose to mess with a child who is related to the MALFOY family, very smart yes mhmm..” He growled in aggravation “Only merlin knows what she’d do if there was a nonbinary in the school, she’s probably dehumanize them.” He shook his head.

“I’d commit a hate crime if I’m honest” Dominic said, coming from the stairs of the boys dormitory, “The LGBT had their way for a moment because she hadn’t thought about the gays, bisexuals and lesbians. Well.. the gays and lesbians, I don’t think she thinks Bisexuals exist..” He hummed, “She’s enforced the rule so now Darla can’t be near Daphne, luckily I don’t have a boyfriend.. The one time being single is a good thing.” Dominic dramatically cried.

“I will prove bisexuals exist, damn seems like I gotta stay away from ALL of you, sorry” Draco jokes, but was dead serious at the same time. “Until then, if there are nonbinaries in the school, technically they can by-pass the rules, if they present as masculine one day feminine the next. Or just androgynous to confuse the toad.” Draco then added, “I think I have to stay away from you guys too, shit Bisexuals can’t do ANYTHING” Blaise said, pretending to get up and leave.

So.. the students know of the nonbinary gender…

“Although, no surprise, Snape is always the decent one, along with all the other professors, and respect the trans kids pronouns, I’ve gone into his class to give him something during one of his lessons and heard him deliberately calling out kids that misgendered Jamie, it was amazing. And everyone says Snape is a bad teacher.” Draco says, smiling some at the memory. “Ooo! Speaking of which! While in Umbrdige’s class I think.. A few days ago, Snape actually found out about the incident and told her the fuck off for it-” “Damn, snape really said ‘trans rights are human rights’, go off honestly” Dominic interrupted, Draco nodded “The best look honestly, it was pure bliss watching that.” He responded.

Y/N finally managed to form words. “I.. didn’t know there was a trans person in the school.. A fellow trans person..” They said, mumbling the last part quietly, but Draco, Dominic, and Blaise caught it. “Fellow trans person?” Blaise tilted his head, and Draco glanced knowingly, the last part of their sentence was all he needed. They shook their head quickly, “Nothing” They shrugged, “Just nice to know”

It hurt, to be misgendered everyday, to be fair no one knew they were misgendering the kid. But they were so scared of being erased, discriminated against, that they said nothing. Since 1st year, pretty much.

They stretched some, “I'm gonna head to the library, I need to get studying done for Defense Against the Dark Arts, I’ll talk to you guys later.” They smiled, getting up, and grabbing paper, a quill, ink and their books from their dorm. Speed walking out, though it didn’t take long to hear a second pair of footsteps racing after them. Who the-

“Hey, Y/N..” Draco trailed of, catching up to them quickly, “What’s up?” They looked at him from the corner of their eye, “There’s something you never told anyone, isn’t there?” He asked. Y/N averted their eyes and shook their head, “Nn… No..?” They sounded unsure, “Is that a statement, or a question because you don’t know?” He asked. He didn’t wanna be rude, but this was the only way he could truly confirm. If there was someone he had been accidentally misgendering, he wanted to stop that quickly.

“I don’t wanna sound rude, nor put you on the spot.. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but.. What are your pronouns?” he asked, he knew of the nonbinaries, he knew of them.. So it’s fine to tell him, yes? He was basically defending them. They shook their head, not ready yet. “Not ready? That’s fine, I can respect that. You can always tell me, you know that right? I’ll understand. And if not me, then Jamie will.” heHe had sincerity in his voice, Y/N simply nodded. “Noted, thanks Draco..” They smiled and headed to the Library.

The next day, Defense Against the Dark Arts was boring as ever, all because of Umbridge. But she had a new lesson today, not the normal one though. She had been doing her usual bullying of Jamie, Draco had been on edge and heard about it earlier, fairly quickly too. It was like it was her MISSION to be an LGBTphobic idiot with no life. Jamie had mentioned nonbinaries before she dipped from class, arguing about trans in general with the woman, or.. Monster.. Both terms work. So she was now here, in front of kids, spewing out enbyphobic shit, and not planning on stopping.. Y/N was starting to cry, but tried their best to hold it in.

