#but also now i’m kind of unemployed a lil goes a long way

[sofiaruelle]

MAKE A BUNCH OF FAUX BAND POSTERS!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WOULD GIVE YOU ALL OF MY MONEY

Alrighty….here’s a 3 more thumbnails hahhahah

and i’m just gonna slide my ko-fi~ https://ko-fi.com/sofiaruelle

(you arent obligated to obviously!!!!! BUT….if anyone would like to *wink wonk*. it will definitely help me expidite the process hahhahaha)

[cohentm]

✮     ∷     ╰  𝖚𝖕𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 .

             I FEEL LIKE i just ran away from home and then realized i’m five and, unfortunately, cannot survive without my parents. LMDFLKDFGM i missed u all and had to return… we hate to see it. anyway! whew. i figured i’d post a refreshed lil intro for cohen to make sure i hit on some key changes before i hop back into the game! the most important / group-related part is right at the top, so if u read nothing else, read that! ily all and i’m excited to jump back in like i never left. i’ll be sliding in dms and makin’ starters asap, so if u wanna make some connection changes my door’s always open! x

✮     ∷     ╰  𝖈𝖔𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖘𝖊𝖌𝖚𝖗𝖆 : 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 .

cohen currently lives in a glorified, raggedy frat-esque house ( he is NOT a fratboy but he might as well be huh ) of his own right off campus, about a five minute drive / ten minute walk from the stadium ( it’s about four bedrooms large with three bathrooms, all on one floor. think david dobrik’s house–click here to see–except much uglier and CHEAP MVDFLG ). 

he’s fiscally very protective of his savings. he’s been working since he was 12 with his dad, and never ever spent his money, despite some repetitive near-misses where his parents tried ( and failed, bc cohen’s slick ) to steal money from him. basically he now pays for his share of the house using the money he saves/has always saved working for factories, farms, & fixing people’s junk cars. 

his only current roommate is foster, meaning he has two spare rooms he’s not really doing anything with. beer pong table’s outside, the kitchen is the alcohol hot spot, there’s a pool table instead of a dining room table, u know how it goes. 

regardless, he throws open invite house parties literally every weekend. they take place every friday night up until the sun rises on sunday morning–whether he’s around the house for all of five seconds or all night doesn’t matter, because they’re always a-go. 

you’re all 100% free to use his house entirely at your leisure for character fun / development / a place for ur thread to take place / etc! you don’t even need to get my okay beforehand! just do it! think of it as a known dillon fact that cohen’s having a house party every weekend NFKDFNDFKJG. 

no matter who you are, whether cohen likes you or not, he will not care if you show up with some randos or familiar faces and party it out. he’s socially bored 24/7 and full of apathy and alcohol at all times so mans probably will be plastered drunk out doing donuts in the parking lot and fighting someone he doesn’t have beef with anyway. ur muse probably won’t even see him there. LMKGDFLG if you’ve ever seen burlesque? literally him showing up to his OWN house for a visit / to get plastered and then wander off during the weekend party is…. real. so yeah! use his house like it’s ur own. just be out by sunday afternoon bc he likes to pretend none of it ever happened as soon as he wakes up and has to be sober for school. x KMVFBLFG love u all.

✮     ∷     ╰  𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬  &  𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

tw: eating disorder mentions ( food & lifestyle ), drug addiction / recovery, alcoholism, & mentions of past steroid use.

full name.    cohen anthony segura.

aka.    co, jet.

character inspiration.    adam parrish ( the raven cycle ), vince howard & tim riggins lovechild ( if y’all watched fnl…. let’s cry together ), a much more problematic  &  asshole-ish david dobrik ( the vlog squad ), nathan scott ( oth ), steven hyde ( that ‘70s show ), emily prentiss & aaron hotchner lovechild ( criminal minds ), & noel miller ( tmg ).

age & d.o.b.    twenty-two. birthdate tbd.

zodiac.    virgo sun, aries moon, & aquarius rising.

pronouns.    he / him.

orientation.    openly bisexual.

this has never presented as too large of an issue for cohen, despite living in dillon. he isn’t afraid of being talked about, and has a history of making sure people know he can hold his own if anyone has anything to say about his personal life.

university major.    architecture  &  architectural technology.

after living in a trailer for the duration of his life, the idea that he would be invested in architecture is astounding. however, here he is. his passion for home creation stemmed from growing up and envisioning a real home to live in. his parents are both into self-taught carpentry, and his dad was shoving tools and measuring tape into his hands from the time he was young in an effort to instill in him a firm “get it done yourself” mindset. he spends his time studying structure  &  building planning, and secretly has a journal full of dream house mark-ups.

occupation.    wide receiver for the dillon panthers, full time student, & prospective architect / carpenter post-college.

tattoos.    many riddled throughout his body. brandon arreaga’s tattoos are cohen’s.

face claim.    brandon arreaga.

alignment.    neutral evil.

hogwarts.    slytherin.

positive & negative traits.    ( if u’ve already read this do not read it again i promise u nothing here changed LSMFLD )

hardworking–he works himself to the bone and is entirely unapologetic about it. you’ll rarely catch him slipping, but if he does, he’s the first to get ear-splittingly angry with himself over it. he’s way too hard on himself & he knows it, but he’ll never admit it. 

he nitpicks at the flaws of others in an effort to feel superior, and always acts unaffected when he’s called out for bringing the team down when he’s not taking care of himself ( cue vince howard from fnl or nathan scott from oth scenes where they’re bragging about how good they are on the field even though he’s apt to get himself hurt because of how desperate he is for some kind of validation–cohen had a huge issue with restricting and abusing stimulants / testing steroids throughout high school and college in an attempt to boost his football persona. he was always incredibly fast and beat literal ODDS to maintain his wide receiver position, but especially thanks to his small build he’s used to being underestimated / downplayed, which puts a really heavy weight on his shoulders. today, he’s eating healthily, he’s off drugs, and he’s taking care of himself better than he ever has before, but it’s still incredibly hard and he still reaches out for ways to overcompensate, which is where alcohol usually comes into play ). 

transparent–sure, he can turn into a stressed out & irritable jerk within a fraction of a second, but at least he’s upfront about when he switches lanes. LDFGLMKFG

he’s incredibly focused, which means he’s never going to linger in uncertainty for too long before he admits that he’s just not down to be around you / to be there / to talk / etc. he’s no bullshitter by any means. he’d rather hurt your feelings and keep his environment stable and tactile than stick around and put his easily shaken emotions at risk just to make you comfy. 

he’s also accountable. he knows when he’s causing shit to fuck up & hit the fan, and he’s always quick to right wrongs when things are on him. ofc he’s bred from a family full of blame-givers, so he unhealthily picked up a bad habit of being really good at sounding like he’s apologizing sincerely when he’s really just trying to end a fight because he’s annoyed. LDCLDKMFDFG. 

he’s blunt, temperamental, & incredibly selfish when it comes to his own lifelines / vices, but wholeheartedly selfless when it comes to doing anything to protect or lift up the people he loves.

mental diagnoses.    anorexia nervosa ( in recovery ), alcoholism ( ongoing ), an addiction to various stimulants ( in recovery ), & frequent past attempts at steroid use.

physical diagnoses.    n / a.

phobias.    has an irrational fear of accidentally burning down his house. will get immensely stressed–to the point where he’s absolutely annoying and intolerable to put up with / be around–if someone’s cooking or baking “irresponsibly.” will probably yell at you and hover-cook until you let him take over so he can make sure nothing goes wrong. LMSDFKLFG

scars.   an appendix scar on his lower left side.

drug use.    frequently.

alcohol use.    frequently.

diet.    very decently rounded. he loves to cook, despite being self-taught. growing up the way he did, he settles for making simple dishes very well. he’s not the type to go all out for dinner. he meal preps like it’s his job. he usually just settles with some kind of pan-friend chicken and pasta dish at home.

birth place.    dillon, texas.

parents.    "jude" judith & anthony segura. 

two lower class parents with deep-rooted anger issues. they currently live in the same trailer park together, in separate trailers, and fight with each other constantly. they claim they’re divorced, and are seeing other people, but they’ve never actually filed for anything, since anthony segura thinks it’s just a ploy for judith to take “half [his] shit.” cohen visits them often, and acts as a middle ground child who hates but loves both of them equally. his dad enjoys / tolerates his son’s presence more than his mother does, but only marginally. his mother’s much less concerned with the fact that she has children, since, in her mind, her relationship issues are the most important things in her life. cohen spent many nights as a kid with his drugged up mom in his lap while she cried about not being loved by anyone. his dad, even though he’s rough with cohen, at least spends time with him every now and again. as a kid, his dad was handing him beers to drink and tools to learn to use to prove he was a man ( despite being a ten y/o child bfkjgk oh well! ). regardless, today cohen lives on his own but is still the financial backbone for his parents–since his mom is unemployed and his dad is a seasonal construction worker–and has been since he was fifteen. they ask him for money every chance they get, and cohen never says no.

siblings.    a younger sister ( by two years ). loves her to death. would protect her with his life.

pets.    he’s notorious for letting a certain set of strays run amuck in his house. he feeds the neighborhood cat, is a-okay with people bringing their animals to his parties, etc. but he’s too scared of permanence and obsessed with independence to ever follow through with getting his own animal.

education.    current senior at dillon university. 

he has always been a decent student. he got into architectural honors college his sophomore year of college. however, he’s still not by any means incredibly intelligent. he’s decent grade-wise, but only because he tries really hard and puts in the effort it takes to keep up in a field like architecture. he’s also a chronic cheater, but c’est la vie! lmfgdflkg he spends the vast majority of his time either studying or practicing, and gets very irritable very quick doing either activity because he doesn’t know how to manage stress, so he drinks in the evenings in an attempt to make up for his tense demeanor, but he’s an angry drunk so… whomst are we really kidding here. LMDFKLG

languages.    english & american sign language.

[thelonelytraveler11]

Is this really the best I can do?!

It's been three years since I've done any form of research. I haven't worked in almost three years. Just in case anyone's wondering, yes, I filled out job applications (a lot, like ~250 before I gave up). For the past couple years, I've been living off my savings, the little bit of money I get from my family, and the little bit of money I get from having part time jobs. My work experience since dropping out has been pretty dismal (on average), I haven't been able to hold down a job that gave an appreciable amount of money for longer than 3 months at a time without being fired or being so miserable that I just said "fuck it" and quit.

I understand the concern some may have. You may consider it my fault for being unemployed. Quitting a job that I'm miserable while doing may seem irrational or irresponsible, but speaking as a person who spent almost the entirety of his college years being miserable, I can say with all honesty that being broke is better than being miserable. I envy those that can’t seem to comprehend my way of thinking, because that probably means they have a very good life. I wouldn't want to work in an environment that negatively affects my emotional state for 4 decades anyways. Having disposable income isn’t more important than my well being. Having a job I actually enjoy doing is very important to me because I don't have many sources of happiness in my life.

I'm kind of a loner. I don't have a strong relationship with any of my relatives and I don't have friends anymore (and even more troubling, I don't care to have those types of relationships anymore). The only potential source of happiness is my job. I don't foresee me failing in love or developing a close relationship with anyone. If the current trend continues, I think its more probable that it doesn’t happen.

I feel numb most of the time and when I do feel something, I'm usually thinking about my college days and that something is usually anger. It honestly was my biggest regret, going to the University of Illinois. Sometimes I wished I never went to college. Literally the only thing that was even remotely good about my college experience was my grades, everything else sucked. Looking back, I wish I went back to working at CVS after I graduated from HS.

