#but KNOWING you���re falling back into shitty coping mechanisms you STILL let it happen

[erigold13261]

some questions

What would Eve even have done if Zuke accepted her offer of getting back together?

How would FR AU turn out if there never was revolution?

I cannot see any timeline or AU where Zuke and Eve get back together in the same kind of relationship they had before Eve set Zuke's hair on fire. They can get back to being friends, or something, but never what they had before.

The only way I can see that is if, for some reason, Zuke is either trying to manipulate Eve or feels like it is the only way to keep Eve from killing someone (which her killing is not something I see happening, bu it is a situation where Zuke would accept the offer). Both of these situations are very unlikely to happen.

But by some miracle that Zuke actually does accept her offer, Eve would become hyper dependent on him. Any kind of independence she had would quickly fall away as she tries to make their relationship her personality as a safety/coping mechanism. She would probably be even more clingy than before, afraid to lose Zuke again.

I'm sure he would try his best to get her help, and she would do anything Zuke said to try and keep him happy and with her, but I really just don't see them working out. Eve and Zuke have put each other on pedestals in their minds to certain degrees and it really fucks with the relationship as a whole.

As for the FRAU, I'm assuming you are talking about a 1st revolution and not a re-revolution.

I would say that things just stay stagnant. Power supply is shit, NSR buildings are power-prioritized, charters and districts are corrupt still. The work environment is not as toxic as it was with a revolution scaring the NSRtists, but it's still not pleasant.

Neon J is still a drunk but 1010 are not feared or hated so they just hang out and are pretty happy overall (or at least content). There is no reason for Neon to try and get 1010 out of NSR as the environment is not horrible and they have enough money to live a pretty good life. There is still some resentment to Tatiana for Purple's death, but there's no added fear or pressure to try and be perfect.

Eve doesn't have an excess of hate and resentment building up in her so she's nicer, but not by much, she stays close to herself and still pushes others away (still not super friendly with Remi).

Yinu and Mama are happy playing and creating music with Yinu not feeling pressured at all and her flowers grow healthily.

Sayu's Crew are bitter and hate their lives in general, but their families are bearable enough for them to stick it out until they all turn 18.

Nova stays the same asshole who only cares for themself really. There is some communication with Neon J, but not nearly as much or as close of a bond between the two as there would be if they were both being pushed together by outside circumstances.

Tatiana isn't nearly as hostile to her employees or other genres as she is in the regular FRAU. She still is very no-nonsense and will punish an employee for their mistakes much more than OG Tatiana ever would, but she also lets some things slip by with just a warning. She has only ever gotten so mad to hurt someone in the instance of Purple, but since she still sees 1010 as just robots it isn't something she dwells on or sees that she did something wrong.

And for B2J, I don't know what would have stopped them from starting a revolution, maybe they accepted they weren't cut out for making music, maybe they were late to the auditions because of shitty infrastructure and weren't allowed to play, or maybe they just got stage freight and decided to try another day. Either way, they both dodged a bullet and live to play on another day.

[takamikeiigos]

Okay I know made an ask already like 2 days ago🙄 but what if hawks s/o had to fake their death on a mission for like a month or 2😮‍💨 and when they come back the first thing they do is look for hawks even though they’re tired, beaten and look like complete shit😩😩 I’m just such a sucker for these kind of tropes !!!

Also how’s ur day been :))

ayo i got you fam!!!

this was legit all i could think of for like 3 days so i hope it's okay!!

Title: "You Came Back to Me"

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences (for now)

Relationships: Hawks x Reader

Tags: temporary character death, violence, drinking as a coping mechanism (minor on hawk's part), emesis

Word Count: 2.8k

Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3

You look up at the villain who currently has you pinned to the floor, your ragged breaths leaving your mouth with every rise and fall of your chest.

His vibrant green eyes are piercing as they stare down at you, his expression wicked and merciless as he presses his foot harder against your throat as a warning.

"Here are your options, darlin'," he pulls his foot away, instead opting to sit back on his haunches. He brushes your hair from your face and rests his hand on your cheek. It makes you flinch and your breath hitch.

"You either find a way to dissappear, or I'll track down that precious little birdy of yours and take his wings for myself."

○ ○ ○

- three weeks prior -

"Let me come with you. Please."

"Kei.." you say softly as you back the rest of your necessities in your bag, finally turning to look at him.

