#but anyway. i am grateful that i live in an era where the internet can be used as a tool for the completion of college degrees

[mountmortar]

sometimes things suck but at least i live in a time period where you can get your entire college degree online

[technicolorfamiliar]

Global Spirit Tour: 2017 - 2018

Prologue:

Something weird happened early in 2017.

I was looking for a song to lip synch to. In drag.

This was for a one-off performance with the improv group I was part of at the time. We had a string of a few LGBTQ events, and drag lip synchs were becoming a regular part of our season. I needed a song, and I needed to pick something I knew no one else in the group would choose. As someone who is secretly very competitive (and someone who knows I perform on stage better as a man anyway), finding the perfect song and perfect character to fit the song was stressing me out. So I turned to my beloved 80's New Wave station on Pandora for inspiration.

Eventually, the inspiration I desperately needed presented itself (this is the Weird Thing). It was, of all things, Depeche Mode's "Stories of Old" from Some Great Reward, a song I knew and loved deeply as a teenager but hadn't actually heard or really listened to in years. And with the inspiration from the song came the core inspiration for my character. Suddenly, everything locked into place - the look, the hair, the clothes, the physicality (read: how provocative I could get away with being at what was technically a family friendly event). And with that perfect vision for my character, all thing things I loved about Depeche Mode when I was in high school came flooding back to me. Wave after wave of nostalgia, the kind that makes you realize, "this is why I am the way I am."

And so I was forcibly dragged back into all things Depeche Mode by one song, one incredibly underrated song stuck somewhere in the middle of what isn't even my favorite DM album.

(I ended up using a different song by a different band for the drag improv thing, at the directors' request, they thought something more well-known would be more appropriate, and at the time I agreed. But my character mood board was still very much focused on DM in the mid-80s.)

Funnily enough, at that same time, DM were about to release a new album and announce dates for their Global Spirit Tour. So the timing on my part worked out perfectly. I have a habit of rediscovering the music I loved in high school just as a bunch of new content is about to hit the internet (one day I'll write about how Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo saved my life more than once).

For a little background, when I say I loved DM in high school, I mean that's when I first heard of them. I didn't grow up on Depeche Mode, as my parents - who were my major source of music recs until I was 15 - absolutely hated anything that had to do with 1980s synthpop, post-punk, or any other new wave music. But someone much older and much cooler than me gave me a mix tape with "In Your Room" on it and I was intrigued. That wasn't the DM song that sealed my fate as a fan. That was 100% "Never Let Me Down Again", but a nudge in the right direction was all I needed, and for that honest to god actual mix tape cassette, I am eternally grateful.

I was a teenager during the era of Playing The Angel, and I was lucky enough to see them on that tour with my best friend at the time. The tickets were my high school graduation present. Our seats were at the very back of what used to be the Nissan Pavilion in VA. I hardly remember anything about the show itself, and any pictures I must have taken on my old pocket digital camera are sadly lost.

Washington, DC:

It was 2017 before I managed to see another DM tour. For whatever reason, whether it was my busy work schedule, being broke, or waiting until shows were already sold out to look for tickets, I missed both the Sounds of the Universe and Delta Machine tours. So when the Spirit tour was announced, I was poised and ready to make what some people might consider irrational financial choices in order to see three separate shows between September 2017 and June 2018.

The lead-up to the September 7th show in DC was a lot of fun. I was going with my two close friends, so we enjoyed some additional bonding as we eagerly anticipated the show together. This was the only gig on the tour I saw with people I knew, and I have nothing against going to concerts by myself -- and sometimes traveling great distances to do so. But getting to share the excitement leading up to the actual day and at the event itself with two of my very good friends was really special. I'm really glad I got to share that experience with them, and have their positive, enthusiastic energy to draw on.

This is the part of the post where I go on a brief tangent about superfan elitism, bear with me: The hardcore DM fans would say, "Three shows? That's nothing." And I would say they're right, but that doesn’t make me any less of a fan. I could have gone to more shows, probably, but my bank account, my job security, and my sanity required that three be the maximum amount of shows I got to see on this specific tour. There are numerous ways a person can express their love of a band, a tv show, a piece of immersive theatre, or whatever. The level of insane superfan I am or am not does not mean that their music is any less important to me as an artist and as person. HOWEVER, the people who I encountered at these three DM shows who were on their phones the entire concert, people who had better seats than me who sat down completely unengaged the whole time, and the people making disrespectful and unrelated comments about the audience and the band themselves can go fuck themselves. That negative, attention seeking, distracting bullshit has no place down in the floor seats in front of the stage, they can go be terrible up in the mezzanine levels.

Which is exactly where my first show was spent.

Second or third tier seats for big arena shows are 1000% not worth whatever money you spend on them. They're too far away, and you're surrounded by people who act like they've never heard of the band they paid actual money to see. The only reason my friends and I were up there in the first place was because of how absurd the US ticket queueing system was for the first North American leg of the GST. I, like many others, have a lot of issues with how that was handled and am glad they scrapped it for the second round of US shows.

I'm glad I had my two friends with me at the DC show, though. The three of us were maybe the only people having a genuinely fun time in our section. This first show for me was the only one where I cried. I wasn't expecting to, but hearing and seeing Martin sing "Home" struck something in me. And then "Heroes". I knew it was coming, but it still managed to really resonate on a deep emotional level. I love David Bowie as much as they do, but knowing that "Heroes" was how Dave was initially asked to be in the band, and my own personal feelings and connections to Bowie, hearing Dave sing it as well as he did was everything in that moment.

I have a number of issues with that show in DC, but none of them have anything to do with DM or the show itself. They played more songs from Spirit at this show than at any of the others I attended, but there was also "Corrupt" and "Wrong", "A Question of Lust" and "Somebody". It was also the longest set list of out of the three shows, with 22 songs total, which is rare for them, from what I understand, because of how intense their live shows are, especially for Dave (which I got to experience more closely at the other two shows). His presence on stage radiates to the rafters of huge venues like the Capital One Arena -- but more about Dave in a minute. I can talk about how good they sounded in DC, and how much hearing those songs live meant to me on that night during that time in my life, how I felt the synths and bass and percussion in my bone marrow and in my soul, but I can't really talk about the all-consuming, sweaty frenzy of experiencing a show like theirs from the floor. For that, I need to talk about Berlin and Philadelphia.

Berlin:

So DM announced more dates in Europe. And, because I'm insane I guess, was online at some ungodly hour when tickets went on sale for the two shows in Berlin, Germany in January. I was able to get an early entry ticket for the January 19th show in BERLIN where I would be surrounded by other people who were actually genuinely excited to be there, which would be a huge improvement after the lackluster crowds in DC.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it exactly the same way ever again? Probably not. Because queueing overnight outside the arena was worth it for the concert experience itself, but it's not necessarily something I need to do again any time soon. I'm a weak, American fan, and I own that. The German DM fans go so fucking hard and I am absolutely terrified of them.

Somehow, I managed to get a spot on the barrier without any pushing or shoving. I wound up in the pocket where the main stage becomes turns into the catwalk, right in front of where Andy Fletcher has his set-up. On either side of me were two other women who also were there by themselves. They were nice enough to talk to me and keep me company while we waited.

The show, though.

My consciousness went… somewhere else. I can’t really compare the feeling to anything else I've experienced. I've been to some other really singularly wonderful concerts, to see bands and musicians that I have deep emotional ties to, but none of them have been like this. It's the combination of being part of the masses down on the floor, on the barrier, exhausted and sweating and euphoric, with the power and intensity of hearing and seeing Depeche Mode perform live. I was hyper-aware of everything happening in front of me. Time did something strange, it crawled by so slowly and yet it was over before I could register what happened. I was an outsider there, but I felt like I was part of this massive collective, all connected by our desire to be there, our love of the music, united for a few hours, and I was so aware that everything that was happening on stage and around us was happening to eary one of the people in that arena at once.

The sound of the ignition at the beginning of "Stripped" reverberating in your rib cage, the driving, head-banging riffs in "I Feel You," the cosmic outro of "Cover Me," the field of wheat arm-waving during "Never Let Me Down Again" -- having it all happen to you, at that volume, at that frequency and intensity, is like having your soul yanked from your body and cast into decadent oblivion.