In the alternate timeline, I probably would have been better off in the long run (very little stress, no debt, live rent free at my mom's house for a couple of years after graduation while working a presumably full time job which would enable me to save up a fair amount of cash before moving out). Instead, I came away with nothing. My college education was completely worthless, I reaped no benefits from being a degree recipient. All I did was waste 7 years of my life and thousands of other people’s dollars studying stuff that ultimately wouldn't matter. If I were a benefactor for the UIUC department of chemistry, I would be pissed to hear my story because that means my money isn't being put to good use, especially if I added into one of the scholarships that was awarded to me.

So, I know what your wondering, why am I writing this post? Well, I was trying to get ride time with CFD and I called for a specific person that wasn't in. Someone took a message and wrote my name down as Joel Dennison. Dennison was the last name of the NMR guy at UCI. That got me thinking about my college days and how I hated basically everyone. I caught myself looking through emails and for the most part, the more I read, the more I remembered, the more enraged I got. Now that's one sure fire way to put me in a bad mood, get me thinking about the bad ol' days. I bet many of the people I went to grad school with are enjoying their careers, while I was completely forgotten (and if they're not enjoying them, well at least they have them).

I’ve always wondered why were the other students so complicit? Is racism really that prevalent? Is there something else going on? See, it's one thing to not say anything while they were still students because it runs the risk of them being treated like I was treated. But to not even offer a helping hand even after their careers were established, knowing what they know, is un-fucking-real.

I never really felt welcomed in chemistry. People seemed to be more in love with the idea of me. I noticed the longer I stayed, the worse I was treated. At U of I, it was .... kinda bad. I experienced a form a discrimination where I would have written essentially the same answer as my lighter counterparts but received lower grades (slightly lower, but still). People assumed I did well in certain classes because the professor "liked me" (pretty sure no one at U of I liked me much). People also made statements that are crazy racist and then tried to pass them off as jokes. I fucking hated life in Champaign-Urbana.

SIDE NOTE: the following story doesn't necessarily reflect the chemists, but it does represent a subset of the student body at U of I. So, I'm sitting in the cafeteria with three dudes I already knew and some guy from the next table looks over to me and says "Sorry, if I offended you". I calmly replied "what did you say?" And Oh....My....God.... the look of utter fear was plastered all over his face. I said, "What did you say?", again, calmly. I can not stress enough that I was visibly calm throughout this entire situation. And then I noticed he was shivering, I figured I would warm up a lil bit by using my hot ass breath, so I repeated the question louder and slower (you know, to give the guy's body time to come to thermal equilibrium), again.......calmly. He was still frozen in fear. So now I am mentally gearing up to jump across this table to snatch this little boy's neck out from under him. And then something miraculous happened, my tunnel vision broke down and I realized someone was calling me. It was Jon (one of the kids I was sitting with) telling me to drop it...so I did......so, yeah, that's the story of how I almost got kicked out of U of I for snatching the neck out from under some little white kid during sophomore year. 


But there was one instance of me being the butt of racist jokes in chemistry that I can remember. Then UIUC grad student, John Overcash (who I believed worked for Ken Suslick), made mention of me "cooking crack up in the kitchen" on more than one occasion. Apparently, since I was a black chem major (that specialized in organic chemistry) I must have been a drug dealer beforehand. Or maybe he thought I was a drug dealer then....who knows...

To make matters worst, people have used the stuff other people made up to put themselves a head of me. Senior year I had an interview with eli lilly. My interview was at 9 am and there was one person interviewing before me at 8 am. The 8 am slot was taken by one Joseph Cullen (a fellow undergrad). During the end of his interview , I could vaguely hear what was said, but it sounded like Cullen told the interviewers that I was a drug dealer. The door opens up, the interviewer shoots me a look and goes into the room where my interviewers were and talks to them. Meanwhile Cullen walks past me. I give him a thumbs up and he walks away chuckling to himself. These are not good signs. I can’t say for certain that these people really believed I was a drug dealer, but their behavior suggested it. It was their reaction to me saying the phrase "nice white crystalline product", that’s what suggested it. I was describing the physical characteristics of the product from a reaction I ran and it just so happen to be a white crystalline solid (...smh). What I want to know why were these people so quick to believe Cullen? Yes, what Cullen said could be true (which it wasn't) but couldn't it also be true that he's trying to give himself a better chance of getting a job by undercutting the competition?

I wish I got a job offer as an undergrad. I honestly didn't want to go to grad school, but I had no other choice. Visiting grad schools was a whole ordeal, I was told in one way or another that I wasn’t welcomed ... at every school. At Scripps I was told explicitly that I wasn’t good enough to be there by complete strangers (how exactly would they know given that they never assessed my ability to think ... who knows). At Indiana University, I was placed in a hotel room by myself because they heard I slept naked. At UCI, I was told that I wouldn’t make it pass my first year (again, by complete strangers). At Caltech, I was told I didn’t belong because I was a drug dealer (or that I look like a drug dealer, apparently).

Now, I ask you, how do drug dealers look exactly? What are they’re defining characteristics? I ask because if you asked someone who lived in Champaign-Urbana for four years to imagine what a drug dealer looks like, they might imagine a srcawny white boy in a frat (not someone that looks like me). What makes the Caltech visit even weirder was that Prof. Sarah Reisman was just standing by, staring at me while I was being told I didn’t belong (by the help, you know, the people who was serving drinks). It was like she was trying to read my facial expressions to get a sense of what type of person I was (or am). Or was she using the help as a proxy to express her own thoughts (I’m not sure)? Was she waiting for me to “defend myself”? 
How would I be able to do that exactly?

SIDE NOTE: it’s impossible to defend yourself when there’s no evidence for or against whatever accusations there may be. It all comes down to what people choose to believe. The help has already chosen to believe I’m a drug dealer (or at least look like one) and I’m willing to bet there’s really nothing I can really do about.

No matter how I analyze the situation, Reisman’s behavior does not reflect positively on her as a person. I’m not sure if she knows this, but she was the primary reason I had to not go to Caltech. I found her behavior to be very off-putting and I got the sense that she didn’t really want me to go to school there. On top of that there was talk of her wanting to have (oral) sex. 


DISCLAIMER: I am effectively asexual, I don’t have sex ... with anyone ... or anything (yes, I actually needed to say both).

Now, I didn’t believe the talk when I first heard it because I thought there was no way a self-respecting, competent professor would admit to wanting to engage in a sexual relationship with a perspective student ... this is what I choose to think. However, the more I heard of her desires to have (oral) sex, the more I believed it. But I never fully accepted the rumors as the truth until my first year at UCI. Reisman came to Irvine for a talk and as always almost all the Organic students showed up. Before the event, I was sitting at the small table with another grad student in my year, her name was Beth R. (I don’t know how to spell her last name and I’m not going to try to google it). Beth ended up mentioning how pretty Reisman looked .... I “mmmhmmm”ed her. I could hear the chatter going on behind me, Reisman seemed mildly disappointed that I didn’t agree. Beth soothed her ill feelings by saying that I didn’t disagree. After the event, I was talking to Prof. Scott Rychnovsky and Reisman came up in the conversion. This was the final nail in the coffin that made me believe the rumors were true. It wasn’t the fact that he said she would’ve blown me, it was the fact that he said it soooo enthusiastically. He was as enthused as a person could possibly be in a professional/academic setting. No one should that enthused by the thought of a man getting his dick sucked as much as Rychnovsky was by the thought of Reisman putting my dick in her mouth, no one. It was kinda weird. 


The thought this woman hocking loogies on my dick tip, and imagining the sensation of warm saliva slowly rolling down my shaft (as I quote lines from the movie, Shaft (the Samuel L. Jackson version...obviously)) as I knock my head back, praying to god that I don’t come away from this situation with paper cuts (she has thin lips) just to look back down after noticing she paused just so she could fill the waves from my pulsating erection and make eye contact as she goes deeper and increases the pace eventually moving to the point where she starts straggling my balls and moaning like Lady Gaga singing a lullaby to baby while stroking my hard cock until I cum for her as Nicole Nava sits beside her while taking notes shouldn’t be even remotely amusing.....TO ANYONE...EVER!!!!!! But apparently to Rychnovsky, it was. It was at that moment I never wanted to be affliated with Caltech as long as Reisman was there. If Caltech and Illinois were the only two places that offered me jobs after finishing the PhD, I’d have to change careers.


Okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t really view professors as people. When I was a student, they were more like encyclopedias that could talk to me. They simply took the form of a human, kinda like a barbie doll. They’re anatomically incorrect, they lack genitalia, so they don’t have a gender. I honestly, believed this. One time, during senior year, I walked in the third floor bathroom in RAL and I saw Prof Steven Zimmerman taking piss. My face immediately screws all the way up, my inside voice says “How is he standing up and taking a piss when he doesn’t have a dick?”.....I thought that....I literally thought that....I shit you not. Just so you know, it wasn’t just Zimmerman, it was every professor. The women are doubly dickless, in my mind Suzanne Blum was like —(Mia Khalifa) because she has negative two dicks inside of her at all times.

DISCLAIMER: just so we’re clear, I’m NOT alluding to the fact that Blum has to get people to agree to have sex with her. Nor am I alluding to the assertion she’ll probably be nothing more than an afterthought for literally anyone. I’m merely trying to stress the fact that I don’t think of professors as people, but as encyclopedias that can talk to me.

I was made to feel unwlecomed at every school I visited. Why? Well, you'll have to ask them. I can honestly say that by the time graduation (from U of I) came around I didn't believe that i would have a successful career as a chemist, but I put everything into this so I couldn't just leave...

Grad school was even worst because on top of being the black kid, I was also the social pariah. The other students did a real good of making me feel unwelcomed. So much so that after two weeks of living in Irvine I stopped trying to make friends. No one seemed interested in being cool with me (I'm basing this off people's behavior ... obviously). And if some of them were, the way they showed it was so unique that I couldn't even recognize it as a sincere attempt to get my attention.

I also experienced some the same stuff I did when I was at U of I. Namely, instructors not giving me what I earned. In Dave VanVraken’s class I always received the second highest score on the exams. The really curious thing is that no one knows who received the top score. Once, when I asked to see the printed out distribution, the TA refused to show me (why?). I'm willing to bet that single point ahead of me was a dummy point. In Liz Jarvo’s class, when the first exam came around, we found out the high score was a 83. Who got the high score?...no one knows, but when I received my test the number 38 was written on (Also note I just so happen to get the same score as the other kid from U of I). At first, I was puzzled and glanced over to Peg (the TA). She sees my score, turns to Jarvo and says "he knows he didn't get that low". While I don't remember Jarvo’s exact words, she stated in some way that I would come to her and argue my case for a higher grade. So, here's the thing. I shouldn't have to defend myself or argue with you to ensure that I'm treated like everyone else. It should be a given. 


From what I hear the reason why I was treated this way has something to do with them not wanting me to "talk stuff" to the other students. 


