#but a lot of people are really convinced that violence that aligns with their feelings is always justified

[self-loving-vampire]

I may be the blood and violence kink poster but I should note that I don't approve of fighting and killing people in real life.

[inspector-constable]

Aziraphale and the Gray Area: Why is he like that though

Good omens season 2 spoilers ahead

One of the things religious trauma gave me is a strong sense of right vs. wrong. The idea that there is always a right way to do things or a right course of action, and to not do things that way is simply wrong. This is more than just feeling afraid of being punished for doing the wrong thing; it feels like part of my identity. I think of myself as a good person, so I want to do good things and I want to do the right thing. If I choose to do the wrong thing, I lose myself and I lose what I value in myself. Sometimes it’s a good thing to feel like this, it’s what led me away from a religion that preached hate. Sometimes it’s not such a good thing, because I can hurt people by trying to do the right thing, or by trying to put my personal sense of morals onto other peoples’ situations. I have been picking through my beliefs for over a decade trying to confront and dismantle the harmful ones. It’s a painful process and it takes a long, long time.

How much longer must it take for a literal angel, a servant of God? We have the pleasure of seeing this process in Aziraphale through the ages, and it’s a lot slower than fans want it to be. I think people see Aziraphale in his moments in the gray area - lying, disobeying orders, being a bastard, enjoying human food, and loving and trusting a demon - and they think that he must be just fine with being in the middle: mostly right, a bit wrong, very human. But that characterization oversimplifies and misses Aziraphale’s true nature.

The sense of justice and good vs. evil is central to who Aziraphale is. He is not just another angel following commands; he is doing what he truly thinks is right no matter what the consequences may be. He ends up being quite a bit more good and loving than any of the other angels we meet, because he isn’t okay with doing what he knows is wrong. He knows it innately, but also he knows it because of what he was taught. When you’re taught that hate and violence and greed is wrong, but then you see hate and violence and greed being perpetuated by your teachers, you start to wonder where that dividing line really is.

That’s where the gray area comes in. When Aziraphale gives away his sword, he’s aware it’s not technically the right thing to do, but decides it is the actual right thing to do to protect Eve and Adam and their child. Same as when he lies to the angels about Job’s children, only this time instead of fudging the truth and avoiding the confrontation, he has to make a direct choice to do something that is technically wrong - lying - in order to avoid doing something he really, really knows is Wrong - murder. In this case, he’s not okay with lying despite it being wrong, he’s okay with lying because it is the right thing to do. It still causes a large amount of internal conflict when he thinks he will be sent to Hell for disobeying, but that fear of punishment didn’t stop him from doing what he thought was good.

For Aziraphale, the gray area is not about being a little bit evil, it’s about fudging the Rules and disobeying authority in order to remain completely good. Since Crowley is in the gray area with him, surely Crowley must be in the same boat of wanting to do the Right thing. Throughout thousands of years of history Aziraphale never stops arguing the side of Good, trying to convince Crowley to do the right thing. Sometimes he finds that Crowley was actually right all along, and then Aziraphale can feel safe to align himself with whatever the demon is doing. Sometimes Aziraphale even tries to convince Heaven to do the right thing with him. During Armageddon, Aziraphale avoids telling Crowley the truth because he thinks it would be better to get Heaven to stop doing the wrong thing. And he’s right, a lot of problems would be solved and life would be easier if Heaven would listen to Aziraphale and stop inflicting their harmful views on the world. 

It would be nice if Aziraphale would realize, at the end of the first season, that Heaven is not interested in being good or even being right; they just want to win. Aziraphale is too naive and pure to believe that of Heaven. After everything, he still wants to be an angel, and he still wants to be part of a Heaven that is doing good. What he did at the end of season 2 is not at all out of character for him. It makes perfect sense that he would want to take the opportunity to change Heaven for the better. Anyone can see what a delightful place it would be with Aziraphale making the decisions. Angels could drink hot chocolate and stack books in their offices or pop down to Earth to go to the theater. Humans could live without worrying about Armageddon or the Great Plan or having their lives destroyed over a bet. And demons (or at least one specific one) who were good and loving could be forgiven and become angels again so they don’t have to be forced to carry out evil acts and always be looking over their shoulders. 

Aziraphale didn’t do what he did because he doesn’t accept or love who Crowley is. He just genuinely believes that Crowley is still an angel deep down and that Heaven is where he belongs, where he could be the most happy. A better Heaven, where Crowley could create stars to last millions of years and put anything he wanted in the suggestion box. Aziraphale wanted to create a life for them to be together without any more worry of secret meetings, gray areas, and war. When Crowley rejected that life, it broke Aziraphale’s view of Crowley and his goodness. As ridiculous as it sounds, Aziraphale never expected that Crowley wouldn’t jump at the chance to be an angel with him again, and now his perception of their relationship is shaken. 

Ultimately, Aziraphale can’t be so selfish as to choose to run away with the being he loves, when he knows he can do so much more good if he returns to Heaven. And so in trying to do the right thing for everyone, Aziraphale does the wrong thing for Crowley and himself. This is what is so hard about Aziraphale’s gray area; it cuts both ways. He has so much learning and unpacking to do, and I’m afraid he’s going to find that he will have much less power to change Heaven than he thought. All we can do is beg for a third season and then Wait and See.

[gwenllian-in-the-abbey]

do you think if succession war between aegon II and rhaenyra never happened, would it have happened between jacaerys and aegon III?

would daemon really allow jace to be king because his daughter would be queen?

Hi eve! I could easily go off on so many tangents about Daemon and Aegon III and Jace, but I think the question has a pretty simple answer: yes, a war is inevitable if Rhaenyra or Jace inherits, and if not between Jace and Aegon III, then between Jace any one of the seven remaining trueborn male claimants.

First, I think Daemon's role in Jace's possible succession issues is overstated. Could he arrange three very convenient accidental deaths for the oldest boys to make sure that Aegon III is set up to inherit whether Daemon himself is alive to see it or not? Sure. But he also did not do this to any of Alicent's children, instead he waited to see if Rhaenyra and Aegon would fight. My gut feeling is that by the time Daemon is in his 50s, he just does not care enough. Will he feed Aegon III the idea that he should be the heir, that he has more Valyrian blood, he's trueborn, etc.? Likely. But I think Daemon would leave it up to Aegon III to fight for it, rather than conveniently clearing his way. That said, the fact remains that Daemon could drop dead the day after Rhaenyra took the throne, and there would still be people who would find it advantageous to align themselves with one of the trueborn claimants to the throne. Jace's problems do not begin or end with Daemon.

Keep in mind, this is the argument Criston Cole used to convince Aegon II to fight. It's often conflated in the fandom with "Rhaenyra will kill your family to secure her reign," but interestingly, Criston says that all of the king's trueborn sons have a better claim than Rhaenyra's "brood of bastards," that is, he frames the real threat as occurring when a bastard attempts to inherit ahead of trueborn sons, and although it's not relevant to Criston's point so he doesn't mention it, of course Aegon III and Viserys II are included in this number. Now, unlike most of the fandom, Criston frames this threat as coming from the bastards towards the trueborn sons, rather than the trueborn sons towards the bastards, which is convenient for convincing Aegon, but also happens to be a good point. Daemon and/or Aegon III don't have to have Jacaerys killed, they simply have to corroborate the story that Jace is a bastard, and press Aegon III as a claimant. At that point, Jace can either admit to being a bastard and step aside, or go to war. And it doesn't have to be Aegon III. If there is no Dance, there are still seven trueborn sons and grandsons of Viserys who can raise a legitimate challenge to Jace's claim (and disclaimers apply about bastardy being a construct, no one can prove it etc. etc., but once Rhaenyra, Corlys, and Viserys are dead, it becomes much more difficult for Jace to defend himself against those claims). And this is in essence why it was absolutely insane of Viserys to overlook this issue, but that's a different tangent.

That's the problem with a lot of the arguments that Alicent "lied," or poisoned her kids against Rhaenyra and her kids, that Rhaenyra never would have hurt her brothers, Daemon never would turn against Jace, that Aegon III loves his brother, or what have you. Rhaenyra, Daemon, Jace, and Aegon III do not even have to be the ones who personally initiate violence against their rivals, Rhaenyra, whose claim is already non-traditional, has built her line of succession on shaky grounds. At any time during Rhaenyra's reign, or after she dies, or during Jace's reign, or his son's reign, if the lords of the realm are unhappy for whatever reason, they have a perfect pretext to decide that Rhaenyra wasn't the true heir and/or Jace was a bastard all along (take your pick) and the line was illegitimate, and challenge him.

And unfortunately for poor Jace, regardless of whatever loyalties Aegon III might hold for his brother, Aegon II has two trueborn sons who have zero reason to have any affection or regard for cousin Jace. If Aegon II doesn't want to be king, can we be sure his sons don't? And likewise, even if Aegon III is loyal to Jace, can we be certain his sons will love their uncle and cousins as much as he does? Jace is not stupid and a lot can happen in a decade or two! This is why, even though it's also true that Otto and Alicent probably would have tried to put Aegon II on the throne regardless, Criston's argument that anyone who stands in Jace's way will have to be eliminated (by Jace and whoever upholds him as the true heir) in order for his succession to be clear, is the one that convinces Aegon II. Because it's true, and if Jace does not eliminate the potential rivals, at some point someone will challenge that line, and the result will be as devastating as the Dance.

[happyflux]

Saw a really long post today where someone was talking about D&D vampire lore, compiling what different sources say about it (including the Baldur's Gate games) and, y'know, for the most part it was a good post, it's a useful and good quick reference on what the different sources have said about vampires.

(readmore because this turned out long oops)

But then at the end, and in an addition to the post replying to a tag someone had put, the post began talking about applying all this lore to BG3 specifically, and it made me think. Because the takeaway that post had seemed to be that the things about vampire lore which are consistent to the rest of D&D do apply to BG3 as well, and that Astarion is simply an exception due to his extremely strong willpower and sense of self. And that just doesn't seem right to me at all. It feels like missing the point.