He's on edge, you can tell by his posture. His wings are drawn tight to his back, but his feathers are puffed out. It reminds you of how hair stands on end and goosebumps make them selves known under fear and stress.

"You know I can't.."

"This is too much for one person to handle." His arms are folded across his chest now as he leans against the doorframe of your shared bedroom.

"You don't think I can handle myself?" The words leave your mouth sounding offended, and he instantly deflates.

"That's not what I meant. If you didn't know what you were doing, you wouldn't be working for one of the top agencies in Japan." Keigo steps forward, now in your space, and you can see a faint trace of fear flicker across his face. "I just.. this man is very dangerous, y/n. And if anything happens.."

"Hey. It'll be okay. It'll only be a month and I'll be home before you know it. I won't let anything happen, I promise." Your hand falls against his cheek and he nuzzles into it, both of his hands coming to rest against your own.

"You promise?" he asks quietly, needing one more confirmation that you'll be home and safe in a couple weeks.

"I promise."

○ ○ ○

"Have you made your mind up, sweetheart?" Kimura, the man who has had the utmost pleasure in beating you within an inch of your life, asks. He slams you against the brick wall of the alleyway one more time for good measure, his hand wrapped firmly around your throat.

"Please.." you gasp out, your hands coming to wrap around his wrist, trying to relieve the pressure against your larynx. "P-please promise me you won't hurt him, that you w-wont lay a hand on him.."

He chuckles darkly, tossing you aside onto the cold, dirty floor of the alleyway.

Your vision is blurring, slowly darkening at the edges, but you manage to see him move a few feet away, bending down to pick something up off the ground. You blink sluggishly and suddenly he's in your space once more, holding the object, which you soon realize is your phone, in your face.

"Go ahead, songbird. Give him one last goodbye."

You cringe at the abuse of the nickname that you hold so dear, but weakly reach out and take your phone from his hand, Hawks' number already dialed.

All you had to do was hit send and that would be it.

You close your eyes and rest your head against the brick wall, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. You can feel tears burning as they make themselves known, clinging to your eyelashes and not yet falling to your cheeks. You blame it on the amount of pain you're in, but you know the true reason is because you're absolutely terrified.

You press send.

As it rings you notice Kimura bringing out his own phone, holding it up and aiming it in your direction.

What a sick bastard.

"Baby bird!" Keigo's voice comes cheerfully from the other line. Though it warms and calms your senses, it still makes you sad knowing that he's completely oblivious to what's about to come.

"H-Hey, Kei.." you try your best to keep your voice steady, but the damage from excessive force to your throat is unforgiving and the words leave your mouth sounding raspy and distant.

"Y/n, where are you?" Keigo's voice drops an octave and you can tell his worry has set in, which was exactly what you wanted to avoid.

"I'm okay, just uh," you pause mid-sentence, your throat tightening around the words as tears threaten to spill again, "just got knocked around a lil bit."

Your laugh comes out bitter. You hate the sound of it.

"Y/n. Tell. Me. Where. You. A-"

"Kei, listen. I need you to know how much I.." your voice betrays you and cracks, and you suddenly find that you can't fight the overwhelming fear and sadness coming over you. You weakly bring a hand up to wipe at your battered cheeks, tears continuing to fall and mix with the grime and blood that covers your skin.

You try again to steel yourself, another deep breath falling from your lips shakily, making your lungs rattle. It's becoming harder each second to keep your eyes open and your mind focused, but if you make it through this one phone call, you know you'll be able to rest easy.

"I need you t'know how much I love you. 'N that everything's g'nna be fine. That you'll be okay. And to not c-"

Suddenly a gunshot rings out and your whole world stands still for a split second, before turning completely sideways.

You register warmth blossoming over your abdomen, spreading and soaking your hero uniform. You can hear Keigo frantically yelling from where your phone slipped from your hand and landed on the concrete next to your head. And the last thing you see is Kimura holstering his gun with one hand, tapping away on his phone with the other.

"What a shitty ending for a hero, don't you think?" Kimura grins down at you.

Yeah. What a shitty ending for a hero.

○ ○ ○

The quiet trickle of water finds its way to your ears, and the feeling of something cold and damp against your forehead is a soothing contrast to how hot your body feels.

Opening your eyes feels as though it takes half of whatever strength you have left, and your vision swims. Suddenly hit with a wave a nausea, you lean over and vomit over the edge of the bed you're laying on. Luckily there's a bucket on the floor, and you assume it was placed there for a reason.