Okay, so where is this coming from? I ask because I’ve been me long enough to know their opinion of what I’m like isn’t actually based off me. If they actually talked to my fellow classmates, the most common thing you’d probably hear is that I’m quiet. So either these people are just making up stuff to justify treating me how they want to treat me or my classmates are liars. I’m not really the type to talk about my grades (or really anything) unless the topic is explicitly brought up in conversation (and this is assuming I feel like talking at all). You can dress it up however you want, but treating me like a second class student for any reason solely reflects poorly on you (it gives no indication as to what I’m like). There were instances like this in half the classes I took. Some, admittedly were a smaller deal than others. In Vanderwal’s class I got marked off once because I didn’t draw both arrows in a mechanism that included a homolytic cleavage. For those that don’t know, if a homolytic cleavage occurs and you show one electron going in one direction, it is assumed that the other electron goes in the opposite direction and therefore does not need to be explicitly stated (minor, but mildly annoying). In polymer chemistry (taught by Aaron Esser-Khan), we had one assignment where we needed to propose something that wasn’t in the primary literature. I proposed a polymerization based off a derivative of the Hiyama coupling. Khan’s critique was that since it wasn’t already in the primary literature, it probably wasn’t a good idea ... really?! And don’t even get me started on spec because that spec TA was sketchy as fuck. He intentionally told me the wrong due date for a homework assignment and I’m pretty sure he shaved a couple points off one of my exams...

Okay, so these experiences are only a subset of the shitty things I experienced as a UCI student. But do you know what made life at UCI worst than life at U of I? My research advisor (Suzanne Blum)....and to a slightly lesser extent my fellow group members. Over the years I grew to hate them. I was lied about, I had a homework assigns hidden behind water coolers (Darius Faizi), I’ve had the nitrogen lines removed from air sensitive reactions (Darius Faizi, Suzanne Blum), I had products from reactions switch out for reagent alcohol (it’s a mixture of ethanol, methanol, and isopropanol) (Josh Hirner), I’ve had septums removed from reaction mixtures (Josh Hirner), I’ve had people try to placate me with sex (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people try to use the fact that I was in an agitated state to get something they wanted (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people turn on the indoor lights in my car in an effort to drain my battery while I’m allowing them to use my car to practice driving so they can get a U.S. driver’s license (Muhammed Al-Amin), I’ve had people ask questions just so they can not listen to the answer (Chao Zheng, Drew), I’ve experienced asking people for help just so they can not even try to help brainstorm what the answer could be (Darius Faizi, Kim Tu), I helped others brain storm shortcomings for a proposal, just to catch an attitude when they realize I didn’t catch everything the first time around (Quinn Easter). 


SIDE NOTE: To provide context, Quinn asked me to look through a synthetic route in his proposal that he was intending to present in his advancement to candidacy exam. There was something I didn’t immediately see but did bring up during a group when he was giving a practice presentation. He became visibly upset and mentioned he thought I was trying to make him look bad. If I was really trying to make you look bad, I wouldn’t have told you anything, so that you would’ve made the same mistakes when it actually mattered. Quinn, you’re an idiot.  


l’ve had people call me after I already dropped out and given up on chemistry from a redacted telephone number claiming to be an official representative of UCI calling me in an effort to get my address (Suzanne Blum, Ashley Davis), and I’ve had the experience where I ask for information pertinent to group website maintenance and they act like I’m hitting on them (Adena).

SIDE NOTE: 
This is something that always amused/offended me, having  someone assume I’m attracted to them because I acknowledged their existence. It’s funny because because they have the audacity ... but it’s also offensive because the operating assumption is that I don’t have standards, which couldn’t be further from the truth. (They seem to make a lot of faulty assumptions)

What was this experience suppose to teach me? How was I supposed to become a better person or scientist because of my affiliation with the group/university? Me coming to Irvine and working for Blum was a total waste of my time. I’m not entirely sure what her deal was, but it seemed she had a preconceived notion of who I was. No matter what type of relationship we have (or suppose to have) this will cause problems where there shouldn’t be. 


Is the request that someone’s opinion of you is actually based on you too much to ask for? Because I feel it’s a basic request that most people should be able to easily do. The contemptuous treatment did subside with time (mostly because I avoided talking to other students when ever possible) but it never really stopped. Why did it start to begin with? I’m willing to bet the only things they don’t like about me has everything to do with me reacting to the way they treat me.  Again, I have to ask, is racism really that prevalent?


Then one day, I started getting so fed up with life that I decided I needed an escape, even if it’s only for a couple weeks. So, I started planning a trip to Europe. I worked hard in the weeks coming up to the trip. I was trying to finish my entire project before I left (sadly, I didn’t, but I tried). Things were looking on the up and up. Before I left, Blum even said I was meeting her expectations, that was the nicest thing she ever said to me (it was the nicest thing anyone at UCI has ever said to me). I went off on my trip, and during the middle of it I received an email essentially telling me that my time at UCI was finished. Why? I still don’t know. 3 years later and I still don’t know why my career was ended before it was even given a chance to start.  It’s hard to move on with your life when you don’t have closure. It’s really hard to move on when you still have to live with consequences of other people’s actions.

 SIDE NOTE: I got the sense sometimes that Suzanne Blum did not really care about her job 100% of the time. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. It’s like, either she truly didn’t understand the importance of her role (as the leader of a research group) or she truly doesn’t give a shit. Either way, she doesn’t deserve to be in the position she’s in. 


I still remember my last day in Irvine. It was bitter sweet. I was so happy to finally get to leave but also a bit anxious because I knew that the thousands of hours I spent studying and doing research was time wasted and it would never amount to anything. I knew I wasn’t going to get a job with my credentials. I even saw Eric (the other kid from U of I) in the student center when I went over to get lunch. He was looking at me all sad and shit because he knew I didn’t have a future in chemistry. We didn’t talk, we just walked past each other and exchanged glances. I tried to conceal a smile as I walked by. By the time my Dad’s flight landed, I had moved most of the stuff out my apartment. 


Life at home was hard. Depression is a mother fucker. I liken it to  a less severe version of sleep paralysis. I felt like I was stuck in my own body. Kinda like how I felt in the early Irvine days when it would take me hours to roll out of bed. I would literally wake at 6 am and just stare at the ceiling for ~4 hrs before I could convince myself to get up. And to make things worst, no emotional support was offered by my family. Their assumptions that I’m somehow responsible for other people’s actions along with their snide remarks about me being lazy did the opposite of help. I regretted coming home, even more so when I found out I somehow failed the background check for CPD. 


Now, how in the holy fuck does someone without a criminal record fail a background check? The only reasonable thing I could come up with to explain this is that the work experience I listed (my research experience) doesn’t count as work experience because instead of working for a salary, I worked for credit hours or a stipend. I have to tell myself things like this to convince myself I’m not getting screwed over in every facet of my life. If this is true, then my college experiences are doubly worthless because not only can the credentials I’ve earned not be used to get a job I’m more than qualified to do, but they can’t even get me a job you don’t even need a bachelor’s degree for.  


I wish I moved to LA after dropping out. If I stayed in Cali, I’d be force to move on with my life because I wouldn’t be able to sulk in my mother’s house for months. What would I do for work? idk...but I’d find something, and when I get fired, I’d just move on to the next dead end job.

As time went on, I found it easier to move, I still have scars though. Scars that may never heal. What can I do from here on out? I’m not sure. Going back to graduate school isn’t an option (or any program that requires letters of recommendations) because after experiencing what I’ve experienced and allowing those that I depended on for letters of rec to learn about my experiences, everyone seemed to be complicit. Either they didn’t do anything to change the course of action or it seemed like they were trying to cover it up by telling me to take the site down. I lost faith in everyone, I don’t think I can trust any of the profs to submit a letter of rec on my behalf when they either have done something that goes against my interests, are complicit in the wrong doing of others, or seem as though they’re attempting to cover up what happened to me. Even if I could get in anywhere, I still don’t want to go back to school. I lost faith in higher education. I lost faith in people. Whatever I do, I have to be able to do it without a college degree.

Just in case you’re wondering, I can’t depend on my college friends either. Mostly because I wasted no time trying to make friends. I’ve come to believe that friends are a worthless luxury.

I honestly believed that if I studied hard and knew my shit someone would hire me. I was wrong. I learned the hard way that to the outside world you are not you. You are not the sum total of your thoughts and actions. You are your skin color. You are your hair texture. You are the clothes you wear on your back. You are what people choose to believe you are. You are not you. People don’t care to get to know the people around them, they just want to feel as though their justified in believing the way they do. So I guess in order to get by in life you just need to be everyone’s friend and present yourself in such a way that everyone deems acceptable. Having the skills needed to do the job is more of an afterthought, huh? You know, one of the corollaries is that you’re expected to exhibit a certain level of extroversion. Welp, it just so happens to be the case that I’m an introvert and if the previous statements have some truth then I can honestly say this system was set up for me to fail. The only way I can get by in life is because I’m better than the other guy. No one will ever choose me because I’m their best friend.

I believe that’s where some of my problems stem from. When people see my face, they expect an extrovert (or at least someone who is more extroverted than me). When they find out I’m not who they want me to be, the reactions can range from essentially nothing, to mild disappointment, to mild hostility. And I think this is because people are more interested in the idea of me than actually getting to know me. So when they meet me and actually get to know me after building me up in their heads they’re kinda like “...oohh, this is it?!”. I don’t understand people. It’s like people just assume that you’re going to conform to their world view while refusing to even bend to yours. Now, I’m totally opposed to the very concept of “fitting in” because of all that. I got the sense “fitting in” means assimilation, which may involve losing qualities that make you unique (ones you may actually like about yourself). I don’t see why I should change in any way for people I don’t like, that I don’t see the benefit of being associated with, or for people that never liked me to begin with. People even sometimes mock my behavior, presumably because I’m not what they want me to be and this is just their way of trying to get me to conform.


The most recent example of this is my cousin Sonia (she’s multicultural). I went to her graduation party during the summer. And as with most family functions, it pretty much consisted of me sitting quietly most of the time. So fast forward to when it’s time to go home. My mother and 2/3 of my brother’s children are making their way to the car, noticing the third one is missing I go back for her. As I’m making my way up the front porch, three of my cousins (one of which is Sonia) are in my path and I say “watch out”. As I walk past Sonia, she says something along the lines of “woah, he must be serious....” while laughing... I’m going to say this once, “Mocking my behavior because I don’t act how you want me to act will never help anything”...... unless you’re actively trying to get me to dislike you. I have to remember that Sonia is just a child. Maybe it hadn’t dawn on her yet that there��s more to life than what she’s experienced. She’s probably never met a person like me, so she won’t know what to say in order to get me to interact with her. But then I’m like, “But what makes her think making herself look like an ass would actually help her in any capacity?” How does this explain the behavior of grown ass men and women who do the same thing?”. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing, and these people just don’t realize how bad they make themselves look to people that aren’t like them. 


On the way home, I started thinking, “Is this really the best I can do?”.  Have I been doomed to live a life where I’m not really happy? No, it can’t be the case. I still have faith. I may not have faith in other people anymore, but I still have faith in myself. I believe I can make something out of nothing, even if no one else does.

After going through all I’ve gone through, all I want is to not suffer anymore. I just want to be insanely rich for no reason. This won’t solve all my problems but it will eliminate many. If I ever come into having an ungodly amount of money, I’d give some of it to my family so they can afford many of the things that they want in life. Then I’d disappear, never to be seen or heard from again.


I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that people want to learn useless knowledge without ever having to talk to me.

DISCLAIMER: the knowledge is useless because we won’t/don’t have a relationship of any sort. Why waste your time learning information that isn’t relevant to your life?

So I’m going to take this opportunity to answers some personal questions because the thing I hated the most about you people is your unique combination of arrogance, ignorance, and obliviousness. While I can’t help with the arrogance and the obliviousness, I can help with your total lack of knowledge. So, without further ado ...

