#but also even though he had pretty backwards beliefs about sex and stuff he also had some pretty revolutionary ideas for his time

[dovedrangeas]

weird rambly infodump about weird medical stuff, including medical leeches + maggots + mushrooms, im on mobile and can’t do a read more so just be prepared lol

———

basically, leeches are sometimes still used in medical situations today. their saliva has an anti coagulative in it (because it’s hard to drink blood when it keeps clotting up in ur mouth) n that can be really really useful in things like limb reattachments

blood vessels are so so small, it’s a challenge to get them all properly attached again, n a reattached limb might not get enough blood flow

so in some cases, let’s say reattaching a finger, when blood isn’t going to the finger due to collapsed blood vessels or other complications, leeches can be applied to it bc of the anti coagulation n it helps with bloodflow. their saliva also produces an anaesthetic so it’s generally not even that painful

and maggots are sometimes still used too, bc of how they only eat dead/infected tissue. they’re mostly used on non healing wounds or people who aren’t viable for surgery or who haven’t been helped by other medicines. they’ve been used for ages in field medicine, the earliest use i know of off the top of my head was during the revolutionary war but i don’t doubt that they were probably used much earlier

it’s fascinating to me bc it sounds so primitive and old timey but like. they weren’t entirely wrong about it those things? they had reason to believe it would help

there were a lot of really bad beliefs about medicine and how the body works in the past, but it’s kind of shocking how much they did understand. they just didn’t always know how to use their knowledge.

honestly that’s the case with a lot of past medicine. like medical trepanning (craniotomy) can be a really useful treatment for some problems, like swelling in the brain

one of my favourite examples of past people Knowing Things But Not Understanding Them is that they used to make tampons with opiuim and belladonna in them, bc the opium reduces pain n the belladonna makes muscles relax. it’s honestly pretty understandable logic

also i think it’s funny that some medical professionals could get to carry a box of leeches somewhere as part of their job.

(bonus infodump: there are a kind of bandages that are made partially of mushrooms, bc they contain chitosan which can help with wound healing. the other part of the bandages is made of recycled agro-industrial waste which is also pretty cool. it makes them easy to produce in large amounts. and it’s much cheaper than traditional bandages

it’s pretty neat to me bc usually chitosan is taken from shellfish, but thats pretty inefficient n could be really detrimental to the environment. but the mushroom used is way more common n can be obtained in much higher quantities, and its much cheaper and more available bc it pretty much grows everywhere, especially in rainy seasons)

old medical treatments n stuff are so interesting to learn about bc people were just working off all the knowledge they had at the time

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Candyman (1992)

All I know about Candyman is that I saw the movie cover innumerable times at Blockbuster as a child and it ALWAYS freaked me out. I think bees are involved? And a hook, and maybe a mirror? And the great Tony Todd, whom I know better from the Final Destination films, and whose voice is one of the all-time great voices in horror or anywhere else. With the new Jordan Peele-produced Candyman coming out this year (maybe...if, you know, movies ever come out again during the apocalypse), I wanted to watch the original for the first time, so I’d have an idea of what I was getting into. 

Basically a couple of grad students, Helen and Bernadette (Virginia Madsen and Kasi Lemmons), are studying local urban legends and folklore in Chicago when they find out about the legend of Candyman (Tony Todd), a murderous spirit that haunts the projects in Cabrini Green and the poor black folks who live there. As Helen digs deeper into the mystery, strange things start happening to her until she finally is forced to confront Candyman face-to-face and then things REALLY go off the rails. So is this a slasher movie filled with racial tension, the precursor to more cerebral horror fare like Get Out or Midsommar? Or is this more Eddie Murphy Vampire in Brooklyn 90s ridiculousness? Well...

Much more the former than the latter. There’s a lot of stuff going on here, and not all the ingredients in the smoothie work well together. There’s a lot of good - strong performances, some great set pieces, and some truly tense, nerve-wracking sequences. My 7-year-old self was definitely right to be super freaked out by that VHS cover.

Some thoughts:

Ok this Philip Glass soundtrack is already really unsettling and weird in a great way. It turns out the soundtrack is one of the elements that really makes this film memorable and stand out from typical slasher schlock.

Ah, it’s based on a story by Clive Barker, ok so this is gonna be violent and sexual and uncomfortable, got it. [Ed. note: this assessment was pretty accurate.]

I don’t understand in what universe you want to like, play a Bloody Mary type game when you’re about to have sex. Is that what turns some people on? I’m not here to kinkshame anyone, but I just feel like there are other ways to court a bit of danger during sex that don’t involve invoking a murderous mirror spirit. 