The first person to notice the distress was Draco, Hermione did too, as she sat behind Y/N but could see them jolting some, “These.. Non-binaries, are less than human. You’re either a boy, or a girl. Everyone agrees, yes? If you are born a girl, you’re a girl. If you’re born a boy, you’re a boy. It’s a mental disorder, and you need to be fixed-” “They’re normal.. They just happen to not feel like a guy or a girl..” Y/N said quietly, “Trans folk are human, they aren’t an it.. That’s incredibly hurtful..” They said, it took all their strength to keep their voice from cracking.

“What was that Mr. L/N?” Umbridge smiled that sweet yet disgusting smile, tilting her head.. No, that smile had more dangerous intent behind that. They flinched. “Is there something you would like to say sir?” She asked, stopping in front of them. “Trans people.. Are people.. Just because you’re too ignorant to learn doesn’t.. M..mean you- b-bring someone down b-beca-use of it..” Their voice started to crack, they hiccuped some. “I’m sorry.. Do you think you have more knowledge than me?” She asked, her tone was dangerous. “Y..yes. Clearly, I’ve d-done my research on this, th-there is science tha-at defends us” They said.

“Detention Mr. L/N.. For talking back to a teacher, when I am giving a lesson you are to listen, you’re too caught up in whatever freak show you tra-” Umbridge was cut off, “Don’t you DARE finish that damn sentence, I can promise you I am not against hitting a teacher and a woman at that.” Draco intervened, “There is a lot of science that backs transgenders up, plenty of brain science has shown there is a female and male brain, that’s what backs up trans girls and trans boys, the nonbinary is still being researched, but I can assure you it is much more than a mental illness. Yes, dysphoria is a disorder, it CAN be treated, it can be treated with Hormone Replacement Therapy, or HRT. It can be treated with transitioning. Some nonbinaries transition, some don’t feel dysphoric enough to transition, but at the end of the day they are still a they, I am still a he, and you are still a she. Just imagine if someone called you ‘he’, or even ‘it’ because they didn’t believe you were actually a girl-” “DETENTION, for BOTH of you.” Umbridge screamed, glaring daggers at both of them.

“I’d take detention over hearing another second of the erasure, you’ve hurt my cousin enough, I’ll gladly take the blow for her. I thought Snape would’ve taught you.” Draco muttered, staring at her, “Both of you, leave. Now.” She said with a huff, Draco grabbed his things, but stopped Y/N when they tried to collect theirs, getting it for them, “Come on.” He said softly, leaving the classroom with the student.

He handed their things to them gently, “I.. Noticed you got really upset..” He said softly, “More like panicked..” They said softly, “It’s easier said than done, but try not to let her get to you. Some people just choose to stay stupid. Sometimes even I hurt from some of the shit she says. Damn the amount of biphobia I have heard from her is ungodly.” He sighed, “You’re bi?” They asked curiously, “Yeah, I thought it was obvious by now. I kinda stopped caring at like.. 2nd year, hell I made out with.. A lot of guys in 2nd and 3rd year, mostly to piss my father off because he’s also LGBTphobic, but also just because it’s fun, and guys are cute.” He said with a small grin, they laughed. “Fair enough, do what you can to piss the oppressors off” They joked, drying their eyes. He turned to head to the Slytherin Common Room, when their voice ringed out again.

“They/Them..” Y/N said, he turned around and tilted his head, “You asked what my pronouns are.. I use they/them. I’m nonbinary” They said softly, and Draco smiled with a nod. “Is there a different name you want to be called?” But they shook their head, “The name I introduced myself as is the name I want to use.” Y/N said, “Alright, come on. Lets go to the common room” Draco said, “I can probably try and get Jamie in there too..” He hummed softly.

Later that day, it was after dinner, and all the Slytherins were in the common room. Aside from Draco and Y/N, “Do you want to tell them? Most of them are accepting, aside from a few exceptions, Pansy surprisingly is accepting.” He said quietly, and thought for a moment.. “Blaise told me a few of the kids got told off because they agreed with us.” He added, “I think.. I was always scared to say anything because I didn’t wanna be made fun of.. I didn’t know there was someone who was trans like me til you talked about what happened with Jamie..” They said, “Well, you’re safe here. Hell, I’m more than 110% sure that our headmaster is gay, so.. Do with what you will on that information” He said with a small lighthearted laugh, Draco kissed their cheek with a small hum “It’ll be okay.”

