#but also he was still a baby two years later when the volcano stuff happened

[science-lings]

Okay, I actually need to yap about DKoS!Bruce bc he was so fascinating to me, and also other thoughts i wanted to share

Spoilers for the Dark Knights of Steel

So this guy is a bastard child of the previous queen who grew up as a human among gods, He's inherently lesser in the eyes of the people and most of all, in his own eyes. He doesn't act like a prince and he doesn't get treated like one typically. He's more comfortable as a knight, protecting the royal family that can fly and shoot fire from their eyes. He feels responsible for keeping them safe like no one could keep his parents safe.

Magic killed his parents, and magic is what the closest thing he has to a family is weak to, so he makes it his mission to make sure what happened to them never happens to anyone in his kingdom, so when he gets word from Tim that the kingdom of stroms sent a magical assassin to take out the king, he's paranoid and following every magical lead he can to prevent the worst. So when he catches on to something being not quite human about him, he assumes it's dark magic or a curse and that he should be banished or imprisoned. He's the monster he's been hunting, at least in the way that he's not as human as he thought he was.

He, of course, confesses this in front of the reason he's not entirely human, one of the people who has been lying to him his entire life. Like imagine your son thinking that there's something evil and wrong about him and suggesting he be imprisoned for it when that part of him was the part of him that came from you. congrats, you are Jor-El. you are also killed before the conversation ends. And because Bruce couldn't stop a magical arrow coming out of nowhere, this causes an even bigger rift between him and his 'family' because it was his responsibility. So his second father is dead and his brother blames him and likes to say things like 'he's not one of us' and his adoptive mother won't stand up for him anymore and he still just internalizes that grief and guilt and goes out to do his duty because that's all he has left.

It's so important to make Bruce blame himself for everything and think he's too fucked up for anyone to love him <3.

I know he's kind of an asshole but he's also supposed to be <17 and so mentally ill that multiple characters from multiple kingdoms are like 'yeah that kid's fucked up' and I really don't blame him for the classic fantasy thing of outlawing magic, very BBC merlin vibes actually. He's not as much of a hypocrite as the story seems to want him to be because his reaction to the possibility of being magic is 'i belong in the dungeons to actually, lock me up'

anyway Harley & Bruce besties compilation

I love you court jester/ royal advisor Harley and her little emo knight bff

in addition to the above, Bruce's love language is getting bullied

Dick: You privileged bastard

Bruce, smiling: (wow this little crime baby is so clever, I need to adopt all of them like stray cats) what if I gave you all jobs and swords and legal immunity?

Sidenote, I love the robins, especially whatever sibling rivalry is going on between Jason and Steph

anyway back to the sad stuff

So, Bruce has been lied to about his parentage his entire life and he watched his father get killed in front of him moments after finding out that he was his father, and that would fuck anyone up but he's still trying to make sure Kal is okay. But things are Bad after he finds out about his backstory he wants to tell his brother and he's afraid to tell his brother and he's trying to be vulnerable when the person who he thinks is his brother stabs him with a shard of kryptonite and sends him flying to the ground and leaves him for dead. So like, that would probably not help his identity issues. For a while he's still referring to himself as a monster and due to his past he can't fit in with the monsters any more than he could fit in with his family of gods. He's an outsider everywhere he goes. Probably why he likes his little group of pickpockets turned court spies/ squires. They're all used to lingering in the shadows and not being noticed. They are also all So silly.

He has to go through discovering all his alien qualities all on his own, with his heat vision mostly coming instinctually when he is in physical and emotional pain, ie when Jor-El died, when he got the kryptonite yanked out of his torso.

Peak Aura actually he's slaying

So we've established that his father lied to him and died, his og parents were killed in a magic attack he was also involved in, and because there is a curse on this man, Alfred has been lying this whole time too, and was also an alien, which was fine, until he got killed too and Bruce wasn't fast enough to save him even when the stress of the event unlocked his ability to fly.

I think Harley was right, this kid is really going to need a hug

at least he gets one. But also like, Kal has said some pretty nasty things to/about Bruce in this series, and the only one we see apologizing for anything is Bruce... I feel like there should've been more catharsis for him beyond Lara and Kal wanting him to be king bc that is obviously not a role that he wants, he denies it so many times but no one listens. I think he needs to be accepted as a Kryptonian and part of the family more than he needs to be seen as worthy of a throne. He was excluded from the field trip to make the phantom zone projector with the other Kryptonians which felt a little weird to me.

A scene that i would write though would actually be Bruce having a conversation with Lara, his last parental figure who he could convince himself would be the least likely to love him. I mean, her husband cheated on her to make Bruce and after Jor-El died, she treated Bruce less like a family member or even the son of a family friend and solely as a soldier.

The catharsis comes in when we remember that Bruce was the reason the Waynes and the Els were still close, because they all loved him so much that it fixed whatever issues his creation caused. That he was so easy to love that any misgivings were forgotten. I think Bruce really needs his last remaining parental figure to say that. Like he's not just one of the greatest warriors but he's still a kid who just lost two parents in addition to the original two. I think he really needs to cry. I think he deserves it. I personally need to see it.

Time to end it on a good note, his friendship with Beastboy which gives him a badass dragon-riding war-ending moment

Also fuck you Constantine for fireblasting Tim through a fucking rock wall for being the funniest character in this whole story.

Cass being the unsung hero and also avoiding being in the middle of a war, queen behavior I wouldn't want to be a part of all that either. I still wish she got more than a page, they should've at least had a party where all the characters we've seen hang out and all the robins get to reunite with Bruce.

[titan-fodder]

Prima Vista Part IV

[ previous ]

Rating: E (explicit; mdni) Pairing: Mike Zacharias x fem!reader wc: ~ 9.6k

Warning: a big helping of abandonment/daddy issues, lots of feelings, explicit sexual content A/N: y’all are gonna be so soft and then so mad lmao. 

The plan was to go to Mike's house then back to campus. You said you didn't have anything to do at your mom's, that a long phone call would suffice, which is why Mike is confused when you ask him if you can stop by before going back. It's an hour out of the way, but it's not like he has anything better to do, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious about your humble beginnings. 

 The house is in a decent-looking neighborhood, small, nearly identical one-story homes surrounded by cracked sidewalks. He has to be careful not to trip as you make your way to the front porch, pots of dead or dying plants along the edges of it. You shove your key into the lock, twist and open, then motion for Mike to follow. 

 The den is dimly lit, ceiling fan above with only one working bulb. A crime show is playing on the TV but there's no one watching. There is, however, another light pouring from a back room, and as soon as you drop your bag on the couch, a head pokes out from the doorway. 

 "Baby girl!" A shrill voice cries, and Mike sees you grimace. "I thought you weren't coming by!" 

 A woman walks into the den wearing long, cotton shorts and an old tie-dye shirt then pulls you into a hug so tight that it makes you cough. 

 "Mom," you take a deep breath as if to refill your lungs with all the air that was pushed from them. "This is Mike."

 He holds out a hand and smiles, but all your mother does is stare with round eyes and blurt, "Oh, he's a big boy." 

 "My fucking god." You don't yell or whine, just pinch the bridge of your nose and mumble, "Just shake his hand please." 

 "Sorry, I'm sorry, just was not expecting… You didn't tell me how tall he was."

 "'Cause it doesn't matter. Why would I—nevermind," you cut yourself off, face falling flat just like your voice. 

 Mike isn't sure if he should be flattered or offended or embarrassed, so he just ignores the comment entirely and says, "Nice to meet you." 

 You make your escape to the back, dragging Mike with you before shutting your bedroom door and leaning against it. 

 "Mom is a little weird, but you'll always know where you stand with her," you tell him. "Also, sorry about the house. She’s a teacher, so she’s usually pretty beat at the end of the day. Not enough energy to do a lotta cleaning."

 "Didn't even notice," he reassures you. 

 Mike unpacks his bag next to you, and you gather the dirty clothes from both yours and his, balling them up and taking them with you out to the garage to throw into the washing machine. Mike should have done it at his parents', but as you were packing up that morning, his mother got all teary eyed and his dad just kept shaking your tiny hands and telling you to come back, so it just didn’t happen. 

 Back in the living room, your mom is sitting in an old rocking chair, and Mike thinks you'll take a seat on the adjacent couch, but instead you ask, "You need help with anything? Dishes or vacuuming or somethin'?"

 She looks up at you, fly-away hairs sticking out around her temples and forehead and responds, "It'd be nice if you could do the dishes. I just haven't gotten around to it."

 "Can do," you nod and walk into the kitchen, opening the dishwasher and making a displeased noise at the dirty plates and bowls inside. There's room for a few more, but once it's full and running, you just clean what's left in the sink by hand. Mike finds a towel, stands next to you, and holds his hand out for every scrubbed dish, drying it and placing it in the rack to hopefully be put up later. 

 "You hungry?" You ask when you're done and drying your hands. "It's almost one."

 "Uh, yeah. I could eat." 

 Truthfully, he's starving having only had a small breakfast at his parents'. He doesn't want to say that, though, doesn't want you making a big meal for him or apologizing for anything. 

 "Sandwiches okay?" 

 Something in your tone has him on edge. Your voice is too quiet, deflecting downward as if you're forcing each word from your mouth. 

 "Yeah," he nods. "If you get the stuff, I can make 'em." Mostly so that you can relax but also because there's no way he's gonna let you make him a fucking sandwich. 

 You shrug your shoulders, grab bread, lunchmeat, cheese, and condiments, then say, "You can make ours. I'll make mom's."

 He knows he's missing something, but he doesn't know what, and right now he's too afraid to ask. 

 He eats next to you on the couch, you and your mom watching TV as Mike tries to subtly glance around. Mounted shelves are decorated with dusty, mismatched figurines, cracks opening at the corners where the walls meet the roof. The brick fireplace is stacked high with plastic tubs and books, probably from your mother’s classroom, and the carpet has seen better days. 

 Mike isn't judging—not in the least—but he has a feeling he knows why being here puts you in a sour mood. The house feels lived in, cluttered and cozy and worn around the edges, but it's still empty somehow. 

 After the three of you are finished eating, you take the paper plates and dispose of them, then tell your mom that you'll be in your room. She gives you a soft smile that you struggle to return.

 It's a little more you in the bedroom, blue walls covered in old posters and collages, a quilt similar to the one in your dorm folded at the bottom of your bed. Your pillow cases are faded and covered in an old flower design that matches your sheets, and there's a small nightstand next to the headboard that's bare on top with wrinkled papers poking out of the bottom drawer. 

 "It's not much, but if you wanna snoop around like I always do, feel free." 

 Mike doesn't really want to, especially since you already seem so uncomfortable in what should be a safe space for you. The only thing he feels okay investigating is the old bookshelf next to your closet—mostly YA novels, some poetry books, an old set of The Lord of the Rings series, a textbook over rocks and minerals and another over volcanoes. Tucked away in the bottom shelf is a tiny booklet that looks like a photo album, and Mike has to fight the urge to pull it from its place and flip through the plastic pages. Anything to get to know you better. 

 You lay in bed, eyes locked on the ceiling, and Mike doesn't know what to do. There's a very small TV sitting on your dresser, an old DVD player next to it, so he figures he'll save both you and himself from talking by picking out a movie. 

 He fingers through them, not that there's a lot, just skims the spines until he pulls out a copy of Space Jam. You only glance at the screen when the intro starts, and Mike immediately zeroes in on the way your jaw sets and your brows furrow. 

 "I can pick something else," he tells you quietly. 

 You take a deep breath and shake your head. Slowly but surely your features begin to soften. 

 "'S'fine."

 "Are you sure?" 

 "Yeah. My, uh…" You swallow loud enough from Mike to hear, neck bobbing with the motion. "My dad and I used to watch it all the time."

 He doesn't know what to make of it or how to respond. In the months he's known you, Mike has never heard you mention your father a single time, and he's never asked in fear of what your response might be. 

 He moves your quilt to sit on the very edge of the bed, a little too tense as he heavily contemplates ignoring what you'd said and still switching movies. 

 "You can lay down, you know," you mumble. "I'm not gonna bite you."

 "You have before," he tries to act casual, but it comes out too stiffly.

 You laugh through your nose— "Suit yourself—" then get more comfortable on the mattress. 

 Michael Jordan gets pulled into a golf hole and the Loony Toons journey to retrieve his shoes from the real world. Mike is barely paying attention, more focused on the way your breathing evens out until it becomes slow and deep. 

 That's good. You could use a nap. 

 He watches you for a while, the way your eyelashes flutter against your cheeks and your lips part. You're all curled up on yourself, hands tucked under your chin, knees to your stomach, and Mike wants to slip behind you so badly, to pull you to his chest and lay with you until his heartbeat syncs with yours. 

 But first. 

 As carefully as he can, Mike stands from the bed and glides to the bookcase. He lowers himself in front of it, quickly finding what he's looking for and pulls it from the shelf. 

 It's a small little album, full of polaroids and old pictures cut in half. The first page sets the tone for the rest of the booklet, a photo of a very small you outside eating a popsicle next to a man that is most definitely your dad. You've got a similar facial structure as well as his coloring. Not to mention the expression he's wearing is one Mike has seen you make many times before. 

 The next picture is the two of you dressed up for an event. He's in a striped Polo and slacks while you're in a little checkered dress, a rose corsage on your tiny wrist. Some kind of father-daughter dance, Mike guesses. 

 Sitting on his lap at a fair, a chubby little boy a few years older than you standing close with a stuffed snake around his neck. A party where you're posed with an honestly frightening costume character. You in a bright, mesh jersey standing back to back with your dad, arms crossed, looking at the camera with your chins tilted upward. 

 They all look like good memories. The little boy in the fair picture appears several more times, and as he loses his baby fat, Mike sees the resemblance he shares with you and your father. It's too close to be a cousin—your eyes and mouths shaped the same—so he must be your brother. 

 Mike doesn't know how to feel about that because again, you've never uttered a word. As far as he knew, you were an only child, so why…

 He gets lost in the pages, watching you grow and pose mostly next to your dad. Smiles and laughs and silly faces with your tongues sticking out. Your mom is in some, brother in others, and then, you're in a cap and gown, grinning widely next to your dad who's beginning to gray at the temples. His own smile is barely there now, a ghost of what was seen in the previous photos. It's forced, it's sad, and it's the last picture in the book. 

 Mike's chest hurts. He wonders what happened, when exactly you'd lost him. Was it a quick goodbye, or had it been drawn out and painful? Had he been sick for a long time? He'd looked perfectly healthy in all the shots. Maybe a car accident that took both him and your brother…

 He flips to check for one last photo on the back of the page, but it's empty. However, tucked in a tiny, paper pocket is a folded up note that Mike stares at for a few solid minutes, debating the pros and cons of reading it. He knows he's already violated your privacy by looking through the album, and fuck, he's only been in your house for a couple hours at most—how has he already managed to tumble down such a humongous rabbit hole? 

 Your tiny snores reach his ears, and Mike gently pulls the note out, biting his lip as he unfolds it as quietly as possible. It's soft, like it's been read too many times, and the letters scribbled in all caps are beginning to fade, but the words are still legible. 

 It starts with your name, and then it's all apologies—sorry I can't stay, I have to leave, you don't understand how much this hurts me and so on. 

 Mike's eyebrows pull together the further he reads, blood pounding against the walls of his arteries, pulse picking up because he understands now.

 Your father wasn't in any sort of accident; he just left. 

 The letter ends with a gut-wrenching, You'll always be my little girl, and Mike nearly crumples the paper up to throw away. He resists somehow, simply folds it with shaky hands and slips it back into the pocket at the back of the album. 

 He's never been so mad at a stranger in his life. This must be it. This must be why you are—

 "Should've known you'd go straight for the photo album." 

 Your voice makes Mike's body jolt, his face heating as he turns to look at you with wide eyes. 

 "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean—"

 You wave him off and prop yourself up on an elbow. "It's whatever."

 But, it's not. It's this huge part of you that still affects you to this day. Mike is no psychologist, but he has a pretty good feeling this is the main reason you hold everyone at arm's length. 

 "Why didn't you ever tell me?" 

 "What's there to tell?" 

 Sitting up fully, your gaze moves to the screen just in time to see Michael Jordan step off of the spaceship and onto the baseball field. I Believe I Can Fly is playing, and you're gritting your teeth. 

 "It's not anything that comes up in normal conversation anyway. I wasn't just gonna hit you with it outta nowhere. Also," you look back to Mike, eyes still sleepy, lips pulling downward in a frown. "I'm not the only one who hid stuff about my family."

 Mike sighs and quietly tells you, "That's different," as he closes the album and slides it back into the row of books. 

 "Is it, though? Is it really?" 

 "I..." 

 Mike shuts his mouth and actually thinks on it. He wasn't trying to lie to you about his home life or his heritage. He's only half Greek on his mom's side, after all, and he's only been to the country to visit family a couple of times—once when he was a child and once right before college. The culture is a little different over there, but it all seems so natural to him, especially after being raised to speak the language. 

 Honestly, he didn't ever tell you because he didn't think to, but Mike can understand the shock of walking into his childhood home and getting thrown through that loop. It must have been jarring for you. 

 It's a positive aspect of his life, though. It's not something that's damaged him or made him cold toward others. And, he hates describing you in such a way, but it's true.

 At least it makes sense now. 

��"I guess not," he shrugs. He's not about to fight you on it. 

 You stare at him for a while, waking up a bit more as you rub your eyes and stretch. 

 Then, you flop back down on your pillows. 

 "So. Any questions, Zacharias?" 

 He's surprised that you're asking, and though he doesn't want to twist the metaphorical knife in your gut, he still replies honestly: "Too many."

 A long exhale through your nose, and then you're patting the mattress next to you and grumbling, "Fine, I'll do my best, but you gotta come up here."

 "Why? You gonna need to cuddle afterward?" He can't help but tease. 

 "Fuckin' maybe, dude! We're about to get into my god damn trauma so—"

 Mike is up on his feet and flying toward the bed. He isn't about to sabotage the one fucking moment you're opening yourself up. 

 "Alright, what first?" You ask, trying to look bored, but Mike can clearly see that you're nervous. 

 "He left." 

 "Yeah."

 And then he gets the full story. 

 Your dad was pretty perfect during your younger years—a bit of a workaholic but still good. He took you to dances like the one you'd both dressed for in the photograph. You'd spend days at amusement parks where he'd carry you on his shoulders. He coached the basketball team you'd played on as a child.

 "Not saying he played favorites, but I was definitely closer to him than my brother was."

 The brother who developed a drug problem at fourteen, who was always either out with his little addict friends or at home where he would just scream at you and your mom. 

 "He went to rehab a couple times, but it didn't stick." 

 He left home at seventeen and hasn't gotten in touch with you or your parents since. 

 "I keep thinking one day we'll get a call from the police saying they found his wallet on a fucking corpse, but who knows. Maybe he got clean. Maybe he started a family somewhere else. He'd be twenty-five now."

 "Were you ever close with him?"

 You shrug. "We spent a lot of time together when we were really little, but even back then he was kinda a mean kid."

 It very quickly circles back to your father. Mike still doesn't feel like he has all the answers, so he asks through the skin of his lip, "Why'd he leave?"

 At this point, you've got your head in his lap as he sits against the wall. He smooths your hair back from your face every once in a while, something his mom used to do to him when he was very young that always soothed him. 

 He hopes it's having the same effect on you, thinks it might be considering you've had your eyes closed for a while now, humming now and then as you talk. 

 "Honestly, I don't really know. I don't think he and my mom were ever in love. Like, they just kinda settled for each other," you sigh. "They didn't have a lot in common. They had different upbringings. But, they didn't fight or anything—not in front of us. They were good at hiding the hard times from me and my brother. They just didn't… click."

 Mike bites his tongue, wonders if that was hard to watch or if you'd been too naive to notice. 

 Then, there's his second train of thought that's really just the voice in his head screaming, we click, though! You and I work! But he keeps it to himself. This isn't about you and him. 

 "I think maybe dad had, like, a 'stay together for the kids' mentality 'cause as soon as I graduated, he was fuckin' gone. And, I mean gone. We went to a graduation party the next weekend that lasted a few hours—just me and mom—and when we got back his truck wasn't in the driveway and his drawers were empty. He left that note you read on my desk."

 Mike breathes. Just breathes. He tries to make sense of it, how someone could just do that without a real reason. There hadn't been any explanation in the letter, only apologies. 

 "Have you seen him since?" 

 You open your eyes and reply, "Nope," popping the 'p'. "I don't know where he is, and he hasn't reached out. Mom made the drive to my grandma's—his mom—but she said she didn't know where he was either. Pretty sure she was covering for him, though. She was always kind of a bitch. You know, save for the whole paying for my college and all."

 Mike snorts at this, not that there's anything funny about the situation. It's just his first reaction. 

 You ignore it, moving on with an, "Anyway."

 "Anyway," he mimics. 

 "I don't know if you've noticed in the short time you've been here, but my mom is a little… off. Not super good at taking care of herself."

 "Is this why?" 

 "Clever boy," you show a bitter smile. "I didn't really understand since they weren't, like, in love or whatever, but… I think it was the betrayal more than anything. Like, it came outta nowhere, a big ol' slap in the face."

 "Plus, he left you behind," Mike adds, as if you don't already know. 

 Looking up at him, you raise your eyebrows and smirk. "And, now you know about my abandonment issues." The last part comes out in high-pitched, melodic syllables, a little song that would be funny if Mike didn't know it was a coping mechanism. It most definitely is, though. He can tell that you're the type to mask every issue with humor and sarcasm. It's how you've been dealing with him for the last several months. 

 "So, that's my story," you conclude on an exhale. "Now you know all my dirty secrets."

 "For some reason I don't think that's all of them," Mike pets your hair again. "But, probably the important ones."

 "Mm. I guess."

 The rest of the day is really just spent killing time. You cook an easy dinner that you refuse to let Mike help with, then sit in the den with your mom just like you did at lunch. A medical show is playing. Then a reality show. Then a game show. None of you say much of anything, and it's painfully awkward for Mike now that he knows what happened, but he can power through a few days of this if it makes you feel better. 

 Hours pass until you can retreat, and moonlight shines through your bedroom window, not that Mike needs it. He's memorized your body at this point, knows where to touch without even seeing. He makes sure to be gentle, to suckle and blow on your pebbled nipples as you card fingers through his hair and breathe faster and faster. 

 Leaving love bites down your chest and stomach, he sucks on your skin, gently grazing his teeth over every bruise. Mike wants you to see them all the next day—not a staked claim, just something you can't ignore when you look in the mirror, evidence of his feelings in every mark. 

 When you're finally nice and relaxed, he spreads your legs and licks into you, trying not to be too rough with his beard, but a few swipes of it over your clit leave you shaking in his grasp. You whisper his name, the common one that everyone knows him by, but then, rolling off your tongue like a prayer, you call him, "Miche," and he can't help the rumble that rises in his chest. 

 It should be strange. That's the name only his family uses, the one he was born with. He only simplified it so that kids in school wouldn't ask questions or make fun of him, and after that, it just sort of stuck. But, here and now, falling from your lips, it's so soft. So intimate. 

 You whimper when he sucks on your folds, making them swell, making them sensitive. And then, he's pushing his tongue inside of you and humming happily at the taste. His nose is bumping against your clit, and Christ, you even smell good to him—that ripe, tangy aroma that has Mike going a little crazy. He has to make sure he doesn't get too carried away. You can't make very much noise even with the rattling of the air conditioner, but as he slowly slides a finger into your pussy, he hears you moan around the fist you're holding to your mouth. 

 He stretches you just enough to get you ready, then he holds himself over you and pushes into your wet cunt. Your eyes are open, locked with Mike's as your brow raises and your jaw drops. It's erotic, something you've never done with him before. You typically either gaze somewhere other than his face or keep your eyes squeezed shut. 

 Tonight, though, you've been vulnerable and apparently want to stay that way for a little while longer. 

 He bends to catch you in a kiss, lips and tongues moving just as slowly as his hips, and when you reach to tug at Mike's hair, he pants into your mouth. 

 Those words are there again, stuck in his throat but slowly crawling upward until they're just there, pouring from his tongue, "I lo—"

 Until you cut him off with a sharp, "Don't."

 He makes a noise of frustration, wants to protest because he's so deep inside of you, and you're holding onto him like you want him—truly want him, but you mutter once more against his lips, "Don't say it, Miche."

