#but anyway i just want to see them happy i really cannot comprehend why thats too much to ask for

[misfithive]

After that trailer we really deserve emotional compensation with fanservice in the form of cute and HAPPY wilmon boyfriends content.

Like you said, we all were expecting angst, but that was a lot. I need a balanced season this time bc it’s the last one, we are only getting them one last time and it would be really disappointing to have them go through hell and barely be able to be happy.

I am so glad u agree with me ive literally been having a mental breakdown for a week and i feel totally unhinged bc it feels like everyone else is happy and excited meanwhile i’m thinking about how much they have had to suffer and why they keep having to suffer and why suffering is never ending and it’s killing me 🙃

so personally i need more of this :

And more of this :

And more of this:

And more of this :

And more of this:

Thank you for coming to my ted talk 🙏🏾

[hadestownmodern]

Whole Foods and Grilled Cheese

You got Eurydice and Persephone at Costco. Here is the prelude to that: Orpheus and Hades at Whole Foods. This was such a wild thing to write and I hope it brings someone a bit of a smile in these hard times. -A

The bustling of the grocery store was not a welcome sight to Orpheus who had not expected the action filled morning when he called his uncle the previous night. 

“She’s been staying a lot..”

“Orpheus, I don’t want to know about your late night antics with that girl-”

“No no thats not- I’m not trying to talk about that!” Orpheus stuttered though he knew his blush was not evidence through the telephone. “She doesn’t eat well and she works so much- I wanted to try to make her some things.”

“Make her some things?”

“I want to learn to cook. Can you help me?”

“....” Silence, so Hades could hide the slight pride in his voice. “I’ll be there in the morning.”

The 8 a.m. knock on his apartment door, with his uncle demanding to get going for a ‘long day ahead’ had not been what he was anticipating when he rolled out of bed scrambling for pajama pants. 

The morning was nothing short of exhausting. Hades dragging Orpheus through the busy streets to a high end department store and making a beeline for the kitchen department. A long lecture on different pots, pans, and cooking utensils ended with Hades buying ‘one of everything’ and having it promptly delivered to Orpheus apartment so they could continue on their day. 

By afternoon, after Hades spent a small fortune to equip Orpheus with “the best of the best” for cooking, he would not relax on the ride to the local Whole Foods. 

“Amma says you should buy from Farmer’s markets…” Orpheus had commented, between drinks of a free sample smoothie that was a rather unsettling shade of green. 

Hades tried to hold back the sharp retort, biting his tongue and gesturing Orpheus forward in the store. “You can go to the farmers market once you have pantry staples, Orpheus. But you need a solid base. Spices, rice, pastas, flour.. Spices especially. Eventually you can make most of it yourself. You can make broth and pasta but for now, we’re starting easy. You need a solid start. A pasta dish, a chicken dish, some sort of eggs.. We’ll get to soup later. We’ll cover steak next week.”

“Next week?” Orpheus squeaks, eyes wide at the assortment of fruits and vegetables around him. His fingers lingered on star fruit a few extra moments before Hades deep voice pulled him out of his reverie.

“Yes, Next Week, do you want to impress the girl or not?” Hades is perusing a meat case, conversing with the butcher in words Orpheus cannot comprehend, taking brown paper wrapped packages and placing them in the cart. “We’ll start easy today. Scrambled eggs. Maybe a nice red sauce. Simple things…. What can you make now?”

“I can...heat up frozen chicken nuggets. And make grilled cheese! With tomato Soup!”

“Is the tomato soup from a can, Orpheus?” He isn’t even looking at him as he examines a dozen of eggs and places them in the shopping cart as well, before grabbing a few cheeses. 

“...yes…”

“Then thats not cooking. What kind of cheese do you put on the grilled cheese?”  

“The little slices that come wrapped one by one-”

“Thats not even real cheese. Okay. No red sauce today. Eggs. We do eggs.” He loops back to grab an extra dozen.

Hades directs Orpheus through each aisle, taking time to pause and teach Orpheus about all the possibilities. Different types of pasta for different sauces (Light sauce with spaghetti, bolognese with rigatoni), types of beans to use for different fillings, how different flours affected baked goods. 

They were in the spice aisle, a deep discussion on the values of garlic salt versus garlic powder when Orpheus asked a new question. 

“So you need garlic and onion powder, but can add your own salt. I really suggest you use real garlic and onion but on grilled cheese or eggs this is easier. I also think freshly cracked black pepper makes a difference-”

“When did you know you wanted to marry Persephone?” He asks, looking up from his notebook full of spice notes. 

“...not after six days, Boy, back to the spice. Now bay leaves are quintessential to a good soup base..”

“I bought a ring!”

“And you should use real homemade broth, Persephone used those bouillon cubes as a nausea quick cure but- I’m sorry you did what?”

“I bought a ring! Yesterday. I love her so much, I just..I know she’s it for me. Amma always says you know and I know!” He has an innocence in his eyes that Hades doesn’t want to crush, but innocence too closely accompanies naivety. 

“Orpheus. You met six days ago. You don’t marry a girl because she took your virginity!”

Orpheus’ face turned the color of the canned tomatoes in his hand, the poet losing his words. “No! I love her! I know I do! She makes the world have color and reason and I look at her and see the whole world. I just imagine waking up next to her and holding our babies and-”

“Six days. Six days ago. You met her six days ago, stop talking about babies and marriage and focus on, I don’t know, getting to no her as a person with clothes on?” He grabs a handful of jarred spices and pushed on through the store. “Two years, Orpheus. We were together two years before I even thought about it. Now come on, we need to start cooking.” He ended the conversation, gesturing Orpheus towards the checkout. 

They stopped at his apartment to drop off and properly store the frozen ingredients, a lesson all in its own of proper pantry filling and food storage, before taking the car to Hades townhome, where Orpheus was already spending so much of his time. 

“We’ll do Eggs and grilled cheese. Scrambled eggs, you can’t do an omlette yet.” Hades decided as he keys into the front door, grabbing the mail on his way in. 

“Is seph home? Is she gonna try it-”

“Of course. You don’t have to impress her though. Even if it tasted like garbage, that woman would never hurt your feelings. It’s Junie you need to impress-”

“..Junie?”

Just then Hades pushes the door open, and within seconds tiny yet quick footsteps were audible, getting closer by the second. 

Junie, in her little purple tutu, ringlet curls bouncing as she ran, flew into her father’s legs with her arms in the air. “Daddy! I miss-ed-ed you!” 

He chuckles lowly, scooping her onto his hip and kissing her cheek as the toddler wrapped her arms around his neck. “Hey, Princess. Where’s your mother?” 

“If she’s the princess, does that make me the queen?” Persephone appears, long curls falling loose around her face. She somehow looks put together even in a sweatshirt far too big for her and flannel pajama shorts left over from last years christmas. “How was your shopping trip?”

He kisses his wife, tugging her closer by the fabric of her shirt. “You were the queen long before she was the princess. And it was eventful. He uses prepackaged cheese.”

“Well, I ate cups of ramen noodles and you loved me anyway.” Persephone winks, holding a hand out to Orpheus. “I hope he didn’t scare you, it’s sweet, that you’re learning to do this.”

“Well I want to be with her forev-”

He is interrupted by Hades voice, as he bounces Junie once “Hey Junie, why don’t we go set up to cook. Come, Orpheus.”

“Yeah, come on Ophie!” Junie gestures for him to follow, as her father carries her to the kitchen. He sits her on the chair at the island, before Persephone sits beside her and pulls her into her lap. 

“Why’s Ophie cookin’ daddy?” She asks, kicking her little legs before pressing her back into her mother’s chest, snuggling into her. 

“Because he’s trying to impress a girl, Junie.” Hades says off handedly, placing a loaf of bread on the table top. “Remember, Junie, if a man can’t cook, he isn’t good enough for you.”

“Noone’s good ‘nuff for me, Daddy.”

“Thats right, baby. Thats right.”

“Are you tryna impress Princess Rydice, Ophie?” The little girl asks, craning her head to look at him, standing in the doorway looking suddenly horrified. 

“Oh, Yes I am Junie, I love her so much and I want to make her happy!” He has a dreamy look in his eyes, looking off in admiration. 

“Are you gonna marry her?” Junie inquires, cocking her head.

“I want to, so badly!”

“Now Orpheus, we talked about this-” Hades grumbled before his wife cuts him off. 

“What are you making us tonight, my little culinary masters.” Persephone teases, resting her chin on Junie’s head. “I’m in the mood for glazed salmon with-”

“Eggs. We are making eggs. And grilled Cheese.” Hades shoots her a look, signifying that even this may result in ordering takeout late in the evening. He grabs butter and an assortment of cheeses, a carton of eggs, and some other small ingredients. 

“Thats not a real meal, daddy. Wheres the veggie?” Junie questions, resting her little face on her hand. 

“Orpheus has to learn not to burn his house down before we can teach him to blanch veggies, baby.” Hades shakes his head, but hands Junie a handful of grated cheese to munch on in the cooking process. 

Orpheus looks stunned as an egg is placed in his hand, and a small glass bowl is given to him. “Do i just..”

“Crack the egg Orpheus.”

Orpheus slams the egg into the bowl, shell going everywhere in both the yolk and on the counter top. “Oh..”

“Try again.” 

They do this half a dozen times before Orpheus can confidently crack an egg, and learns whisking skills with a fork. He learns to add milk and butter, salt and pepper. He burns the first try, and under cooks the second. The third try is plated, and slid across the island to Junie and her mother. 

Persephone gives Junie a bite before taking one herself. Persephone, either being overly kind or with overly low standards, gives orpheus a thumbs up. 

Junie, however, stares at the pale eggs and shakes her head. “Ophie you aren’t impressin’ any-body with this. You need salt.”

“Juniper! Be nice!” Persephone lectured, but hid her face in her corkscrew curls to laugh to herself. 

“I just telling the truth! It’s bland!” Junie defends, looking to her dad. 

“She’s not wrong..Just use a little more salt and you’ll be golden Orpheus. Eat your eggs then we’ll try the grilled cheese.” 

The grilled cheese does not go any better. 

“For the love of god Orpheus, you put the buttered side on the pan, and the cheese on the inside!” 

“He’s hopeless, Daddy.” Junie pokes in, eating the still uncooked cheese set out on the island. “ Rydice will marry you anyway Ophie, it’s okay if you can’t cook! Mama can’t cook either!”

“I made you, thats close enough to cooking.”  Persephone teased, poking Junie’s stomach and making her erupt into brilliant giggles. 

Orpheus is distracted by the sound, suddenly drawn to a future where it is a dark haired little girl laughing in the arms of Eurydice as he cooks a meal for his own family.  He is so distracted by the thought of Eurydice’s dark eyes on a child that he doesn’t hear Hades in the background. 

“Orpheus...Orpheus...ORPHEUS you are BURNING the toast.” He takes the spatula out of Orpheus’ hand and tosses the offending blackened sandwich away. 

“I’m sorry i’m usually not this bad...I don’t burn my own grilled cheese.”

“Because you use fake cheese. Now remember. Butter bread. Butter side down. Gruyere. Cheddar. Mozzarella. Bread Butter side up.” 

Orpheus follows the instructions, and this time, successfully develops a golden crust on the bread, with cheese oozing out just right. 

He cuts the sandwich in half and presents it to his niece/pseudo sister with pride. “Here you go Junie B.”

Junie eyes him carefully, examining all of the sandwich. “Pretty color..smells good…” She takes an apprehensive bite, then another. “It’s good, Ophie...but..”

“Whats wrong, Junie?” Hades muses, leaning down to her eye level. 

“If you were on chopped, you’d be chopped. But thats okay. My Daddy’s just better than you.” 

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Sanditon 1x08 Review

So it has been over 48 hours now since the finale aired and I have now had time to completely process everything and work through my various emotions about the episode. After the episode I did post a sort of summary of my thoughts but now that I have had the chance to rewatch the episode and organise my thoughts a bit better, as promised here is my much more detailed review of the episode. Overall I am feeling alot more optimistic about things. As I said in my previous post I understand why people are angry. I have seen countless tumblr posts and tweets talking about how Jane Austen would not have ended her story this way. And everyone is quite right about that, I too was very put out by the ending at first. But I think the issue is people are looking at this as an ending but actually its just part 1. I also think some of the issue is that Season 2 hasn’t been confirmed yet, I do feel like people would have accepted the cliffhanger more if they had announced season 2 before the finale. I am very confident that we will get a season 2. There was so much buzz around the episode. It was trending on twitter for I think it was like 5 hours in the end if I remember rightly I checked it at about 1am and it was trending at number 5. I also think (I could be wrong) that the producers of the show very much meant for people to be angry about the ending. It is sad but true that we have a habit of making a lot more noise when we are displeased with something than when we are happy. At least that has been my experience. I do however also appreciate that people feel manipulated. I did too for a while, but I have since decided that if it gets me a season 2 then ultimately I may consider forgiving them for that cheap manipulation and to look past that and instead get excited for season 2. So if you would like to know what I thought of the finale in all its glory then continue reading, naturally there is a spoiler warning in place. And as always with my reviews I would like to say that these are just my own opinions it is perfectly fine if you disagree every one is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. (Also I want to add a quick apology for how long it took me to post this. I had actually written most of it Monday morning and had intended to post it Monday afternoon but unfortunately I had a family emergency that is now thankfully resolved. I’ve now just finished it up and checked it over so yeah..) 