BG3 did some very specific, very interesting things with the lore of D&D. In terms of vampires, yes, but also more generally, BG3 pretty consistently gives the message that the things that are said in the rulebooks are not necessarily true, but are oversimplifications and generalizations that are believed to be true in universe.

BG3 got rid of racial ability scores, giving every race the same "choose a +2 and a +1" that variant humans can have in D&D. BG3 not only got rid of racial alignments, but got rid of alignments entirely - there is no detect evil and good, protection against evil and good has been replaced with a spell that mechanically protects against outsiders of various kinds, there is no alignment selection for player characters, no alignment showing up on inspection despite pretty much entire stat blocks being visible, and the companion characters all have complex morality that doesn't fit neatly into any alignment box. BG3 establishes and many times repeats that Volo, the in-universe author of a lot of the texts we have access to about Faerûn, is an incredibly unreliable source. BG3 has Halsin, a large-built and hairy elf (something which the rulebooks claim is impossible as elves are slender and graceful and have no body hair), say that "sometimes I think conventional wisdom is too narrow about what someone can or cannot be".

On the topic of vampirism specifically, BG3 has Jaheira (who is established to be wise and knowledgeable due to being an experienced and well travelled adventurer) say "They say that the only thing a vampire can feel is hunger. Nothing else touches them - not grief, or mercy. Or any sense of what is just. Who knows. There is often more ignorance than insight in what 'they' say", in response to Astarion remaining a spawn. And, on an Astarion origin run, it is established that at least half of his siblings can be convinced to want to oppose Cazador (it's just that non-origin Astarion chooses to antagonize them instead), and they can be persuaded not to feed off of people, and even without Astarion suggesting it Dalyria will take the initiative to help and take care of the other spawn. And, and this I think is crucial, every vampire we see in BG3 aside from possibly Vellioth is established to have been through circumstances which could easily twist someone and turn them horrible, no magical twisting of emotions or inherent existential evil required.

To play Baldur's Gate 3 and take away from it that the things which D&D lore has previously said about vampires apply to this game, and that Astarion is just somehow Special because of his Extremely Strong Willpower and Sense of Self feels like completely missing the point. Vampires in BG3 are evil because they're stuck in a cycle of violence and suffering and aren't able to escape, and when they are given an escape from that cycle they are able to heal and recover and be more than what they were made. Astarion does not have exceptional willpower, Astarion got lucky. He got out, he made some connections, he got a chance to heal and unlearn the things he'd been taught before being thrust back into Cazador's presence, and that's why he's able to break the cycle. Or, alternately, if the people he finds when he gets out don't push him to unlearn the things Cazador taught him and instead reinforce those beliefs, he becomes just like him. Again, no magical twisting of emotions required.

[jadeazora]

My versions of Lysandre and Sycamore headcanon (with some Diantha and Malva too)

Lysandre

One of his biggest pet peeves is those who have a slobbish demeanor about them, he absolutely hates sloppiness

Is quite musically talented (violin and piano)

Classy drunk, keeps his shit together a lot better than Sycamore

Pan, appreciates the beauty of all sexes and genders, has had an on/off thing with Sycamore before and is currently dating Malva, biggest celebrity crush on Diantha tho (she turned him down)

Diantha knows he's trouble, all of the 🚩🚩🚩 vibes on-sight.

His whole relationship with Malva is her going "I can make him worse lol 😈" (this is a woman who, in Masters, stood by and smiled as he implicitly executed two Rocket grunts. There's something definitely wrong with her too.)

Roughly the alignment chart we're looking at:

All manner of misfortune (violence, murder, madness) runs in the family, originating around the time of AZ and the Ultimate Weapon, seen as something like a curse, particularly on the male side. As such, Lys is the last of AZ's descendants.

Dealt with those sorts of intrusive thoughts by becoming a philanthropist in an attempt to counteract them, but it ended up having the opposite effect, fueling them and making them worse instead. (He was always destined to fall.)

He had convinced himself of a feeling of disconnect with him using the Ultimate Weapon and those that would die, but he would end up becoming directly responsible for the death of the one who became the Lumiose Ghost Girl. It wasn't initially his intention to kill her, he wanted to try to convince her to not go public over the Holocaster's spyware/Flare's schemes, and wasn't able to, leaving him with little other choice than to silence her. (He's unaware of her haunting, or that she's looking for him.) Probably the closest he's been to realizing he needed to STOP, but Malva was the worst person he could have called to confess to.

Has committed orchestrated a few murders "disappearances" since tho (some himself, some by other members of his organization, they're functionally a secret police), there were some people becoming more aware of Flare's activities and presence. It's said to be unsafe going into certain areas of Lumiose City at night.

Despite things between them being strained, still would prefer trying to save Sycamore and the children as "chosen ones", by force if he has to. They have to come around eventually that things were better for the future this way, right?

Sycamore:

Is an absolute, clumsy menace on rollerskates. Has nearly cracked a rib more than once.

Lysandre gifted him those bright red-orange socks

Party drunk. More than once, Lys has had to half-drag, half-carry him to his Cafe before to get him something to help sober him up

Seriously, do not trust this man with any alcohol

Sina and Dexio have also had to deal with this (they do get "apology pay")

Disaster bi, disaster magnet (probably what attracted him to Lysandre in the first place)

Diantha had (quietly) warned him about Lysandre, while the man was in the room, while they were dating. Sycamore just mentally standing there dying from awkwardness.

Masks a more jaded streak from failing to dissuade Lysandre of his misanthropic views, and plays oblivious when they're around each other now. (He's also somewhat aware of Lysandre's end goal, tho not really of the "when" or the "how.")

He's not at the point where he wants his old friend dead despite his awareness of Lysandre's intentions, but there is the looming horrifying thought that it just might be in Kalos's best interest if he were. He hates it, especially that he's not strong enough a Trainer to stop Lysandre himself.

Not sure if learning of Lysandre/Flare "disappearing" a few people would be enough to push him over the edge fully on that tho. (He still harbors some feelings that he's been trying to shove down.)

It really bothers him having Calem and Serena basically fight his battle there, there's a good amount of self-loathing over his failure to talk some sense into his friend and that the kids are doing the adults' job.

[knockyasocksoff2022]

ADA Member -> PM Deal Fic Poll

Please reblog for a larger sample size.

I already wrote about Tanizaki Port Mafia AU (where he decided to join on his own), so besides him, who should I write about? I'm talking about being selected for the transfer, not voluntarily joining. (Excluding Yosano, ofc as well as Kenji, and Kyouka b/c just nO!)

Might include ships, but might not depending on the person.

Here are some ways I think each member could be good in the PM:

FUKUZAWA

no extra training required

knows Mori

is at least somewhat familiar with Yokohama's underground

canonically has bloodlust

and only stopped killing because he knew it was BaD

people would be AFRAID

Kunikida and/or Ranpo could take over the ADA

it’s really interesting b/c if he goes Ranpo might follow

and then where would the ADA be?

The fic would prob be tortured Fukumori

slowburn (idk how good I am at writing slow burn but we'll see . . .)

The rekindling of old failed toxic love that was killed before it could really get anywhere or see if it could bloom into something pure

now they have to figure it out in their new circumstances

and if it even can work

but first, they'll have to admit that there's still even the faintest hint of something there

and even then Mori will have to WORK for Fukuzawa's love (don't worry)

KUNIKIDA

organised and efficient so he could easily manage trading operations domestically and overseas

smart even if we may not see a lot b/c of dazai and Ranpo

could probably pick up languages easily

I think he'd be great at undercover work since he's actually capable of being subtle

and he is used to being around *normal* people more and has better social skills

I also feel like he's the type who he can look totally different with a different hair style (or colour) or even if he just takes off his glasses or doesn't wear his little vest or something

and his ideals don't align exactly with the law, only what he thinks is right

he’s willing to do what is necessary to get the job done

if joining the pm and controlling Yokohama’s underworld means less crime and violence overall then he’ll do it

I still think he wouldn’t kill but

he'd prob be really good at interrogation and combat missions that didn't involve killing (like theft or kidnapping for information/money or something)

I don't think he'd be the perfect fit but if they warped or broke him enough he could be absolutely terrifying in the mafia

No ships

Kuni has way higher standards (58 criteria to be precise) and these FREAKS meet none of them

A fic with him would probably be hella angst.

I'm not sure I have a very good grasp of his character yet, so out of all the options, I'm least enthusiastic about writing for him.

Also, I'm already doing a Hunting Dogs AU for him.

ATSUSHI

obviously, his ability

it's the full deal: strength, speed, agility, regeneration

the perfect partner for sskk

the thing last Mori needs for his SKK 2.0

his combat skills are a little haphazard (relying on brute force mostly) 

but Kunikida has been tearing him in martial arts a little 

even though they have hardly any time with all the CHAOS

you're prob thinking "NO WAY! He literally says he needs to save people to live! That's like his whole thing!"

you're right

but if Mori or the other executives warped him, I think b/c he's so insecure, they could convince him

(kind of like they did Kyouka, only her will is stronger than Atsushi's)

that violence and destruction and killing are his purpose and what he was born for.

But, I doubt Mori would go the route of telling him it's all he's good for and that if he doesn't do it, he's good for nothing again.

He knows it didn't work the first time and it's too easy to reverse, especially since Atsushi has already been with the ADA.

I think Mori would set about convincing him that he deserves to let his anger out for all the world has done to him

that the world is his enemy and that he should punish it

that people deserve his wrath for allowing a society where he could be treated the way he has been to exist

Prob slow burn eventual SSKK

on this blog, we say Aku is just fine, perfectly okay, and doing well

They're still going to fight like angry cats

Aku will prob realise his feelings when he finds himself missing Atsushi's old personality

idk

meanwhile, Atsushi is just drowning in the brainwashing

the "bliss" of anger and he's too unaware even to fight it

still, SSKK become partners

and knowing them, it's to the point where only they don't know they are together

them "not-dating" will prob be like their messed up therapy and break Atsushi's trance or smth

maybe they hide the fact that he's not mind-controlled or whatever form Mori

Atsushi might still decide to stay just to keep any other agency members from being transferred

and who knows he may even learn to like it

idk

I haven't thought too far ahead yet

it's too late and I should be in bed but

ANYWAYS here you go!