I am loving these oversized sweaters. Was any decade better for oversized sweaters than the 90s?

The set design is really incredible - this derelict building in the Cabrini Green projects is eerie, there’s an oppressive presence and an abandoned feeling to it all at the same time. And Wife pointed out that man, people really loved painting walls pink in the 90s, you just don’t see that kind of pink anymore. This movie has a really rich feel to it, like all the decisions were made with real craft and care. I can definitely see how this had ripple effects on other atmospheric horror, especially in urban settings, later down the road.

I can’t help but feel like our white woman protagonist is a tourist in a world she doesn’t understand. That sense of not belonging is a big part of the horror here, and at first I was very uncomfortable that this was playing into racist stereotypes of the young blonde white woman being threatened by all the big bad black people. But instead, the film humanizes and offers an air of protectiveness over the residents of Cabrini Green, and in many ways it is Helen who is shown to be the dangerous and harmful outsider.

The jump scares are real, and very effective.

Um what grad student has business cards tho, c’mon now.

Ah yes, the Clive Barker of it all arriving right on time with this completely unasked for child mutilation. 

I love Jake (DeJuan Guy) and his incredulousness. He’s a pretty fantastic and emotive child actor. 

Can I just say, Helen is really really out of Trevor’s (Xander Berkeley) league. I don't know what she sees in him. And it skeeves me out that he’s a professor and she’s a grad student because, although it’s never explicitly spelled out, I would bet a million dollars that she was his student. 

Man, Candyman looking fly as hell with that fur trimmed coat and those shiny black shoes. “Be my victim” ok, Tony Todd, ok, I’m on board!

OH NO THERE IS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE TO A DOG. IT’S VERY GRAPHIC AND SUDDEN AND UPSETTING EVEN THOUGH IT’S FAKE LOOKING.

There’s also a lot of tasteful sideboob if you’re into that sort of thing.

You know, grad school was a stressful time for me, but at least I can say I was never woke up covered in blood and was accused of murder. 

This dramatic motherfucker flying out the window backwards. Between this and the outfit, Candyman is extra AF.

I can’t get over how much Virginia Madsen resembles Gillian Anderson in early X-Files days. It’s similar facial structure and those big eyes, sure, but a lot of it is this hair as well. As any millenial lesbian can tell you, Gillian Anderson in early X-Files days was Very Important to our cause, so uh, I’m pretty into Helen’s whole vibe honestly. 

At first I thought this was going to be about racial symbolism and Candyman being a physical embodiment of the horrors inflicted upon the black community in urban environments, but thigs get muddy with this whole murder plot and framing of Helen as this victim of some supernatural conspiracy theory, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to take from it? But damn, this is compelling and stressful. 

OK but if she’s been in the hospital for a month, then this baby has been in this dirty ass room for a month with only a dramatic hook spectre man taking care of him? What did he feed baby Anthony?? I happen to know that he’s covered in bees and babies can’t eat honey. 

Why do they have a giant paperclip on their wall as decoration?

The actor who plays Trevor, Xander Berkeley, is so burned in my memory as the foster dad from Terminator 2 that I keep expecting him to make the same dumb face while he’s covered in blood (because let’s face it, I’m expecting EVERYONE to die in this movie, and he’s been particularly shitty) and ope time almost ran out but there it is! 1991/1992 were the glory days for this guy dying bloody in movies. 

Did I Cry? No, but I was VERY distressed about that dog :(

Overall, I can definitely see why this has entered the cult classic pantheon. Strong central performances from Virginia Madsen and Tony Todd carry a lot of this film, but there are elements that I’m still confused about, mainly due to a muddled and overstuffed plot. The racial injustice and lynching feels like rich material to draw from but then why is the belief in Candyman yielding the murders of other black people living in Cabrini Green? I would think the vengeance would be on the heads of the folks who actually did the lynching. Why did he have to kidnap the baby? Was it for leverage to get Helen to do what he wanted? Surely someone she had a stronger personal connection to - Bernadette, probably - would have been a wiser choice? And if, instead, this is all some Dracula-esque plot to reconnect with the reincarnated spirit of his long lost love, what on earth was all this other bullshit about? It’s a movie that works best when you don’t ask too many questions about it, and the soundtrack and visuals - especially that mouthful of bees - are ones that are going to stick in my memory for a long time. 