Esther and Babington

I am going to start the the happy part of the episode. Over the season I have loved watching Esther and Babington’s interactions with each other. They have great banter with each other but more than anything else I loved the way Babington was able to make Esther smile. We have been waiting all season for the moment we would get to see Esther finally accept that she was worthy of Babington’s love and to agree to marry him. The first thing I want to talk about in regards to this relationship is where Esther is at mentally when the episode starts. In the previous episode she had just had her heart shattered by Edward. She had this realisation that while she loved him more than anything else he loved money more than her. I think this shattered her world apart. Edward is now disowned and she feels this loss, despite how atrociously he treated her. During this episode I do feel like Esther is trying to work through and heal from this loss/grief that she is feeling. It is almost like she is in mourning for the death of her first love and the person she had thought Edward was but also for the person she was. I do feel like this episode was very much a transition for Esther. What is really interesting to me (and I’m not sure if this was deliberate or not but I like to think it was) is that we actually see Esther going through the stages of mourning etiquette throughout the episode. When we first see her in the episode she is dressed all in black and as we learn from Lady D has removed herself from society. This is her in full or deep mourning. This is when we get hers and Babington’s first scene in the episode I actually really liked how at the moment Babington is announced to Esther and Lady D you can see Esther first freeze in her piano playing like she is surprised he is there and then she is fighting back a smile. It tells us that she is pleased that he has come though she is trying to keep up the pretense that she is indifferent. Of course she continues with this pretense during the carriage ride but once again she can’t resist enjoying herself in his company. That’s one of the wonderful things about this relationship the fact that Babington is able to bring this softer more joyful side of Esther out. When she is with him she has a much more free and life loving attitude. I think this is really shown in that carriage ride scene which was one of my favourite moments of the episode. I just can’t describe how good it felt to see Esther with that much joy on her face to see her enjoying life that much. One thing I do think was very significant in that scene was when Babs hands Esther the reins. I do think this reinforces what Babs says later in the episode about how he doesn’t want to control or confine Esther. Its symbolic obviously but I do think its little moments like that that really show how a man views a woman. And well good old Babington is doing it right. 

The next time we see Esther she is wearing a light grey gown and is ready for the ball. Again this choice of a light grey gown is interesting because its the colours one would wear in half mourning. I think this symbolises that she is on her way to moving on from Edward but she still isn’t quite there. Then as we know at the ball Edward shows up exposes her and their relationship to all. I felt so awful for Esther in this scene because she went from looking so happy when dancing with Babington to just devastated when Edward shows up. She must have been feeling so many different emotions here. One the shame of being exposed but also because Edward was saying everything she had previously wanted him to say. He is telling her that he was a fool and that he loves her and is begging her to say she still loves him too. But its all too late for one and also Esther knows that he doesn’t truly mean the words. She knows now that he is again trying to manipulate her but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. She still loves him she has just come to the terrible realisation that he is no good for her and thats an awful place to be; to love someone you know will only bring you pain but still be unable to stop loving them. The only thing Esther can do in that moment is run and hide. I do want to give a quick shout out to Lady D though. Because I loved her so much when after Mrs Griffiths urges her not to judge Esther too harshly her reply is ‘I don’t judge her at all.’ I just loved that. One thing I do want to see in season 2 is more development of Esther and Lady D’s relationship because I think they could actually become quite close and I do enjoy their scenes together. 

Anyway back on track. After Edward’s outburst we get that really glorious scene where Esther believes that Babington couldn’t possible want to marry her now but he responds in the greatest possible way. I actually feel like Esther is quite the tragic character and we see that in this scene more than any other. In this scene you can really see the damage Edward has done. I mean he manipulated her for years. He made her promises about their future and how they were going to have this amazing life together when really all he cared about was the money. He would dissuade her from considering any potential suitors so that he could keep her in his grasp and yet he had no issues with taking lovers himself. He did seem to view her as his property. Unfortunately until Babington Esther’s first and only example of love was Edward. His treatment of her has led her to believe that she is unworthy of love, that every man will seek to own and control her. This is why she is in such disbelieve when Babington says he doesn’t want to own her, that all he wants is to walk through life with her and make her happy. It’s so sad when you see the look of utter confusion on her face at his statement because she just can’t comprehend why he loves her and wants to marry her. But it is also so satisfying to see her finally take that leap of faith and accept his marriage proposal. Also that kiss was perfect. I mean his initial shock because he just can’t believe this is happening and the way she brushes her nose against his and their smiles. I was squealing.   

Next we have their wedding scene. Obviously here Esther is wearing a white gown but I do think this also symbolises her coming out of ‘mourning’. When a Widow is out of mourning that is when it becomes acceptable for her to look for a suitable husband again and remarry. I do feel like although Esther may not be completely over Edward she is definitely over the worst of it. She’s ready now to embrace the love Babington is giving her. Their wedding scene was so beautiful and again I just adored how happy they looked. Also Lady D was hilarious in those scenes talking about how she wants the tiara back after the ceremony. Lady D also seemed to be in good spirits which was a nice change. 

I do think that as season 2 goes on we will see Esther finally realise that she is in love with her husband. I know she has claimed in this episode that she does not love him and that she believes that she could not ever love him the way he loves her but I actually think she might already be in love with him. I think her experiences with Edward have made her afraid to love and so she cannot accept that she might be in love with Babington. Also as I said before her only example of love is Edward and I think the love she feels for him is different from the love she feels for Babington so she is struggling to recognise it. 

The last scene we get to see them in is the morning after their wedding when they are in bed together. This is another scene I thought was really beautiful. Slightly wierd here maybe but I do have to say that I loved Esther’s hair in this scene. But the whole set up of the scene was very romantic with her hair flowing and lose and the sun rays coming in through the window. They both just look so content and the best word I can think of to describe the scene is soft. I know I spoke a lot about Esther in this section but that is because I do feel like the purpose of this relationship was more about Ether’s story and her growth. That being said I do want to say a quick word about Babington. This man is just too good for this world. I also think he was the only man who was going to be able to bring about this growth in Esther, who was going to be able to break down her walls. I think it was remarkable the way he was able to just see her for who she really was as oppose to the facade she put up. I also love him for how accepting and supporting he was of her. Also of how he didn’t expect anything in return. Whether she accepted his proposal or not he still supported her and I just think that makes him one of the most lovable characters. So yeah I am really happy with what they did with this couple and I can’t wait to see more of them in season 2. 

Tom and Sanditon’s Fate. 

Hold on to your bonnets people because what I’m about to say next may shock you. I don’t hate Tom Parker. I mean don’t get me wrong I hate what he did. I hate that he didn’t insure the work and I hate hate hate what that lead to as a result. For me Tom is a character that is incredibly flawed however I do think he is a redeemable character. I just can’t hate him because I know how much he loves his wife and his family and I do think he has redeeming qualties. Now I understand why so many people are very anti tom right now because he did royally screw up and I can see why people feel like he wasn’t punished at all and everyone else had to make sacrifices for him. But I am going to go on his defence just a little here, well sort of. To me Tom is a man who is very passionate and very determined but who struggles with asking for help when he is in trouble. Mary herself confessed this trait of his to Charlotte, I think it was in episode 3. Mary says ‘I fear my husband, like most men, is reluctant to accept help from anyone. At least you should never let him catch you in the act.’ It is this trait of Tom’s that has gotten him into so much trouble. Alot of his money issues this season could have been more easily resolved if he had asked for help sooner, he has a habit of only asking for help when he is truly desperate and it seems like the only one he ever really does ask for help from is Sidney. I think I can relate to him alot here. My family has told me on several occasions that I need to ask for help when I need it sooner. I have in the past gotten myself into trouble because I have been too ashamed and too stubbon to ask for help, I’ve tried to get myself out of the situation only for it to progressively get worse. Maybe its the fact that I have gone through this experience myself and learnt from it that makes me have a little more sympathy for Tom. By no means do I think what he did was right, he was a complete numpty to put it mildly and he put his family in danger as well as himself when he made that gamble. But I do believe that he can learn from this.

The other issue I think alot of viewers had was that they don’t feel like Tom was punished at all and that he didn’t seem to learn from it. I am in two minds about this because yes I can see where people are coming from there; it did seem like out of everyone he was the one that came out of it best. But I do think that he was very much affected by what happened and the mistakes he made. I think this shows in the scene where he is in the church and talking to Mary about how he has let everyone down. In that moment he knows that if he is ruined then so too are his family, he has a lot of guilt about this and I don’t think he’s going to be rushing to make a similar mistake again, I do think he learned from his mistake. As for punishment well for a character like Tom his punishment was knowing that his family’s entire future was at stake and not being able to do anything about it, having to let others fix it for you. Trust me when I tell you that there is no more torturous punishment then having something you truly cherish be at risk but not being able to do anything to remedy it yourself. To have to just sit and wait, for it to be in somebody else’s hands, it makes you stress and worry and wonder what the hell is going on but more than that it makes you feel useless and like a failure. This is especially true in Tom’s case. This is his punishment the knowledge that not only did he fail but he was incapable to fix it himself, that he was less than. I know some might not consider it much of a punishment but believe me when you are someone like Tom who must always be in control and know what is going on, when you’re someone who hates asking for help and when you are someone who measures their worth against how well they succeed it can be one of the very worst of punishments. 

I also saw alot of anger at the fact that Tom didn’t seem to realise how much Sidney had sacrificed to help him. But bear with me for just a moment and put yourself in Tom’s shoes, look at it from his prespective. We have to remember that Tom still believes that Sidney is in love with Eliza. Tom probably couldn’t believe his luck, not only are all his financial issues solved, Sanditon is saved and his dear brother who has saved him gets to marry the love of his life after a decade of waiting. Also its quite possible that Tom doesn’t know that marrying Eliza was part of a deal to get the money. I think its much more likely that Sidney spun it as I’m getting married to Eliza and oh by the way she’s offered to pay off the debt. Tom is currently in a blissful ignorance and has no clue that Sidney has long fallen out of love with Eliza and is now in love with Charlotte. I know this is something else that some people had problems with, that Tom is Sidney’s brother and so should have noticed that Sidney and Charlotte were in love. But here’s the thing as much as we as the audience like to romanticise it and believe that anyone with eyes must know that Sidlotte are deeply in love the reality is that very few characters in the show do. Most of them only found out in the last couple of episodes. Think about it, the first to find out was Lady Susan and she didn’t notice it from their interactions she figured it out from the way Charlotte was talking about him. The next two people to find out were Stringer and Eliza who were both in love or infatuated with one of the pair. Them being in love with one of the couple means they would be paying very close attention to the other person more so than a normal person would and so is naturally more likely to notice the small interactions between Sidlotte. Then in the last episode Georgiana, Mary and Babington find out. Georgiana only found out because Charlotte practically confessed to being in love with Sidney and Mary figured it out when she saw Sidney and Charlotte’s interaction about going into town. Which is an interaction that Tom didn’t see and Babington figures it out when he notices that Sidney hasn’t taken his eyes off her all night. So when you think about it out of all of Sanditon there are only 6 people who know about Sidney and Charlotte. They were not open about their relationship so it seems a bit harsh to me to judge Tom for not knowing when so many others were also unaware including Arthur and Diana who are also Sidney’s siblings. Also I don’t think that Mary would have told Tom about Sidney and Charlotte despite knowing herself. I don’t think she would have said anything before the fire because she was probably waiting for a formal proposal between them. She might have wanted them to be the ones to share the good news with Tom themselves. Also after the fire and Sidney’s proposal I don’t think she would have wanted to upset and cause her husband pain. Because I do believe that when Tom does eventually find out that Sidlotte are in love with each other and that Sidney gave up his chance at happiness to save his brother, he is going to be devastated. Tom’s family means the world to him you can see that in his interactions with them. So the knowledge that one of his brothers is suffering so much because of something Tom did well I think its going to destroy Tom. I do think in season 2 we are going to see Tom struggle with this. I think that is when we will really see his punishment. My hope for him in season 2 is that he comes to accept the mistake he has made and truly learn from it. I don’t neccessarily want him to step back from the Sanditon project but I would like to see him take on a partner who has equal say in all the decisions and helps Tom manage the finances of the project. I think him taking on this partner would show huge character growth and show that he is working on accepting help and admitting he can’t do it all himself. I do think Sidney would be a good candidate here because he seems to be the most sensible of the brothers and has alot of connections. But what I would really love to see is all three Parker brothers working on it together. I actually think Arthur would be good for the project financially speaking as him revealing that he has hardly touched his inheritance to me shows that he knows how to save money and how to manage it, I actually think the three of them together could be quite the dream team. You would have Tom’s vision and passion, Sidney’s connections and Arthur’s money sense. 

