#but also i know book fans and clarice fans probably would not love to journey with me

[wastrelwoods]

XII for the ask game :)

XII - What headcanon do you have that you've never shared, and probably couldn't explain if you tried?

HM HM I guess as far as esoteric and inexplicable it's less a headcanon per se and more of a pairing vibe. The notion is that I remembered one day the way Jodie Foster's queerness kind of bleeds through into her portrayal of Clarice Starling and combined that vague notion with the way I love to read queerness into Abigail Hobbs and. Well. In my head the version of Clarice who enters the TV canon might be closer to Abigail's age and they might have a yuri thing. Could mirror Will&Hannibal in some fun ways. Possibly also it was Will or Hannibal who killed Clarice's dad in this AU where NBC had the rights to this character and she's around. Just so they have something in common. I've spent time envisioning this and to me it's a real season 3 subplot except when I step back and remember I made that all up in my head.

[headcanons to sound off every hour ask meme]

[365days365movies]

March 1, 2021: The Hobbit (1977) (Part 1)

In a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit.

When I was 9, my school let us read a very special book, originally meant for kids, but beloved by everyone. My folks and I went to Borders Books (FUCK ME, I miss Borders), and we got an illustrated copy of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. I can’t find that book, but if I ever find it again, Imma buy it IMMEDIATELY, I tell you what. And...oh shit, it’s on Amazon for $12? 

Well. I just made that purchase, I guess. But yeah, I loved that book when I was a kid, and this was during the same year that Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy began, with Fellowship, of course. And I wouldn’t end up watching those until a few years later, but I loved those too when I saw them. And I’ve NEVER seen the abridged version, by the way, I’ve only ever seen the extended editions.

Although, I can’t call myself a hardcore fan. I’ve never read the Silmarillion, for example. Although, weirdly, I wanted it as a kid at some point, so I was almost there. But no, I ended up getting into comic books hardcore instead, so I can’t tell you the history of Tom Bombadil, but I can tell you about at least one of the fuckin’ 87 tieles that the Legion of Super-Heroes has been involved in. I’m not gonna like it though.

...Yes, I will, who am I kidding, I love the Legion. Anyway, I’ve still always been a fan of the franchise, and I was extremely excited when Jackson announced that he’d be doing an adaptation of The Hobbit! Seriously, I WAS FUCKING PUMPED, you have no idea. I re-read the book, I was super-excited...and then Harry Potter changed EVERYTHING. Kind of.

See, Harry Potter’s development as a two films made from one book seemed to kick off a trend. Breaking Dawn and Mockingjay are the two that immediately come to mind, as does this film. However, to be fair...that’s probably a coincidence. Yeah, this film was originally developed as two parts, WAY before Deathly Hallows got that treatment. And even then, Jackson and Del Toro had difficulty breaking it up into two parts, and three ended up being easier. Still...the change from two-to-three does feel a little connected to that trend.

Anyway, in celebration of that decision, I’m gonna break this review into three parts! Yes. Really. I want to see if it works. And so, let’s talk about the other most famous adaptation of this book by talking about its creators.

Yup. Rankin-Bass did 2D-animated cartoons, too! And this was one of their most famous ones, dating back to 1977. But wait! There’s more! This was followed by Ralph Bakshi’s version of Lord of the Rings by a different studio. You know, this one?

Yeah, that one. It was only based on the first two books, Fellowship and Towers. But it was technically unconnected to the Rankin-Bass version. Which is why it was REALLY weird when Rankin-Bass came out with an adaptation of the third book, Return of the King, right afterwards!

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. Because both of Rankin-Bass’ specials were animated by a Japanese studio called Topcraft, who’d actually worked with Rankin-Bass for years. But then, they went bankrupt a few years later, and was bought by Isao Takahata, Toshio Suzuki, and...Hayao Miyazaki. And it was renamed as...

So, this is a Hobbit adaptation produced by the Rudolph people and animated by the people who would eventually become Studio Ghibli. Well, uh...holy fucking shit. Let’s DO THIS BABY. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/3)

As we’re wont to do in this story, we head to Hobbiton in the Shire, where we meet Bilbo Baggins (Orson Bean). A simple Hobbit in a simple home, with a happy and simple life. But one day, he’s approached by Gandalf (John Huston), who seeks a burglar to help with the mission of a group of dwarves, led by Thorin Oakenshield (Hans Conried).

We also immediately start off with two songs from the original book, and I have to say that I like them a but better in the Jackson movies, but they’re still well performed here. Anyway, after dinner, the true goal of their quest is given. Beneath Lonely Mountain, the ancestral home of the Dwarves, there was a kingdom ruled by the King Under the Mountain, Thorin’s grandfather.

