#but am I just stressed bc nausea and tiredness?

[curly-cottage-girl]

so I think I might be angry but I really don’t know why

[happyhippystuff]

i haven’t had a ~meltdown~ in awhile, but again, i have a very bad concept of time haha. but in my impression, life has been relatively stable. except that recently, there has been more frequent bouts of emptiness particularly at night. i think emptiness has always, and will always be there, and it just need to be tolerated. after all, it is not untrue that it is my response to emptiness that is distressing. 

anyhow, for reason unbeknownst to me, i thought it was a good idea to stop medication. partly because i was sick of feeling the same and secondly, meds was causing me to get rly poor quality sleep. so it started with forgetting, and then it became a conscious decision. initially, i felt fine, in whatever way it could be interpreted. then came the headache + nausea + tiredness, very much like when i first started taking the meds. on tuesday morning, i had a breakfast binge, which hasn’t happened in a long time. and it made me respond very extremely. but i guess, it was this over the top response that made me realise that okay, meds do help. they don’t make me feel better, i don’t think that’s their job, but they cushion the impact of things. 

sigh i feel like there’s always shame and guilt that comes with every ~meltdown~ and now!!! i think the bf hates me, and i should run away from him to save him from having to deal with my madness *_* or maybe i am just scared that one day, he’ll be so done with this shit aka me. this is so bpd ugh. but i guess, seeing how S and A have such stable r/s now gives me hope that things can be worked out. i have seen how turbulent their r/s were, and how stable it is now. sometimes, idk if it is because i don’t trust that the bf, or me. probably the latter - i don’t trust that i am good enough for the bf to stay. again, no point worrying about things that have yet to happen. 

TLDR: take your meds. 

also, i decided to go SHOPPING because i have put it off for the longest time and shopping is alw stressful and triggering :( i rly hate seeing myself in the mirror and !!!!!! sigh but i m q proud of me bc i decided to just choose clothes that fit + make me feel good + not be so affected by the size. 

i will work hard for the body i want so i can wear pretty clothes (!!!!)