The other thing I want to touch on real quick is that Mary too seems to have gotten some harsh judgements from the fandom. Again I understand the frustration she knew about Sidney loving Charlotte and yet she didn’t stop him from getting engaged to Eliza or tell him to break off the engagement. But here’s how I see it, for one she is a woman which sadly in those days meant that she would have had very little say in business matters, so as much as I am sure Sidney may take her advice into consideration at the end of the day I don’t believe that her simply telling him not to do it would have stopped Sidney, he cares too much for his brother and his family. Secondly Mary has four young children, one of which is a baby to think about. Her husband going to debtors prison means they will be thrown into poverty and in those times poverty meant you may struggle to feed your children. Mary takes no pleasure in these circumstances, she knows that they are in the worst possible situation but at the end of the day a mother is always going to put her children first, as much as it hurts her to see Sidlotte broken hearted it’ll hurt a lot more to see her children hungry. Thirdly it was too late. Sidney didn’t inform them that he was planning on asking Eliza to marry him, they didn’t recieve word from him while he was in London. The first time they hear about it is when Sidney comes back and tells them. But here’s the thing by this time Sidney is formally and publically engaged. Breaking an engagement comes with consequences. To break an engagement would blacken Sidney’s character, it would put a stain on his reputation. I know some will say but Eliza broke an engagement. Yes she did but when she did she created a scandal around herself. She just considered it worth it for the money. We know it caused a scandal because Lady Susan makes the comment about knowing all about Lady C. Which shows that people are still talking about it a decade later. My point is by the time Mary discovers that Sidney is engaged there is nothing she can do about it. If she had known before the engagement then yes maybe she could have tried to talk him out of it but not after. Sidney is essentially trapped at this point because backing out would damage his reputation. Even if they somehow miraculously came by 80,000 pounds growing on a money tree Sidney would still be obligated to marry Eliza. 

So the last thing I want to talk about in this section is the whole why didn’t they find another way of getting the money because there were other people who were wealthy. Lady Susan, Georgiana and Lord Babington for example. I will admit that I too was hoping that one of these three would come to the rescue but having thought on it I can see why that wouldn’t have made any sense at this point in the story. Alot of this can be answered by one thing. Tom’s mistake was bad, it was really really bad and if it was public knowledge that he had not insured the work and that he had essentially lost not only his but Lady D’s money by taking a gamble, well he would be more than just financially ruined. His reputation would be too. It would be a scandal. Unfortunately in those days a scandal effected the whole family. It wouldn’t be just Tom that would be ruined it would be his wife and children, his brothers, his sister. They all would have shared in his downfall. Reputation was everything. Public opinon mattered. If you had a bad reputation then for the men that meant no one would want to do business with you. This would have extended to Sidney as well, his own business prospects would have been damaged along with Tom’s. For the woman it means they may not be able to find husbands, or those who are already married like Mary may find she is ostracised from polite society. So Sidney did not go to London and ran about the place telling everyone ‘oh yeah Tom didn’t insure the work, what a silly sausage huh, don’t suppose you’ve got 80,000 pounds we can have to keep him out of debtor’s prison.’ Nope he would have been trying to be discreet. He would be doing everything in his power to make sure people didn’t find that out. It is possible that news of the fire would have reached London. I suspect the plan was for Sidney to say something like we’re repairing Sanditon but we want to make it even bigger and better than it was before would you like to invest. I suspect he was looking for several investors who could each put a bit of money in. However I think by the time it got to the end of the week that Lady D gave him he either didn’t have any investors or didn’t have enough of them. I think Eliza probably put two and two together as I feel like she probably has a good sense of the Parker family from their previous engagement. She saw an oppotunity and used it to her advantage. She offered the full amount in exchange for his hand in marriage. 

As for the other three people they could of asked. None of them were realistic either. Babington even if he was willing to put the money in I don’t think has enough. 80,000 is a huge amount. To put it in prespective Mr Bingly who was considered to be someone of fortune in pride ad prejudice only had 5,000 a year. I’m not sure how much Babington does have but I’m pretty sure its not enough.  Also Sidney isn’t the kind of person who would expect his friend to pay for his brothers mistake. Even if Babington did offer to help I think Sidney would still have had to find someone else to put up the rest of the money and as he had so much trouble with it before I don’t think he would have found anyone. Also as much as they are friends when I say they were trying to keep Tom’s situation quiet I mean really quiet its likely the only people who knew were the Parker family and Charlotte who at this point lets be honest pretty much is considered one of the Parkers by the family. So I don’t think Sidney would even have told Babington about the situation. Also I saw some comments about how Babs is even richer now because he is married to Esther but the thing is she isn’t wealthy we learnt that very early on in the season. She is the sole heir of Lady D’s money but Lady D’s not dead yet and her money has been lost by Tom so thats not really an option either. 

As for Lady Susan and why Charlotte didn’t ask her. Well at the time the disaster happened Charlotte didn’t know that Sidney marrying Eliza was an option. She believed that Sidney was going to London to sort it all out and then when he came back he was going to ask her to marry him. She wouldn’t have considered it her place to interfer in that. Sidney himself says he doesn’t know how he’s going to fix it. The point I’m making is we the audience all have the power of hindsight. The characters don’t. We can sit here and say oh if they had gone to Lady Susan then Sidney wouldn’t have had to have got engaged to Eliza, Susan would have done it to make sure Charlotte and Sidney were happy. And yes I do think if Susan had known that prior to the engagement she would have offered the money. But as I said nobody knew that Tom’s problem with the debt was going to effect Charlotte and Sidney. Also Sidney wouldn’t have asked Lady Susan himself as they are barely aquainted. The delicate nature of the situation meant he likely would have stuck with the contacts he already had as he wouldn’t have wanted it to become widely known that Sanditon and by extension his brother was facing finiancial difficulties. 

Georgiana’s inheritance is another option, one that I myself in a spat of desperation brought up. But now that I have had time to think about it again at this point in the story it wouldn’t have made sense. For one Sidney is Georgiana’s guardian and responsible for her money until she comes of age, it would have been very wrong of him to use her money without her permission. That’s her money. Also I don’t think Sidney asked her because he’s got no reason to believe that she would be willing to help him and his family. We can’t forget that Georgiana and Sidney do not have the greatest relationship right now so why would she be willing to help him. Yes I think if she knew it would cost Charlotte her happiness then Georgiana might have helped but as I’ve said this situation at the time that they were looking for the money wasn’t about Charlotte’s happiness or Sidlotte, it wasn’t about stopping Sidney from getting engaged because nobody knew that was going to happen. I truly do believe it was a case of Sidney ran out of time. We have to remember that he was only given a week which isn’t really alot of time at all. I think he got to the end of the week and had no more options by this point so he had no choice but to make that deal with Eliza. So again if Sidney had asked for the money it would only have been for Tom’s sake not to stop an unwanted engagement and Georgiana has no reason to want to help Tom. So again that narrative wouldn’t have made sense within the storyline.

Unfortunately I do think that the combination of the situation being so delicate they had to be more reserved in their attempts at finding the money coupled with the fact that no one could have forseen (I’m talking characters here I know the audience saw it coming a mile off) Eliza’s offer and how that would put Sidney between a rock and a hard spot I fear Sidlotte was just doomed and there was no other way out for them.   

Sidlotte

Ok in this part I am actually going to start with the heartbreaking part first because this middle section of my review is starting to get really depressing, at least this way we can end it on a more positive note. So obviously the whole Sidney being engaged to Eliza really sucks. I said in a previous post that I don’t blame Sidney for his decision I really do think it was just a case of he ran out of time, he was in a difficult and stressful situation and felt he had no choice. I do however think that Sidney blames himself. I think he is carrying alot of guilt and I think he is very heartbroken. I do think he believes he has done the same thing Eliza did to him to Charlotte and in a way yes he has in that he has chosen someone else for their money. However I personally think that on closer inspection the two situations are very different which is why Eliza is presented to us as more of a villian while Sidney is a tragic victim of circumstance. Here’s the difference between the two situations and why I think it matters. First off its important to note that Sidlotte were not formally engaged. Yes there was an understanding between the two of them that he intended to make her a proposal but technically he had made no formal promise to her. However Sidney and Eliza were formally engaged before she broke it off to marry a richer man. As I’ve said earlier formal engagements are taken very seriously its pretty much like you are married already and to break an engagement was very much looked down on. Also while I don’t know the circumstances of why Eliza married a richer man and whether it was because she needed to or just because she wanted the money we do know the circumstances of why Sidney did, he needed to help his brother, his actions while abit grey morally were done selflessly. Also in previous Austen adaptions when someone marries for money usually we are informed as to why they have like for example Willoughby (sense and sensibilty) marries the richer Miss Grey because his aunt has disowned him leaving him without a fortune. However we are given no explanation as to why Eliza chose to marry for money so I think we are suppose to assume she just was that shallow that she cared more about money. They do seem to be writing her that way as someone who cares for materialistic things, an example of this is the fact that she wants such an elaborate wedding and seems to scoff at the smaller simpler country wedding that Esther and Babs had. So while the two situations are similar I don’t think they are the same. Eliza willingly left him for another man simply because he had more money while Sidney has very much been trapped into it. 

In regards to how Charlotte reacts to the situation I do have to say it makes me love her all the more. She is so understanding despite the fact that her heart has been broken. I must admit though in that scene where he has caught up with her carriage and he asks ‘Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.’ For a moment I did think that she was going to answer. ‘I don’t think too badly of you, I don’t think of you at all.’ But I am glad that she didn’t because I don’t think it would have been true to Charlotte’s character. As for why I don’t think Charlotte thinks too badly of him I think its because she knows the only reason he has done this is for his brother. It made me think of the conversation between her and Stringer where Stringer asks why his dad had to be so stubbon and she replies ‘because that’s who he was, it’s what you loved him for.’ I do think this can also be applied to Sidlotte in this instance. Sidney is a man who will do anything for his brother and part of that is down to the fact that Charlotte encouraged him in that. It’s who he is and its what Charlotte loves him for. This is why she can’t be angry with him. She knows that he didn’t do this to hurt her, it wasn’t a case of he didn’t love Charlotte anymore, and she knows he would have done everything else he possibly could’ve before coming to this decision. For me as heartbreaking as the scene where he tells her about the engagement was I actually found myself crying alot more at that scene where they say goodbye at the carriage. I mean can we put are hands together for Rose and Theo because damn that acting was phenomenal. I really believed their heartbreak and there were so many varying emotions in their expressions. The part where he confesses he doesn’t love Eliza and Charlotte asks him not to talk like that really got to me because you can see that for Charlotte as hard as it is for her to be without Sidney the idea that he will be miserable for the rest of his life is a worse pain to her. She is so selfless that she wants him to love Eliza because she wants more than anything for him to be happy and this is what makes her different from Eliza and as Stringer put it twice the woman Eliza is. For me one thing I hate Eliza for is the fact that she knows that Sidney loves Charlotte and yet she still insisted on his hand in marriage. If she didn’t know about them I might have been more sympathetic towards her but the fact that she does just shows how selfish she is. Whereas Charlotte wants Sidney to be happy even over her own happiness Eliza only cares about what she wants. That’s what makes her the villian over Tom for me. As much as Tom screwed things up for Sidlotte he did it unknowingly. Eliza knew exactly what she was doing and then had the audacity to be smug about it and make a dig at Charlotte about her country background again. 

The thing is Sidney’s response when Charlotte says ‘you must try to make her happy’ tells us alot of how he sees this situation with Eliza. He says ‘yes I must keep up my end of the bargain.’ He is literally looking at his marriage to Eliza as a business arrangement and I can’t help but wonder what kind of a woman is ok with that. Eliza may think she has won but at the end of the day she’s going to be tied to a husband who does not love her and never will, he will spend the rest of their marriage pining after another woman and I struggle to understand why Eliza would want that. There is one thing that I find kind of ironic. I was rewatching episode 7 and I came to that scene where Lady Susan, Sidlotte and Eliza were talking about marriage and Eliza makes that comment about how Charlotte should be limited to her villiage because she thinks marriage is helped by having a common background. The thing is when you look at Charlotte and Sidney’s backgrounds they were very different. Charlotte has grown up in the country in a kind of sheltered upbringing. She’s not gone far from home before, she seemed very much to be the caretaker of the family, helping her parents with the children. From what we know she hasn’t been in love before and all in all has a very naive, dreamy, romanticised view of the world. She is clearly keen to experience adventure having been secluded to her home villiage so far. Sidney on the other hand has alot more life experience and has seen alot more of the world and so knows the difficulties of it. He knows that people can scheme and that sometimes people aren’t always what they seem. He has seen the cruelties us humans can inflict on each other. He has fallen in love and then had his heart broken which is given him a much harsher view of the world. However since coming to Sanditon Charlotte has experienced alot more. The whole storyline with Otis and to some extent Clara and Edward has shown her that not all people are as they seem. The treatment and then abduction of Georgiana has shown her how cruel some people can be to others and how prejudice. She has fallen in love. She now matches Sidey’s background alot more than she did at the start of the season. The ironic part is that the final thing they didn’t have in common is that Charlotte had never experienced heartbreak like Sidney had, in this they did not match. That was until Eliza’s own schemeing lead to Sidney having to break Charlotte’s heart and chose a wealthier woman over her a similar situation as to which he himself experienced. It’s just hilarious to me that Eliza has unwittingly given Sidney and Charlotte a common background something that by her own estimation is something that is needed in a successful marriage. The part that I find even more amusing is the fact that if anything Eliza is the one who doesn’t have a common background with Sidney. Where as he has had that heartbreak I don’t feel like Eliza really did. I know she claims that she had waited ten years to be with him again but it didn’t seem that sincere to me. I do feel like she’s had a fairly easy time of it surrounded by her riches whereas Sidney has had alot of struggles in those ten years. So yeah I actually think in making this situation Eliza has kind of brought about her own downfall. 