Through reading the lyrics of the song “Far over the Misty Mountains,” Thorin tells the tale of the takeover of the Dwarves’ great golden hoard by the dragon Smaug. Bilbo is tasked to help the Dwarves steal back the treasure stolen from them. And, while he’s extremely reluctant to be a part of all this, Gandalf basically forces him to, the pushy bastard. And Bilbo’s Greatest Adventure now lies ahead!

Speaking of, here’s the song “The Greatest Adventure”, sung by Glenn Yarborough, who is the living personification of vibrato. Fuckin’ seriously, this guy’s voice is ridiculous, but I love it so much. As the night passes underneath Glenn Yarborough’s hypnotically shaky voice, and uncertain, Bilbo stares out at the moon. Once it’s over, we’re on our way to the Misty Mountains.

Bilbo’s having a tough time with the long journey and rough weather, and it doesn’t get much better when they encounter a trio of trolls. They send out Bilbo to try and steal some mutton from them, but he’s IMMEDIATELY a failure, and also manages to tell the trolls that the dwarves are present. Nice one, Bilbo. The trolls catch all of the dwarves, although Bilbo manages to escape. 

The trolls argue about how to cook the dwarves, but before they get to do anything, Gandalf shows up and summons the dawn, turning the trolls into stone and saving the dwarves. While they’re initially quite frustrated by Bilbo’s failure, he makes it up by discovering a horde of goods and weapons stolen by the trolls. This is also where Bilbo gets his classic weapon, Sting.

Gandalf, cheeky bastard that he is, suddenly reveals a map that he’s kept secret from Thorin, its rightful owner. Bilbo, a classic cartomaniac, is able to interpret the map. But there are also runes that they can’t quite read. And so, Gandalf brings them to his friend, Elrond (), who’s wearing a sick-ass glittery tiara that’s hovering off his head. How come Hugo Weaving didn’t have that?

Anyway, Elrond identifies the swords that Thorin and Gandalf grabbed as Orcrist, the Goblin-Cleaver and Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, because FUCK YEAH, BABY, those are some fuckin’ NAMES! WHOOOOOO!

Anyway, he also points them in the direction of the mountain, and shows them hidden features to the map. They head through the mountains after this, and rest in a cave. Unfortunately, this cave is on Goblin territory, and the group (sans Gandalf, who’s disappeared to make out with Cate Blanchett or whatever) is quickly ambushed by a group of now-horned Goblins, who chant their song as they go “Down, Down, to Goblin-Town”. Which is a song that I love, unironically. It compels me to sing along.

The Goblins nearly kill them when they discover Orcrist in Thorin’s possession, but they’re saved by the sudden appearance of Gandalf with the glowing sword Glamdring. He kills the Great Goblin, and the group run out with the Goblins in hot pursuit. Well, except for Bilbo.

Yeah, Bilbo falls into a cavern below the mountain, and the dwarves think him gone for good. However, he’s miraculously safe on the ground, having landed in an underground aquifer, in which lives THE GREATEST CHARACTER IN THE MIDDLE-EARTH FRANCHISE FUCKIN’ AT ME I DARE YOU

And just so we’re clear, I’m not talking about the film version only, I’m talking about Gollum/Smeagol in general. Granted, I don’t want a film starring him or anything (coughCruellacoughcoughMaleficentcoughcoughClaricecoughcough), but I love this dissociative little dude so much. He’s one of my favorite fantasy characters in general, and is also maybe the best example of a sympathetic villain, in film at least.

OK, to be fair, I love Andy Serkis’ version of the character a LOT, like a LOT a lot, and it’s a great version of the character. OK, so what do I think of this version? He’s...interesting, actually. If I’m honest, I kinda like him. This is similar to how I always pictured Gollum when I was a kid.

I mean, listen to this description from the book, yeah?

Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum, a small slimy creature. I don't know where he came from, nor who or what he was. He was Gollum - as dark as darkness, except for two big round pale eyes in his thin face...He was looking out of his pale lamp-like eyes for blind fish, which he grabbed with his long fingers as quick as thinking.

I dunno, that does sound more like this version of Gollum to me, just saying. Anyway, while Gollum is off fishing in the water, Bilbo gets up on the shore, where he finds a little golden ring Not important, just a ring, definitely means nothing at all, NOTHING AT ALL, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

The hungry Gollum (Brother Theodore) happens upon Bilbo, precious, wonders if Bilbo would taste good, and is basically about to kill him for his sweet hobbit meat, before Bilbo takes out Sting. Now afraid, Gollum offers a game of riddles. The two make a deal: if Bilbo wins at a game of riddles, Gollum will show him the  way out. But if Gollum wins, precious will eat him raaaaaaaw and wrrrrrrrrrriggling!