That someone placed it there.

In a panic you sit up, your wounds pulling tight and your body protesting. Your vision swims again and it takes you a few moments to ground yourself.

"Ma'am, please don't move too fast. You'll re-open your wounds and you're already in bad shape," a quiet voice projects throughout the room. You look up and notice an older man, probably in his sixties, sitting in a chair next to the bed you're currently occupying.

"Who are you? Where's Kimura?" You grit out, grabbing the edge of the blankets and tossing them off of you. The man in front of you is ready for your attempt at escape and he places steady hands on your shoulders, pushing you back onto the bed.

"Please! My name is Daichi Tanaka, I am a doctor! I found you in an alleyway near Higashiosaka. I would have taken you to a hospital but you begged me not to," the man pleads, his hands persistent on your shoulders.

You glare at him momentarily, before relaxing back onto the bed, still weary of his intentions.

"Kimura? Is that the name of the person who did this to you?" The man - Tanaka - asks hesitantly.

You ignore his question in favor for asking your own, "How long have I been out?"

Tanaka stares at at you, seeming to contemplate answering, but you figure he finally realizes you aren't taking any shit because his answer comes out with a sigh.

"A little over a week. You've been in and out, your fever finally broke this morning."

Over a week. You've been out for over a week and you don't know where you are, where Kimura went, and where Keigo-

Keigo.

It all comes crashing back to you and you lie back, your hands resting over your eyes.

Tanaka seems to have been reading your mind, because he pulls your phone from the nightstand next to you and passes it over.

"I wiped as much blood from it as I could. You have many new notifications and quite a few missed calls. I wasn't able to unlock it to call anyone, but it seems there are many people worried about you." Tanaka stands then, making his way toward the bedroom door.

"I will give you some privacy for now, but expect me to be back in twenty minutes to check up on you."

With that, Tanaka leaves, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

You stare down at your phone, the screen cracked and a few specs of blood and dirt tucked into its crevices. You type your pin in and pull your notifications up, Keigo's name amongst others filling the screen.

You don't realize you're crying until a small hiccup forces its way from your mouth, your cheeks wet with tears.

You notice a voice-mail from him, and though you know it's only going to make you more upset, you force yourself to open it to make sure he's okay.

His voice floods the room and it immediately breaks your heart at how wrecked he sounds. You can tell he's been crying by how gravelly his voice sounds as the message plays out.

"You know," Keigo laughs bitterly over the phone, "I punched Ryosetsu in the face for letting you go on this mission alone. Gave 'im a real nice shiner on your behalf."

The message goes quiet and you can hear what sounds like a glass bottle being opened in the background, Keigo's quiet sniffles also making themselves known.

"Fuck, y/n. They didnt even.. they didnt even find your body. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, huh?

"They wouldn't even let me anywhere near the scene, I had to sit back at the office while they kept me informed. He said there was uh.." you assume Keigo pauses to take a swig of whatever he's drinking based off the tink of the glass bottle, "heh, he said there's a low chance you're even alive because there was so much blood. Fuck."

You grimace at how blunt he is with the statement and how distant his voice sounds. You can only hope that he hasn't been drinking as often as your thoughts are telling you.

"Please come back to me," he whimpers over the message, and a new wave of tears fall down your cheeks. "Please.. I can't do this without you."

○ ○ ○

A few days pass.

Tanaka refuses to take any of your shit.

He most definitely refuses to let you leave until you had one more solid meal in you, and one more day of rest.

You're still a little weak, bruises and abrasions littering your skin ( not to mention the nasty bullet wound Tanaka managed to sew up for you ) but you finally have enough strength to stand and walk on your own.

He pleads with you to stay one more day, just to ensure you're strong enough to be by yourself, but you shake your head and bow before him.

"Thank you, Mr. Tanaka, but I have to keep moving. It might be unsafe for you if I stay."

So instead he writes down his phone number on a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to you, patting your hand briefly.

"You're a strong one, just be sure to take care of yourself." He smiles kindly at you, and you nod before taking your leave.

○ ○ ○

Days go by as you hop around from town to town, only stopping for food and rest.

It's been a little over two weeks since you made the decision to distance yourself to ensure the safety of your friends and Keigo, and nearly two months since you were assigned the mission. While you knew faking your death was the only way to keep people from asking too many questions about why you suddenly disappeared, you weren't expecting to actually get shot and almost die.