Ok doom and gloom part over now I want to talk about happy stuff. Ok first up that walk on the cliffside before the kiss was soo adorable. Like how awkardly shy they both were and bless Sidney’s lil socks, the way he was stumbling over his words. He is clearly very smitten and it was just so adorably cute. Now of course we need to talk about the important part. That Kiss. I loved it. It was perfect. So lets look at it in great detail. I love the way he says her name first, its just so soft and you can here the love in his voice and he is looking at her so tenderly. You can just tell that he is studying every little detail on her face, like he wants to memorize it. She’s the same though a little shyier and when she says ‘yes?’ you can tell that she’s in that dreamy stage, she just can’t take her eyes off him and her head is all foggy and she’s feeling all these new feelings for the first time. And they’re getting closer and closer, then the kiss itself I nearly died of happiness. Also the set up of it was so so romantic. With them up on the cliff and that beautiful view behind them. How her hair is blowing in the wind and how the camera circles around them and the music, the music was so beautiful. I mean it was the epitome of a romantic kiss. I also loved that little moment when Sidney breaks the kiss and Charlotte moves back in and brushes her lips against his because she just needs more. I also love how close they stay after the kiss with their foreheads touching and their noses. I could literally talk about this kiss forever. However unfortunately we don’t have time for that.

So now its time for the ball. Bless them both they kept trying so hard to get alone together and they just kept getting interrupted. I actually found it quite amusing. It definitely upped the anticipation. I also liked that Mary had that conversation with Charlotte before the ball about how Tom proposed to her at a ball because it again added to that anticipation. Also loved how they couldn’t take their eyes off each other. I espeicially enjoyed the little scene where Sidney was just watching Charlotte dance with such love on his face. I’ll never get over the way they look at each other. Obviously the highlight of the ball scene was that moment on the balcony. I loved that he brought up the last time they were on the balcony and apologised for the way he spoke to her. I think it shows a lot of character growth and if there is one thing I love seeing in tv shows its character growth. There was so much that was great about this scene, the way they held each others hands and how Sidney was stroking hers. I also love that she said he was the same man but improved. I like that she didn’t think that he needed to become a different man altogether to be worthy of her. She loves him for who he is. I also loved that he said that him becoming a better man was down to her, her love was what brought out the best in him which is what love does. I also believe that Sidney brings out the best in Charlotte too and that’s what makes them so compatible. Of course we all know that he was going to propose at that moment but sadly Edturd (and yes that is a deliberate mis-spelling of his name) just had to interrupt them. Not that I am at all bitter about that. 

The other scene between them that I actually really thought was sweet was the scene when Charlotte was seeing Sidney off to London. It did very much remind me of a wife seeing off her husband. Also I love how he brings her in so close to him and its so obvious that he wants to kiss her and so obvious that she wants him to kiss her. It was just a really sweet scene that on second watch takes on a bit of a bittersweetness because we know how its going to turn out. But I still have hope for Sidlotte. This is very obviously not the end and I think that Lady D’s line of ‘I’ll wager we’ll see you walking down the ailse very soon Miss Heywood, What do you think Mr Parker’ was more directed at the audience. At first it felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach especially because of the looks of sadness on their faces and how Sidney looks away because he just can’t bare it. But then when I thought about it I actually think this is the writers way of saying don’t give up, that there’s still hope. I think it was very significant that Lady D called on Sidney for an answer there. So yeah Sidlotte are endgame and nothing can convince me otherwise. 

Where do we go from here.

This is the last section you’ll be relieved to read. Here I want to talk about what I think will happen in season two. Obviously there are a few issues that need to be fixed. Firstly we have the issue of if Sidlotte are going to get back together they kinda need to be in the same place. At the moment Charlotte is back home so the question is how do they get her back to Sanditon. Well I don’t think they will. Mainly because I don’t think Sidney is going to be in Sanditon I think he’s going to be London. One because we have seen him go back and forth quite a bit this season and to me it seemed as if his main place of resisdence is London. Also Eliza talked about how they were having a London wedding and she doesn’t seem like the type to me to enjoy being in Sanditon all that much so I suspect first chance she gets she’ll be dragging Sidney back there. Also I think some of the other characters will also be going back there. At the end of the finale Diana and Arthur seemed to be travelling back to London as well. Also Georgiana has been going on and on about wanting to be back in London so it is possible that now that Charlotte is gone Sidney might concede and let Georgiana come back so he can keep a closer eye on her. So despite the show’s title I actually think that for the first few episodes at least it will be set in London. 

Now who do we know in London who might want to invite Charlotte to visit them. Oh yeah Lady Susan. I reckon she’s going to hear about the engagement and be like hell nah not on my watch. I then think she’ll invite Charlotte to come and spend some time with her in London putting Charlotte and Sidney in the same place again. Prepare for lots of longing looks. I also think that Lady Susan in going to play an Emma type role here. In that she will scheme and meddle and play match maker to her heart’s content.   

So now that we’ve got the characters all in the same place we need to solve the other problem. I have mentioned several times in this review that the fact that Sidney is formally engaged to Eliza makes it hard for him to break the engagement off. But in order for Sidlotte to get together the engagement has to be broken. I don’t think that Sidney and Eliza will actually get married I think that might be taking it too far. To my knowledge (and do correct me if I’m wrong) but Austen has never done that before. Her main characters have had engagements before that have broken but I don’t believe she has ever had them actually marry someone else and then get together. Also the only way really that Sidlotte would be able to get together if they had gotten married would be for Eliza to die and I don’t know that just doesn’t sit well with me. For me the engagement has to end before they are married. The other issue is not only does it need to end but in order to keep Sidlotte’s love as untainted as possible it needs to be done in a way that doesn’t lessen Sidney’s character. By that I mean it needs to be done in a way where Sidney cannot be blamed for it. There are two ways in which they could do this. The first is that Eliza has to do something that is so bad that it would be acceptable for Sidney to break the arrangement. For example if Eliza were caught having an affair. Now this is possible, I could see Lady Susan manipulating the situation and then making sure it was exposed. But in my opinion I think they are more likely to go the second route. In the books Lady D has actually been widowed twice. Her first husband gave her a fortune and her second a title. However in the show we’ve only ever heard her speak of one husband. Now it could just be a case of the writers didn’t see any need to mention it but one line sticks out to me. That is when Lady D is talking about how it is better to be loved than to love and Ether asks if she’s talking about her own experiences. Lady D says that line ‘oh not with my husband.’ To me if she had more than one husband then the line should have been ‘oh not with either of my husbands.’ I personally think that they might actually give that storyline to Eliza. They have already put alot of emphasis on how she married for money and how she is now a widow. So I suspect she will be tempted by the prospect of a title. Now if only there were a character in this show who had a title but not a lot of money and is known to scheme in order to get his hands on alot of money. Oh wait Edturd Damnhim. Yup I suspect that Edward is going to seduce Eliza and tempt her with his title and she will forsake Sidney for Edward most likely running off in the middle of the night to wed in the most shocking of manners. High society will just be all a buzz and that poor Sidney Parker has been most grievously mistreated once again by that Eliza woman he should find himself a nice young lady like Miss Heywood to settle down with. I do also think that this situation may come about not just because of Edward’s schemeing but Lady Susan’s too. After all someone has to put the idea in his head. I also think that Lady Susan may have some help with her plan and I think this may come from Georgiana. Sidney and Georgiana’s relationship is still something that needs to be resolved. I do think after it has been that Georgiana upon seeing both her guardian and friend’s misery will try to help bring them back together.

There is another reason why I think that Georgiana might help. Anyone who read my theory post will know that I didn’t think that the wedding scene was going to be Esther and Babs. This was largely based on the scene at the end of the opening credits that depicted a wedding with Georgiana prominent in the scene. Now the thing thats been bugging me since the episode is that this scene still doesn’t fit in anywhere. Although there was a wedding and Georgiana was shown as being there she didn’t play any significant role in that scene. Now it could just be they got to the end of the credits and realised they hadn’t depicted Georgiana anyway so was like just draw her into the wedding scene. But I don’t think so I feel like they were way to accurate with everything else for that to be the case here. So I went back and I looked again. Now like I said they were very accurate in the other scenes including the colour and style of clothing they were wearing. However in the scene where Esther and Babs get married Georgiana is wearing a white dress with a yellow jacket. Yet in the credits she’s dressed in a blue dress. Then I looked even closer and noticed another significant detail. We know that Esther and Babs get married in summer. Its not long after the midsummer ball and the guests are dressed in lighter materials and more summer colours and well its sunny out. However the blue dress Georgiana is wearing has a fur collar. 

Also if you look at the other people they too seem to be in warmer clothes, thicker coats and warmer colours. My conclusion is this is a winter wedding, or at the very least Autumn. It’s taking place in colder weather. Therefore this can’t be depicting Esther and Babs wedding. So I actually think this is a clue for season 2. I still think it could be Sidlotte’s wedding. It’s possible that the reason why Georgiana is the prominent in this moment is because she was instrumental in bringing it about. What I don’t want it to be though is that its Sidney and Eliza’s wedding and the reason why Georgiana is standing in this scene is because she’s about to object and reveal some scandalous reason why these two may not be wed. For me this is a troupe thats has just been overused and is a bit too predictable. 

Ok so far we have had Lady Susan invites Charlotte to London and most liklely keeps throwing her in the path of Sidney so their love can stay ignited, meanwhile she and Georgiana are convincing Edward to persue Eliza. Eliza unable to resist the temptation of being both rich and titled goes back on her deal with Sidney and runs off in the night to elope with Edward. Sidney and Charlotte grow back together. But there is a problem. With Eliza gone Sanditon, Tom and the Parker family are back where they started, on the brink of ruin. But never fear Lady Susan is here. Now it is possible that this issue will be resolved by Lady Susan just giving the money herself but I actually think it might go another way. Upon hearing of the broken engagement Tom and the Parkers in a desperate attempt decide to hold some kind of event to garner interest in Sanditon. Similar to the regatta. Naturally Lady Susan will attend and she will bring her friend the Prince Regent with her. I feel like they’ve mentioned him too much for him not to appear. Also Lady Susan did hint that she might bring him next time. Obviously the Prince Regent is going to fall in love with Sanditon and will endorse it. Now that they have the Prince Regent’s endorsement investors will start rolling in all wanting to cash in on the Prince Regent’s favourite resort, all the houses will be let and Sanditon will become the grandest most popular seaside resort just as Tom envision. Sidlotte will get married and they will all live happily ever after. Of course if they want to carry on with more seasons after that there is still plenty they could explore. The quirky characters that come to the resort, Sidlotte’s first child and Esther/Bab’s first child. Stringers journey to becoming a architect and him falling in love. Georgiana finding love. They could have Clara turn back up and make a nuisance of herself some how. Just so long as they don’t mess with my precious Sidlotte anymore it’s all good with me. 

So that’s it for now. I hope and really do believe we will get a season 2. As I said it was trending but also I do think the ratings were pretty good too. I hope we get an announcement soon and I wouldn’t say no to a christmas special either. I will say that now that I have gone back and watched it again I do think that this was a good episode. I do think it was a very good season 1 finale too. It has left me wanting more. What do you guys think? Are you feeling any better about the finale? Are you hoping for a season 2?  

