#but also just the general - evrrything

[thotful-opinions4u]

the Jesus Christ guy + the song "Laughing With" by Regina Spektor

[a-smile-dat-spreads-like-buttah]

Aforementioned Mental Health Post

Hey, guys. Sorry. I have been struggling alot lately and haven't known what to do or where to go, I guess. My anxiety has been getting steadily worse, and in December my psychiatrist changed my adhd meds because she (very reasonably, really) thought the meds might be the cause, but it's been about a month now, and things are still getting worse. And on top of that, there has been so much shit happening that I can't keep up with the general anxiety, let alone all the other stuff.

Just to kinda explain the complexity, I guess, here's a little list: (under the read more; tw for family stress, mention of death, gun violence, domestic abuse, suicide, murder, alcoholism... please read cautiously and at your own risk)

-massive ongoing conflict at home leading up to Christmas. I had basically no time off and if I didn't do the Christmas decorating, nobody was going to. I was drowning, but I wasn't doing enough. I will say, tidiness is hard when I'm on a good adhd med, so it had gone berserk, but it was worse because I was drowning and I had no time off. Christmas is one of my actual favorite holidays, and I got tired of it and wanted it over with.

-My sister found out a best friend of hers died while we were hanging out one day. I was at a loss because it's my family job to fix things and she was so heartbroken, obviously, and I couldn't help or do anything. Then she found out that this friend was shot, and either was murdered by her abusive fiancee or comitted suicide.

-The above then caused my mom to relive the trauma of losing HER best friend in a car wreck before we were born. She drinks alot already, but started drinking more, and tries to help by talking about her experiences, which makes things feel like a suffering contest, but my sister is already drowning in her own feelings, so I've been trying to support my sister, but also my mom so she'll stop making things harder for my sister.

-My boss wasn't posting schedules like he's supposed to, and then we find out that WHOOPS BOSS HAS BEEN FORCIBLY EJECTED FROM THE STORE so we now have the fourth new boss that we've had in the one year seven months that I've been here. And old boss' last day was a couple days before New Year's, so it was INSANE.

-I've been struggling with gender, still, and trying to figure things out, especially as I look into going into theatre, where I'm still not sure I have a chance.

-I'm misgendered constantly at work, and if I'm at work, I'm already panicky and overwhelmed but I can't talk to anybody about it. And when I do, they say "oh you only have x amount of time left, then it will be over", but it's never over. It doesn't stop unless I'm asleep.

-At least three of my favorite coworkers (and very good friends) have said that they are considering leaving, ajd one of them, bless her, mentioned dropping evrrything and moving across the country. (I know she has to do what she has to do and all I want is for her to be safe and happy, but I'm so tired of losing friends.)

-And I'm sure there's more, but my break is over. I don't know who to talk to. I DO have a wonderful therapist and a psychiatrist, with whom I have an appointment Monday. I don't feel comfortable (or safe) talking with my parents about things. My sister is drowning in her own problems 45 minutes away and I'm worried as hell about her. And I just feel like I'm bothering everyone.

But I promise I'm trying. And I will keep trying. I'm not going anywhere or anything. But that's what's been going on. Sorry for the length of the post.

[kusundei]

aside from that i keep feeling this weird. generalized insecurity. appearance wise.? ive never teally considered my appearance ever since like 7th gradei dont think. but its slightly. affecting me. i dotn knoe why im being insecure? ant why now??? maybe its the thing where i dont feel like i am. attractive perchance. it keeps aidinf into the thing of like. he likes me??? maybe its because i think hes so pretty to me. appearance was never truly an aspect in my eyes but hes just so gorgeous jt neger leaves my mind. perhaps im insecure ab that. and perhaps im neber truly going to beat the ed allegations because mayhe i am focusing on my weight agajn slightly. im trying to fight it i swear, it jsut pops into my head and i fuck myself over by checking my weight every so often. as slightly upset as i was over my mom starting to lock her door (half of it affecting me as in . the conversation i pverheard that day that ruined my relationship eith my mom for the second time, or the other half where i just cant weigh myself) its so odd. perhaps my lhpne too. the horrible camera quality?? idk. just feeling veey odd lately. like i am the ugliest person pn the planetfor no reason but i dont believe anyone is truly ugly. its just so. odd.? its not even a dysphoria thing thjs tjme its jhst. me. me hating myself again for no reason. god forbid im too insecure,,

its just like. god. i want to be evrrything for him. i cant truly elaborate nor explain how truly infatuated i am with him. fhe shit id sacrifice. how i want to spend truly every moent eith him. how id drop anything and everythint in a heart beat to just be there. but then i feel so selfish. i feel like too much and j feel insecure and i cant fight the feeling. its horrible rifht now because im jist. laying here. in his hoodie. typing. listening to my tweaking playlist but not crying anymore. i just. want to be there. as selfish as it sounds i just want to be there right now because i want to hug him. i want him to tell me ill be okay and im not selfish or a burden. that im okay to feel things. that i can be vulnerable with him and id truly believe it without a doubt in my mind. to just cry. and feel it. to be treated with a gentleness ive never experienced before. to be comfortable. he fills me with a comfort ive never felt before yet im so scared to embrace it whole heartedly. im afraid. im always so scared and im sick of it, but i cant stop feeling that way. to trust him as blindly as i did with jd because i know he truly cares im just. so scared pf driving him away.? god forbid i am truly selfish and horrible at my core , he just doesnt know it yet anf im scared to show that. scared to show who i am truly. but then i think ablut it and rationalize and realizd no im not horrible? but i keep going back and forth. its just so. tiring. i want to be there for him because i know . i know and i understand . and i want to only be there for him. to not have to burden him with me and my feelings but i also am just . a selfish person .