 So, he doesn't. He bottles the confession up and keeps it locked away, hoping like hell that one day you'll let him tell you. 

 After you climax and coat his cock in slick and cream, he gives a few more thrusts and comes inside of you, filling you with himself and wondering why you're so willing to accept him in that way but not in any other. 

 He's hurting again, like he did at his parents' as you walked around like you belonged there. Except it's worse now. 

 If you don't want him to say it, that means you don't want to say it back. 

 He stays with you for a few more minutes before pulling out. You leave to clean up, and while you're gone, Mike sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as he tries to get it all out of his system, whispering it out loud to himself: 

 I love you. I love you, I love you.  

 You still let him hold you as you fall asleep, gripping his hand until you can't anymore, and as Mike drifts off behind you, he has one last thought—Just let me.

* There’s only three weeks left of the semester when you head back to campus, and you intend to make the most of every passing day. 

 You pay better attention in class. You study harder in the library to prepare for final exams. You go to a few more Pi Alpha Kappa parties, making sure not to burn yourself out. And, you let Mike fuck your brains out every few days. Sometimes it’s late at night after those parties. Sometimes you're too tired after the nights of drinking and end up just going to bed only to wake up in the morning and have slow, sleepy sex. Sometimes it’s in the middle of the afternoon when you both have breaks between classes.

 Neither of you bring up anything that happened over the break—meeting families, details about your childhoods, how much you learned about one another in general.

 Most importantly, neither of you address that first night at your mom’s, the way Mike had basically worshiped your body, how he’d come so close to uttering the three words you least want to hear. 

 Thinking about it still makes your chest tighten, your heart beat faster. Sometimes when you’re sharing his bed with him, back pressed to his chest, large arm slung over your waist, you think about why it is you’re so vehemently against it. The two of you already act like a couple most of the time. You walk with each other to class when you can. You stick to each other’s sides at parties. You fuck like rabbits and don’t care who knows about it. 

 And, though you’re hesitant to admit it even to yourself, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have feelings for him. Mike is your best friend at this point. He’s insanely hot. He’s goofy. He’s kind. Yeah, the frat boy persona he puts on around his friends is annoying, but you understand it a little better now. Plus, he always takes off the mask when he’s alone with you, giving both you and himself a break from it.

 You know your time with him is quickly coming to an end—for about two months, at least—and whenever you think too hard about it, it makes you pout and huff. You’re not looking forward to your summer classes without him, but he promises on several occasions that you can call him while he’s at his parents’ if you ever need help with the material.

 It’s impressive, the way he’s able to act like nothing happened. You know it must be troubling him, but it’s not like you can do anything to soothe him. If he was really upset with you, he would have stopped spending time with you, but he hasn’t. He just bottles it up, keeps smiling at you all crookedly, and keeps satisfying you in the bedroom (more than satisfying honestly. There’s really not a word to describe what he does).

 He’s back to getting along with everyone in the Pike house, everyone being Erwin. It’s a relief just because you don’t have to put up with the tension between them, but it’s also awkward. And, a little frightening. 

 The brothers have Smash Brothers tournaments and movie nights, a few date parties here and there, and it never fails that at some point during the evenings, you find your neck prickling as it always does when you feel someone staring at you. You always hope it’s Mike. Fuck, you wish it was him. But, when you glance up and around, it’s Erwin. Every time. His deep blue eyes are trained on you, the corner of his mouth twitching upward on one side. It doesn’t matter if he’s alone or if he’s got Maddie or some other girl sitting in his lap. He's fucking shameless, and it makes your stomach hurt.

 You keep your mouth shut for the sake of the friendship but also for the sake of Erwin’s pretty face. If he and Mike ever got into an actual fight, Erwin would probably be able to get a good few punches in, but you’re nearly positive Mike would end up destroying him in the long run. That could get him kicked out of school. That could get him thrown in jail. 

 Finals roll around, and you manage to pass all of them without issue, even getting grades above the class average. You feel fantastic, like your long term goals might actually be attainable. You have a long road ahead of you, but your GPA at the end of the year is more than enough to raise your confidence. 

 Mike asks you to come back to his house for the couple weeks between the end of the semester and the start of your summer courses, but you turn him down, too scared of what might happen while you’re there. Acting like a couple in front of his parents will only exacerbate his feelings as well as yours, and you’d like to avoid that as best you can. 

 Even now as you’re standing outside by the Jeep, he tries to persuade you one last time, almost pleading, “Are you sure you don’t wanna come?”

 “Miche, I’m sure,” you tell him, trying to stay stern, but it’s hard when his sea glass eyes light up at the sound of his real name. It’s a habit you’ve gotten into, a bad one considering how much he likes it. How much you like it. “I already told you I wanna spend the free time I have at mom’s. I need to check up on her and… Probably clean, honestly.”

 He lets out a little grunt of disappointment, then nods. “Yeah, I get it.”

 “You saw what she’s like,” you remind him. “Someone needs to drop in every once in a while to make sure she isn’t, like, wasting away or something.”

 “Makes sense. I’ll be bummed, though.”

 “Be bummed all you want,” you smile. “I’ll probably still bother you over break. A lot.”

 He sounds terribly sincere when he mumbles, “You never bother me.” It makes your stomach flip in the way you do not enjoy.

 Mike sighs, taking in one of those deep breaths that makes his broad chest rise then fall, calling attention to it and making you bite your bottom lip. 

 “Alright, I should get going,” he concedes, bending down to kiss you too deeply for simple friends with benefits. It doesn’t stop you from humming into his mouth and smiling against him. You hold him by the back of his neck as he pulls your body close to his, his voice muffled when he tells you mischievously, “Don’t forget to send pictures.”

 It makes you laugh, and you lean back to swipe your tongue over his lips so that he groans and chases after you. 

 “I promise I will. Perv.” The beating sun is nothing in comparison to the way your body heats at the thought. You’ve sent him nudes before, but the idea of him looking at them from hours away, fisting his cock as he admires your body through his phone… It makes seeing him off even harder.

 After a couple more softer kisses, Mike swings into the Wrangler and pulls out of the lot. You stand in his parking space and watch him until he’s out of sight, then walk back to your dorm, dragging your feet the whole way. 

 You only stay at your mom’s house for a week, and just like you predicted, you spend most of it cleaning. She thanks you the whole time but makes excuses in between. You just reassure her that you don’t mind even though you do. She really should see a therapist and sort out the depression she’s been stuck in for a few years now, but telling someone they need professional help is easier said than done. 

 Sleeping in your old bed is much harder this time around. You're all too aware of the weight that isn't behind you, and most nights you lay awake for at least a couple of hours trying to imagine it. 

 Like you’d promised, you send him a few pictures, some of them just lewd selfies with your tits pouring out of the cups of your bra, but others are of your naked body in the bathtub, sometimes a shot of you with your hand between your legs. It feels wrong to touch yourself in your childhood home, but it’s necessary, especially when Mike sends you a few pictures of his own—one with his torso on display, defined abs absolutely mouthwatering and the V of his hips suggestively leading into mesh shorts. Another is of him in the gray joggers he wears all the time, the ones that always show off his cock. 

 He’s so fucking hot it atually hurts, makes your pussy throb as you crave his touch. It’s an awful feeling honestly, but even worse than that is the way you miss him. You aren’t supposed to miss him. You’re just supposed to be friends who have sex. Nothing more than that.

 It's why you’re glad to go back to school. Your classes will distract you, keep you from thinking about him too much. The semester is shorter during the summer, so you have to work even harder than you do during fall and spring. You don’t really think it’ll be a problem since you’re trying to cram your brain full of anything other than Mike which is great motivation for studying. 

 Nothing is gonna get you off track, you tell yourself. Nothing will interfere with your studies. That’s the plan.

 Then, you meet Zeke Jaeger. 

* You're studying in the library. It seems like you spend most of your time here, nice and quiet and empty. The campus isn't nearly as busy in the summer as it is during the rest of the school year. No parties, no sporting events, just you alone with your books. 

 It's nice. Most of the time. A little boring but mostly nice. 

 Your eyes are getting tired, and when you check your phone, you realize why. It's almost eleven PM, meaning you've been studying for about six hours. You've had longer nights, usually spent on the phone getting quizzed on the information you're learning with a few breaks in between, but that wasn't the case tonight as Mike had to spend the day with family from out of town. 

 It's okay. You're supposed to be distancing yourself anyway. 

 Taking a deep breath, you pack up your books and slide your laptop into your bag, then stand and swing it over your shoulder. 

 The strap is too long. The bag swings too hard, and your heart sinks when you hear a little grunt followed by a, "Agh, hot!" 

 Turning with wide eyes, you immediately start apologizing, "I'm so sorry, oh my god, fuck, I'm so sorry!"

 A head of light blond hair looks up from the brown stain on his white t-shirt, icy blue eyes narrowed behind wire-rimmed glasses, but when he sees the mortification on your face, his own expression softens, and he chuckles. 

 "It's fine. You can calm down."

 You're still breathing heavily, guilt making your hands shake, but he really doesn't look angry. In fact, he's grinning now, eyebrows raised like he's amused. 

 The longer you stare at him, the more familiar he looks. You're pretty sure you've seen him before. Many times before, actually, and then it clicks that this guy is on the front page of the school website. You see him every fucking time you log in, looking much more stern than he does now. Baseball hat and jersey, mitt on one hand as he hides his other in it, and yeah, you know him. 

 "You're Zeke Jaeger."

 He makes a face, scrunching his nose up and squinting. "Yeeeeah, I guess I am."

 Best pitcher in the college league despite being a sophomore like you. He's beaten the records of some major league players. 

 You don't give a fuck about baseball, have never even been to any of the school's games, but you've been hearing about Zeke since the last season. You've learned to tune it out because, again, no shits given (and also you're much more partial to lacrosse now), but he's hard to ignore when he's staring you right in the face. 

 "Well, uh," you try to act casual. It's something you're pretty good at these days. "Cool."

 He snorts, picking his shirt off his chest to air it out like it'll help, then says, "I don't know your name, though."

 You run your tongue over your teeth, wondering why he cares, then introduce yourself. 

 "Oh, you're Zacharias' little girlfriend, aren't you?"

 Your stomach flips at the mention of him. 

 "We're not dating."

 Zeke cocks his head to the side. "No?"

 "No. Just friends."

 He hums but doesn't say anything, and your eyes are once again drawn to his chest as he fans over the stain. 

 "Okay, let me get you a new shirt or something," you try. 

 He laughs again. "I highly doubt you've got a men's shirt tucked in that bag of yours, sweetheart."

 "I—" you pout for a second, mumble, "Okay, yeah, fair point."

 "Another coffee, though," he muses out loud. "Wouldn't be the worst thing."

 You shoot him a finger gun and smack your lips. "On it. Where do you get coffee at eleven o'clock?"

 "I'll walk with you," he states more than offers. 

 Then, you're both leaving the library, leaving campus, and going to a little 24 hour cafe where you blow on lattes and cover the basics about each other—philosophy major, valedictorian of his high school class, playing baseball since age seven, etc. You should sleep. You should get ready for another long day of studying.  

 But it's hard to make good decisions when Zeke Jaeger is smirking at you from across the table like you're the most interesting thing he's ever seen. 

* Zeke gets your number that night. You're not exactly sure how, but he does. 

 Then he doesn’t text you for three days. It doesn’t bother you that much. You figure he has other things to focus on. He’s on campus to take a couple courses and practice for the upcoming season, so he’s probably just busy. If that night had just been a one-off, it’s fine with you. It was cool to talk to him, but your heart isn’t broken.

 These are all the thoughts and justifications running through your head when you’re in class on Tuesday and your phone lights up during the PowerPoint lecture. You glance down, expecting Mike or Hitch, but it’s an unknown number instead. Eyes flicking from the projection screen to your much tinier one, you slide to open the message and chew on your lip. 

 Hey, it’s Zeke. You have classes this afternoon?

 You do not. And, you are too quick to tell him that.

 He takes you to a little Mom and Pop restaurant, too far to walk so you end up riding in the black Bronco he drives, trying to convince yourself that it definitely does not make him any more attractive to you. Because you aren’t attracted to him in the first place. Right?

 You sit at a table for two eating paninis and fruit. Zeke asks how classes are going, you ask about practice, and as you talk, he gets that look in his eyes again, like you amuse him or interest him or something.

 It confuses you, and for a moment, you’re taken back to last fall at that first Pi Kappa Alpha party, the one you met Mike at when he tried to get you to shotgun a beer. God, he had been so obnoxious back then, always following you around and flirting and—

 “You listening, sweetheart?”

 Your eyes refocus on the man in front of you, his raised eyebrows and little smirk. “Looks like you’re a million miles away. Sorry if I’m boring you.”

 “No, no,” you try to defend. “I just zoned out for a second. Realized I, uh, got an answer wrong on the quiz I took today.”

 “That sucks,” he hums. “Anyway, I can stop talking about baseball.”

 “It’s okay. Just go over the last, like, ten seconds,” you say with a laugh, hoping your cheeks will stop burning sooner rather than later.

 Zeke chuckles and does just that, doesn’t seem irritated or put out. He tells you about how he has a new trainer this year to warm him up and make sure his throwing arm is in top shape. “I hope he’s as good as my last. Colt was always on it, knew exactly how hot to make the warm compresses and how cold to make the ice packs. Stuff like that. He learned my needs.”

 You both laugh, and if it was anyone else, you’d have an innuendo sliding off your tongue, but for some reason, you don’t think Zeke would want to hear it, like he’d be unimpressed with your vulgar humor. 

 Back at the college, he drives you to your dorm, explaining that he lives in the apartments on the other side of campus and wouldn’t want to make you walk that far. Then, as you slide out of the Bronco, he stops you with a smooth, “Hey,” that makes you look over your shoulder at him. “Make sure you save my number in your phone, okay? I’ll text you soon.”

 The way your stomach flips is worrisome, a feeling you’re only used to when you’re with…

 “Yeah, okay.”

 He grins widely and nods, then waits for you to get a good distance away from the car before driving off.

 No distractions, you’d said. It’ll be good for your focus, you’d said. 

 What a fucking joke. 

*

Mike has to help you with some homework that weekend. You can hear his smile through the phone, snort when he makes his little nerd jokes, then sigh when he gets to the actual subject and explains it to you without a problem. His brain is incredible, and when you think about it too hard, it makes you warm inside. 

 “You’re so fucking smart. Why don’t you let people know?”

 “Maybe I just want you to know,” he chuckles. “You think I wanna spend my days tutoring every idiot who needs help?”

 “Miche, did you just call me an idiot?”

 You hear another breathy laugh followed by a sigh. “I have many, many names for you, but ‘idiot’ isn’t one of them.”

 “Oh yeah?” You play. “And, what might those other names be?”

 He lists a few, all of them making your face flush and your body tingle, and before you know it, you’ve got your pants off and your fingers between your legs. You can hear Mike’s heavy breathing on the other end, the wet sound of his hand stroking his lubricated cock, and when you reach your climax, you moan out your usual, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, Miche.” 

 He tumbles down right behind you, panting and telling you in a voice of disbelief, “Jesus, it just keeps coming.” It makes the pulses of your orgasm even stronger, remembrance of all the times he’s painted you in white, and God, you are so ready for him to get back to the school.

 Then, there’s the voice in the back of your head that makes you think maybe it’s better that he’s gone for now, that he might not be too pleased that you’re spending time with another guy. But, it’s not like things with Zeke are going anywhere. You wouldn’t even call him a friend. You text on and off, have brunch or lunch or coffee depending on the time of day. 

 And, yeah, he calls you pet names, tells you that you look nice even when you’re just in leggings and a t-shirt, talks about his family and…

 Okay, it could potentially lead to something more, but it’s only been a week, and considering his golden boy status, he could have anyone he wants, so why would he even be interested in you in any way, shape, or form?

 Naturally, your thoughts circle back to Mike and the way he could have any girl on his arm, but he still chooses to spend time with you. To fuck you. To nearly confess his feelings to you. You have to wonder if you’re emitting some kind of scent or beacon, if there’s a sign hanging above your head with an arrow pointing down. Sports gods, come get a piece. 

 If only you’d never gone to that party. If you had just kept your head down like you had freshman year. Your life would be so much easier now.

 But now you’re in Zeke’s apartment listening to him rant about some philosopher you’ve never even heard of. He’s gesturing with his hands, flipping curling, blond bangs from his face, and whenever he pauses to think, he scratches his beard. He’s very fond of the white t-shirts and jeans get-up, sometimes switches it up and wears a button down under a sweater vest. Both looks are becoming of him no matter how much you try to deny it, but when he drops down onto the couch next to you and peers into your god damn soul with those piercing, blue eyes, you have to choke back a dreamy sigh.

 What is happening to you?

 “So, what do you think about it?” He asks, looking hopeful that you might have some insight on this matter.

 But, you simply laugh and shake your head. “Zeke,” you start. “I’m gonna be real honest with you here. I didn’t understand a fucking thing you just said.”

 You assume he’ll be disappointed, maybe tire of you since you can’t be as intellectually stimulating as he’d like you to, but Zeke exhales in a lighthearted sort of way, shows one of those amused smiles, and tells you, “You’re cute.”

 Anyone else and you would have snapped back, something along the lines of, don’t fucking patronize me, but with Zeke, all you can do is stare at him and let your lips part, silently asking for something you won’t speak out loud.

 His gaze moves to your mouth for a split second. That soft smile turns into one of his famous smirks. Then, he’s back on his feet and asking, “You wanna go to dinner?”

 You are more than relieved at the shift in atmosphere, but your heart is still beating too hard as you follow him downstairs and to his car. 

* Summer is passing quickly. Too quickly. The eleven week classes are kicking your ass, or are close to kicking your ass. Lucky for you, you have your own private tutor just a call or text away. Mike helps you, and you laugh and goof around, shoot off innuendo after innuendo, but the phone sex slows to a halt eventually. You tell him that you’re tired, and you are. It isn’t a lie. But, it also isn’t the full truth.

 Between classes when you could be resting, you’re eating out with Zeke. Or, watching him and the rest of the baseball team practice for the upcoming season. Or, sitting in his apartment, watching movies and chatting about all manner of things. Nothing important, of course—there’s no diving deep into your life story like you had done with Mike over Spring Break, but Zeke still learns the little things about you. Why you’re majoring in geosciences and how you became good friends with some of the Pike guys. You don’t give him the full details on that one—that you got blackout drunk and fucked Mike and just couldn’t stop. You don’t think Zeke would be interested in hearing about it anyway.

 You learn a bit about his dad and stepmom, the latter of whom he isn’t very fond of. He also has a little brother who’ll be attending the college starting this fall, and he’s interested in the Greek life. Naturally, you build PKA up. Even if there are some… Problematic people in the house, there are also a lot of really good guys. 

 “I’ll make sure to pass it along to him,” Zeke tells you one evening as you’re both sprawled on the couch, backs against the armrests as you face each other. It’s how he seems to prefer to sit when the TV isn’t on. When you asked him why, he had told you, “Just like looking at you,” and you didn’t know how to respond. You still don’t know how to respond.

 “Eren thinkin’ about joining any sports?” You ask now. “Does baseball run in the family or anything?”

 Zeke snorts. “Kid couldn’t hit a baseball even if it was on one of the t-ball stands.”

 “I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.”

 “I would say he’s more academically inclined, but,” Zeke sighs. “That would be a lie.”

 You can never tell if he actually likes his brother. Most of the time he complains about him, but every once in a while he’ll bring up something cute Eren did as a little boy, and you see a fond glimmer in his light eyes. 

 “Anyway,” Zeke waves off the subject and transitions to a new one—one that makes your stomach drop. “Are you gonna tell Zacharias about us?”

 You choke on your own spit, leaning forward to cough a couple times, then challenge him with a nervous laugh, “I wasn’t aware there was anything to tell him.”

 Zeke tilts his head, mouth pulling up as he raises his eyebrows. “Come on,” he chuckles.

 “Come on, what?” You frown. If you were with Mike, you both would have died at that. Come on my face, you can hear him say, and you have to fight a smile because there’s absolutely no way you could explain that to the man in front of you.

 “You don’t have to play coy, sweetheart. We both know there’s something going on between us.” He says it with such confidence that even if he wasn’t right you wouldn’t be able to argue with him. The assumption should annoy you, should make you scoff and leave, but instead you sit there staring, caught up in his gaze and cocky grin.

 “I—”

 “It’s okay, you know. Not like you’re alone in this.”

 Those questions swim through your mind again, all the insecurities that you’ve been sorting through with Mike, but now that voice is louder because that sense of trust hasn’t formed yet. You’ve only connected with Zeke over meals and movies. It sounds domestic, but despite your apparently obvious attraction to him, you still don’t feel like you really know him. 

 But, he draws you in, like a moth to a flame. You can’t help it. There’s just something about him that makes you want him to like you, like you want to impress him, like you want to be good for him. You’ve been trying to ignore those thoughts, but they’re much harder to fight now that you’re sitting in front of him, taking in his wavy hair and pale blue eyes, that ever present smirk on his face, the curve of his neck that disappears into his shirt.

 He could just want sex. He could just want a fling. Wait for everyone to get back on campus and drop you for another girl. You tell yourself you wouldn’t care; you’re good at keeping things casual.

 Wouldn’t it be fun to be his arm candy for a while, though? Let people look at you and whisper louder than they did when they’d see you and Mike together? You don’t care about status, about being in the spotlight. It’s more for the experience, dating someone who could teach you things.

 Mike teaches you things, that voice pops up again. He’s been helping you with your work for almost a year now. You can’t just overlook that. 

 “What, are you weighing the pros and cons over there or something?”

 You snort. “Maybe. We still don’t really know each other all that well, Zeke.”

 “Might I remind you that we’ve been hanging out all summer? Did you honestly think it wouldn’t lead to anything more?”

 “Honestly,” you mimic, “I never thought you’d be interested.”

 “Why wouldn’t I be?” His brow furrows like he’s genuinely confused. “You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re cute.” 

 God, you can’t even count how many times he’s called you ‘cute’, how many times it’s made you blush over the last several weeks, just like it does now.

 Then, he pushes, “Do you not find me at—”

 “Of course I do,” you cut him off. “I don’t know who doesn’t, which is exactly why I don’t know where this is coming from.”

 Zeke sighs like he’s annoyed, then turns the hand on his thigh palm up and beckons you with two fingers. “Come here.”

 “What?”

 “Come here.”

 Your blood pressure spikes, breaths coming in little puffs that have no way of getting to your brain. It’s probably why you obey, rolling to your knees and clumsily crawling over to him. You stop short, right between his bent knees, but Zeke sits up, straightens his legs, and pulls you into his lap.

 More of that precious air leaves your lungs as you exhale too sharply, staring at him with huge eyes. You don’t know what’s happening, can’t believe it’s happening. It doesn’t feel real even as you rest your hands on his shoulders, even when he holds your hips and pulls you so that your full weight is on him, but fuck, you can’t say anything. You can’t make a sound. All you can do is wait for him to make his next move.

 “Why do you look scared?” His voice is just above a whisper, but at this proximity you can hear him without a problem. 

 “I don’t have a lot of experience sitting in men’s laps,” you manage, trying to keep your usual careless tone, but you doubt it works.

 “For some reason I don’t believe that.”

 You rear back, actually offended. “Excuse m—”

 That ire, however, melts away as quickly as it arose. Zeke slides fingers up your waist, all the way to the back of your neck to bring your face to his—your lips to his. 

 He feels different, not at all what you’re used to. His kiss is more demanding, hungry, and God, you still can’t breathe, can’t think straight because his tongue is moving past your lips, and you’re letting it, letting him taste you as your fingertips dig into the flesh of his shoulders. You lift yourself from him just a little only for Zeke to pull you back down with the hand still gripping your hip. He makes sure you feel him when he grinds up into you, the zipper of his jeans rubbing you through your little shorts so that you gasp into his mouth. 

 You both stay like that for what feels like a fucking eternity, biting and sucking on lips, stroking over each others’ tongues until you absolutely have to break apart. You’re panting now, body still tense on top of his, and Zeke stares at you with half-lidded eyes and shows the ghost of a smile.

 “Oh, I’m gonna have so much fun with you.”

 The statement sets you on fire, so much so that all you can do is whimper quietly and lean in for more. 

