#but after stressing over labels for years now im just queer hahah | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thecedarchronicle · 4 months ago

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i have such a love/hate relationship with being unable to transition in my life currently, for a multitude of reasons

because while it sucks, not feeling like the body im in reflects me 100% (i do feel like its *me*, always has been *me*, just not like..the full picture of me) the entire reason it took me so long to come to terms with being fully a boy is that i don't hate being a girl! i enjoy a lot of it! but in the way that i don't want it to be my entirety. i want womanhood like a cosplayer wants to out on a wig. i love being a girl in the way a drag queen loves being a queen. i love being feminine, but i don't want to be seen as just feminine.

so now that i've come to terms with the fact that i won't be satisfied until i'm actually transitioning, instead of feeling trapped by femininity i feel like...i'm doing a victory lap. a farewell tour.

i don't hesitate to compliment other girls anymore because I know when i'm fully passing as a guy it won't be seen the same way. when i meet a girl for the first time instead of shying away from "being a girl's girl" and gossiping about her trip in italy where her boyfriend cheated on her; instead i lean into it, not thinking twice about how i might make the conversation awkward because i know one day this isn't going to happen one conversation in with a girl i've never met before. because now that i know why these things always made me uncomfortable despite how much i like them, i can enjoy them while they last. having a pad on hand for the random lady in walmart. being in a thrift store and an older woman approaching me to ask if the yellow dress or the purple dress looks better, and i say the purple one because it suits her eyes. because i know one day, i will be happier because ill feel so much more comfortable in my own body, but i know i'm going to miss these parts of being a girl.

i love women!!! and i love being among women! but i don't love being a woman, not like the joy ive felt after accepting that i'm not. but that's okay, and i know i will miss it, but that means i can enjoy it while it's here ❤️

#and i feel obligated in the tags to say i know it might seem like it but im not like bigender or anything like that #like probably vaguely nonbinary leaning heavily towards boy #i love being feminine but i want to be a boy who is sometimes feminine. you understand #transgender #personal post #long post #i played with genderfluid for a LONG tome and honestly its probably the closest label #but after stressing over labels for years now im just queer hahah #if i were to use genderfluid it's more like #im a boy except for on the full moon every third month #also loving women confused it for a long time #like it was hard to tell the difference between 'i love these things about women...so i must want to still be a woman..?'#or ur just a womankisser cedar have you considered that?

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