You keep up with the recent events as best as you can, continuously watching news coverage and especially keeping tabs on Keigo's agency.

Your breath catches in your throat one day while you're moving through a rural seaside town, large red wings and a familiar hero uniform immediately catching your attention.

A flood of emotions run through you and it takes everything in you to not run up to him and hold him. But the fear of Kimura's prying eyes hold you back, and you steadily remind yourself that you're doing this to protect him.

You keep your distance and watch his every move. He's staring down at his phone for a while and after a few moments it rings. He brings it to his ear and though you can't hear what he's saying, it must be something important.

Because soon enough his wings are spread out and he's taking flight into the afternoon sky.

○ ○ ○

'Pro-Hero Hawks makes appearance in. Tanabe - finds lead on hero killer'

'Hanamatsu hero case still under investigation'

'Top Hero Agency in Japan pursuing hero killer - Kimura'

The news headlines on your phone cause your blood to run cold. How foolish of you to think Keigo would let this go so easily.

To think he wouldn't trace every piece of evidence and go to the ends of the earth to take down someone who hurt you.

○ ○ ○

You keep tabs on him as best you can. It begins to feel like you're stalking him, in a weird way, but you'll be damned if you did all of this just to put his safety on the line.

Keigo stays in Tanabe for the time being, the week passing by in a blur as you track his movements.

You figure Kimura went into hiding since his criminal activity fell flat after your encounter with him, but Keigo is as persistent as he's ever been, nitpicking every lead that comes his way.

A few days later word gets out that Kimura has been spotted in the village of Hidakagawa, just thirty minutes northwest of Tanabe.

You only hope you can get there before Keigo does.

○ ○ ○

Hidakagawa is exactly what you pictured, a perfect little town for a low-life criminal to live under the radar.

Its quiet and rural, its occupants living their lives happily tucked away from the bustling life of the city.

A few squad cars rush past you as you look at the map you have pulled up on your phone. It seems a little out of character for such a small town, so you push yourself forward and follow them.

○ ○ ○

When you finally catch up to the squad cars, the scene before you makes your hair stand on end.

Keigo has Kimura pinned to the ground, battered and bruised, his fist closed around a one of his feathers that he's currently wielding as a blade. A few dozen officers surround the scene, guns drawn and on edge.

Kimura smirks up at him and whatever he says is out of earshot, but its enough to piss Keigo off and send him into a frenzy.

"Kei, stop!" You find yourself yelling shakily. You finally manage to push through the barricade of officers and it's then that Keigo makes eye contact with you, his closed fist halted in the air.

Kimura takes the split second of distraction to knock the blade from Keigo's hand, flipping their position so the winged hero is pinned to the floor of the temple. He pulls out his gun and cocks it, pressing it to Keigo's forehead.

All the while Keigo keeps his eyes on you.

"I thought I told you to stay away, little one," Kimura grits out, wiping a trail of blood from his mouth, "Now it looks like your little hawk is about to lose his wings, all because someone can't listen."

You move on impulse when Kimura turns his attention back to Keigo, and you grab the handgun from the officer closest to you.

You waste no time in firing a bullet, hitting Kimura right in the temple. But as it strikes he squeezes the trigger of his own gun on impulse, which is still trained on Keigo, a second round going off.

- to be continued -

tbh i was super nervous to post this bc im so new to the fandom but here we go!!

also i just made up random characters bc im not quite caught up with the manga, and also picked random spots in japan that i know absolutely nothing about

rip to my writing skills lmfao

♡ ky

[moth-song-archives]

The Insatiable Flow of Time (1/8)

I remembered that I can make posts here too huh! Anyways, I wrote a post-MAG200 fic <3

I’ll reblog it again with the link to ao3 if you’d prefer reading it there :D

Rating: Teens and Up Archive Warnings: Choose Not To Use Categories: F/F Relationships: Georgie/Melanie, Georgie & Jon, Jonmartin (mentioned) Characters: Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Jonathan Sims, the Admiral, Basira Hussain (mentioned), Rosie Zampano (mentioned), Martin Blackwood (mentioned)