The riddles commence, in a super-fuckin’-classic moment, and also ends with maybe the most bullshit moment in all of fantasy lore. After clever riddles with answers involving eggs, wind, and time, Bilbo’s last riddle is “What’s in my pocket?” The fuck, Bilbo, that’s absolute BULLSHIT!

Not that it matters. Bilbo wins, but Gollum goes to find his ring to show it to Bilbo before he takes him away. Thing is, though, that’s what was in Bilbo’s pocket, which Gollum quickly figures out, my precious. He’s about to kill Bilbo to get back his birthday present, precious, but Bilbo discovers the secret trick of the ring: it turns the wearer invisible, AND THAT WILL NEVER BE A BAD THING EVER.

Gollum thinks that Bilbo’s escaped and runs after him toward the exit. This, of course, leads Bilbo towards the exit inadvertently, and he follows Gollum, then jumps over him to get back. To which Gollum screams the following:

Thief! Thief! Baggins! We hates it! Hates it! Forever!

I hear you, buddy. I hear you. Well, once Bilbo escapes, he reconvenes with the rest, and shares his adventure in the cave, but leaves out the ring. And Gandalf seems to know, based on his dialogue. And I checked, and he figured it out in the book and Jackson movie, too. And I gotta say...WHAT THE FUCK GANDALF

I mean...DUDE. CHECK UP on that shit. Do you wizard job, man! If you’d been like, “Dude...you didn’t find a magic ring that turns you invisible, ight, because we’re FUCKED if you did”, NONE OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS WOULD’VE HAPPENED, AND BOROMIR WOULD STILL BE ALIVE

Everybody talks about the fuckin’ eagles, but WHY DO I NEVER HEAR ANYONE MENTION THIS SHIT? Gandalf the Grey: Middle-Earth’s most irresponsible asshole, I swear...

This seems like a good place to pause, actually. See you in the next part!

[popculturespiritwow]

THE WICKED + THE DIVINE #20: I WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED

“DID I DO THAT?”

I spent way too much time looking for an Urkel/Family Matters pun about Baphomet’s real name. Please give me points for effort.

(Fun Fact: Points for Effort is also the name for my Completely Unauthorized Biography of Baphomet. He really puts in some solid effort here. You gotta love him.)

THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

Q: Is there a place for a Dionne Warwick reference in the analysis of a comic book about early 21st century pop culture gods who die in two years and spend all their meanwhiles basically doing whatever the hell they want while their spooky, veiled mentor figure quietly steals their heads/murders them?

A: Context is irrelevant. There is always a place for Dionne Warwick reference. You will be assimilated.

Pretty much every friend/loving(-ish) relationship in WicDiv is undermined to some degree by competition (Luci/Ammy), betrayal (Baal/Inanna), just plain fear (Ananke/Woden – we’re using “love” her REALLY loosely); and that sweet sweet cocktail of life, jealousy + shame (Baph/Morry).

(Random aside: I want to pitch a Morrigan spin off entitled “Tuesdays with Morry” in which a visitor descends to meet the Morrigan over the course of weeks and slowly goes crazy and then is torn to pieces. You know, for the kids.)

Even the great relationship between Laura and Luci marinates in a certain amount of Fan-with-Object of Fan, How Do I Get What She’s Having instability.

Cassandra and Laura spend most of the first two arcs as frenemies. (It’s hard to be friends with a person who is always telling you how naïve you are.) But near the end of arc two, we get that moment where Laura shows Cassandra some real kindness and Cassandra actually allows herself to be vulnerable.

Can you hear the Warwick, Clarice? Can you hear her singing?

Of course then Laura ascends/sings/dies/watches her family get murdered/escapes, and it’s all sort of lost in Ananke’s reality-unsettling fire.

But then when Laura comes back and sets her plan in motion, she tells her story not to The Internet’s Best Friend Dionysius or to its Yum Yum I’ll Have that To Go Baal, but Cassandra.

And unlike the typical exposition dump, aka CUT TO:

INT. LOCAL CAFE - NIGHT

CASSANDRA SIPS COFFEE WHILE LAURA SMOKES CLOVES AND TELLS HER WHAT HAPPENED.

(Hear the pretty wheels of a good story coming to a screeching halt)

-- that exposition is absolutely in service of the story. Cassandra absolutely needs to know what happened to Laura before she’ll agree to join them.  