  And, as you get lost in Zeke Jaeger, you decide for yourself.

I need to tell Mike

[ next ]

[ps-i-dont-even-know]

Devil may cry parent headcanons

Dante

He probably is a fun dad but at the same time don't leave your kids with him, it would be a disaster

Will wake up to crying at 12 am and try to put the kid back to sleep, ends up with both of them watching tv instead

This man will do anything with your kid, they want to go to the park, sure he'll have to keep an eye on them. They want to see the movies, sure has to be below pg or he will never hear the end of it from the nightmares his kids have. Want to go to the zoo, sure he just needs to make sure they don't go into the exhibit.

He will play dress up and tea time with them. He will put on a dress and have them do his makeup just so he can go to tea time, and might start some beef with Mr teddy for stealing his cupcakes, but he will do it proudly.

He will try to do their hair in the morning for school, again he is not the best at it and will probably give them crooked pigtails, he's trying he really is.

Can't cook for shit, I'm sorry if you think he could cook please take a look at all the pizza box stored around his shop. Like he will take cooking lessons or watch cooking shows but dear god how do you set fire to milk.

He will always be there for his kid to vent even if he doesn't know how to respond he will sit and let them rant about stuff, also trying to cheer them up because he doesn't want to see them sad

If they brought their homework to him he would be confused he can barely pay his bills i don't think he knows how to do math, but drama he will rock that stuff his acting skills are on point even if it's cheesy

Will waste all his money on the kid, toys, clothes, video games, you name it he will buy it and give to the kid

Remember how I said not to leave your kid alone with Dante yeah, he may or may noteave his weapons/devilarms around for the kids to grab them, like halfway of Dante walking into the main room and he sees ebony in his kids mouth he tricksters all the way to them and quickly grab ebony before anything bad happens, but the kid will start crying and he has to find something for them to mess with or he'll get a headache

He accidently devil triggered in front of his kid now depending on which one he get two responses and he's expecting screaming for both, but if its regular dt like humanish looking one, "woah, dad grew scales and wings, are you a lizard king?" Now its his Sin Dt he would get "Oo, daddys a gaint dragon" for both case they will proceed to touch his scales? And will be all over him trying to climb him to the point he literally has to switch out of dt so they don't get hurt. Also he's a heat source for winter if the heating doesn't get paid for.

If his kid comes out as any of the lgbtq+ he would be supportive and loves them for who they are, I also see him being apart of it too.(I know a few people see him as asexual I do too, as well as bisexual)

Vergil

Look this guy probably has no clue what he's doing, even if we wish he could've taken care of Nero (at least I do) he didn't and now he has another kid to take care

Please help him hold the baby, he can't properly do it at all, he's just holding them by their chest and staring at them with confusion as the child cry, "why won't they stop screaming?"

He will get the hang of taking care of the kid, but please don't leave him alone with them for long he still has no clue what he's doing half the time

"Hey can I hang out with (insert name) at the mall?", "Do I know their mom?", "Uh, no", "Do I know their dad?", "No" Then that settles it, you can't go", "But-", "No buts, if I don't know their parents you can't go, and that's finale"

Can he cook, probably but he's been in hell for most of his life and doesn't know what he's doing half the time. Thank god for cooking shows and book he at least tries a learn how to cook, and doesn't burn anything unlike someone else

He will read the kids William Blake or other bed time stories before bed time, and will do activities where they try to make up poems he has to thank Nero for the idea

Speak of Nero, if Vergil has a mission he will leave his kids with him, he's not trusting Dante at all. Nero absolutely loves his step siblings even if their like a few years younger than him, they will either play with the other kids at the orphanages or play Nero which consist of Video games, sometimes sword fights if they beg long enough, or just talk about the stuff their dad and uncle does that are stupid and make fun of them for it.

Also that one dad to try and help with math homework but makes the kid cry because they don't understand the problem and he's yelling at them "What's 2 x 2?" Its traumatizing please someone tell him to cool it or his kid is going to have problems when it comes to yelling and math, also complains how he didn't learn it that way as a kid, I promise you he was homeschooled.

Now his kids can vent to him but he has no clue what to do nor have much good advice but he will give what he knows even if it's not the best.

This can go many ways, this man know his kid is getting bullied he will go down to the school with the Yamato and threaten someone's life, give his kid the sword for them to deal with it instead, or use some brain cells and deal with it like civil people and we hope he chooses the last one

Now he's a little careful with his devil trigger and doesn't want to scare his kids, but its by accident really and he expects screaming, just like Dante he gets two responses. Regular dt and I'm going off of 4 because I don't think he has one in dmc5, "Dad, why didn't you tell me/us your secretly a bug, don't worry well keep you away from shoes." If its Sin Dt, "Wow, your a dragon this whole time, does this mean I'm also a dragon, where do you keep your stashed gold?", I feel like for his regular dt they will sometimes smack him with a fyswatter and he has to turn out of his sin dt quickly because they want to mess with the fire coming out of him.

If his kids come out as lgbtq+ he will be supportive and a little confused because he has no clue what it is. They have to explain what it means and what their sexuality means, he'll still be supportive and loves his kids no matter what they are

Nero

Out of Vergil and Dante, he's probably the one who knows more about taking care of kids since he grew up with them in an orphanage and takes care of them

I feel he's like a mix between Dante and Vergil, Fun dad but will put his foot down on somethings

If its a girl you bet he will go out to a store at whatever time it is and buy then pad/tampon when their monthly comes no questions asked he just knows. If its a dude he will give the talk, not just protection but what not to do, like when a girl tells him to stop he needs to stop, no advancing on or anything like that (I feel like the no advancing will also go for the girl)

Doesn't do favoritism, he hates that stuff since he technically dealt with it as a kid, if one kid ask why he loves the other more than them he will shut that down quickly and tell them he loves them equally and will move moons for them to both be happy

Best cook hands down, and will let his kids help if they want to but keeps them away from sharp objects. He will also take them out to dinner if he doesn't want to cook

He's decent with homework, and goes about it in a fun learning experience for the both of them, if they get an answer right they get a point that they can trade for something special later kne, if they get it wrong they will go over it again, but still get a point because no favoritism. He also help make a volcano, but also put a little extra pizzazz to it, and might have caused the whole kitchen to be a different color now.

His kids can vent to him, he will understand and try to help give advice for some issues, also takes them out of the house to do something they want to do to cheer them up

He will encourage his kids to follow what they want to do, play a sport? He will show up to every game, even if that means giving Dante his mission he will. A club? He will make sure they have everything they need for that club and be on time for it, be it art, book, yearbook, student council, etc. They want to do boy scout/girl scout, he will make sure he gets them a vest and help put pins on as well. He will be the number one supportive dad

As soon as his kid comes to him crying about how some other kid is bullying them he will be mad, he'll reassuring his kid that they are amazing first, then go to the school, if they don't do anything he will go straight to the parent and make sure that their kid doesn't mess with his anymore.

Will watch anime with them, if they agree that is don't want your dad into your stuff. But like he's absolutely into it, he seems like the person to like Bleach (this was not intentional I complete forgot that the voice actor for Nero also did Ichigo) or Cowboy Bebop. Maybe sailor moon but you won't hear him say it

Look he's really new to the devil trigger business, the only thing close he had was that ghost creature, so keeping this thing in check and not popping up randomly is hard. His kids reaction are, "You hair is longer, are you like rapunzel, oh wait you have wings and a crown your an angel. Oh can I braid your hair please," of course he will let them braide his hair he can't say no to a pouting face, they also will poke his wings to see if their real.

He will definitely support his kid if their aprat of the lgbtq+, will buy them flags, merch, you name it. He want his kid to feel safe and loved

Lady and Trish

Look I can't separate these two, when I first saw them I thought they were girlfriends, and I can't let that go. But these two would definitely be the fun and protective mom

So considering Trish and Lady are both females they definitely have to adopt of course, now Lady may not know if its half demon or full, but Trish does and she probably would help the kid when they get older since she knows about the demon body considering she has one, if its human Lady knows the most about the stuff going on when they get older and has I already planned out.

Now Lady has to be the protective mom because the shit happen with her dad she definitely doesn't want anything bad to happen to their kid, and Trish is like you do you kid if you get hurt you learn from it "its the demon way of raising" she says. Though she still will watch over them and make sure they don't get themselves severely hurt

They will buy their kid anything, and take them out shopping. It's like a spin the wheel of pay to see if they will pay for the stuff or put it under Dante's name for shits and giggles

Lady has to like keep her weapons locked up somewhere safe, unlike Dante, she's more careful with her weapons

If their kid is mad or something Trish will take them to some deserted area with some random stuff she found that isn't in use and have their kid throw it in the air so she can blow it up with her lighting, you know to blow steam off

Trish or Lady tell their kid the stupidest thing Dante has done or said, if they visit Dante please note one will scream if Dante says something about a soul, "I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with Light" and get the voice crack right too, he will look so embarrassed

Now Trish might not know anything about homework she'll support the best she can but Lady knows most of the stuff and will help.

Trish will tell their king everything about Hell, who's in charge, what creatures are there, the history of it all. Its a great learning experience until you tell them that the female demons kill the male after finishing mating

If they are out in public and some guy is hitting on their kid and their tell him no, protective mom mode is on. Mostly Lady has to stop Trish from frying thr guy, but Lady will give the man a price of her mind saying if he tries to do this shit again with her kid he will be going home with a foot straight up his ass. So now no man tries to hit on her

Definitely let the kids go venting to them, they give the best cuddled, some good advice, and shopping if they say someone's bullying them they will see that the parent deals with their kid.

They knew their kid was apart of lgbtq+, of course their supportive of who they are, they are dating of course. They will take them to a pride march in June

Kyrie

Look, LOOK, she is an amazing mom, so caring but also will put her foot down on somethings

Besides Nero she is a good cook and baker, while she doesn't want kids in the kitchen while she's cooking will will have them help with baking sweet

Reads bedtime stories and tucks her kids in and kiss goodnight (ugh my heart hurts I love this)

She will play video games with her kids mostly on the wii, she still the champion on Mario Kart and Just Dance no one has taken their spot yet, even Nero tries

Packs lunch for her kids and puts a note in it telling them that she loves them and hope they have the best day

She does worry about them from time to time when they go over a friends house, only because of what happened to her brother and then Nero she doesn't want anything to happen to her kids

Tells them not to climb the tree in their backyard, what does one of them do, they climb it and accidently falls down. She goes to them saying "You know I told you not to do it, and you did it anyways, you need to be more careful and listen to me. I'm not doing this because I'm being uptight I'm doing this for your safety I want you to be able to do the things you want in the future"

I feel like she's the same way with friends like Vergil, if she doesn't know the parents then you can't go out or over their house

She is really a good listener and help with advice, so venting to her is a really great idea also will ask about your feelings and how your doing someday, like she knows your in a sad mood

She also good with homework, I feel like she wanted to become a teacher as well as study for it, but instead stuck with taking care of orphans, so she probably homeschools her kids too

She also makes the kids clothes time to time, they have little sweaters or shirts that are soft and comfortable

She is so supportive of her kids if they come out lgbtq+, she doesn't care as long as their happy thats all that matters.

Nico

Now I love Nico amazing and pretty girl but don't leave a child with her, just like Dante it will be a disaster, but she probably would try to be a better parent than her since he technically wa this weird freaky man who experimented on demons or was weird.

Let's start with teaching the kid every swear word she knows and tells them to go up to Nero call him one of those names, she will hear her name being screamed and find an angry Nero going over to her as she burst into fits of laughter

Will be extra pair of arms when getting a tool they need for fixing the van, when Nero does understand what a Dohicky is

I think Nico can cook, its decent not bad or good, she did nearly burn the van down from trying to cook turkey.

She will try and cut back on smoking or at least not doing it when the kid is around because its bad for them, Nero scoffs because she nags him when he tells her to stop, but not her kids

Now her kids could bring homework to her, like he's good in math, engineering, and probably biology, but she'll act as if she never even seen the stuff in her life, because she wants to get her learn it and not her just giving them the answer. But if their kid is in a science fair I bet she will help make something totally child friendly(its not really), it kind of gets her and her kid ban from doing anymore science fairs.

She will teach then everything she knows about Demon, mostly the biology of it, and when Nero brings a demon part for his breakers, she goes in explain how she turns them into those.

Will tease her kids if they talk about their crush, she's a huge teaser so saying something about someone they really like or anything its a mistake, she will embarrass them in front of their crush, but she means well

If they try to change the channel of the radio she swats their hand saying the driver picks the music and the passenger has to sit and listen.

If she's busy with something she will let Nero and Kyrie babysit her kids, she trust them and the kids love Nero and Kyrie.

Tries to teach her kids how to drive when their of age to learn, but Nero and Kyrie won't let her considering how she drives and that the instructor is more legal to do it.

No but she will tease her kid a bit if they come out lgbtq+ too, of course she supportive I kind of see her being apart of lgbtq+ as well

*Bonus because it seemed reasonable to just put this one here like this*

Nero, Dante, Vergil, Lady, Trish, Nico

They will teach their kid self defense, and how to use a weapon. While they rather their kids have a normal life instead of a demon hunter for many reasons, they at least want their kid to take care of themselves if they find themselves in a situation where their life is on the line

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #793: After the Confrontation (Super Smash Bros Ultimate)

4:25 p.m. at the Smash Mansion's Living Room.......

Ren: Well.......That all happened.

Makoto: I had no idea that confrontation has gotten so intense....

Pit: Yeahhhh.....Our moms can be pretty scary when they want to be....

Kirby: (Nodded in Agreement) Poyo Poyo.

Morgana: I'm just surprised they've actually managed to bring that Kazuya guy down on his knees.

Ren: (Starts Snickering a Little) I know, right? Who would've the the big and bad devil man would get himself whipped that easily?

Makoto: ('Sigh') I'm sure he has a reason for acting the way he did, Ren...... Speaking of which.....(Turns to Futuba and Lavenza, Who Are Still Looking at Kazuya From the Distance) What his he doing now, girls?

Futuba: He's still on his knees!

Lavenza: And I believe he is apologizing his deceased mother in tears and agony!

Ryuji: (Immediately Realizes Something) Ooooooooh! That's right. His mom, Kazumi!

Shiho: You know, I almost kinda forgotten about her entirely to be honest.....

Ann: (Raised an Eyebrow in Confusion) What about his mom exactly?

Ryuji: (Turns to Ann) Okay so, back when Kazuya was a little kid, Heihachi killed her while they were fighting, with an iron fist.

Ann: (Eyes Immediately Starts to Widened in Shock) WHAT!? Why!?

Shiho: Well, in her prospective, she thought that Heihachi and Kazuya would go down a dark path in future. That and she was kinda, sort of destined to kill her husband by the Hachijo Clan.

Ryuji: So before she asked Akuma, of all people, to try and kill Kazuya and Heihachi when the time comes, she decided to deal with her husband herself. Needless to say, it..... really didn't work out for her in the end.

Shiho: Yeah. And the crazy thing about all of this is that her death caused all the other crazy events that happened afterwards. Like how Heihachi overthrown his father of CEO of Mishima Zaibatsu and then throwing Kazuya off a cliff afterwards when he was five or six at time.

Ryuji: Which also caused Kazuya to throw him off a cliff after he won the first Tekken tournament. Buuuuuut Heihachi dropped him down on an active volcano in the second tournament..

Shiho: And then when he starts training his son, Jin, at the time, he betrayed him by having himself and his army shoot at him. Only to get knocked out of a wall thanks to the Devil Gene Jin has when I think he was younger at the time?

Ryuji: Doesn't really help the fact that when the guy beaten Jinpachi in fifth tournament years later and became the new head the corporation, he SOMEHOW caused a literal worldwide war in the process. And I don't even think he knows why he caused it either at this point.other than avenging his ma or whatever.

Ann: (Couldn't Believe What She's Hearing Right Now) ....................What the hell is wrong with these people!?

Shiho: (Simply Shrugs) Being apart of the Mishima Bloodline can do a lot of crazy things for the most part.

Ryuji: No kidding. Can't imagine being apart of a mess up family like that one....

Pit: (Sighs as He Slouches Down on the Floor) Honestly......I'm just glad that this whole Kazuya fiasco is finally done and over with now..... I'm beat.

Kirby: (Slouches Down on the Floor as Well) Poyo....

Peach: Pit. Kirby. (Walks in the Living With All the Other Certified Moms and Ganondorf Following Behind her) We need to talk, sweethearts.

Pit: (Turns to See Palutena is Still in Tears) Mom? Are you okay?

Palutena: (Tries Calming Herself Down While Wiping the Tears Away) Yeah....('Sniff') I'm okay. I-I'm just....('Sniff') So happy....and blessed... that you're finally home and safe!! (Immediately Rushes Over to the Duo and Hugs him Lovingly) Why did you two had go out there alone at night? ('Sniff') Why didn't you tell anyone of US about it beforehand!? We could've helped too....

Pit: I-It's not like we didn't want you guys to come or anything! We just thought you guys and everyone already has headed to bed. So Kirby and I decided to head out and find Ganondorf. To see if he's okay and stuff.

Ganondorf: (Looks Down at Pit and Kirby) While I appreciate the care and concern, I'd be more happy if you two stayed home instead. (Starts Gritting his Teeth a Bit in Anger) Especially after what the devil breed bastard did to the three of us-

Daisy: (Glares at Ganondorf While Smacking Him on the Shoulder) Ganon. Language. Children!

Ganondorf: Ah. Right. ('Clears Throat') My mistake. (Starts Crossing his Arms) But regardless, my point still stands. (Turns Back to Pit and Kirby) You didn't have to go looking me out in the streets alone at night.

Pit: (Lowers his Head Down in Shame) I know..... We're sorry.....

Kirby: (Lowers his Head Down as Well) Poyo Poyo........

Bayonetta: Oh darlings.....(Make her Way to the Trio and Join in on Their Group Hug) We're not mad at either at you for what happened. Nor are we ever going to punish you for it. We're just worried about your safety is all.

Peach: That's right. (Tears Starts Coming Out From her Eyes) ('Sniff') Our hearts would be broken in pieces if anything terrible would've happen to you two. So please don't ever scare us like that again, okay?

Pit: (Quickly Nodded his Head Along With Kirby) Yes, ma'am. We promise to be more careful next time too!

Palutena: And Pit.

Pit: (Turns Back to Palutena) Yes, mom?

Palutena: (Turns to Pit With a Teary Yet Motherly Look on her Face) I don't ever want you think that you're "Pathetic" or "worthless" from this day forward. Because you're neither of those things. (Place Two of Her Hands on to Both of Pit's Cheeks You've worked very hard be the angel you are today and I couldn't be anymore proud.

Pit: You..... really mean that?

Palutena: (Smiles Softly While Tears Starts Falling Down Again) Of course I do, sweetie....('Sniff') You're my baby boy and I love you so much. ('Sniff') Always and forever more.....

Pit: M-Mom, I.....I......('Sniff') I-I-I.....

And with that, Pit finally begins to burst out in tears in two of his mothers arms. All while being blessed and thankful that he and Kirby are still alive and that they are back home with the group of people they love and cherish for the rest of their lives.

@keyenuta

@princekirijo

@caleb13frede

@cyber-wildcat

@26shann

@albion-93

@ma-lemons

[theuntamednarrator]

Thank you @mika--82​ for the question! I’m sorry it took so long but since I really enjoyed plotting out my Cangse Sanren lives au, and I think a lot about the women in The Untamed who didn't get to see their children grow up, strap in for round two of TB Revives the Mothers of the Untamed. This week's episode: Save Mama Lan by killing Lan Qiren \^.^/

(Many thanks to @drwcn​ for letting me borrow her hc names for Mama Lan (Qui Baiti) and Papa Lan (Lan Cenrong). You can read more about them on her blog here and here.)

(Warning for an unsuccessful suicide attempt)

QBT has been isolated in the Jingshi for a decade. She only sees her sons once a month, she isn’t allowed her sword, and her spiritual power is kept sealed

But LWJ inherited his stubbornness from his mum and she's determined to escape, one way or another

LQR is walking by the Jingshi when he feels a massive surge of energy and breaks his first ever Discipline (no running in Cloud Recesses)

He wrenches the Jingshi door open and sees an array that wouldn't look out of place two decades in the future in an alternate universe in a dingy shed behind Mo Manor

LQR breaks his second Discipline in as many minutes (do not make excessive noise) when he screams for his brother before he grabs QBT and drags her out of the array

LQR didn't have time to think, let alone study what the effects of that might be, all he knew was that it was killing her, and that her death would kill the brother he loves more than anything else

The backlash strikes him and he keels over

QBT gathers him up, sobbing and asking why he did it, she wanted to die, why did you do it Lan-er-gongzi? what were you thinking? Your brother loves you

LQR meets his brother’s eyes as he appears over her shoulder, the terrified disciples flanking him a white blur

He smiles and says I know

Curtains on LQR

(alternatively, we can just kill JGS again because ngl that was real satisfying the first time around)

Now the Elders are in a pickle because this may have been an accident but QBT has now been responsible for the deaths of an Elder and Second Young Master Lan

It's decided that the only option is exile

QBT is forbidden from setting foot in Cloud Recesses and the territories of Gusu Lan for ten year and forbidden from speaking to any Lan disciple during that time

She bows, accepts back the plain sword she had yielded when she came through the gates to be married, and is gone before the dawn. LCR watches her leave and then goes to wake their sons

Now, QBT was a wandering cultivator long before she was Lan-furen and actually really enjoys returning to life on the road

I wandered once! I can do it again!

Five years later she meets XXC battling a ferocious demon snake and together they defeat it

QBT definitely doesn’t feel her heart beat a little faster at the youthful face, white robes, and elegant jade-and-silver sword

She answers XXC's graceful bow with one of her own and the two spend a week clearing out the fierce nests of demons on the mountain

The next time their wandering brings them together she is introduced to my good friend Song Lan and hides her smile in her sleeve

Meanwhile in Cloud Recesses without LQR to pick up the slack LCR is forced to step out of seclusion and actually run his sect and parent his children

He does a very good job

QBT has to fight back proud tears every time she hears Twin Jades of Lan spoken of with awe

Ten years to the day of her exile QBT is grinning as she climbs the long flights of stairs towards the gates of Cloud Recesses

Part of that might be the entertaining company she walks with

A young man clutching two bottles of Emperor's Smile and talking so fast she’s only half listening while she tries to figure out if he’s actually taken a breath since introducing himself

Talking at breakneck speed of the young master who had been so strict with him at the gates, aiya Auntie! He was so cold! you should have seen his stony face

QBT only grins harder as WWX climbs the wall, is challenged, and blades flash over tiles (it might bring back fond memories of her own youth)

She slips over the wall while they are distracted and once WWX is silenced she reaches out her hand

You handle your sword beautifully, may I?

LWJ can't even say why - it's too dark to see her face and the voice is roughened after 10 years on the road - but he hands Bichen over without a second thought

She sighs as she runs a finger over the blade and the steel glows, lighting up her face (solely because I think glowy Bichen is very sexy and we should have had more of it in the drama honestly)

Bichen suits you better than it ever suited me, ZhanZhan 

LWJ is emoting all over the place (so embarrassing)

(luckily his back is to WWX because if baby disaster bi WWX saw that smile he would've died on the spot)

WWX of course is still a troublemaking rule breaker and LWJ is still charged with overseeing his punishment

QBT and LXC are united in their LWJ should make friends agenda and LXC inherited his sense of humour and delight for teasing LWJ from QBT

Between the two of them LWJ soon has more friends than he knows what to do with

QBT and LXC co-captain the good ship Wangxian

Of course plot stuff still happens including accidental-marriage-before-a-Quest-Ghost

XXC and SL meet them in Yueyang and when LWJ introduces himself they're thrilled because hey we know your mum! she’s real cool!