NAOMI

I know I said I wouldn't do Junichirou

but if you're getting one, you're getting both

They’re a package deal

(Mori might take her just to get Junichirou because he knows they won't leave each other and then he'll end up using Naomi's skills as well)

and what's not to love

besides Jun's crazy killer skills

Noami is smart, savage and a little cruel (how she treats Jun when he's seasick) and unhinged

(thinking of the time she suggested Atsushi do sexual stuff for his entrance exam)

not to mention Dazai tutors her

If you can't have Dazai, why not have his student?

(I swear that's canon, correct me if I'm wrong though)

she has the potential to be heartless, sadistic, and terrifying

She also likes to see people (Junichirou, at least) squirm and be uncomfortable or suffer to some extent.

idk

maybe that’s just their dYnAmIc though

(thinking again of how she treats him when he says no to her and is clearly uncomfortable. Also when she talks loudly and obviously about sexual stuff in front of others.

I’m not sure if it’s intentional or if she really is that insensitive or unaware of how it makes others feel

I suspect the former

this would be a DARK fic

she'd have her villain/corruption arc (YASS, slay Queen)

maybe if I focus on her story more it won't seem TOO repetitive from my Tachizaki mafia fic.

Idk

what the people want, the people get

but we just know sooo painful little about her (aside from her in relation to Jun since their *thing* is kind of her whole personality *cringe*)

unlike some I still like her

If I did there would be no ships

idk even know who to ship her with from the mafia

or maybe I’d be BOLD and go for the ewwie incest

idk

if not then prob very background Tachizaki

Again, please reblog for a larger sample size.

[littjara-mirrorlake]

Hey could I ask you to talk about Ixhel for a moment? I’m doing research for the next chapter of Steel and Oil by going back over the original story and looking at other people’s interpretations of her and figures you would be a good place to start, as tumblr’s resident Phyrexiaposter.

Oh absolutely! I'm honored :3

To see firsthand how I write her, I have two Ixhel fanfics at the moment:

Deeper Than Faith, Higher Than Hope is about Ixhel's compleation day, her glimpse of a less-than-perfect Phyrexia, and the shame that follows. It shows a lot of the self-gaslighting and subtle reinforcements of hierarchy that Orthodoxy life runs on, as well as Ixhel's need for her family to be proud of her. Deep down, she never stopped being a newt who yearned to see her mother smile.

These Ichorous Bonds is from Vishgraz's perspective, but sheds some light on Ixhel's sources of joy and how she loves. There's also discussion from Vishgraz's much more black-aligned viewpoint about what he thinks would help Ixhel (prioritizing herself, primarily).

I care deeply about Ixhel as a character and I'm really invested in portraying her in a way that does her justice (Aysha U. Farah knocked it out of the park, god damn). Some key points:

She is a child made to grow up too fast. Physically she is a compleated adult Phyrexian, but her narration consistently points to naivety. For example, she doesn't fully understand how humanoids work (calling Belaxis's tears "clear oil") and finds it genuinely difficult to conceptualize meaning outside of Phyrexia. The Orthodoxy tightly curates the information allotted to its members and it shows. Human-equivalent-age wise, I've put her at about freshly 18, but that doesn't correspond one to one.

She will never express this naivety or uncertainty openly if she can help it. She's been taught to cover up her uncertainty with Orthodoxy platitudes and the praise she receives for being a good little cog in Phyrexia's machine.

When we first meet her, she is desperate for praise and affirmation, which Norn and Atraxa drip-feed her in order to keep her on the hook. She commits incredible violence in their names in order to earn that praise and feel useful, which she, as a white Phyrexian, has been taught is the most important thing in life.

Her mother Atraxa now reinforces Ixhel's position as a tool, giving her orders and demanding to be called "Commander". She is deprived of parental love, but consistently craves it, while feeling like direct loving expression would be sinful and shameful.

She has a lot of internalized shame, but hasn't fully repressed her emotions. She will feel hurt or yearning or joy in a "forbidden" circumstance and then immediately chastise herself for it, possibly followed by some expression of pro-Phyrexia violence in order to convince herself she's still being a good obedient Phyrexian.

The feelings of freedom Ixhel gets when she is alone, being creative, are thrilling and shameful to her. She knows they are forbidden. She tried to justify Vishgraz's creation as a way to impress her mother, but I think deep down, it was for herself. She wanted to feel that accomplishment.

She feels a lot, but needless to say she has been starved of healthy expression mechanisms. The only form of expression "allowed" for her as her mother's tool is directed violence. (Even in trying to save and keep Belaxis, whom she knows she likes, she only thinks of killing him first.) After Vishgraz, she starts to realize that creativity is another outlet.

The most important aspect of Ixhel's character development and eventual rebellion, imo, is her growing black mana alignment and focus on herself. She needs to learn that she does not exist solely for others, despite what she's been taught; sometimes being a little selfish is a good thing. This is what Vishgraz wants to teach Ixhel in These Ichorous Bonds.

I hope this is a good overview! If you have any more questions, do reply or DM me. I love talking about my girl Ixhel <3

[cetra]

[Image ID: A screenshot of Lae'zel from Baldur's Gate 3. She can be seen in the Astral Plane, looking at something unseen in the distance with an uncertain expression on her face. /End ID.]

Okay this is probably stupid and pointless but WHATEVER i'm embaracing the cringe. This is a rant about Lae'zel's evil qualities BECAUSE SHE'S MY WIFE AND IM STARTING TO GET ANNOYED at people either ignoring that side of her or hating her because of it!! I'm shoving it all under a cut because it ended up getting WAY LONGER than i expect it to be 🧡

I've seen some people make the claim that folks only think Lae'zel is cruel and selfish because they never bothered to keep her in their party for long enough to see the variety of facets of her character, and i'm just gonna say this: Lae'zel hasn't left my party i think even once since she joined, and I can confirm that she definitely is cruel and selfish. You have to remember that Lae'zel has essentially spent her whole life drilling "kindness is weakness, violence is of virtue, intimidation is your weapon, your only purpose is to Ascend no matter how bloody a path you must carve along the way" into her head bc that's the only way she knows how to survive

And this is entirely reflected in her actions, how she treats the player and the other companions, and what she approves/disapproves of— especially in the early hours of the game before she's had much room to develop at all. She likes when the player is violent for the sake of furthering themselves, and sometimes even when it's just for fun (i.e. torturing Liam for no reason other than entertaining some goblins). she likes when the player is intimidating to the point of comical. She likes when the player treats the people around them like scum that are beneath them. She likes when the player puts their own needs before others. I know this because i'm playing a character that is typically aligned with this kind of behavior, and Lae'zel absolutely loves it to the point of admiration and obsession (her words). from my understanding it's pretty easy to foster a neutral to positive relationship with Lae'zel even on a good aligned character because that's the way the game works. It's actually REALLY hard to get your character on a companion's bad side. But getting Lae'zel to admire you is going to be hard too if you aren't willing to be at least a little wicked and cruel, forsaking compassion from time to time!!!!!

and I dont know..... i guess when I see posts where people try to convince us that she cares from the start and she isn't ALL THAT BAD in the beginning I feel like does a lot of disservice to her character and JUST how much she grows over the course of the game. Like no, she doesnt actually care about the players and the companions at the very beginning, because not only are they strangers that she's known for a couple days after spending a lifetime of associating caring with frailty, but also because she has no actual reason to. Lae'zel is lawful and logical, and to care for somebody at this point in her story is illogical. the only reason why she should want the player and companions alive is A) because of their knowledge of Faerun and B) so she has as much manpower as possible to cut down her foes quickly, minimizing the chance of ceremorphosis creeping up on them. They are her only chance at being able to actually navigate this world completely foreign to her without losing her mind and to get to the Creche so she can continue seeking her true purpose: ASCENSION. and once they get to the Creche she gets MAD if the player tries to cure themselves before her. She threatens to leave. she definitely is THAT BAD and it RULES SORRY!!

it isn't until much later in the story that she is able to show even a glimmer of empathy towards the struggles of the companions i.e. Gale and Shadowheart. That in my opinion, although also depending on the player's actions, is the entire purpose of her arc having MAJOR developments a bit earlier than most of the companions— so that she can start to challenge herself and her own faith much earlier and subconsciously in the process understand some of the other companions crises of faith too

Like. man. i just don't understand why some people are so unwilling to admit to themselves that Lae'zel is not a good person, at least definitely not at the start of the game. i guess it's because they view that as a bad thing? but to me personally it's what makes her SO INTERESTING and why I immediately latched onto her. Lae'zel easily has the most ties to the main narrative out of all the characters in the game, she's arguably the most important companion in the game, and she's pretty consistently been a centerpiece in Larian's marketing for it. but she essentially has NONE of the makings of a traditional hero in a personality and moral sense. She's nasty, she's brutal, she's sadistic, she's ignorant, she's full of herself, she's brash. I love that side of her so much and i love that subversion of what we would typically expect from a character who's constantly at the forefront of an adventure story like BG3's. just completely a product of her own environment, and justifiably so, when you realize the historical agony of her people and the horrors they had to overcome

I've torn flesh from monsters and men. I've laughed as they suffered.

Once you really start to understand these fundamental parts of her character and like. ACTUALLY ACCEPT THEM as a core part of her identity..... you really start to see that she's also brave, and clever, and intelligent, and has an intense love for her people and culture, and is actually HILARIOUS (both intentionally and unintentionally). When she really lets the player in too, specifically in her romance, and you get the privilege of watching her let her guard down, it feels like something you're not meant to see and like you're infringing on a private moment. because she's genuinely so sweet and warm in these moments and she's only really let the player character access that part of her because she trusts them, not YOU. And to Lae'zel, this is probably the first time in her life she's ever trusted someone..... and she's probably damning herself for it. Trying to blame it on an obsessive and carnal lust with no real emotions or love involved. Because she's not a good person, and she's not a person who trusts and loves. and it's so good and relatable and well-written it makes me want to SCREAM 😭😭

But you... I don't want to hurt you. I want to protect you.