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[nosemasters-blog]

I. A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT BOOKS AND SUCH

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away there was a mother of one, sitting at her desk and writing whichever stupid thing came to her, on the job. In a library. Amongst books...it feels like cheating, should be using pen and paper...karma is bound to get me now, but is it though? Is it worse, cosmically, to deny the flow of evolution of all things (including the mighty interwebs) or to deny your beliefs that the system WILL crash because technology DOES think you're a doofus and books are awesome and paper is dead trees and nature will punish me either way so hurrah, another sin to add to the plethora! A pretty, pretty plethora of tiny fuckups that don't really matter because people kill for money and I guess, if I were God, I wouldn't care about the planktons either ("Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa", said God, as he came back from vacay to look upon humanity). And maaan, there are so many books...everyone is a writer. Everyone IS one, but these guys and gals made it. They're published. Sure, some of it sucks but you did it, you're living the dream. Not the most ambitious dream and not really luxurious (unless you wrote about vegan vampires falling in love, y’all!). And those are really some great subjects if you think about it, the demand is huge. Vegan stuff - check, vampires - check, love - *the system is shutting down*.

Muahahah I'm just pulling your tassels, love is great. Love is like books in so many ways, the more I think about it. And I've thought about it for the last 8 seconds. Books are old, so is love. Books smell nice, so does love. Books are full of crap but also beauty, so is love. Books are made by process of killing what lives in order to fulfill ones selfish intentions. HA! You see that? You wish you saw that.

Soooo, what was that? More importantly, why was that? Oh, right, talking about nothing to no one but myself. So, just a regular last 23 years of my life. It's good, I like it, I'm not complaining. It's healthy, talking to yourself. They did studies. Because people who do talk to themselves don't really have the money or time for psychologists so they had to prove it was normal so that we don’t freak out and become sex driven maniacs. Like that's bad, c'mon. As long as it's consensual and the cat is watching! Really, sex is like books, too. Everything is like books because I am literally surrounded by them. Yes, grammar nazis, fascists and other awful ideologies, I used it right because I am. Literally surrounded by books. Bet you don't believe me. Bet you wanna see a PHOTO TO PROVE IT. Ya sick, untrusting people. I'm just tickling your earlobe, you do you. And if someone tells you otherwise, boop their nose and they'll remain stupefied. Unless you doing you requires stabbing, slicing, invading, stealing, kidnapping and whatever else there is in the beautiful murder rainbow, whether it's emotional or physical. Then, please report to the nearest police station unless you're a psychopath or a sociopath or have a narcissistic personality or really any long term brain farts.

Oh, man (and woman)...I made myself sad for the world we live in and also, for the worlds we don't know about yet because do you really think alien life has built a purrrfect society? Na - ha. Sure, it may be more advanced and their genitals are probably prettier and more tucked in, like proper extraterrestrials but other than that? I bet ya those funky little grey (not green as we learned from the queen of everything that's unholy - Fox Mulder) men are into some weird stuff. They might not hurt each other physically cause "oh ma gawd we're so like above that" but I bet you they do it telepathically.

Haha...imagine two alien life forms, just chilling in the grass and one alien says to the other - with their mind - honey, you sure it's ok I go with the boys? And the other is - yes dear, you just go - and then she turns into liquid, starts glowing profusely and closes all three of her genital areas theatrically, turns back into her solid form and lights a cigar. Now that's a show I would watch. Then again, it was probably already made and cancelled after one season.

Have they learned NOTHING from Supernatural? One, salt may be killing humans slowly, but it sure freaks out the undead! Two, you never really die so yay, life is basically drinkopoly! Three, pretty gurls are: a) monsters, b) monster killers c) in distress. Four, family is important and sometimes, yes, they are in other dimensions than yourself but Lucifer is all consuming so focus on the good stuff. Five, just because you're a demon, doesn't mean you don't have a soul. Well it usually does, but you know what I'm...it's a thing, fans know, stop it. And most importantly, monsters are awesome, sci fi is a bottomless pit of possibilities (much like the universe…and books) and we still cry for Firefly.

This could go on forever but unlike Sam and Dean and almost everyone in the Supernatural universe, we don't have forever. WE don't have anything. We is me, me is we and we are all together. And to think I didn’t smoke anything today. If I did, I wouldn’t think about it, ay?

Welcome, welcome! Please, take of your shoes and mind the slippery signs so you don’t trip over one. We double as a road maintenance warehouse. To your left you can see a beautiful valley filled with dinosaurs an - - oh my, a dragon just flew by! My, my this one really doesn’t care for historically accurate facts now, does she? - LIKE MOST OF HISTORY WASN’T ALREADY MADE UP, BRIAN! To your right you can see a small glimmer of what appears to be good judgement, says Brian, as he gesticulates elegantly with a slight smirk on his face. He does dress better than any snobby, imaginary British guy I know. And I don’t. Know any British guys, so… Moving on, moving on. We’re coming to a slight halt now, if you would please take out your silly pants and put them on. Very good. DON’T DO IT, BRIAN, YOU ASSMONGER. Now, on the count of three, spread out and make poopy! One…two…three!

