#but considering the intrusive thoughts and shit ive been dealing with the past few weeks maybe that shouldn't be a surprise
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Screams
#delete later#i know that im not functioning like normal. but i still feel like im lying to managers. i feel like i should just have said that im a lazy#piece of shit who doesn't want to work and couldnt be bothered to do the things i need to#which is partially true. but i logically know is only true bc im struggling. i know this bc i dont have enjoyment for anything right now#which is why i cant make myself care. its why i havent been able to make anything in weeks. its why im struggling to eat and take#care of myself. bc thr way I motivate myself is by convincing myself that i enjoy whatever im doing. and i cant right now. which#feels shit. and still feels like I'm lying to them. and the burning shame that comes with trying to deal with it on my own and failing#i feel so guilty and like a piece of shit for making my managers life harder. and then feel even worse that i had to dump my#stupid brain shit on her. its also wild that i haveny cried since the funeral and now i just keep crying every half hour or so#but considering the intrusive thoughts and shit ive been dealing with the past few weeks maybe that shouldn't be a surprise#i just havent had a break from it all since September. and it sucks. and I know im throwing a pity party and its not fair on#anyone else bc mu shit is fucking them up. but im stuck in it now!#im also listening to my cheer up playlist and hey crying whilst hearing a town cslled malice is an odd vibe
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