Just. I DONT KNOW. IM RAMBLING AT THIS POINT BUT....... LAE'ZEL MY LOVE!!!!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!! and i hope there are other people who love her at every point in her story not just for who she ends up becoming. Every part of this character means so much to me and i'm gonna think of her forever.....

and I'm not even finished with the game

[sabakos]

Tbh if anarchism was actually coherent enough to work it'd probably be one of the more authoritarian political modes

Yeah, I mean I do feel like having a established, written social contract and a coercive, binding dispute resolution process for breaking that contract isn't perfect. In fact, it's probably unlikely to be aligned with my preferences on a lot of different levels, and on top of that, won't be enforced equally on all.

But having to predict what other people consider a violation of an unwritten social contract and then having to weigh my own preferences against how I think they'll respond is worse than that. I'll over-correct in some scenarios, which I'll receive no feedback for. But worse, I'll under-correct in others, which I'll receive more negative consequences for than I ever would have under the "legal" system, where I could usually avoid negative consequences by either playing along with the stated rules, or at least pretending to.

And they're delusional if they think that, rather than a legally enforced court system, that non-binding arbitration or talking your feelings out or whatever the fuck anarchists are hallucinating these days are going to solve anything. Some people are always going to feel cheated or wronged by whatever nonviolent dispute resolution system you come up with, and if there's no authority backing it, those people will enforce what they see as justice with violence.

Also like holy shit aren't most of these people queer? I know they've all convinced themselves that the state monopoly on violence is useless for protecting them personally, but do they really think the only reason they're still alive is that the people who would want to kill them haven't thought of doing so yet? Even if that skinhead in your apartment building with more guns than you only thinks the state might take your side over his if he kills you, it's still serving its intended purpose as a deterrent.

[adelaidedrubman]

2, 5, 11 for jessie AND jenna

HI MACY TY and as always sorry for the long rambling answers. warnings for wildfire spoilers and mentions of domestic violence

2. How much death and/or destruction have they wrought?

man you cause the apocalypse one time and —

actually, it is game canon ambiguous if she really caused it or if the bombs just happened to top off the widespread destruction she did cause, but. yeah anyways you know the widespread destruction. kills civilians for singing songs slaughtered half an army in one night of post-nut insanity. also endgame spoilers below cut but

debatable and possibly unknowable from a strict numbers game if she leaves more or less people alive than the canon deputy? because she never destroys john’s gate so the cult technically keeps a lot of its civilian population, but she does burn down fall’s end and what would have new dawn era become prosperity so possibly a wash. but then again the spread eagle being destroyed means mary may never stays above ground to try to keep it open and never dies of radiation poisoning, so. don’t say she never did anything for her

5. What's their moral compass like?

jestiny follows the comedian’s code. anything is justifiable as long as it’s punching up and not down.

jestiny can convince herself anything is punching up and not down.

11. Do they have empathy? For whom? For what?

...that’s kind of the answer though, she has better cognitive empathy than her social graces would suggest. she doesn’t always pay attention (other people’s feelings are largely disinteresting or too foreign to her) but when she does bother, she often intuits what others are thinking and feeling quite well. then either callously ignores it or uses it to her advantage. (there are also times she’s completely off base and assuming she’s figured people out far better than she has, but the skill is there.)

emotional empathy and — shudder to think — actual compassion, are far more rare from her. (credit where credit is due, this was a pretty necessary defense mechanism for her growing up and having to predict when her behavior might be used by her father as an excuse to be violent towards her mother, she needed to be able to read emotions while avoiding internalizing them as much as possible.) even when she effectively relates to people, there’s usually a compassion breakdown somewhere along the line. (case in point, tracey.)

the only one out here receiving pure empathy and unconditional compassion is hank — he’s just like her a little guy from down south who wants to be left alone to wallow in the trash. mary may wouldn’t get it

2. How much death and/or destruction have they wrought?

her fair share, of course! while prototypes of the bliss predated her time in the cult and it all could have theoretically happened without her, she contributed a lot in streamlining production and distribution, so she bears part of the responsibility for angels, the deaths of those who fail to become angels, and the bliss-induced carnage of jacob’s judges and trials.

again as with all things related to the project you can make the ends-means argument, the destruction was coming anyways perhaps from a utilitarian perspective she decreased the overall level of death by contributing to the forced conversion.

5. What's their moral compass like?

true neutral of true neutrals, she just. doesn’t have one. she doesn’t believe in having one. she doesn’t think good and bad can be definitively distinguished. grad school poisoned brain took moral relativism to the extreme.

despite her villain alignment and canon atrocities i do count her as neutral because she is.... simply a blank slate going along with the schemes of others when they satisfy her intellectual curiosities, her motivations aren’t evil per se and she does not actively enjoy harming others, she is simply indifferent to it. but the kind of indifferent where in another world she genuinely could have just been a chill grad student looking in microscopes and never posed a danger to anyone.

were you to attempt to earnestly discuss the ethics of the situation with her, she would point out that her days at a fda green stamped research lab were arguably contributing just as much to a larger social harm — what is a doomsday cult to big pharma? if what she’s learning and doing now ultimately unlocks knowledge and helps sustain the world during the collapse, is it ultimately harmful?

again, not that she particularly cares about if she’s being harmful, but she will annoyingly entertain the “where do we draw the line” discussion (we draw it at chemical lobotomies, jenna)

11. Do they have empathy? For whom? For what?

similar to jestiny, jenna has high cognitive empathy and low emotional empathy and compassion. the key difference being jenna is actually genuinely interested in other people’s emotions — albeit a cold, clinical interest.

and the breakdown in the “feeling” aspect of empathizing is something that applies just as equally to her own emotions, so there is a level on which she is in fact treating others the way she treats her herself. she disregards her own emotional state outside of dry clinical observations, so why shouldn’t she do so with everyone else? she understands the suffering, joy, sorrow, and anger of others and herself, but what really is it but interesting data?

[deadstarred]

LADY ARWYN TULLY OF RIVERRUN , THE FALSE PROPHET.

THE BASICS ,

name   :   arwyn tully.

title   :   lady of riverrun.

age   :   twenty seven.

marital status   :   unmarried, single. 

house   :   house tully.

homeland   :   the riverlands. 

gender   :   cisgender woman.

pronouns   :   she & her.

sexuality   :   deeply repressed bisexual.

faceclaim   :   rose williams.

hair color   :   reddish brown.

eye color   :   brown.

height   :   five feet, four inches. 

religion   :   the faith of the seven.

western astrology   :   virgo sun, cancer moon, tbd rising.

alignment   :   lawful good.

positive traits   :   devoted, tender, warm, principled, sociable.

negative traits   :   submissive, worrisome, unstable, obsessive, trusting. 

THE INTRO ,

extremely devout, and a bit zealous about following the faith. prays frequently to the seven, especially the mother, and is never without some form of seven pointed star in her jewelry, particarly necklaces. really enjoys singing hymns and has a nice voice, also has been known to carry crystals with her when she can.

she’s not really excited about the idea of marriage, and has always harbored a curiosity about becoming a septa. but she also feels a strong sense of duty to her house, so she abandoned that dream before it really was a dream and is basically willing and ready to be married off, even though she's nervous about it. 

enjoys nature. also, a bit of a waterbug, puts the river in riverlands. she’s a strong swimmer, really likes the rain. also has a soft spot for animals, and spent a lot of time walking around riverrun’s godswood. 

can be in the bit of a stick in the mud. she has an anxious disposition and cares a lot about rule following and doing whats right, both in the sense of social graces, the faith, and her gut feelings. she has a strong moral code and won’t easily be swayed to rid herself of it, but arwyn is also extremely manipulatable and if she can be convinced something DOES follow said rules, she'll be happy to do it.

tw mental illness /  arwyn also suffers from visions she believes to be sent to her by the god of seven. they in fact are not, but are religious delusions. arwyn is often happy, but can very easily fall into deep fits of depression. she can definitely veer into paranoia with her anxiety, especially if coupled with a “vision” she believes to have been sent to her. she’s smart, coherent and completely with it most of the time, but often gets extremely frazzled and scattered after seeing something. usually she copes with this via prayer. these involve hallucinations and lucid dreams, and arwyn is no stranger to sleepwalking.  

tw mental illness (cont.) / tends to keep her visions to herself, but often will confide in people the anxieties they cause her, offering them instead as her own ideas or more commonly, revelation through prayer. she excuses any physical symptoms on headaches she has had since she was a girl to most people though, and stays quiet about hearing and seeing anything.

she is a quick reader, and has many prayers and hymns memorized.

has very repressed gay desires. very repressed.

a pacifist, and abhors the idea of war or any violence. she is used to the riverlands being trampled, and arwyn carries a lot of sympathy for smallfolk.

will often mumble to herself or speak under her breath. often gets lost in thought.

very easily embarrassed and flustered. doesn’t do well with compliments, advances, flirting, anything. though generally she can be pretty social, she can be a little shy when she’s overwhelmed. capable of making conversation with just about anybody though, or at least she’ll try to be polite. 

makes the most beautiful needlework in all of the riverlands, its true. her fingers are often pricked raw from needles and pulling on the string, and she can sit and do needlepoint for hours and hours while lost in thought. 

WANTED PLOTS ,

the acolyte : someone who fully buys in to arwyn's religious delusions and sees her as a genuine prophet. this person can use her as a religious figure, for their own gain as a way to game the system, but either way, they're also convinced arwyn is holy and blessed and really seeing these things somehow. it's always two dumb bitches telling eachother exactlyyyyy meme, but give it religious trauma.

the wolf in sheep's clothing : what it says on the tin. this person is nice to arwyn, taking her under their wing maybe, but as many do in westeros, everything has an ulterior motive. this person is using arwyn's gullibility to basically get her to do their bidding or use her as a pawn, and she is none the longer. someone pretending to be friend, someone pretending to be interested in a betrothal, someone pretending to be a mentor... whatever it is, let the lies and manipulation begin!

the true friend : conversely, having at least one person really looking out for arwyn that isn't from her house. this person would genuinely take arwyn under their wing, make sure she doesn't get moved around much in the game as a pawn.

more friends in general , no matter how dedicated.

potential bethrothals , or maybe a failed betrothal.

anyone that hates her , loudly and proudly.