They’d chosen to tell them, they didn’t want to feel misgendered any longer, Umbridge aside. “Oi, everyone shut your trap for a second, I have something to say- THEO… Thank you” He said, after staring down Theodore for a moment. “Let us reintroduce someone, but properly this time. This is Y/N, they’re nonbinary, use they/them pronouns and the moment I hear any of you say something against that, I will personally come for you, with Jamie in tow.” Draco said, Y/N smiling a little with a small wave. “Could’ve told us sooner, but glad you did, especially after Professor Umbridge, good job” Blaise said.

Even Pansy was accepting, they were all proud that you had the courage to say come out, and also that you said something to Umbridge.

This was fine, everything is fine. Umbridge wasn’t fine, but.. This was nice, being accepted as who you are, by people who you’d think would be the last people to ever accept you. The person you thought would be the last person to accept you ended up being the most accepting, which is ironic when you consider his dad.

This was bad 😭

#draco malfoy #draco x reader #nonbinary reader #TW// transphobia #TW// misgendering #hella OOC because of my own headcanons-#harry potter universe

14 notes · View notes

kendrixtermina · 5 years ago

Text

Once in a while I remember how ridiculously homophobic my father used to be.

I mean you always try to be of your own biases and that you’re not just saying things because you don’t like a person or are angry at them and I mean in the last five years that I haven’t spoken to him I’ve been actively TRYING to forget all about him and think of him as little as possible just for my own sanity and blood pressure. But once in a while I stumble across some memory of how terrible he actually was.

He was singing the praises of Putin, describing gay people as being the same as pedophiles or marrying horses, and having “broken brains”, shooing us away whenever he thought to have spotted any remotely gay-looking couple, supporting anti-gay politics - he even tried to forbid my grown-ass mother from watching a TV show that had a lesbian comedian in it. The show had nothing to do with lesbianism, that woman was just existing there, cracking jokes. My mom mostly ignored him when he wasn’t at home because the show was funny and she wanted to watch it.

He once publicly humiliated me at a party because he thought two of my ten-year-old classmates might be evil lesbians who would necessarily molest my baby sisters. Like in hindsight I also think he just wanted some excuse to keep me from having parties and/or friends, period, cause that’s the sort of abusive controlling dipshit he was. He was fuming and trying to come up with some excuse to end it the whole evening but mom wouldn’t let him throw a tantrum over not liking the music. That was pretty much the last time I tried to invite anyone over or to have a social life anywhere other than the internet, where he couldn’t ruin it for me.

He thought ten-year old changing into swimsuits into the same room must be gay and told me to turn around or wait till the others were gone because of the evil lesbians.

Like as a child I already saw it as him being evil and backward, but like, toward innocent strangers, because after all I still liked boys. I felt morally angry but not personally slighted.

But like no. He meant ME. He was calling ME a pedophile. And worse, my BABY SISTER whose name he frequently threw around like it was the dirtiest insult. He was saying people like ME and HER should get murdered in the streets like it happens in russia. That didn’t fully hit me until much, much later.

I actually lived in a house with someone who thought THAT about me.

I guess the thought didn’t come up for a while because i thought I’d be with my ex forever and he just happened to be a dude so i didnt think id have to worry about experiencing that sort of crap

When I let it slip I was lucky enough to get the “its just a phase / it doesn’t exist / youre just an edgy teen but actually hetero” kind of biphobia but that’s because I didn’t exactly go around telling everyone about my crushes on girls. I mean it still stung like his general insistence that my whole personality including every independent thought I’ve ever had is just a temporary fluke until I turn back into his ideal stepford daughter but after spending years expecting to be terrorized it was kind of anticlimatic. I mean it took me a while to figure out the label heaven knows what would have happened if I had said “I am a lesbian” instead.

This is a man who has thrown me against walls, pressed his hand over my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe, grabbed me by the head/hair to throw me against a cupboard, tried to have me institutionalized to get rid of me and made lots of lewd, inappropriate comments about my body pretty much constantly from ages 10 to 20. (the latter being when I stopped speaking to him)

He’s so utterly coocoo bananas I once asked him to translate me that song that was constantly on the radio (I believe it was “Last Christmas”) and he told me it was evil and satanic because it describes a man had more than one single girlfriend in his whole life.

If perchance anything adverse had ever happened to my mother I would be DEAD MEAT now and I used to live in terror that they would one day snap and murder each other, like there were instances where objects were thrown in an argument, or where he broke things that belonged to us to “teach her a lesson”, including once my favorite toy. It was my favorite thing ever (I was like nine), it was in pieces, he’d thrown it down the stairs and it was clearly understood that this violence and rage was directed at me and mom. Even if he didn’t choose to direct it at us physically, it was there and I could never forget it.’

