#but as a *group* I'm included in that label bc it describes a direction of transition with common experiences

[contagious-watermelon]

why do people on here act like personal identification and personal action is the only thing that exists or could have relevance. is it the individualism or

[theclaravoyant]

hi! I was wondering about aromanticism a little bit. I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (if there even is a truly distinct line) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other? I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

(2/2) sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. not totally sure where the line is but I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their romantic partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else? sorry if this ask makes no sense but thanks in advance!

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Hi! Thanks for the ask.

For sure, it is a difficult line to draw no matter what your orientation is. I actually don’t consider myself aro, so I’ll open this to the floor for input by people with more experience than myself, but for what its worth here are my two cents:

I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (...) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other

A lot of this comes down to the definition between the people involved, but basically: the average platonic relationship doesn’t involve sexual attraction. If there is platonic friendship and sexual attraction both present, but not romantic love, this might be a ��friends with benefits” situation - which is almost always not exclusive - or, it might be something akin to a “queerplatonic” relationship.

A queerplatonic relationship is a defined/established and often exclusive relationship that people outside the relationship may observe as a romantic relationship. It is usually a couple, though it can be a group, of people who feel a strong commitment to each other without a sense of romantic love. Again, the platonic/romantic line is up to the people involved to discover for themselves, but essentially a QP is a particularly strong or deep friendship often associated with the desire to do things together that romantic couples would usually do, from sometimes involving cuddling and/or sex, through to living together and raising pets or even children together. This is why it can be very difficult to draw lines - all the lines are in our own hearts and minds!

I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

This is a common thing to feel, I think. Everybody has different comfort levels and different behaviours. For example, in some Polynesian cultures, forehead touching is a common platonic greeting whereas a lot of Western folk would see it as quite an intimate, usually romantic thing. It’s up to you to explore within yourself whether that is a comfort level or practice, or an orientation (and these things often overlap; different people and cultures have different experiences of sexuality and gender for reasons far beyond our comprehension. What you feel and how you choose to label it is very personal, though exploring other peoples’ personal stories can help you navigate).

Personally, I would see those acts or the desire for them as romantic, but not inherently sexual. I notice that you have not distinguished sexual desire/love in your question. If you have perhaps combined it into your definition of romantic love, it may be helpful for you to consider them separately. They often coexist, but not necessarily. If you are interested in exploring your own orientation or relationships, consider aromanticism and asexuality. It may be that you in fact feel strong romantic attraction, but little sexual attraction, which may be the source of some of your confusion.

sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. 

Again, this is a very common thing. In fact, in my opinion, the best and healthiest romantic attraction/relationships - especially as distinct from sexual attraction - stem from friendship on some level; otherwise, you’re probably falling for someone you don’t know or over-romanticising them which can cause trouble down the line.

This is another point toward exploring romantic and sexual attraction separately. Many “crushes” are based on physical / sexual attraction on some level, moreso than friendship, as they tend to be related to people we don’t know well. If you feel like you don’t really develop a “crush” on someone unless you know them (or feel like you do, eg. ‘knowing’ a character on a TV show might allow you to crush on that character and/or their actor) & have developed a friendship with them, you might want to look into demisexuality. It is on the ace (asexual) rather than aro spectrum but it sounds like something that might relate to your experience.

I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else

Both of what you’re referring to here comes under “queerplatonic”. As mentioned above it is a relationship that often looks like a romantic couple, but based on internal definition by the parties involved, is not actually a romantic relationship. From my research, the defining factor was commonly described as “a desire to spend one’s lives together” (but without romantic attraction). If you’re asking based on my fic Peas in a Pod, the reality is that QPs are very much like romantic relationships in the way that they, including their exclusivity, are defined by the people involved. How FitzSimmons define their QP is definitely not representative of all QPs and in fact, due to the highly committed nature of a QP, above and beyond a typical friendship, a significant majority of QPs are exclusive, just like many monogamous and even polyamorous romantic relationships.

*a slightly more complex note, if the aromantic party doesn’t want their partner to have a relationship with someone else, but the other person does want one, that’s an issue that the couple has to sort out and they may not be right for each other if that is the case. However, they can mutually agree to be exclusive, or potentially agree upon a polyamorous arrangement that balances their desires. In this case, the party with one aromantic partner and one romantic partner might identify themselves as part of both a QP, and a romantic couple, while the aromantic partner would only consider themselves part of the QP and the third party, only part of the romantic couple.

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Long story short: the line between platonic and romantic attraction is a difficult one, and we’ve been writing poems and novels and rom-coms about it for years, but in the end it’s up to each of us within ourselves. Separating platonic, romantic, and sexual attraction from each other can be helpful in exploring this and in particular, demisexuality is something you may wish to look into further, as are queerplatonic relationships. 

If you would like more information or resources, Jemma Simmons explores aromanticism in this fic, and I have included a lot of my research as well as sources themselves throughout. I’ve also been told that the narrative-ish format makes things easier to digest, for people who are exploring the subject.

I am but a humble fic writer so that’s what I have to offer, but if you’re thinking about aromanticism I recommend seeking out some aro bloggers who might help you out. Some that I know of include @unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot @just-a-funny-little-brain and @buskidsburgade. They may be willing to chat or direct you two some more aro (& maybe ace, if you think the ace spectrum might also be relevant to you) resources. And, of course, I am happy to help in any way I can.