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 4

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst, mention of violence, slow burn Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you’re given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can’t relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier. 

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Hope was surprisingly actually kept alive as suddenly you were seeing the blonde-haired super soldier every morning. Sometimes even in the afternoon. While his order never changed -- quite the man with a plan as he certainly liked to stick to a routine -- he became much more talkative. 

It started out as the littlest things. Steve would bid you a good morning or ask you about some breaking news he saw the other day. You entertained the chit-chat quite well in between orders. Steve had practically taken over the seat at the bar, the same one you had offered him that one nerve-wracking day.

Wondering what he would ask you about each day certainly helped to keep your mind off things. Granted, it didn’t totally block out the fact you were speaking to your soulmate’s best friend, but the conversations mixed with that tinge of hope sure did keep thought about the nightmares at bay. 

Nothing was exactly progressing or regressing with the nightmares. They were at a sort of standstill in your mind. They were filled with violence but still were of older times, decades ago. The emotions, though, were not letting up. If you didn’t wake up with vivid imagery of knives being flung and guns being loaded, you sure did wake up with a roller coaster of feelings rushing through you. 

But what was felt from your soulmate didn’t exactly align with what the nightmares told. The small glimpses of Bucky’s eyes as the Winter Soldier wasn’t filled with… anger, sadness, regret. They were just… eyes. They held little to nothing outside of stoic determination. If lines were getting crossed, you weren’t sure. You still walked around feeling like a freakshow on display despite the fact no one, especially your coworker who had seen you initially crash and burn, ever asked you about the soulmate “dreams.”

Well, that was until Steve started getting more comfortable at the coffee shop.

One afternoon, he had apparently decided to get bold. He was lounging at the little bar area and you could feel his eyes watching you clean up some syrup bottles. 

Steve broke the silence, asking you something that he typically always did: “How are you?”

You shrugged with your back still facing him. “I’m doing okay, Steve. How are you?”

“No,” he let out an awkward cough. Your brows furrowed as you turned to him, abandoning your task. “How are you?” He asked with such a pointed look that your heart sank. 

You fumbled with the rag you were still holding, trying to look anywhere but at Steve -- but his demanding presence didn’t allow for it.

“If I’m being honest, not much is getting better,” you admitted. “I still see things, sure, but it's really about the feelings I get. They are so strong but I don’t know how. The dreams are like old memories or something, I’m not sure anymore.”

Steve nodded then looked down at his lukewarm coffee. You didn’t know how he didn’t get tired of that stuff, but you were past thinking he actually came in for the coffee anymore. 

“Thought they would’ve lightened up by now,” Steve eventually said. Your eyes shot to him. Every other word out of this man’s mouth seemed to stun you. You were nearly convinced he knew everything.

You wanted to tread on this, but carefully. 

“Why…” you sighed. “Why do you say that?”

“Hmm?” Steve hummed as if he didn’t hear your question. Your eyes narrowed in confusion. 

“I asked, why do you say that?”

He looked away, this time at the lines of syrup bottles behind you. He seemed lost in thought, his eyes shining with concern. Maybe he just needed that push and you wanted him to confirm… something, anything. 

Steve snapped back to you suddenly. “Just thought since it’s been a few weeks it’d be better.”

You looked to the ceiling, taking a deep breath. “Steve, do you-,” 

You were abruptly cut off by Steve getting up and placing his empty coffee mug on the counter. “Thanks for the coffee.” That was his final parting words for the day before he walked out of the shop, leaving you standing there confused and annoyed. 

But this wasn’t going to be over. Especially not after you went home that night, settled into bed, and gave into the nightmares. While still past memories, they were only a few years old. And featured Steve. Flashed of a bruised, tragic-looking Captain America played out quickly. The feelings washing over you were those of strong love but even stronger regret. Everything pounded in you as the nightmares played, coming in a weird kaleidoscope of clips. The hurt you felt was overwhelming. But there was also just so much… Worry. Fear. Your soulmate was afraid. Afraid of what exactly, you didn’t know, but he was consumed. 

You woke up in the early morning hours, heart pounding, feeling raw from that nightmare. Everything felt powerful like the final straw was snapped in you. You needed stuff to lessen and, supposedly, that could come with actually meeting your soulmate. You didn’t know the logistics of it all, people had been so vague as they preferred to fawn over and treasure the initial dreams, but there were ideas out there about how once soulmates formally met they created new shared dreams. Together, through the connection. These could be just as bad or they could be just as good as the original telepath. No matter the fact, you needed something. You were begging for this pull to loosen. The world was setting you up with this man and you had to see about it. Maybe get some kind of closure, at least. You were exhausted from playing it safe with Steve. Everything from his dumbass vague phrases to his hovering gaze gave you your answers. 

You were once again a woman on a mission, but this time you couldn’t hide behind a coffee counter and brewing espresso. 

You called out of work but showed up at opening time. Your coworker stared at you in surprise when the bell rang but you just gave her a wave and made yourself comfortable at a table right by the door. You sat very still, staring at the glass door, watching the patrons. 

A glance at the clock told you Steve was late for his usual coffee run but you weren’t giving in. If he had any inkling about your confusion he would show, be the confident man he could be and face you. 

Thankfully, you were correct. It was mid-morning by the time Steve strolled in, definitely not surprised to see you patiently waiting. Your eyes locked immediately as he gave a defiant sigh. But he didn’t bypass you for the counter. Instead, after you gave a single nod, he sat at the table, directly across from you. 

“Good morning,” Steve greeted you but he lacked that award-winning smile he always gave with it.

“Good morning,” you said, suddenly feeling iffy under his gaze. You had to practically shake yourself out of it to get back on track. You weren’t backing out, not after what you had felt last night. This would consume you after so many years. Your soulmate was going to consume you if you didn’t man up. “I think we need to talk.”

Steve nodded. “I agree.”

You sighed, a bit relieved. He possibly did know, your suspicions were confirmed. “These nightmares I have - they’re about-,”

“Bucky,” Steve answered so simply, you were almost jealous by how the name rolled off his tongue with ease. That was your soulmate and you could barely talk about him. But that was ending, you reminded yourself. Right now, you were taking steps. Life had become a whirlwind but maybe you needed it. 

“Yes,” you confirmed. “Everything I see it’s from his days as… you know what.”

“The Winter Soldier.”

You groaned in annoyance with yourself. “I’m sorry, this is just so weird for me,” you said. “I just learned the other day him and I are… And it’s a lot. Everything is a lot. I see and feel so much in the nightmares that I needed to make progress or something but, truthfully, I don’t know how to go about any of this.”

Steve nodded, his eyes looking very sympathetic. He leaned forward, his arms now resting on the surface. You shifted in your seat, staring down at the wood patterns of the table. Steve didn’t seem to mind the lack of eye contact, though, as he began. 

“I’ve known about you for a while,” Steve admitted. “When Bucky began getting back to himself he would talk about you every now and then. I-I don’t know when he realized it but he’d tell me bits of what he thought you looked like, where you went to school, the coffee shop you were always in… And, well, it didn’t take long for me to realize it was you he was seeing in dreams. But he doesn’t know that I see you nearly every day,” Steve let out a light chuckle, almost in disbelief of himself. “And he certainly doesn’t know the dreams he’s relaying to you. I don’t think he’s ever thought about it, honestly.”

Your heart jumped knowing your soulmate actually knew about you. Saw you. Got the loveliest dreams about you. It made you feel pretty good, really. You were glad you were giving him something light, relaxing, after everything he had seen. Maybe that was a fair trade. As long as your soulmate was okay.

“He doesn’t know I see all those… Things?” You asked, your voice dropping a bit timidly.

Steve sighed, shaking his head. “If I had to guess, it would have something to do with the fact that he’s remembering everything,” he said. “Everything he had done, the people and violence… All that comes back to him. He’s said he remembers it all. That’s probably the feelings you’re getting with the nightmares - him handling the aftermath.” 

Your heart dropped at that. You lifted your gaze to meet Steve’s, seeing he was wearing a similar mix of sadness and worry. It was still strange to feel this ache when you were awake.

But you understood, at least, as much as you could. It sounded like there was some healing going on, with everything coming in waves. Did you like that you had to suffer because of it? No. But that was your soulmate and a deep part of you wanted to just take all that pain away for him personally. 

“It’s not fair he has to deal with all this,” you said. 

Steve agreed, “It’s not.”

“But I want to help,” you spoke with such sudden determination. Steve gave you a confused look. “Would he… Would he want to meet me?”

That look of surprise on him suddenly morphed into some form of relief, with a bit of a smirk playing on Steve’s lips. 

“I think I could arrange that.”

“R-Really?” Your hands were practically shaking at this point but Steve seemed too cool and collected, almost proud of the situation he was concocting. 

“If I’m being honest, he mentions something about you nearly every other day.”

Your jaw went slack, now making you the surprised one. “But you knew who I was. Why didn’t you just tell him?”

“Would you have honestly been comfortable if I just sent him in here?”

Well, he had you there. You sighed, shaking your head, sinking a bit in your seat. 

“Yeah, he wouldn’t either,” Steve mumbled. “But it’ll be okay. I’ll figure out something.”

You nodded, maybe a bit too eager. “Thank you.”

Steve gave a small smile then averted his gaze to the table as if debating what to say next. You thought the conversation had wrapped up nicely but there was another thing you didn’t expect to hear about.

“You know,” Steve began, “back in the day, Buck never had any dreams and while now we know why,” he motioned towards you. You blushed. “We had just figured he didn’t have a soulmate or something. Like the world had just happened to screw up…” His voice trailed, letting out a brief sigh. “I can’t imagine his relief when he got the first images of you.”

Your heart swelled. It took everything in you not to choke out sobs. The feeling of hope and… love suddenly wash over you. It was such a distant feeling but it was all coming. Slowly, it was becoming an acquaintance. 

“Do you have a soulmate, Steve?”

He nodded. “I did.” You frowned at the past-tense use of the word. “But that time has come and gone. I’m more than happy to help Bucky get his.”