QUESTION TIME

Did you ever like life in Champaign county?

I was excited to be there in the beginning, then I met the people and all that excitement went away quick.

What’s your fondest memory from college?

That one time when Chipotle was doing that 2 for 1 deal. That was cold.

So, what’s up with your sexuality?

I don’t have sex because I don’t want to take the risk of having children, also no STDs. People were oddly obsessed with my sexuality and I never quite understood it. Here’s the thing, I’m a little self centered and I’m like you in the sense that I don’t immediately acknowledge other people’s way of thinking all the time. I honestly don’t understand why there was as much “interest” in knowing what I’m interested in (I use quotes because if people were actually interested they probably would have try talking to me). My viewpoint is that your claimed sexual orientation is irrelevant, it’s not even worth bring up in conversation. The reason why is simple. If you see a pretty girl and you know she’s interested in men, it doesn’t necessary mean she’s interested in you (assuming your male) right? That’s why the only thing that matters to me is whether or not the person I’m interested in is interested in me. 

It’s funny because if you completely ignore the fact that not everyone thinks like me, it would seem as though there were ALOT of dudes that wanted me to fuck them when I was in college.

To the people “interested” in knowing my sexual orientation. Ask yourself two questions. Do you want a shot? Do you think you have a shot? Think hard about it. If the answer to one of those questions is “no”, don’t waste your time.

If you haven’t already figured it out by now, I don’t think like a normal person. I’m never going to adjust or change to make you feel comfortable, the best thing I can do is not talk to you at all. I don’t adjust to you, you adjust to me. Why? because fuck you, that’s why.

Are you ever going to have sex?

Maybe, maybe not. What’s it to you?

Do you think people like you?

I know they don’t. Based off their actions, they don’t want to like me either. They’d spend less time gossiping about the negative characteristics I could have and more time actually getting to know me if they did.

You don’t think people know anything about you?

It all depends on what you think it means “to know”. Personally, I don’t. I’m never around people long enough for them to be able to get a true sense of who am I as a person. All people get are snapshots. Sadly, that isn’t good enough. That’s something I don’t think most people realize, actually.

What if after reading this, people actually started trying to get to know you, how would you react?

My recommendation is that you don’t waste your time. You can’t undo the damage that’s already been done. I’ve already stopped caring.

If you could go back in time and pick another college, which would you pick?

Xavier University in NOLA. I’d pick this HBCU because I’m fairly confident some of the problems I encountered at U of I wouldn’t have existed there.

Why did you choose UCI?

Because they told me I wasn’t going to make pass my first year.  I knew what type of student I was. I knew I had what it took to make it through any program. But I was at a low point in my life, where nothing seemed to be going right. I figure If I go there and get forced out after a year, it wouldn’t be my fault. The devastating thing is they let me get so close to graduating before just booting me out like they did.

Why did you use the word “they”?

Someone easily could have stepped in and did something. The department just enabled her (Suzanne Blum).

What grad program do you think you should have choose?

Indiana University or Rutgers probably would been better for me.

What motivates you to do well?

Meaningful positive reinforcement. Don’t just give out compliments for the sake of giving out compliments.

What’s one thing you hate most about people?

Their stupidity. Before I was told I failed the background check fro CPD. I’d get calls from some sort of case worker for CPD who was suppose to determine my eligibility. This dude asked me if I “resigned” from the Blum group and acted like that was a perfectly valid question. This wasn’t a job, it was a component of an academic program. I WAS A STUDENT. There was no resignation. You don’t resign from school. You either graduate, drop out, or get expelled. I know some college education is required for employment with CPD, so it’s far more likely that this guy is an idiot. REMEMBER GRAD SCHOOL IS STILL SCHOOL AND THERE ONLY 3 WAYS TO LEAVE.

Did you ever consider taking legal action?

Yes, but I know the people I’m dealing with aren’t above lying. Since there’s no physical evidence (that I have in my possession) proving that wrongs did occur, I’m reluctant to believe I’d actually win. It’s not smart to get into a “he said she said” battle with people that are believed to be pathological liars.

Are there any common misconceptions you’d like to clear up?

I wasn’t doing the school shit to make friends. I only wanted to make money. That’s the only reason why I was there, to make money. Every time someone why I as getting a PhD, my answer essentially went like, “I’m getting a PhD because money.” I see no point in trying to make friends with people who seemed to have been conditioned to dislike me.

Also, just because I’m quiet it doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up. It is in fact possible to be someone who isn’t a big talker.

Contrary to popular belief. I am in fact a HUMAN BEING. I have emotions and sometimes something could happen in one part of my life that can affect other parts of my life (like how well I do in school or how productive I am in lab).

Why did you just give up?

What’s the point of playing the game when you know you’ll never win.

It seems like the college years were a hard time for you, did you ever do something to ease the pain, like drugs or alcohol?

No, I love myself too much to potentially set myself up for problems later. I gave comedy a thought, but I found really hard to want to be funny when all I’m thinking about is the depressing shit that inspired the joke. If I’m gonna do something, it’s gonna be something were I don’t have to live with the consequences of my actions. I was suicidal. I was planning to kill myself the night before my thesis defense.

Why then?

I was fairly confident that no one there cared to save me from myself. But just in case someone wanted to surprise me, I figure it would be best to do when no one would expect it.

How?

potassium cyanide. The night before my defense I was going to make it my point to get a bottle of potassium cyanide. a couple months before my trip to Europe, I looked up who had it. It was on the fourth floor (or maybe the fifth). Go all the way down to the last lab space on the right hand side. When you walk into the lab space go along the right hand side and go through the door on your right. After that go to the first door on the right hand side. I placed a bottle on KCN in the first column on the left hand side, top shelf. The bottle should be on the wall on the left side (assuming it’s still in the same place I left it). I figured it wouldn’t get much use due to its inherent toxicity so it would probably be in the same place I left it when I needed it. I wouldn’t be surprise if the bottle is still in that exact spot.


Did you ever think about getting help?

From who? When I did finally ask for help, the first thing I was told was that the department sided with Blum (mind you this is before any type of investigation occurred). As soon as I posted the email from Chris Vanderwal on this blog, his tune changed immediately. But his actions didn’t reflect the words he put out in the public space. He was of no use. He had no interest in helping me in any capacity. I’m sure of it. I’m all alone in this world, I don’t have a safety net so if I fall, that’s my ass.

What about the professors from UIUC?

My previous statement stands. I had no one.

Is that why you started the blog? You felt like your were all alone and just wanted someone talk to, even if that someone was actually a void in space?

Yes, that’s exactly it.

Is that why you’re still posting, you still feel alone?

yes

But what about your family?

With them I’m a dependent not a provider. They’d be okay without me.

So have you really never sought out a therapist?

I couldn’t find steady work. I can’t afford it. Depression is a rich people disease. When you’re broke you’re just labeled as lazy.

What’s one thing you want everyone to know?

You shouldn’t let your assumptions or the assumptions of others affect how you treat me. Remember, you don’t know me. I could come to be your best friend, your faithful and supportive business partner, or the love of your life and you’d just let me slip away all because someone told you dislike me.

(Also, please don’t waste my time talking to me about all the typos I made)

[betariz-blog1]

alright. here we go again. it’s me – acacia. the garbage behind the queen that is beatriz hong. i forgot to tell y’all about me. so, here it goes: i like kpop. that’s it. so, anyways, here’s some stuff about beatriz! ✧･ﾟ:* \(◕‿◕✿)/ *:･ﾟ✧

****psa you clicked on this so you’re obligated to plot with me srry but i don’t make the rules.

░   * . ╰ ✯ ›  ⊰ JENNIE KIM, CIS-FEMALE, TWENTY-ONE ⊱ is that BEATRIZ HONG ? the STUDENT & ASPIRING MUSICIAN. they’re known to be CHARISMATIC & ALLURING. but also NAIVE & RECKLESS. unknown to them, they are the reincarnation of PSYCHE.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: abandonment/adoption, depression

ok so so sooooo, beatriz grew up in an orphanage. (this for sure got dark fast. whoops??) basically all her childhood memories before she was ten was all with other orphans. and it wasn’t like she didn’t like the people or the place, it was her home for awhile after all. but once she was old enough to realize what the hell was going on she got pretty sad… she often wondered why her biological fam didn’t keep her. therefore, she knows absolutely nothing about her real parents.

but yo it ain’t always sad because eventually bea gets adopted into a wealthy family. her adoptive father, mark hong, was a famous actor and stuntman back in the 1960s. (think of jackie chan tbh) her adoptive mother, joan hong, was an award-winning actress in south korea. when her parents got together they were madly in love. once they got married, they wanted to have a baby. but unfortunately, joan was incapable of getting pregnant. so they turned to adoption!! and that’s when bea comes in and becomes the light of their lives!!  eventually, her mom retired… but her father wanted to continue being in the film industry and he’s now a film director and producer.

so, bea grew up around the fame and what not. acting had always seem interesting to her. she was featured in a couple commercials and spoke a few lines in shows, but never went any further than that. acting was nice but she knew it wasn’t meant for her. luckily, her parents were understanding and never pressured her to chose a career like theirs. if she wanted to be a model, doctor, teacher – they would’ve supported her no matter what.

once bea turned thirteen she went through an awkward phase. while she had some friends, she didn’t have many. and it wasn’t because she couldn’t make them, she just felt better being alone. however, with this time alone she got into writing. at first it was basic poetry she was taught in school. then eventually it developed into lyrics. that’s when bea knew song writing became a passion for her.

on her fourteenth birthday she asked for keyboard. then started to write her own music. this lead to other instruments such as the guitar, ukulele, and a midi pad controller. she started to produce her own music and like published it all over youtube and soundcloud (yeah she was one of thoSSEEEE.) eventually, she started growing an audience. she didn’t expect people to enjoy what she was producing. sometimes she would do covers of songs and that’s how it all began. 

she’s not signed to any companies yet. she has a manager who’s in charge of all her content and actions bscly. she’s currently writing songs, the concept she has going right now is ariana grande’s my everything. aka she just got out of the your’s truly phase and is slowly transforming. she’s trying to one day fulfill her dream of becoming a real singer. but if she isn’t singing she’s a full time college student. she’s currently unemployed looking for a job. but she really doesn’t have to seeing she comes from a pretty wealthy family that loves her unconditionally.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS

PERSONALITY wise, the girl has two sides. personality a: she is charismatic, creative, and alluring. she’s a sweetheart y’all. and i’m pretty sure that people try to push her around a lot. she’s very giving and has the best fan service. if her manager tells her not to stop and socialize at the airport, you know she’s gonna push past security to sneak in a few pics and accept those gifts. and when her friends force her out to party, trust that she’s gonna wild out. this girl looks like an absolute ball of sunshine. but personality b: everyone has a limit and if someone reaches her’s, that girl will snap so fast. she’s a bit naive and doesn’t have a good filter. so, most people find her rude sometimes but she only calls it as she sees it. she can be sarcastic af. sarcasm being her only form of defense. she’s grown out of her tough head of hair and morphed into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying?? self destructive?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. basically she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

bea and FRIENDS. she’s a very energetic and outgoing girl. she’s really good at making friends and is in need of attention constantly. although she might have some slight trust issues. therefore, probably won’t ever get that deep with them. she still wants a shit ton of friend. bea kinda has that mom friend. she plans out their day, makes sure they stay on task, looks both ways before crossing the street, etc etc. but… she’s most likely the baby of the group. considering the fact she just turned twenty-one. so, mostly everyone has the need to protect her at all costs. but she ends up being the protector instead. she loves deeply and cares deeply. she would literally give up the world for the people she cares about the most. she likes to keep to herself most of the time, because she knows it keeps her out of drama. but she can still kick it with people who get themselves into drama (does that make sense??) you can say, she tends to hangout with the wrong people sometimes. rip. maybe because she wants to believe people r good (even though she knows they aren’t lol.) overall, i would say she needs a lot of friends. LOVE THIS LIL SMOL BEAN.

as for ENEMIES. i don’t really think she has any, but she might. deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she has abandonment issues. therefore, she might come off as standoff-ish to new people. she keeps her circle tight. so maybe they think she’s cliquey? or she could have pushed people away. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. bea: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so maybe people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey. and there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

and when it comes to LOVERS. what a thing just thinking about it. for being such a beautiful and captivating woman, she hasn’t had a serious relationship. has she been in relationships? possibly so, but it probably only lasted a month. dates? yes, she has definitely been spotted with a couple guys. but a serious relationship? never. this is because a boyfriend would mean the following: allowing someone into your life and exposing every single thing about yourself. loving someone with all your heart and giving them the power to h u r t you. that’s scary!!! so, bea is a big baby when it comes to things like this. i’m sure she’s friendzoned a lot of guys. her excuse being, she doesn’t have time for a relationship right now. (but ya she’s just scared.) i think bea is just waiting for the right guy… whoever tht is??

