#but also this is like. a common fundamentalist xtian mindset tbh

[deservedgrace]

it was honestly really disorienting growing up as a sex averse ace in fundamentalist christianity and then leaving and expecting things to be different and... they are different, but they also aren't in a lot of ways

obviously purity culture is a big thing and you can see its influence in the "real world" and we should be talking about it, but as someone who doesn't like or want sex, i also notice attitudes around expectation of sex are similar

growing up being put in that "girl" box you're raised with the expectation of abstaining from sex until marriage obviously, but once you're married part of your duties are to have sex with your husband. and your husband forcing you is a sin, sure, but you not upholding your duties as a wife is also a sin because your body belongs to your spouse now. refusing your husband access to your body is refusing to submit to him, which is a sin. and since all sins are equal, martial rape is just as bad as refusing sex. with all the end times/rapture/jesus coming back soon bullshit i didn't really expect to even get old enough to get married, and when i started getting older i thought i was just blessed with not caring about sex and i would learn to enjoy it when i was married. but i look back with the knowledge that i am in fact, sex averse, i'm extremely grateful i got out before i was forced to give a man sex that i didn't want to give

and i expected things to be different when i got out, because "out here" was where i even learned the concept of consent and that you're allowed to say no. and it is like that... but there's almost a heavier emphasis on sex being vital to romantic relationships and vital to bonding with your partner. and of course you can say no and somebody not respecting that is abuse, but if you say no too many times then you're withholding sex from your partner which is abuse too. your body belongs to you and no one else, but also sex is a universal human need and you're depriving yourself and your partner by refusing. not having enough sex is a big issue that a lot of couples go to therapy for. my default, my normal, what makes me feel happy and safe makes the average person feel miserable and unloved. "i know you're sex averse, but we only had sex once a month! come on, even you have to admit that's not enough!" (no, i don't). "relationships require sacrifice, your spouse shouldn't be saying no to you all the time." (i can only say no so many times before the way i am hurts my spouse).

i get that there's nuance, withholding sex can absolutely be an abuse tactic, most people are allo/not sex averse, sex is an important part of relationships for a lot of people, most of these things are solved by communication/finding someone compatible etc etc. but the way that sex is oftentimes expected and touted as necessary in relationships in the "real world" almost made the purity culture in fundamentalist christianity feel safer to me which feels extremely backwards. but there were strict rules around when to have sex and you were celebrated for being in a relationship and "resisting temptation" while not being married. now relationships feel more like a threat, and even though i logically understand that this could be solved by communication/a compatible partner, i still very heavily feel the risk of either hurting someone by refusing sex or allowing someone to hurt me by having sex i don't want to have

i'm not blaming people who value sex in their relationships for wanting sex. i'm not saying they should have to sacrifice something they feel strongly about. and i'm certainly not suggesting more purity culture or less sex positivity. i just have noticed that the expectations around sex in marriage in fundamentalist christianity are similar to expectations around sex in relationships outside of it, because sex is seen as necessary for humans, and being a human that doesn't want sex can be really alienating sometimes