But even with that, we end on this lovely, unexpected beat where Cassandra wonders why Laura would share the Baphomet stuff with her. And Laura’s answer is not as huggy as before.  She’s sort of graduated from that into something quieter and more vulnerable.

I loved Luci and Laura, I love Baphomet and Laura, but the friendship I really ship in WicDiv is these two.

What really makes me angry, though? Laura’s reveal about her and Baph is a Writer’s Convenience. There is no obviously good reason why Laura would have had to tell Cassandra about that. It’s there because the narrative needs the scene to “finish” Laura’s Secret Underground Journey and also to add some twists to what actually happened between them.

Cassandra asking about The Reveal You Need is your classic hang a lantern way of mitigating against the problem. If I name your problem you’ll think it’s all part of the plan, or at least like I see it, too.  

And what’s appalling, I mean deeply offensive, is that Kieron has an answer to the problem that doesn’t stop at satisfying my questions but takes the characters deeper and makes the scene into something so much more.

How dare he be that good.

How. Dare. He.

(I’d love to know which came first, the dilemma of how to justify that information or his sense of their relationship at this point and the opportunity this moment could provide if he stayed in it just one more beat. But either way, it is an really delicate bit of work. And I am filled with envy.)  

RIGHT?

My favorite beat of the flashbackery has got to be this moment of seeing Baphomet and Inanna react to what is about to happen to Laura. It’s like getting to see the horror in my soul from a safe distance.

PERSEPHONE IS IN HELL

I’m always interested in the precise blessing that each god bestows. We got a glimpse of Persephone’s magic in issue 18, the dark vines ever deepening around her listeners while the words “Persephone is in Hell” resound. And it’s clear it’s a shattering experience for each of them.

But the specifics of that experience are unclear. What does Persephone get them in touch with? What does she give them?

After issue 20, it’s still not totally clear, but I sort of wonder if Laura’s gift is actually allowing others to experience her own horribly sad story. Maybe going to a Persephone concert is like watching Schindler’s List, or Born on the Fourth of July or Twelve Years a Slave. Basically you’ve just signed up for horror and grief. And yet you come anyway, because the opportunity to face the monstrous truths of our reality is cathartic. 

Seriously, if it weren’t for Peak TV keeping me distracted (just started Counterpart, wow is it good) I would be on a non-stop diet of World’s Saddest Movies. As it is I’m repeat watching Infinity War basically just for the last five minutes (and really for the very last minute’s “I don’t want to go”, which somehow only gets more upsetting to watch after you know it’s coming).

The thing I like about this idea of the blessing of Persephone being her story is that it’s a little bit different than the other gods. Their blessings certainly come out of their own lives and experiences, but the gift itself is more of the quality of an experience.  You walk away from an Inanna residency or an Amaterasu performance with a certain feeling, maybe a take on life (and in the case of an Inanna residency probably some unwanted new hitchhikers, please get tested, everybody.)

Persephone’s gift, if I understand it correct, is not about you but her. You walk away from her show with an experience of what happened to her and where that has left her.  Persephone is in Hell.

I haven’t thought very much about the meaning or Easter eggs to be found in the specifics of the different gods of the Pantheon – at least not until they hit me upside the petunia, like the reveal of the Woden’s true identity or the ongoing discussion about the appropriateness of Hazel’s take on Amaterasu.

But the more I sit with Laura’s journey, the more I think about the fact that she was transformed not into one of the classic A-List Greek gods but a relatively minor one who became a bridge between them and the rest of us via abduction, forced marriage and missing her mom (Greek myths are so messed up, I’m rereading The Iliad right now, it’s basically just a million lines of women being treated and talked about like garbage).

Laura has always been our stand-in, our bridge to this world. Maybe her blessing reflects that. It’s not some divine gift from on high, but the sharing of one really cursed human being with others.

(Am I trying too hard here? I may be trying too hard here.)

HEY, RORSCHACH

“I triggered it thirty-five minutes ago” Watchmen nods seriously never get old.

 IT’S ALL GOING TO BE OKAYYYY?

So we’re halfway through Super Hero Fight Wow, about to go into the Big Punch Finish. And  I love that Gillen and McKelvie have married the genre to the idea of teen individuation. Our kids are going to literally kill their mom, and in doing so achieve lives “of their own”.

It’s a coming of age story, basically.  It’s the end of the first act of Into the Woods. Problem solved. Happily ever after.

(Yeah, there’s still a giant left and a Great Darkness out there, but if we can take care of the Witch who Stole Our Baby we can take care of that. IMPERIAL PHASE, BABY.)

So of course Kieron ends instead like this.  

Just shut up, we’ve got it handled, it’ll be fine.