WANTED CONNECTIONS

FRIENDS

best friend — someone she believes (or wants to believe) will always be there for her. the person she feels most comfortable with. someone she hasn’t pushed away them away and hopes she won’t ever have to. // m, f, or nb 

childhood friend — her first friend(s)! the one she’s known since she got adopted. someone who has always been around. almost like family. // m, f, or nb

winghoe — the wingman yo. someone who sees bea a soft ball of sunshine. is constantly trying to get her to go out on dates and what not. // m, f, or nb

brotherly figure— completely platonic relationship. just someone who can protect this small bean at all costs. // m or nb

sisterly/motherly figure — someone who she looks up to. someone who she sees a role model. // f or nb

ENEMIES

mistaken — someone who thinks she’s just a rude, standoff-ish, biatch. bea has probably tried to explain to them that she doesn’t mean to come off like that. but this person just ain’t having it. // m, f, or nb

pushed away — they used to be friends but once shit got real, bea dropped them real fast. she just cut them off and it kind of resulted into this fucked up unnecessary tension. // m, f, or nb

rivals — someone who hates her and some she hates too. maybe they throw some mad shade at her all the time. just a lot of fighting. // m, f, or nb

corrupter — she is so naive. so maybe this person did her real dirty leaked some info about her being adopted? like once a really good friend and someone she can’t stand. // m, f, or nb  

LOVERS

exes — so basically, they had a thing but bea called it quits. or they did?? either way, bea just tries to ignore the fact that they were ever a thing. however, she’s mad awkward around them if they ever run into each other. // m or nb

the date — that one person she went on a date with. probably had some huge dating scandal after her relationship with her ex ended. // m or nb

publicity stunt — this would be good for the future. her manager probably set her up for this because she wasn’t in the top fifteen on the charts. they could get along or they could absolutely despise each other. // m or nb

the one — this could be a friend, an enemy, anything really. this could go in any direction we want. but this person gonna end up being the o n e. // m or nb

*** to be honest, throw whatever ideas you have right at me! i’m so down for whatever

MISCELLANEOUS 

☆ overall beatriz is a big ol’ fluff ball. the world sees her as a babydoll dressed in black and pink. an absolute doll. charming, cute, and talented. she seems like the full package. an absolute angel to her small group of fans, acquaintances, and etc….but anyone who really knows her, knows the girl has some bad abandonment issues because of her biological parents. and therefore pushes away the people who truly care about her. this also makes her really lonely, leaving her to be almost depressed. she’s truly a mess for someone who seems to have it all figured out. 

alright, this the end of my long ass intro. like dis up if u trynna plot. WE OO WE OOOOO.

[gregwhite]

GRATITUDE IN WRITING

Please pardon me for being the millionth person to bring up gratitude in LA this year. Gratitude is having something of a moment you might say. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but by the 10th time you see it used to sell green juice in Venice you start to get a little white person wary. But it makes me think about something crucial to sustaining a career in this or any industry.

Last night I was delighted to do a talk with a class of BU students* who are here doing a semester in various entertainment industry jobs while learning about how this town works and etc etc and I brought something up to them that I’d like to share here.

I finished college in 2006 and decided, being from Jersey, that I would get my start in New York before riding triumphant to LA. I had always been told, “if you want to work in TV, move to LA,” but that was too frightening to contemplate and so HA I thought. HA IN YOUR FACE. So NYC it was**. I got a job as a page at Letterman, and when that ended I was a temp at HBO, and when that ended (after a day) I got a job as a prep cook/PA on a PBS cooking show (which was pretty outstanding) and when that ended I got a job in my friend’s wine store in Tappan, NY, the Grape d’Vine (currently relocated to Sparkill, NY). Also I was unemployed a lot. 

And when you’re ambitious and also uncertain about the path forward, the only boot in the ass you need is the one that comes with being unemployed a year out of college, living in your childhood bedroom (it’s a great bedroom actually), while your little sister finishes college up in Boston and your other friends move into the city. (It also compels you to write a lot.) So it was with that in mind that I moved here in January of 2008. 

So back to gratitude. I won’t go into the whole thing now, but basically, during the year and change I was living at home in NJ before I moved here, my rule was (I like rules) that I had to email 10 BU alumni every day asking them if I could buy them a coffee (if they were in NY) to talk to them about how they got their start and if they were in LA, if I could just give them a call and talk to them. So people are generally really nice and open and happy to share their experiences (aka talk about themselves) and by the time I made the very scary move to LA, I had actually amassed a nice little group of contacts who said that if I ever moved to LA, they would be happy to meet with me. 

And in this way, I ended up meeting with fancy writers, and network execs, and studio heads and all kinds of people. And one of them was a BU alum named Debbie Liebling, and she was very encouraging and sweet (and even let me pitch a feature to her, which was a DISASTER because I figured I could just wing it in the room...it still makes me nauseous to think of that) and at the end of our meeting, she mentioned another friend of hers from her time at Comedy Central named Zoe Friedman. I met up with Zoe at her office at Comedy Central and we had a memorably enjoyable conversation about what I hoped to do, and our time on the east coast (she was a New Yorker), and before long a friendship developed, one that I was and still am very grateful for in its openness and kindness. 

At the same time I was doing a bunch of random jobs as one does in their early days of LA. I was a PA on a Comedy Central show called Lil Bush, run by a very nice man (and BU alum) named Donick Cary, and I was, most depressingly, a temp at Sony filing legal affairs paperwork, which meant that I would spend by mornings writing scripts I wasn’t sure anyone would ever read, go to work filing PILOT DEAL PAPERWORK FROM FANCY WRITERS, and then go home and continue writing. It was frustrating in one sense, but also highly motivating, and I think in that first year in LA, I must have written 10 pilots.

Anyway, this is getting long, which was not my intention. 

Long story short, I end up working for Zoe’s dad Budd, legendary founder of the Improv, and thank god for that job because I needed one (again, thank you Zoe). The job was basically helping Budd book acts for the Improv’s casino sites, and while booking comics wasn’t my goal in moving to LA, it was fun, put me in touch with some very lively characters, and also allowed me time to write during quiet spells throughout the day. It was during my time working for Budd that I received an email from someone at Comedy Central informing me that a showrunner for a new show had read something of mine and wanted to meet and would I like to set up a time?

I had to read the email a few times, because (a) the words seemed Nigerian Prince levels of too good to be true, and (b) because these kinds of emails often have a weird subject format which looks like MTG TO SET: GREG WHITE WITH _____ and I assumed it was a spambot trying to get me to sign up for a credit card. I emailed back informing them that yes I would love to meet with the showrunner but um, let me just check my sched--okay, checked it, yeah anytime is fine. But I also asked how this guy had even gotten a script of mine, and the response was that Zoe had submitted a script on my behalf. One of those scripts I was writing at home in NJ after college.

So very long story short, I met with the showrunner, a fellow named David M Stern, and within a week I was writing on my first show as a real life TV writer. (Thanks, David.)

But the point of this is gratitude. Nobody anywhere is self-made. Sure, you work hard and you hope to get a shot, but like Obama said during the debates in 2012, “you didn’t build that.” If you have a trucking company, guess what, you benefit from the public works programs that built the highways that allow you to run your company. And if you’re a writer, there are a million gatekeepers and the walls are way too high to jump over on your own. You need help. That isn’t to say this isn’t a meritocratic town, because to an extent it is, and so if you keep working and writing and trying to get your stuff in front of people, eventually something will fall your way because you refuse to stop until that something does, but...you’re not self-made. And realizing this is the key to sustaining a happy and healthy and productive career (and life) in the arts. You are a product of everyone who has ever said something encouraging, or given you an idea, or played you a song, or made a phone call on your behalf. Your career is a balance sheet on the amount of kindness you’ve received, whether it was deserved or not. And the way you can try and deserve that kindness, is by not being a dick about it. Acknowledge that, and you’ll be very glad you did.  

Let’s just consider this for a second. David had gotten a show to series, itself a small miracle. And he had read probably hundreds of scripts and certainly wasn’t asking for Zoe to send him one from some random guy from New Jersey. And it’s not like Zoe needed to submit me. And it wasn’t like David needed to even bother reading me. And that he liked it? And wanted to meet with me? And hire me? Consider all of the things that had to happen for me to get my first job, a foot in the door. Such tiny odds. Now, if you’re an insane person you go, YES THE ODDS WERE SMALL AND I VANQUISHED THEM! But if you’re a normal functioning human, you go, Jesus God, that almost didn’t happen, and hug the things you’re grateful for a little tighter and whisper THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU (just don’t do this on a bus or in public). Seriously, consider that. The good things in your life almost didn’t happen, and it is basically just weird luck that it did. Be grateful for the random accounting error that is your life. In fact, consider anything you love in life...and now consider that thing removed from your life. Kinda sucks, right? Exactly. You fall into a routine and you complain about something dumb and you forget about the fact that your entire life is pretty much full of glorious things that, taken on their own in a vacuum, appear to be miracles. But taken collectively they become the things most people don’t even look at. (Not to get all Pete Holmes-meets-Eliza here, but seriously. Don’t forget how lucky you are to be alive right now.)

I called Zoe to thank her the day I got that email, and I called her to thank her when I met with David, and I called her to thank her when I got the job, and I called her to thank her when I got my second job, and to this day, I still email her when something goes my way. Sold a pilot? Thank Zoe. Wrapped season 2 on a show? Thank Zoe. And not only Zoe, but my high school film teacher for showing me this was a thing I could do and was good at. And my mom and dad. And the friend who invited me to join the writers workshop when I first moved out here. And so on. And more than just this being the right way to live, it also feels really good. Your gratitude connects you to these people and reminds you that you’re never alone, that you carry in your body all the good things that ever happened to you and the more you acknowledge those good things, the more they stay alive. And of course, if ever you see yourself ten years ago in a newly-arrived LA human, you do what you can do show them kindness because in the end, nobody wins unless everybody wins.