[ssironstrange]

endgame rant

SPOILERS AHEAD PLEASE AVOID IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET

yeah i know i said i wouldn’t post spoiler shit but listen i gotta get this off my chest ok

i have some REAL BIG FUCKING ISSUES with the way the russos handled a lot of plotlines. don’t get me wrong, this movie was amazing and epic and fucking award worthy, but as a fan i’ve taken offense to a Lot of things.

clint

nothing about his ronin story makes a lick of fucking sense in the mcu. his family is dusted so he…… goes on a mass murdering spree??? decides that he should get a haircut and spend the next five years getting an edgy tattoo sleeve??? um. okay then. destroy the past like 10 years of his character having one of the best moral compasses of the entire team. why did he take up using a fucking SWORD in present day? do you know how long it takes to master swordsmanship at the level he was? with at least half of the world’s teachers gone? more than five fucking years thats for damn sure. and between him and natasha dying for the soul stone? it should have been him. i know he had a family and all but listen. nat went through physical and psychological torture. her body was modified against her will. she was brainwashed and used. and finally, FINALLY she gets free of it all, finds a family in the avengers, and continues to try and better herself to make up for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. and clint? what did he suffer? oh thats right. nothing. he’s just damn good at his job and loves his family. the fact he has a family sucks for sacrifice, but they are well taken care of and every single one of his kids are old enough to understand AND nat would have stepped in immediately as a parental figure to help laura. they fucking fridged nat for clint and i will never forgive that.

thor

here we go. thor’s character legit made me uncomfortable. they went way overboard with the new thor personality. but… fatshaming and making fun of his very real depression and ptsd?? wtf russos. like, haha he let himself go so funny but its NOT. he wasn’t even like…. fat, for one. just a normal dadbod and beer belly. which by the way seems a lot more realistic according to most norse myths of the gods. they were warriors, yeah, but they drank a fucking lot and feasted a fucking lot so. anyway. thor has lost his entire family. not only that but he watched them all die. he saw his mother bleed out. he watched his father disperse into nothingness. he watched the brother he has loved and cherished no matter the amount of times of betrayal and misdeeds get his neck snapped and his lifeless body thrown to the ground. and then the sister he never knew he had killing almost all of your people and then being forced to find a way to kill her. can you imagine trying to cope with that??? and when you put his age into our perspective, he’s only in his 20s. so imagine seeing your whole family die before you’re even 25, then taking on the responsibility of ruling your people. said surviving people are then massacred in front of you with only a few dozen escaping. THEN living with the guilt of blowing your chance to kill the man responsible for that and unable to stop him from decimating half the universe. (and even when he does get revenge on him, it’s too late) tell me you wouldn’t have an atomic level meltdown. thor is suffering so much and all they can do is make fun of him for it and shame him for it. he deserved better.

steve

yall know i don’t like steve. i don’t hate him and i’m not anti-steve, i’ve just never enjoyed his rather inconsistent character and self-righteousness. it felt like we were FINALLY getting a steve i could get behind in this. a steve that swears like he should. a steve who still puts on a brave face for the public but behind closed doors with friends he’s miserable and broken like the rest of them and SHOWS it to them. a steve who realizes he is stuck in the past and just can’t seem to move forward. a steve who i can finally see the culmination of EVERYTHING he’s been through resting on his shoulders and eating him alive inside. finally we were getting a properly layered steve rogers. and then tony came back and that all fell apart. we didn’t get the apology steve owed him (and tbh tony owed him one too but we’ll get to that), we didn’t get a remorseful steve. he didn’t even address the goddamn issue. he went straight back to his bullshit. admittedly he was a better listener this time around and a far better team player overall. it wasn’t a total loss. but. BUT. his ending? no. hell fucking no. i’m happy he and peggy got their life, but it still shouldn’t have happened. how fucking selfish. how fucking backwards of his character. i get he didn’t have a choice in being brought back into the present and that is unfair and sucks for him, but what fucking right did he have to mess with a timeline like that? what right did he have to just decide without telling anyone he was done and giving up? why did he get the fucking happy ending???? steve rogers who looked tony in the eyes and said he wasn’t the kind of man to lay on the wire for someone copped out. steve rogers who knows of all the social progress we’ve made decides to go back to a time where he would be forced to accept segregation and extreme gender inequality and rampant, blatant, gross racism of all sorts oh and more war and alkjdalksdhkas NO plus they broke their own time travel rules so like whatever i guess right?? it’s okay if steeb gets his stupid happy ending right? god is it SO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONCE TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OFCAP???? it’s not your fault cevans honey you’re doing amazing your directors just have no fucking idea 

tony

frankly this has been amongst rdj’s best performances of tony. i’m still partial to a lot of his acting in the iron man movies BUT this was FANTASTIC. him finally being allowed to absolutely go off on steve was fucking delicious and everything i was waiting for. let it all out tony baby. buuuuut we should have also had something more. i know my fellow tony stans typically don’t believe it but tony was wrong in civil war too. surprise they both fucking were. ANYWAY. i was waiting for an honest apology between them both. after everything they just went through, NONE of the petty bullshit they went through before matters at all. and yet the closest thing we get is tony just being like “turns out i don’t like to hold grudges” or what the fuck ever. why is it so hard just to make one of them say i’m sorry, the other say i’m sorry, admit it was a bunch of BULLSHIT hug it out and then go forward???? ugh. their choice to make tony suddenly care about his dad and be happy to see him???? disgusting. they made it canon that howard was an abuser, neglectful, cold, and hateful. it’s been a BIG DEAL how tony has struggled with the relationship to his dad because of how shitty the man was to him. and then they do tHAT? fuuuuCK that!!!! i’m not saying tony isn’t allowed to forgive howard. thats fine and expected tbh. but they pushed it way too far. the tony stark we’ve known for the last decade would never get all giddy and happy to see him and hug him and fucking thank him??? what the fuckk?? god that was gross. you know what we should have gotten? what tony deserved more than howard fucking stark? MARIA STARK!! and then, of course, my main issue. they fucking killed him. which only tells us, the audience and fans that no matter what you suffer and sacrifice that your only way to redemption is death. jesus fucking christ i am SO angry over this. they killed the two who suffered the fucking most. the two who every single goddamn day worked on being a better person. nat and tony both deserved so much better than waht they got. how the fuck did it make sense to kill tony who now has a fucking CHILD, who still has a future, who FINALLY FOR ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE FOUND A SHRED OF PEACE????? and then let steve just go selfishly galavant through time as he pleases to have the cute happy ending? FUCK that ending. fuck it right up the ass with a huge unlubed cock. steve should have been the one to use the gauntlet. period. he should have been the one to die like that. i would have still fucking cried but you know what?? that would be the most cap thing ever. i wanted a mirror of pre-serum steve jumping on that grenade, but this time grabbing the gauntlet and not hesitating for a split second to snap. but no. they killed tony who left behind a wife who DESERVED MORE THAN HAVING THE MAN SHES LOVED AND SUPPORTED AND MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD WITH RIPPED AWAY FROM HER!!! tony who left behind a daughter too young to really comprehend yet why her daddy isn’t going to be coming back. fuck you russos. the injustice of it is astounding. i’m never going to get over it. you know how they could have killed tony? if they really felt like they needed to? have him grow old and die naturally of old age with pepper in their cute little lakeside house after watching morgan grow into such a strong and brilliant person. but oh. they gave that to steve. right.

stephen

i’ll never complain about having more stephen content but uhhhh i’m gonna complain that we didn’t get more than what we got cause after sitting in the soulworld for five fucking years you canNOT tell me he didn’t get even stronger with time to practice and meditate and work through every iota of information of mystical shit in his head. and yet they sidelined him??? after we’ve SEEN what he’s capable of in IW? just gonna put him on flood control???? something that any of those goddamn sorcerers could have done while he helps wipe the floor with thanos or any of the thousands of enemies? fuuuuuuuuuck that. can you fucking imagine how quickly thanos would have been taken out if it were wanda, carol, and stephen all three against him? jesus. he’s literally amongst the most powerful people but nah, just have him stand over there.

the gay russo

FUCK you for that. i am LIVID about it. yall can’t fucking make valkyrie bi???? or carol????? yall can’t GET AN ACTUAL GAY ACTOR? “ We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that. “ WHAT????????? are you fucking telling me a WOC WHO IS OUT AS BISEXUAL AND WANTS HER CHARACTER TO BE BISEXUAL COULDNT ENSURE THE INTEGRITY OF AN LGBT CHARACTER???????????????? “ It is a perfect time, because one of the things that is compelling about the Marvel Universe moving forward is its focus on diversity.”  SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT????? oh my god fuck them forever.

lets make rules for our time travel then break them immediately

idek whats going on in the timeline anymore. they utterly fucked up and BROKE the timeline of 2012 avengers after letting loki get away with the tesseract. which should have cascaded into their future but, well, it didn’t. so i GUESS now we’re just pretending that made a new timeline which makes no goddamn sense but whatever i guess. steve going back to completely fuck with his timeline, or a timeline at least, and having no consequences in the future besides being old. okay. sure??? we can do all that but we can’t fucking get natasha back. right. cool. okay.

anyway i’m sure theres more bugging me but these are the things bothering me most.

and frankly i don’t care if anyone disagrees i’m not arguing or debating any of this. 

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[jascnbrody-archive]

think i got it.

i post a lot abt smugly Knowing How J Works w/out like ever talking abt how i think j works. or even like.. what his fam is like bc i think thats like, important. esp w the themes of the game (u kno what vaas says.)

n theres probably parts of the game/j that i read like completely wrong and against what ubisoft wanted or planned. like i rly dnt think js parents are like Blown Out Fully Rich like i think. i think. js dads parents. are rich. country club rich. i dnt think his parents are. i think js dad had a really basic job as like, either a security dude or like, a coast guard. n his mom ran a restaurant w her mom. (who i for like. no reason think is cuban. im white. so its not like, to make him more relatable to me like i think its just i want j to kno spanish so i want him to have it in his genealogy. and like him being........... even slightly mixed honestly rly fucks w the whole. thing. (also rileyd get his curly hair from there. i think his hair honestly throws me thru a loop even tho curly haired white people arent like, weird or anything)) but yeah theyre like upper upper middle class but, like, not Rich rich. 

ANYWAY...........  i think his mom was a rly private and snarky person. she cares a lot abt her kids but like. she struggles w emotions n j got that from her. i think he does have like, depression mostly bc he cant figure out what hes doing and no one will like. be honest w him. and he literally cannot reflect inward and that causes like, stress for him. bc he’ll Feel Wrong but not be able to place why. bc he cant reflect. he cant blame himself. and he cant be open abt any feelings he does have bc he cant even really decipher them.

he is like, actively suicidal and harming himself but not in like any way that anyone he lives w watches for. drinking is just “his lifestyle” and him loving to go skydiving is just j being daring and not “i hope this parachute fails so i dont have to think abt a career”

like hes cheating on liza (Often.) to force Her the be the one to break up w him bc he doesnt like, want to confront or think on the fact that hes not happy and theres Ways To Solve That. hes not looking to get better hes looking to get worse bc hes already given up on like Doing Something.

ALSO he really doesnt feel guilt right. like he’ll Feel it but not Deeply. he mostly just feels guilty abt having to Fake Guilt. like hes aware of it. he knows how he should feel bc hes like... seen it on other people. and he can recognize when he does something Really Very Wrong n he’ll be like “😬😬😬😬 ooop” but then he’ll like. make a joke abt it. (his one liners................ like its part trauma part like, he honest 2 god doesnt think its serious.)

i think hes got to like.. face that after he beats riley bc thats like, the worst thing (to him) that hes done. n it Makes Him Feel Bad bc he like, went too far n he knos he went too far. like he didnt have to shove a thumb into rileys Gaping Wound like he did that bc he rly wanted to hurt riley bc ?? he ? just did ? its not like its something He Learned. no ones done that to Him. he doesnt mind hurting people. he was told to hurt riley. riley said he could hurt him. so j Hurt Him. like he just Did it.

n him (ykno. possibly.) killing his friends would never be to be with citra its like. its just bc he (wouldve) wanted to. hes given the chance to hurt someone and he has to convince himself Not to hurt them. hes Not like vaas. (it sounds like vaas but its not .  that i cant explain . vaas is totally different in what he does. hes theatrical abt it but hes understanding of the impression and trauma hes faced bc of violence hes seen and been a part of. jason has been searching for a chance to be violent since he was born. vaas had no choice and like, j doesnt really either, but even if he did hed have chosen the path of violence. vaas wouldve loved something more quiet.)

i still think he mopes abt what hes done. for a time. like up until vaas comes back around and then j sees. what its really like to Have Thoughts abt what youve done. then he realizes he like, doesnt even really mean half of it. and Thats what was really getting to him. idk. j just doesnt kno much and he cant read into much and he cant comprehend what he does and why he does it. hes sort of blank. hes just a dude who wanted to do whatever he wanted.

and its not like he Doesnt feel bad. like his body count is huge. he nearly killed his friends. he beat the fuck out of his little brother. he feels bad about Things but not the entire thing. hes got things he’ll pick out as like “that was fucked up of me, woops :(” but overall hes like. going to choose to stay on the island. so he can up his body count (and brag about it probably. and any sort of Interesting Kill he did.). and be with vaas. which he feels 0 guilt over.

also i probably think of him as being too like. impervious. and quiet? like. he rly talks a decent bit. hes noisy. hes p loud. but i think of him as a rly quiet person?? like when i think of vaas n j talking i think honestly of vaas just monologuing and j only like. nodding and grunting in response. i think j just goes silent a lot unless he can like. make a joke. or on the rare occasion where he like Realizes smthn abt what vaas or someone else said. bc like he’ll Listen when he wants to (which with vaas (and vaas only. vaas’d get so much special treatment and he wouldnt even like, kno. bc he has nothing to compare it to until j starts telling vaas stories abt california n how he acted there (*)). is most times) and when theres like, no distractions, and he’ll think but most things he wont take to heart unless vaas words it Just Right so j can understand fully.

i guess thats like, a big comfort to me. j finds a place he can be happy. he finds someone he can be honest and blunt w. like vaas might expect j to be just as emotional as him but like........ him being so much like a brick wall wont like, change how vaas feels for him. j is still someone vaas is like, able to talk At. and get a response of any sort. itll Agitate him a lot like hes gonna say things he wants j to ruminate on esp when they like, first talk and j is just. like. not going to have much to say. its going to be Insulting to vaas but its smthn he has to like, learn to work around? j takes and listens to what vaas has to say once they get common ground under em but its just not in him to put words to feelings. 

anyway also everything bouncing off j like its nothing is also like. smthn i wish i had.