They don't trust the clans and they might've heard of NMJ but they know Qui-jiejie and they trust her and so they decide XY will go to Cloud Recesses for judgement

N-wow the twin jades are really deserving of their reputations-HS insists on a Qinghe representative going too

oh me? no no Wei-xiong this has been quite enough adventure for me. Meng Yao you'll go won't you? Dage trusts you and Lan-gongzi admired your *delicate cough* capability *innocent smile*

my.blush.com/embarrassed/yearning agrees

QBT is delighted to see XXC and SL again and happily introduces them to her elder son

SL and LXC almost immediately get into a heated debate over ahistorical fantasy chinese philosophy and/or politics and are instantly bonded

QBT may or may not have instigated said debate with a well-timed quote from a well-known (re: divisive) text

Basically QBT shares my get LXC more friends agenda

SL is, again, the first person (apart from LXC and his parents) to laugh at LWJ's jokes

WWX still refuses to believe this actually happened (the joke and SL laughing) (XXC swears it’s true)

XY is locked in the back hills and eventually a) dies trying to use his hidden piece of the yin iron to break the seals OR b) is rehabilitated by the power of bunnies and become an outer disciple (reader's choice!)

XXC and SL accompany WWX and JC part of the way to Lotus Pier

Cloud Recesses is attacked, QBT and LCR send LXC and MY away with the sacred texts, MY promising he knows somewhere safe to hide

LWJ refuses to leave his parents. The losses are not as bad as in canon, the Wen are beaten back, but LCR and LWJ are both injured

No Good Very Bad Summer Camp with World's Worst Head Counselor WC

No Good Very Bad Turtle Cave of Love

WWX wakes post-rescue with LWJ still there

(Because his parents are holding Cloud Recesses and he knows LXC is safe so he doesn't need to rush off)

JZX, JC, LWJ, and WWX spend a day planning before they split up

(this is hilarious and JC says "fuck" not less than 219 times)

(WWX only almost punches JZX and it only happens twice honestly people should be grateful! he was so restrained!!)

They all return home, LWJ promising to bring reinforcements from Cloud Recesses to Lotus Pier (because it's the most obvious next target. no other reason. just. strategically it makes sense)

WQ sends WN to Lotus Pier to warn WWX when WZL's forces are on their way

When the Wen attack, they're met with a prepared force of 1) YZY and the Jiang Disciples 2) QBT, LWJ, and a contingent of Lan Disciples AND 3) JC and WWX and a gaggle of archers (seriously why tf show the Jiang being so good and then only give us two archery fight scene moments and it’s heart breaking sixth young master jiang dying and some rando ouyang disciple shooting WWX?)

Things get a little hairy but between YZY and QBT they defeat WZL and the rest of the Wen quickly surrender

JFM and JYL arrive just as the battle is ending, escorted by Madam Jin, JZX, LQY, and all the Jin Disciples who were at Cloud Recesses

(WWX: MianMian you came you must have been so worried about me! LQY, ignoring him: Lan-er-gongzi are you okay? WWX: ah Lan Zhan you MianMian really likes you! that’s lucky! LWJ, screaming internally: mn)

(JGS was furious when JZX announced he was joining the campaign but what could he possibly say in front of his battle ready wife without looking like the utter coward of a wet biscuit he is)

Once again WWX is left with a screaming sword, too much curiosity, and too much time on his hands (due to his adopted family being not-dead)

But worse he has now also access to a woman who created an array powerful enough to kill even with her spiritual power sealed

Poor WRH doesn't stand a chance, even without MY spying for the Sunshot Campaign

After the battle QBT&LCR and YZY&JFM shut JGS's bullshit power grab down real quick and JGS sulks like the baby he is (probably in a brothel) while Madam Jin and JZX take over Lanling Jin

JZX hears about MY and the way he helped LXC and NMJ sends a letter of support and JZX is already quite jealous of all these sibling bonds and welcomes Ziyao with open arms

(All of which goes slightly to waste when JZY marries out to the Lan clan slightly less than a year later but hey, at least it's a good alliance.)

WQ takes over the Wen Clan but tears down Nightless City and relocates the capital to Dafan

(WQ: have you been to Nightless City? It’s built on an active volcano. Do you know how bad sulfur ash is for open wounds? Do you know what medical herbs grow in lava slurry? None is the answer. My family are all fucking morons)

(WQ: Not you a-Ning you’re a delight and we’re thrilled you’re here)

Rumour has it a certain immortal was so impressed with the stories of the medical techniques of Dafan Wen that she paid WQ a visit

(Disciples are so reckless after all! One never knows when one might need to be capable of transplanting vital organs!)

Each year WWX and LWJ spend 3 months at Gusu, 3 months at Lotus Pier, and 6 months wandering with XXC and SL

They get "fake married" no less than four times in three years (for the investigation xiongzhang! absolutely no other reason shishu! no other reason at all!) before LXC, MY, XXC, and SL get fed up and barricade them in their room until they talk to each other dammit

(LXC is very grateful MY has gotten so handy with the silencing talismans because the 'conversation' gets uncomfortably loud real quick)

Side note to say Clarity works very well to avert a qi deviation when it's not being actively corrupted, thanks very much, and NMJ lives many, many, many years which would be entirely happy if only NHS would pick up his saber once in a while

He would tell NHS this if he could ever find him

Happy ending!³

[bltngames]

Review: Super Mario Sunshine

Super Mario Sunshine is a weird game for a lot of different reasons. It was among some of the first game reviews I ever wrote for the internet, for one, all the way back in 2005. I was proud enough of that review that when it came time to relaunch TSSZ News in 2008, it was one of five archived reviews I transplanted on to the site. It was also a strange case where I became convinced it was a game I’d never play, originally. I was 23 years old, with no job, no money, and no prospects. I was desperate to play the game that was being sold as the sequel to Super Mario 64, but I could not envision a future where that would ever be possible.

Eventually, I reached my breaking point. Earlier that same year, somebody had linked me to something called “Quake Done Quick.” It was attached to a relatively new site, called the “Speed Demos Archive”, a hub for videos of people finishing games as fast as possible. The site was small, updated manually, and featured a list of roughly 100 games -- maybe less. This was before Youtube, so these were downloadable video files, usually in AVI or MPG format. And it was here that they had a Super Mario Sunshine speedrun. Even on my fledgling broadband internet, it took a considerable amount of time to download. But, with nothing more than two hours of raw, unedited, uncommentated gameplay footage, I watched a user named “Dragorn” play through the entire game (his old run is still viewable on the Internet Archive). Watching a speedrunner flip, spin, and trick his way across levels, I became convinced that Sunshine was incredible.

A few months later, I was surprised by my brother with $200 for Christmas, stuffed inside a greeting card. He said it was for “all the Christmases he missed” since moving out, years ago. Combined with other money I’d received in gifts, I headed to a Gamestop and purchased a Gamecube with my own (used) copy of Super Mario Sunshine. In my mind, it did not matter that I had spoiled the entire game for myself only three months earlier with the speedrun video. Watching someone else play is no substitute for a controller in your own hands. I needed to play it for myself.

In the modern context, Super Mario Sunshine is one of the games attached to the recently released Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection. Full disclosure: I will not be buying this collection, and I have not played the version of Super Mario Sunshine it includes. It’s not that these games are bad, but even from the outside looking in, the collection looks underwhelming. It’s full of basic, bare-bones ports of games that deserve more. But it does mean that these games have been on my mind, particularly Super Mario Sunshine, which I finished replaying, separately, a little more than one year ago. It was the first time I’d finished the game since that fateful Christmas of 2004, and it provided a refresh in perspective.

The truth of the matter is, brushing aside everything else about it, Super Mario Sunshine is an easy game to hate. Nintendo was trying a lot of new things with the Gamecube, struggling to figure out what could be done with the leap in horsepower over the Nintendo 64. Their pitch was a Mario that was subtly more serious and realistic. Sunshine is a game with a surprisingly large number of cinematics, and a considerable amount of narrative setup. It sounds like a joke, but it’s true: the game opens with Mario taking a long-deserved vacation on a tropical island, only to be arrested and wrongfully accused of crimes he did not commit. He is sentenced to community service, forced to clean the island of a paint-like substance its residents claim he has used to vandalize their resort town. This is accomplished with the F.L.U.D.D., a backpack-mounted squirt gun perfect for washing down walls and floors. It was the first manual labor he’d been shown doing since the NES version of Wrecking Crew in 1985.

It’s odd territory for Mario, but it leads to the game’s first real problem: Plot. Sunshine is not a game that’s packed with story -- there aren’t a lot of named characters, and there aren’t a lot of genuine story arcs to get hooked in to, but it’s way more than you got in most Mario games. Regardless, the influence of a narrative structure is definitely felt within its levels. One of the benefits of Super Mario 64 is that there was no set order to anything; you might drop in to a level with a specific goal in mind, only to accidentally stumble on to something else. You were encouraged to follow your curiosity, collecting stars more through natural exploration. Even though it’s not always obvious on the surface, the objectives in Super Mario Sunshine are following a specific plotline, which means flat, rigid linearity.

So you might reach an amusement park area, but you can’t go inside until you finish the mission where you open the front gates. Even once you re-enter the level for the next mission inside the amusement park, exploring its various rides will be a moot point, as the game will want you to focus on a specific goal instead. Want to ride the rollercoaster? Too bad, the story dictates it’s not available yet. Though you still have that go-anywhere, do-anything world design from Super Mario 64, the current mission is the only thing that’s ever active. Another example: at the beginning of the game, you open up the first stage -- Bianco Hills. Even though you have a whole village and a sizable lake area to explore, there’s little to do out there, because your mission is about reaching the bottom of the windmill. The second mission, again, doesn’t involve the village or the lake, but now asks you to reach the top of the same windmill in order to fight the game’s first boss, Petey Piranha. And so it goes: big zones to explore, but most of it useless as Sunshine slowly trickles out objectives one at a time, following a barely-visible narrative that drags everything down.

Nintendo had other intentions for the game, too. The company was known for taking its time with game releases -- Super Mario World released in 1990, and it took six years for Super Mario 64 to follow it up. Even once a game was announced, there were often months or even years of delays as the game got pushed back, and back, and back, as with Ocarina of Time. Similarly long waits happened for many of Nintendo’s other flagship franchises (Super Mario Kart, Super Metroid, etc.), and the peanut gallery was getting restless. With the release of the Gamecube, Nintendo made a vow to explore other avenues to release more games, more quickly.

The problem was, all of those delays are exactly what lead to Nintendo’s extremely high bar of quality. Rushing these games out the door meant cutting corners and finding easy ways to tack on extra play time, skipping necessary fine tuning. In The Wind Waker, this notoriously led to the last fourth of the game, wherein you must find and decode maps to dredge up half a dozen pieces of the magical Triforce. For most, this meant hours of sailing out to random, completely featureless areas in the middle of the open ocean hoping to find a single golden tortilla chip. “Tedious” is putting it kindly, but it saved Nintendo from having to delay the game too many times in order to add more in-depth content.

In Super Mario Sunshine, this manifested in a degree of repetition that is difficult to ignore. In both Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Galaxy, most mission objectives are unique. There are occasional repeated missions, like finding 8 red coins, but by and large it's things like rescuing a baby penguin, opening a pyramid, assaulting an airship, or finding your way through a gravity-bending maze. There's enough variety that you don't notice as much when you're asked to do yet another one of Galaxy's purple coin comets.

Sunshine still has unique goals like that, but they are much fewer and farther between. Instead, the bulk of the game is filled with doing the same four or five missions over, and over, and over again. Finding fruit to hatch Yoshi or hunting red coins can be fun occasionally, but Sunshine often makes you do this stuff multiple times per level. Most bosses also must be faced at least twice, sometimes up to three times, and very little changes from fight to fight. And then there are the races -- a man named Piantissimo is waiting for you in most stages, looking to race you to an arbitrary landmark, and every single level has one penultimate mission where you must chase down the hero's evil doppelganger, Shadow Mario. It’s padding, basically, and thanks to a tenuous grip on narrative, there’s few ways to skip the things you don’t want to do.

This isn't even touching on the game's blue coins. They're one of Sunshine's rarer collectibles, and ten blue coins can be traded at the shop for a single Shine Sprite (the main item central to the story). The majority of blue coins can be found by hosing down graffiti found around the island. Spray a circle-shaped pattern on one wall, and a blue coin pops out of another circle-shaped pattern on the opposite side of the level, which you must run to and collect before it disappears. Then, the opposite: spray down the second pattern, and another blue coin will appear back where the first graffiti used to be. In a game full of rerun objectives, this is the worst offender. Rarely are these blue coin graffiti spots interesting or challenging; they primarily exist to fill space and fluff up the Shine counter.

The level concepts themselves also suffer from this repetition. In any other Mario game, “tropical island” would be one theme among many other level types, like deserts, volcanoes and frozen lakes. Sunshine tries to stretch its one theme out to last an entire game, and in practical terms, this means that even after 18 years and two complete playthroughs (three, if you count the speedrun video), I still can’t remember most areas in any kind of specific detail. I remember a couple stage names, maybe a few environmental traits (like the hotel at sunset or the amusement park), but anything beyond that and it all starts blurring into homogeneous beaches, docks, and villages. Even the music -- beyond the iconic acoustic guitar of the Delfino Plaza hub world song, absolutely nothing about Super Mario Sunshine’s soundtrack stands out as memorable in the slightest. Every part of this game plays, looks and sounds like every other part in the worst way possible.

And yet, through some miracle, Super Mario Sunshine does not come out the other end being a bad game. It’s not necessarily good, either, mind you. But when I finally managed to get my hands on this game back in 2004, it made me angry. Super Mario 64 was a tough act to follow, and rather than build on those concepts, Sunshine felt like a massive regression. Nowadays, it’s easier to see the bigger picture. Super Mario Sunshine was a stop-gap as Nintendo slowly pushed Mario back to a more linear, level-based structure. Super Mario Galaxy was another step in this direction, doing away with the open worlds in favor of traditional, straight-forward level design, something that would later be perfected in Super Mario 3D Land and Super Mario 3D World.

That makes Sunshine more of a curious black sheep than anything else. It’s definitely not a game worth hating -- its biggest offense is simply being dull, and there are worse fates. For my replay, it became the sort of game I chipped away at, bit by bit, over the course of nearly three years. As it turns out, the best cure for repetition is to forget everything you were doing the last time you played. It’s even fitting on some level that a game about Mario taking a vacation is best served in lazy, slow, indifferent chunks. Make no mistake -- there are better, more polished, and more engaging platformers out there for you to play. It is in no way a stretch to call Super Mario Sunshine the worst 3D Mario game, but it speaks to the franchise’s high bar of quality that even the worst 3D Mario game really isn’t so bad.

[batskulldrag]

Phoenix by Fallout Boy

I’m gonna post chapter three wicked early. I’ll make a chapter list and link tehm alll together as soon as I figure out how.

Abuse mentions. 

Chapter Three: Young Volcanos by Fall Out Boy

               What are you doing!? Don’t show weakness! Virgil’s thoughts screamed at him.

               No, I’m warm and safe. A different thought argued.

               You don’t know him! What if everybody is like Dad!?

               Then I’m already screwed!

               He’ll use this against you!

               How?

               You think I know? I don’t think like them!

               Maybe he doesn’t either!

               You put your guard back up this instant!

               Let me enjoy this…

               Virgil ignored his louder instincts for the time being and pressed his head further into Patton’s shoulder. It was a nice feeling, and sure he probably couldn’t trust this guy, but he was going to enjoy feeling like this while he could. Patton seemed like a nice guy, and he smelled like butter. And everything else smelled like hand sanitizer, and it was cold because it was a hospital. But Patton was all warm.

               Besides, even if he was going to do anything, he couldn’t with witnesses hanging around and security cameras everywhere. Maybe this was ok. Maybe this was normal. Virgil let himself slide down lower and rested his head on Patton’s lap.

               “Ya getting sleepy there, kiddo?” Patton cooed, still stroking his hair.

               “No, I’m ok.” Virgil mumbled. This was nice. He wanted to stay here.

               “Ok.”

               Virgil became aware of Patton’s heartbeat it was going fast. Was he nervous too? That was weird. Why was he worried?

               Virgil sighed. Both Patton and Thomas were probably waiting for him to say something. Hell, they were probably expecting him start belting songs from Annie or jump up and click his heels. It’s not everyday someone gets pulled out of hell and sent somewhere better, so they were probably looking for a more mood fitting reaction than lying down and taking a nap. One more minute.

               “So, what happens now?” Virgil asked, keeping his head on Patton’s lap. One more minute.

               “Well, Patton has already signed all the forms and the background check should be coming back tomorrow.” Thomas answered, for whatever reason he looked really content. “So, as soon as you’re discharged you can go home with him.”  

               “When can I be discharged?” He was trying not to sound too eager. If they knew he wanted something they could probably use that to toy with him.

               “I’m afraid that’s up to your doctors.”

               “Ok.” That made sense.

               “But when you do get out, we’ll have your room all ready.” Patton chirped at him. “And you’ll need to tell me what all your favorite foods are so I can make them.”

               What an odd thing to say. I guess I should get up. One more minute.

               “Ok.” He mumbled.

               “Oh, and do you have any allergies or eating restrictions. Like vegetarian or vegan and the like?”

               “No.” One more minute.

               “As for right now.” Thomas sounded hesitant, was he going to kick Patton out? “Your doctors and I need to document your bruises. And if you want to you can make a statement for prosecution.”

               “Right now?” Virgil sighed, no more hitting reality’s snooze bar. He slowly pulled himself back up.

               “It is better we do it sooner rather than later.” Thomas sighed. “Patton can stay if you’d like him to.”

               “Good idea, I was hoping for an even bigger group of people to see me in my underwear.” Virgil sneered, rubbing his arm. Despite his will he also felt his face going red. Damnit.

               “I know it’s uncomfortable, but it’s kind of a necessary evil.”

               Virgil sighed and glanced at Patton. He might as well stay. This was as good a test to see if he was weird as any. Right? Yeah, he could be a serial killer, or this could be his kink or something like that. Best to know what he was going to get himself into. Just that. That and no other reason.

               “I mean, he can stay if he wants to.” Virgil mumbled impassively. “It’s a free country, he can do whatever.”

               “I’ll give you your privacy.” Patton replied, ruffling his hair. “I’ll come back in when they’re done kiddo.”

               Patton stood up and took a few steps towards the door. Virgil’s heart sank. Patton abruptly stopped and turned around.

               Are you gonna stay?

               “I almost forgot to give you this.” Patton said happily. “this should help you ‘bear’ your stay here.”

               Patton gleefully produced a stuffed bear and gently set in his mummified hands. As the toy stared derpilly up at him he got the joke and impulsively smiled. Then he saw the pun written across the bear and let out a laugh. Double whammy with the dad jokes. He glanced at Patton and saw that the older man was beaming (bee-ming?), clearly enthralled that Virgil liked the joke.

               “He’s cool.” Virgil tried to play it off. “Thanks.”

               “You’re welcome.” Patton turned back to the door. “I’ll be right out here if you need me. Ok?”

               “Ok.”

               Patton closed the door behind him only to reappear in the window and wave enthusiastically at him. He mouthed out the words I’ll be right here and gave a thumbs up. Virgil waved in return and fought back another smile. Patton was a funny guy and so far, he seemed pretty cool.

                                                                               #             #             #

               Patton shook his arms to get the relief tinglies to calm down. Everything seemed to go well. Virgil didn’t hate him, and he even liked dad jokes. And he liked the bear. So far things were going well.

               He saw them close the blinds in Virgil’s room so that no one in the hallway could peep in on him. They must have started cataloging his bruises. Patton hoped his brother had a mean cellmate. He made a mental note to look up a few legal things when he got home.

               While waiting Patton sent Logan a quick text to let him know everything was going ok on his end and to ask what was going on in the outside world.

                                                                               #             #             #

               Logan set another casserole dish on top of the stove. He had to shove aside the other three dishes, the two pies and the pot of soup. Both Patton’s library friends and all their neighbors had been at it for hours.

               “How many friends does Patton have?” Roman exclaimed, walking into the kitchen with a Tupperware of pasta. “And why are they all old ladies?”

               “Some of them are just parents whose kids were in his class.” Logan sighed. “He’s a lot of kids’ favorite teacher.”

               “Is the fridge full?”

               “Yes, just set the pasta on the table.”

               “Any updates on the news?” Roman set the dish down exhaustedly.

               “No, not yet.” Logan looked at his phone. “Patton texted. He says that Virgil’s fine, and seems excited to come live with us. And of course, he wants to know how we are.”

               “Drowning in food and tired of small talk.” Roman switched into a frail voice. “It was so brave of you to rescue that boy. It’s so good of you three to take that boy in like this. It’s about time Patton and Logan adopted a kid.” He changed back. “I never thought I would get sick of praise. I feel like Jack Skellington.”

               “Minus the kidnapping I hope.”

               “You’re the one with the kid now.” Roman jabbed, eating the pasta straight from the dish with his hands.

               “Roman, get a plate.” Logan began.

               They were interrupted by a knock at the door.

               “If that’s Barbra from next door I’m calling the police.” Roman stood up dramatically.

               “It’s my turn to deal with callers,” Logan walked towards the hallway. “But if it is her, I’m getting you.”

               “Let’s set her up with my brother the next time we know where he is.” Roman laughed. “She’ll never speak to us again.”

               “Neither will Remus.”

               Logan could still hear Roman laughing when he got to the front door. He glanced through the peephole to see if it was indeed well-wishers. He instead saw several smartly dressed people bearing cameras and tape recorders rather than food. With few other options he turned out the lights in the front room and went back into the kitchen.

               Roman was taking inventory when he got back.

               “Say Lo-bot, how much of this could we take to the homeless shelter?” He asked casually. “I don’t want to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but this is a lot. The freezer is full, the refrigerator is full, and the oven is full. It would be more disrespectful to let this go to waste when the less fortunate could have it.”  

               “We will discuss that later,” Logan took the car keys off the rack. “But it is a good idea.”

               “Where are you going?” Roman squinted at him.

               “I’m going to pick Patton up from the hospital.”

               “Who was at the door?”

               “Reporters have found us. I’m all for the first amendment, but I do not wasn’t to be harassed in my own home. So, I’m leaving.”

               “But won’t they go away if we talk to them?”

               “Yes, but then they, and all others will think it’s okay to show up at people’s houses.”

               Roman looked around.

               “We could ask them in for dinner.” He laughed.

               “But we won’t.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               Patton sat at the foot of the bed while Virgil sat across from him at the head. Virgil was sitting cross-legged with his casted foot poking out from under the blanket and the bear in his lap. Patton clicked his heels together; it was very quiet.

               “You’re not much of a talker.” Patton teased.

               “My throat hurts.” Virgil answered.

               “Oh, right. Sorry.”

               WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!!!

               “So, you’re really my dad’s brother?” Virgil asked skeptically.

               “Yeah, he’s about three years older than me.”

               “And you’re related?”

               “Yep, people used to mistake us for twins. Until I had to get glasses.”

               Virgil coughed and tapped the bear on the nose a few times.

               “This isn’t actually my first time meeting you.” Patton started. “My mom and I kind of did a lot of the raising when you were a baby.”

               “Is that stuff dad said true?”

               “No.” Patton dropped his shoulders. “It’s not. Our mother was wonderful and supportive. She even took Logan in after-” He stopped himself. “No, it’s not true. He was the homophobe.”

               “Yeah, I never really believed the pseudo-rape story.” Virgil shifted his feet. “Dad always seemed more like a predatory animal. And maybe that was a front, but if it was it was flawless.”

               “I think Payton said something about being with her for posterity.” Patton rubbed his arm. “She was really pretty and was a cheer leader in high school. And a lot of guys wanted to be with her. So, it was like a triumph for him.”

               “He told you?” Virgil coughed.

               “No. I just kind of figured. He did say he was gonna marry her, you know when we found out about you.”

               “Why?”

               “Because.” Patton mimicked his brother’s tone. “Children need a mommy and a daddy. And I have to accept my mistakes.” Patton switched back. “I never really believed him.”

               Virgil shivered and looked down into his lap. Through his bangs Patton could see him biting his lip.

               “I’m sorry.” Patton said quickly, but softly. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. I should have known that would hit too close to home for you. I’m sorry.”

               Virgil looked at him quizzically and his eyes darted around the room. He seemed utterly baffled. Still looking like the world had just flipped over Virgil crawled over and put his head back into Patton’s lap.

               “Are you ok, Kiddo?”

               “Yeah,” He sounded stunned. “I’m fine. I-I just need to pull my thoughts together.”

               “I get what you mean.” Patton tried to lighten the mood. “I never think straight, just ask my husband.”

               Virgil laughed very softly.

               “We’re gonna have to get that laugh stronger.” Patton teased, stroking his hair. “As soon as your throat is better, we’ll have you practice.”