The lovely feelings crept back, stronger than ever. Just the thought of being in the same area as your soulmate was making it bloom even more.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Bucky Barnes Series Taglist:

@reichelhache @bella-bear03 @rvgrsbrns @thebadassbitchqueen @libraries-and-coffee @adoringanakin​ @heartbeats-wildly @japzalileo @aayaissaa @takemedancingmaine @bahama-mama-llama @ella_italian

[briarrolfe]

This is really resonating with me, because this week at work I changed my pronouns to he/him.

My workplace prides itself on being inclusive and diverse, but for some reason I still face a lot of systematic discrimination there. After the most recent bullshit rendered me ineligible for a pay rise due to me talking about transphobia too much, I decided I’d like to avoid being the token trans employee for the rest of my life. I told HR that I’d like to change my pronouns in the system from they/them to he/him. This is now done, but wow, you would not believe the policing bullshit this has resulted in. Management (exclusively comprised of cis women) REALLY doesn’t want anyone to be able to forget that I’m trans. They’re actively fighting to keep me in the category of labelled as trans in a way that they’ve never fought to change conditions for me. They’re expressing how “sorry” and “sad” they are that I “feel it’s necessary,” using all the possible coded language they can to convey that I’m making a hasty mistake. “We’re really sorry to hear you prefer to change your pronouns.” They’re not making any effort to use those new pronouns despite saying “…but ultimately, we support you to show up at work however feels safe and comfortable for you.”

Meanwhile, today I have my first appointment at a Hospital For Women (that’s what is literally written on the building) because if I want to get treatment for endometriosis then there’s no other building I can enter. To be able to convince the seventh GP I saw (a cis woman) that I had a real problem and truly deserved to enter this building, I had to get an ultrasound from a place called Imaging For Women. The receptionist (a cis woman) dismissed my concerns over the phone because “we see trans patients all the time.” What this meant was me sitting in a waiting room while cis women stared me down, followed by an internal ultrasound (performed by a cis woman) that at best would be described as poor practice and atypical, and otherwise as intensely and unnecessarily traumatic (she left me alone in the room with the ultrasound probe stuck in me for fifteen minutes). And, it being an endometriosis ultrasound, after this experience I got a piece of paper that said There’s Nothing Wrong With You.

Meanwhile, I am in pain for 86% of days each month. My body is self-generating something labelled as a Women’s Health Issue. It’s been impossible for me to avoid being called a woman at any stage. The healthcare I need is locked behind the word Women.

Of course, sometimes if I’m really lucky, a service or charity will drop this sort of thing in their web footer:

(I’m so sorry about the contrast on those last two screenshots).

The same sort of language starts to perpetuate itself across these experiences. “We’re sorry to hear you prefer to change your pronouns.” “You may not identify as women.” “We may not have used the right description that aligns with you. Identity is a complex and ongoing conversation.” “We support you.” “We are learning.” If I can cut through to the tone, it comes down to something like… we are trying as hard as we can, and it’s really difficult. Including you is so complicated that it can never be done to your satisfaction. But we are dedicated to supporting you as you force us to learn better.

The thing I find interesting is how much this categorical violence is perpetuated by cis women who believe that they’re inclusive and trans-affirming. They’re so proud of their position as trans allies that they’ll refuse your pay rise for hearing anything to the contrary.

I think there’s a bit of a loophole provided by the pop feminist idea that All Men Are Oppressing All Women. It means that white cis women feel justified—in fact empowered—to police marginalised men (or marginalised people who they construe as women who are a bit too proximate to masculinity) in order to “reclaim” power from those people. As the posts above say, they didn’t really have this power to begin with—more just situational proximity to it.

Cis women are able to do this while earnestly believing that they’re allies because by acknowledging the identity of those marginalised people, they’re establishing that the marginalised people exist in the category of Their Oppressor. As an example of this: one of my friends (a cis woman) told me that if I managed to secure a hysterectomy, it would be proof of how much easier it is for trans men… to navigate the women’s health system.

Now, in case this can be misread, I’m not denying in any way shape or form that cis women face oppression due to their gender. Aside from the chunk of time I spent navigating the world believing I was one of them, it would be extra fuckin wild to draw that conclusion after spending an entire year trying to get a GP to give me a referral to a gynaecologist. Our society is set up to enable oppression on mass scale on many axes, and one of these is undeniably womanhood.

What I’m identifying is that pop feminism has constructed cis womanhood as the oppression that eclipses all others. There is no such thing as race or class or queerness or disability in the face of cis womanhood, this monolithic denominator of society. This understanding of the world allows cis women who come by some measure of patriarchal power permission for a sort of vigilante gender-justice, a rebalancing of the scales. Trans exclusionary feminists are the most obvious example, but after the experiences I’ve outlined above, I think I’m entitled to a more cynical reading:

Appearing affirming and inclusive is a more effective tactic for cis women, as it attracts more marginalised people to have power over.

I wouldn’t have gone to that imaging place if I hadn’t been told that they had trans patients all the time. I wouldn’t have talked about transphobia at work to management if they hadn’t portrayed themselves as sympathetic. I wouldn’t have told my friend about how hard it was to get a referral to a gynaecologist if she hadn’t, until that point, been understanding of systematic barriers for trans people. Through trusting cis women with the information that I’m trans, I’ve been subjected to some pretty horrendous experiences that the same cis women would intuitively understand as unfair gender-based oppression if it was happening to another cis woman. I know it’s cynical, but I really do feel that these sudden onsets of wilful ignorance come from a self-serving place; the patriarchal seduction of committing gender-based oppression upon people who will never be believed.

while i get where this comes from and it’s true to an extent, i reeeaaaally don’t like how people try to explain “trans men don’t [necessarily] have male privilege” with things like “some trans men don’t pass”.

like sure that’s the most obvious example (someone who is seen as a woman won’t have the privilege that comes with being seen a man) but you’re still acting like being a passing trans man is just a free opt-in to male privilege which is………kinda the issue.

[yandere-daydreams]

Can we have a general yandere typing for the TW dorm leaders or your favorite dorm pls?

This is very, very general (it has to be, if I’m going to fit seven different characters into the same post), but I hope it covers what you’re looking for! I’ve been meaning to write a ‘darkest fantasy’ drabble for the dorm-heads but,,, this’ll have to do, for now.

The NRC Dorm Heads as Yanderes.

TW: Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Dehumanization, Implied Kidnapping, Unhealthy Relationships, Mentions of Non-Consensual Touching, Mentions of Blood, and Implied Violence.

~

Riddle is Domineering.

He can’t change what he is, and even if he could, he wouldn’t see the need to. Riddle loves you, he loves you so, so much, but to him, you’re so reckless, so impulsive, so inept, it makes his underclassmen seem cautious, in comparison. He worries less for your safety than he does for your carelessness. He doesn’t think you’ll impale yourself on a banister or trip and manage to break your neck, and yet, he’s managed to convince himself that, the moment you’re left into your own devices, you’ll twist, distort, manage to take something that’s so precious to him and turn it into something perverse, something that doesn’t deserve to have a caretaker so devoted. If he has to take a few hours out of his busy schedule to make sure you understand why he’s so adamant that you obey him, then so be it. He’d rather have a perfect, prized doll who can’t meet his eyes without trembling than someone he doesn’t even know, someone he can’t even love. Someone who won’t let him love them, even when he’s made it so clear that if he suffocates you, it’s only because you've forgotten that you can only breathe because he lets you.

Leona is Jealous.

It’s such a classic younger-sibling complex, isn’t it? It’s not that he’s possessive, he’d be more than fine with carving you up and handing out the pieces if he knows who he’s sharing with, but he’s had a say in so little, he’s had so much snatched out of his grasp before he knew better than to let it go, he can’t stand the though of losing you like that, too. He needs to monopolize your time, your attention, he needs to monopolize you, because if he doesn’t someone else is going to come along to do it for him, and he knows they won’t treat you half as well as he will. It’s why he’s so quick to pull you away from conversations he didn’t give you permission to be a part of. It’s why he can’t seem to go five minutes without insulting your friends or implying that you could cling to him as much as he clings to you, even when the two of you have been along for hours. It’s why he’s so desperate to bite into your neck and burrow his nails under your skin and leave proof of his existance, if only to satisfy that repressed, buried, primal part of himself that just wants something he can own. And he will own you, by the time he’s done. He tends to be thorough, with the things he’s so determined to see play out.

Azul is Paranoid.

There’s a connotation with this kind of alignment that might be a little misleading, when it comes to Azul. He’s manipulative, too. He’s obsessive and he’s controlling and he’s so many other things, but above all, he’s terrified by the idea that one day, you might decide that he’s just some pathetic, pitiful bottom-feeder and move on to someone’s who’s worthy of you. His mindset seeps its way into his behavior visibly, tangibly, blatantly, whether or not he’s willing to admit it. A dozen locks on your bedroom door, a new contract he’s gone over a hundred times, a thousand kisses and a thousand promises and a thousand hours spent clinging to your waist, his face buried in your chest as he begs you to never make him let go. He feels like you’ll slip away if he doesn’t hold you close, like you’ll find a loophole or a way to leave him and he’ll never be able to get you back. It doesn’t help that he responds so reflexively to any change he didn’t acconut for. He can make all the plans in the world, contrive as many schemes as he’d like to, but all of his preparations won’t stop him from reacting so harshly when you say something he doesn’t want to hear or do something he didn’t see coming. Above all, he needs you to love him. He won’t respond well to any evidence of the contrary.

Kalim is Smothering.

You have to understand, he really, really thinks he’s just being the best boyfriend he can possibly be. Kalim is naive, like that. He loves you, and he doesn’t know better than to show that love off any way he can and every way he can. It kind of sweet, if you look at it like that. How is he supposed to know you wouldn’t enjoy receiving his gifts as much as he enjoys piling them onto you? You never told him how much his endless parties overwhelm you, so why would he ever stop throwing them? You always bite at your lips and look away and try to cover yourself when he gives you something pretty to wear, and Kalim just thinks you’re so beautiful, so wonderful, it’s only natural that he’ll - playfully, of course - pull you into his lap and go on about all the many reasons he loves you, layering on compliments so thickly, it’s only a matter of time before they start to seep into your lungs and force out the air. Remember, he’s blind to anything he doesn’t want to see, so by the time he finally crosses one too many lines and forced you to snap, he’ll be so caught off-guard, so heartbroken, he won’t know what to do besides buckle-down and give you more, force you to take more. He’s a simple man. If his antics were enough to make you snap at him, surely, more gifts, more attention, more love will only make things better.