[thesoulofinnocence]

Flickering Flame Of Brann

Lycan stood on his apartment’s balcony, a water bottle resting on the railing as he looked out at Kyoto. The hound let out a quiet sigh as he thought about how he had changed these past few months. It wasn’t even a year ago that he was usually drinking his liver into forced regeneration. Drowning it in every alcohol imaginable and trying to find a way to die. If you were to tell him then that he’d quit drinking and be moderately happy now, well he’d just be pissed that he was still alive months from then.

“Damn. To think me being shit with warping would set me down this weird ass path. Meet one girl who makes me smile and everything just.. gets better. No booze in my apartment, a picture of her on my side table, I’ve got a cat and I even called my hunters my pack.”

The last bit made the hound just sigh again.

“God I can’t believe I did that. Bunch of idiots will either try to embarrass me about it or take it way too seriously. I mean no problem with taking it to heart but if they start saluting or howling at me I’m gonna start breaking legs and necks. Also its just weird, why did I say that, literally none of them are my offspring. Its not really a pack at this point, just a group of fuckers that are under my command. I guess its just a fake pack.”

The hound grabbed hold of his water bottle and raised it to his lips to take a sip. Staring up at the sky as he did and then letting out a quiet gasp for air when the bottle moved away. Screwing on it’s cap and then placing it back on the railing.

“I hope I get to start my own real pack one day. With...”

Before he could finish his sentence Lycan’s phone rang, odd considering he felt no hunter in distress. Still he swiped to answer and raised the phone to his ear, moving to lean his back against the railing.

“Hello, this is Najimi.”

“Head Hunter! I’m glad my call got through, I didn’t know if I’d have a good connection.”

He recognized the voice immediately, it was the hunter who confronted him the other day. The one who’s brother-in-law was killed because of the leak at their company.

“What is it, are you alright? I don’t get the feeling any of you hunters are in danger.”

“I’m fine sir, I am on a job but I’ve yet to run into poachers of any kind. I just wanted to contact you about something I found. The job I’m on was a request by a beach village, small but the island they live on is infested with some type of flying beasts. Unknown to me, and I told the village elder and they said they have many books on the beasts in the village library that could help me.”

“What do the beasts look like?”

“Huh? Oh. Uh. Black, wide wings and birdlike but with scales and spit acid. But-”

“They’re Krows. A type of draconid, weak alone but they always travel in large flocks. Keep an eye out because there is always one waiting to attack from behind. It’ll swoop do-”

“Sir! Thats not why I called, I’ve already gained a lot of information on them from the village library. I want to tell you about what else I found while looking through all the books. Between two large ones was a very small book, written in a language I cannot seem to recognize. However, inside there are many pictures of canines. Ones that stand on two legs, and can turn into bone.”

Najimi leaned up off his railing.

“Are you saying you found a book about my species in some random beach village?”

“I asked the village elder about it and they said that the book has been here for hundreds of years. Nobody in the village wrote it though, he says one day it was just found on the beach sitting in the water. Since none could translate it they placed it in their library until someone who could came along.”

“The water, and hundreds of years? Great. Means its falling apart isn’t it ..”

“No sir. Its in perfect condition. Not even a single tear on a page or a worn binding. It wasn’t just placed on the beach either, the elder says it was brought by the tide. Some type of very strong magic is protecting the book, Najimi. Keeping it from being damaged in any way. I’ve never seen anything like it but whoever wrote this book wanted it to be invulnerable. Not only that, my guess is they wanted it to be taken somewhere else by the water.”

“Why?”

“How else would an invulnerable book end up in the ocean? Anyway, I talked to the elder and they said I’m free to take the book once I’m done with my work sir. It won’t even take a full day with what I’ve learned about Krows, I’ll have it in your hands within the night.”

“Can you send me a picture of the book’s cover? Maybe I can take it to Innocence and he can start looking for the language. Or, well. Shit no do not let Innocence know about this. I’ll start searching myself. Just send the picture. I’ll make sure you’re rewarded properly if this is a good find.”

“Thank you, Head Hunter Najimi. I’ll send one right away.”

Lycan hung up and within a few moments he received a new picture message. He held his phone horizontally and clicked to open it, seeing only for a moment the strange language. His eyes saw it as a jumble of symbols which made absolutely no sense.. until a few seconds passed and they adjusted. The hound fell silent as he held his phone and stared at the writing on the book’s cover.

“Brann.”

Written clear as day to him, Lycan understood this language he had never seen before. The words all over the cover were twisted a moment after his eyes landed on them and he could tell his brain was translating them. What was once symbols was just now words in the English language as it was the easiest for his brain to comprehend.

The book’s title was rather simple.

Brann, The Hound of Chaos.

Under it, the author’s name.

Ryx Sulurtongue.

Lycan focused closely on these words, the names and title and as he did he felt his head start to burn. Stabbing pains suddenly broke out all over his brain and he let out a howl of pain. Dropping his phone onto the ground and shooting his hands to the sides of his head. A loud hiss escaping him as the pain quickly brought him to his knees. He felt his eyes burn as if his flames were melting them from their sockets. Another howl escaping him, as memories forcefully forgotten were disturbed.

Not full ones, just flashes.

Flashes of claws made of flame, bone melting away, and a cliff that dropped off into a flowing river. The hound could have tried to explore these thoughts, but as they flashed through he rejected them. Pressing both hands against his skull and growling, with no future exploration the pain came to a sudden stop. Lycan panted against his balcony’s floor and looked to his phone. When it fell from his grip the photo was minimized, so the hound just locked his phone and placed it into his pocket.

After taking a moment to recover, he got back onto his feet and the first new thought in his head?

I’m scared of that book now.

[eeveelutionsforequality]

on the whole "white genocide" thing -- why do people care? itd be one thing if what they were complaining about was people actively calling for the execution of an entire demographic, but thats. absolutely not whats happening and i do not comprehend why this is so urgent to anyone?? its not like culture and tradition are suddenly gonna stop existing just bc everyones kids are mixed lmao, nothings being lost. what are these people so afraid of?

I don't know. I honestly can't understand being concerned that in twenty or so generations time there might be nobody left who's a ~pure blood~ of any of what we currently consider the races. So what? That's kinda how evolution and genetic diversity works.

The differences between human races are barely worth noting and they blur at the edges, and skin colour is actually less of a difference than other things (facial structure, for example) - like, there are some non-white people who are more genetically and physically similar to white people than they are to other people who are the same colour as them but from another part of the planet, because their ancestry is so completely different. It's a lot more complicated than just black, white and brown when you get into the actual biology - and ultimately the differences are practically insignificant or negligible, especially when compared to other genetic differences that are nothing to do with race. There are trends within the races, but overall the differences between individuals and the effects of environmental factors are vastly more important.

To me it's like being concerned that people are getting taller on average and deciding that you only want to breed with short people so that you can preserve the short race. Bitch, you were gonna be dead by the time it disappeared anyway, and why does it matter? Like, why the hell does it matter what people are going to look like in the future? I can't fathom it. Like, you should want to have kids with a person who you love, who you trust to help you raise kids, who you can tolerate the snoring of for the next fifty years. And, on top of that, what are these "preserve phenotypes" people gonna do? Raise their kid to think like them and hope they'll do the same for their kid and other white people out there will be doing the same, or just accept that the kid might go on to marry a black person and undo all of their hard work? Short of having closed off communities and a genetic disaster, or forcing it on a national or international level, there's no way to maintain it in the long run. End of the day, you're gonna be happier on your death bed if you're looking back at a life with people you loved, rather than a life with someone who seemed genetically appropriate but turned out to have a darn brown eyes gene hiding somewhere in there that ruined your perfect ayrian sprog. You're gonna achieve your dreams if your dream is to live the best life for you, but if it's to preserve a skin colour in the future not only will you not succeed, but you won't even live to see the fruits of your labour.

I just cannot understand being concerned about it. It doesn't matter how people are born looking in three hundred years, it really doesn't. What matters is being happy now. And like you said, as long as nobody's calling for execution or treating people as second class citizens or stopping them breeding, it doesn't matter. Nobody should care if you get with a white person or a black person or whatever, regardless of which you are. It's nobody's business.

~ Vape

[storiesnstormsinmyhead-blog]

Stories we tell ourselves

Some of us are born with a natural sense of bravado and bravery. Confidence in their collect features. But many of us are not, to many, such was the case for Reynold Roy Richardson, the third son of Miguel Jonathon Richardson. Reynold Roy Richardson, Roy for short, was born with exceptionally low confidence in everything. He was averagely tall and averagely skinny and had average body type and average coloring. Just another shade of blue in the fifty eight crayon box. And although some days he wished to be something better, he had no real motives to get there and so settled with being happy with his droll, tired, average self. He could shoot a hoop from half court given enough tries, and while the guys at school thought that was pretty cool, so could everyone. However one day his life took an unexpected turn for the oddest. It started in home ec class, his usual partner who added too much salt to everything was gone for the day, so he was paired with Ruby haired Robin. Ruby haired Robin was a loner oddball who watched asian cartoons and drank real smoothies and had short red hair the stuck up at odd angles. Her doctor who sweater was too big for her and her boots too tall, her glasses seemed to eat half her face under their big frames. As she sat down he could almost feel her discontent and irritability at the long day. They made cupcakes, but instead of putting a perfect hat of frosting on them Robin dolloped a huge drippy mess of hers, they cleaned up and she stacked everything wrong and it fell down in a huge clatter. It soon became obvious to Roy that Robin was exceptionally perfect, at being completely imperfect. The next day she had a homemade beanie and they made banana bread. She tried to start conversion.

“Hey you, don’t you think miss Barreyman looks like she should be wearing a bowtie?” It was an odd question but did make sense if you saw miss Barreyman. Miss Barreyman wore power suits and high heels everyday and drank black coffee out of a gallon mug without smudging a bit of her bright red lipstick. She looked like she could have gotten away with murder in her youth, but now had tired eyes and drippy eyeliner and less perk and pep.

“Yeah sure”

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Ruby chirped, honestly would she just shut up? Why did she wanna talk to me anyways?

“No”

“Oh sorry.” lapse silence “Do you watch doctor who?”

“No, but my sister does” My freaky man obsessed sister, I borrowed her laptop once when I was ten and that's how I learned how men made love, well gay men, in her adolescent imagination.

“Oh thats cool, Supernatural?”

“What?”

“The show?”

“I don-” the bell rang, “I gotta go” finally, free from her weird conversation topics.

The next day Robin wasn’t there, salt boy was back. we made brownies, I turned my back for one second and when the brownies came out of the oven they shimmered with a fine layer of salt, he had mistaken the teaspoon for the tablespoon again. We had no conversation, but I kinda missed the weird break from normality that was Ruby haired Robin. She didn’t come back the next day, or the next day, or again. Later that week there was an article in the newspaper about a young teen girl commiting suicide. However I got a nagging sensation she was still around. Rationally she couldn’t be, but I swear I felt her irritation and discontent still, following me around. Then it happened, I was just chilling in my room gaming and eating BBQ Lays when I heard a sigh, I looked up and saw Robin, or rather a specter of her, sitting on the corner of my bed staring longingly at the bag of chips i was eating. Gone was the dark makeup and cakey foundation that looked hastily applied. In its place was a plain, but not unadorable face, slightly boyish with freckles and light lashes. hair was several shades lighter and curly in a baby pony tail, and she was wearing a huge pair of dragon pj pants and a tank top with a bow on the front. With a gasp Roy leaped from the spot on his bed and to the window and started fumbling for the latch, he had seen enough horror flicks to know what would happen next.

“Eeeek!” Robin saw his sudden scare and jumped off the bed and backed towards the door.

“Holy crap you’re dead!”