So I guess my point is, whether you’re just starting out or many years into a career, you’ve got someone to be grateful for, and I hope you let them know it. It’ll make you a better person, and that will make you a better writer. 

*I also went to BU, class of 06, but did not do this LA program as (a) it seemed insane to pay a semester of college tuition to come intern and (b) I REALLY love Boston and (b) I REALLY liked being in college and taking classes. They told me I couldn’t take more than 5 per semester, so I just started showing up to classes I wasn’t enrolled in and waited for someone to kick me out. They never did. Goddamn, I loved being a full-time student. I always say that if I ever become grossly wealthy I’m going to grad school to get a masters degree in something useless. Basically for me college was going to lectures and talks and film screenings and making our late night talk show with my friends. Actually, it’s not very different from my life now, only I own more kettlebells. 

**It was not glamorous per se. I would take the bus from Harrington Park NJ to the Port Authority daily and then back. Gross. But NYC is lovely in the fall and spring and a nightmare in the winter and summer and I loved working there, even if it was as a page for $270 a week. 

[askmyboys]

Anthony and Grayson

Warning before you read! TWs: nothing directly is mentioned but i will say there’s heavy undertones of some kinda physical abuse, death mentioned as well, alcohol mentions, panic/anxiety attack mentions, and tbh deep topics n bad shit in general so if any of this kinda stuff bothers you i don’t recommend reading bout em

The lads are NOT alright here :/

| Names: Anthony and Grayson

| Nicknames: Ant/Anth (there is a certain thing he could be called but, you might trigger something for him then but aha I’ll go ahead n drop what it was… ‘My precious little flower’) and for Grayson, they only have one nickname people could call them, its Gray ofc- but there was o n e particular person that called them Grays but now that brings up b a d memories and r e g r e t s :)

| Gender: Anthony goes by he/him and they/them! and Grayson just goes by he/him

| Ages: Both their ages are N/A

| Heights: Anthony is 5’3” and Grayson is 6’7”

| Species/Race: Anthony’s a human and technically Grayson is but he’s got superhuman powers, he- well, Gray would NEVER call himself a superhero again not after the horrible thing he did ...but I won’t spoil what that is yet

| Occupation: Anthony actually owns a flower shop in the Luxport City and Grayson is technically unemployed but trust me- in his days of superheroing he made a good enough amount to not worry.

| Hair Colors: Ant’s hair is an auburn color and it’s a very messy curly undercut and Grayson dyed his hair black and it’s a mess- more messy than Ant’s ever could be- its like he barely combs it (its curly but god its a r a t nest of hair)

| Eye Colors: Anth’s left eye is a light and soft brown color meanwhile the right eye is clouded over, he can’t see too much out of that eye so he usually wears an eyepatch with a sunflower for the design on it and Grayson’s eye color used to be a near legit Sparkling Sapphire Blue but now its just dull and ironically enough gray (he’s also got REALLY bad dark circles under his eyes as well as them being pretty damn bloodshot like he barely sleeps anymore)

| Skin Colors/Body Types: Ant is extremely pale- like GHOSTLY pale actually, he looks fucking d e a d in that regard- he’s also pretty skinny too- not to the point where it looks like its harmful but he’s just a skinny lad- and Grayson’s pale too but not AS bad as Ant is and his body type is fairly average- no muscular body or anything really, just, average.

| Appearances: Before I get into details, Ant doesn’t really have a circle beard while Grayson does- alrighty- so let’s start off with good ol’ Anthony! He wears a long sleeved yellow and white striped sweater along with yellow pajama pants that have MANY flower designs over it, he wears blue jean overalls with a Coreopsis flower design on the pocket in the middle, he also wears light up yellow and white sneakers with flower designs all over it as well, he has a good few scars but most of them are covered by his clothes BUT…

There are two special markings that always seems new- it never fades- it’s ALWAYS that god awful red color- One over his right eye and then one on the right side of his cheek, it's in the shape of a fist actually but Ant seems to have no memory of it whatsoever, he doesn’t even seem bothered by it- it doesn’t hurt him, hell- he doesn’t even know what the mark is anyways! So it doesn’t matter! If it doesn’t hurt him or cause him any trouble/health issues then it's whatever! Another thing he has, he has a bandaid over the bridge of his nose- ofc its yellow and has all kinds of flower designs on it and even though most of his other non prominent scars/markings are hidden by his clothing just for another smaller detail- he has a LOT of those bandaids over them actually, he likes the feeling of bandaids in general, it feels comforting to him.

| Personality: Grayson used to be pretty strict, righteous, stern, and all those fun things- He used to be everything a Hero SHOULD be both inside and out, and even though he was pretty strict and stern with a lot of things he still had an aura of sweetness, kindness, caring, and compassion to him, he used to be so protective of everyone- There wasn’t a mean bone in his body to be honest even if sometimes his strictness and stern attitude could make him seem a bit harsh- he tried not to be TOO bad, he really did actually- He never wanted anyone to be afraid of him and he still doesn’t- but now? His attitude has changed entirely, he’s not strict nor stern nor even righteous anymore- He’s not a fucking hero, don’t even DARE call him that anymore- Nobody but him knows what happened that night… As of now he’s MUCH more reserved and quiet, not caring about anything/anyone ESPECIALLY not himself, he doesn’t even take good care of himself anymore, he’s very obviously depressed, anxious like ALL the time, hasn’t slept good in god knows how long.

He looks like he’s even haunted by something actually, he hardly EVER leaves his own home or well- might as well call it a Lair, and call him a Villain at this point- He fucking HATES himself entirely inside and outside and wishes he could just disappear and not exist anymore, he hates that people still remember him being a Hero, even though he hasn’t done anything heroic in a long time- The people still thank him, they still love him, and he h a t e s it- he wishes they’d hate HIM too… He has a pretty bad drinking problem as well too, drinking is the only way he can get to sleep at night anymore, it’s either that or on the WORST of nights he needs something like Melatonin to help him pass out, crying himself to sleep never helps anymore he’s worn that out- People do still worry about him too- but he always tells them it's nothing to worry themselves about (the reason people still love n cherish him, he did specify he was retiring and there are other heroes out there to defend them, they won’t hold no ill will against him ...Well, unless they find out his dirty little secrets eheh…)

Finally, Grayson can be VERY defensive and hostile sounding toward certain topics, if certain words are mentioned, etc- but only hostile with words/empty threats, he’ll never raise his fist again unless it’s toward himself…  it's best to just leave him alone ...and let him r o t…

Now onto Anthony! Anthony was and always will be a sweet summer child (he is an adult tho, they both are I’m just piss poor at Math and cant figure out proper ages n dumb shit) he’s got a heart of pure gold, he’s caring, kind, as sweet as can be, loving, and childish- now his childish nature can be both a pro and a con (must’ve been a con for Grays then h u h? ...Oops, I'm saying too much now but at this point I’m fairly certain you can piece together that they're tied in with each other somehow) his naivety and gullibleness can get him into serious trouble if he’s not careful… Ant hates it when someone gets angry at him or yells at him he starts going into a panic but that’s not what REALLY gets a panic/anxiety attack going for him, now if somebody raised their fist at him that’s when he literally screams bloody murder and he’ll probs trip and fall back into the nearest corner he can he’s NEVER a loud person, always soft spoken and so kind sounding but in this situation he’s screaming so loudly- screaming apologies and a name he doesn’t even know (he doesn’t know a person named that particular name! Or maybe its just his memory but i’ll get to that in a second)

He’ll scream and scream until his throat gets so raw and sore or his voice LITERALLY gives out on him and even then at that point he’ll probably faint, beforehand though- if he hasn’t fainted- (even if his voice winds up giving out) he’ll start flailing if the person who raised their fist at him starts coming closer, he’ll flail just to make sure he can keep them away- The next day though after he sleeps, he seems fine- he doesn’t even seem like he remembers that or anything that happened, maybe it’s him blocking it from his memory (lemme say, the lil accident that happened oh so long ago, he didn’t block it out himself, it was FORCED out of his head) he does seem to claim he has bad memory with certain things but he’s confident with his names and people he knows, he never forgets a face that comes into his life! (...or so he thinks) honestly? If you ask me personally, granted, I AM the creator of these boys- it’s best if he doesn’t EVER remember, with how he reacts to something as I stated back up there, god knows what’ll happen if he EVER gets that tossed back into his memory.

| Side Facts: Anthony’s a bit hard to really describe in the regards of life and death, it's like he’s in the mixture of both- except minus anything zombie like- no god awful smell of death, no decay on his body or anything exposed- just his skin being a deathly pale color but nobody seems to really question it- So I really can’t say he’s dead nor alive, he’s literally in the middle of both- He just doesn’t even know it, he’s just living normally really- Running his precious little flow- … His flower shop, he LOVES flowers- he always had back when, well- ya know- And before the accident happened as well- (I’ve decided I’m not explaining that in full detail yet, I really wanna write that story out actually, but uh anyone who ACTUALLY wants is free to theorize) Anthony loves all flowers really but if he had to pick, his top three favorites would be: The Bittersweet flower, Daisies, and finally ironically enough Forget-Me-Not flowers.

Working with flowers and everything plant wise in general really helps him feel at ease because even though I didn’t mention it, deep down he can get kinda stressed a lil easily, he does feel anxious a lot and he doesn’t even know why, sometimes anxiety just hits him like a brick but just gently running his fingers over a flower or plant seems to help keep him grounded.

He also loves music as well and he’ll sometimes sing to the plants and flowers, never for anybody else though- he’s too embarrassed to sing in front of anyone actual person, you know though, sometimes- even tho Ant can’t remember- sometimes he does feel something at the back of his mind, like there’s something important that he’s forgotten or forgetting- It’s why he sometimes writes his thoughts and certain things down but even then- Even when he’s done everything he wrote down, he still feels something but just doesn’t know what it is, and at this point he’s just learned to ignore it, whatever it is- surely if it was something THAT important he would have never forgotten in the first place.

I should also say Grayson doesn’t live in Luxport City anymore, ever since that one day he moved far away from there (so no, Gray n Ant have no contact and honestly, well- even tho Gray remembers Ant EXTREMELY well he doesn’t know he’s,, well… “alive” he doesn't know he’s walking around but it's for the best, these two should never come in contact with each other- god knows what’d happen) but now, Grayson- unlike Ant is HORRIBLY miserable likewise, he has nothing he does but sit in his den all day- he only goes out when ABSOLUTELY necessary- to buy some food or alcohol mostly, he doesn’t know why he buys himself food- he doesn’t deserve to eat anything- after all he DOES wanna rot away- his guilt and regret at this point is eating away at him- it’s probably going to be his downfall one day tbh.

Even though he does want everyone to hate him or something like that, he DOESN’T… necessarily want them finding out the horrible truth, he doesn’t necessarily want his secret to be exposed, he’s so scared of it being found out ...but ya know, that’s ONE good thing I can say about Gray here, he doesn’t keep trying to uphold a hero act, he doesn’t keep trying to be a hero- he coulda just went on and continued trying to be righteous and teach right from wrongs, etc- He coulda kept being a Hero but he hasn’t, and he fucking hates that word being used to describe himself, so that’s one nice thing and the only nice thing I can say about him.