I lost like 20 kilos in the years right after moving out without making any deliberate effort, like I believe that was all stress hormones and stress eating and eating whatever at night to avoid him during the daytime. It was a messy and ugly recovery process especially the first months, but I remember being so utterly relieved that i could go fetch food or toilet paper without having to go downstairs and risk encountering him and be yelled at and degraded just for existing.

I just haven’t thought about it in years which I suppose is a good thing it just sorta came up in my train of thought like I was so used to being frightened and angry all the time I don’t know how I survived it, like im a sensisitive emo softie i was useless for months because of some stupid boyfriend and i was the one who dumped him (though he made it very necessary), ill get my day derailed super easily because of some minor shit, how did i ever get out of bed in that mans house? how the hell did i do any of the many things i clearly recall doing in my childhood and adolescence? how wasnt i just screaming or crying the whole twenty years?

I no longer comprehend.

like am i just starting to get old or what?

i mean i do think lots of ppl (particularly relatives whom I didn’t see that often) did say that i looked much happier since i moved out but mostly attributed that to my boyfriend, its not like i can really tell i wasnt staring myself in the face the whole time

sigh.

I just wanna be an useful member of society someday

#homophobia #biphobia #abusive father #feelings #abuse #tw: abuse

5 notes · View notes

jiemba · 7 years ago

Text

Sanvers Week Day 3 - “You’re Drunk”

Ahhh, this was so rushed and not great, so sorry! This week is a challenge but I’m loving it.

Cw: mentions of internalised and external homophobia, biphobia, racial and anti-LGBT slurs Maggie had told her that for a while, everything would be shiny. And it was. God, it was. Every kiss had felt like coming home. Suddenly she was constantly noticing people on the subway who she suspected could be gay. Her friends had all laughed when Maggie mercilessly crushed Winn at pool. She’d unlocked a huge part of herself, figured herself out, and maybe now that she had this piece, things would come easy. But now? Now there were cracks in the surface, and Maggie wasn’t perfect, and their relationship wasn’t perfect, and their community wasn’t perfect. Of the three, the last was the one that surprised her. Alex has said it more than once – that coming out had made her feel like a kid again – but it wasn’t just her attraction to Maggie that was destabilising. It was also her new-found cluelessness, the feelings and identities she was only just learning all the big words for, the rawness of the emotions she’d unwittingly buried for years without ever knowing it. Alex has always prided her on being a quick study (something Maggie had been jokingly praising her for in bed lately), but even she found the process of discovering a new community, a new history, overwhelming. A lot of what she learned felt like someone handing her scissors after a life of trying to tear things open with her teeth. But some of it? Some of it made her scared. Some of it made her ashamed. She was letting it get the better of her one night at the bar, several whiskey shots deep after straight losses at pool, when it first came up. “Are you mad at me?” she’d asked Maggie. “What? Why?” “Because I’m not a gold star?” Maggie narrowed her eyes, leaned against the pool table. “Where’d you learn that term, Danvers?”