Additional tags: Diary/Journal × post mag200 × Post-Canon × Canon Compliant × Rated for swearing and me doing my best to write a fitting epilogue for my most fave story of all time × Bittersweet × Hurt/Comfort × Grief/Mourning × Gentle-Sad-Soft × Fluff × Non-Sexual Intimacy × Tenderness × Generally Hopeful Ending × Ambiguous/Open Ending × Catharsis × You know how TMA is a tragedy? ... yeah × Hope Punk × dealing with the fallout of surviving a literal apocalypse × Moving on and letting go × Trans Georgie Barker × Nonbinary Melanie King × Melanie uses any pronouns but needs to (re)discover this first × and is then mainly referred to with they/them pronouns for diary-simplicity × Melanie is ace in my heart ♡ × Jon is also enby but it only gets referred to in passing × Georgie has a Type™ × Character Study × i love them all so much × Nonbinary aspec author × it's very hope punk and somft BUT ALSO VERY SAD × in like a cathartic way × because i like causing pain :') × pre-written and updates every 2-3 days

I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

As the world tries to piece itself back together, Georgie grapples with her past, her present, and her future by keeping a diary. She also keeps having this strange, recurring dream that involves Jon. Post MAG200.

Finished at ~12k, will upload over the next couple of days <3

Day 3 - Evening

Melanie is sleeping. Basira is also sleeping, on the sofa in the living-room. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, these days, so for now she’s staying with us.

I am not sleeping. I’m so far beyond tired that I can’t sleep anymore. It’s been... how long? More than a day, certainly. I’m at the kitchen table and the night outside is darker than any I’ve ever seen. There are no street lights and a million more stars than I could’ve ever imagined. I wish Melanie could see them too :(

Back before everything in my life went wrong, I used to be really good at this. I think I got my first diary when I was... seven, maybe eight? I used to be obsessed with it. I guess I stopped writing in college, after the incident, because it felt... wrong? Like I was lying to myself, trying to fabricate emotions that just weren’t there, keeping up with things that no longer seemed important or note-worthy. Mainly, I couldn’t make myself care about anyone or anything anymore.

I think I want to find that person again, now that it’s over. Try and… move on? And Melanie encouraged me :) I guess that’s the main reason. I found this notebook in one of the domains when we were rescuing people. I don’t know what I originally wanted to do with it, but I did end up forgetting about it until I went through my bag again today. It smells like fire and is a bit singed in places, but I kind of like that? I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. ...that sounds very pretentious, but this is just for me, so...

And I like that it’s just cheap paper scribbled on with a shitty biro. Maybe I’ll just burn it when all the thoughts are on the paper instead of in my head. When I can sleep again. And the prize for the most dramatic way of closure goes to Georgie Barker! But yeah. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

But I don’t feel any different. Shouldn’t I feel different, now that they’re gone? The entities, I mean, though Jon and Martin seem to be gone, too.

I keep remembering Martin’s expression when he told us to go early, how upset he was.

Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised. As long as I’ve known Jon, he’s always done what he thought best. It used to drive me up the walls, but I also admired it, I think? I never would’ve told him that, but… Well. He’s gone now.

It’s over, all of it.

And I still can’t sleep.

And Melanie is still blind, and I still feel empty, and my fear still hasn’t come back. Everyone who died is still dead, and the trauma is still there. There were angry mobs in the streets, and people got killed.

I can’t quite believe that Jon and Martin went with them. I can’t believe they left us behind to explain the entire mess.

 We’re back in our old flat. It’s so weird to be back home. Everything looks the same, as though no time passed at all. Nobody knows what date it is. How long were we caught in there?

Outside, it feels like spring. There are birds everywhere, singing their hearts out. Sounds like more birds than there used to be, too. The trees are leafless and dead-looking, but Basira pointed out that they’re getting there... and it feels like spring.

I haven’t slept properly in 3 days because the questions keep me awake. It’s not that I’m worrying, really, just… thinking? I think I could sleep better if the worry had come back, but it hasn’t.

As far as we can tell, all modern devices are broken, too. Computers and phones and such, digital cameras, generators... we don’t even know what the rest of the world looks like. I hadn’t realised how much gets controlled by computers these days, we don’t even have central heating or water access in our flat. Rumours and news are spreading person-to-person, like in the Olden Days. We only have emergency systems that were installed in case of nation-wide blackout. I guess I’m glad we don’t actually have a blackout, we just need to get the computers back to work. (If I understood it correctly.)

