#but anyone who wasn able 2 keep up wud quickly fall outta it which is where i came in
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i will talk ab source. part 1 is prolly childhood? I REACHED TAG LIMIT
#idk wat 2 preface this with except 4 da fact idk which parts r canon divergent n which r nawt beyond the obvious trauma stuff dat definitely#gawt mjxed in with it. also a thing ab memories is dat its nawt one super chronologically consistent timeline its kinda chunks#either way. there was still nothin known abt my supposed family & from the moment i remember myself i lived at the orphanage#i unrerstood wat it lik 2 b alone n fend 4 myself very early. yud think an institution providin care 4 children wud negate dat but i think#it only saturated it in many ways. orphanages r notoriously underfunded & the lives of those kids disregarded. ya can imagine. early on i wa#s definitely goin thru a rebel stage of not wantin 2 accept things how they wer n tried 2 run away a number of times (comin back each time)#2bf i dn think i ever came at peace with this bein my life. but growin up along the others made me feel a sense of responsibility n belongin#dat i cudn push aside. especially when no1 cared 4 me So no one wud care 4 them. ppl think of orphanages as a fixit but realy they only#create more issues for the children & ours was no different. it was both strict n neglectful? tere wer clear time tables set in day2day life#but anyone who wasn able 2 keep up wud quickly fall outta it which is where i came in#but its nawt likr dat was met with gratitude from the carers Cuz i was a problem child thru n thru in they eyes#also next 2 nothin was done 2 prevent conflict between children an the grown ups wud pin punishments onto both parties#nawt 2 mention when the carers wer part of da problem like. when it came 2 gettin physical or. otherwise abusive i don wanna say But is also#sumthin i experienced. n in part why i attempted 2 runaway many times b4 givin up.#i don remembr when i strted workin but it began with beggin in da streets n rummagin thru dumpsters aha. the typical mikaness?#i cringe rememberin it but id cling onto the passerbys n pity em into givin me money. it wasn even 4 myself most times.#gettin things of yr own was incredibly hard especially when ut was sumthin ya needed n it wasn provided as a necessity#various things com 2 mine but les b honest as a lonelu kid most ya want is company#idk i w growin up asocial up 2 a certain point. resorted 2 pickin up old toys from the garbage? i always had an affinity 4 objects strangely#id wash em in the sink n patch em up best i cud & eventually the others wanted em too s id kinda give a lot away which i didn mind in da end#i dunno jus. lots of sharin stuff round. clothes n toys n anythin ya can think of ehe#we didn have beds & we slept on the floor? had BEDDIN but it was like a one big spread for all the kids. a sumthin dat still warm my heart s#thinkin of a lot of da lil ones clingin 2 me in their sleep as they clutchd onto a plushie#STAWP i started cryin. anyway. it was so far from perfect n it was intensely traumatisin nawt 2 mention the lack of. well. any upbringin dat#kids usually get growin up. we r pretty much left 2 our own devices.#but once i was old enuff 2 work i grasped at any straws whjch i... don wanna get into?#but work is work is all i will say. also a part i think i didn mention is in my memories ofc i am more bodily in accordance with our body so#i was recognised as afab/a girl while bein a bit.. different#i don remembr how many times i cut my own hair but i did let it grow out later on. talkin shoulderblade length or so. jus as messy n unruly#as our hair is www
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