Anyhoo, enough about me, let’s talk about me, weird voices in my head. Was commute bad from where you came or are you here to stay? I heard the view is really nice and I adore sleeping so there's much you can interrupt. Why, some nice tea would be super! Oh great, it's absinthe! Even superer!

You know…you’re doing great, life is good. It’s winter, winter is pretty. It is pretty. IT IS! It’s not just the Christmas time, holiday cheer bleeeeeh everyone jumping off roofs. It’s the air and all, you know. The nostalgia is real and solid, longing for the times that had past and that never were, like you know them as your own, like a shelf packed with old , expired jam and fresh, delicious jam intertwined in a big, fat, sticky ball of goodness and bitterness, none of which you can really catch, wouldn’t dare to take credit for. You know, winter. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And I would very much like for everyone to be happy, but they’re not. Mooooving on, cap’n, I see a great spiraling ahead!

Let me tell you, all of you, aaaaall of you *pointing a moving finger in front of my face*, always looking at the bright side is tough. It’s tough and sure, sucky upbringing helps and nasty people make you more resilient to sadness and it’s easy to be grumpy when out of toilet paper while pooping, but…don’t pretend like you don’t have a choice of doing good because it wasn’t done on your behalf or you have to be bad because other people are bad to you and around you and why the hell…if you already know you gotta poop…and sooner or later you gotta, because you would die otherwise…just put the toilet paper either in the close proximity of the poop bucket (throne, smellsafe, litterbox, queens lair, whichever you prefer) or if that’s too much hassle or your toilet area is Harry Potterish in size (both the man and the staircase cupboard) just don’t poop! Surely it became such a problem you should just stop already. Go do something else, find a hobby, go fish, catch and release or don’t, I don’t care. Point is, if you feel shitty, it’s probably your own fault.

And now, ladies and god makes mistakes too, get ready foooor *drumroll but backwards*

- fin -

[aleksandrakv]

Minor  reasons

So much time has passed since I’ve been loving Adam and everything has changed, including him, me, and the world, in ways I could never have predicted. There was a time once when I thought I knew some stuff, where things were going, but today, I can safely say I know nothing at all. I consider myself thoroughly disenchanted which, miraculously, hasn’t made me any less of his fan, quite the opposite.  

The major reasons are quite obvious to every Adam fan and are talked about and discussed on every social media platform on a daily basis: the voice, the talent, the charisma, either in combination or separately. But, it is the other, minor ones that have become increasingly apparent to me and turned out to be just as important, if not more so, in these challenging times. The minor reasons… it sounds so trivial, but behind this tiny, clumsy phrase lies a story about me becoming less and less tolerant in this newly immoral world of any moral and ethical flaws. The more intolerant I became, the larger my love for Adam grew, unlike many other artists. This is a story about how and why he stood the test of my freshly unforgiving mind and it has nothing to do with his political beliefs although if they were any different, I definitely wouldn’t be here. But here I am, thank you, Adam; talking about minor reasons for loving you.

The humbleness

Anyone who has ever watched Adam perform, especially with Queen, cannot deny that Adam exudes his particular brand of confidence, bravado or cockiness if you will, in spades when he is on stage. He is absolutely fantastic at it, too, and the fans lap it up like nectar of gods. But, if you have ever seen any interview of his, if you have ever heard him talk or read his words, you would know that he is so far from being cocky that it is almost difficult to connect him with his on stage persona. His voice is soft and sweet, his face warm, open and smiling, and his body language relaxed and peaceful.

At first, I thought that his stage behavior was simply his preferred modus operandi when on stage, his performing style, but upon further rumination I have decided that he comes off as cocky on stage because of a combination of factors which include his superior voice and talent, his stage moves and his acting skills which are always in service of the message of a song and not because he is like that by default or by nature. In other words, it is not a part of his character, but it is more of a side-effect, a brilliant one at that, of his performance. It’s an act and he does it excellently, the best and most recent evidence being his epic front man battle with James Corden where he was larger than life. Luckily, I think everybody seemed to understand that, I would have hated if people found him pretentious. In reality, he is as humble and down to earth as he appears in his interviews and it is not just about his words or the softness of his voice. His humbleness is real and deep.

