#but also thats the closest ive come to feeling anything all week and its haunting me

[the-sparkling-diamond-satine]

.

[mylifediaryposts]

25/04/17

I have depression. I feel like for the first time I can say that openly and honestly to myself. 

I cant play instruments or draw so I had to find my release. Im hoping that it may just help or give comfort to anyone who may be in this position and hasn’t got to the point of helping themselves.

I think Ive suffered with depression for years and I have just let in manifest into my everyday life, from not being able to stick at something, to my failing relationships. I was reading an article on male depression the other week and Ive never related to something more than this.

“The emotional abuse I saddled on those around me remains the worse product of my depression. I allowed depression to burden not only me, but two girlfriends, my family, and my closest friends. One girl could not deal with it and ended up leaving me.  The other stuck around longer, and I abused her emotions without knowing it. I was terrifyingly cold and unfeeling, even as she broke down into tears and begged me to say anything.  I made her feel responsible for anything that went wrong in my life.  I left her more than once without warning, but would soon come back  and manipulate her damaged emotions to get back together. All of it was a way for me to artificially build myself back up. I was trying to destroy my depression, but I ended up harming the most vulnerable people in my life. Cowardice and dishonesty dictated my thinking”

I don’t know if you have ever read anything that hits you right down to your core, where you can see yourself in another person. This extract pushed me to the edge. This is something i’ve subconsciously been doing for years and Ive mental broken two strong women with my actions and I think thats the part that will haunt me for a long time. Im not a bad guy i’m the first person to go out of my way to help anybody if i can, so to feel that I could bring someone down to there lowest through my behaviour is something that I will always been sorry for.

Then there is drink, it can be your best friend and your worst enemy. I love the social aspect of drinking. I like to be around people and feel that people want to be around me but its when drink becomes something you do stop your brain chatter it becomes an issue. Which leads into it being the only thing you want to do. When the fun stops. STOP.

I think like most people I have no idea why I am depressed or even when it actually started. Ive faced it now and now I have to be strong enough to push through everyday. This is something that nobody can help you with. Whilst I am on this subject Id like to talk depression from my own experience. For years I didn’t really believe depression existed. Ive been through my fair share of shit as a child and into my teens but Id always just pick myself up and keep going. When I first helped my friend during her dark times I could listen and advise but deep down I thought just be happy, get on with it and that you’re just a bit down. Which I think is the same thoughts for most people when you hear the word. Now that I’m there I realise what these people were telling me. I can only explain it as: Imagine someone is shaking your head whilst you are trying to pull yourself out of quicksand. They stop shaking your head for a minute but that was the only thing stopping you from sinking. Or you know the part in deadpool with the tank that starves him of oxygen but thats you feeling strong then when the machine turns on you lose all ability to think, move and all you want to do is lie in bed and sleep. Ive been sad, Ive dealt with things that are not nice but this is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Im sure theres a few of you reading this that know what I’m saying and if you don’t I really hope you never will.

As men from nursery we were always taught that the men are strong and you look after the girls and make sure they’re safe. The theme runs throughout childhood stories and into disney films with the princess in the tower and the brave knight has to face the dragon to rescue her from the tower. I’ve always been the go to guy when people needed help or advice. Its something I pride myself on. Ive always been the strong figure in my family so facing this has been a major challenge for me. Telling the people closest to you that you're not okay is hard and I wont forget the look my mom gave me before embracing me in a massive hug! I kept mine to myself for ages and now in hindsight I wish I had spoken out sooner! 

I have loads more to write but lets not give you all the good stuff in one go! I only have two small points to make. 1. This is not me looking for sympathy this is me finding an outlet that i’m hoping may help somebody else. 2. Im still me, I don’t want to be pussy footed around, and don’t worry i’m not contagious. 

I hope this hasn’t bored you to much and Ill be updating this with my good days and bad days and also the things i’ve found that have worked for me and the ones that haven’t. Its not easy for me to share this journey but I feel us as men need to be more open as to many of us suffer for no reason!