Vil is Narcissistic.

This one speaks for itself, really. You might manage to worm your filthy little way into his heart, you might find a way to root yourself there and drive him to the point of near-insanity, but no matter how dear you are to him, no matter how much he loves you, you’ll always be second to the man himself, you’ll always be less than, compared to Vil. It shouldn’t be such a problem, he already acts like he should be the pinnacle of all mankind’s aspirations, but it’s taken to a new extreme when it comes to his closest companion. He expects to be doted on, to be worshiped, and when you’re not busy tripping over yourself to tend to his every desire, you should be hanging off his every word, letting him do whatever he’d like to because you’re just so honored he’d take a moment out of his day to look after you. If it takes a love potion or several, he’ll find a way to live with it. That’s the thing about a mentality like Vil’s, an obsession focused inward that just so happens to brush against someone it’s not meant to - he doesn’t really care about the parts of you that don’t lead back to him. Your health, your happiness, it’s all on the table if he has a chance to take hold of what he wants. He’s always been ambitious. You shouldn’t be surprised when he approaches your love with the same cut-throat attitude.

Idia is Possessive.

If it’s any help, he wants to lock himself away from the rest of the world just as much as he wants to isolate you. You’re the one person he can stand to be around, the one voice he’ll never get tired of, the one pair of eyes he knows will never judge him, even if he’d prefer that you call him more affectionate nicknames, as he explains that he’s just trying to keep the two of you content and alone. He’s greedy, when it comes to you, but that’s not his fault. He gets… sensitive, when you start to focus on other people, when you let other men touch you like they have any right to put their hands on something he deserves to keep to himself. It leads him to some habits he’s not proud of, some reactions that don’t exactly encourage you to indulge his more questionable habits, but while Idia still wants to be able to hide in your arms and ramble on to the only person he knows will listening, he stops caring about how much you want to embrace him, eventually. The world’s already so unfair in so many ways, and no one knows that more than Idia. He doesn’t think he’ll mind if you begin to think he’s as much of a disgusting freak as he already knows he is.

Malleus is Apathetic.

He wants to care. Don’t forget that - he really, really wants to care about your feelings, your interests, your happiness, all of it! He tries to care, too. Not a day passes where he doesn’t make an attempt to get you to smile, to coax out a hint of fondness from your scorned little heart, to sort through all the betrayal and the hurt and the pain and find something redeeming, something that proves he’s not making you any more miserable than he has to. He’ll give you what sparse freedoms he can, keeping your leash as slack as he can afford to, but when you take a step too close to an open window or refuse to hold his hand or he just decides it’s been a few minutes too long since you last swallowed your pride and showed him the affection he strives after like a touch-starved puppy, he never hesitates to pull you back to his side and ignore how violently you’re choking as he takes whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. He never feels guilty, either, not for the act itself. He’ll fret over the hatred in your eyes, he’ll loath himself whenever you flinch at the first signs of his touch, but in the back of his mind, he knows he deserves what he rips away from you. He’s doing you a favor. Humans are so fragile, so delicate, so easily tricked, and as a prince, a prodigy, a source of unadulterated power, he’s the only suitable candidate when it comes to keeping you safe, to guarding you as fiercely as dragon guards its hoard. He protects you, and he treats you like royalty while doing it, so he wants something in return. He doesn’t think he’s asking for a lot, considering how much he’s been denied.

You should just count yourself lucky Malleus might feel a little bad, by the time he’s done. At least he won’t leave you as bloody as he could, after he’s finished.

[wickedpact]

A ranking of all the TTT stories in order of how much I liked them.

(Oh god this is so long)

1 My Mother's Axe

BABY ANDYYYYYYYYYYYY. Honestly this one had the trifecta of developing a character's motivations, developing a character's backstory, & developing their personality. The story starting out with Andy teaching Nile to use the axe was so charming and fun, and you could feel that chemistry they had in Opening Fire, the way they teased and bickered with each other so naturally. I loved the wedge between them on the subject of the axe, how Nile was perhaps a little too young to understand Andy's feelings about whether or not its the 'same' axe. I also love how the axe is obviously the symbol of the franchise and hugely important, but you never get a sense of exactly how important it is to Andy until you read the story.

I love the entire Ship of Theseus theme, and how it feels so natural that for Andy she has to get attached to the idea of things rather than the things themselves because she'll always outlive the things themselves-- the axe is symbolically her mom's axe, even if physically it isn't. And I love how she clearly clings to that concept so tightly. "This is the labrys she held in her hands...." IT GETS ME.

And the fact that this sense of BELONGING, of FAMILY, of CULTURE is so important to Andy that she clings to it (figuratively and literally) with both hands. And of course it's important to her, she spent so long alone that the woman doesn't even remember her birth name. That axe (or the idea of that axe) is all she has left of her mother and that family/culture she was born into.

PLUS on that note I love how Andy doesn't remember if her mom was her actual biological mother, but it doesn't matter to her. This woman was her mother in all the ways that counted. And how her mom BETRAYED AND KILLED Andy but Andy loved her so much that she avenged her and carried her axe for thousands of years. THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!!!!!

I also loved how the story transcends the timeline of the whole franchise and seeing Andy through the years. Loved seeing her with the varying squads and with varying axes. Also baby Andy was so cute. It was cool seeing her so young. like holy fuck. Andromache The Scythian, Immortal Warrior (but smol). Love that.

Also I think this one is one of the few ttt stories that doesn't suffer from length problems.

tldr: goddammit greg you've done it again.

2 Zanzibar and Other Harbors

Zanzibar my beloved. I've said before, but it's downright comedic how little regard there was for Joe and Nicky's character designs in this story. The same person who does the colors for the regular comic did the colors for this one too, and you can tell, every panel of this story was Beautiful.

Ik there was A Lot of criticism of this one (lmao @ how the fandom had no idea what was to come) but I thought a lot of The Discourse was a bit dramatic. I did think Nicky came off as a little oblivious to Joe's feelings in this story, but I've said before, I honestly think that was a 'tone not translating' thing. It felt like Nicky was nagging Joe for [checks notes] saving innocent people, but Joe was so amused by Nicky's complaints I really do think it was supposed to come off as teasing.

Plus I know the 'Joe running off into danger and Nicky reluctantly following' dynamic wasn't popular (I'm a pretty meh on it meself) but I did love how Joe's impulsiveness (if you want to call it that) was interpreted as heroism and not hot-hotheadedness. All of the examples Nicky and Joe talked about included Joe explicitly saving people. (and it also took A Lot for the nazi to actually provoke Joe).

I also feel like their characterization here was closest to the movie canon-- the bit where they hear the woman scream and Joe goes running in to save her while Nicky swoops in on Joe's heels to comfort her while Joe and the nazi were fighting reminds me of the train car scene. Joe had suggested First that they go find Nile because she needed to be protected, and Nicky later added that Nile probably also needed emotional support. Similar reactions.

But it was So Good, the themes of queer community and the enduring nature of queer culture are Not themes you see in media that often and it was such a delight how it was done. Also it's one of the few more modern TTT stories that has a completely valid excuse for taking place when it did. Chef's kiss.

3 Passchendaele

I love the Duality between seeing baby Andy and then seeing Mama Andy in the very next issue. This story doesn't have a ton of meat to it, but the entire concept of Andy adopting a war orphan straight off the battlefield PLUCKS MY TENDER LITTLE HEARTSTRINGS, and I think it's especially poignant for comic!Andy. I think most people wouldn't think twice about movie!Andy doing something like that but comic Andy is so hardened and almost cruel sometimes, and seeing that even for her the world hasn't beaten all of the compassion from her yet is SO!!!!!!! this woman contains MULTITUDES okay, she's violent and angry and tired and Done but she's also so kind and compassionate and THE STRENGTH OF HER!!!!! Also the idea of her and Yitzhak co-raising a kid together is so damn cute. It was #mysterious pre-Yitzhak-story but now it's cute. holy fuck. It's cute.

& the headbonk panel of her and Zeus lives in my heart. anyways.

4 Many Happy Returns

I Know people weren't thrilled about Booker being in this one, but I've developed a pet-peeve about that: this story was *not* booker-centric. Booker only exists in this story to the extent required to explain the importance of the gesture Nile makes towards him. If there was a story about Booker making some grand gesture of kindness to Nile no one would be saying it was Nile-centric. bc it wouldn't be! Booker exists in this story to explore Nile's kindness, its not about him. I saw that a couple times and it bothered me. anyways.

AAAAAAAAAA I loved this one, the art was beautiful, I loved how Andy Nile and Booker were drawn (like their comic selves but.. more looking like actual people). I loved Andy and Nile's Bants, how Andy wanted to jump right in and Do Violence but Nile was basically telling her to hold her horses.

I feel like I'm just repeating the post I made on this story a few days ago, but I LOVED how Nile's plan revolves not around violence or Cool Mercenary Skills but on Nile's own life skills (as she canonly did a lot of minimum wage job-hopping before the marines in comics canon). Her plan used her skills, not the skills of an immortal warrior, and HER SKILLS were in fact more useful for the situation! lov to see Nile's resourcefulness and planning skills.

AND HOW NILE WAS PROBABLY WATCHING BOOKER??? it's so Much bc 1.) nile knew booker A SINGLE DAY and yet he made such an impression on her emotionally that she had to keep an eye on him and 2.) she said in the movie she wanted Booker to get off free with an apology. Yes she's a member of the team but that doesn't mean she's necessarily going to follow orders like a good little soldier. I also love how she convinced Andy to go along with it. her HEART, her KINDNESS, her THOUGHTFULNESS, UGH.