The modesty

Adam has never paid himself thinly veiled compliments like other musicians constantly do. It’s in little details: for example, Olly Alexander of Years&Years, who has a specific colour to his voice which is very similar to that of Stevie Wonder, every single time he gets a question during an interview who his favourite singer is, always replies that it is Stevie Wonder. Really. At the same time, the list of singers Adam has always praised is so long and varied, from Adele to Troye Sivan, who couldn’t be more different from him in every way possible. He has always very carefully avoided implying in any way that he finds his voice outstanding. Adam, an amazing vocalist, one of the best, has even gone so far as to point out what he finds lacking in his own voice.

The generosity

He is always so ready to say nice things about others. He very often  makes music recommendations, praises other artists whenever he has a chance and has never shied away from talking about other musicians in very flattering ways. His latest interview on Access Hollywood where he talked about Lady Gaga being the prime example - he not only talked highly of her talent and expressed faith in her performance, but also defended her artistic journey from undeserved criticism in the sweetest way possible.

Such displays of honest appreciation without any hint of jealousy or bitterness are so rare, and make me choke up with love for him. I love when he talks about other musicians, I love his nobleness and selflessness and sometimes it seems like he feels more comfortable talking about others than himself. It’s such a strange occurrence in this dog eat dog world where even when other artists do talk about their colleagues, it is usually a business thing.  

The class

Another phenomenon practiced by most artists but not Adam and, as a pop culture aficionado, I’ve seen it a million times by now, is subtly glorifying their talents and skills by either speaking dismissively about their colleagues who have different skill sets or talents, or over-inflating their own fortes in an extremely indiscreet manner.

For example, there are many interviews with artists (e.g. Troye, Matty Healy of the 1975 and on occasion Olly) who might not be the most superlative singers, but they do write their own songs, with others, mind you, where they very intently focus on the authorship as the most important and most worthy aspect of creation and artistic expression – which would be completely fine if they didn’t at the same time make obvious digs at other artists who do not happen to be authors of their songs. The implication that they are just the right type of artist is so pre-school and comes off as uncultured to say the least. What makes them do that is beyond me, but if I had to guess, I would attribute it to their own insecurities and lack of class.

The privacy

I know that Adam watches some of these interviews because he follows the scene. I wonder what he thinks, if he dismisses such ideas as follies of the youth which will pass, or idiotic ramblings which will stay. Behind every Adam’s album and performance there are so many ideas and philosophies of his own, beliefs and experiences both personal and those heavily linked to his community and the city he lives in, that it’s a shame he rarely talks about them in greater extent as if he hides them from general public, refusing to go into too personal details. There is a whole humongous iceberg under that surface, but Adam will never reveal some things. He is very careful with what he shares and the most intimate parts of his soul will forever remain a mystery to us. A few general sentences is what we usually get and a few discreet clues for die hard fans.

I cannot help but wonder if Adam somehow miraculously turned into a pompous prick, put on a black turtle neck, crossed his legs and started ranting about his work ad nauseam, in other words if he would paddle his artsy boat as fervently as others do, would he be more appreciated by other paddlers, oops – sorry, I meant artists. The fact that he refuses to talk about his love life, sex life, breakups, heartaches and such in any detailed and overly revealing way, in today’s climate where everyone’s sob story is an instant sell be that in the form of a song, a book or a video, Adam’s determination to keep his emotional life as private as he can is considered a bad business move to say the least. Not artsy enough, definitely.

The support

Never, and I repeat never have I heard Adam dismiss other artists’ skills, or hear him praise his own abilities by talking how vocals are the most important part of being a singer because he knows that in that way he would be touting his own horn and he would never do that. Not only because he has more class than that, but also because in that way he would be indirectly offending other singers who are just not that great. He’s simply not that kind of a person. Incidentally, Adam has openly supported many artists, including both Troye and Olly on multiple occasions – they have never done a similar thing in return. Whether it is because they’re both much younger and find Adam great and successful enough that he doesn’t need their support, or because they don’t find Adam’s work worthy of support, is irrelevant. Sometimes, it’s not even about support, it’s simply about liking a song or a performance. In Adam’s case, it’s as simple as that: it’s a ‘Hey I like your song’, or ‘Hey I love your performance’ kind of thing. Very normal, very casual, so why so rare?