Honestly, it was a blur. But as far as I can remember, highlights included:

The additional songs from Ultra! Unexpected, but very much appreciated.

Experiencing Andy Fletcher's ridiculous awkward dad dancing up close and in person. There's a lot of hype about Fletch's moves, but let me tell you, they exceed any expectation.

Martin. Martin sang "Sister of Night" AND "Judas". I was overcome. People talk about singers sounding like an angel, but Martin L. Gore is the only person in the history of music that saying actually applies to in full.

And Dave. If he was anything like he was at this show when they were at the DC show, I missed the fuck out. Because yes, he performs to the whole arena, even to the people in the very back, but it's altogether something else to watch someone that animated up close. He's tapping into some energy and fire to fuel his work that I've only rarely seen in other artists. Dave Gahan never phones it in, he always performs like he's got jet fuel for blood and like every show really means something. He is outrageous on stage, in every sense of the word. He is endlessly inspiring, and deserves so much recognition and respect.

Philadelphia:

That said… to me, it seemed like the band as a whole was having way more fun at the Philly show than they did in Berlin. I can't put my finger on the specific differences, but they seemed lighter, more pleased with their work, and maybe genuinely surprised at the warmth of their audience in Philly. Martin smiled a lot more at the Philadelphia show, and Dave seemed looser, maybe less tired after a double in Germany.

The Philly gig on June 3rd was the best, by far, out of the three. The second US leg of the GST was announced and I, of course, being the way that I am, thought, "FUCK IT WHY NOT" and magically got a floor seat ticket right in front of Martin's side of the stage after the general tickets went on sale. And it was worth every penny and a short train ride from Baltimore.

I met a few more very nice people, a couple from Florida (whose first show had been cancelled due to the major hurricane last year) and a solo lady sitting behind me who let me join their conversation. And the man sitting to my left was British? European? So he also knew all the things the audience is supposed to do during specific songs that I learned when I was in Berlin. There were definitely some bastard people in the crowd, even down on the floor, terrible people who clearly weren't enjoying themselves, but the high energy of everyone else made it easy to shift focus to the band.

The set list was very similar to the one I heard in Germany, with the exception of two of Martin's songs from Music For The Masses and "A Question of Time" right before their closer -- "Personal Jesus." But again, the performances and mood behind most of the songs at the Philly show seemed lighter, more playful and mischievous (on Dave's part). And the time really flew by. I missed "I Feel You" in the set list, but that's a very minor criticism of what was, over all, a miraculous third show out of three very powerful concerts.

Epilogue:

The general consensus among fans is that this may have been the last big tour Depeche Mode have. They may keep recording together and separately, but another tour on this massive scale is unlikely. If that's the case, I'm so glad I found a way to see three very different shows on the Global Spirit Tour. I can’t imagine experiencing the same exact feeling these shows gave me; I certainly didn't feel the same at David Byrne's awesome American Utopia tour show this summer, and I don't expect the feel the same when I see Nick Cave in October.

Depeche Mode, especially now, at this stage in their careers, during this time in American and world history, and for me personally at this specific point in my life as I age out of my 20s, have been a source of sanity and compassion, of deep feeling and social commentary. Their music touches maybe the parts of myself I'm too scared to look at head on. After going through some of the things that have happened to me as an adult, and as I figure out the kind of person I want to be in the coming decade, obviously there are certain themes resonate with me more than they did when I first discovered DM as a teen. I am grateful to have had circumstances happen the way they did to lead me back to Depeche Mode, to delve deep into their music and history.

Those three shows changed the my standards for seeing live music. After being front row for the Berlin concert, how could I ever go back to being content sitting up in the second or third tier for any arena show? I've been spoiled.

And after a few months have passed, when I think about my experiences over the course of the Global Spirit Tour, it doesn't quite feel real. There are a few other concerts I've been to where when I think about it, I think, "Did that actually happen??" (Namely seeing Danny Elfman in Los Angeles on Halloween, 2014. Absolutely bonkers.) Seeing DM in Berlin is definitely one of those moments already, not even a year later.

I look forward to the future of their music. If Depeche Mode tour again, and that's a big if, the furthest I would travel to see them is maybe the UK, but hopefully that won’t be necessary! However, I absolutely would go see a solo show, if Martin or Dave ever had shows anywhere even remotely close by. I would absolutely travel to New York or LA to see a solo Martin show or Dave with Soulsavers. From what I can tell those venues are usually smaller, so it would be easier to have a more enjoyable, intimate experience.

But that's all there is. Nothing more than you can feel now, that's all there is.

Until next time.

Photo by me, Jan 19, 2018

[amilliontinywraiths]

blog

Dear xx,

I began thinking of writing this in my head as an email — does anyone do that? Begin writing something in their head and then either let it come to completion and float away or frantically write it down? Of course people do that, that’s writing. Anyways, I was thinking of writing an email reflecting on my time at home the last six days but I did not have anyone in particular I wanted to send it to, and as it went on it seemed it was destined to be a blog post or a very long group message. Its intention is to go out to whoever gives a shit.

I’ve been at my parents house since the 22nd when I arrived so exhausted and was immediately picked up by three extremely energetic people (my father and two sisters). I was truly half awake and they took me to ramen and then to surprise my mom at her job (retail, so pre-christmas was shitty). Since then i’ve been a zombie; I wake up around 9am and drink two cups of coffee, read, eat some eggs and toast, and continue on doing nearly nothing until 5pm. I feel like a retiree.

My birthday and the holidays went by quickly, but I am v grateful to my family and small group of friends here that I celebrated with. On my birthday my family + Noah went to this very hip downtown hotel/bar and we played pool for two hours while I snuck my little sister whiskey neats. We saw some people from high school we very much so enjoy and some we very much so do not. I haven’t hung out with my sister alone in a long time so its been good to see her and relish in the fact that we are both adults now, and bond of the mutual exhaustion of our parents. Afterwards we went to a party at gloria’s house where Vivian was crowned the ‘Christmas queen.’ A very nice mom at the party showed me William steig’s children’s book Amos and Boris; I read it alone on the couch while Noah and my sister did strange Christmas-themed karaoke and shed tiny little tears.

Christmas was dramatic and tense, an annual and painful occurrence.

Yesterday I had the entire home to myself; my dad was working until 5 and my sister until 10 and my mother until 8. It was freeing! I’ve been more or less sitting alone these last few days but someone was always in proximity. My father has a tendency to but in at moments when I am really enjoying my book, and tell a story I’ve head ten times already. If I lived here perhaps it would be annoying but since I only see my dad every so often I willingly listen to stories of when he was a young man living in LA and things were not better, but warmer and different.

On the topic of books! I’ve read so much since I have been home. I brought with me the new narrative anthology, Writers Who Love Too Much and this condensed history of Ireland. I was ’rehabbing’ the Irish and British History section at work, and about an hour into alphabetizing I realized I do not know anything about the so-called homeland’s history. So I bought this little thing and told myself I’d read it (I haven’t started). For christmas, my mom gifted me Nothing to see here by Kevin Wilson, Jia tolentino’s essay collection, and also Lydia Davis’ essay collection. I finished nothing to see here on Christmas Day, and cannot praise it enough!!! I’ve been slowly reading the Davis and tolentino essays on and off. Lydia’s is much more formal and, so far, diving into the structure of writing (poetry, nonfiction, fiction) and influences she began with as a young writer. Jia’s is much more like, the internet is bad!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to the public library the day after Christmas—right after the DMV—and was amazed at how GREAT it was. This was the library I frequented as a kid, and of course I was looking in the children and young adult sections at that point, but I was never blown away by the selection (as much as one can be blown away by a book selection at eight years old). I remember having to put things on hold and waiting forever. My dad told me a couple years back they put a tax on the platte county ballot just for the library, and it passed!! So I went in there and got three brand new books that I’ve been eyeing at work: convienence store woman, human relations & other difficulties, and make it scream make it burn. I’m hurrying to finish human relations before I leave tomorrow. Its very very British.