“Obviously! I’d actually be eating those chips if I could. I haven’t had anything to eat in like five days and I’m dying…” She stopped realizing the actuality of the pun “Again”

“But you’re dead, like dead!”

“Yes I am, it’s all the aliens fault.”

“Aliens?!?”

“Yes aliens!” She settled down on the bed again. “I don’t quite remember my death but I remember that there was a bright white light like a beam and I was lifted up and then it was really painful and I died, and since God doesn’t exist for me it must be aliens.”

“Okay…” This chick was clearly mad, looney, but since I was seeing ghosts didn't that make me looney as well? “So what would I do about that?”

“Well I don’t quite know why but as soon as came to you were standing right in front of me. It was at school in the home Ec lab. And since then I can't wander away from you. It’s like you’re my earthly tether?”

“Well then untether yourself! And leave me alone. I don't believe in ghosts.”

She seemed to shrink, ”I’m sorry but I don’t know how to do that!!!!!” I immediately felt both bad and embarrassed, I was yelling at a dead girl.

“No don’t be sorry, I’m sorry for yelling, but seriously, you could try to untether yourself…” Even that comment seemed stupid to me.

“Can you tell me how that game works?” She completely ignores it.

“Um sure.” I picked up my controller and proffers it to her small hands when I realize it will just fall through.

Our heroes spend the rest of the day with Roy eating chips and pointing out how different buttons work to a confused and hungry little ghost girl.

“And see, The boss has been defeated and now I just walk over using the joystick to walk and steer and can collect all my booty-” He stops when he hears a soft sighing whistle, draped across the shelf in the corner is a sleeping Robin, apparently ghosts sleep. Her face is turned away and her arms are crossed as they hang off the shelf.

“Royyyy! Dinner time!” His mother called him to the table.

“Coming!” As Roy shut the door to his small room he remembered, the dead don't need to breathe, so if Robin snored it was out of habit, a painful reminder of the times she had been full of life.

“Why do girls wear so much makeup?” Roy's questions all seemed to be common knowledge to me. I wonder why his brain hasn’t thought to comprehend these things yet, I will not say as much however because it would he horribly rude. Many things he thinks are common knowledge I have not even began to think through yet.

“Well… because they don’t believe they look good without it or desirable to the people they wish to attract. And it is a mask to hide behind so that they can face others of their species proudly without feeling inefficient. I wear- wore mine as a mask so that people would leave me alone and know I did not want to be apart of their games.”

“What games?”

“The contest between girls to be the best, like how some girls like to manipulate guys into liking them just to feel important and get all the attention because they base self worth on those things. I guess I understand how they need these things to feel alive, and I won’t oppose them unless they hurt someone I care about then I will destroy them. There are too many to oppose plus it doesn’t seem fair to deny them their existence.”

“Why do you think you’re any different?” The question is loaded and Roy knows it.

“I’m not, I just try harder not to be.” He snorts in surprise.

“Why just people who are important? What about yourself?” This seems genuine.

“I’m not very important to myself, I guess I wanted to live because anything else is scary and the effort, but I don’t see why I should be special because I don’t have any special talents and I don’t want to run around being just self important.”

“Isn’t that view a bit insulting to the people who care about you?”

“Yes, but what else do you expect me to do? Go to K-Mart and buy myself some self confidence? If I’m just a melodramatic teenager like normal this should go away soon and if I’m not I’ll just go buy something to fix it.” I can feel my translucent shoulders begin to tighten up and tears hot in my throat, I swallow them down before they spill out. Funny how even ghosts can cry, I wonder if ghost tears have magical potency? One spills and as I reach up to brush it off Roy dabs it with a sleeve.

“Hey sorry, you okay?”

“Yeah sorry I’m just overactive!”

“Come here?” He awkwardly offers me a hug, I don’t want to be rude and also, even dead girls need a hug sometimes.

She’s a fellow comrade in normalcy, and I feel sympathy, I also know how it feels to be frustrated by my lack of talent. As she accepts my hug I also feel envy, men aren’t suppose to cry.

Air rushes past us suddenly and we are flung into space violently buffeted by wind and something else like small rocks. Surprise makes me grip the only solid seeming thing around me, regardless of the weirdness of the solid. I can hear Robin screaming, or is that me? Then stillness, we are jerked into a still space and righted, well mostly…

Blinking tears out of my watering eyes I perceive colors and then images, it’s like we’re standing inside a painting, fractured images surround us in ever changing patterns and textures. Robin gives a little gasp and moves fluidly towards one. I follow not wanting to get lost inside this seeming endless maze of mirrors and illusions. I manage to grab her bare foot as she is sucked forward into the image.

Space, outer space, below the earth twinkles like a diamond covered in muddy water and around us are lights and nebulas of dust. It seems like it should be cold but I cannot feel anything, Robin gives a cry of excitement and spins in a circle laughing.

“It's just like a story I saw once!”

“Saw?” I grab at a rock floating next to me and do several slow spins in place.

“Yeah, I saw it in a dream!” She tries to right me and ends up floating the opposite direction, I grasp her wayward feet so that we are not separated. A roar buffets by us and a giant, gray, blinking mass careens past us like a torpedo. The alien saucer heads straight towards earth on a warpath. Robin gives a little yelp of fear and puts herself in front of me, like her slight body can hide me from the probing spacecraft. Fear is written on her face, and for the first time I think I may believe her a little bit about the alien story. Air rushes again and a pulling sensation drags us back, until my room swims into focus before my eyes. Robin sits against the other side of the room frozen in fear, no matter of potato chips or british shows lures her out of her spot lodged behind the door.

When she finally moves her heart is set on finding out what happened, she swears it’s somewhere, somewhere in her memory she blocked out.

I know now I have to know what happened, no matter how painful or violating the truth, a morbid part of me needs to know. If curiosity killed the cat than satisfaction brought her back. Me and Roy watch movies on aliens; independence day, alien, doctor who: the water of mars. Nothing sparks recognition. I look for scars on my body when Roy isn’t home but all I find are all my old self harm scars with my new cuts that now would never heal, just glow a subtle red against my skin. When I look at then my head hurts remembering the mood that made me do that, but it seems with my body I also shed a weight that the doctors called clinical depression, funny, it felt like a weight before, now it feels like the aliens stripped more from me than life, a part of my mind i missing. My fingers burn to hold a pencil, stupidly i try, the pencil moves an hair’s breath when I go through it. I have nothing else to do so I commit to picking up the pencil.

“Hey so you know Ruby Haired Robin?” I casually ask Bryan in the locker room.

“Yeah! That chick who liked Brian and always carried a sketchbook with her?” Bryan is a tall, athletically gifted guy with killer abs and a crisp cut look like a male model. He doesn’t have much in the way of brains but if you give him a piece of paper he can write a sonnet to make shakespeare cry.

“Yeah her! Wait she liked Dwain?” Hm interesting.

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“Well… do you know if they stated a cause of death?” He cringes a little.

“Morbid man, yeah it said she had been big on cutting, there were hundreds of wounds all over her body and she had bled to death from a few in her sleep.”

“Okay cool! Thanks man.”

When I got home I rushed to my room, the door flies open to reveal Robin sitting at my desk. A pencil is grasped in her hands and she is so focused on her work that she doesn’t even start when I walk in.

“You cut?”

“Yes.” Her focus is solely on the picture she is creating.

“That's what they said killed you.”

“I know”

“Why aliens then?”

She looks up finally, “Because I never cut deep enough to kill me.”

“Can I see?”

“Some of it sure.” Carefully she lifts her pants leg all the way up to show me the red angry lines marching haphazardly up her legs. “It’s not a big deal, it doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

“Okay.” It’s confusing but she doesn’t seem in pain so I let go. “You liked Dwain?”

“What is it, question the dead girl time?” She is blunt.

“Sorta… sorry I was just curious… It’s more a question about why and what a girl likes in a guy… I figured you would know!” She smiles.

“Totally! Well I like Dwain because he was nice to me and didn’t ostracize me because of my looks and attitude. It’s more a kindness crush, I like him because he was nice to me and that made me happy! Then his friends started teasing him and he left me be… no one wants to be liked by a loner if their popular like that. Why you wanna know what girls like?”

My cheeks heat up like volcanos, “Because I like someone…”

“Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh who do you liiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkeeeee!” She drags it out like a kid would.

“Marina….” “Marina K?”

“Yeah…”

“She’s really pretty, just watch out she’s one of the get them to like you just because girls. Play hard to get.” Robin bounces up and down laughing, “ Roy and Marina sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G! First comes loooove then comes marriage! Then comes Roy with a baby carriage!” Robin pokes me in the side and giggles, “And we both know how you get babies since neither of us were absent from health class.”

“You remember who was in that class?” “Totally, most of the people were too embarrassed to look up, but I’ve been familiar with that stuff for a long time and it was fun watching them all blush and nervously giggle.” Thoughtfully she adds, “well knowing Marina you won't have to wait till marriage for babymaking… just babies.”

“Were your parents doctors of something?”

“Sorta, why?”

“Well you were previously associated with the process of babymaking…”

“My dad’s a gynecologist assistant and my mom is a midwife. They didn't think their daughter should be left in the dark about one of the oldest acts of mankind so they got me a few books.”

“Wow, your parents are crazy…” She shrugs her shoulders.

“Maybe to some people, but to me it’s just how I was raised and I wouldn’t ask for anything else!” A dark cloud seems to form in her visage, “I’m really gonna miss that… Damn! Why did I have to die!” Her shoulders start to shake. “It felt like a dream until now, a dream I could wake up from, but I really am dead… And being dead sucks.”

Damn it, my eyes are burning and my nose is tingling in it’s odd, sharp way. I miss my mom and dad so much, my misunderstood, passive father and my hypersensitive, overexpressing mother. Roy looks concerned but I don’t want to be helped, I want to not think or exist anymore. Roy gasps and runs forward but his hands pass through me and when I look down in morbid curiosity, I cannot see myself at all. Then the world goes black for me.

Am I really dead this time? No… I’m just sleeping. No. Im awake, just everything but my mind has faded. I’m guessing I will die soon, again, but the only regret I have is not being able to tell my mother sorry for our fight and for dying, same to my dad. Damn this is stupid, why can’t it be anyone but me! I would happily go back to my disease ridden, messed up body to fix this. But I can’t, I really can’t, and I was stupid if I ever thought I could. After all this is all my fault.

She’s gone! She vanished, one moment so real, the next gone in a wink of the imagination. Snatched away like death took her again, mind, body, and soul. Like static. The air wavers for a second, then again, she flickers back into existence. I almost rush to hug her before I remember, then I pause. Her eyes look tired, like she left something behind when she reappeared.

The rest of the week pasts like a gray rainstorm, time drags on like a tired packhorse. Slowly and worn down until I felt like a walking corpse of a walking dreamer. The boring days of old seem rose tinged to me now compared to the ominous presence in my home. Robin had vanished again off and on when she felt like it and didn’t want to be seen crying ghostly tears. I looked at the drawing she had made to try to figure out what had happened, was it an omen… or was that just my desperate hopes?

In my dreams we frantically searched for her death among the fractile memories scattered in her mind. We searched massive desert plains with beautiful rose sponged skies on the verge of night as the sun tumbled down the throat of nighttime. We scoured the bottoms of ocean so deep that they crushed everything into itself and no light could reach into the murky waters, once you were immersed the only way you could go was down. But while I searched she stayed quiet, distracted. That is until the fourth tuesday in november.

“Roy!”

“Hgrm….”

“Roy!”

“Rrrrrrrr!”

“Roy RoyRoyRoyRoyRoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“What!!!!!!!!!” I sit upright and to my great horror Robin is chilling at my bedside shaking me awake.

“You sound like an angry twelve year old.”

“What do you want!!!!!!”

“I wanna have an adventure!”

“It’s too early for this…”

“It’s never too early for an adventure!” She chirps. God I want to strangle the dead girl.

“Yes it is!” I roll over and try to ignore her.

“Nope!” Her statement could have been followed by a cheery emojicon it sounded so ridiculous. To make matters worse as soon as my back was turned she put her icy hands through my back.

“S-Stop it!” She wiggles her fingers in front of my face, sometimes she is as solid as a wall other times as thin and vapor.

“I’m dead but I’m still here and I wanna enjoy everything I can!” She pouts then puffs hair off her forehead and to the side.

“Just ten more min.”

“Royyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

“Shhhhhh!”

“I will haunt you until the day you die.” Her threat rouses me from my slumber, no way in hell do I want her to witness my final moments or in fact the rest of my life.

“Fine, where do you wanna go?” I sigh and ruffle my hair.

“I want to go get closure so that I can move on into death.” This answer comes as a surprise!

“Why?”

“Because earth is hell and I want to go into nothing so I am no longer reminded of what I could have done or had. I don’t want to have to see my parent grieve or my existence slowly vanish until I become lost without worldly possessions and isolated until I become simply mad, I wish to go with peace.”

“Okay.” Though sad I thought it sounded completely reasonable. Being forgotten would be painful. “Where will we go?”