The manners

Adam is cool like that, mature and unconceited, not turning it into some kind of a tit-for-tat cheapness and I hope he remains that way forever. Sometimes, there are more tweets on his feed about other artists’ work than his own, which is also pretty rare. When you hear some artists talk about their work, you would think that they have managed to cure cancer and eradicate world hunger at the same time just by doing their job. They come off as such pompous pricks when they talk about their creative process, all artsy, serious and self-important. Even if you’re very successful, you don’t have to overinflate your own worth. It’s tacky. Adam would never call out  those pretentious, my-art-is-the-highest-form-of-art, pseudo-tortured types that their art and their public image is just as produced and just as managed as every other if not even more, even though he knows that is the case and even though such types are usually the first to question artistic authenticity of others.

The work ethics

Adam has never done that. Can you imagine what some such person would do if they switched shoes with Adam for a while? If they were in possession of THAT voice, that talent, working with Queen, doing everything Adam has done, branching out to so many fields… Sky would be their limit, I can tell. They would go on and on about every single tiny detail, painstakingly describing every step of their divine way. For example, as I imagine, where Adam was bending over backwards to pay the right amount of respect to the spirit of Freddie, and Brian and Roger and Queen in general and every Queen fan and their grandmother, talking about honour, what an honour it is for him, while at the same time completely quietly and discreetly doing an immense work of learning the entire Queen catalogue and singing those songs that are almost impossible to sing to the best of his amazing abilities… lesser people would be anything but quiet. Apart from a few occasional remarks, has Adam ever really commented on that? On his actual work? He is usually pretty laconic and insouciant about everything he does! It’s mindboggling, really.

The sophistication

Not only has Adam never bragged about anything he has ever done in an unclassy or any other manner for that matter, but he has on multiple occasions DOWNPLAYED his achievements. My knight in shining armour, he is so proud of himself when he manages to slip into some ludicrous, rushed  interview that he’s had a huge concert. He is a very skillful conversationalist and he has amazing social and verbal skills, so the only reason he doesn’t mention something is usually because he doesn’t want to. But, while he sometimes doesn’t bring up his own achievements, he has never ever failed to mention his collaborators, people he works with, musicians or writers if a song is in question, or actors in a movie. I have never seen a more considerate star. 

All that in a world where every You Tuber or a reality show star has published a book written by god knows whom, or released a makeup line made by god knows whom, where people are taking credits left and right for everything they bought fair and square and even for what they didn’t, it seems almost crazy not to take enough credit for one’s own achievements. In such a world, my Adam comes across as an eighteenth century nobleman. I don’t know whether to smush him to pieces with love or strangle him to death because of it. It used to really bother me sometimes. He is too modest for his own good, so decent and well-mannered with incredibly sophisticated sense of moral and social propriety. He is really out of this world. 

The commitment

Of course, Adam isn’t the only one who behaves like that, but it feels like such artists are rare as unicorns. In the movie industry where nowadays you aren’t considered a good enough actor if you don’t drastically change your body shape, or learn how to launch a missile or generally go through hell and back just to prove your own commitment and method acting skills, some actors, like Chris Pratt, James McAvoy or John Malkovich, just to name a few, intentionally downplay their level of commitment just because they find such quasi-method bullshit despicable. I wonder if Adam feels the same way towards people who would do just about anything to achieve their goals. You can be dedicated and professional without slipping into pathology. Tell that to Taylor Swift.

I find Adam’s lack of killer approach to success very un-American, pardon the generalization. He’s ambitious, but within reason. He is also competitive, but also within reason. It’s all very soothing, really. It’s very pleasurable to be his fan because although he is very busy and works so much, he is as relaxed and chill about it as he can be.  He is building pyramids in ancient Egypt, but he behaves like he’s playing with Lego bricks in front of his fireplace. I really wonder sometimes where he finds the strength. He never lets us feel his efforts.

The realness

Another atypical characteristic would be that his public image doesn’t translate to his private life. Outside the limelight, he’s a real guy. He doesn’t filter his social media photos beyond recognition and when he does, he does it for fun, not business gain. I’ve seen some celebrities’ or wanna-be’s Instagram accounts, they look like professional portfolios. Everything is business, everything is image.  Adam’s account looks like I took the photos with my ancient camera, more often than not. He isn’t afraid to show his goofy, not always flattering side, and the message is loud and clear – not everything is business for him. He isn’t afraid to admit that he spends his free time being a couch potato with his dog, he isn’t afraid to proudly rock his six-packless torso in a lacey top, he isn’t gym addicted to the point of obsession even though it could expand his career to some fresher, Nick Jonas-y pastures. He goes out with his friends, has a drink, smokes some weed, and lives his life. Even though he loves his job, and is incredibly professional, dedicated and serious about it, it’s not his entire life and not everything in his life is subjected to it. He doesn’t build up a squeaky clean fake public image in order to gain a few more fans. In other words, very European of him, which, together with his flair for drama and theatrics, makes him a perfect candidate to move to the old continent, yes, please. We love theatrical performances here. That being said, he is a good businessman, but it has never overshadowed his love for honesty. 