Last night I saw Little women, which of course, was devastating. Its the first period piece—reconstruction era—I’ve seen that writes people as relatable, normal humans. The sisters wrestled and acted and their mother was KIND. not weird and strict and tense à la laura engels wildler. I, of course, felt an affinity to Jo and a disdain towards Amy. General apathy towards meg, who was played by Emma Watson, who kept forgetting she was meant to play an American and would slip into fancy English draw. I probably cried for an hour straight, those silent movie theater tears that gather at your lips and you are too resistant to wipe away as the person next to you will see you crying (weakness!). now I am slightly upset that I did not have the chance to wear such elegant shawls and ride in a carriage with timothee clementine. alas.

My fingers keep slipping on the keys, likely because I doubled down and moisturized my entire body. I shaved everything too, which I haven’t done in literal months (expo, maybe). I'm a wet seal pup.

I am getting hungry, and think I will go have that second cup of coffee and maybe some eggs and hashbrowns. Thank you for letting me ramble at you. Miss you.

From my screen to yours,

Gabi

[mexicodish98-blog]

Things Move Too Fast

“Finding Neverland” is already old news. You know Michael Jackson’s handlers are aged boomers because they didn’t know you don’t fight back, you ignore it, and then people forget it.

In today’s “New York Times Magazine” there’s a letter from a fourteen year old complaining that the paper’s list of “The Top 25 Songs That Matter Right Now” contained songs she and her friends had never heard of, never mind listened to. Another writer said that too many had not hit the radio. And others championed the inclusion of Bruce Springsteen.

That’s the world we live in, one of chaos. Where the aged are addicted to the old and even youngsters are not comprehensive in their knowledge and experience.

The only way you can triumph is by having a continuing narrative. You can talk about albums all you want, but they don’t fit the modern paradigm, oftentimes they’re instantly forgotten. Kinda like Steve Perry’s comeback. He should have dropped single after single and maybe one of them would have been great and connected. Instead, he released a compendium of tunes that seemingly no one has listened to, and most people don’t even know he put out. Furthermore, if you’re in the marketplace on a regular basis you get feedback and figure out what works.

And Netflix succeeds not because of any individual show, but the tsunami of product, there’s always something new coming down the pike. Furthermore, almost everybody has a subscription so people can follow a suggestion, check something out and be part of the community, we all want to be part of the community.

Used to be in the pre-internet era there were self-anointed judges, who criticized your taste. You’re not listening to or watching the right stuff. Now, no one cares. The judges are on their own island stuck in the twentieth century. We’re all just trying to keep up, and oftentimes we don’t even find the great stuff for years. Who cares that someone is denigrating our consumption, no one else is aware of the criticism! Kinda like Twitter. Someone spews hate and then you check their number of followers, which is almost always low. And it being Twitter, most followers never see the tweet anyway, so you can ignore it.

But social media triumphs because we all have access and it’s free.

Meanwhile, the commentariat, the privileged, the wealthy, keep telling us to put our phones down and disconnect…they don’t realize, this is the ONLY way we connect, that in real life everybody’s pursuing their own dream in their silo and the only place everybody is in the town square is online. Ever try to schedule dinner or a playdate today? It’s an exercise in frustration, everybody’s BOOKED UP! But you can reach them in iMessage.

That’s the beauty of text, people respond.

They burned out e-mail, people get too much, they should ban cc.

Now one of the reasons politics dominates today is because of the continuous narrative. Trump writes a new story every day. And the oldsters can’t understand that time moves on. Yes, Trump was tweeting up a storm last Sunday, but that was LAST SUNDAY! Might as well have been 1962. It’s the cumulative effect that creates the lasting image. Just look at the right, over decades they’ve labeled Democrats as tax and spend, to the point even Democrats believe it!

As for Republicans glomming on and supporting Trump in his message… Independence was something the boomers were into that their children, the millennials, have rejected. The rewards come from being a member of the group, you don’t want to be isolated, outside. And on the internet, there are even groups for that! No one is alienated alone anymore, they can find their brethren online.

So we all have our interests and predilections. Oldsters are on Facebook, youngsters wouldn’t be caught dead there. Therefore, what happens on Snapchat and Instagram goes unseen on Facebook. And Zuckerberg wants to make Facebook even more private, adding to the lack of cohesiveness in society.

And everywhere you go, no one talks about music, there’s too much of it, we’re all listening to different stuff.

And since movies are about superheroes and you have to go to the theatre and pay to see them, many choose not to. Meanwhile, the industry and media keep trumpeting the success of said pictures that most people have never seen and don’t care about.

And a flick lasts a few weeks in the theatres and is gone. Every week there’s a new number one. Quick, name the hit movies of October and November! How about January? You can’t! Unless you’re a student of the game.

Kind of like baseball. Which used to start the first week of April and end the first week of October. Now it goes from March to November, satiating those who care, but for those who don’t… You mean I’m supposed to care in April, May, June and July? Wake me up in August, assuming I’m interested.

Baseball is not only no longer the national pastime, it’s certifiably NICHE!

While youngsters watch video game competitions on Twitch.

And some kids are on traveling soccer squads.

And every day there’s something new, that we’re supposed to pay attention to. How? We wouldn’t have a life of our own. And we’re addicted to the internet just trying to catch up. We foreswear connection every once in a while, but it only lasts twenty four hours and then we’re back in.

Steve Jobs’s presentations used to be mandatory viewing. Monday’s dog and pony show is for insiders only. Tim Cook is too boring and they haven’t introduced something exciting since…Steve Jobs was alive. Proving you can lose the plot. And smartphones are a commodity and we don’t need the latest one and…

Teenagers don’t get driver’s licenses and soon none of us will own cars.

But oldsters refuse to accept this. Oldsters always refuse to accept the present.

But the real story is the lack of traction of almost ANYTHING!

Theranos was last week’s story. “Finding Neverland” the week’s before.

And if you don’t get in early…

I can’t watch “Billions” or “Game of Thrones” because I’ve missed the previous seasons and I don’t have the time to catch up. I don’t have the time to live my life. And as big as “Game of Thrones” is, most people have never seen it. And have never heard Drake. And think Ariana Grande is something you order at Starbucks.

The internet made it almost frictionless to reach people, but they stopped paying attention, because they’re overwhelmed.

And those in the business of attention refuse to admit the game has changed. The studios make fewer movies of a single stripe. The labels put out hip-hop records only. Only TV is experimenting, but it took the AT&T merger to get HBO on today’s page. Why should I pay more than I am for Netflix for so little product?

It does come down to money.

But even more it comes down to time.

Money gets you through the door, isn’t that the essence of the college admission scandal?

But after you graduate, when you’re in the world, what do you want to do?

Oh, you’ve got choices, you might know.

But chances are the only person going there is you, along with a few friends.

Stars are not what they used to be, they don’t have the same ubiquity and their images have been tarnished for being revealed.

This is the world we live in. If you have any success, any following at all, be grateful. But know that growing that success bigger is an incredibly long haul, because you’re competing for attention with so many projects that you won’t even get a look, never mind be rejected.

And chances are if you’re trying to reach everybody, you’re too bland when everybody can drill down to exactly what they want.

This is where we are, and we are never going back. The internet allows things to be bigger than ever, but when it comes to entertainment, nothing has become that big. Will it stay that way? For a while anyway. But when someone tells you you’re a dodo for not knowing this or that, laugh in their face, and when you regain your composure, easily mention a bunch of stuff that they don’t know, and can’t even criticize because they’ve never experienced it.

We’re living in the Tower of Babel.

But we refuse to admit it.

We don’t know the same records, movies and TV shows, and we don’t even know the same slang!

It’s scary folks.

Source: https://lefsetz.com/wordpress/2019/03/24/things-move-too-fast/

[beedujourblog]

Last year I re-watched all the season of SATC. A show I practically worshipped in high school based only on its glamour. As a teenager I couldn’t full understand the weight of the adult topics being played before me. I was simply enthralled about the big city life and fun clothes. While the series was still on, I only started watching it its 4th or 5th season. By then the fashion had become a dominating factor of the show and the characters. So as I am now the supposed age of these characters, did the show actually address single life in the 21st century?

