#but by then it's too late. neil is his and andrew doesnt want to let him go

[fortheloveofexy]

YAY! THE RETURN OF OMEGA DREW

He's been in my mind palace all along 💆‍♂️🧠 I think about him so much, it's a disease.

[meanminyxrd]

believe but its ab a redheaded runaway

alright so today i’m tackling ‘believe’ by hollywood undead. i think the vibes can fit both andrew and neil, but moreso neil in this connotation. as always, book spoilers ahead. i’ve been forgetting to put that lately.

let’s start w the chorus and opening of the song:

I can't believe that when I breathe

There's something good inside of me, just one good thing inside

So close to me, that memory

Of that one good thing inside of me, just one good thing inside of me, yeah

neil is, inherently, a selfish person before he gets attached to the foxes. think ab it: he cares only for his survival and nothing more, nothing less. that takes a certain type of apathy towards other people, which was taught to him by his mother. stay disconnected, stay safe. care for no one but yourself. when he starts seeing that the foxes care for him, and he’s just... playing them, essentially—lying to them about who he is and where he’s come from—he acknowledges that they’re never going to forgive him for ditching them later on in the year; specifically andrew, because he promised andrew he would stay. he feels like a bad person but it’s what he has to do to live. he wants to stay and play exy and be able to focus on something other than survival for once, but he knows it’s all just a play in his head. in the end its about his survival.

If I ran out the backdoor, nobody would stop me, but where would I go?

'Cause I ain't ever had a real home, so what do I know?

So I could keep running, hide until they find me, but what would that do?

If they could only know what I knew, what would it prove?

I should've seen the writing on the wall, instead I'm left to fall

'Cause the longer I'm away, the more we stay the same

Looking back, would've thought I knew it all

Instead I'm left to fall, did I throw it all away?

neil is a runaway. it’s how he’s managed to survive this long; running away and keeping on the move to avoiding his father’s men tracking him down. never leaving a trail, never staying anywhere for too long and never making any connections. when he leaves, there’s no one there to stop him both physically and metaphorically. no connections means he isn’t held back emotionally or by someone forcing him to stay. he’s never really had a home, being on the run his whole life. its all about survival, but neil signs the contract to palmetto, right? he knows he could keep running to stay safe but really, what would that do? is that really living? he wants to open up to people im sure, but what would that prove to them? in his mind it would just show that he was a bad person—dangerous. keeping kevin around is one thing; kevin is an exy star. he’s worth it. but neil? neil is nothing. why would they risk their life for a nobody?

saying he should have seen the writing on the wall alludes to all the hints that his father’s men left that they were closing in on him, however he ignored it just to be able to stay a little longer—play a little longer. instead he ignored it and fell. looking back on it he thought he had a handle on it and would be able to get away or at the very least accept his death, but it actually hurts. he got attached without realizing. and now he’s wondering if any of it was worth it. is this worth losing his life for? or, did he do enough w his time with the foxes and with andrew? or did he throw away that time for nothing?

Don't you know, little boy, they'll lay you to waste, man?

Little do they know every song has a lifespan

Never taken one, but I'm taking my last chance

To hold all we know and let go with both hands

So don't you know the clouds are made from concrete?

Right through the stone, can you hear my heartbeat?

Beats through my bones like the memory left me

Not for a second or a minute when I dream

I wanna go home like the home that I keep

You can dig six or sixty-six feet

‘don’t you know, little boy, they’ll lay you to waste, man?’ his father’s men want him dead and he knows that. they’re who he’s been outrunning his entire life (and i suppose the yakuza but he didn’t know that.) he knows attention is being drawn towards him by being in the public eye, so this is like he’s mocking himself, because he knows he’s taking a very big unnecessary risk. he’s never taken a chance in his life before because its always been about survival. but this time he is taking a chance. he’s taking a chance by joining the palmetto state foxes. but by taking this chance it is metaphorically the last chance he’ll ever take, because at this point he’s 99% sure he’s gonna end up dead by the end of it all. ‘dont you know the clouds are made of concrete?’ referencing that the only way out for him is by death. whether by someone else’s hand or his own. the only way this whole catastrophe is going to end in him being ‘at peace’ or ‘in heaven’ ie the clouds, is if he’s killed. digging 6 or 66 feet down implies ‘6 feet under’, again a death metaphor.