And one major reason for the end

A week ago, a very talented artist has released a new single and it already has over 60 million views on You Tube. It’s a nice song, it sounds really good.  Let’s say I can see why it’s a hit to a certain extent. It would make a decent ring tone. But nothing about the song, or the artist (Ed Sheeran) for that matter, makes me jump in my seat like a giddy child and my heart want to break out of my rib cage and smile around my head like a lunatic, which is what happens every time Adam Lambert opens his mouth and sings, without fail. Every single time. 

So I really want those 60 million views in 7 days for him, but not for me, I want it for this world and its ways. As for myself, I don’t dream about a perfect song for Adam because now I know that his voice and talent will always be bigger and better and beyond any song. No single song will ever be good enough for him. Some of Queen’s songs came close. Some of his own songs came close, too. Some covers as well. His voice doesn’t really need a perfect song because his voice makes every song perfect. Be that his own song, a Queen song or a cover, it instantaneously becomes the best possible version of itself the second Adam Lambert’s vocal cords touch it. 

You would have to think of all the greatest songs ever and make him sing each and every one of them in order to even remotely feel satisfied about the quality balance between his voice and the material. That’s what it takes to fully flex his vocal muscles and have them thoroughly used and displayed for our complete pleasure – his own three albums and more, not some parts but the entire Queen’s opus, and every cover he can possibly desire to make and more. Always more. So don’t talk about a song. 

One day, when he has everything he’s ever wanted under his belt, I’ll still want more from him, even if it is to sing me my favourite song in my own language, which will never happen. And that is his blessing and his curse, that such is the nature of his artistry that it is too good to be served once or twice or x number of times. Any number of songs, any number of views, you will still want more, it will never, ever be enough.

THE END

‘Scuse the word vomit;)

[inhalareexhalare]

Dire Need of a Hug

Dammit I woke up at 0800. Even though I slept at around 0300. The sun is too fucking bright hahaha

But it's not an unpleasant feeling. After warming up, I think I'll work on the story~

Oh yeah, since I forgot to respond to Isla last night:

Yea >___< according to stories Pa used to be very careful with relationships before. He claims he didn't even have sex with Ma until they got married. The problem was after. He started entertaining flirtations, cheating on Ma, hiring prostitutes/escorts, etc... From Ma's perspective, it was simply unstoppable. She was so helpless that she even cried in front of us, her kids, and asked us if she should divorce with Pa. But she couldn't. She was far too concerned with her children, and she truly still loved Pa.

What she did instead was she tried to enlarge her heart and re-focus it on something she really believed in for a long time. She became leader in dental association and started making dental projects that she thought could help the poor and made many friends and explored the world and had puppies (that she so badly wanted to have before) and hung out with us, her kids, and not once failed to give Pa love.

She broke down every other day from Pa's impulses, but she tried her best to fix her focus again on her beliefs. She understood that she wouldn't be able to control Pa.

Many nights she was sad and would sneak into our room (parents' room is separate) and drink herself dead while crying quietly. She would open the TV but bring the volume so low so you couldn't even hear a thing. She didn't want to wake us up.

She would cry over the phone talking to her best friends. But she knew life was more than Pa.

You know, when Ma died, her friends claimed that in her last moments she did her best to make everyone in the room happy. She would laugh the hardest and smile the widest. In her wake, the room was literally flooded with flowers from so many friends. Pa is the most charismatic person I know, but Ma, she's subtle but more generous and more sincere.

I've never been so moved in the death of someone. Her death was only sad because we would miss her. But we were all so proud of her. All of us, whose lives she touched. My mother is the most awesome person I know

The place was so full of people, you'd think it was a mini concert haha. People coming in and out, waiting for their turn to go forward and see Ma's face one last time. Sending us their best wishes, and sharing their most heartfelt stories with her... It was strangely encouraging.

(My economics professor at the university raised an eyebrow at me and wondered why my grades shot up AFTER Ma died. I thought it was a pretty insensitive question, but I guess it was too strange for him. XD)

2019-03-02 08:18 Philippines Saturday

I'm feeling glum right now. Not angry, but glum. Karu's ran off again.

And now they need me to proxy for him. I don't feel like it at all, but I know this needs to happen. For our goals.