Melanie thinks it’ll all come back to life in a few more days. I certainly hope so. I also hope I’ll stop feeling like this. Or rather, not feeling like anything. It’s so strange. Like in the first days after the incident, when I just felt numb?

They’re gone! I want to feel like a person again! What if I never get myself back?

 They’re actually gone.

 What will we do with our lives now? Basira isn’t the only one who feels uprooted. I think the whole world feels like that right now.

I hope my computer comes back soon. I miss music, and making things. My photos, all those memories.

I don’t want to lose all of that. I want to start fresh, but not without records of the past.

…I’ve had a lot of time to think about that, specifically. Records, and futures.

What the Ghost is done, right? There’s no fun in creepy ghost stories if you’ve been through an actual, living nightmare.

I think I want to start new with that, too. When everything works again, that is.

New world, new future, new podcast. I like that. I think. Make a record of what happened through eyewitness accounts? Or is that too similar to the Statements… then again, it’ll be more like interviews. And I think we shouldn’t forget.

We owe them that much.

I’ll have to talk it over with Melanie tomorrow. Maybe.

We’ll see.

God, I think maybe… maybe I can actually try and sleep tonight. Writing does seem to help.

 Note to self: thank Laverne for suggesting it. (Also for being there for Melanie. And listening to us. And stopping with that culty nonsense. She’s the only one we found so far, but she actually listened to us. Strange to think that in this world, I have to be grateful for someone not worshipping me for some dumb reason?!)

   Day 4 - Morning

So. Three things.

1) I did manage to fall asleep after all! I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac, especially after the incident, so actually getting some proper rest felt really good.

2) I somehow woke up right as the sun went up! I think I’ve never seen a dawn this beautiful? I watched it from the bedroom window and I’ll definitely describe it to her in detail when she wakes up! The Admiral was sleeping on our pillow, right next to her head, snuggled up against the back of her neck and shoulder... it was so cute. I can’t believe my phone and camera still don’t work! Melanie has that old polaroid camera somewhere but we haven’t found it yet, and I wish my art skills were any better. I did draw a sketch of the two of them though. I’ll cherish it forever, no matter how shitty it is :’)

After everything that happened, the Admiral is still a bit weird around us. He started out really aggressive, calmed down a bit, and now… now he’s weirdly skittish? Meows a lot. Keeps walking around the flat. The only thing that even remotely returns him to how he used to be is tuna. It’s weird.

But seeing him like that, with Melanie? I love him so much.

I think he’ll be okay.

But before I forget, and why I actually got out the diary at this ungodly hour instead of trying to go back to sleep now that the sun is up…

3) I had a really nice dream. And... I don’t even know. I think I want to try and hold onto the feeling? I don’t think I’ve felt that… deeply… in a long while. Maybe the last time was before all this, when we decided to move in together. Before all of this happened.

For a moment, I felt like I was whole again :’)

It didn’t even have Melanie in it, which is very rude tbh. I think Jon was there? The Admiral, too. We were just chilling on the sofa, watching netflix I think... It felt so... mundane??? Casual, somehow??? Like it was normal to feel like that and I just... I want THAT. I want to feel like that again, instead of this weird… blank nothingness? I want that all the time, not just when I’m riding a high or feeling so terrible that it pierces through.

I don’t know if that makes sense but this is just for me anyway so I suppose it doesn’t have to.

 I think I should feel bad about Jon being gone, but I still don’t even feel relief at it being over. Just this vague numbness.

I hate it so much, except I don’t, actually, I just know that I should?

Melanie keeps saying that I need a therapist but if we’re being honest here, I guess I need one the least? The whole goddamn world needs therapy right now. Including the therapists. And I’ve been dealing with this for a long time now.

I guess I keep hoping it’ll just go away somehow.

 Anyways. Enough introspection, I’m going back to bed. I hope I don’t wake them! :)

  Day 4 - Evening

 It’s night now, the sun went down hours ago. We have a bunch of candles, but I’m trying to use them sparingly, so I just have one lit. I put a glass of water next to the candle so now the light gets magnified a bit more. It’s a weird atmosphere, but I kinda like it? Feels… cozy! :)

I’m still not over how everything looks the same, but nothing works like it did before, and there’s this… burden? This collective trauma everyone went through. It feels so surreal. So many things are still broken… it’s like we woke from a collective nightmare, but pieces of it still remain, floating around.