“I think I know, I remembered something when I vanished and I’ve been stuck here for a while, it's vague but I think if you help me we can figure out what happened!” She holds out her hands and I hesitantly grab them. A fuzzy warm vortex sucks us up in a silent vwoosh feeling.

Instead of the fearful nothingness that swallowed me up before I feel a warm calm, like acceptance. I had accepted the lonely knowledge that I had ceased to exist for my mother and father. When I had vanished I had gone to see them, I tried to talk to them but they just sat there at the table, my spot sat empty and a sullen silence engulfed the dinner. That had been the final straw, the piece that told me I was good and truly dead. My stuff had been moved and my clothes had been given to goodwill. Nothing remained of my stone collection, even my beautiful river rock paul was gone. There was no way for me to go back to my old life. No way to fix the problem. I was gone, I just hadn't let go. At first I had cried, I was unfair and horrible. I went back to Roy and sat beside him, he couldn’t see me. Life felt unbearable. Then I had appeared and saw his concern. I wanted to indulge in the feeling of being needed and cared about. But I knew I had to say goodbye to everything. It was painful. But I slowly grew accustomed to the feeling, when it became too much I went back to Roy. Now I just wanted to stop all together. I would like to say I am at peace, but to tell the truth, no, no peace for the walking dead.

So we flew forward propelled by that foggy recollection of a memory of mine. A memory I feel I must both dread and accept as a last piece of the puzzle of my death. I’m to scared to go at this alone so I took Roy with me because despite the extremely short and tumultuous times I have know him he has provided the most comfort to me of any person in my life. It’s not love or attraction of any sort, he has simply been kind and shown me support that I had not found anywhere else. In return I wished to give him closure in my demise so he was not left confused or guilty in any way.

I alight upon the asphalt of a sidewalk beneath a shiny street lamp. Dusk pulls over the hills in ribbons of smoky blue and clear soft purple and hazy clouds. Familiar lights glow from a familiar home. This isn’t the real thing but it feels so achingly like it my resolve almost wavers. Then I see a figure move.

Another Robin is inside that house, she’s in her room with a book clutched in her hands, it looks so small. She sniffs ungracefully and wipes the snot away from her nose, her eyes are red rimmed and her cheeks look raw and blotchy. She sets the book down and pulls the leg of her dragon pants all the way to her hip. Red lines across her hips ooze blood, she seems to inspect the wound before slowly letting the pants drop down. Next to me Robin stands stiffly, frozen as if in a trance. The image Robin seems to float to the bed and sit down. She snuggles down into the blankets, the scene looks peaceful even after the life fades from her skin, if you ignore the widening stain of red across her sheets. The Robin next to me is shaking and looks petrified. All of her natural seeming bravado is gone and all that left is a scared girl stripped of all her worldly possessions.

I have realised, that is not what happened exactly, it feels too neat, too fake. I wouldn’t have given up just like that. That’s not right.

At home again I sit tiredly spinning a basketball on my finger. Around and around it goes like the thoughts in my head. What was that light, why did Robin cut? Didn’t it hurt? Robin sits on my window sill and chews restlessly on her nails. Tiny, shimmery, crescent moon nail shards tumble from her fingers occasionally. Her cute features are twisted into a mask of concentration as she mulls over something. I can tell something didn’t sit right with her. “It was to perfect.”

“What?”

“My death.”

“How so?”

“I am a naturally imperfect person with many flaws and bad traits yet I died like a F***ing princess.” Sadly I think I agree, when I first met Robin I could feel her impatience and her imperfections radiating from her body, I cannot imagine someone with that much irritation could die without a complaint, hypnosis or not. “I may have seen my death but I don’t know what lead up to that. What made me want to lay down and give up?”

“What day was it?” Dread gnaws at my stomach.

“Tuesday… I think.” Oh god. “Yeah tuesday!” It had been the day we had talked.

“Do you remember anything?”

“No. Why?” We lapse into silence.

After a long pause, “Didn’t we talk that day? Barreyman and the bowtie?”

“Y-Yeah!”

“What did I seem like?”

I think back and remember her that day, “happy, chipper, and very very talkative!”

“Desperate”, she murmurs under her breath.

“Huh?”

“Nothing”, She turns away, but not before I catch a fleeting glimpse of her face, pinched with worry, her lower lip disappearing completely into her mouth.

“Cool cool.” I don’t know how to help her so I pick up my game boy and try to not think of her, she slowly vanishes, almost hesitantly.

Now I am back in ghost space, I know my presence near Roy was making him feel uncomfortable, after all it was me who died and invaded his personal space, I at least owed him the courtesy to have a mental breakdown outside of his presence. So I was desperate that day, then that begged the question what triggered this? It was obviously before Home Ec class or I would have been fine that day. What was so bad it had kept me down all day?

“Did you keep a diary?”

“Huh?”

“Did you, keep a, diary!”

“Sorta.” I slowly reappear into normal space. The only thing that can penetrate my ghost space is words I need to hear.

“Why don’t you go and look through it?”

“Well that might be difficult.”

Roy shifts to look at me over his shoulders, “Why?”

“The police confiscated it…”

“Oh okay.”

“Wanna help me get it?”

“Breaking and entering?! Are you kidding me!!! Try and stop me!” In movies the heroes always seemed to have to steal something and there was always a cool getaway scene with a cute chick and a car chase. It sounded like the perfect way to break the seal on my incredibly boring life, not that Robin hadn’t already done that, although her small a-gender cuteness took away from the mystery and just made her seem childish…

“Today? It’s in a back lab of evidence!” Robin looks nervous, I wonder what is up with her, maybe she doesn’t want me to see her diary.

“How should we get in?”

“Okay so-”

Her diary is small and compact and fits almost in my pocket, the little heart shaped lock is cheap and fragile and the keys jangle behind me as I sprint full force towards the parking lot. It took way too much effort to get in and fool the officers in the first place.

“Halt!!! Mr. John!!!!!” Two officers pound down the hall after me belts clanging. They aren’t quite willing to take out their guns yet because of who I said I was. After all they wouldn’t dare shoot Robin’s boyfriend, whom grief stricken stole her diary from the station to hear the last words of his dear departed love.

Dodging arounds a secretary desk out front I hurdle past the surprised desk attendant and out the swinging doors. Alarms blare, triggered most likely by the magnetic strip inside the diary hidden so that thieves would have trouble finding it. Next to me Robin shouts barely comprehensible, “Roy! Keys!” A wad of keys flies at me from the blur of color streaking by and I catch them. The first vehicle in the lot is a blue and white motorcycle. I grasp the handles and swing on starting the engine with the smallest key on the ring. It roars to life and ghostly hands clasp around my waist in a light embrace. I kick off and we are streaking across the road at seventy in no time. It feels like flying and I know that if we ever make it free of this mess I want a bike like this one. Adrenaline rushes like the blood in my ears muffling everything except my heart, my heart beat seems to be the beat of the world as I turn into the curves of the road. Police cars follow with blaring sirens and blinding lights. Robin squeezes my waist and suddenly we vanish from their view like an invisibility cloak was pulled over us. When I am sure we have lost them, confused and bewildered we drop the getaway vehicle at a streambed and trudge through the culvert upstream at least a mile before making our way to a local park. Exhausted I plop onto a swing back in the woods below a large old apple tree and take out the diary. Robin leans over my shoulder and we flip the the entries closer to the last one.

To Delinx Quarte

School still sucks, yeah I know I’ve said that to many times. I see no point to complete it if I feel like this no matter what I try to do with my life. My therapist tells me it's called clinical depression, I hope it goes away before I have to pay the bills. My energy is basically null and void. I guess at least you're there to listen to me.

To Delinx Quarte

Brian has shunned me for the eighth time this week, I guess I get it, I mean I’m the one who told Kristy I liked him and even if she said she wouldn’t tell, its high school. I guess I’m just stupid for thinking someone like him could talk to me after knowing such an ugly truth.

To Delinx Quarte

Roses are red

Violets blue

Im sad af

So F u to

To Delinx Quarte

Thank you for talking to me all the time.

“Talking to you all the time?” I look questioningly at Robin. To answer she picks up the book and shakes it. A small phone falls out, when I pick it up and flip it open it turns on with a whoosh noise. The screen clears and four new messages blink on the screen.

Robin I’m sorry for slashing, you shouldn’t have run, please come back I’ll bring you to a good doctor!

Robin?

Robin are you there?

Answer me goddamn it!!!!!!!!!!

As I flip through her phone the name Delinx Quarte makes sense, horrible sense. This Delinx claimed to be an alien, or he role played one. He told fantastical stories about beautiful worlds far away and amazing adventures, seriously he sounded like an author. One even make sickening sense as the space saucer heading for earth. He called Robin a petite princess and flattered her with praise for her ingenuity. He listened to her stories she told of cruel classmates and lulled her into false trust with pretty words. He even claimed to be a twenty year old lesbian. Robin told him about having no friends, and her lying confidents, and her crush who ignored her. She leaned on him and never questioned his motives besides being good and nice. Then he said he liked her. Told her what an intelligent girl she was, not like those other high school bimbos. He said they should meet and make cosplay for the next con, his place. The address sounded remote. Robin had her license and drove there herself.

Shakily Robin looks at me and in a small voice tells me what happened there, “I got there and it was ramshackled. She- sorry he didn’t wanna meet in the city because he said his anxiety would flare up.. I went to the door and he answered. I was surprised but he convinced me he meant no harm he just wanted me to be comfortable talking to me… Then we went inside, I was scared but I didn’t want to be rude… Then he starts talking all heavily. He’s an older man almost thirty and balding with grease stains on his saggy clothes and he had a ton of anime body pillows all over the place and his top pick in netflix wa my little pony! I didn’t wanna know what was in the corner… I asked him to not sit so close, even said I had a boyfriend now… But he knew too much and got mad at me for lying, he said I owed him for listening to my whining. I cried and he begged my forgiveness… I tried to run but he chased me, he had a knife and threatened me but I didn’t wanna get raped or killed so I ran, he slashed me on the thigh so deeply that my leg went numb in a few minutes. Then I got away and drove home. My parents weren’t home and I tried to dress the wound, my seats are black and I thought it was shallower. I realized it was to the bone and then I fainted from blood loss. I guess I bled to death… So I was killed by my friend who liked to pretend to be an alien and turned out to be a “Nice Guy”... Kinda pathetic.”

“Are you gonna let him get away with murder?”

“No…”

“Go get him girl!”

“What do I do?”

“Hide his porn stash, replace his anime pillows with guy anime pillows. Subscribe him to a yaoi(guy on guy) site where pre adolescent girls write fanfiction, put hot sauce in his lube… hide his wallet, and put password encoded age restrictions on his netflix so he has to watch g rated films forever. And then scrawl in ketchup on his mirror, I am always watching you. Then leave, and he’ll be paranoid forever.”

“You are truly satan Roy.” Robin smiles devilishly.

I never saw her again, she left and I was left to clean up my life. I faced community service for my crimes however the crime was solved with my help and when the police found the man he was sitting in the dark with a circle of salt surrounding him watching my little pony with horrible burns. He was arrested and sent to an asylum by his own convictions. I assume Robin went away peacefully after doing her part, maybe she stayed and saw his arrest however I believe she just left. I attended her funeral, her mother cried, her father left the room a lot. Brian was there, I could tell his consciousness was heavy with the idea he had contributed to someone's death or been able to prevent it but not done that, he was never the same. Her so called friends Kristy and Lillian were there, her therapist, and her extended family that could drive in from california to oregon. When I went up to view the casket I saw her cold face, beautifully made up in professional makeup, honestly it was weird, I missed the face only I knew, her real face and her faded hair all curly. Her cuts were hidden with a long dress and sleeves. After the funeral her mother approached me.

“Roy?”

“Yes..?”

“Okay, funny I’ve never met you, thank you for being such a good friend to my daughter! She left you something… I was almost like she knew she was going away…” Sadly she handed me an envelope with a hastily scrawled name on the front. Robin's mother was pale and mousy, her nervous eyes reminded me of a rabbits, hopping from place to place.

Dear Roy,

Thank you for being the truest friend I’ve ever had, you never lied to me and you helped me when I needed you most! You're my hero. Good luck with Marina, make her chase you… Sorry I can’t be your best man! Thank you! Enclosed is a remembrance gift!

Inside the package was a small drawing of a boy with a roguish expression on his face and a girl laughing openly riding on a motorbike that was blue and white. They seemed suspended in time carfree. I hung it on my wall, to this day I still muse over its detail and how the pencil has not faded yet.

Robin was the best and the worst thing to happen to me. I was labeled a criminal and a hero, I became not normal but am still unsure on how to become normal or not normal. It never worked out with Marina, she was to flakey and flirty. I married a beautiful, smart nerd at the age of thirty and started a family. Life runs smoothly and I wonder how Robin is doing, heaven? Rebirth? Whatever she is doing I hope she is happy as I am.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.