               “Practice?”

               “Practice laughing, ya goof!”

               “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” Virgil said in a strained voice.

               “No, you’re wide awake.” Patton soothed. “And I can prove it. Your throat hurts, doesn’t it?”

               “Like I swallowed a bag of razors.”

               “Well, you can’t feel pain in dreams. And you can only feel one emotion at a time in them.”

               “Really?”

               “Yeppers, if you’re having a happy dream, you’re happy in the dream and nothing else. Same for all the other types of dreams. And they’re never this elaborate.”

               “I guess not.” Virgil yawned.

               “And you can’t get tired in a dream, now can you?” Patton asked, booping the younger man on the nose. “And you can’t learn something you don’t know in a dream, because it’s in your mind. And you don’t know what you don’t know.”

               “So, this is real?” He yawned again. “It’s not a dream or an act or something.”

               “Nope, it’s as real as that sore throat of yours.”

               “Ok.” Virgil sighed, his eyes fluttering closed. “You can keep talking if you want.”

               “Maybe I’d better go until you’re feeling better.” Patton brushed his fingers through Virgil’s hair. It was starting to feel like he hadn’t showered, which was fair.

               “Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Virgil mumbled, halfway asleep already.

               “Of course, I can.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               Patton paced into the waiting room. Logan had texted him saying he was coming to pick him up. He thought that was a bit unnecessary, but it would be nice to not have to take the bus.

               “Maybe Logan missed me.” Patton said to himself with a coy smile. “I guess we’ll have to pick up dinner on the way back.”

               Patton slid into one of the uncomfortable chairs that normally furnished all waiting rooms. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Maybe he’d just tune out for a minute.

               “In other news we have conformation that the destruction of former mayoral candidate Payton Foster’s home last night was in fact arson. Traces of accelerant were found inside the house, leaving Mr. Foster himself as the prime suspect. Police believe he was attempting to destroy evidence of previous crimes for which he had been accused. His teenage son is reported to have escaped the fire with minor injury thanks to the actions of a heroic stranger. That’s quite the Disney convince, eh, Garbo?”

               Patton glanced wearily at the TV as the reporter’s counterpart took over.

               “But he’s not so strange anymore now Malloy. We did figure who he is. Seems that drama teacher slash community theater star Roman Lupine has gotten tired of the stage and is out there looking for drama in real life. That may suit Mr. Lupine, but I think here on Garbo and Malloy we would just stick to playing fictional heroes.”

               Patton started looking for a remote to change the channel or just flat out turn this thing off. The publicity was bad enough, but he hated these guys’ banter. How did they even get this job?

               “And of course, we all recognize Mr. Lupine from his press infiltration over a week ago.” Malloy droned.

               “Speaking of the ShareBook incident, most of our sources believe that Foster’s brother will be taking custody of his son.” Garbo, who was aptly named countered. “But so far no one has been able to get a hold of any of them.”

               “Well let’s hope Mr. Foster and his husband are prepared for their new son coming out as straight.” Malloy swung for the obvious joke.

               The two trash goblins laughed like they were those guys from the Muppets and they mercifully changed the subject.

               “Next up on Garbo and Malloy, Garbo and Malloy go dumpster diving.”

               “Don’t come back.” Patton pleaded as he finally found the remote and shut the TV off. “And Thomas already told that joke.”

               He slid back into a chair and sighed hard. How could anyone joke or bant about this? It was a little like saying Anne Frank was bad at hide and seek, it wasn’t funny. It was just tasteless. And were they making fun of Roman?

               “Excuse me, I’m looking for a patient by the name of Foster.” Someone interrupted his brooding and worsened his mood.

               “Are you family?” The receptionist countered.

               “No, I’m with the press, I’d like to see if he or his current guardians are willing to do an interview.”

               “Come back tomorrow.”

               Not willing to do that, Patton his behind a chair until he was sure this man was gone.

                                                                               #             #             #

               The car ride home was saturated in a tense quiet for the first few minutes. With a look they all communicated exactly what they knew to one another. Unfortunately, they all knew a lot of the same things. Both Patton and Logan had at least fifty unchecked messages on their phones and Roman was in the back seat agitatedly sending out explanations to every single person in his contact list.

               “How has everyone in Florida found out about this so quickly?” Roman sighed from his spot on the back. “One of my students texted me somehow knowing that I was in the hospital last night. I have never been so fed up with the age of information.”

               “They were talking about you on Garbo and Malloy.” Patton added in a barely audible mumble.

               “Were they reviewing the play?”

               “No, they were talking about the fire.”

               “Those two discuss current events?” Logan interrupted, sounding absolutely dumbfounded.

               “Not very well.” Patton sighed. “They were making fun of Roman.”

               “Oh, of course that were!” Roman barked. He then slid into a mimic of one of the reporters. “Next up on Garbage and Malloy, Garbage and Malloy let a child burn to death in a fire, ‘cause people who try to help are just attention seekers. hA ha Ha HA.”

               “Several of your friends from work brought us food and expressions of good luck.” Logan added, evidently trying to change the subject.

               “Aww, that’s sweet.” Patton melted into his seat. “All this talk of my brother was starting to make me doubt humanity.”

               “Well,” Logan sighed. “I certainly hope you’re hungry.”

               A question bounced back and forth between Logan and Roman. Well, more like the question. And the question took turns resting in their brains and mouths but remained unspoken.

               “Patton,” Logan sighed, tightening his grip on the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.  “Did Payton actually…” He couldn’t say it.

               “Yes.” Patton gagged on the words, they tasted vile. “He did.”

               With that the silence returned.

[mst3kproject]

1107: The Land that Time Forgot

Watching the opening credits of this actually made me do a double-take – the name Colin Farrell appeared on the screen and I was like, wait, what the fuck?  Wouldn’t he have been like two years old?  Well, I looked it up and learned that I was wrong: The Land that Time Forgot was made in 1975, and the Colin Farrell I was thinking of wasn’t even born until a year later.  At least that woke me up.

It’s World War I, and a passenger ship is torpedoed by a German submarine.  The only survivors are a few sailors, Doug McClure, and a Dr. Lisa Clayton who serves as the movie’s designated pretty girl.  The nearest thing to rescue in sight is the submarine itself when it surfaces a few hours later – so they climb aboard, storm the hatch, and take over the ship.  At first it seems that all they have to do now is head for home, but they soon learn that the Germans have sabotaged the compass.  They’ve come ashore instead at the mysterious lost continent of Caprona. Naturally this is a land of cavemen and dinosaurs, and in order to escape the British and the Germans must put aside their differences and work together.  Only then will they be able to get back to the real world and resume shooting at each other.

While At the Earth’s Core comes across as a movie nobody gave a much of a shit about, there are places where The Land that Time Forgot is surprisingly artful and well-made.  In particular the first half-hour has several very nice moments in it, especially in the way it uses sound.  After the opening credits, the music totally vanishes for a third of the film.  The only background sounds are the lapping of waves and the creaking of the submarine, which makes gunshots and explosions all the more jarring when they happen.  It also makes this part of the movie seem very grounded and real, which contrasts with the more fantastical stuff that happens in Caprona.  The first sight of the Capronan cliffs is accompanied by the return of the soundtrack, which ushers us out of this more real world and into the fantasy beyond.

I feel like if Amicus had just set out to make a suspense movie about WWI submarines, a sort of early-20th-century Balance of Terror, they could have done a pretty fair job.  Several scenes, such as when the characters are all sitting in the dinghy waiting for the sub to surface, or when they’re diving to escape the British ship firing on them and aren’t sure if the hull will hold, are very effective indeed. The interior of the sub is an appropriately creepy and claustrophobic place, and details like the slight swinging of the lamp in the captain’s office remind us that we’re at sea.  The miniature sub surfacing, with water pouring off it, looks lovely.  The giant squid that passes by them un-noticed in the dark is my favourite ‘creature’ moment.

Unfortunately, there’s also stuff that sucks.  What ought to be the ‘action’ sequences are just a bunch of guys in very similar jackets and sweaters punching each other in the fog, and you can’t tell who’s who or which side is winning.  The conversation between the captain and Dr. Clayton attempts to make the point that when your country’s at war it’s impossible to ‘stay out of it’ no matter how much of a pacifist you, personally, may be, but it’s too heavy-handed to work properly… though I do like how the two of them are able to bond over a shared interest in biology.  I have no idea what happened in the tunnel that damaged the submarine, because the exterior shots are just blackness with a few rocks.

Then we hit the dinosaurs.  These are honestly fairly impressive for the time the film was made.  We don’t get a good first impression, as the first ones we get a good look at are three completely stiff pterodactyls circling like they’re hanging from a baby’s mobile.  The rest are puppets, stop motion, and animatronics, and the people who decided which technique to use for which shot had a good grasp of what each is best at.  The greenscreen work is sometimes crummy but there are some lovely matte paintings, and for the most part the effects here are good enough to tell the story without being distracting.  There’s even some attempt to portray the dinosaurs as animals with behaviours, rather than monsters that exist only to menace the humans.

So I actually have quite a bit of praise for this movie.  That’s not what my blog is about, though.  This blog is about movies that suck, so let’s look at the bad parts of The Land that Time Forgot.

Well, there’s the standard stuff.  The day-for-night is bright enough that it was obviously shot in the daytime while still being dark enough that you can’t tell what’s going on. The human inhabitants of Caprona are stupid cartoon Neanderthals with dark makeup on their faces but not their arms and legs, who become whiter and whiter as they move up the evolutionary scale. The motion of the dinosaurs may be pretty good but the design of them is ugly and lumpy, with far too many teeth even on the herbivores.  This is partly because we didn’t know nearly as much about dinosaurs in the seventies, but the movie’s fat carnosaurs with their lizard-like heads would have been ugly and inaccurate in the thirties.  Compare them, for example, to Charles R. Knight’s Tyrannosaurus and Triceratops from freaking 1927.

Many ‘lost world’ scenarios will simply present us with t-rex fighting a saber-toothed tiger and expect us not to question it.  The Land that Time Forgot gives us an reason of sorts for its mixing of geological eras, but not one that makes any sense.  From Om’s conviction that he will become a ‘Stolu’ and Dr. Clayton’s explanation of what’s going on in the giant coconut hot tub, we gather that each individual organism on Caprona evolves from a single cell to a complex being, following the entire history of its species’ evolution.  This appears to have been inspired by the fact that embryos ‘evolve’ as they develop, going through phases in which they have things like gills before losing them.  The phenomenon, called 'recapitulation', was considered one of the original pieces of evidence for evolution and I guess I can accept how they use it here.  The problem is that the movie refuses to state it clearly, which gives the impression that the writers were kind of embarrassed by the idea.

The biggest problem with two-thirds of The Land that Time Forgot is that once the characters reach Caprona, the story more or less comes to a screeching halt.  The parts set on the submarine were quite tightly-focused.  Now we are technically still seeing the same story, as they try to find fuel in order to get them back to civilization, but we also stop for long sequences of people climbing hills and dinosaurs wandering around in the dark, or pointless arguments between the British and German sailors.  In a dinosaur movie we obviously need a little bit of people standing around going oooooh and aaaaah, but they go about it all wrong here.

Then there’s the ending, which quite literally destroys everything we’ve seen so far.  The characters are on the verge of saving the damsel in distress, escaping the island, and celebrating the power of international cooperation, and then at the last minute the volcano erupts and it all goes to hell.  A volcano erupting at the end of a movie that is not about a volcano erupting will always be a deus ex machina, because there’s nothing characters can do to cause or prevent it – it’s never anything but a coincidence.  The need to escape prompts the Germans to turn on the British and try to leave without Dr. Clayton and Doug McClure, and their karmic punishment is to be cooked to death by volcanic gases in their own submarine.  Clayton and McClure are left behind on the shore while everything around them catches fire. This doesn’t feel like a conclusion to the story we’ve just seen.  It feels more like somebody just really hates happy endings, and ripped one out from under us at the last moment.

There are a few things in this movie that could have counted as thematic material if anyone had cared, but nothing is ever done with any of them. Om is a ‘bolu’, a lower order of cavemen, and he never seems to notice Dr. Clayton, nor do the slightly higher ‘stolu’.  It is the ‘golu’, the most human-like of them all, who attempt to kidnap and rape her. I doubt this was an attempt to say anything about human nature.  It seems to have been done that way just because it wasn’t yet time for Dr. Clayton to be in peril until the climax of the film.

Likewise, Jonah and the bots comment on the fact that this is a movie about Europeans coming to a new country, shooting the inhabitants, and generally making a mess as they search for petroleum.  Within the story this is not a colonial urge, as the characters have no plans to settle, but a matter of life and death, and again it seems like nobody thought very deeply about it.  It was just a thing that needed to happen to make the plot work.

Enough went right in this movie that the things which went wrong really do become a terrible shame.  A great deal of effort seems to have gone into just about everything, but a few poor writing choices mean that the result is not very good, yet not bad enough to be enjoyed on that level either.  If I were contemplating this as a potential Episode that Never Was, I honestly think I would have decided against it.  It just doesn’t have the kind of personality I associate with a good MST3K movie.

[sunnysynthsunshine]

The Entire History of the World I guess? (bill wurtz)

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's tooHOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth— star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which isnow the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media— it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms— CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

[silverfae16]

Comparison? (Beyblade Burst ChouZ ep24 ep post comparison post)

Seeing that my usual weekly content has been dragged to a halt by uni coursework (nearly there!), I thought I’d tide you over with something I worked on for that...by which I mean I borrowed my ep post for ChouZ ep24 and edited it for my portfolio. Original post is here. (As a comparison point). Lemme know which version works better, I’m curious ^^ 

Spoilers ahoy, so under the cut we go~

This was one wild ride of an ep…

The first noticeable thing about this ep is the “baby’s first wordplay” in the title: ‘Achilles vs Xcalibur’, or in the original Japanese, “勇者（アキレス）VS勇者（エクスカリバー）！！”

For reference, that kanji “勇者 vs 勇者” would normally read “Yuusha VS Yuusha”; or “Hero VS Hero”. But both Achilles and Xcalibur are associated with heroes; Excalibur being the sword used by the British king of legend, Arthur, (fitting, then, that the main wielder of Xcalibur this season is a prince) and Achilles being the Greek near-invincible hero, so the writers decided to put the katakana for Achilles and Xcalibur as the furigana, or how the kanji is supposed to be read. It works as a double bonus; it tells who the ep centres on battle-wise (Aiga and Xhan respectively), but also uses the origins of the bey names for wordplay. Nice job there ^^

So, this ep was neatly split into two parts; the mini-adventure Aiga, Xhan and Laban had before the main tournament section (which was also a chance to develop Laban’s relationships a bit before the latter half of this ep) and then the battles in the second half. This is the episode where I seriously get convinced these boys have a stronger urge for adventure than common sense. I wonder which one came up with the race idea…and then roped the other two into it. Though to be quite honest, Xhan will just agree to anything that sounds fun and adventure-y (or something that will fire up his competitive spirit, either or).

I had honestly wondered how these three would interact with one another, as while Aiga and Laban get on, and Xhan and Aiga are rivals… we haven’t really seen Laban and Xhan interact. So, this was a nice bonding part. (It also made sense because these are 11- to 12-year-old children who will do this sort of stuff)

If it wasn’t for the fact that their bonding moment was done because they went on a “trip” and didn’t tell anyone except for Naru (who later was the one to break the news that three children, including a prince, have gone missing), this would have been a nice easy-going episode. But you just know that anything could happen to these idiots because unlike the ghost ship episode, none of this was planned, so there is this underlying sense of danger.

And of course, things very quickly go to hell when disaster strikes, and the boys must deal with lightning, nearly get killed by a flaming tree and then falling rocks…and then get trapped in a cave. Be glad you didn’t have your probably-collapsible cane out (how else does this child just bring the thing out whenever), Xhan, otherwise you may have become a lightning conductor.

Speaking of that damn cane, I am so not surprised the thing lights up. It just fits Xhan’s adventurous nature (and came in handy for this ep, given they got trapped in a dark place).

I think what I loved was how each child helped each other out while stranded; Xhan has his martial arts+ that cane; Aiga has his resonance with Achilles (which saved Xhan from getting crushed), and Laban has his wilderness survival skills such as being able to hunt and communicate with the animals around. Stuff like dealing with a problem together does bring people together at least a little bit, so for these three, it was easier to form a bond due to their similar personalities. While at first there was some fighting between the rivals, after they were trapped within the volcano in the centre of the island, they started working together.

So, if the first half was “fun with a little of wtf”, the second half of this ep was “WTF” thanks to Phi! Not least because of this lovely image (poor Laban seeing that…), where Phi was entirely in shadow with what appeared to be Phoenix behind him…and an ominous blue eye where Phoenix’s head would be.

As anticipated, Phi won…and broke Leopard as well. Ow. I’d imagine this was to show Laban that you don’t peek into Phi’s soul and get away with it, but I felt sorry for Laban. He’s adorable, but he’s now been effectively sidelined. I just hope this doesn’t mean more bey murders are on the way…

I have a feeling Aiga witnessing Phi destroy Leopard is…going to have interesting consequences, considering Achilles suddenly glowed black. This is going to be fun.

Other than that, the Fubuki vs Kyle match was nothing special and ended in Kyle being eliminated…but I have a feeling we’re not done with him either. We still don’t know who he was working for, and I’m not sure what his interest in Phi is all about, but I’m not sure that’ll end well.

The focus fight, as indicated in the title, was Xhan vs Aiga, and oh boy this was fun to watch. I love that Xhan’s fire has finally been properly lit and that he got what he was looking for. Xhan’s primary character arc (find his Rival) has been completed as of this episode, though I have a feeling his next Quest will be uncovering the power of resonance. Since he apparently had no idea what that was (mind you, neither did Aiga until Fubuki told him back in episode 21), it seems his journey continues. Hopefully he’ll work with Xhaka on this one, given that he looks up to his mentor figure so much.

That being said, I seriously felt for him, because that loss must have been so frustrating. Like, he’s still got a star left, but I’d imagine his problem was that finally he’s got what he wanted…and he still lost? Not sure if he has this buried sense of “I have to do my best for my country”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did ><

So, this was a pretty fun ep ^^ It definitely made it clear that Phi was a threat, seeing as he caused the first bey murder of the season (not counting destructions in flashbacks), made us feel for Laban (even if the first half of the episode felt like his swansong before he was shafted), and overall set some other character arcs in motion.

[touching-eternity]

PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER – A PROPHETIC REPORT (Part 5)

This is part 5 of a series.

Read Part 1 - Years of Shaking: 2008-2028. http://touching-eternity.tumblr.com/post/164436543788/putting-the-pieces-together-a-prophetic-report

Read Part 2 - The Woman Clothed with the Sun. http://touching-eternity.tumblr.com/post/165575961888/putting-the-pieces-together-a-prophetic-report

Read Part 3 - A War in Israel. http://touching-eternity.tumblr.com/post/168502831493/putting-the-pieces-together-a-prophetic-report

Read Part 4 - Flash-Forward: Apocalypse Soon. http://touching-eternity.tumblr.com/post/174734884148/putting-the-pieces-together-a-prophetic-report

FLASH-FORWARD II: A GLIMPSE INTO OUR COSMIC FUTURE

In his book, Surprised by Joy, C. S. Lewis tells of an extraordinary childhood experience. He writes:

“As I stood beside a flowering currant bush on a summer day there suddenly arose in me without warning, and as if from a depth not of years but of centuries, the memory of that earlier morning at the Old House when my brother had brought his toy garden into the nursery. It is difficult to find words strong enough for the sensation which came over me; Milton’s ‘enormous bliss’ of Eden (giving the full, ancient meaning to ‘enormous’) comes somewhere near it. It was a sensation, of course, of desire; but desire for what? not, certainly, for a biscuit-tin filled with moss, nor even (though that came into it) for my own past. And before I knew what I desired, the desire itself was gone, the whole glimpse withdrawn, the world turned commonplace again, or only stirred by a longing for the longing that had just ceased. It had taken only a moment of time; and in a certain sense everything else that had ever happened to me was insignificant in comparison.”

Why does it seem like we all have this longing for something indefinable that often feels like pleasure, and sometimes more like pain, or even grief? It is a fleeting feeling that rises to the surface when we see cute dogs, or babies, or young lovers, or a field of flowers — or when we are in love, or even heart-broken.

The truth is that we are not wired for just a physical existence, but there is something more out there, and that something more is responsible for these longings hidden deep within our hearts.

The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible says that God has put eternity in our hearts. Love, joy, bliss, and paradise dwell in eternity, and eternity exists in God. We are meant to live there, too — in eternity, in God. But we strayed. So instead we, the human race, have had 6,000 years of mostly suffering and pain living on a lonely planet called Earth.

But, no more. Soon, when the last bullet is fired and the last earthquake is stilled, then, at last, the path back — to paradise, to eternity, to God — will get unveiled, and lost humanity will find it.

Well, in fact, humanity need not wait for Armageddon. The path back has already been cleared; we can, here and now, take the first step of the return journey. Paradise, eternity, God — they come in a package called the Kingdom of God, in a box we know as the Gospel, wrapped in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ. All that was what Jesus meant when He said, “I am the Way.”

So the first step in our return journey to that which satisfies our deepest longings is to allow the Kingdom of God into our hearts — literally, to get the Kingdom inside us, to make it a part of our system. The reality is the Kingdom of God is first experienced in its invisible, spiritual form before it gets manifested in the physical realm. To quote the apostle Paul, “The things that are seen are temporal, the things that are unseen are eternal.” And, the book The Little Prince, “what is essential is invisible to the eye”.

The second step back is a period known as the Millennium Reign of Christ on Earth. This is a time when the Kingdom of God begins to be seen in the natural or physical realm.

And then, when the Millennium is over, we graduate into eternity, into a Kingdom with no end, where God wipes away our every tear and there is no more death, pain, and suffering.

Through dreams and visions, God has given Australian prophet Neville Johnson a peek into the Millennium, which he shared in a talk held in Sheffield, England on November 3, 2012. The rest of this article is a transcription of that talk; the ideas have been a bit reorganized, but the entirety is by and large a verbatim quote without quotation marks. And, to complete the picture, bits and pieces from his other online stuff have been plugged in as well.

Between a Dying Age and a Brand New World

In chapter 10 of the Bible’s book of Revelation, there is a big angel who has one foot on the sea and one foot on the land. He declares, “Time is no more!” In a very real sense, we are standing on the edge of time. The whole earth is in labor pains, giving birth to a new age. Every time there is a contraction, a volcano erupts somewhere, or an earthquake goes off elsewhere. We are living between a dying age and a brand new world, between sunset and sunrise. We are about to break out of a six-thousand-year battle into a dazzling new age.

The Biblical prophet Isaiah writes that at a time of great darkness on the earth, God’s people will begin to stand up at last. He says, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.” We are in that time now.

Our generation is the most privileged people that have ever been born on the face of the earth. We were sent to this planet for such a time as this to finish the fight. And it will be a fight right to the end. But it is a cause worth fighting for. We have been given the privilege to stand with God, rescue this planet from His enemy the devil, and usher in a new world.

The Wrath of God

The wrath of God is something that many have a hard time wrapping their minds around. A vengeful, angry God simply does not tally with the good, loving God most people think Him to be.

In the Bible, the Greek word translated as “wrath” is also translated as “passion”. So actually God’s passion, His zeal, against injustice and wrongdoing is completely compatible with His loving nature. He avenges the poor and the oppressed and executes judgment on their oppressors.

God’s holiness demands His wrath against evil. His goodness includes His passionate anger against wickedness. Why? Because wickedness and evil not only destroy God’s creation, but also relegate humans to an existence wretchedly below the potential for authority and glory that God has originally seeded into them. God has entrusted the administration of the earth to men, but they lost it to Lucifer by default. And things on the planet have since been on a path to progressive death, decay, and disintegration.

God is reaching a point where He has to put His foot down already. But before the outpouring of His wrath, His judgments will first be falling on the earth. His judgments are meant to help people learn righteousness; perhaps some could still be saved from His wrath. In some of the visions and dreams Neville had, he saw places where great earthquakes were erupting, along with volcanoes. He saw viruses and diseases being unleashed on populations. He says that this is coming in our generation. The world is heading towards this now because the cup of sins on the planet is almost full and God is coming to the part when He says, “Enough!”