Re-watching it in 2018, I wanted to see if the situations and relevance could still be applied to today’s millennial era. The first season and episodes aren’t about the style and fashion and pursuing glamour in the Big Apple, it actually focused on relationships and why they failed. It addressed the topics of being an independent woman and having choices. More importantly, it actually focused on experiences on modern day relationships that was relatable in real life.

Single life in the 20th century

The first three season do not give too much into the character’s personality. They are rather 2-dimensional and are in a place in their lives that are easily to connect with. What made them distinct was their problems they encountered in the dating world. The dates they went on weren’t full of glamour and rather showing the awkwardness of first impressions, mistakes and those red flags!

Season 4: The Game Changer

This is the season becomes the show’s game changer. It now focuses on the characters, money and the all-encompassing fashion. The plot no longer addresses various issues on single life, searching for love through situations and different spaces. The characters became the focus and they even start talking differently. The start dropping quippy one-liners and puns while talking over lunch. Their personalities become based on stereotypes and they become wealthy. Super wealthy. As a result the glamour aspect overrides everything and start living rather unattainable lives as they pursue, for what I felt towards the end, the perfect men and the perfect lives. Having it all becomes the goal.

While Carrie continues to pose some realistic questions about finding love in the 21st century while smoking and reflecting into her computer screen, the writers start attempting to give the answers through the characters. Re-watching this, it didn’t really serve it justice. It’s actually really hard to identify with a specific persona or character.

SEX & THE CITY, Sarah Jessica Parker, (Season 5), 1998-2004, © HBO/ Courtesy: Everett

Could you identify?

Watching it in the early 2000s there were many magazines articles on the seasons and episodes. These characters were supposed to present a ‘proto-type’ to the modern women that was identifiable. For someone in school this was obviously not possible, so we rather based it one who fashionable style we liked the most.

The cosmopolitan became the hottest cocktail to order around the world. The fashion became streamlined with the collections of fashion week. Carrie’s name tag chain became a must-have item and Jimmy Choo became a household name.

Before blogs, social media, Google and easily accessible internet, TV and print was how you got your info on trends. It was pretty one-way and the media was setting the trend. Nobody was questioning anything as the stable economy and limited social awareness made anything seem possible, even if it was unrealistic.

Is it still relevant for the millennial era?

Hmmmm…..for the large part I don’t think it is. While it’s fun to look back into a time where the standards were so much different we can also be very grateful how information is shared today and how it’s changing the way we see ourselves individually instead of as a prototype.

Did you know Donald Trump makes an appearance in the show? He hangs out in a bar where Samantha Jones looks for a certain type of man. Mr Big even gets likened to him. The Donald Trump man was somewhat the ideal type. Ja…… def not relevant.

In fact ideals are so last season anyway. The world’s economy also changed drastically after 2009, employment opportunities, career aspirations and our identity have become more complex issues. Today we are open to addressing the inequalities of different racial, social and economic factors that point out privileges that were easily overlooked before. In SATC, we only watch the privileged side of the spectrum and it’s ‘struggles’.

I think as I become the characters ages in the show, I have already faced far more serious realities than buying Vogue magazine. Our generation are also ‘woke’ to the narrative we put out in the media and inequalities created through it in the past. This makes SATC look outdated.

On a last note, I definitely think two things about SATC stay relevant: Miranda Hobbs and the fashion. While the fashion remains a testament to the era’s style and prosperity, Miranda Hobbs takes the title of the heroine. I felt she was made a bit dowdy in the show, but she was realistic and she actually posed seriously good questions and always had proper answers to them. Her approach and solutions were actually spot on and can be taken with good advice all the way to present day.

Cosmo anyone? Not sure when I last saw that on the cocktail menu.

Bee

PIN IT!

Is SATC still relevant today? Last year I re-watched all the season of SATC. A show I practically worshipped in high school based only on its glamour.

[momentumgo]

Charlotte Heyman

Freelance animator and illustrator, part time digital editor at Swedish Radio www.charlotteheyman.com Göteborg, Sweden 48 She/Her

How did you get your start in motion design, animation, or whatever it is that you do?

I’ve been in love with animation since I was a child. Before the era of internet and digital animation I couldn’t find a way to learn animation and I got into photography and graphics instead. I went to art school and studied photography for a couple of years and then started to work as a photographer. This was in 1993. But after a couple of years I got bored with photography and wondered what to do with my life. Having used computers a little bit in an advertising agency where I worked for a short while and being curious I went to university to do an arts course with computers as a tool. At this time computers were very expensive and slow. Anyway, I started to learn Photoshop on Mac and 3D on a silicon graphics machine. There were no teachers who knew how to use this technique and you had to use the pile of manuals to figure out how to do things. After much frustration I managed to do like 3 seconds of 3D animation and was thrilled.

After the course I started working in a games company making a 2D point-and-click game (in 256 colors!). I was mainly working in 2D, animations and graphics in Photoshop. I started using 3ds Max and Maya when it first came out. The games where pre-rendered even though we used 3D.

After working there for a couple of years I went to Bristol and attended the stop motion course at UWE since I wanted to learn traditional animation.

I got a job at DICE, a mayor game developer in Sweden. I was doing 3D modeling and some animation. I worked there for a few years, shipped a couple of games. Then I got pregnant and the company moved to another town and I was out of work since I didn’t want to move.

What to do?

After being home with my child for a while I started freelancing. I made a lot of photorealistic renders of cars and architectural visualisations and it was booring as hell. I really don’t like procedural shaders and photorealism. But since that was what I filled my portfolio with, that was what I got. I did some fun jobs too, animations for a museum and some animation for e-learning. I got a big project to develop a 3D game for a museum. It was THE best project I have ever worked on and so much fun and it lasted for two years. But after the project I found myself a bit lost. I didn’t want to go back to making photorealistic renders of cars (I wasn’t very good at it anyway) and since I had been working for such a long time for one single client, my network wasn’t very updated. I didn’t have the energy to go looking for clients either. And I wanted to do 2D animation and that wasn’t exactly what was in my portfolio.

I took a break from freelancing got a steady job as a project manager in a cultural venue. At this point I figured that I didn’t want to waste my talent and energy on boring jobs and wanted to do only my own projects. And I wanted a steady job since I now had two kids.

But eventually I wasn’t happy with that either. I love making images and animation and at the cultural venue, even though they hired me because of my background in games and graphics, I never seemed to get any use for my knowledge. I wanted to get back into graphics and animation. Now I am working as a digital editor at the Swedish radio, children’s radio, making content and managing their social media platforms and web. And part time I am freelancing. And I have to say that this is really a great balance for me.

What are some best practices you use today?

I sketch a lot. I try to make time for drawing and creating just for fun.

How do you define success? What would success look like for you?

For me success is to be able to work on projects that give me the opportunity to work creatively, experiment and not being owned. It is easy to get lost in wanting to work an a cool named company and get lots of credit, thinking that that is success. In a way it is, but looking at my life as a whole I think success is being able to get a balance during the day. Work with something you enjoy, having energy left to spend with family and friends and doing all the other things that I love doing.

How do you balance your work with your personal life? How do the two influence each other?

During times in my career I have had periods of crunching and all nighters. It has alway left me numb, angry and bitter and has never, ever paid off in the long run. I will never do that again. It is NOT worth it. (Unless you are freelancing and they are truly paying you big cash for it). Now I have my priorities strictly ordered: My health, my family, work.

If you are a caretaker, how do you arrange your life so that you can achieve your professional goals while being responsible for others, (parents, children, etc.)?

I have the privilege of living in a country where children’s care is free and great. But that said, I have worked a lot of part time. I divide the caretaking equally with my husband. I am also fortunate to have a big family to help us out whenever we need it. But also, it did affect my career. I was not willing to go crunching in a games company anymore and have avoided those kinds of companies.

State your privilege – What circumstances may have helped or hindered you along the way?