“The internet. I’ve been researching. It came up a lot, so it must be important right? To be a gold star? I mean you are, obviously.” “It’s not important, Alex.” “I promise I didn’t mean it,” Alex apologised, her stance unsteady. “I was blackout drunk for half of them, I swear. I don’t even know why I… God, I was so stupid, but I was just trying to be normal – not that you’re not normal, you’re perfect, but -” “Alex, listen to me,” Maggie told her, taking her face in her hands as M’gann subtly brought over some water and slipped away. “You know how everyone always assumes you’re straight? Well you were trained from birth to assume that you were straight too. That shit is loud, and sometimes you can go your whole life without hearing yourself think. You weren’t stupid. It wasn’t you.” Alex shook her head, tears on the brink of falling. “You didn’t listen, though. You’re a good lesbian. A real one.” “No, sweetie…” “I’m so sorry,” Alex wept. “I should have figured it out sooner, so I could be good for you, you can do so much better -” “Babe, enough,” Maggie murmured, kissing her hair and pulling her into a hug. “You have nothing to apologise for. It’s real. You’re real.” Once Alex’s breathing slowed, and Maggie made her sip some water, the room started to feel malleable. Not quite there. “I’m dizzy.” Maggie chuckled, stroking her love’s hair. “Yeah, that’s what happens.” “I’m sorry I got all… I drank too much, I’m not thinking straight.” She stopped, laughed to herself. “Ha, get it? Coz I’m gay.” “You’re drunk. Come on, babe, let me take you home.” Alex giggled, blushing. “Pretty lady wants to take me home.” “Not like that, Danvers. To bed. Let’s go.” That was the night Alex learned the word “heteronormative” – really understood it – and when Maggie sat her on her bed and untied her shoes, Alex felt herself implode, felt herself sobbing, grieving that she’d lost so much time, remembering every example of relationships in her family, every movie she’d ever seen, every song she’d ever heard, every couple who’d kissed openly in front of her, and just knew that she’d never had a chance. Not really. Other words were harder to get used to. She’d only known “queer” as in weird. Queer as in different. Queer as in wrong. She remembered the sound of it like a locker slamming shut, seeing the only gay boy in her school, in her town, move to the city. So whenever Maggie said she wanted to take her to a queer art show, or queer film festival, or went to see a queer friend, Alex had to unlearn her flinches. She had to unlearn the clench in her gut when she was in that corner of National City she’d never spent time in, seeing rainbow flags above the windows of cafés, because why do they have to get in people’s faces about it, can’t they keep it to themselves like everyone else, can’t they just stay quiet, quiet, quiet, and Alex tried to force the blush out of her face, knowing she’d almost rather the concrete swallow her whole than follow Maggie into a place that…obvious. She didn’t want to be that sort of lesbian, she thought – one who shaved her head the second she came out and only hung out in this neighbourhood and only had gay friends. No. She was going to be subtle. Palatable. Normal. So when Kara gleefully brought her rainbow cupcakes on her 6 month coming out anniversary, Alex baulked, she froze, stammered out a “You really didn’t have to”, and Maggie smiled knowingly, rubbing her back as the three of them ate together. Because Maggie knew more than most how hard it was to shake off shame when it was as familiar as your skin. After Kara left, Alex learned the term “internalised homophobia”, and broke down in tears, in apologies, under the weight of feeling like she was part of the problem. She was only just beginning to realise how invisible their culture was. How she couldn’t remember the last time she saw a couple like them holding hands. How when she tried to think of a lesbian movie for Netflix night with Maggie, she didn’t know any. In the end, it was Kara who did a lot of the research. She’d send her interesting Autostraddle articles and collected all the gayest movie choices for sister night. When Alex admitted she didn’t know any gay music, Kara made her a mix tape of artists she’d googled, and the first time Alex listened to “Sleepover” by Hayley Kiyoko with her eyes shut, she was 16 in Vicki Donahue’s bed again. But if she was honest, Alex couldn’t make it through a full Tegan and Sara song, let alone a full episode of the L Word, and maybe that made her a bad lesbian. It was about a month later that she stumbled across a copy of Against Me’s Transgender Dysphoria Blues album in the punk section of her favourite record store, her breath catching when she realised that both she and the lead singer were closeted when she was obsessed with this band as a teen. In the car ride on the way