We could live forever, still your misery missed me

Hold this song together with a bottle of whiskey

Look into the mirror at the lines that time drew

See them painted white and the eyes that shine through

My heart beats heavy in an open chest

And I wanna say goodbye, but there's nobody left

he could have gone to his dad and flipped everything on his mom instead, or run off to live with his uncle, but the anger that his father had missed neil. yes, neil had his father’s temper, but his father was tainted with misery that neil didn’t get and he didn’t want any part in the crime scene of things. ‘look into the mirror at the lines that time drew, see them painted white and teh eyes that shine through.’ this part to me is in the mirror after the nest, when neil is first really seeing his scars, ‘the lines that time drew’ would reference like old age lines stereotypically, but in neil’s case i see it a reference to his scars because that’s what marks time for him—his scars. the scars that his dad and his dad’s men left. the scars that riko left. the scars he has just from living. the ‘eyes that shine through’ is because neil no longer has his contacts. when wymack gets him from the airport he has nothing of his disguise left. and god, is he tired of running. his heart is so heavy. he wants to be able to say goodbye to someone when he dies, but there’s no one left. his mom is dead and he has no connections other than, now, the foxes. but being in this mindset of its him vs everyone, he’s alone. he cant say goodbye to anyone but himself.

I broke it all, and I put it to the test

Put your hand on mine, and feel this emptiness

There's no beat in my chest 'cause there's nothing left

No, it ain't goodbye, it's a last caress

What's another dream? You can hardly sleep

Can you believe bad things only happen to me?

God knows one day you will finally see

That scars will heal but were meant to bleed

neil, by making these decisions, broke every self imposed rule he had for himself to stay safe. he broke the rules his mother had set in place prior to her death, and he tested the limits. he chanced trusting, if just a little. he chanced making a connection. specifically, with andrew. so this part is really andreil heavy for me. let me explain why.

this part is almost like the locker room scene when his father’s men were being security guards and he knew he no longer stood any chance. he says goodbye to andrew in that moment, and this last part is a big goodbye message to me.

he’s empty. he’s out of fight. he cant fight or he would risk the foxes lives too. there’s nothing left inside of him. he says thank you to andrew as a goodbye, but it’s not a goodbye, no, it’s a last touch, one last joy to share even if it’s small. ‘whats another dream? you can hardly sleep.’ what’s the loss of something you lose all the time? what’s the loss of something that doesnt matter? neil doesnt think he matters to andrew, and so what will his loss mean, if anything? why would andrew care? the ‘can you believe bad things only happen to me?’ is a mocking quote if anything; bad things have followed neil around his whole life, and though statistically its not true only bad things happen to him, it sure feels like he’s got the worst of it. and even in the off chance that andrew does miss him, the emotional scars will heal, even if it does hurt. because neil doesnt think he matters as much to andrew as he really does.

Do you realize I would lie for you?

Please, have my last breath, I would die for you

I know I'm no good, but my heart beats true

You know I'm gonna fight, though I might be scared to lose

You took me in, and I fucked it up again

An empty promise? No, I won't pretend

'Cause in the end we need someone to solve 'em

Nobody can fix me if I'm part of the problem

he would give everything to protect the foxes. he cares about them more than he’d like to admit. he may seem distant, but do they realize how far he’s willing to go to ensure their safety? first he went to the nest to protect them, right? now he’s literally going off to his death to keep them safe. he would lie for them, he would die for them; he would throw away everything he could and couldn’t have for them. he doesnt believe hes a good person, for putting them all in this situation, but he’s trying his best. his heart has the best intentions for the foxes. in that ‘goodbye’ to andrew, he conveys so much, and andrew obviously catches on that it’s a goodbye. but neil conveys that he’s gonna fight, even if he’s scared he’s gonna lose, even if he knows he’s gonna lose. andrew took him in after everything; after being sus of neil and then neil telling him half truths, and yet he’s fucking everything up again by going off to die. and empty promise? there isnt an empty failed promise because he made andrew break off the deal beforehand. in the end, andrew was the one who was helping to fix him. the connection he formed with andrew made him feel like he had a shot; like maybe they could outwit his father and he would be safe. however, this whole situation including himself couldn’t be fixed because he is a part of the problem. he blames himself for the foxes being a target so to keep them safe he will go off w his father’s men and remove the issue. no one can fix him and keep him safe if he’s the dangerous one.