5 The Bear

Honestly I have like no negative things to say about this one other than a.) character design issues which is less about the story itself and is more of a 'tog comic in general' criticism and b.) too short, but it was supposed to be a tease, so.

But I loved Yitzhak, I wasn't expecting to really like him at all but like I said in my other post, he tickled me. I love characters who are Kind™, especially if they have little reason to be so given their backgrounds. Chef's kiss. Lov him.

6 Bonsai Shokunin

I know this one was a little controversial bc of the outsider POV but whenever I see people upset about that they never point out that the Outsider Guy (the samurai) existed as a reflection on Noriko. His ideas are explained in the text to develop hers. The whole story follows how she gave mercy to a scared young man and in response he murdered Noriko, repeatedly! Who gave him the right to inflict such pain and suffering on the world? In his opinion, the lack of response from the gods was his permission. And for Noriko-- over and over again she dies and suffers because she gave mercy, which lines up with her ideas in FM about how it's their fate to rule mortals and if they don't align with that plan/fate/whatever then they suffer. It shows some background to those ideas and how they developed in her mind outside of Ocean Madness™. Additionally, his idea of 'the Gods have done nothing to strike me down so it's fine if I do these things' kind of explains how Noriko may justify her own morally corrupt actions-- she's died so many times and it's never stuck. Maybe if she did die any of those times, or while she was in the water, maybe that would've been a sign she was doing something right, or at least doing something normal. But she hasn't died. Fate isn't done with Noriko yet. And maybe there's a reason for that. In her mind, it's just not a very pleasant reason, is all.

There were things I was kind of meh about tho. I did kind of wish we saw something of Noriko and the team, or smth explaining the way she was before her dip in the pool-- personality, likes dislikes, etc. but it wasn't bad or anything. It was super vague tho, I had to read it a few times before I got what it was going for. Liked the art. Liked the bonsai metaphor. And of course I Respect the decision to use the 1300s (1200s? I don't remember off the top of my head) rather than using the last 200 years.

7 Strong Medicine

Honestly looking back, this one made me kind of sad because both this one and Bonsai Shokunin explored character's ideas on Fate and The Divine and how that intersects with immortality and I totally thought that theme would be continued, especially with Love Letters. But Then It Wasn't™.

Admittedly.... I had to re-read this one to remember most of it. I liked Booker's ideas on God, 'The conductor of the symphony just may not be very good at his trade' but the plot itself was kind of forgettable. Some fuckin cowboys try to kill a doctor (their second) because he couldn't save their sickly brother. Book tries to stop them, gets killed, and then comes back and kills them all before they get the doctor. Alright. I liked the artstyle because the characters were ugly in a similar way that leandro's are, but way more bearable.

I love the Irony of Booker concluding that there is no such thing as fate or destiny and nothing has meaning, AS HE UNKNOWINGLY SAVES MERRICK'S GRANDFATHER FROM BEING KILLED. Booker getting fucked over by life/god/destiny yet again. It also kind of explains about where the fuck hell Merrick's interest in immortal mercenaries even came from.

I originally had this one a lot higher and then I thought about it and moved it down like two spots.

8 Never Gets Old

I liked seeing Booker interact with his kid. And we got a name for the kid! Philippe was a little bitch though, he was a little obnoxious. I liked how Booker was so thrilled to experience a restaurant with his kid (and since we know he was there before, it can be assumed he went with all of his kids and yet he was so charmed each time). It fits with his line to Nicky in the moon landing story about how you don't appreciate beautiful things 'unless you have someone to share them with'. It was charming to see Booker interact with his kid, and to see him so happy. Also lmao @ Booker's big fat Ye Olde Crush on Andy.

However at the same time it was like.. of all the things to write about,,, I guess? Booker's Night Out...... alright. Especially since Book had so many stories.

I don't know, it was alright. The old man killing him really came out of nowhere, (but the 'Salut, asshole!' panel was funny tho).

9 How To Make a Ghost Town

I've hit a point where talking about these stories has gotten less fun. I liked this one but I felt like Achilles getting lynched was not really necessary for a story that was already tragic (a story that already involved Achilles doing a lot of suffering at the hand of bigots). When we first got the blurb for this story I thought it would be about Andy returning to the squad and making friends with Booker after losing Achilles and them butting heads on the idea of family and when to cut off ties. So a little bit of my underwhelmedness about this one might be just my expectations being different.

Honestly I was pretty interested in Andy and Achilles' relationship and I would've liked to see more of them-- like, what was their dynamic like? What did they love about each other?

But anyways Andy leaving and Achilles getting killed anyways feels so pointlessly tragic (which I suppose is the point..... I don't like tragedies) she left to save him and yet people killed him anyway. Meh.

I did love the bits about Andy wanting to have a domestic life (Andy and her multitudes again) and the little detail about how she buried her axe near the road but he buried his guns under his bed-- he was an escaped slave, he never had the luxury of assuredness like Andy did. It was a sad story.

10 Lacus Solitudinis

'You put this one above love letters crim??? how could you???' easy, lmao.

There was stuff in this one I liked. But to talk about stuff I didn't like: (I'll keep it brief, I know ragging on this story has been done time and time again)

UH, setting aside the 6 year cold shoulder between Joe and Nicky, I thought their chosen method of conflict resolution was... bad at best. Nicky's inability to talk about his feelings was also annoying, especially since the entire point of this story is a fight Joe and Nicky had, and yet we don't get both sides to the story, which is...... important? That fact is especially annoying bc in the absence of Nicky explaining his side of the story, it's absolutely a possible (and admittedly probably unintentional) interpretation of the text that we do get that Joe routinely resolves conflict between him and Nicky by simply cutting Nicky out of his life entirely until Nicky just. caves? Even if it takes years?

WHICH i could get into that interpretation and how fucked up i find it. but im not going to. out of restraint.

I don't know, I think there are a lot of interesting ways to go about this conflict but 'Nicky wants to kill a guy and Joe refuses to acknowledge his existence until he stops because he thinks Nicky is too much of a Good Boy to get his hands dirty like that' ('I wont watch as the world turns his (...) compassion into something ugly'. ) wasn't.. how I would've done it. (I mean you know Joe doesn't give a shit about what Nicky is doing in a moral way, because Joe doesn't even care or mention that Booker is killing those cops too. Joe only cares because he doesn't like the idea of Nicky changing in a way he finds undesirable.)

admittedly I've said before, I do like the emphasis Joe's reaction puts on Nicky's kindness. Joe has a complete inability to cope with Nicky simply Not Being Kind. It speaks to the steadiness of Nicky's compassion all those years. but still that fact doesn't make it the conflict feel worth it

hm. I said I would be brief and I wasn't.

oh well. basically I thought there was interesting conflict potential there but it wasn't done the way I would've liked, and the way it was done leaves a lot of disturbing (and again probably unintended) interpretations to lie.

What I did like? Andy and Joe having that pessimist/optimist dynamic. Joe nerding out about science. Andy not being impressed by The Achievements Of Man. I loved Booker needling at Nicky about his outdated slang and also trying to give him Older Brother advice practically in the same breath. I loved Booker giving The Worst relationship advice ever and Nicky being like 'I Will Not Do That, Ever, Thanks.' the family vibes were so good. The Joenicky vibes left a lot to be desired tho.

11 Love Letters

I talked about my problems with Nicky in this story (and Lacus Solitudinis). I don't know, the story isn't bad but I do hold a little bit of a grudge towards it because its very existence begs the existence of a solo Joe story and we didn't get one. If we never got this story, then we could happily count Lacus Solitudinis and Zanzibar as The Joenicky Stories™ and move on with our lives. sigh.

I remember when we first got the blurb for this story I was really curious about why Nicky specifically + the setting, and the answer kind of feels like 'the author had an idea for a story like this and saw ttt as a good enough place to utilize that idea'. Plus I was really underwhelmed by the Romantic Sentiment in the letter. If you look at it line-by-line, the majority of the letter is actually Nicky talking about how lonely and disturbed he is, rather than actual,, yknow,,, Romantic Sentiment. I mean, compare the van speech and this letter and this letter is just kind of meh in comparison. I liked nicky calling joe wise! and I liked the brief sun/moon metaphor! and otherwise it was eh. It didn't even have cute squad banter, which is why Lacus Solitudinis is above this one.

12 An Old Soul

Nun orgy. Nun orgy?????? Nun orgy.......

The whole story felt like a setup to have a nun orgy. Why did Booker have abs? Why did they do that to Andy's nose? ?????? the art was good at least.

nun orgy.

[gyroshrike]

What if Gamzee grew up sober? What would change and what would stay the same? I imagine Goatdad wouldn't be around, so he'd still have his abandonment issues, and you cannot convince me he wouldn't still be the kind idiot he is in Act 5, but how would growing up more observant change him? Would he still type LiKe tHiS?

That really depends where you think his rage/violence/bloodlust comes from.

Is it a natural purpleblood thing?

Is it from the direct mental influence and/or control from Lil' Cal?

His religious crisis

stress of being suddenly sober

troll society's tendency to encourage violence

any potential mental health issues

Or is it the culmination of multiple of the above?

Gamzee's change felt so stark and unnatural to me that I don't personally look at it as being naturally part of his personality.

It also depends on why he used sopor so much.

I personally think he'd still be a really nice guy, but a lot sadder and perhaps prone to having a temper and being a touch more impatient. I think Goatdad's absence affected him a lot and he was probably a really lonely kid, so I do think he would have spent a bit more time being sad than distractedly blissed out. I feel like it’s in Gamzee‘s nature to be a kind, positive person, so I don’t think that part would change much, if at all. @miraclechildask writes a really good sober Gamzee (a lot of my headcanons align with Miracle Child, that's probably why I like it so much), but it's also a Gamzee who stopped doing sopor, rather than a Gamzee who never did. He's still a chill guy, but he has less patience for people's bullshit and still struggles with spouts of anger that he needs to work through.

I also think his chucklevoodoos would be a lot more developed. And even without sopor, I feel Gamzee would probably still appreciate/like whimsical and miraculous things, even if he doesn’t find them as wondrous and entertaining as he would if he was stoned, so he’d sTiLl TyPe LiKe ThIs.