home, she almost wanted to cry hearing Laura’s voice, just as pure and angry as it’s always been, but somehow truer now, and suddenly her older songs made a lot more sense. Once she was a little more comfortable being in queer spaces, Maggie brought her by her gym to meet the owners Khaleela and Marisol for the first time. There was something incredibly tender about the way Sol, all buzzed hair and swagger, smiled almost shyly at her wife even after all these years, helping her fix the pins of her scarf (“Sorry, guys, I’m having such a bad hijab day”), and Alex noticed that she was…well… pretty. She asked Maggie about it later – what was the deal with girls liking butch lesbians? At a certain point wasn’t it almost like dating a guy? If they liked being masculine so much, why didn’t they transition? Maggie was patient with her, explaining that there were a lot of different ways to be a woman, that no matter what she wore Sol still has that same heart, that she still went to bed at night knowing she was a woman, and Alex nodded slowly through it all. The next time they saw Sol, she was sporting a black eye and bruised knuckles, and that was how Alex learned the term “passing privilege”. Her first few times at a gay bar were just as challenging, a confusing blend of euphoric moments of recognition and confusing interactions with people she’d never really been allowed to associate with growing up. Maggie had to teach her that it was OK to ask about pronouns, but more invasive questions were considered impolite in their culture. That drag wasn’t anything weird, but that gender expression and gender identity were entirely different things. Maggie always seemed to bump into four or five acquaintances every time they went out, and Alex had the sense that there was a family out there she still wasn’t quite part of yet – that she maybe wasn’t ready for. She was embarrassed by her age, her lack of knowledge and experience, all the in-jokes she didn’t get. But when a guy raised his eyebrows at her for not knowing what “cisgender” meant (“Where’d you find this one, Maggie?”), she instantly had a group of guys tell him to back off, kindly explaining the answer, buying her a drink and welcoming her to QBar. Still, so much from those nights made no sense to her. Like how each bar seemed overwhelmingly catered towards men, save for a couple nights a week when they had girl parties. How when she drunkenly helped her new friend Jin swipe through his Grindr one night to a barrage of no fats, no fems, no rice, no curry, no blacks, no trannies, no uncut, she just didn’t understand, couldn’t understand, why people would type that so brazenly. How Maggie asked her friend Ash about her boyfriend (Did they let straight girls in here? Was there a rule?) only to later see a too-drunk girl lean over the bar and snarl at her, “Why are you even here? Shouldn’t you be off sucking cock somewhere?” Alex had taken the crying woman outside to get some air while Maggie sorted out her abuser, with no idea what just happened. “She’s bi,” Maggie said after Ash decided to head home, by way of explanation. “Oh. I’m sorry, I just assumed -” “Yeah it’s easy to do that,” Maggie admitted. “That other girl was her ex. Saying shit like that is why she’s an ex, pretty much. Got way too paranoid, doesn’t believe bi girls dating guys deserve to be in the community, yada yada. Some people are like that.” Alex sighed, leaned against the brick of the alley. “Every time I think I’m starting to get on top of everything, I realise I know nothing. The community isn’t what I expected. I didn’t think there’d be so much infighting.” Maggie nodded, smiling sadly. “It’s just like any other family, I guess. I mean you’re fortunate that you’re white, you’re cis, you’re rich, you can pass when you have to, but for other people it’s not that easy. Whatever prejudices people have outside the community get brought in too. We’re not perfect. We have a lot to work on. But these people took me in when I had no one, I’ll always owe them my life. But we do have to make the community better, make sure it’s a safe place for the people coming in now.” She stepped in to kiss her girlfriend’s cheek. “Come on. Let me take you back inside and show you how fun we can be when ignorant dickheads aren’t around.” And she did, and they danced and danced and danced, with old friends and new, Alex revelling in the freedom of kissing her girlfriend and knowing that no one was staring, that no one would hurt them, and that everyone in the room understood. On nights like that, being openly gay felt like having the lights turned on after years stumbling through her own house in the dark. But it wasn’t always like that. It could be messy, and uncomfortable, and felt a lot more like going backwards than forwards some days, being made to remember parts of her youth she’d forced away.