Apart from being a woman and sometimes not being taken seriously or having to deal with sexism from time to time, I consider myself being very privileged. That is the only kind of discrimination I have ever have had to experience. I grew up in Sweden where education is free for everyone. I am very grateful for my family and the people I met that have believed in me and given me opportunities.

Mostly it has been circumstances and chance leading me to them. “Luck is when opportunity meets with preparation”. My own mind and my own inner critic is probably what hindered me most. What helped me most is being able to stay curious and passionate about my work.

How have you learned to practice self-care? What do you do to take care of yourself?

During some periods of crunching and doing all nighters I realised that it is so unhealthy. Friends stopped calling, and my lovelife went up in smoke and my health suffered to. I decided that I didn’t want that kind of life, and if that what it takes to make a career within the industry of games or graphics, I don’t want it. I got a dog. I spend a lot of time outdoors and in nature. I try to yoga and swim. And I try to stand up and work whenever it is possible. This might not work very well in an office, but when I work from home I take a break every now and then and dance.

And do fun stuff, my own projects to keep the energy and love for animation and artmaking. Meet up with friends.

What advice do you have for those just starting out?

Learn the craft, not the tools and don’t spread yourself too thin. I spent far too much time trying to be good at everything, learning some new plugin or tool, learning stupid things like modeling with nurbs and curves that I have no use of whatsoever. Now I only do that when I need it and otherwise I use whatever tools I have at hand. Keep in mind that the industry will change, it has many times during the years i have been working. Don’t look for affirmation, look for satisfaction in the work in progress. Please take care of your passion for your art. It can disappear if you don’t nourish it properly. Have fun. Be curious. Sack your inner critic.

[eldritchsurveys]

922.

5k Survey XL

2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? >> Heh, 5k Survey Xtra-Large. Anyway, you can be surrounded by people -- people you love and who love you, even -- and be depressed. Depression does not fucking care about your actual life situation or anything else but keeping you in its mind-altering grasp for as long as it possibly can. 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? >> Nope. 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? >> This drink from Cafe Boba that I took one sip of and instantly hated. It was supposed to be jasmine green tea with lychee, which sounded like a pleasant, refreshing drink with maybe a bit of sweetness (to counteract my very savoury and rather fatty lunch). It actually tasted like a goddamn syrup dispenser. I was pissed. 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? >> I wouldn’t do that. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? >> How would I know? I can’t imagine being in this situation at all.

2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? >> I don’t really find people intimidating. I’ve been on the receiving end of that impression many times and knowing how strange and irrational it seems to hear that from people made it kind of hard for me to experience the feeling myself, I guess. People are just people. 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? >> I don’t really care about having conviction, so not a lot, I guess. I just think what I think until/unless the time comes for me to change my mind. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? I’m not sure we have any right now, but if so, it’s probably in the right-most drawer on the east side of our kitchen. flashlight? We don’t have one of those either. We use the flashlight feature on our phones. 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? >> I don’t know how to quantify this. 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? >> --- 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? >> I am on the direct opposite end of the spectrum from this. 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? >> I don’t know what this means. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? >> Eeyore. But also Rabbit, lol. 2064. When do you do your best thinking? >> I’m not sure. 2065. What motivates you? >> I’m also not sure of this. Motivation is very hard for me to muster. 2066. Look back at all the people you’ve dated. Has there been a pattern? >> Sparrow and I were talking about “types” in dating the other day because of a conversation she had at work, and I concluded that the reason there’s been no real pattern in my dating history is because... most of the time when I dated someone, it’s because he asked me out. I just went along with it because I... assumed that’s what you do, I guess. Like, if I wasn’t immediately repulsed by a person, then I was like “yeah, sure, okay”. So it’s not like I was actively picking these people to date as much as they picked me and I wasn’t opposed to it. The first person I remember pursuing is Hallie, and that was such a bass-ackwards and awful choice that I’m surprised I got it right the very next time around (Sparrow). 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? >> The fact of things changing. 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanently binding? >> I mean, of course I would consider it, if I had to. Nothing is permanently binding except the eventuality of death. 2069. What’s the strangest movie you ever saw? >> Oh, there’s a few. Antichrist comes to mind, of course, but also Enter the Void and Beyond the Black Rainbow, neither of which I finished because they were way too esoteric for me. I find Antichrist, and Mandy and mother! and such, to be just the right kind of strange for me and I gravitate to those kinds of movies hard. 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? >> I’d really rather not get involved with that at all. 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? >> When I’m depressed, sure. That’s part of the self-focused, excessively negative worldview shit. But normally, I understand that that’s not a logical way to think. 2072. What are you grateful for? >> You know, stuff. I’m not going to make a list right now. 2073. What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? >> I can’t think of one right now. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? >> I had a tooth pulled, does that count as surgery... I’m not sure where the line is. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? >> There is no “grown up”, it’s all just... some kind of complex illusion that people create to determine when they should stop watching cartoons or whatever. ...I mean, maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but I’m sick of the whole concept because it just never meant anything to me and even in my thirties I don’t get it. 2076. If there was a weight loss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn’t be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? >> I stopped at “if there was a weight loss procedure”. Just fuck off with that. 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? >> Like, in general? A majority of the stuff that’s happened to me, dude. 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said “It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now,” would you take it personally? >> First of all, bold of you to think I call people. But okay, say I messaged someone or something. I would take it a little personally at first, like it’d sting, but ultimately I’d respect that boundary and hope that it just means they’re focused on something in their life right now and don’t have the time/energy, but will probably come talk some other time. I’ve zero problem with that and don’t mind waiting, I just... often have the impression that I have no value to other people so I automatically assume they’re never going to talk to me again, lol. 2079. What is your favorite girl’s name? >> --- 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate then others? >> I sometimes experience something that reminds me of the concept of survivor’s guilt -- I made it out of being broke and homeless in NYC like so many other young, non-white, queer people, though not through any real work of my own (unless you count maintaining a long-distance relationship for a few years as work, which, okay, yeah), and there are so many people that just... will end up falling through the cracks, or getting into progressively more fucked-up situations, or dying, or whatever. And that sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to have made it out, or whether I’m doing enough to be worthy of it, although I know that’s a really fallacious way to think. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? >> Like, if I was a cartoon character, what would my shirt be? I’m not sure, but it’d probably be something a little ridiculous. 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? >> I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you. 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? >> I don’t know. I guess it would depend if the 10lb of feathers was all in a single container or just... freely falling feathers, wouldn’t it? 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you’re trying? >> I’m not happy because I’m trying, I’m trying because the only other choice is to stop trying at all and that’s... no longer acceptable to me, I guess. 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? >> I wouldn’t. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? >> I don’t remember. 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? >> Not that I’ve paid any specific attention to. I imagine bad things can happen on that day with the same or similar likelihood as any other day, but I wouldn’t focus on the fact that it’s Friday the thirteenth. 2088. What’s your favorite:  Madonna song? Again, just picking a song I like at random. Like a Prayer. John Lennon song? Michael Jackson song?  Doors song? The End. Rolling Stones song? Gimme Shelter. David Bowie song? (Fuck, like... half of his fucking oeuvre???) Space Oddity. Elvis song? If I Can Dream. 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? >> I wouldn’t be offended, I would just hear alarm bells in my head. Definitely not a situation I’d like to be in, period. 2090. Do you know any self defense? >> No. I’ve picked up random tips over the years, but that’s all. Nothing I’ve really practiced, per se. How about CPR? >> No. I more-or-less know how it goes, but I’m not certified or anything. 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? >> Damn, I don’t even remember that part from Neverending Story, really gotta rewatch that, huh. Hopefully it’s still on HBO but it might be gone by now, I think it was on the “last chance to watch this” list recently. Anyway, I don’t know if I could handle that or not. Not sure what it would even feel or look like. 2092. Are you a genius? >> No. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn’t real? >> I was never taught about him in the first place. 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? >> Either Death or The Sun. Or The Hermit, that’s always a good one. Oooh, the Magician’s good too... this is tough. I love tarot. 2095. Does the internet separate people or connect them? >> I guess it does a fair amount of both, depending. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? >> No. 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? >> Er... I mean, that’s... I’m not sure how to answer that. Pain and fear often make me feel like I want to stop being alive, to be honest... 2098. Are you: good looking? Not answering that. thin? Eh. Not so much. happy? Sometimes. successful? At what? confident? Not particularlyl. 2099. Are you deciseive or wishy washy? >> It depends on what kind of decision I’m making and how much energy I have to make that kind of decision. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? >> I don’t think so, no. I think at some point, young people have to learn to discern what kind of behaviour they’re going to emulate and what kind of behaviour they don’t want to emulate, and seeing people behave in a variety of ways and figuring out how they feel about those behaviours helps with that discernment. Besides, celebrities are people, not fucking... archetypes, or heroic figures, or something. The fact that we treat this certain subset of human being like they should be something “greater” than human is more than a little weird to me (although I do recognise it’s probably something we’ve been doing in various forms or another for centuries, if not longer).