But God is merciful and gracious. The books of Ezekiel and Revelation tell us that God will first mark people who sigh at evil and who have a heart towards goodness, towards Him, because He Himself is goodness. He will mark them because He wants to spare them. He will protect those who love Him with all their heart, those who are obedient and surrendered to His holy will, those who are living in “the secret place of the Most High” (described in Psalms 91). In his dreams and visions of incredible earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, Neville saw whole families, Christian families, who are supernaturally transported to another location.

It is later than we think. Everything is now in a state of acceleration. We must not take things lightly, but we must heed the warnings. Noah had only seven days to get into the ark. Lot did not even have time to look back at Sodom and Gomorrah. But his wife turned back. She was lagging behind a long way. Her heart was still in there. That was where her home was. That was where everything was. She got caught in the fallout of the descending volcanic ash and was turned into a pillar of salt. These Biblical warnings are pictures of our time, the end-time — when the old world dies and the new age is born.

The Bible says that God’s people are not appointed to wrath. It is true that they will experience much tribulation, they will see terrible things happen, and they will be around during the rise of the Antichrist. But they will not be there when the wrath of God is poured down on the earth. They will be caught up out of earth to heaven for the spiritual marriage of Christ to His Bride.

When at last the wrath of God is poured out, it says in Revelation that malignant sores will afflict those who received the mark of the Antichrist. Fifty-kilogram hailstones will rain down on the earth. Volcanoes will erupt like we have never seen volcanoes erupt before. There is going to be an earthquake that will hit the entire world and drop all the major cities of the world; these cities (including Manila, says Neville) are not going to exist anymore.

The Bible talks about every island disappearing. Neville has had many dreams and some visions about this. He saw the coast of California, particularly Hollywood, totally disappear under the sea. In some areas, sea came, forty or fifty or a hundred miles inland. Tsunamis so big you would not believe — two, three hundred feet high — were coming in over major cities. He says that there will be vast tracts of land which will just disappear under the waters. But vast new tracts of land will also come up out of the sea. Mountain ranges will rise up out of the ocean, some of them higher than Everest.

The planet is going to end up as one incredible mess. But why would God mess up the planet with all this devastation? It is because everything decadent in this world cannot come over into the Millennium Reign of Christ. Some of the major cities in the world today are totally decadent. They have a history of incredible evil. And God says that they will not come over into His new world. God knows what He is doing and He has a plan — something we need to trust and appreciate.

God is going to get it over all in one hit over a few weeks probably, says Neville. And when it is over, the earth will come into rest. God is going to take the tension out of this earth. And so there will be no more earthquakes, no more volcanoes erupting, none of this thing in the Millennium Reign of Christ.

Besides the unbelievable pestilences and natural calamities, God’s wrath will involve wars that will ravage the earth. Nations will rise against nations. The book of Revelation says God is going to draw the nations (those that have, through the ages, unrelentingly killed and persecuted Jews and Christians) down into Armageddon against Israel. He will destroy those nations and finish everything.

When this is over, Jesus will come as King of kings and Lord of lords. He will come back with many of His saints, riding on horses. It is written in the book of Jude in the Bible that the prophet Enoch saw this way back in the early days. Imagine, the sky opens up after all the devastation, and there are horses coming down to earth. There will still be people alive in the earth. After all the wars and devastation, the population of the earth will be reduced dramatically, but there are some who will remain alive.

The Aftermath

So Jesus and His heavenly armies descend to defeat the enemies of the Kingdom in the war of Armageddon. In Revelation chapter 19, the Antichrist and the False Prophet were thrown alive into the Lake of Fire. In chapter 20, it says that God laid hands on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the devil, and bound him for a thousand years, cast him into a bottomless pit, shut him up, and put a seal upon it, so he could not deceive the nations anymore. It is hard to believe what the world will be like with no demons and no demonic temptation. It is hard to believe just what kind of a world that would be. But that is God’s plan.

Those nations and people that survived the outpouring of the wrath of God will give an account to Him. God will set up His throne in the earth and call the nations before Him. The nations will be divided into the goat nations and the sheep nations. (Right now, the goat nations and the sheep nations are already being lined up.) The goat nations will be those that were arrayed against Israel, and the sheep nations will be the nations who supported Israel. In The Bible, in Matthew chapter 25, Jesus says that those who have done good deeds “to the least of My brethren” are sheep nations. Remember that Jesus was Jewish. “My brethren” — that was the dividing line all the way through.

Now there will be two classes of people in the Millennium. There will be the nations who survived, still unsaved but survived. And there will be people with resurrection bodies — those saints who came from heaven riding on horses with Jesus. These will be the two classes of people. The people with resurrection bodies will have the opportunity to rule and rebuild this whole world. The nations who survived will be set to work building a new world.

When a person dies now, if he is a Christian, his spirit leaves his body and goes to heaven. But it is just his spirit, a spirit body, that goes to heaven. In heaven, they do not have resurrection bodies yet. At the return of Jesus, at the resurrection and the rapture, the spirit body is going to be clothed with a resurrection body. That is the fulness of the new creation. It is a completely new species in the universe. Nothing like it has been seen before. This is a whole new creation, a super race of people.

What will it be like in the new Millennium world for the redeemed? Well, the capital of the world will be Jerusalem, for starters. But, in this Kingdom of God, there is neither Jew nor Gentile anymore. It is just one incredible new creation, a species never been seen in all of the universe. People with resurrection bodies will be roughly at the age of thirty years old and they will stay at that age. That is because thirty is the age of maturity in God. Neville joked that when he met his mother in heaven in one of his visions, she looked drop-dead gorgeous. He explained that it was hard to recognize her because she looked so young.

People with resurrection bodies in the Millennium will never get sick again. There will be no pain; they can not be injured. They can travel at the speed of thought anywhere on the planet. They have access to heaven whenever they want. They can go back and forth between earth and heaven.

Heaven will not be emptied out though. God is not going to empty the whole of heaven and put everyone on earth. If we want to be among the saints brought back to earth to rule with Christ in the Millennium, we have to qualify. The Bible says, “He that overcomes will sit with Me on My throne.” But this generation has the opportunity more than any other generation to qualify — to overcome such great tribulations that no previous generation has had to go through.

Rebuilding the World

And so the big clean-up begins. A new world has to be built. We Christians actually have this strange concept — we are coming back and there is a brand new world and we live happily ever after during the Millennium. But the earth is a mess. It has been torn apart by war and devastation from every angle. The map has just changed. The destruction is unbelievable. And there has to be obviously a big clean-up.

The Bible’s book of Ezekiel, chapter 39, details the clean-up that will need to be done. It will take seven years to get rid of the military hardware, the weapons. (At the moment, many weapons are stockpiled on the earth.) Then there are so many dead bodies on the planet, it is a problem. So many of these bodies are contaminated with radioactive problems, you can not touch them for seven months. People will be employed to pass through the land; when they see a man’s bone, they will set up a marker on it. It is not to be touched for another seven months. Then the buriers will come with the right equipment to bury it; they will have to be very careful. And so they will cleanse the land. It will not be a pretty picture, but the Bible is very clear about it.

The Millennium is not a rescue for worn-out Christians. God is not going to wave His hand and it is all done. We are going to have to work to rebuild a new world. And that is the Kingdom — the earth with all evil removed. It will take a while to reconstruct a new world, but it will be wonderful. The maps will have to be redrawn on this entire planet. Paradise will be restored. It will be a totally different world.

Rebuilding in the Millennium will be done by supernatural acts and human endeavor. Many people, Christians, have been prepared in this life for the Millennium. We are going to need architects, and there are going to be landscapers. Some of the cities that will be built are unbelievably hard to describe. The architecture that Neville saw was unbelievable. The buildings blended so perfectly and everything just blended with creation. It was really difficult to describe. It was a perfect world.

There will be a hierarchy of sorts; there will be rulers over nations and there will be positions of authority. Jesus said He would give one person authority over five cities, some over one city, some over ten cities in the earth. These are places and positions that Christians who have overcome will have in the Millennium. Neville said he was intrigued that there was a minister of music that was in charge of music — and all kinds of things, just like there is in the planet today. In the Millennium, earth will be governed in righteousness, truth, and justice.

Now earth has a problem because there are unsaved people. The nations that survived, the sheep nations are in there. But they are not Christians yet, they are still in their old fallen nature. And these people are still going to have kids. Children are going to be born, and the lifespan will go for a hundred years, so the population will increase. But God has said He will rule with a rod of iron. He is not going to let sin arise at all.

Life, Music, Art, and Science in the Millennium

In the Millennium God will restore the animal creation. The Biblical prophet Isaiah said, “The wolf will dwell with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little boy will lead them. Also the cow and the bear will graze, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The nursing child will play by the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child will put his hand on the viper’s den.”

God will also restore the communication between the animal kingdom and the humans like in the beginning. In the garden of Eden, when the serpent spoke to Eve, she was not freaked out. That was just normal. She did not say, “Uhhh, Adam, the serpent spoke to me!” Eve was used to having conversations with the creation.

After the fall, slowly over a long time, discord between man and the rest of creation grew. But Noah had maintained enough level of harmony with God and creation that he had no problems getting the animals in the ark and organizing that whole thing. The creatures worshiped Noah, too.

Every morning, Neville and his wife sit on their verandah to spend some time praying and worshiping God. Without fail, everyday, the birds come in and sit on the verandah near them until they have finished. This was the condition in the garden of Eden before the fall. In the Millennium the humans and the animal kingdom will become friends again. And so it goes on.

Human relationships will also be taken to a new amazing level. Neville saw a married couple who were saintly Christians that lived before the Millennium came. They were brought back to earth to live in the Millennium world. Sometimes, when they were tasked to perform a certain ministry, they merged and became one person in the most beautiful way. Other times they worked separately. Neville says it was one of the most beautiful things he had seen in his dreams and visions of the Millennium.

In the Millennium the mental capacity of people will grow many times than we have now. It is said that even geniuses only use ten percent of the brain, and most of us are not geniuses. Everything will be restored. Not everything will be spiritual — there will be people who have resurrection bodies, but there will also be people who do not have resurrection bodies, those who survived the wrath of God.

In one of Neville’s spiritual experiences, he was in the Millennium and he was brought to this university in Jerusalem where the Lord taught (see Micah 4:1). He looked in some of the curriculum, and it is not like we think — one of the subjects was astrophysics. Seriously, he thought, wow, why would we need astrophysics? But there really were books in that library on astrophysics and much other stuff. But the angel who was with him would not let him see them. He said that he tried every trick in the book, and the angel just would not let him see them. (In another experience though, he was able to look inside the books in an incredible library in heaven. There was all kinds of books in this library and the things in them leaped out of the page like a hologram and told their story.)

Besides the university in Jerusalem, Neville saw that there were amphitheaters for musical concerts in many places all over the earth. They were incredible, huge, beautiful amphitheaters. The music and the arts in the Millennium were simply unbelievable. But what got him was the architecture. The cities looked surreal; they were absolutely beautiful.

Neville saw technology that no one would believe — technology went far beyond what we understand today. Energy was taken off the sun. There were what looked like cars, but they were a lot more streamlined than our cars today. There was something embedded in the roads that was taking energy from the sun and which powered the vehicles that were riding above it. The vehicles were not touching the ground. Neville saw all that and he exclaimed, “Wow, that is neat!”

The Bible says that, in the Millennium, the nations will have to go up at least once a year to Jerusalem. Not all have resurrection bodies, so how are these people going to get to Jerusalem? The logistics of the feasts of the Lord that we will celebrate in the city of Jerusalem just boggles the mind. But Neville saw aircraft that were up to a mile long, totally silent, whipping through the atmosphere, taking people to Jerusalem. The aircraft did not need a runway; it just lifted off the ground and then lowered itself when it was time to land.

We Christians tend to think that everything is spiritual in the Millennium. We have this funny idea that we will all sit around on earth playing harps. Neville thinks that that is actually boring. He says we will build a brand new world. It will take a while to reconstruct a new world, but it will be truly wonderful when it is done.

Climate Change

When Adam fell and Lucifer took over earth, there was a shift in the earth’s axis, a 23.5-degree tilt. Scientists believe that this greatly affected the weather patterns. Also, in the garden of Eden, it never rained, not even once. A mist came up and watered the garden.

But when the flood came in Noah’s time, the Bible says that the heavens broke and the water came both ways — it came from above and it came from beneath. That was the only way you could flood the whole earth. Something in the heavens broke. A covering of water that served as a filter over the earth in the days before the flood eventually broke. And it is interesting that, when it broke, the life span of man dropped dramatically.

In the Millennium the curse will be removed from the earth and the climate will change wonderfully. The tilt of the planet will be brought back into the right position. There will be a perfect climate. There will be no hurricanes and no destructive winds. The plants will grow faster and their fruit will develop more quickly. Neville saw something in the Millennium that he did not understand though — it seemed like people did not need the same amount of food as we do now.

Millennium’s End

Neville says that, in his dreams and visions, he saw only a tiny glimpse of about the first five hundred years of the Millennium, somewhere around that point. And already, the earth was absolutely the most beautiful place you could ever imagine. It was paradise. After all, God has said He will restore what Adam and Eve had and more.

Now, after a thousand years, there is a whole generation of people born in there, thousands and thousands of people. Satan has been bound, so these are people who have had no demonic temptation. They have lived in a perfect environment, but ruled with a rod of iron. They have not gone through any hard situation. Now Satan is released. For crying out loud, not again. What is this about?

Satan is let loose, indeed, but only for a brief time. That means he has no hope of lasting long. The only purpose for that is so those people in the Millennium can be tempted and choose. They will have to choose who they will serve, just like you and I had. Actually, it tells us in the Bible that Satan does raise an army, a human army, to come against the city of Jerusalem again. We would think that he had learned his lesson. But, Neville says, that is the nature of deception — Satan always thinks he could win.

So what next? A thousand years is up. What happens next? Neville says that, at the end of the Millennium, the earth will again undergo a metamorphosis. It will become part spiritual and part physical. The Bible tells us, “And I saw the new heaven and the new earth; for the first earth and the first heaven were now passed away, and there was no more sea.” It is a different world, there was no more sea.

And then, Revelation chapter 21 describes the New Jerusalem descending out of heaven onto this earth. It says, “And I John saw the holy city, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” This is really hard to kind of comprehend.

We have this city, the New Jerusalem, coming down from heaven, from on high. The New Jerusalem is a structure, a city, and a people. The city reflects all the attributes of the Bride of Christ (that remnant company of Christians who heeded the call to spiritual closeness with Him). Now we have this multi-storied city, fifteen hundred miles long this way, fifteen hundred miles that way, and fifteen hundred miles up. Can anyone imagine the city?

In one of his spiritual experiences, Neville saw the New Jerusalem. And he said to Jesus, “Lord, please let me see inside the city, please!” He prayed for three years, “Lord, let me see inside the city, let me see inside the city.” One day, He let him get a little glimpse. That city was layered. It was in the shape of a pyramid, but it was layered. On each layer, there were dwelling places and there were parks. It was beautiful at the lowest level, but the the next layer up was more beautiful, and the next layer up was even more beautiful. The city was so big it is difficult to imagine the number of people it could hold.

The New Jerusalem, this city on this again renovated earth, became the capital city of the universe. The planet became the capital of the universe. As Neville looked into the New Jerusalem, he realized that the bottom layers of the city were like an outer court. And right at the top was the throne of God. On all levels there were trees and rivers, but in ascending glory. This is what the Bible’s book of Ephesians is talking about — that Christ has seated us with Him in the heavenly places so that, in the ages to come, He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in His kindness toward us.

So it is not the end. The prophet Isaiah said that, the increase of God’s government and peace will have no end. That word there “increase” in Hebrew contains the thought of continuing enlargement of His kingdom. Luke, in the New Testament, said that Jesus’ kingdom shall have no end. Indeed, why do we have a universe? God does not do anything without purpose. And so, the earth becomes the capital of the universe where God will establish His kingdom on out through millions of galaxies.

We have had this wishy-washy gospel message which does not wash anymore — go to heaven and you will be saved and you will be happy. We were not made just for that, to sit around and play harps. This is our message now, the Gospel of the Kingdom, the coming kingdom that has no end; and we are His ambassadors. During the Millennium, other worlds will start to be opened up and terraforming will begin on many places and planets. It is not boring anymore, it is an adventure!

A Six-Thousand-Year Glitch

So Neville says that he has given us some of the things he knows, just a little overview. Some of these things are not written in the Bible. They are extra-Biblical, but they are not un-Biblical. There is a difference, he says. Not everything is written in the Bible, anyway, but just enough of what we need for this present time. The angel said to Daniel in the Bible, “Close up the books until the end times, and we will open them again, and there will be more understanding.”

But this is the big picture. Jesus said to pray this way, “Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.” God gave Adam responsibility for this planet and said, “Bring heaven to earth. Extend My kingdom into this planet earth.” Now we have had a 6,000-year glitch on that, but we are coming back. The Millennium world is where Adam should have gone, but it did not happen. God is going to establish that again. And the plan and purposes of God will continue on.

This whole idea of getting to heaven, living happily ever after in nice houses, that is part of it. But that would be boring as anything. We got to have purpose. The human race is born to have purpose, direction, adventure. That is who we are.

Apostle Paul writes that eye has not seen nor ear heard what God has prepared for us. But God is revealing it now by His Spirit. And it is worth this last-day fight. It is worth the battle to bring this in.

In the book of Daniel, it says that the saints, the holy people of God, finally possess the Kingdom. Sure the Antichrist will come to power and try and take over this planet completely and establish his court and his kingdom here. He will try to do that, but he is not going to make it, because “the saints possess the kingdom.” We really have a great heritage ahead of us.

Hopelessness prevails like nothing before on this planet. This generation of young people is living in a world of hopelessness. The loss of hope in Europe is unbelievable. And when a nation loses hope, it is in a bad situation. Europe is in a mess, America is in a mess, the United Kingdom is in a mess, the world is in a mess. Even the political systems are in a mess, the economic systems are in a mess, and weather is in a mess. The Bible says it will get worse. But it also says to arise and shine.

Charles Dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.” But ours now is a tale of two kingdoms. And we have got to focus. There will be times later when we can relax and have good times. But this time, we must fight. We must never retreat again. Christians must never, ever retreat again. If we retreat, we will lose. But if we do not retreat, we cannot lose. It is as simple as that — we cannot lose.

We got to get this planet back from the enemy’s hand. We have to take it back and bring in a new reign and rule. And this generation has been assigned that task. The whole of heaven is looking on. It says the prophets dreamed about this day; they wanted to see this day. And we are it — a great, big, motley crew.

We are going to take back the planet and at the forefront is going to be young people — the Shadrachs, the Meshachs, the Abed-negos (in the book of Daniel). The great thing about this generation of young people (there are some bad things, of course), the great thing is they are unchurched so they have nothing to unlearn. They will believe. We have got a clean canvas and they will be keen to go.

Christians, we stay, we fight. We learn how to be righteous. We learn to have a character that equals all of the fruit of the Spirit of God. We learn how to handle the weapons of warfare, the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God in our mouth. We learn how to run with the horses. We learn, we stand, we do not retreat. We change the laws in the land, we bring in righteous government. Revival is one thing, reformation changes the whole structure of a community. Are we ready for this?

We have got to make our calling and election sure. We need to get trained to rule — training for reigning. Neville read a story about the British royal family (Prince Charles, Prince Edward, and so on) and the training they have. They would have to sit on a stool for over an hour without moving, and look interested, disciplined. They had to stay attentive for hours while they were deprived of sleep. They were not allowed to sleep. And they had to sit and pay attention there for hours without falling asleep. They had to practice because they were going to have to sit through boring speeches in some foreign country and not fall asleep. They trained to ride horses. They were taught how to groom themselves. And they went to military college. Some of them messed up, but… Training, training, training.

The Christian church has missed out on a lot in the past, but this is our time. Those who have gone ahead of us, mentioned in the book of Hebrews as the cloud of witnesses — they are looking on, saying, “Yea, we died for this, come on, you guys!” We have come into the Kingdom for such a time as this. This is our time.

Indeed, this is our time! -#

18 July 2018

WATCH OUT FOR PART 6.

Photo credit: Photo discovered by Gloria Peters and pinned on Pinterest

Photo link: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/46/6f/d3/466fd3065a6b8cc676a9d591dc735e05.jpg

[stone-man-warrior]

January 12, 2021: 4:10 pm:

=================

now it says I cannot edit the post I made a few minutes ago, and is refering to an app.

I don't use an app. I access from the Tumblr.com website with a computer, not a phone.

and the place where the hashtags go are saying some reference to YouTube while using Tumblr.

Tumblr is hijacked by Google and Pope Bergoglio. But Pope Bergoglio is dead, died at Grants Pass Walmart about three weeks ago when he was cut in two by the guillote they put in the front entry from time to time, that day, was one of those times.

The means Google is at the Vatican without the Pope Bergoglio. The Tumblr slaves are crying for help in ways that they are able to, with changing the way the controles work, and wishing that someone would notice.

====================

Edit: 4:36 pm:

Assessment:

There is something fishy going on. Everywhere.

============================

Edit: 4:52 pm:

=======================

Edit: 4:54 pm:

“... and the operator say’s” ‘40 cents more for the next three minutes...”

That means the Operator was in on the call the whole time.

“Mrs. Avery” = Mrs. AV E R Y = Mrs. Audio/Visual + Power + Aaarrrgghh + “Y” signal splitter

“Mrs. Avery” = SAG Vatican terror pirate rerouting the call

It’s an avery, a place where birds are kept. Aviary (alternate spelling, Canadian accent, is Phoenician) A Coup.

The Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show song was from 1973.

The records available online say that the breakup of Bell Telephone & Telegraph (A/V) happened in 1982, but everyone knows that happened in the 1970′s. So, WT actual F is happening with that?

Y signal splitter’s work with the recorded history of the world the same as they do with pulsating signals. Truth splits to a dark place where no one can find it, a Gnosis Generator changes the truth, adds bullshit, removes some key information from the truth, then spits out the result for consumption by the people as Gnosis.

Sylvia, is gone. We are told she is moving away, never to be seen or heard from again. The operator wants more money, to keep you hanging on, to find out where Sylvia is at, and not hang up... they can‘t make any money if you hang up.

The Pope is a Crocodile (Croak-a-Dial)

==========================

Edit: 5:24 pm:

Diana Ross = Die on a Cross (she has to learn some Carpentry first, so she can build the cross the Christian Pirates are going to nail her to, See?

(Diana Ross is musical Royalty, in more ways than one, a Supreme Being)

Fast Forward to Princess Diana for Russian Mother Hoax Fractal View through a time warp paparazzi tunnel. (Paparazzi = Papa Arrgghh Nazzi = Pope Pirate Nazi). It’s not about black or white. It’s about acceptance of the Pirate Pope, or not)

===

From the Dr. Hook song I linked somewhere else:

“We got a genuine Indian Guru that’s teaching us a better way...”

It’s “Amp Guru”.

“Genuine” = Generates a Whine from a phone call, American Indian Style.

Remember what happened to all of the American Indians? (native Americans)

Then, add the phone hijack, the operator, “Turn water into wine” all boils down to “The Jim Dunlop” (all Pope, all the time, eternal Pope, Amp Guru at Vatican Choir HQ) on the phone call, listening all of the time. It must be a “Pay Phone” or the Operator would not be exposing herself like that (nun; Russian Whore). The “Turns Water into Wine” is the Modern Day Indian (you & me) all being turned into Whine... crying for help on he phone while trying to find Sylvia on a hijacked phone call where some asshole (nun) is pretending to be Sylvia’s Mother and is jacking US around on the call.

Jim Dunlop, maker of Cry Baby Wah... since 1966.

It’s a gas peddle (throttle) for “Axial Expression” (Axpression).

To Throttle, is to accelerate OR decelerate. (AKA: Buffer (time warp); Governor (leash; limiter)

On a phone call, it controls the speed at which you will decide to accept the Pirate Pope later on, after more effects are applied to the mix, and you slowly learn intuitively about the Christian Pirate Ship, it’s Captains, the size... enormity of the boat, and the French speaking scalawags who crew the thing. They need you and me to move the boat forward, we are the sail on the mast in the wind. We are Jesus. A sale on a pirate ship. nailed.