uhhh yeah i hope you liked my breakdown! here’s neil’s playlist if you’re curious for more! see ya next time.

[dailyandrewandaaron]

I have always wondered if/how aaron asks andrew to be his best man??? Thoughts???

yes absolutely he does ! 

also this gave me flashbacks to my first ever fic and i was like ah yikes 

idk if this one is better but hopefully 

/ 

“Andrew “ Aaron voice “about the wedding”

“Dont keep going on “ Andrew growled down the phone “ I said  ill  be there, all right. “

“ Theres something I wanted to talk to you about”

“I know I know “ he said bored “ don’t say anything do don’t do anything “

“ what if “ Aaron gulped “what if I wanted you to”

“what do you mean?” andrew questioned.

“ what if I wanted you to do something?” Aaron asked nervously.

There was a pause “you’ve change your mind” Andrew guessed. 

“ I suppose I have” Aaron confirmed.

“so you want me to stop this, is that it  ? “ Andrew said.

“  No, no, no!” aaron yelped “ of course not! Thats not want I meant “

“Then what did you mean? speak plainly “

“ Ive decided .. realised  I ..  I need your help.”

“with what exactly?”

The was a lengthy silence before Aaron continued “ kates parents are coming her sisters .. aunts uncles    her fucking grandma Andrew ..everyone  

“ and ? “  the silence that followed made Andrew think that the phone had cut off “Aaron?”

Aaron sighed “ no ones coming Andrew”

“Lots of people are coming .you just said so . sistsers aunts grandma…”

“ Theyre coming for her , not for me. No ones coming for me .  Ive haven’t got anyone. No family , not the foxes no one “ he admitted gloomily  

“ we’ll be there,” andrew insisted “ now stop bothering me about it.”

“ Whos we ?” Aaron asked there was a slight hope in his voice

“ Me and Neil

“ oh . Neil .  “ he considered “ well  I suppose thats better than nobody.”

“was that all ?”

“ No . I … dont hang up yet …Andrew ?

“ yes.”

“ will you  … will you be my best man?”

“ Are you sure about this?” Andrew returned

“No one else has  ever stuck with me so long . through all that . through everything “

“I meant about me.” said Aaron

"So did I.  I mean who else I am going to ask?  I dont even know if anyones turning up .Will you do it?” he pleaded wondering what to do if he said no

“ All right. Im not going to make a speech though

“ Good .”

/

Aaron had  resigned himself to the possibility of a half empty building   when he went in. “ hey “ nicky approached .

aaron smiled “ i thought you werent coming

“ nicky reached to redo his tie “ you really think we were going to miss your big day?

“we?

“ Hey kid “  said a gruff voice he turned to see wymack and abby her there and then that matt and Dan and Allison were the front row . “ renees coming with katelyn “  Dan said as she hugged him . kevin was on his other side and thumped him on the shoulder before going to sit next to his father “ im glad you all came “ he said “ I thought i was going to have talk to kates aunt”

Andrew followed him around with a distinctly  grumpy look “ you could at least pretend to be happy for me” Aaron scolded

“I am happy for you “ Andrew answered halfheartedly 

“you dont look very happy “ 

Andrew tugged at his shirt collar “Its not too late” he said in conspiratorial whisper . “ we could just  sneak out,  take the cake ,go home now.”

“No , we couldn't” said aaron sternly “whats the matter with you?”

“ im losing you “ he said quietly

 “ im not going anywhere.  im getting married not dying .”

“  It wont be the same . you wont need me anymore.”