[dubiouslyanonymousdespairblog]

Apr 2020 addendum

I find it funny that I have to write this out in a place where it may be discovered. I have tried to do this sort of thing multiple times in my privacy (or what passes for privacy) but somehow this feels easier. I suppose I named this blog in such a way that I might anticipate, and in anticipating ward off, the evil eye of public scrutiny. I do not think I am alone in this fear; it seems like everyone can imagine, now, their old words being dug up and twisted into something implicating. Maybe, dear reader, you are too young to imagine this. Or maybe you are too young to imagine any existence without such a fear. Or maybe you can imagine perfectly well. Or maybe you are older than me and would patronize me in turn. I worry about you, regardless. I worry and worry and the plants keep dying.

I guess the hope is that someone will find this if they are sufficiently intrepid and interested, and that beyond that I will be left alone. It's such a funny thing to want to be found; I wonder if the feeling really existed in the same way before social media. I don't want to be discovered, merely found, to be understood by a stranger and in being found being made to be less lonely. I hope to be found out of my loneliness. But importantly, the being-found-ness must not come with the entanglement of actually having a relationship with the finder. That is a core component of being found in this way, and perhaps it is what makes it different from the being-found-ness that existed before the internet, or before easy access to other forms of telecommunication (or perhaps we can call this before postmodernity.)

What an absurdly passive plan. But I guess I can't call it passive if it asks such a heavy task of me. I've been told this sort of thinking is being kind to myself and something I should be doing.

It's funny how as I've gotten older my standard for what counts as success has only increased. I have not mellowed. I feel like a lot of my generation is like this. Writing this without the hope of it becoming at least a small brand is an intentional act of revolt. It makes me wonder what aging really means, if we only grow more restless, more alienated, but in ways that do not have the proper forms of adolescence to express these things through. Or perhaps this is a fact about my generation (or even _These Times_) that was not so for my parents. Perhaps all eras of shrinking economies (and where I live it is indeed shrinking, and has been shrinking for some time, at least for you and I,) see people my age feeling this way.

Anyway, I'm grateful that I've managed to keep the algorithm-chasing impulse at bay. I hope I manage to keep doing it.

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

[konstantinwrites]

Treasures from the Roof of the Insurmountable, Part 1

Small Worlds XI (Wassily Kandinsky)

Hi friends! So, I ranked all 42 songs of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest. It was as simple as comparing each song to every other and missing every social event for a month. I didn’t give /10 scores and didn’t add a bunch of space between songs to signify gaps in quality, like a cool blog would. However, many generous friends of mine reviewed these songs as well. For an alternative, reasonable point of view, theirs is here.

I understand that asking to listen to 42 three-minute songs on the Internet should be reserved for astonishing lovers, but I hope that you’ll give them a play. The reviews are based primarily on the studio versions, linked in the title, but for fun I more strongly recommend the embedded live performances. This turned into an epic nine-parter only by luck -- Tumblr wisely halts this kind of obsessiveness by setting a limit of five embedded videos per post. 

Anyway, I think you’ll like at least some songs. Not this next one, but some.

42: Spirit of the Night by Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson (San Marino) (Returnee, Eurovision 2012, 2013, 2014)

I will make a conscious effort not to embalm you in Eurovision completely, but I have to bend here since Valentina Monetta breaks all unwritten rules anyway. This was her fourth Eurovision appearance, all for the Most Serene Republic of San Marino, in six years. San Marino houses less people than you saw this weekend, sure, but there are probably a few other musicians in the country that would like a boost to their career.

Maybe some of them were on stage for 2012’s timely “The Social Network Song” (titled “The Facebook Song”, pre-zucc), with which Valentina began her pillage of this contest. (If you have patience for exactly one hyperlink...)

 The lyrics incandesce:

Are you ready for a little chat?/And a song about the Internet It's a story ‘bout a social door/You’ve never seen before;

And the “Social Network” music video, all morning bedsheets and Safari browsing and wild leers into camera, is like the aftertaste of a burp from the dude who ran ARK Music Factory. 

Throughout the last eon, the early to mid 2010′s, peace still ruled. It was underpinned by dark respect for the creature, and fear, but effective and true peace it was. In Year 3, Monetta qualified to the grand final. Appearing in that show was supposed to be the prologue to another Sammarinese age of serenity. Yes, she breathed too hard and accidentally set the Finnish commentators on fire, then threshed her wings and flew out through the arena roof. Human Eurovision performers have gimmicks, too. It was our Monetta, we prayed to her benevolence, and she made other countries and micronational principalities respect us as well.

But we grew tired of living in fear ourselves. If our Monetta was truly done with this world, we would be happy to raise a new generation in peace. Families waited to resettle back to their birth land, planning carefully. At dawn, sometimes, you noted the unsavory magicks in the distance, still discharging in the air. The tribe elders knew that kids were their most important constituency: every evening, a few fun rhymes with the kids that made each of the elders look silly; every forgathering, the children could run off after roll call. Irreverence and joy, with which the children played games on the hills, was as crucial as the considered warnings that the adults were made to hear.

Come spring, at the agora, Elder Dendroch took his deepest breath of the year, all wheeze, as he screwed in the VGA cable to the projector, casting the San Marino 2015 Eurovision artist announcement onto the smooth side of the hill. During the countdown, even All-Naked Christoph went silent. This was to determine his capacity to continue to gyrate himself around the fire each morning without being clawed by Monetta and thrown into the nearest cactus. Her swift retributions of All-Naked Christoph was one of the few Acts that the tribe was grateful for; however, now they yearned for calm and agency. They were ready to pay the price -- and cover their eyes at breakfast.

What a cheer, then. It was, indeed, someone else for 2015. The slothful bards were worth their silver on this day, spooling blunt limericks on the spot, tribesfolk teary with laughter. The eyes of all, awash with joy and soapy bubbles, feasted on daydreams about this new era. Resettling back to town, with everything as it has been (apart from the bread, now a furry green pet), we gleefully watched Anita Simoncini rap -- for we could scream, “No!”. The year after that, Serhat proselytized us, trying to make what sounded like, “I am a dick tit” happen. We loved telling him that it’s not going to happen, and besides, he was the neighboring queen’s chief accountant and she was not letting him out on any more trips like that. Our power was back.

But, well... You saw the rest. You saw 2017. Not even Mostly-Naked Christoph thought that eurodance would rise again. Not even the gloomiest of the kids ever had in mind that Monetta was always in control, and that there is nothing that we can ever do but point our projector at the stars.

“Spirit of the Night” is a dance anthem structured around a conversation between two horny and dim-witted patrons of a San Marino club. “Hey, are you the one I dream about?/Baby, I am.” After successfully capturing his target’s interest with this awful line, the man proceeds to use amateur pick-up artistry to delve into the murky depths of her insecurity. “Every time I see you smile/There is sadness in your eyes.” 

Luckily for him, his quarry eats this obvious nonsense up. After connecting through dance, he seals the deal by revealing that he’s a hurt, insecure man who is in need of a woman to protect him. “Hey, are you the one to take my pain?/Just take my hand/I’ve been so hurt before, it’s hard to trust again.” Nonstop key changes and a reference to obscure weather phenomena attempt to mask the utter vacuity of “Spirit of the Night,” but nobody is fooled. 1/10.

