#but again that is just a fault of taxonomic science

[hauntedjohnny]

being in this fandom has made me realise i get so pedantically annoying when ppl think jackrabbits are rabbits and call them bunnies etc when theyre not rabbits theyre hares 😫

[nokingsonlyfooles]

WTYP: The Shandor Building, Part 6

[Do you like the colour of the fanfic? This is long and if you expand it you're gonna get the whole thing, because Tumblr hates you. Don't say I didn't warn you!]

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Part 6: Disaster Roulette: Crack Open a Cold One

[Beware of strong language, mention of all kinds of death, gore, and Lovecraftian horror.]

[SLIDE: Utter darkness, with an All Hail Gozer logo in the corner.]

[screaming, pandemonium]

A: I’m sorry! Oh, God, I’m sorry! I have anxiety!

D: No! I know you do! It’s my fault!

L: Are we dead?

D: I shouldn’t have said “engineering disaster,” it’s my fault…

R: Alice, where are we?

A: Oh, God, I’m sorry, it’s the Kursk! [weeping] We’re going to be trapped here for over six hours and then we’ll be comrade-kebabs!

L: I’m an anarchist.

A: For fuck’s sake, Liam, would it kill you to let me die with a little fucking solidarity? [plays “The East is Red”]

R: Alice, you have your laptop?

L: Do we still have our laptops?

D: Feels like a laptop…

A: IT’S A POTASSIUM-BASED AIR FILTER DON’T BLOODY TOUCH IT!

[clattering, thud]

[more screams]

L: Jesus…

R: Pretty sure that’s a laptop.

D: Turn up the brightness!

R: That’s bad for the battery life…

D: Just turn up the fucking brightness!

[SLIDE: The Kursk.]

L: How the fuck do we still have laptops and sound equipment?

A [giggling]: Oh, my God, we chose the form of an engineering disasters podcast. Of course we have our laptops and sound equipment! I’m going to tweet that we’re trapped in a well-known Russian submarine disaster and we need help!

D [gravely]: Alice, Alice… No, Alice. It’s… It’s…

R: It’s “X” now.

D: Twitter can’t help us now. Twitter is gone.

A [desperate]: What about Tumblr?

D [pained]: I suppose you might as well try.

D [text over slide]: I EDITED A BIT HERE.

A [sobbing]: It’s no good. I got cancelled for assuming the submarine’s pronouns and now they’re just doing discourse.

D [gently]: It’s all right, darling. Just mute the alerts now. Oh, and Tumblr Live, too, obviously. Thank you for trying.

R: I’ve got that Mastodon thing…

D: Oh, fuck off!

A: Nobody’s on fucking Mastodon.

L: If man were meant to toot, God would’ve given us trunks! It’s a stupid platform and a stupid animal! It’s just an elephant with shag carpeting and no charisma. I’m glad they’re extinct. The extinction of mastodons is the one good thing global warming ever did for us! I hope science brings ‘em back from the grave so I can personally participate in wiping those useless motherfuckers off the map again. I ordered a mastodon hoagie at Wawa the other day and it was rubbery and tasteless — because it had been at the back of the freezer for ten-thousand years. That’s how unpopular mastodon is! It’s not even any good with extra mayo! Nobody loves you, mastodons! Nobody thinks you’re cool! I respect you almost as little as I respect fish!

[groaning, shuddering, splashing]

A: Oh, fuck, does Gozer like mastodons? Liam…

R: “Mastodon” is from the Latin for “breast-like tooth.”

L: If Gozer likes mastodons, I’m gonna drive to xyr house — or temple, or whatever — and beat xem to death with my shoes. I am done with mastodons, I am done with this whole fucking experience! I am reviewing your studio on Yelp right now and you are getting no stars! None!

[creaking, snapping sounds, more splashing]

A: Fuck, Liam, you’re pissing xem off!

G: STO-O-OP!

[rumbling and crunching noises continue throughout]

D: No, wait… It’s a rant. [laughing] We chose the form of an engineering disasters podcast! Liam, keep going!

L: ICE AGE IS A TERRIBLE SERIES OF FILMS! MASTODONS RUINED IT!

A: Isn’t it supposed to be a woolly mammoth?

L: IT’S THE SAME THING!

R: Taxonomically, no, it’s not. Although they are related…

L: PROXIMITY TO MASTODONS RUINED ICE AGE, AS A FILM SERIES AND AS A GEOLOGICAL EPOCH! AND EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!

A [laughing]: What? Are we running out of oxygen?

R: Yes. Also, Everybody Loves Raymond is a CBS sitcom, which aired from the mid-nineties to the mid-2000s. It was very popular in the US, but it proved difficult to export, so it’s not surprising you haven’t heard of it. It starred actor and comedian Ray Romano, who also voiced Manny the Mammoth…

L: THAT’S A STUPID FUCKING NAME!

A: Shouldn’t it be, er… Manny the Manmoth? That makes more sense. Although it does sound like he fights Mothman…

R: …in the Ice Age film series. Exporting Raymond was, in fact, a documentary on how difficult it was to translate the American Boomer experience to a foreign market…

D [amazed]: By God, we’re doing it! We’re podcasting!

R: Thank God for Wikipedia…

A: We’re still going to die, though, aren’t we, Dev?

D: Eventually, Alice, but maybe not in the Kursk!

A [anxious, but used to it]: Probably of prion diseases.

G: VERY WELL. SINCE WE ARE AT AN IMPASSE, YOU MAY CHOOSE ANOTHER FORM TO CONTINUE OUR FIGHT.

L [hopefully]: A lamassu?

R [low voice]: Unfortunately, we are not actually gods.

L: Damn.

D: No! I think we can do this! [to Gozer] We’re going to stick with the engineering disasters podcast!

G: YOU’RE NOT VERY IMAGINATIVE, ARE YOU?

D: No, we are, we’re just really jazzed about this form!

L: It’s comfy!

G: ALL RIGHT. SUIT YOURSELVES. I TIRE OF THE LEAKY METAL TUBE, AND I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE TO SIT THROUGH SIX HOURS OF PODCASTING BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE! CHOOSE ANOTHER ENGINEERING DISASTER!

D: All right, now, let’s think about this…

A: Just something outdoorsy, please! I want to see the sun again!

Part 7