[helloelizabethsmithposts]

Whitney Houston - I Have Nothing (Official Video){MY VERY ULTIMATE EVERLASTING OF ALL OF YOUR CREATION YOUR OH SO VERY BEAUTIFUL ,HOLY,MIGHTY,AND VERY LOVING ANCIENT OF DAYS HEAR MY PETITION THIS VERY NIGHT, I ELIZABETH LENORE SMITH, WILL DECIDE TO SAY I CAN'T TELL PEOPLE, WHAT COUNTRY I WAS BORN IN, CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE ANYMORE, ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS DAMN MONEY, THIS VERY THING YOU ALL, MORE THEN HIS MAJESTY YOUR SELFISHNESS, LOVING ONLY YOURSELVES WILL BE YOUR VERY DOWNFALL, AND WE WON'T CARE, BECAUSE YOU ALL TURNED YOUR BACK ON LORD GOD ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF HEAVEN , AND THE EARTH, MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO REALLY SHOWED THEY WHERE YOURS, YOU STUPID DUMMIES ONLY GOD'S TRUE KIDS CALL ON JEHOVAH, YOU ALL GOT PAID, OFF OF MY VERY DEAR PRECIOUS FAMILY, SANDRIKA,2PAC,AALIYAH,WHITNEY, LIL DIRTY B, THEIR VERY OWN TALENTS, SHOWED THEY WHERE ORIGINAL, BUT MARK IT THIS VERY NIGHT, YOU ALL AND YOUR DAMN COVETING ASS WAYS WILL PAY THE ULTIMATE PENALTY OF HATING MY FAMILY, CAUSE YOU ALL COWARDLY SET THEM UP, AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW IT, CAUSE THEY NEVER EXPECTED YOU ALL TO BETRAY THEM UNDER THEIR OWN NOISES, THIS IS WHY ABEOJI MY FATHER'S ANGER IS SO VERY DREADFUL FEELING, HE IS SO ANGRY AT YALL, YOU ALL ARE TOO BLIND AND STUPID TO EVEN KNOW HE GOT YOU ALL IN DERISION, AND YOU ALL ARE VERY CONFUSED BECAUSE YOUR TRICKS, DON'T YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS QUESTIONED IN THAT SAME VERY YEAR, ALL OF THIS TREACHERY BEGIN IN 2001, ABOUT WHAT I WOULD DO TO A WITCH, I TOLD HIM I WOULD BURN IT AND IT'S BROOM, BACK THEN, BUT NOW I FEEL TOTALLY LIKE FATHER HOW A LITTLE UGLY, FUNKY DEVIOUS, AND MISCHEVIOUS UNEMPLOYED FALLEN CHERIUB WAS KICKED OUT OF HEAVEN, OH HALLELUJAH, OH TESTIFY I CAN SHOUT ABOUT THIS THAT DAMN DODO FLY, MY LORD AND SAVIOR KING OF GLORY JESUS CHRIST, SAID HE BEHOLD, AND SAW SATAO{THAT FATHER OF LIES}FALL LIKE LIGHTNING FROM HEAVEN.... GODHEAD=EL ELYON KNOWS I HATE HIS NAME AND HIS KIND SO, BASICALLY YOU ALL WILL PAY FOR THIS BONDAGE ALL OF THESE YEARS, THOSE DAMN WICKED ASS TWINS OPRESSION, AND DEPRESSION, TRICKED YALL IN AGREEING TO THESE SICKNESSES, BUT ME I NEVER CLAIMED IT, OR AGREED TO THIS LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. YOU ALL LITERALLY FALSIFIED OUR DOCUMENTS, AND MEDICAL RECORDS, CAUGHT YOUR DAMN CRIMINAL ASS, WHEN YOU PUT THAT DAMN STATUS UNDER MY NAME IN 2016, HOSPITAL EVENT, AND DAMN NEAR CLAIMED YOU ALL DIDN'T KNOW WHY I BECAME THIS WAY, WHEN YOU ALL WORKED ME 8 DAYS STRAIGHT AFTER, I RETURNED BACK FROM VACATION, YOU ALL WILL PAY EVERYTHING FOR MY TOOTHS BEING BROKEN ALSO IN THESE HOSPITAL'S ALL 4 TIMES, WITH THOSE DAMN SNEAKY CHILDREN OF THE MOON! YOU ALL KNEW WHAT YOU DID, AND STILL LIED ON ME IN FEB 2008, DEC 2010,MARCH 2011, AND JULY 2016, THESE 4 TIMES I EXPERIENCED WHAT YOU BASTARDS DID TO MY DAD AND BROTHER IN THOSE HOSPITAL, I REQUESTED FATHER GOD TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY THEIR PAIN FELT SO OVERBEARING THROUGH THE YEARS, I REALIZED YOU ALL ACTUALLY EXPERIMENTED ON MY VERY, DEAR, PRECIOUS LOVE ONES, LIKE YOU ALL DID TO ME THINKING I WAS OUT OF IT, HELL NO I WASN'T I WAS TELLING GOD EVERYTHING YALL, DID TO ME, CAUSE I SAID I REMEMBER, WHEN THEY SAID THE LORD CALLED THEM BEFORE 2000, AND LOOKY, LOOKY, LOOKY, IT WAS SHEAR DECEPTION YOU ALL HIDE BEHIND MY FATHER'S TRUE NAME, I'M THAT QUEEN YOU ALL ARROGANTLY STARED US DOWN WHILE WE WHERE UP IN THE BALCONY, AND SEARCHED OUT ALL OF YOUR CHURCHES THESE, YEARS TO DISCERN, WHO LITERALLY WAS A FAKE PROPHET, & FAKE PROPHETESS !!!! YOUR SIN IS SO VERY DEEP, MY ELDER BROTHER JESUS CHRIST SPOKE ON THESE THINGS, IF YOUR EYES WOULD HAVE YOU TO LUST PLUCK IT OUT, AND SO ON IF ANYTHING CAUSED YOU TO ASTRAY YOU ALL WAS SUPPOSE TO FIX THIS CHOICE, BUT LOOKS LIKE ITS TOO LATE!!!! JUST LIKE YOU ALL USED ME FOR MONEY, I USED YOU DUMMIES TO STALL FOR ME TO MASTER ALL OF MY GIFTS AND TALENT'S WITH THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, THE GOD OF ISAAC, AND THE GOD OF JACOB HELP, OH YEAH, THOSE I ENCOUNTERED YALL TRIFLED WITH THEY WHERE LAUGHING, WE PIMPED OUR ENEMIES, THEIR ANGELS TOO, SO WE FOOLED ALL OF THE FOOLS SIS, I NEVER KNEW YOU WENT THROUGH THE SAME THINGS, I WENT THROUGH, I JUST KNEW YOUR MUSIC, ALWAYS MADE ME SMILE, AND LAUGH TO DRY UP MY TEARS AALIYAH, YOU WHERE QUITE THE OTHER QUEEN THAT HAD CLASS, STYLE, AND RIGHTEOUSNESS IN THE MIND AND HEART MY DEAR PRECIOUS SIS, THANKS FOR THE CLUE ABOUT MY BOAZ PARTNER HE IS QUITE THE MAN AMONG MEN, HE'S JUST WHAT I PRAYED TO GOD FOR ALL OF THESE YEARS, HEAARING YOUR PRAYERS IN THAT SAME VERY 2014 WHEN MY OTHER TRUE PARTNERS LEFT, AND RETURNED TO FATHER, CAUSE OF THOSE DAMN FAKES, ANOTHER SNEAKY UNDERHANDED TACTIC!!!! BUT NEVERTHELESS GIRL, HE'S VERY, VERY, VERY, BLESSED, AND HIGHLY FAVORED WITH GOD AND MAN, CHILD THIS BOAZ MAN GIRL, HE GOT THOSE SKILLS, LIKE YOUR HUSBAND, I MEAN LITERALLY THE PRAYERS, TOUCH HEAVEN AND MY HEART. OH LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH SEE, I PATIENTLY OBEYED AND WAITED FOR THIS HOLY, RIGHTEOUS BOAZ MR. PATIENT ONE, HOPEFULLY YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME TO SEE THIS, BUT I REALLY DO THANK GOD FOR YOU, EACH AND EVERY SECOND, MINUTE, AND HOUR OF THE DAY BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARTNER AND OF COURSE ME BEING THE KIND OF WOMAN I AM, I WILL PRAY FOR ANYTIME OF THE DAY JUST TO REMIND YOU, I LOVE YOU OH SO VERY  MUCH, BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD ME, WHEN OTHERS MADE THINGS MORE HARDER ON ME, FOR MORE MONEY, THAT'S WHY YOUR TRIFLING DAMN PLAN WAS BROUGHT TO A NOUGHT INSTANTLY , GOD SENT THOSE DAMN THINGS STRAIGHT BACK TO HELL, FROM WHERE THEY CAME FROM!!!! LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL, HE TOLD ME PERSONALLY I WAS PRECIOUS TO HIM[GODHEAD ADONAI HIS MAJESTY SAID HE WOULD GIVE MEN FOR MY LIFE, AND ALSO THAT HE WOULD CONFOUND YOU, BRING YOU TO A NOUGHT, AND THAT I WILL LOOK AND SEE YOU ALL NO MORE!!!! OH HALLELUJAH, GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST OF PRAISE JOINING BOAZ AND I TOGETHER, JESUS CHRIST SAID WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER, WOOOOOOO WEEEEEEE, A LOT OF FOOLS OR INFIDELS ARE GOING TO STRAIGHT HELL ON A FIRST CLASS TRAIN TICKET, CAUSE ABEOJI, (FATHER GOD THEY HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY, VERY, AND VERY LOW DOWN TO ME JUST BECAUSE, WE MET EACH OTHER ON THAT VERY SPECIFIC DAY!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I TELL ON ANY DAMN ENEMY, NOW I'M TIRED OF YALL NO SENSE HAVING ASS, DON'T GET IN NO POSITION LIKE MANAGEMENT OR INTO THE TOP POSITIONS IN ANY CORPORATION, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE SELF-CONTROL OVER YOURSELF IN KNOWING HOW TO TALK TO A PERSON, AND ASK FOR HELP THE RIGHT WAY! I WASN'T THE ONE WHO MADE THESE DAMN COMPANIES, AND PEOPLE INTO IDOLS, ACTING LIKE YOU ALL SO VERY IMPORTANT WHEN YOU ALL IS SO VERY STUPID!!!! DOG ON STRAIGHT, THIS LITTLE HOME GIRL GOD FREED, JUST TO GET YALL WICKED BLACK ASS BACK, AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW BLAME YOUR VERY OWN MEXICAN, & AFRICAN KIND THAT SNEAKED  OVER HEAR WITHOUT TRUE CERTIFIED DOCUMENTATION, HEY EVERYBODY ALL OVER THE WORLD, I'M TIRED OF THESE WICKED BASTARDS MAKING US LOOKING BAD WHEN WE HAVE BEEN, SINCERE IN DOING THINGS THE RIGHT WAY, WHILE THEY HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS THE WRONG WAY ALL OF THEIR LIVES!!!! I'M TELLING GOD ON THIS TREACHEROUS CRAP, TRAP THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS AND LUDACRIS, THIS IS INDEED BLASPHEMY....             THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER GOD, CAUSE PEOPLE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT YOU ARE GOING TO BLAST THEIR DUMBASS STRAIGHT TO HELL JUST FOR YOU, FOR MESSING WITH YOUR ANOINTED  HAND PICKED PEOPLE.... OH I FEEL SO VERY GOOD THIS YEAR, IS LOOKING VERY LOVELY, I CAN WRITE, DESIGN, AND EVEN COME UP WITH NEW SONGS JUST FOR YOU MY KING OF GLORY!!!! THANK YOU OH SO VERY, MUCH FOR TEACHING ME EACH AND EVERYDAY, THAT LOVE{GOD} IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN ANYTHING, IN THIS WORLD... BLESS BOAZ WITH EVERYTHING HIS HEART TRULY DESIRE'S MY KING MAKE, EVERYTHING, AND EVERYDAY VERY LIGHT AND EASY DAYS, WITH THE HEDGE OF PROTECTION OF GOD'S GLORY PROTECTING HIM{BOAZ} EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE, AND EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY, HE DON'T HAVE TO STRIVE WITH THESE DUMMIES NO MORE NEITHER MY KING, THANK YOU OH HEAVENLY FATHER FOR DELIVERING US FROM THESE EGYPT PLACES, PEOPLE WHO IS TOO SLOTHFUL, LAZY, AND WASTEFUL TO MAKE THEIR WRONGS RIGHT! INSTEAD THEY GET EVEN MORE ARROGANT, PRIDEFUL, AND HAUGHTY, YOU ALL FED THAT DAMN SNAKE NATURE ON YOUR OWN CHOICE, THEN IT IS NOW ABOUT TIME WE SHOW YOU ALL SHOW YOUR KIND THAT, WHEN GOD SAYS DON'T DO SOMETHING DON'T YOUR DUMBASS DO IT, YOU ALL HAVE BEEN ON MY TURF SENSE THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR, AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT, ANY REQUEST I ASK FATHER GOD, HE GRANTS ME IT, NOT BECAUSE OF MONEY, BUT BECAUSE I SAW THROUGH THIS CRAP IN YOUTH CHURCH, THAT THOSE OTHER KIDS, THEIR PARENTS SPOILED THEM SO VERY MUCH, THAT THEY FREELY HAD BABIES IN LUST IN FUNK BASICALLY, BECAUSE IT WAS THE LOVE FOR FLESH INSTEAD OF LOVE FOR SPIRITUAL THINGS! GALATIANS 5, TOLD ME HOW YOU ALL SERIOUSLY HAS MASTERED THE SIDE OF DECEPTION THESE DAYS, THAT IS WHY, PEOPLE COULDN'T TELL THAT THIS TRAVELING PREACHER DIRECTOR OF MUSIC {LIZZY THE DAUGHTER OF GOD}, WAS GIVING YOU ALL HINTS THAT FATHER WILL REPAY THE WICKED TO THEIR FACE SINCE THEY DIDN'T REPENT, FOR BREAKING HIS KIDS HEARTS AROUND THE WORLD, WHO SAID WE ALWAYS HAD TO BE IN A CHURCH BUILDING TO SHOW FATHER GOD'S LOVE TO OTHER'S THIS IS HOW I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE REALLY NEGLECTED READING THE HOLY BIBLE, JUST FOR YOUR OWN CROOKED AMBITION OF WEALTH!!!!                                                                MY GOD, KING, AND SAVIOR, IT'S NOT RIGHT TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS WHEN, HONESTLY I AGREE WITH MY BIG SISTER BYNUM, ABOUT PRAISING YOU ALL THE TIME,                                          AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU DON'T OWE US NOTHING BUT STILL, YOU LOVE US, BY ALLOWING US THE ACCESS TO SEEK YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY, THOSE 3 VERY PRECIOUS MEN                                       HEARTS FINALLY REACHED OUT TO ME, AND HONESTLY THANK YOU ALL OH SO VERY DEARLY, I WONDERED FOR A LONG TIME, ABOUT SEEING AND HONESTLY KNOWING                                       BOAZ, BECAUSE I DID RUN INTO A LOT OF FOOLISH BOYS, REALLY WHO JUST SAID DUMB COMPLIMENTS, TO ME THINKING I WAS A HARLOT, YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW                                       CALLING ME THINGS I HATE, AND TELLING LIES TO MY FACE, AND ON ME JUST HEAPED COALS ON THIS FURY FOR ALL MY ENEMIES, I TOLD YOU THE SMITH'S ARE IN THE HOLY BIBLE                                     AND ARE IN THIS VERY CHAPTER ISAIAH CHAPTER 54!!!! YOU ALL MESSED WITH THE WRONG BABY GIRL, FAMILY I VALUED MY FAMILIES HAPPINESS MORE THAN MY OWN,                                     AS LONG AS THEY WHERE HAPPY I WAS HAPPY, BUT TO STRIKE MY DAD,BROTHER,AND SISTER  LIKE YOU ALL DID THROUGH YOUR YEARS THEY WHERE WITH ME AT THOSE TIMES.                                     I WASN'T PLAYING WITH NOBODY WHEN I SAID ONCE I FOUNDOUT, WHO TRULY CAUSED THE ASSAULT ON MY TWIN RIGHT UP UNDER MY NOSE, YOU ALL WAS GOING TO HAVE THE                                   ULTIMATE ELEMENTAL ATTACKS, THAT  ABEOJI FATHER GOD EVER MADE IN THIS EARTH, ON UP AND DOWN AND ALL THROUGHOUT YOUR TO FRO ASS, JAMES 1, TOLD                                    ME ABOUT THIS  VERY DOUBLE-MINDED, AND VERY UNSTABLE MINDED BEINGS/ WEEDS AND TARES THESE DAYS!!!! DON'T PITY YOUR ENEMIES YOU ALL, IT'S BEEN A LIE                                    YOU CAN'T LOVE BOTH LIKE OUR BROTHER JESUS CHRIST TOLD YOU ALL, YOU CAN'T SERVE 2 MASTERS! EITHER YOU ALL SERVE GOD OR MAMMOTH, THEIR                                    ARE DEADLY DECISIONS OF BETRAYING GOD FOR THAT WICKED BEAST. YOU BECAME IT'S CHILD ON YOUR OWN CHOICE, SO I WON'T MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR YOU ALL                                    BECAUSE YOU ALL LOVED THAT THING INSTEAD OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER GOD, I SEE WHY GOD DECIDED TO DO THE THINGS, HE DID THROUGH GENESIS TO REVELATION,                                    BECAUSE PEOPLE MINDS AND HEARTS, WHERE VERY WICKED!!!! OH DEAR BOAZ, THEY REALLY HAVE ANGERED HIM SO VERY MUCH, IT'S QUITE THE KIND OF THING                                   THAT REALLY GET YOU WANTING TO BOOK A FLIGHT FROM EVERYBODY, WHO WALKS IN DARKNESS{ NEGRO IS STATED AS BLACK IN SPANISH LANGUAGE} SO YOU                                  ALL FAKED EVERYTHING, TO GET PEOPLE TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU, PRETENDING AS IF YOU ALL ARE INNOCENT, SHOOT, I DIDN'T KNOW YALL WAS GOING TO LEAVE BOAZ AND                                   I WITH THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE, THE KID'S OF LIGHT ARE SCARED OF WHAT THE WORLD THINK OF THEM, WHILE THE KID'S OF DARK TALK TOO DAMN MUCH THESE DAYS!                                   ALL BECAUSE YOU ALL TRYING TO FIT IN, WITH EVERYBODY!!!! IF YOU HAVE TO BETRAY OWNER{GOD= LORD GOD ALMIGHTY} FOR A CREEP, THEN YOU JUST NEVER LOVED GOD AT ALL,                                  YOU JUST LIED!!!!     I PROMISE YOU THIS THOUGH MY KING, YOU ARE VERY TRULY GUARANTEED, BECAUSE YOU LOVED BOAZ AND I, AND KEPT US ALL OF THESE YEARS,                                   AND YOU CONTINUE TO KEEP US, WE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, AND KEEP YOU FIRST NO MATTER WHO DON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I CAN'T IMAGINE SEEING                                   YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW, KNOWING THAT THE VERY ONES YOU CREATED REVOLTED ON YOU, BECAUSE THEY LOVED THEIRSELVES MORE, THAN WORSHIPPING YOU                                    AND WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT THEY ARE USING THEIR MUSIC TO HINDER THE PEOPLE GROWTH IN DISCERNING WHO THEY ARE!!!! I TOLD YOU DUMMIES,                                   I WAS THE OLDER PROTECTOR OF MUSIC FOR FATHER GOD, JUST IN CASE, THOSE ADVERSARIES, STARTED TO GET ANXIOUS, BECAUSE THAT YOUNG KING AT THE AGE                                  OF 16, YOU ALL TOOK HIS INVENTIONS, AND PUT YOUR NAMES ON MY DEAR BROTHERS INVENTIONS, HE WAS SO TROUBLED BY THAT, HE HAD ALREADY HAD RECIEVED                                 A CONCUSION, IN HIS YOUNGER YEARS,BECAUSE OF A WICKED ASS P.E TEACHER SLAMMED HIM UP AGAINST A LOCKER. THAT'S WHY I'VE ALWAYS HATED THOSE TEACHERS                                 WHO WHERE WICKED, CAUSE THEY LIED ON THE OBEDIENT CHILD, AND ALWAYS FAVORED THE WICKED CHILDREN! AND OH YEAH, MY DAD'S TRIFLING ASS JOB                                HE WORKED FOR WAS SO DAMN CHEAP AND WICKED THE MAIN CAPITAL HEAD BRANCH OF THE PLACE CALLED RIGHT AFTER MY DAD RETURNED BACK TO HEAVEN THEY                                MADE A CALL TO THE HOSPITAL TO MAKE SURE MY DAD LEFT ME, NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IF HE HAD A BABY, YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE COMPENSATED MY DADDY                                SEEING THAT ONE OF YOUR DAMN TRIFLING ASS EMPLOYEE'S DROPPED THE CONSTRUCTION BALL ON MY DAD'S HEAD WHILE HE WAS STILL A YOUNG TEENAGER,                                HE WAS A WALKING MIRACLE, BUT I LOVED THOSE 2 PRECIOUS HOLY MEN OF GOD, CAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED ME TO WORK UPUNDER                                BASTARDS LIKE YALL, JUST BECAUSE THEY KNEW I WOULD HELP ANOTHER RIGHTEOUS MAN AND WOMAN OF GOD, WITHOUT ANY QUESTION!  SO DON'T ACT                               AS IF YOU ALL KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT BOAZ OR I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IN THIS WORLD DEALING WITH UPHOLDING RIGHTEOUSNESS, WHILE PUTTING THESE                                WICKED TARES, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!! I DON'T CARE WHO IN THE HELL GAVE YALL TALK SHOWS, OR WHATEVER, I SUGGEST YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF OF OUR                                   LIFE STORIES, CAUSE YOU ALL DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING!!!! TRY ME IF YOU WANT TOO, YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU EVER BLASPHEMED MY FATHER GOD NAME!!!!                                         THIS IS NOT A THREAT, AND UNLIKE YALL I DON'T DEAL WITH TERRIOTS, YOU ALL ARE WORSE THAN ANYTHING, CAUSE YOU USE THE SCRIPTURES,                                           TO HIDE HOW WICKED, YOU ALL HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE YEARS, BUT I'M VERY CERTAIN THIS YEAR WILL BE TOTALLY IN OUR FAVOR THIS YEAR!!!!                                                {CAUSE THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND DAILY, AND ALWAYS, FOREVER, AND EVERMORE, MY KING OF GLORY, THANK YOU AMEN, AND AMEN!!!!