Richard Hansen

41: Keep The Faith by Tamara Gachechiladze (Georgia)

Ten seconds in, this has all the potential in our supercluster. It becomes “Keep The Faith”, but that moody horn-driven bar can lead into a Jay-Z track, a Antony and the Johnsons symphony, or the title screen of “Swordfish”. But it becomes “Keep The Faith”, and it’s a little awkward; I live and work in Georgia, and super enjoy this country. 

However, this song is derivative garbage, devoid of any sensory pleasure. It has many siblings, songs of this type, all grey, parts-per-million pollutant specks. It’s a pure ballad and a very specific type of ballad, none of which have ever been enjoyable: pie-eyed on piano, throaty-vocaled, vowel-elongating, forcefully important, crudely pitch-raising, artless fat zeppelins of songs, avoiding melodiousness by purpose and not even by chance. 

I like the few seconds in the bridge where Tamara and the backup singers go, “Oh - ohhh - oh! - ohhh!”, and I like the final string cadences, the last two notes in the song. I wish they’d signaled the end to something not so comprehensively dopey.

Please also let me just add here that I adore “Mzeo” by Mari Mamadashvili, the Georgian winner of Junior Eurovision 2016. 

I’ve cried listening to it. I’ve showed her performance to many people. Don’t revoke my residence permit. Look at how much good stuff Billy wrote.

Having heard a plethora of Georgian music over the past year, I really didn’t have my hopes up going into this one. But I have to hand it to Tamriko, she may have actually pulled it off. The song’s video isn’t much to talk about, and I found the opening lyrics about hiding behind a veil and then panning to a woman in a hijab to be slightly off color, but the tune and subsequent lyrics are actually pretty cool. One might say the video had my sentiments shaken, but not stirred. That’s right, I referenced James Bond (Jamesi Bondi) and how could I not? The ominous violin, three-key piano repetition and horns - the song practically screams, “put us in the next movie!” and I happen to agree.

If we got rid of the whole weird hip-but-frowning aspect and replaced it with an unmistakable gun-toting secret agent silhouette, complete with tastefully nude female figurines, Georgia might actually have a hit on their hands. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big believer in letting music speak for itself and in many ways this song does, but at the end of the day it’s also a pop song and that music video HAS to be tight. Get this out to Eon Productions, Georgia; I’ll be disappointed if Ed Sheeran gets to do another title sequence.

As far as vocals go, Tamro fits the role pretty nicely - she can really belt it and it adds to the overall grandness of the song. As a matter of fact, grand is probably the word I would use to describe this. It’s the kind of song that makes you clench your fists and pump your arms dramatically and ceremoniously. Tamo’s powerful vocals and lyrics are engaging and entertaining; my only real worry is that with such a Bond-sounding song, people might have a difficult time seeing it as its own thing. Not to mention, if people dislike James Bond, they’re probably just going to see this as some hack interpretation of an Adele hit. While some might view it as lacking in theme originality, I see it as a distinguished work operating in a certain genre (a difficult one at that). I don’t think the sky will be falling on this song any time soon! Qochagh, Sakartvelo! 8/10.

Billy Moran

40: Gravity by Hovig (Cyprus)

The lifetime of this adult contemporary rockvomit is: released to the suffering masses, all 4th grade boys for three days repeat-blast “Gravity” on the family speakers, then torrent Battlefield and yelp and chaotically shake their faces to its menu music and forget about “Gravity” forever. No other integration of this song into a human life can be permitted.

This wailing, free trial-distortion-effects, tragically detached one-dimensional nonsense would take aback a NHL video highlights editor, and they’re immune to this stuff. “Gravity” is for a montage of, like, a corrupted toothpaste factory, where the toothpaste is evil. There is something a little demonic with the toothpaste. It’s been breached. There are lich in the toothpaste, hiding themselves and their sorcery, and they now terrorize users of toothpaste all over the world. Only those who still use tooth powder have not yet turned. With this paragraph, I have now released more beauty into this world than the Cypriot entry. I’m not proud of putting lich and toothpaste together. I know I’ll answer for this one day. Sometimes you have to drive a point home.

This is a solidly made pop ballad with a catchy chorus that I could see getting good radio play for about two weeks before being promptly forgotten. While somewhat catchy on first listen, it quickly loses its appeal and you realize there is nothing more there than another over-produced pop song that makes oatmeal look plain and generic. This song is the definition of standard, meaningless pop. It's begging for some sort of edge to it, some sprinkles to go with its vanilla. As is, I'd much rather listen to “Hook” by Blues Travelers.

Ryan Haskell

39: Dying to Try by Brendan Murray (Ireland)

I like Brendan’s voice. For 54 seconds, he makes a serviceable dyingtotry. I like that the first line of this Segway-speed ballad gets close to saying, “Take a leak of faith with me”. I like his tuneful delivery through the lightly layered first minute, and you could stroll to this and take sips of still water and feel correct.

Then the songwriters take out their game hunting rifles, trundle us into the basement and serve us a soup of impotent key change, never-ending chorus and string accompaniment, all of which we would spoon out of the dish in a less savage situation. You eat — you have to — belch, relax a bit, and then notice Brendan at the table, his meal long finished, as he mouths to you, “trying to die”.

As an American who grew up American, with American parents and American grandparents, I myself am American. That said, I definitely identify with the Irish a bit - they’re my ancestral roots and I root for the guys for sure. But I have to say, Brendan Murray, bud, you let me down. The song can be summed up in one word: boring. The kid looks to be about 15 and, sure, he has some pipes (little Irish pun there), but I have to believe these impressively high notes he’s hitting have more to do with his lack of pubic advancement and less with actual talent.

The music video takes us on the journey of love’s rocky road, complete with a daughter of Elrond and a poodle man that would make Dr. Moreau jealous. Perhaps I would have paid more attention to the lyrics if the featured couple were less visually jarring. I mean, the woman was fine… But the poodle man! That hair! There’s a million elf-y looking guys in Ireland to complement the girl, and they choose that guy!

My biggest complaint comes at the peak of the song’s rising action. Brian is walking through the grassy knolls of Ireland, as one does, and the viewer is treated to a beautiful melancholy landscape that just screams of Ireland. But instead of giving the listener something to complement the breathtaking view, we get a gospel choir harmony as Brian dives into his chorus. It was the perfect moment to incorporate cultural music - so poorly utilized by Israel - and Ireland missed it! If a lovely flute had accompanied Brian as the camera raced across the Irish shoreline back to our visually perplexing couple, I think I would have poured a shot of Jameson on the spot and shed a tear for all the struggling lovers in the emerald isle. Instead, the song loses its identity and all my invested interest is gone with it.

Brian, the wise fifteen-year-old he is, ever wary of love’s slings and arrows, tells us, “No one can promise that love will ever learn how to fly”, but I can promise Brian that his song won’t be flying to the top of any billboard charts. Maybe something a little more fun next year, huh Ireland? Sláinte! 4/10.

Billy Moran

38: My Turn by Martina Bárta (Czech Republic)

The indifferently mute student can be the most frustrating. Staring at the arithmetic poster for two minutes at a time, boring with their pen more and more millimeters of their desk hole, finding the right moments to sip a hidden can of Fanta with the vigilance of a mosquito pursuing a meal from a human absentmindedly playing the Chrome dinosaur game -- apathetic students cause little obvious trouble in class. However, asked to contribute to any task, their monastic silence and translucency can drop a teacher’s command of the classroom to the floor. Other students, especially ones wavering between “kind of paying attention” and the Frowning Face With Open Mouth emoji, sense the student’s apathy, think that the lessons are, indeed, for nothing, and mentally teleport themselves out of there as well.