If you have a Bic Lighter, and learn about the Chi that resides within you, and also carry and use a fingernail clipper for defense, you can defeat the pirates.

A Chihuahua armed with hot sauce and sharp teeth.

================================

Edit: 6:05 pm:

Once again, the puzzle parts add up to reveal a glimpse into the Vatican, through the television screen, as it looked in 1965 - 1966 and thereabout, to see the Puppets of the Thunderbird’s TV show, “the Tracy’s at Volcano Island”, are “Amp Guru”, and “Amp Guru” is a culmination of all of the Pope’s throughout recorded history AD, materialized, as “The Jim Dunlop”, Captain of One Vatican Pirate Ship.

Read this account to see how that was decoded with a secret agent decoder ring from an old box of Cracker Jack’s over the past six years, and a lot of life experience.

===========================

Edit: 6:17 pm:

At the 1:25 minute mark, Jim Dunlop Amp Guru thugs are sent to hassle Jimmi, right there on stage. They Rush him, get all in his face while he’s performing and he does not even miss a lick.

He did not sign-up to be a Christian Pirate. He played left handed, with a right-handed guitar, upside down, to try to show you and me that there is something important to know about the guitar. He had plenty of Chi, was able to be among the very best of the best of guitar players, with a upside down and backwards guitar played on the opposite side.

Fucking Genius.

They sent Jimmi to the 27 Club, where he met Sylvia, they remain there with Janice Joplin, and others at the 27 Club Great Gig in the Sky.

==================

Edit: 6:31 pm:

============================

Edit: 6:41 pm:

Personal note:

This past week has included that my vision was very poor while trying to write, trying to see to cook some food, to see to walk around or do anything at all. But today something has changed, the local terror cells are not releasing the kind of poison gas that affects vision, I can see clearly today. That has not been the case this past week at all, and has been ongoing for many years as the local terror cells release a variety of poison gasses into the surrounding area, the “return air” vent on the forced air heating system draws the poison gasses into the house through the chimney, dryer vent, window “weep holes”, and other household venting and cracks and holes that exist in all houses. The windows are all closed, but the heater return air vent creates a negative pressure condition inside the house, and draws air in from outdoors where the air has been saturated with poisons released by the neighboring terror cells.

If it’s happening to me, it could be happening to you too.

My vision is perfect today, all day. Something changed outside.

That above is strange, it’s the 12th, but that grey area says it’s the 13th. The post there behind the grey area is titled “January 12, 2021: 3:57 pm:”

This one:

I am not able to make edits to that one, it’s locked up by Tumblr. If I try to make additional comment, that other blue message that says something about a Tumblr App shows up, prevents me from further additional comment.

If I could make additional comments to that other post featuring Donald Trump on the cover of the Rolling Stone, then, I would say more about what happened on January 6, 2021 at the Fred Meyer Gas Station when that Salem Oregon Government Bus showed up with the explosive guitar bombs inside, and Mark Keisel was there to make the hit to kill me, but exploded with others who were on that Salem Oregon Government Bus after I defended against Keisel. If I could make additional comments to that post above, on the actual post that’s is locked up and is not accessible for making further comment, then, I might be tempted to say that Donald Trump was also on the Salem Oregon Government Bus that was sent to kill me at the Fred Meyer Gas Station on the 6th of January, at precisely 3:36 pm (I have the receipt in my pocket still).

I might comment that the Bus exploded with Donald Trump on it somewhere nearby the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office on F St., about one-quarter mile from the Fred Meyer Gas Station in Grants Pass, but I can‘t do that, they have me locked out of that one particular post, the one with the mystery 13 on it in the screenshot above.

I could say a whole bunch of additional stuff about that.

The important part to what I might say is that all of that bullshit reported on Twitter about a White House invasion, is all bullshit. What that really is, is a way for Nancy Pelosi to say that Donald Trump exploded on a Salem Oregon Government Murder Hit Bus, and the shit went side-ways.

That is what that is all about in the Twitter news, and everything being said and done by the SAG Congress, Pelosi & Company, is all to make distraction so that no one will be interested in knowing where Donald Trump might be. Even Joe Biden is in on covering for the whereabouts of Donald Trump in the Twitter news.

It’s all bullshit! The whole WH invasion of January 6, 2021, is bullshit cover story done by SAG US Congressional Shills!

He was on the Salem Government Bus when the thing exploded into bits from at least one guitar bomb that was also on the bus, built by Mark Kiesel of Keisel Guitars. The explosives are suspected to have been provided by Micheal Moore of “Super Size Me” fame. If not, Mr. Moore knows where the explosives came from.

Send help to Oregon, learn more.

Please send medical services.

Bring your own hospital.

=========================

Edit: 7:37 pm:

This is a good place to make a REMinder about 737 MAX Airplanes and that I was there, at Boeing Seattle in 1998 when the place was taken by machine gun wielding terror soldiers who did not speak any English at all.

“What did those guys look like?”

Thank you for asking, good question.

You know that Die Hard movie with Bruce Willis at the Christmas Party?

Those blonde guys with long hair. They looked just exactly like those guys, at two of them did.

They killed all of the office workers. Young women who worked in the office at Boeing Seattle. They were called out to the airplane assembly area near the big door to the enormous hanger that Boeing is. It’s a big hanger where airplanes are built.

The women were lined up against a wall, told to say who they were, and what their job titles were, then, the people were separated, “these people over here, those people go over there”, and one of the groups of all women were shot against the wall. There was someone there in the Boeing tour group that I was part of who did some interpreting for the people with the machine guns. I was asked to speak to the women before they were shot also, to ask them what their job title were.

The bottom line here is that all of the math works out that SAG/Britain/Vatican/German terror is planning to use those “Grounded” (modified for terror) 737 MAX to do aerial spraying of poison gas over large populous regions some where. I suspect it’s a global operation in USA and Asia, maybe South America too. There are a whole bunch of those airplanes, plenty of time to make modifications has passed, and they had time to move them around to different parts of the world also.

I suspect Mustard Gas.

Also, reminder that I was there in 1970 when all of those rock star musicians I tell of from time to time were saying that the goal was to eliminate the population of the world, to reduce the population of the WORLD to about 500,000 people. That’s Half-Million people remaining after the “50 Year Plan“ is done. (Five-Hundred-Thousand inhabitants of the globe)

They were serious about that. We can see that they were serious about that. There are numerous clues, indicators, guidance, all that leads to a global depopulation of Biblical Re-Genisis magnitude.

Start Over... is the plan.

Those with SAG Cards in good standing, dues paid in full, might survive, if they are among the ones who draw the long straws, not the short ones at the “Heaven’s Gate” somewhere. (SWSX Terror Convention; It’s compass, points down, and to the left, depending on what hemisphere you are on at the time you take a look at the compass. I think. Maybe it’s a Thompson, goes up, and to the right when fitted with a full drum magazine, so, Hemispherical considerations are warranted, with respect to the right & left hemisphere’s of the human brain, for making the correct choices at the SXSW terror convention on Judgement Day for SAG Card Holders w/Dues Paid in Full, card in good standing)

This is not a joke, I am not making this up.

I was there. At the table at the time.

I was about ten years old. I remember.

So, that is the most important thing to know about why Donald Trump could have been inside of a Salem Oregon Government Bus at the Fred Meyer Gas Station on the 6th of January, 2021, and exploded when the shit went side-ways.

What’s more important is the date, the timing seems to be on or near the 20th of January, 2021, for the planned Boeing MAX aerial Mustard Attack of the world. (Grey Poupon, for decoding purposes. French’s will also work for decoding Twitter news, and promotional email from Music Industry Advertisers and Retailers)

Oregon is the place where a vast majority of the terror is HQ’d. California is where the most leadership is, Washington DC are all puppets, only the messengers, as far as I can tell. Congress is a voice of hidden leadership at corporate offices of all kinds, perhaps. But the highest of terror high command appears to be the “Amp Guru” the “Jim Dunlop” the “Vatican Choir”. Those seem to be higher command level than “British House of Lords”, or, could actually be the very same, could be British House of Lords = Amp Guru.

I still recommend the best defense for immediate results is to take Twitter offline. Make it go away. Even a temporary hiatus for a couple of months would help. The most commands come through the Twitter news stories, coded into them.

Would the world be so horrible without Twitter that the safety measure cannot be done at least temporarily?

Google is the same as the Pope’s Office Filing Secretary.

Google corporate and the mechanisms the make it work have to be taken into custody of Global Security persons who are opposed to being exterminated like a bug in a jar filled with Raid. Are there such persons left alive somewhere?

======================

Edit: 8:45 pm:

There are some people who know that the explanation about the Boeing 737 MAX attack already has come to this very point once before in the past. Only few people are aware of that, and all of the recorded documentation was deleted, made unavailable for me, but is available to others somewhere, I don’t know exactly where, but the Oval Office is a likely place to find those records, or access to them, from Beta Twitter in around 2008 and also on old Tumblr account, and also on old Google+ accounts.

The people who stopped the attack the first time are probably all dead now.

So, here you go, there is no Russia.

Don’t drop this this time:

It’s Mongolia.

They are no terrorists in Mongolia. They don‘t have any nuclear warheads in Mongolia, I don‘t think Mongolian’s even have an internet.

=========================

Edit: 9:08 pm:

Think about this please:

Size and scope demonstration of Vatican pirating in USA:

Let’s say you are a terror army leader who’s army uses nitrous oxide as a primary weapon, your goal for the time being is the kill and replace as many US Citizen voters as possible without being caught. You need a way to get nitrous gas into as many households as is possible. So, you convince the Residential Window Manufactures that they need some representation in DC, to lobby for concerns about climate change that affect the manufacture rules for window makers. The window manufacturers consortium is created because you are really good salesman. So, once that is done, you convince congress that it’s a good idea to mandate that there will be some small holes put onto the bottom of all the windows sold in USA, “Weep Holes” are invented for the purpose that if some condensation happens to gather on the windows, it will drip down safely out of the house through the “Weep Holes” in all of the windows, from now on.

That way, since you need to get the nitrous into as many homes as is possible, it’s much easier to do if the window has some holes there for the terror army to use a means of putting the gas into the houses so the people can be killed and replaced with other people who will vote the way you tell them to vote, making everything more predictable at election time later on.

There, you just managed to create a easy way so your terror soldiers can do their job faster, better, and by government mandate with blessings from the Window Manufacturers Consortium who are people who care about climate change.

You have been doing this a long time, and are so skilled as a salesman, that you can sell moccasins to an Eskimo, and snow shoes to a native American in Arizona, no problem.

You learned long ago, that making things easy for the pirates, speeds the boat along and that a little grease in the grooves makes the guillotine blade come down much smoother. Holes in the window, are grease on a guillotine groove.

===========================

Edit: 9:34 pm:

I go to the store, and there is always some asshole who wants to bum a cigarette as I come out of the store, or wants a couple of dollars for gas.

That’s a lobbyist in training.

A lobbyist, literally, are people who go to places where congressional members are likely to be, such as in the lobby at Capitol Hill. The congressional members need to come out of their offices at least once per day, so, go bum a smoke, hang out in the lobby and wait until they walk by, to ask for some gas money.

===============================

Edit: 10:03 pm:

(Pacific Power Corp turned off my power for just one second as I went to share this next part here, as I pasted the URL for this Buick Commercial, the power went off long enough to knock out my modem, and stop my computer from running. This is big terror news here, it’s revealing, is a major peice of evidence of the Window Manufacturer’s Consortium being used to put holes in everyone’s windows, by government mandate)

As I was saying when I was so rudely interrupted by Pac-Pow:

You are are a Christian Pirate Leader, are on TV, and with this commercial have instructed millions of terror pirate scalawags that you were successful at putting holes in all of the windows in USA, and their job will be much easier after all of the new houses are built after this ad was aired.

Grease, on the grooves of the guillotine ad:

Edit: 10:23 pm:

I need some assistance to keep the connection from being hijacked all the time.

Pac-Pow zapped my power, but that is not all, the Centurylink/Google/Tumblr terror consortium is still fucking with me also. Pac-Pow is the right hand, Centurylink is the left hand, Google is the brains of the three, and tumblr is like a pen that won‘t work all of the time, or a pencil that keeps breaking, have to keep sharpening the damn thing.

That Norton product is fake, I pay a lot of money annually for Norton 360, but they give me that fake one, I can’t do anything about it. It’s been fake since day one. I have been able to get a real copy in the past, but they change it in the background to that fake one. It’s been about fifteen years since I was able to download the real Symantec product. I pay for Norton 360, but I get Symantec Life Lock instead. Centurylink can and does do a lot of invisible hokus pokus with that fake product they came up with. You could have the same problem on your computer. There is nothing you can do to get the product you pay for, that is what you get. It never finds any problems, ever.

My computer must be perfect.

That thing that happened with the power going off was like this, I suspect:

I went to YouTube. I knew exactly what I was looking for. I typed a YouTube search for “Buick commercial with All Buick’s will have holes in the side”, which is another commercial about the same thing, except the ad says “all Buick’s will have holes in the side” on the commercial I was specifically looking for on YouTube. Then, what happened, is a flag went up at Google HQ, they know that the Buick commercials are a problem, so the called Pacific Power right away to scare me away from posting the commercial to show you about the Weep Hole terror at the US Government Mandate level.

Google initiated the power cut at my house, lasted only a second or two.

Please help make the connection secure at least, if you won‘t send medical help.

=============================

Edit: 11:17 pm:

Local Update:

A walk to the mailbox was uneventful.

There is no mail, just air inside the mailbox.

It’s warm, is 51 degrees outside and drizzling.

The warmth could be the reason my vision is do good today, as the forced air heating has not been on much today, I have the thermostat set for 59 degrees lately, down from 61 degrees after getting a giant size electric bill last month. The warm temperature and absence of use of the return air making the negative pressure condition could be why not much airborne gas came into the house today, my vision was very good for all but about one hour today.

The Myers have all of their interior lights turned off, and have a altarnate porch light turned on at the addition entrance that was put onto the house about three years ago. The holiday lighting around the door remains on.

Chapman’s is showing signs of strangers at 3701 Russell road with unusual lighting habits.

All remains dark at 520.

I did not pay attention to trash can conditions, was interested in Myers.

Freebergs is nearly dark, one internal house light can be seen from the road, just one small string of holiday lights out by the roadside is on.

Monroe Offensive Trailer has lighting on at the entry and a small blue glow in the rearmost part of the trailer is present. Monroe’s trailer was dark last night. The Copper colored Toyota or GMC Canyon truck that was at the Monroe trailer is no longer there at the trailer, could be in the driveway as usual. I did not go over that way.

Bells is all dark from where I can see.

I don’t have a view of Phillips 507 to ever say anything about, but there has been absence of activity there for some time, but I don‘t go outside often enough to know about much activity, only static conditions. It’s too dangerous to go outdoors in day time for any length of time.

Chartrand’s is per yesterday as far as I can see.

Dietrick’s turned off the extra porch yellow bug light that was on last night, it’s back to one yellow porch light showing now.

Clyde Baum’s seems a bit darker, less lighting than is usual. I don‘t have good access to a view to know what is normal and was is not.

If I looked at Strong’s, I did not see anything remarkable, I was in hurry, and did not want to fuck around, so, I don’t know, have to look later.

That’s all.

There were no indications of traffic noises near or far.

The Norton security “background tasks” pop-up window was on the computer screen when I returned from a five minute walk. Only five minutes of idle time had taken place, as is usual for the Norton pop-up, despite that it’s supposed to wait about a half-hour before doing background idle work.

The Norton pop-ups are being used to fool someone, somewhere, and have been for many years.

The heater was just on, my vision is poor now.

======================================

Edit: 1-13-2021: 12:06 am:

The thing about the “Weep Holes” in the windows, I have known for decades, I did not know the magnitude of it though until more recently.

I was held captive by Eastwood Guitars and other music industry terror operatives in around 1998 - 2002, forced to design many things for many different terror cells. This guitar is one of my designs. I have never been given credit for any of the things I designed, but that is not important, what is important is that I included a lot of hidden ideas into the things I was forced to design, and this Bucklund model is one of them. It’s designed after, and in association to my knowledge of the Weep Holes, and their connection to the Buick advertising. The guitar is a Buick. It was done to show later, if I could get free of the captivity, that the window Weep Holes are a product of terrorism, done by the same groups of people who were holding me and my family captive.

I am free of that captivity, but into another kind of the same captivity now.

It’s a Buick.

It was designed to explain the Weep Holes that were put there so that the nitrous would be easier to put into the victims homes.

===========================

Edit: 1-13-2021: 12:39 am:

One more time:

The nitrous oxide gas won’t hurt you, and, it won’t hurt the sword wielding terror Christian Pirate who is putting it up your nose. You don‘t smell it. You don‘t see any gas. You can‘t taste that the gas is there. You have no idea that you are being gassed. The terror soldier is fully aware of where the gas is, what direction it will go. They can take precautions that you are not going to do.

The gas does not hurt you. It does make you dumber than a box of rocks at a quarry. Stupid dumb. You will laugh your ass off, as the terror soldiers entertains you momentarily, just long enough to make you put your hands into the hand cuffs they bring with them. The sword is a last resort, just in case you fight back. They want to capture you, not kill you right away. They need to know where the rest of your family is at, and where your assets are at, and how to access them. They take you to a dungeon, basement somewhere, or a empty warehouse to torture you so you will talk. Once they are done, you will be begging them to kill you, it’s that bad.

The gas does not kill you, won‘t hurt you.

The terror soldiers kill you.

The nitrous works as a truth serum, it removes all of your instincts to protect yourself, is invisible in every way, it will make you tell the truth, you cannot tell a lie when exposed to nitrous gas, it won‘t work if you try. You will lead them directly to your family. It’s a pain reliever, you won‘t scream, they can torture you at a mall parking lot at Christmas time, you won‘t scream, no one will know as they pass by with Black Friday Sale Items.

You are not immune to nitrous gas.

If you think you are stronger than the gas, you are fool, and are exactly the kind of victim that makes a good target.

Terror soldiers, Christian Pirates, do the killing, not the gas.

That, and it’s cheap to make. For $50 you can buy everything needed to make an ample supply at any well stocked farm supply store, a visit to a department store for a coffee maker, and gag shop for some balloons to store it in. For another $50 you can get the professional pressure tank at any well equipped plumbers supply outlet.

Plumbers test ball is the preferred pressure tank among the Christian terror pirates, rectally holstered:

=======================

Edit: 1-13-2021: 3:01 am:

I am being throttled by the internet terror consortium, Google/Centurylink/Tumblr in so many ways it’s not easy to know which of the group is doing what particular digital hokus pokus.

For the past few hours, these conditions are notable:

The day started with the Tumblr app notice on my previous post featuring Donald Trump on the cover of the Rolling Stone, then, I was not allowed to make additional edits to that, had to start a new post, this one.

After that, the page I was working on, would jump all around, I go to type some words, and the page goes flying up to some other place.... have to find my curser,  I know it must be around here somewhere... so, that happened all day.

Then later, after the bit about the plumbers test ball, the internet just stopped working... the computer was working. The modem was working. All of the internet connections where in place, and were working, but there was no connection... all of the pages I tried to go to were blank.

“Sorry, we can‘t find that web site, please try again later and check your connection settings...”

Assholes.

One page did work. I was able to connect to Google Gmail to see the contents of my Google Gmail. Yahpoo mail was gone, so was Wikipedia Ten Codes link... all blank, but all the modem lights were on, and the internet connection indicator said all was good.

It was like I was totally stranded, even worse than I already am stranded.

I broke the internet.

The whole thing for about two hours.

This happened:

See, says it’s all good at the bottom right where the internet connection icon is at.

They gave me that scary message, says my privacy is important there at the top... they are going to go ahead and route my privacy somewhere else, it says.

Terrorist bastards.

That was the case after posting the photo of the plumbers test ball, immediately after that.

I am glad it works now. Even if there is no one there who will talk to me.

I got a phone call on Sunday, it’s Wednesday now, but I did not answer the phone call, or check the message, it’s too dangerous to check a phone message when the US President is chasing after you, to kill you. Trust me, that is scary.

=============================

This Just In:

1-13-2021: 2:50 pm:

See that? The way the movie camera icon is not working?

The Google/Centurylink/Tumblr internet terror consortium strikes again. They won‘t let me post the link to the Ozzy Ozbourne version of the Stepenwolf song Born to be Wild, where it’s all different kinds of fucked up at Ozzy’s House too.

Did you know that Ozzy Ozbourne has gone through somewhere around 22 spinal surgeries in his lifetime? All result of Amp Guru and the Vatican Choir terror pirates beating the living daylight out of him for writing and singing the revealing lyrical content he exposes in his music. They didn‘t send him the Great Gig in the Sky just yet, instead, the tossed Sharron at him, and then later, the gave him a reality TV show, Jimmi Hendrix Stage Rush style at his house every minute of every day.

Look at the date of the weird Ozzy song at the linked page above.

Ozzy, doing Stepenwolf’s Born to be Wild, featuring Ms. Piggy and The Count on backing vocals:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1NGzog11vc

(Factoid: It is musically forbidden to do a cover of Born to be Wild, and/or Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water, the Vatican Choir Amp Guru murder police will track you down, burn your guitar, and bury you in your amplifier if your band plays those at a night club)

Save Ozzy, save the world. He can tell all, people will listen.

Note to Mr. Osbourne: You may not remember the day I chased those Amp Guru thugs out of your house in So Cal, but if you think about that very narrow doorway at your studio, the one I walked through and sat down, and wrote you a note, to say what little I knew at the time, you may recall the day I chased thugs from your home.

===================

1-13-2021: 3:30 pm:

Terror math:

It’s about the Bass (Base) of Global terror.

Black Sabbath: N.I.B.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jB84LL-Z8TU

Just the title is all you need.

There must be a Knight around here somewhere, a stowaway scalawag.

Perspective is necessary from a listener, audience standpoint.

You need prerequisite knowledge about coded language of the entertainment industry, here, specifically, scale is not a factor. Whatever it is, can be as large or small as is needed at a given time, so, ...

N.I.B. contains three periods. Those are “Blood”, “Moons”, “Months”, “Heads”, “Stones” and “O’s”... other as needed.

So, N.I.B. = NOIOBO

It’s a SAG thing to start with (Head Start). Ozzy and SAG are not getting along very well at the time.

Three Stooges show up, beat the living daylight out of Ozzy Osbourne for having recorded the song “War Pigs”.

So, “Spread Out”: N O I O B O

Step the fuck back, have a look.

We have to consider the global magnitude:

Ozzy is from Britain, or UK, somewhere close to the source (Sorcerer)

So, they sort things out over there, God’s job. is to sort things out. (Google)

So, sort it out: “N O Ten Downing B O”

Maybe we can Start there.

I see nitrous there. N O  is nitrous.

“Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing B O”

Sounds offensive to me.

“Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing B Offensive”

Hmmmm....

Where is that Ten Downing (I O Downing) again? It’s in Britain, we already decided it was all about the Bass (Base).

“Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing British Offensive”

Conclusion:

“N.I.B. = Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing British Offensive” 

Perspective:

N.I.B. by Black Sabbath

(Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing British Offensive by Black Sabbath)

(Nitrous Oxide Ten Downing British Offensive by NO² Sunday, See?)

Oh, yeah

Some people say my love, cannot be true Please believe me, my love, and I'll show you I will give you those things, you thought unreal The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal

Oh, yeah

Follow me now and you, will not regret Leavin' the life you led, before we met You are the first to have, this love of mine Forever with me 'til the end of time

Your love for me has just got to be real Before you know the way, I'm goin' to feel I'm goin' to feel, I'm goin' to feel

Oh, yeah

Now I have you with me, under my power Our love grows stronger now, with every hour Look into my eyes, you'll see who I'm My name is Lucifer, please take my hand

Oh, yeah

Follow me now and you, will not regret Leaving the life you led, before we met You are the first to have, this love of mine Forever with me 'til the end of time

Your love for me has just got to be real Before you know the way, I'm goin' to feel I'm goin' to feel, I'm goin' to feel

Oh, yeah

Now I have you with me, under my power Our love grows stronger now, with every hour Look into my eyes, you'll see who I'm My name is Lucifer, please take my hand

Songwriters: Butler Terrence (usa 2), Iommi F Frank

For non-commercial use only.