“ ill always need you “ he said honestly “ but im ready do things on my own now.   you dont have to worry about me anymore.  this is a good thing , its a happy day  okay ?”

“okay

“kate would never hurt me”

“okay”

“ Theyre late “ aaron said .His hands clasped and unclasped . “ You dont think she changed her mind , do you  He paced  up and down as excitement toward to panic and then humiliation and heartbreak. Shes not coming is she “ he blurted  out  as the time went on the chatter turned to anxious whispers “ she doesn’t want to marry me

“Did you ask her “ said Andrew

“ Of course I asked her .” aaron snapped

“ and she said she yes , when you asked her

“ obviously she did  or I wouldn’t’ve …“

“ do you know most of those people” Andrew waved a hand towards Katelyn’s  collection of relatives

“Not that well . they are her family and-”

“ and they came here for no reason?”

“ I suppose not.”

“ Then she’ll be here.” Andrew promised him “because if she doesnt show -”

The doors opened  and Andrew watched his brothers face soften and the anxiety melt away as Katelyn finally came in . she had flowers in her hair and on her dress and had one arm linked to through her fathers and the other hand clinging tightly to Renee. she was already crying  as her sisters followed her down the isle . he watched as there was light and love in his eyes and pure joy in hers .suddenly it was hard to hate her but he still didn’t want to let go of Aaron just yet so he stayed by his side until she retched him .

“ Hello Katelyn “  andrew greeted her coldly but she smiled at him . she didnt remember him ever using her actual name before . “ thank you “ said quietly “ for coming she added but that wasnt entirely what she meant .  Andrew nodded slightly“ This doesnt mean you like me I know” she teased warmly bringing herself up to her full height showing the few inches she had over both twins .

“of course not.” Andrew said stubbornly but it was without the venom she been accustomed  to hearing from him and he wiped her eyes before gently pressing Aarons hand into hers. “ No refunds “ he said . she gave him the softest smile he had ever seen and then gave Aaron’s hand a tight squeeze.

Andrew’s eyes flicker to Neil’s, who’s blue eyes are fixed on his own not the couples .There was love there too . Andrew  wondered if Aaron would be there for him when they got married he hoped so. Neil smiled slyly and nodded. Andrew winked back at him.  “I promised I wouldn’t make a speech” he said “ but you see- i’ve changed my mind  “ Aaron groaned loudly and Katelyn laughed.

[wesawbears]

Would you consider writing andreil with neil hating that people call andrew a monster and kind of blows up after keeping it bottled in and then maybe a littlr bit later they witness andreil being cute with each other mainly andrew being nice to neil (cause lets face it in his own way he is) and theyre kinda like fuck neil is right about how andrew treats him (just cause he doesnt like other people doesnt mean hes a bad boyfriend)

It’s been ages since I wrote Andreil, so I hope I’m not too rusty! Enjoy!

--

Neil loved his family. They kept him moving and let him be who he was, no questions asked. The treated him like he was their equal and like nothing from his past mattered. With them, all that mattered was who he was on the court. Neil Josten.

Which is what made it so fucking annoying when they didn’t extend the same courtesy to Andrew.

Andrew, who had saved their asses on the court more than a few times. Andrew, who kept Neil grounded when all he wanted to do was run. Andrew, who made promises and never once faltered.

Neil could take a lot. What bothered him more was the fact that Andrew didn’t give a damn what they said about him. Still, he knew Andrew didn’t want Neil to fight his battles for him, so he kept his mouth shut.

As finals drew closer, though, Neil felt his nerves growing thinner and thinner and he knew a break in his short temper was inevitable.

It came one day at lunch, as he picked at at his sandwich and reviewed some equations while trying to ignore the freshman at his table. His head snapped up, though, at the mention of Andrew’s name.

“I asked him to move his racquet off of my locker and he just stared at me until I walked away. It was so weird. What is his damage, anyway?”

Neil sighed audibly in what he hoped was a subtle attempt to get them to shut up, since he already didn’t like the attention that came from being vice-captain and didn’t want to attract any more.