i know it poebablt doesnt sound very selfish truly i just. feel that way. anything i do for myself is so selfish to me. ive been selfish my whole life. called selfish when all ihe ever tried to do is be selfless and cate for others. tp put others first before everything. to not tale up space. to just be but to not truly exist. to impact people but not leave my footprints behind. to care but not to be loved. i am sick. i feel sick. i feel selfish. i just want to be able to feel things without condemning myself i think. fo leabe the insecurity behind and be pkay for you but im . so scared. sososo scared. its terrifying. i just. truly. i wishyoy were here. i wish you were but im also glad youre not. that youre not seeing me like this. as pathetic as i can get but i also want you to. i want you to help me, but not eben just help i just want you. i want you over and over again and i think this is as selfish as ill ever truly get. thag i want you this much. that it physically hurts me. i just am feeling so torn now. and so. so tired. inwant to cry but i cant. i want to cry in your arms but thats so selfish. i wish i could stop being such a selfish person perchance, but god forbid i just. need you. and god forbid youre texting me and telling me you love me truly and im jsjt. god. all i want sometimes (all the time) is to just bury my face into your neck. to feel your arms around me and to intertwine myself against you too. to take in every inch of you. to feel your heartbeat against mine - to pull back and have your touch and your smell still linger on me. to feel truly at peace despite how bad i can be sometimes. how selfish i am to want to be anything at all for you. to want you. to need you. but its all i can truly think about always

i feel fucking awful

no bcuz i dont know whatsbhappening. i felt it halfway during photography and i just assumed i ws really tired and i am but god. osmethjng horrible js happenjng . god forbid i am connected to my boyfriend and we r linked. doomed to tweak atthe same time. and i feel awful bcuz why do i feel so shit when he does too. and wby does my mom keep pesterjng me??? i come in to be lashed and j expected it but also like god fhckjng forbid i feel awful. leave me be. why are you lashing me? and why do u leep bringing yp joanthan? like yeah him bekng upset eill sway me but god i just fuckinf cant. and she forced me to eat and i feel horrible because i am so full. god flrbid i will never beat thjs. i am doomed to have such a horrible relatiknship with food and j am doomed to hurt over and over again and god why do i feel so sososoawful??? i need them to leave. they said they would for the ultrasound. i need them to go so i cantweak in peace and just. cry. i want to cry so bad as much as i hate saying jt cuz its so embarassing but god i neeed. to sob. or somethjng. tweaking (winter) playlist is playing anyway and i feel so awful i need to. maybe it really is jdjt be feeling really tired but i need thjs to go. i nedd it gone i sont want to fesl like this chat

[ilovyoungbam]

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[hawkswildfireheart]

Only thing that's kept me sane through Chicago with the fam was DPR Live and seeing Monsta X

[sempiternalailurophile]

I have discovered Tumblr and Black Butler this year ( I know i am late to evrrything). I have been enjoying both, everyone on this corner seems nice. However sometimes can't help feeling, i have walked into something with discourse argument. I ignore it ( though sometimes I avoid the main Black Butler tag, get pictures etc from my favourite blogs); but feel a bit sad, when hear that years ago, people cared less what you shipped etc. Wonder what brought things to this point.

Yeah, things used to be really different. I wasn't on tumblr back then, but I remember using other websites for fandom stuff around the time the Kuro anime came out in 2008 (ff.net, livejournal, etc) and it was very rare to see anything that would be recognizably "anti"-ish. There were people who didn't like sebaciel or who didn't like ships involving underage characters with adult characters, but it was almost always phrased as a personal preference and not an accusation that people who enjoy those ships are terrible people/criminals in real life. People also just didn't really discuss fictional character ages as much in general and there was a kind of unspoken acceptance/understanding of the fact that fictional character ages have no actual importance when it comes to real life people making decisions on what they want to ship.

It was so weird seeing things slowly change from like...idk, maybe 2012-2016? During those years I was either uninvolved in fandoms in general or was in other ones, but I think 2012 is when I started seeing anti-ish opinions being brought up more online. At that time people mostly just ignored those who felt that way, but as the years went on a larger and larger proportion of people in basically every fandom (though some quicker than others) started getting this idea that it was their right to police what other people can ship.

The type of ship wars that used to happen in The Old Days were exhausting and dumb, but they were so much less tiresome than anti nonsense and it's really disappointing that instead of people just arguing about why their preferred ship is the "best" ship, they jump right to making serious personal accusations about people they don't know based solely off of something like "person X ships ______ and that means they're a predator!"

I just want people to be able to ship in peace. 😔