#but also I'm a dumb bitch with ADHD and I love to ramble so what makes sense and connects for me might not make sense or connect for you

[movedto-jewishbucke]

Day 1: Family

TWs: miscarriage/mentions of miscarriage

summary: TK and Carlos want to be fathers. It's all they've been able to talk about for the last four years, but with each failed embryo transfer Carlos finds it harder and harder to talk about their future as fathers and has started to accept the fact that they might never be fathers, especially since this embryo transfer is their last shot at biological children. (And considering they're a gay couple in Texas, their last shot at children period.) [This is part of the Dad AU (which you can read more about here.]

available on ao3

TK has a lot of worries when it comes to having his own children.

What if he passes his mental health issues to his biological children, or they end up being addicts? Being mentally ill, or an addict, isn't an end-of-world situation, and there's no guarantee adopting kids will eliminate that risk, but there's still something terrifying about possibly being responsible for any pain they might experience. How can he look his future child in the eye if they end up exactly like him, knowing it's his fault?

What if they hate him, or he turns into his dad? It's natural for him to want to protect his children, but what if that spirals and he ends up taking it too far, like his dad has in the past? The thought terrifies him, and it worries him that turning into his dad could be a path he ends up going down without even realizing it. What will be the straw that turns the camel into Owen? Will it be his kid falling off his bike when he's first learning, or smoking weed out of curiosity when he's in his teens?

The list went on.

These are all worries he has discussed at length with Carlos - back when IVF and surrogacy weren't even on their minds - and has gotten reassurance from him that he's different from his dad and that if their children do have mental health, or addiction, issues they'll be fine. It helps to know he's not alone in this, because of course he's not alone in it, but the worries don't dissipate.

But despite those worries, he knows he wants children.

This was a thought that was further solidified two and a half years ago when they started discussing the idea of children more seriously, and the excitement on Carlos' face when he talked about how badly he wanted to be a father… it was precious.

It's the same excitement he had when he would talk about what their children might look like, when they matched with a surrogate in Houston and they went to the clinic for the first time to see if the embryo transfer had been successful, and when they went at the ten week mark to check on how the second embryo was coming along.

However, when they lost the second embryo his excitement disappeared.

The miscarriage took a toll on them, he wouldn't pretend it didn't, but he still thought if they received good news at this appointment then Carlos would start talking about all the things he's looking forward to doing as a father again, or at the very least he'd seem a little excited the transfer went well.

But TK hasn't seen him crack a smile at all in the past two hours and he hasn't even mentioned the appointment, which annoys him in the worst way possible.

"It's good news the embryo attached," he says. If Carlos isn't going to bring it up, then he's going to because it's killing him.

"Yeah. Are you okay with spaghetti? I don't think we have garlic bread, but I think it should be fine without."

"Carlos."

"I can run to the store if you want garlic bread."

Deep breaths. In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out.

"I don't care about the garlic bread," he says through gritted teeth, pressing his palms against the edge of the counter to ground him. "You haven't said a word since the appointment."

"What do you want me to say?"

Anything. Tell me what you think they're going to look like, how you want to coach their little league team, how you can't wait to teach them to cook. Tell me everything.

But he doesn't say this, because he knows whatever Carlos would say would be forced. The thing he loves about Carlos is that… he's always genuine when he talks about what he looks forward to when it comes to being a father, even the "bad" parts. While he wouldn't mind bypassing the "waking up in the middle of the night" stage, Carlos wants that just as much as he wants to sit at the kitchen table every night and help their kid with math.

"I just wish you'd pretend like this pregnancy is going to end in a kid," he whispers, whatever anger he had a few minutes ago has disappeared. "Our kid. The one we're going to have photos of in our wallet so we can show them off to anyone who is interested, the one who is going to be so fucking spoiled that we're probably going to try to get Michelle and Marjan to adopt them."

He can't help but smile at the idea that they'd ever try to pawn them off onto someone else, jokingly or not. TK knows their kid could have every awful personality trait he could think of and they would still love them, because that's what they're supposed to do as parents.

"I just don't want to get my hopes up."

When he looks up, he wishes he hadn't because for the first time since they've started this entire process, there's nothing but sadness in his eyes. This is different from how he looked after the news of the miscarriage and it's a look that he has seen before, because it's the look that TK would always see when he looked in a mirror.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. He moves around the counter to wrap his arms around Carlos' waist, pulling him as tight as he can against him, and resting his check against his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he repeats, and he is because they've been together for six years and he should've picked up on it sooner.

"It's fine, TK. I just…" He sighs and, despite TK's best efforts to keep hold of him, pulls away from him, putting a little distance between them. "I just… maybe we're not meant to be parents."