#but anyways the image and idea of billy yearning for steve the second he rolled into hawkins

[psychdelia]

wildflower by billie eilish except it’s post s3/4 billy feeling guilty and undeserving of steve, and almost bad for nancy? a weird sense of guilt because when he first moved to hawkins he would watch them when he thought no one was looking, lonely and yearning. wanted steve to touch him like that, treat him like that, love him like he loved her. but anytime he was caught, he panicked and spewed hate. anger was safe, anger protected him. a gay teen from california in hawkins? he didn’t have anything else to resort to. but now he’s too tired to be angry at the world and too in love with steve to ever feel how he did before nearly dying. but he never quite made amends with nancy. nancy, who he wonders if steve is thinking about every time he kisses billy. who he’s been too afraid to approach and talk to. who he feels hates him, and knows he doesn’t deserve steve. he knows she broke his heart, but he also knows steve pictured a life, a family with this woman. he doesn’t know if he can give steve that. billy wonders if he thinks about nancy more than steve does, too scared to ask. scared all his crazy thoughts will be confirmed. he knows she’s with jonathan, but he also knows that she was his first true love. she’s with jonathan, but he swears he feels her eyes on them whenever steve hugs, touches, kisses him. swears she’s giving them the same almost sad, wanting look he had to fight when he used to look at them.