True to form, though, Jack couldn’t resist opening his mouth at the worst times. If he wasn’t such an asshole, Neil bet Andrew would compare them. “You better just steer clear of him altogether. They don’t call him the monster for nothing. He’d probably slam your skull into the wall for fun if you gave him the chance.”

Neil didn’t look away from his book as he said, very civilly, “Shut the fuck up, Jack.”

Of course, though, Jack just smirked and went on, “Wow, Cap. I know you have a lot of problems, but I didn’t know Stockholm Syndrome was one of them. Or is it just that he’s the only one demented enough to enjoy looking at your fucked up face?”

Neil closed his book in a way that he thought showed great restraint considering how he was imagining Jack’s neck was between the pages. “Jack. I understand that your constant need for my attention stems from a lack of intimacy in your childhood. Honestly, though, that’s par for the course on this team, so it doesn’t give you any special privileges. So I highly suggest that you remember that if I or Andrew thought you were worth taking care of, we are more than capable of doing so. As such, you don’t even register on his radar because seven months in, you have yet to score on him. Find a new hobby. I’m bored.”

He didn’t bother to wait for Jack’s response before getting up and walking away.

--

Brynn walked quickly, cursing how far away the stadium was from the dorms. It felt like everyone on this team had a car except her, which usually wasn’t a big deal except for right now, when she forgot her phone at the stadium and didn’t realize it until 11 PM. She didn’t ask anyone because she figured if Neil ran there sometimes, how far could it really be?

She had seriously miscalculated.

Once she finally got to the stadium, she punched in the security code and headed for the locker room, hoping someone was in there cleaning or something so she wouldn’t have to break in. Before she made it there, though, she heard the sound of voices coming from the guys’ locker room.

“My hand is fine, Andrew.”

“Then you won’t mind me looking at it.”

Shit. She hadn’t banked on anyone being here this late, let alone them, but in retrospect, it figured. She pressed herself against the wall and stayed very still to listen.

A bored voice said, “Learning curve. Non-existent.”

“You knew that going in.”

“Why do I put up with you?”

“My pretty face?”

“Mm. Except for your mouth.”

“Really? I can think of a few exceptions.”

“Stop talking.”

At the sound of them kissing, she let out an involuntary squeak. They stopped as she clapped her hand over her mouth and scrambled to move away from the door. She trembled a bit as Andrew came out of the locker room, but he didn’t seem concerned with her so much as keeping a hand out to shield Neil in case of danger. She had never thought of him as needing protecting, but if this was the side of Andrew Neil saw, she could sort of understand.

Once Neil came into the doorway, he immediately switched into Captain mode. “Brynn? What are you doing here this late?”

“My-my phone. I, uh, left my phone in the locker room.”

Neil sighed. “I’ll unlock it for you and then we’ll give you a ride home.”

She expected Andrew to protest and leave her to walk home, but he just headed off in the direction of the parking lot. As they went to join him, Brynn timidly said, “I’m sorry for what we said about him at lunch the other day.”

Neil shrugged. “Jack’s an asshole. I’m not counting on him getting better. But it’s nothing I didn’t expect.”

She nodded and stayed quiet the rest of the walk. And if on the drive home, if she saw Andrew’s gaze turn to Neil thought to herself that she’d misjudged them both, she kept it to herself.

[dailyandrewandaaron]

 For @autumnalpalmetto 

Aaron stayed hidden  in that tent away from the people  for a long time . he was  waiting for the right moment .  He was glad he came alone with no one to pry but at the same time he wishes now someone else had come with  him. Someone to tell  him it was okay and that he had nothing to fear .

He finds it . pulled it out from the bottom of the box. Familiar. This is want he wants.

Black ,grey, white purple.

He leaves . buys a beer and downs it. Dutch courage . he comes back . He wants until the queue was gone. Plays a second round of pretending. Pretending he is looking for something else. He isn’t. he watches the smile on the womans face as he hesitantly holds it up . 

This is what he wants . this is what hes here for. She sees that . It sings in his hands buy me buy me. Im yours. Im for you. He doesn’t think then what he would think later . what will I do with this? Where will I hide it?.