Data from: Musixmatch

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You can decode the lyrics on your own.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Black Sabbath: War Pigs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_A6y58afFY

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

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Etcetera, and so on ...

It’s Christian Pirate terror math. They do addition, with subtraction.

HMS Eleaner Rigby, is the name of the British Submarine Christian Pirate Ship.

13 January 9600

March 13 9600

3139600

Play the turn-a-round:

1339600

There is something fishy going on.

Play the turn-a-round again:

1336900

Stooges come on stage, get in your face for playing Born to be Wild:

Spread out:

13 369 00

Pirates are superstition bastards:

They want me to spread that 1 and 3 apart. Fuck that.

369 is International Pirate Code for: Eternal Progression. Eternal Power. Infinite Control, and other ways of saying that the pirating will continue ...

Fuck that too.

They work the math a little different than I do:

The double zero’s, are “Dead Bitches” in Pirate Speak.

AAaarrggghhhh!

There is more than one way to be a Pirate!

Davey Jones in Locher:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br_-a21Myls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM8PHrArL_E

[mercydix]

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

[athousandheartsattack]

I started paying real attention to music in 1989. I was at summer camp and I taped two U2 albums, War and Unforgettable Fire, on someone’s boombox that had two cassette players so you could make tape copies (also, later on that same summer, I bought The Cure’s Boys Don’t Cry, my first purchased cassette). I was 14 years old. I listened to Unforgettable Fire a lot, War not so much (I got into that album much later) but at the time I gravitated towards The Cure more. It isn’t until Achtung Baby (an album that, over 25 years later, still gets tons of play in my home) that I fell in love. Every U2 album released since then has, on first listen, been a letdown. They’ll never make Achtung Baby again. It is a messy, beautiful, dark, noisy masterpiece. Let’s do the post AB rundown: Zooropa has a few classics but also has many (too many) throwaway tracks. Pop is admirable in its bold attempt at, basically, anti-pop pop, but I still can’t make up my mind about whether or not it’s any good (I like it, though I spent years unable to stand it). All That You Can’t Leave Behind was well received because it basically wasn’t Pop, but it’s a bland album that has very few keepers (I’m a guy who cannot stand Elevation, but there’s no denying Beautiful Day is great). How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is a great late U2 offering (what a great album title!) and while it’s uneven – especially in the back half – it has some truly amazing songs and renewed my faith that the band was capable of greatness. Then they release No Line On The Horizon, which is their worst album by a mile. It opens AMAZINGLY well, the first few moments of the title track are a burst of great, noisy guitar and really dynamic singing and everything works so goddamn well and then they shit the bed with a chorus that stops the momentum of the song dead. The album never recuperates. It has songs that range from “it’s ok, I guess” to “awful”. I love this band, but there you have it. Here’s the funny thing, though: that album is bookended by the release of two U2 classic singles: Window In The Sky, a fantastic single released in 2006 that was never on any album, and the powerful Invisible, released in 2014 as a single and later showing up as a hidden song on the deluxe edition of their next album, Songs Of Innocence. Again, both of these tracks are top of the shelve U2. Just when you think that’s it, they’re out of ideas; they give you a nugget of gold to prove you wrong. This brings us to Songs Of Innocence, and album best described as fine. It has some good songs, no classics, and a few throwaways on the b side. So the post Achtung Baby U2 is a band that is easy to love (they keep coming up with great singles) and easy to be let down by (other than Atomic Bomb – which comes closest to being a fully great album - most of those albums are good to great EPs padded up to long players with a handful of disposable tracks…)

And this all leads us to Songs Of Experience, their best, most even album since Achtung Baby. Not as good as AB, but what a relief to hear a U2 album with no skippable tracks. Not a one. The quality varies, they’re not all classics, but there’s nothing on here that makes me ashamed of liking that band (I’m looking at you, Stand Up Comedy). So let’s have at it, shall we?

It’s earnest. I think that’s what I like the most about it. It wears it all on its sleeve. It’s fragile and vulnerable and scared and angry and in love and thankful and happy and romantic and loving. So it’s cheesy. It’s corny. Three songs have the word “love” in the title. There’s a lot of talk about the power of love all over these songs. To me that’s a good thing. I like cheesy, my friends know this. Show me a teen movie third act victorious prom scene and I will cry, guaranteed. So I’m fine with someone one belting out that Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way. You, however, might not be. This is my review. Go be cynical somewhere else.

Another thing that will maybe put some people off is how clean and safe the album is. This is a white glove album. Nothing here will upset anyone. U2 have done stuff in the past that, umm, flustered some folks (I won’t get into any of that here, this is about the music) so I think they had a very strong desire to please. That being said, this is superb, efficient song writing. So let’s talk about the songs. All of them. Yes, this will be that type of review.

The album opener is called Love Is All We Have Left. It’s great. It reminds me of Unforgettable Fire era U2, more specifically its B side. It’s a subdued, short song (under three minutes) with no drums and no guitar (unless it’s heavily filtered and I didn’t recognize it as such). Just strings, voice and studio fidgiting. It’s lovely and earnest and full of grace. Maybe it’s cheesy. It’s a fantastic start to the album. It also has the only weird, out of left feel move on the entire album: on the second verse the voice is auto-tuned. I love it. It feels a little like Bon-Iver, maybe. It works, and when the voice returns to swoon us into its chorus, it’s all the more effective. Might not be everyone’s cup of tea, though.

That is followed by Lights Of Home, which is kind of part Rolling Stones, part White Stripes, with a great gospel bridge at the end. Simple chords with no showy effects. I think it would have fit nicely on Rattle And Hum, an album I really like. The Haim sisters are on this track. I really like the gospel bit.

You’re The Best Thing About me is the weakest song on the album, but it has such a great, catchy and infectious chorus that I can’t skip it. I’m just not crazy about how it starts, but I like everything after those first 30 seconds. There’s a lovely bit of The Edge singing (who, by the way, does stellar backing vocal almost throughout the album) towards the end, something about someone needing to be loved quietly, which I think is beautiful.

Get Out Of Your Own Way is stadium-sized U2. A big, Beautiful Day-style anthem full of hooks that, like some other songs on this album, could be faulted with trying a little too hard, but I like that. It’s better than not trying at all (and in U2’s defence it has never felt, in 40+ years of making music, like they didn’t care about the music they are making. These guys try, like, all the damn time). That song ends (and the next one starts) with a powerful guest spot by Kendrik Lamar. I’m just mentioning this. Maybe you like him? He’s there.

American Soul is GREAT. I loooove how that song starts: Kendrik Lamar says what he has to say and then some big, fat, dirty chords are banged out of a guitar, it feels like White Stripes again, with the drum pounding in time. Just two chords. Bam-Bam. Then silence. Then two more. BAM-BAM. Then two more again. Then the song takes off. An angry, anti-Trump, pro-refugee, pro America (the inspiring, idea of America, not the travesty of that dream that’s on the news every fucking day). That song is the first of two songs that borrow from Songs Of Innocence. In this case the chorus is taken straight from a bridge in the song Volcano. It is used better here, in a song that is better than Volcano. This happens again on the album closer, we’ll get to that in a bit.

Summer Of Love is a great little diddy, with a beautiful vocal melody and simple chords stripped once again of the big fat pedals effects that The Edge is normally so fond of. The song is great, it never goes for epicness, it never tries to be more than what it is. Just a lovely little song. Well written, everyone in the band understanding where this thing needs to go (this is true of the entire album: it is played by a band whose members are all on the same page about tone and feeling and purpose, it shows). I have a criticism, though. In the middle of the song there is a switch. It’s good. The guitar becomes a bit distorted (just a bit, calm down) and the vocals become more dramatic for a bit and then the song returns to its status quo in a formidable bit of manoeuvering and strings come in and it’s all good, but that initial switch is a bit weird. It feels like another song was tacked onto the one you’re listening to. It’s a rushed bit of mixing. But that doesn’t kill the song, it’s just a transition that maybe could’ve been smoother. Or maybe that’s how they want this to sound, who am I to judge?

Red Flag day is one of the stand-out tracks from the album (certainly from the A side – the B-side of this album is unbelievably strong). This song sounds like War-era U2. It feels rebellious and youthful. The guitar and bass hooks are so fucking good. Very propulsive. Again, very simple chords, very little effects. Just good song writing.

I love the next song so much, but some people won’t stomach it I think. It’s called The Showman (Little More Better) and it sounds like early Beatles. For real. It’s a light, insanely catchy little pop gem that hasn’t failed to put a smile on my face since my first listen. Maybe U2 aren’t supposed to do Beatles-type songs, but here I am, glad that they did.

The Little Things That Give You Away is a highlight for me. It could fit on Achtung Baby (after So Cruel or something). It starts off slow and builds up to one of the most classic, chill-inducing U2 moments on the album. It starts like something on Unforgettable Fire, with vague (but beautiful) echo-y guitar melodies that support the gorgeous vocal work. The chorus is achingly melancholic, and the final bridge builds and builds until you realize your feet aren’t touching the ground anymore. Definitely a keeper.

Landlady is a love letter from Bono to his wife. It has a classic U2-sounding guitar, think Unforgettable Fire and Joshua Tree, a lovely vocal melody, and a lot of respect, love and gratitude. It’s another one that doesn’t strive for big anthemic swells of melody, it is content to just be as beautiful as possible. What is interesting is that they could have easily made that song bigger, the final third begs to escalate, but the restraint is more powerful.

The Blackout is another rocker like American Soul. It is very much Adam Clayton’s song (the bass is so good). It has a good sing-along chorus but everytime you get back to the verse the song shines more. It’s fist-pumping, feet-stomping rock and roll. They have been trying to write that song for a long time, it seems (what with the Vertigos, the Get On Your Boots and so on) and here it feels like they know what they have is special.

Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way, the penultimate song on the record, will test you. It is really, sublimely cheesy. I like it a lot. I find that there is something defiant in being so boldly hopeful in these difficult times, to place all you have on the unstoppable, all-consuming urgency of love. The song is filled with gorgeous melodies, but there is, in particular, a chant that happens towards the end of the song that is so joyful, so buoyantly optimistic in the face of adversity, that it lifts the entire thing a mile into the sky. This is, once again, really big U2.

The album closes with 13 (There Is A Light). This is the second song to borrow from Songs Of Innocence, this time they re-purpose the entire chorus of Song For Someone, and once again I believe the end result is more powerful. This song mirrors the tone of the album opener. It is more atmospheric, with Bono quietly crooning to a slow subtle emotional build that pays off in beauty but not flamboyance. The song never gets big, it gets softly magnificent. Its restraint is resplendent. It’s a perfect way to end the album.

[procyonvulpecula]

“history of the entire world, i guess” script for copypastas

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you.

~HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?~

a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when."

that's how "every" it gets.

...

...

...

forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

*big bang*— pause

woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? ~quarks and stuff.~

ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

about no seconds later

great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's still too HOT.

ten minutes later

great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.

about 380,000 years later

great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together...

ten million years later

and it's getting closer together...

500 million years later

and it's getting closer togeth—

it's a star~!

new shit just got made!

*periodic table with heavier elements*

some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.

*periodic table with even more elements*

space dust!

which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!

so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. (planets appear) like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.

meteor hits earth

holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon

weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update...

it's raining.

severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert: that's land!

there'slifeintheocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

microscopic speck asexually reproduces

oh yeah, and it can do that.

reproduces three more times

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

~now you can eat sunlight!~

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.

taste the sun!

side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.

then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?

NO

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket! (ozone)

now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land!

"nope, can't walk yet."

"and there's no food yet, so i don't care."

100 million years later

okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

"maybe," said some bugs. and fish.

fish gasps for air

five million years later

okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!

idea: learn to use an egg.

"i was already doing that"

use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me. ~bye bye ocean~

50 million years later

and now everything's huge. (everything's huge) including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land? sure.

Permian extinction

oh, fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors. (thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, proterosuchus) keep your eye on this one (proterosuchus), because it's about to become

75 million years later

the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land. oh yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.

meteor strikes

~and the dinosaurs are gone~

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice:

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person!

and now they're everywhere. almost.

ice age!

what? you can walk over here? cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food.

fuck it. time to plant some grass.

look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. (farming)

tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground.

better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next?

more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,

~Society~

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also,

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

society count: 4

1) mesopotamia

2) egypt

3) china

4) indus river valley civilization

5) norte chico

...

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? (indo-europeans) and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks!

ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. (mycenean greeks)

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china

new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... (indo-europeans) or their cousins (indo-iranians) or something...

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...

you could make a religion out of this. (Hinduism)

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

~and they believe in God~

just one though (YHWH), and he's got like a ten-step program. (ten commandments: 1. i am god 2. no one else is god 3. don't make fun of my name 4. you can take saturday off 5. do what your parents say 6. don't murder anyone 7. don't get too sexy 8. don't rob anyone 9. don't lie about other people in court 10. don't want to do any of the things i just told you not to do)

here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—

it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big"

enlightenment

ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. (Buddhism)

oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

enlightenment

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye"

time to conquer all of india

...

most of india

but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices!

who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:

confucianism: have good morals

taoism: go with the flow

legalism: fuck you, obey the law

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

*xiongnu confederacy ransacks china*

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. (hellenization overload) bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyy!, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

"hi, everything's great," said some guy (jesus christ) who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. (christianity)

want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.

*conquering vietnam*

or you can get there on water

"sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

*NYOOOM!* there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. (china collapses into wei, wu and shu)

remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. (sassanid empire)

axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. (malay and bantu people populate madagascar)

china is whole again...

...then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels.

"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.

"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?"

"no"

"actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here (constantinople) to be closer to his main rival. (parthian empire) don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

~it's the golden age of india~

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.

guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone.

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.

how's india? broken.

how's china? ~back together~

how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them.

korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. ("how about sunrise land?" jingle plays)

intermission

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god (allah) whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this (islam) and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!

"let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? (tibet)

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.

the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. (greenland and iceland, which are icy and green respectively)

*prankd*

they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings."

there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—

CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!

which brand would you like? (roman catholic vs. eastern orthodox)

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"time to conquer england," said william.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks!

"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope.

"hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land."

"yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."

crusade! *FAIL*

they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. oh, there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff!

guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time!

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. (tui' tonga empire, colonising the pacific ocean)

i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. (great zimbabwe)

look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of

~Africa~

the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. (SPANISH INQUISITION)

whoops, half of europe just died. (black death)

ming! china's back, yay!

hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.

oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. X

majahapit. X

mapajahit. X

mahapajit. X

mapajahit. X

ma-ja-pa-hit? *ding!* :D

oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. (renaissance)

here's a printer. let's make books!

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. (constantinople, which the ottoman turks then conquer) don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

"what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless.

~"well i guess we'll have to find another way to india"~

"wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india."

"nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal.

so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?"

"no"

"please?"

"no"

"please?"

"wtf"

"no"

"please?"

"...okay"

so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies (carribean), and japan! (cuba) let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. (spain and portugal divide the new world between them)

the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe (death) just discovered their continent.

the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.

move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. (safavid empire)

let's make it the other kind of islam. (shia) the one where we thought the first guy (abu bakr) should've been the other guy (ali ibn bin talib).

hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! (indulgences now only $40,000!)

"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. (europe is divided into "fuck the church" and "no the church is ok")

"you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now.

"what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. (new spain) "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam.

"damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff."

question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver.

question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! (portuguese) stolen! (dutch) in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

(Russia's to-do-list: expand, grow in size, get bigger, get larger)

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion (Seven Years War - france, austria, spain, russia, sweden vs. britain, prussia, portugal, hanover, iroquois and more!) giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain.

guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. (australia - new south wales)

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

"let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli— NO DON'T

haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" - toussaint l'ouverture

wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. (instant replay - all the latin american colonies become independent, gran colombia breaks apart into ecuador, colombia and venezuela)

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products ~real fast.~ then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

"hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities (shanghai, ningbo, fuzhou, xiamen, guangzhou) and give them an island. (hong kong)

britain and russia are playing a game (the great game) where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.

also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives."

india just had a revolution (indian revolt), and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. (british raj)

incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE

technology is about to go crazy! (fax machine, elevator, pictures, a good screw, steel maker, lights?, engine, hippo-mobile, bird machines)

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. (civil war)  it's bad, they decided, (emancipation proclamation) and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

"i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. (scramble for africa)

*whisper* (they never got ethiopia...)

britain and france are still hungry. (various colonies in south-east asia)

*whisper* (they never got thailand...)

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more:

hawaii!

cuba!

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?

u.s.s. maine sinks

"let's blame the maine on spain."

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business. (united states takes cuba and philippines)

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... (united states looks curious)

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government (qing dynasty) and make a new, stronger government, (republic of china) which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy (yuan shikai) from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. (britain, france, russia, italy, japan, united states vs. austria-hungary, germany, ottoman empire, bulgaria and more!) look at those guns! (fire gun, gun plane, machine gun, gun car, exploding pineapple) it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one.

the war to end all wars!! world war 2 (not necessary)

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same.

~communism~

in the soviet union...

the arabs revolt (arab revolt, t.e.lawrence) and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. (british mandate for palestine) hopefully the arabs won't mind. (wtf)

"let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.

except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!

and then the saudis conquer arabia. (saudi arabia) it just seemed like the right thing to do.

phone rings

hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. (the great depression)

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two!

bonus round! pacific showdown

United States! vs. Japan!

FIGHT!!

(weapon select:

- boat

- plane

- extinction ball)

united states drops two extinction balls on japan

FINISH HIM!

let's unite all the nations (united nations) and have some world peace! seems legit.

"hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public."

britain leaves

"...wow, that worked?"

bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! ("israel" "palestine")

look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. (taiwan) i wonder which one is the real china...? (people's republic of china vs. republic of china on taiwan)

there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. (soviet union and united states) they're having a friendly debate over which economic system (communism or capitalism) is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool (cold war)and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

"i'll race you to space."

ussr launches sputnik and united states plants a flag on the moon

now let's make more countries fight themselves. (vietnam war)

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. (decolonisation) so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. (neo-colonialism)

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. (apartheid until 1991)

let's check the world population! (4 billion)

...woah. okay.

technology is better too, that might keep happening. (thinking box, game in a box, idea container, fire mixtape, music box, my terrible vacation)

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. (€) except britain, because they don't feel like it. (£)

let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer!

whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. (9/11 never forget)

phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket!

whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to.

surprise!... flying robots. with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and ~the ocean is full of plastic~!

"let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how.

"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool.

...

...

...by the way. where the hell are we?

thanks for watching history

i hope i mentioned everything

[steamingtoasterstrudel]

Selbstbeobachtung: Part one - Falling in love with two people... at once.

From a very young age, I became well acquainted with what it felt like to have unconditional love, and boy did I have a lot of it.

I grew up in a middle class household, in the middle of no where, with lots of empty space and farmland around. I was very much a sheltered child.  I was a very sexual being growing up, always curious about everything including human biology. I knew that it was taboo to ask about that kind of stuff, especially growing up in a very conservative family. I was very confused and conflicted for most of my life, but I knew that if i didn’t find a husband and get married that my family would be disappointed. I always joke that my grandma’s worst nightmare would be that I brought home a black woman and introduced her as my girlfriend. And she doesn’t know it had a very real chance of happening. Hell, I remember one time I called my mom all excited to share something and she assumed that I was coming out to her in that phone call.  And it’s sad, that people are so afraid of love. And yes while wielding it can be dangerous, if it is offered with a quiet, humble heart, it has so much potential.

I was always very approachable to people. My mom would say that when I was a baby I could just light up the whole room with my laugh. It seems that even then, I may have felt the burden of happiness. And may I say, I find it extremely hilarious that I feel so much purpose to serve people and make them happy and I can’t even fucking make myself happy. I will always struggle with depression and anxiety. Growing up through school I trusted too easy, affection came readily, and I wasn’t prepared for the denial of classmates. Little things that others could brush off I would focus on and beat myself up over. As I entered middle school I met Tabitha Oliver. We were fast friends, I like to think it’s because we were connected, soulmates even, this isn’t something until I realized later. For some reason I kept everyone in high school at a distance, and I think that is because my heart was guarded, or that I knew that most my love was already invested.  Everything always felt so raw and honestly I don’t think I could have handled large rejections. I am so quick to “I love you”. And I think it’s bizarre that others don’t. Life is just too short to not let people, that mean anything to you, know that you love them for whatever reason. That being said. There is a definite switch between friendly love and soulmate level of love. Passion is a whole other level of love/lust. I might go into these feelings deeper but right now I wanted to touch on my own identity.

I am a cis female, a pansexual, and at the moment, polyamorous. Some people may scoff at the “for a moment” bit. Life is always changing and so are wants and desires. I assume I will be poly until I die, but how can I know, so I prefer not to worry about it. I knew very early on that I was a pansexual. I didn’t care much for the outside of a person unless it was their smile, or the way their eyes would light up when they laughed. I didn’t care. Not only that but it wasn’t too frowned upon in society or my parents. They might have a hard time if I brought a lady home, but my  mom always taught me to follow my heart. Polyamoury was always taboo. It felt wrong. That I would be jealous because I am clingy in nature. So I always put it out of my mind. It wasn’t until my best friend passed that I came back to that thought. She was married, but even then I would come over to hang out just as I had in high school. We would all cuddle in the same bed, Tab sandwiched in the middle. When she got mad at her husband, we would talk often about how we would run off, and it never seemed like a joke. And thinking back on it. About how much I cared for her, wanted the world for her... she was my soulmate. This was my first taste on a poly relationship. She passed away suddenly in Aug. 2014. And after she died I became chronically depressed. I was depressed before, but now I was just overwhelmed. This was because I didn’t realize the weight of the loss. 

Now with this all in the back of my mind I started experiencing things as an “adult”. I was on my own, I now have a job and pay my own bills. The looming threat of disappointing my mother is only a small nag in my mind. I am dating someone that we’ve been through highs and lowest lows. His name is Andrew. We broke up after a year of dating, due to communication issues, but now are stronger than ever. And during this break I dated people. Partly to distract myself, but also because I needed to know what my heart wanted. Much like dormant volcano can become active once more, I realized my capacity for love again. I dated a handful of people that are still in my life today. I say that as if it was so long ago but it’s only been a year. During this break I realized two things. 1. I loved Andrew and wanted him in my life, one way or another. 2. I also started to have crushes for other people, that weren’t easily ignored.

Because poly was taboo I shut down these feelings and focused on rebuilding a healthy relationship with Andrew based on communication and friendship. I feel like this is one of the places most relationships go wrong. He is basically one of my best friends, and I can come to him for everything.  And I mean everything. See those people that I went on a handful of dates, they never left my mind. I think that is the curse of a big heart. Anyone that leaves an impression on me leaves it for good. And it got to the point where I think the universe basically threw them back into my lives on purpose even though I had lost their numbers in a phone I lost on the hood of a car.

I am happily dating 4 people. They range from a more serious, filling, life long love to a lower burning flame for people that I like being intimate with. I live with Andrew, and spend time with the rest in sort of a descending stair-step amount of time. From weekly, to another every month or so. Everyone knows about each other, or that I am poly, that one love doesn’t replace the other. And let me tell you poly is not for the faint of heart. Communication, confidence, and patience is key, if you want to keep multiple people happy. As a person that suffers from crippling depression, anxiety, and paranoia, my heart feels so much more free now, even with more people to worry about. And it’s such a bizarre feeling to be 23 and finally become acquainted with who you really are; essential I am a big squishy ball of anxiety and love for others.

It’s by no means easy to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced that level of intensity. Because I unconditionally love Andrew and will always. But lately I have begun to fall in love with someone and it’s such a different experience that there is no way in my head they could replace each other. If I lost either person, I would ache and feel their loss. And to explain to one soulmate that you will love them forever but may also love another is hard because as a society we are so guarded against love. I am so thankful to have Andrew, as he is incredibly understanding, and has told me many times that he can see it on my face how much the others mean to me. To be able to talk out my paranoias about the others with him is such a blessing. And while some may argue isn’t that what friends are for I respond with, “Yes. Exactly, now imagine spending the rest of your life with them. Having a small group of people that you trust unconditionally with your everything. Yeah. I want that for the rest of my life”.But ultimately, I know that I want to never settle on the topic of happiness. And that’s my goal, to live a happy life, but most of all share that happiness with others. I think that I am well on my way. ~