#but concider: its an outlet

[nougat-rockrozma]

pov: you're basil

heyyyyyyy y   im back from camp stuff and school stuff

here is a delinquent sunny (and kinda auby) by @taigataii and @mikkokomori! (but with a kinda... “headspace-y” spin on the design lol) 

started working on it last week but no access to it for awhile ;-;

[xkill-joyx]

i miss the peak of my sh addiction. its selfish and disgusting but i miss the satisfactory burn on my skin. i always wonder what would have happened if i never went to the bathroom that specific day, or never broken than bobby pin. fuck even before that, what if i had never rubbed the eraser across my skin or scrubbed my arm until it hurt. what if i never pinched myself so hard it bruised every time i was yelled at. or pressed on my pulses until my vision went dark to calm my breathing down. how far back does it go? is it the first time i intentionally scratched myself or was i doomed from the very moment i was too emotionally overdrived to breathe properly. was i made with an inability to cope? to process my own feelings? whatever. i miss ripping my skin. it felt good at a certain point. the endorphines sent to my child mind was too good. once an addict always an addict, not in the way that you cant be clean, but in a way that doing it again is concidered a relapse and not just beinn curious again. if i do it again its a relapse and not something new. its not a sudden and unbelievable thing. its a pattern that was broken for some time. simple, every day things will always be tainted with blood in my eyes. i cant look at a mirror without my arms getting itchy. fuck i cant even hold a hair pin without wanting to pocket it for later. every day it gets harder to hide the empty feeling on my skin. its too plain, too bland. where is the texture, the burn, the colors. i want to be constantly aware of what skin is showing. i want to be scared to wear short sleeves. i want to wear sweaters in ungodly weather. i want to hold my arms in a way that hides the inside. its not a coping thing anymore. its not an outlet. its an addiction.