Like at a spring lunch with Eliza, when Kara had made the mistake of bringing up that National City Pride was just a few weeks away. “You’re not thinking of going, are you, Alexandra?” she’d chuckled over a glass of wine. “You know I’ve always supported you, sweetie, but I just don’t see why they need to shout about it, you know? They can get married now, I don’ know why they can’t just enjoy their relationships in peace like the rest of us.” Under the table, Alex had squeezed Kara’s hand tight. “I- I haven’t thought about it yet,” she lied, suddenly remembering that Eliza had made similar comments when she was growing up, full of half-support that had always made her feel uncomfortable without knowing why. The community talked so much about pride, but Alex didn’t know what that meant. She didn’t understand it. Kara had told her, in her darkest moment after Maggie first rejected her, that she was proud of her - but how could that be true, when all her life she’d never done anything right, never been enough, and this was just another thing that was fundamentally wrong about her? How could she have failed this badly at knowing herself, so blind to her own heart? How could she have been so stupid? How could she go to Pride, when she was still carrying so much shame, when she was still scared to hold Maggie’s hand in some neighbourhoods, when even naming herself as a lesbian, out loud, still made her breathless? As soon as her mother left, Alex called Maggie as Kara washed the dishes. “Maybe mom’s right.” “She’s not, babe.” “Maybe she is. I dunno, I just…” Alex choked, tears starting to sting her eyes. “I don’t feel...” “It’s OK, babe, take your time.” “I just…I’m not like you, Maggie. I’m not confident in this yet, and I’m proud of you, I’m proud of us, I am - I don’t want you to feel like I don’t love you, but… I’ve been out for almost a year and I still have days where I feel unworthy from the inside out and I don’t know why, like nothing’s happened, but I just… Maybe I don’t deserve to go to Pride. Maybe I don’t belong there.” “Babe, I’ll never push you into anything you don’t feel you’re ready for,” Maggie assured her. “But it’s exactly for that reason that we have Pride. To come together. To keep each other strong, even when we don’t feel strong. To celebrate how far we’ve come, as a community. God, when we were born, Pride was still a funeral. Fifteen years ago I truly believed I was going to hell. A year ago you weren’t even out. But now, so much has changed, and laws have changed. I can kiss you in the street and I can love you and I want to show the world that. I want to fight for the things we still don’t have. With you.” “I want that too,” Alex wept, chuckling a little through her tears. “Were you a nervous wreck at your first Pride?” “Of course I was, Ally. Can you imagine? A small town kid like me, in a crowd like that? It was a whirlwind. I desperately needed that family but I was scared they wouldn’t accept me. Parts of it were really emotional. But overall I was just amazed at how many people there were who were like me. It was the first time since coming out that I truly felt I wasn’t alone. It was beautiful. Every year I still feel that. And I want that for you. But only if you’re ready.” In the end, Alex promised that she’d think about it. Maybe it was Kara’s excitement rubbing off on her, but as the weeks passed, Alex found herself unable to sleep thinking of what it would be like, for the first time in her life, to stand in a sea of people like her. To finally dismantle that deep-seated idea in her head that she wasn’t normal. Because life was too short. And she should be who she was. And she should kiss the girl she wanted to kiss. And she should do it with pride. There were so many moments in the last year that did make her feel proud. Whenever Maggie introduced her to someone as her girlfriend. Whenever she got to kiss her in public without anyone saying anything. Whenever they were at the bar, J’onn or James betting money on her girl. The day itself, like Maggie promised, was a whirlwind. There were pre-drinks and selfies and glitter and potstickers at Kara’s place, Alex weeping when her sister made her a flower crown for her first ever Pride. The subway ride over was the most colourful Alex had ever seen. “There are this many of us?” she asked Maggie, not seeing a single person who wasn’t holding a rainbow flag or covered in glitter or both. “I know, right?” Maggie replied, beaming. “Where do they go the rest of the year?” “They’re around. Just not always easy to see.” The whole carriage broke into an already drunken chorus of She Keeps Me Warm as someone played guitar, and Maggie kissed her shoulder. She took a pen out of her back pocket, wrote on the inside of Alex’s forearm, Even on the days you find it hard to be proud, I will always be proud of you. A love heart. X’s and O’s. Then, like a cracking levee, Alex let herself feel it all. Wrapped in the arms of her love, her sister, her friends, Alex wept, grieving for the time she lost, for the pain she suffered. She let Maggie kiss away her tears, telling her she was beautiful, she was perfect, the was strong, she was loved. Next year, she promised herself, there would be no tears. Only dancing. Only joy. Only love. Nothing could have prepared her for the doors opening in the city centre, the whole downtown area completely awash with colour, with music, with kisses, and between moments of being overwhelmed, Alex could only laugh. Because Kara blushing over a dancing shirtless James was the funniest thing she’d ever seen, and Winn getting his groove on was impossibly funnier, and she was young and in love. Because Maggie Sawyer was holding her hand. Maggie was dancing with her in the middle of the road. Maggie was pinning her against lampposts, fixing her flower crown, kissing her way to her ear and telling her how she loved her, loved her, loved her.

Her tiny powerhouse of a girlfriend, in short shorts and a backwards snapback, bare legs wrapped around Alex and she piggybacked her down the street to the after party. Through it all, Alex couldn’t stop thinking about how just a year ago, she never could have imagined she would end up here - covered in a dozen different people’s glitter, dancing in the street, hopelessly in love. And yes, maybe her sense of pride wasn’t constant yet. Maybe it would come slowly. But with the most beautiful girl at Pride on her back, she knew she would find her peace, however long it took. Because when Maggie kissed her cheek and murmured “Happy Pride, beautiful”, the world had truly never shined so bright.

#sanversweek #day3 #sanvers #alex danvers #maggie sawyer

116 notes · View notes