It’s in his bag now. And it stays there. He doesnt get it out. doesn’t show people but he holds it close. 

It is a thing that’s says the way you are is okay. Life didn’t do this to you. It is something he needs . And still he hid it. He hides it now. And it will continue to be hidden. Hide your treasure. He scrubbed the glitter off his face peeled the stickers away. Hid the flag. Words were heavy and exhausting. He didn’t have the answers to the questions he didn’t have an explanation. It just was right. It just was. Let me be. Let me be.

Quite by chance he recognised his cousin among the crowd .  nicky . Aaron  comes towards him and  then stops dead. Realising its definitely nicky the smile slips off his face . “Aaron?” Aaron swallows heavily .  he wants to escape but its too late . He’d picked this day to come especially because he knew that nobody would be at home so that nobody had to  know where he;d been  but of course nicky would here, of course. Anxiety rose in his throat . what happens now ? what happens? What do I say ? what do I do?

Nicky sees  the glitter on his cheeks sees something purple clutched in his cousins hands  it disappears in an instant  “ hey Aaron “ nicky said brightly “ if I knew you were coming I would’ve waited for you “ aaron stays frozen.  A million half baked excuses come to mind ,the music,the food , It was somewhere to be anywhere but home  but this is nicky and what comes out is only “ please don’t tell “

“ I wont if you don’t want me too. “ nicky said soothingly Aaron relaxes and sits down “ did You eat ? “ nicky asked “do you want some chips?”  The flag doesn’t make a reappearance but Aarons smile does . he doesn’t have the answers doesn’t have an explanation but this is nicky and he doesn’t ask  he offers chips and burgers and knows he isn’t here for the band . “are you alone?”  nicky asks Aaron nods . he had told no one . “ I would’ve come with you , you know “ Aaron shrugged that would involve telling someone . Explaining . he cant do that yet he hasn’t got the words . He'll find them someday.

Andrew claimed to not have feelings but  he had seen him with neil and clearly he felt something Aaron didn’t. he knows nicky knows this feeling well too.  Aaron wants to ask what  exactly it is , what it feels like  but cant. Theres no way of doing it without awkwardness  without misunderstanding without the explanation .he doesn’t know how to. How could he explain when he barely understands it  himself?  He doesn’t know the words yet- but he has learned one. 

Asexual.

He washed the glitter away peeled off the stickers folding them up tightly  before discarding them so that nothing would betray him but he kept the flag.  rolled up and stuffed into the bottom drawer where nobody would find it. Even if they did find it he’s banking on them not knowing what it meant. they wouldn’t understand - Words were heavy and exhausting .  he wasn’t ready for them yet . Hiding is what comes naturally to Aaron.

He takes it from the drawer and puts it under his pillow. It is comfort and he wants it close. No one would see it from here he reasons. Five pounds  worth of security. He cant keep holding it like childs blanket so it goes away again and he says nothing.

Andrew burrowed deep into his brothers wardrobe. Aaron had that one shirt that he liked to steal partly because he liked the pattern but mostly because Aaron never wore it but would always recognise it as his. It annoyed him and amused Andrew. He didn’t find the shirt this time but he did find something else shoved deep down in the back. Something he didn’t know about .

Black. grey, white, purple.

He folds it gently. puts it back in its place

When Aaron gets back from his morning class, he sees Andrew wearing his shirt and goes cold all over . if he has found the shirt then he has been in the drawer . He has seen.

He wasn’t ready for this .Its too early . He was supposed to have time. He didn’t have the words yet . it wasnt meant to be like this . He was supposed to do  it. He was supposed to have the words . His panic rises as he waits for a confrontation that doesn’t come . The longer it stretches out the worse it feels .  would he even bring it up at all? Did he even care enough for that? Did he even know what it is was? Aaron is on edge the whole time . it hurts . you wouldnt think it would hurt this much but it does . He does hate me now ? 

The confrontation doesn’t come . something else does.

He finds it on his bed. A jumper . 

not  one of his or Andrews 

black grey white purple