I'm doing my breathing. I don't like thinking that my time is wasted. It's backwards thinking. Keep changing.

Breathe.

2019-03-02 15:03 Philippines Saturday

To Karu:

I don't know what to do

But I guess you don't feel like tlking. I'll just shut up. Sorry

Please at least eat. I miss you terribly.

From Karu:

I love you. Thank you for everything

To Karu:

Oh you ain't seen nothing yet. Look forward to it. I'm still learning. I'll be waiting for you.

I love you

PS I genuinely am excited to hang with these guys though. I feel so socially thirsty hahaha

From Karu:

You're best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't deserve you at all. Please take care of yourself. I love you so much

You'll be an awesome writer; I know it. Keep being awesome!

To Karu:

I feel honored, but justice is bullshit. None of us get to decide what we deserve.

Who knows. I'm sure to keep loving writing.

Keep moving forward. If you think I'm bringing you down, it's completely okay to leave me.

Rather than justice, I'd rather think of what we can do to make things better. Move forward, yeah?

From Karu:

You're not bringing me down. Pls don't think that

I'll always love you

To Karu:

Remember the last thing we talked about before the last straw with [Ira]?

Humans try to justify suffering by rewards, real or imagined. We have so much trouble making sense of loss. Of pain.

So this is good. Redefine yourself. Challenge yourself. Face your fears. I know you'll find more than what you're looking for.

Thank goodness. But know that I think the same of you. Your strengths and flaws both have only enhanced my personal and artistic development. So don't think too lowly of yourself either.

- (PS that last straw with Ira was the last thing, although not the full thing, that pushed him this time to run away. He's so tired and pressured, I think.

Anyway, the last time we talked was a fun evening! We ate at Chowking for once and for kicks and it was fucking awesome haha. Then he had gig nights where I didn't interact with them, yeah? And then this not going home thing followed.

On the topic though. I notice that the only way to be financially successful in this game that we built as a society is to sacrifice other important aspects of life

Inevitably, that means the successful people suffer. A lot.

But it is exactly their suffering that makes them want more. They feel like they deserve so much because they suffer so much

We justify our suffering by rewards, real or imagined.

As a species, we have such a hard time making sense of loss and pain.

Whether it be about going to a cancelled meeting after travelling for hours for it, or having to shut down a failed business after working day and night for 10 years. It's like having a dead loved one. Even in the face of loss, we try to be in control, when most of the time, we can't.)

2019-03-02 15:42 Philippines Saturday

I'm a bit scared, but technically, there's nothing to be afraid of. In all the times we've been together, there was always a possibility of any of us dying or leaving or whatever.

At any moment, anything can happen. So really, there's nothing to worry about. Our concern should always be, to not take everything for granted.

I think this is the most I've spoken to Banks hahaha Although it's about Peak and then about Karu. :) Still, I think it's progress!

I also got to chat about irrelevant stuff over lunch with Theodore since Karu ran off XD

2019-03-02 16:07 Philippines Saturday

Ira and Job here!

To Karu:

Oh, and don't be lost too long. The music is thin as fuck without your bass. Your bass knows what to do. Don't make it wait too long! :)))

2019-03-02 16:50 Philippines Saturday

Okay, that's enough. I'm full of interacting with Karu hahaha

Just like a good dance, I feel this is the perfect place for a rest to be in. I feel happy and excited being apart at this point.

The music really is a lot thinner without him though HAHAH I like how they practice their craft.

2019-03-02 17:08 Philippines Saturday

Ahhhhh I am shutting down hahahhaha I'm so intimidated. Banks's elder relatives invited us to have dinner with them, and it felt like the typical family reunion I had before. The talk is okay. It is superficial, as most introductory encounters are made. But I couldn't contribute and my mind shut down multiple times. I even got clumsy with my tableware.

I have no idea how to act around them.

I'm back to that Virg meeting incident.

Ugh. Alright okay okay.

Must grow some balls! I think I could open up a bit more if (1) I just decide to push myself on the spot. (2) train and use my voice in private to be prepared

...

...

I'm... Tired.

In dire need of a hug.

It's time for rest, finally. It's overdue.

I've returned to the house alone and took a quick shower and am chilling around now, preparing myself for some patient rest.

The walk home felt heavy. The silence wasn't like the usual. I felt a low buzz of loneliness.

It makes me want to cry, but here I am now, preparing to rest. It feels nice.

I miss Karu's hug. It's been days. Don't worry though, it's not the usual obsessive kind of missing.

It just feels like it would be so much better. This is good.

2019-03-02 22:16 Philippines Saturday