Which brings me to “My Turn”. It would be out of date during Pangaea, but out of date is very often fine. The prime disappointment is that it has a harmonious, sentimental melody to throw around, as most ballads do, but concretely refuses to get out of the hotel elevator, or the Saturday morning wine tasting. There are many piano works like these; it shouldn’t be an excuse to bunt and be another, especially because it’s got a pleasant tune. I’ve listened to “My Turn” at least 30 times and can recall the main progression with roughly the same clarity as remembering why Fletcher Christian mutinied and vamoosed to Pitcairn Island, the Wikipedia summary of which I probably read once, or maybe someone told me. Before going home, Teacher Eurovision will leave an inspirational message for Martina on her desk. “You can be different!” The next morning it’ll only be used with a shout of, “Kobe!” and be another clump a few feet from the trash basket.

Czech Republic’s Eurovision results, 2007 (debut) to 2017:  28th in a 28-song semifinal; 18th in a 19-song semifinal; 18th in a 18-song semifinal; Not participating for five years (understandably); 13th in a 17-song semifinal; 9th in a 18-song semifinal, 25th in a 26-song final; 13th in a 18-song semifinal.

Czech selection committee: just put a donk on it. You’ll like the results.

Not only did Ms. Martina choose to submit a song written in English to the Annual Eurovision Ritual, helping the beast of globalization devour her culture and language, but she also submitted a song with lyrics so boring that they flee from my mind immediately after I’ve heard them, as if Gilderoy Lockhart himself has just charmed them directly out of my cerebellum. Lyrics: 2/10.

Luckily, the music video itself is far more interesting than the song itself. I’m at least 80% sure this video depicts what people experience while rolling on Ecstasy. Nude bodies of various age and shape, writhing in ways that are at once harmonious and cacophonous. Here an old white man finds peace in a warm-towel embrace of a large black man. There a bald man hangs his head in his ultimate shame only to be comforted by an equally bald woman. At one point the bacchanalian dancers just all freeze and turn their heads sharply to one side, staring at the audience with eyes that contain something between abject misery and ultimate pleasure. Disturbing! Music video: 7/10. I found this video hilarious. Personal enjoyment: 9/10.

Cody Phillips

[contadorharrison]

Felicity isn’t sex, flowers, hearts and romance

When a friend recently shared with me how his attempt in marriage has cost him dearly, I could only sympathise. He is now a nester seeking divorce following less than a calendar long marriage breakdown.The first few years of marriage remains the danger period for most couples. In my friend’s case, the concealing of facts about her complications instigated his efforts to divorces as it came as a shock to him and family members.That and another involving a female friend who found his man was cheating barely six months into their marriage, reminded me that whether its marriage, relationship, nothing counts. Whether you have most enjoyable sex, give or get the best gifts, holidays and lingerie, happiness isn’t easy to achieve in life. When a friend once told me that he can’t date a woman without shaved legs, i realised that felicity or do i call it happiness, is more than ever, a rare commodity. Whenever I listen to Rod Stewart’s song Rhythm of My Heart, my feel is that happiness in a relationship is supposed to be shared values. To borrow some of Stewart’s lyrics, “Photographs and kerosene light up my darkness, light it up, light it up, I can still feel the touch of your thin blue jeans, Running down the alley I've got my eyes all over you baby, Oh baby”, means in my view that If you can build your relationship with shared values as a foundation, you will find spending your life with your partner immensely more fulfilling. But how many people know what values they share with their partner, value time together balanced with time apart or aim to have success in their career. Again, as Stewart’s sing in the same song “The flames are getting higher in effigy, Burning down the bridges of my memory, Love may still be alive somewhere someway, where they're downing only deer, a hundred steel towns away”, I ask myself would love birds like to travel the world or change the world by creating a new world? Understanding out your shared values and then building a relationship based on understanding these values is an integral part of a successful connection. Combining and honouring your own values along with creating a set of shared values with your partner, perhaps listening to Rod Stewart’s Rhythm of My Heart in bed together with no interruptions, you’re likely to be on your way to a whole hearted, balanced, beautiful partnership.

In world full of single and ready to mingle folks and dating as much as they would like, disappointments are bound to be plenty. A dating culture really doesn't exist in most people according to my own thinking due to lack of self-confidence and chivalry.In the era of social media, most people have packaged mentality about love. You will see groups of guys and girls, men and women online and never shall they meet.It's also something to do with traditional love set ups and how people see themselves. I know many women who sit back and let their men do all of the hard grafting and even it comes to relationships or marriage, the 20th century mentality that all communication is initiated by men, still exists and affects the game of love. There is much to learn from our pasts and those who came and went from our lives but surely, does a bloke has to be the one to make a step? Come on ladies, the world has changed and good men have become rare commodity. There is much, in my view, to learn from looking within ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we are. To be happy, me thinks means to accept yourself, through times of both happiness and sadness. I have had plenty of sadness in my life but without it, I couldn’t have understood what it means to be happy. Sometimes i ask myself, “Why not me?” without looking to see that there is already much to be grateful and happy for, within me and around me.My perceptions, shaped by my experiences, too often skew my abilities to find the happiness that exists within me, so when I can’t change my perception, i suffer. This doesn’t just go for relationships, in fact, the key to improving everything in my life starts with improving my perception of everything in my life and this begins with me. Whether your rich or poor, none of us can erase or wipe out past experiences, but as in my case, we can perceive them differently. Times are changing and thanks to many apps available online, stigma out of dating is being extinguished slowly and encouraging singletons to get out there and take the bull by the horns, so to speak mainly those looking for casual sex.

Apps are great and provides another option for people, but it's for people with short-term relationship goals. The problem is that mobile apps are for long-term relationships, that's a problem but on the other hand who wants eternal relationships?Life is never a fairytale, and no relationship goes without its troubles and trials. Understanding happiness means understanding sadness.A friend who is baby boomer was recently telling how its hard to see men and women integrating on nights out unlike his childhood and that social connectedness is no more. I challenged the baby boomer whether she wanted us millennials to copy and paste their way of life which was pre-computer era? Opening up about her own experiences, she said she would not usually be willing to just walk up to someone who caught her eye on a night out because he's surrounded by intimidating friends. I told her that the purpose of love relationships is to help awaken the inherent balance existing around and within self, and to assist in acknowledging own magnificence and wholeness and not to other way round.In comparison to baby boomer’s generation, with internet, folks have found it so much easier to date. "I find that on dating sites, the girls, well my girlfriend anyways, are way more comfortable and relaxed to talk to and, when it comes to dates, there are just so many more options and things to do."After a week or two together chatting online, we were very comfortable around each other and it felt like I knew him for years when we met last month,” a relative told me recently when he was sharing about his new life living in Cairns.Happiness is never permanent, and the fleetingness shouldn’t leave us disappointed and frustrated.I hear so much of stories involving friends and their relationships in wildly different situations. For me, it doesn’t matter what the setting is, or who the characters are, at the crux of the issue is the same central character running the same patterns again and again.

In my life, I have never been desperately to want to be happy but have cases where friends do their absolute best to ensure their partners are content but can’t figure out how to make themselves happy. A couple of them over the years i’ve seen them believe fixing their relationships with others will make them happier. Its a matter of life and death for them when they see happiness as the end goal, somewhere to just reach and be able to have successful, fulfilling relationships and achieve individual dreams. I have never understood why such people don’t know happiness can never be the ultimate goal. If a person never changes perception, never will they appreciate all that they have to be happy and grateful for. The ultimate goal has to be love and that can only begin in the centre of the story. Failure of relationships is the greatest destroyer of personal wealth whether materially or spiritually. I witnessed that with a relative who despite working his ass off, saw his property used as settlement in the splitting of assets in a big money case with his single handedly acquired marital property worth more than $5m. Almost a decade now, the pain i saw him go though, being the person who created the wealth and yet got far less of it, made me make a vow that marriage is only meant for buffoons because i can’t understand what value my relative got in seeing his marital assets split, even though he created all of the wealth while the wife stayed at home, and oh, i can’t forget how fat she had become for eating well, thanks to my relative moolah! She never got employed in their 13 years marriage and contributed nothing, please spare me your thought that she cooked and took care of him, which men can’t do that anyway, including spoilt brats? That case and many others made me make a vow to meet grim reaper without tying a knot, the source of all stress us men face today. After all, am a millennial and we grew up with choice of either having a ‘Saturday night girl' or a ‘Sunday morning girl.’