And we just sent it away with the tapes. I really hope those other worlds are doing better than us, but what else could we have done? I… try not to think about it. I know I should, but I still can’t really bring myself to care, or even feel overly guilty for that? …

 Melanie fell asleep with her head in my lap half an hour ago. I was reading to her. She says she loves the sound of my voice, so I’ve started doing that in the evenings. (I still love that we had separate crushes from a distance on each other for ages because of youtube and WTG. We’ve been talking about that a lot, too.)

She still has nightmares, but apparently she’s also been having good dreams, and she looks so peaceful right now. The last few days have been a lot, but in comparison to before, and even before then…

It’s over. We made it out. We get to have a future together. I still can’t quite believe it. :)

 I guess I’m writing again (despite already having done so in the morning) because it somehow helped yesterday and I’m hoping to replicate that. And I have a lot to think about. It’s been a long day.

Basira is still out there, helping out where she can. I think she feels guilty. Melanie says she doesn’t because there was no other choice, but I know her, and I know that she’s lying.

There’s always another choice. We just say that to make it easier to bear.

I hope she knows she can come talk to me when she feels ready to tackle it.

I hope I ever feel able to tackle it myself. No. I will talk to her when I’m ready.

We did talk a bit about things, of course. Melanie doesn’t really remember her dreams, most of the time, but apparently she’s been alternating between horrifying nightmares and a really nice, recurring one that sometimes happens after the nightmares. She doesn’t really remember much of it, but she mentioned it after I told her about the Jon dream. Not what it was about, just… in general.

From the way she talked about it, I think her dad might have been in it? I’m actually not sure, but the way she smiled…

She has that little smile on her lips again, even now, dreaming. The soft one she gets when she talks about good things. About him.

About me.

(I still can’t believe she chose me. How impossibly lucky? How did I ever deserve her? But then, it’s not about that, is it? She is mine, and I am hers, and… life will be good. I know it will be.)

 She’s been smiling a lot more, these past few days.

[thepatricktreestump]

Auden’s YouNow Vids!

Do you want to see me be a dork? Want to hear me ramble on for hours on end? Do you want to see me dance like an idiot and sing like Jacob Sartorious? Are you always preoccupied whenever I decide to stream? Do you want your mom to join the army of middle aged mothers who complain in my inbox about my topics of drug use, sex, and other inappropriate topics? (Yes I’m fucking bringing you up again Laura and Janice.) If so, then here you go! Whatever the reason might be, for entertainment or for finding good roast material, you’re in luck. These are my YouNow livestreams… I do them sometimes to talk to you guys, connect with y’all, and share my stories, jokes, and even myself more easily! *My YouNow is thepatricktreestump*

8.3.17 – 22min Treehouse: very first livestream, back to school tips, summer reading advice, talking about transitioning into high school, some of the classes I’m taking this year… 8.4.17 – 3min Bathtub: giving my bearded dragon a bath, that’s literally it 8.8.17 – 5min Aunt’s House: talking about fics I’m writing, Saudade plans, a shitton of tumblr updates and ideas, being hopeful for the upcoming school year… 8.14.17 – 19min Treehouse: how school is going, my love for hats, tmi period health talk, storytime my starbucks nightmare experience, guy talk and friend group drama, Ryden and Brallon, memes, my bearded dragon eating my homework, no regrets, geometry class stories, me giving my best regards to a chicken… 9.4.17 – 2sec Middle of the woods: Literally two seconds of me walking through a forest with my girlfriend at the time??? I don’t even know 11.14.17 – 5min Bedroom: Last stream with my long hair, talking about dysphoria, introduction of coconut water, showing off art on walls, apologizing for my hiatus… 11.19.17 – 20min Bedroom: Celebrating almost hitting 2.3k followers, new haircut, beanie vs hat, answering tumblr asks, I’m a fast ass typer, my anxiety with adding smiley faces and gifs, freaking out over requests, back at it again with dat coconut water life, being hype for MANIA, being paranoid, flashing a boob by accident, talking about meeting Anthony Amorim… 11.20.17 – 25min Bedroom: birth of the live ice cream mom joke, failing at making jokes, being hype for Christmas, procrastinating on writing Black & Red, answering tumblr asks, penguins, my little sister annoying me, having my writing read on almost every continent, being in a relationship, my social media moms, Twitter talk, being spontaneous af… 11.21.17 – 1hr20min Bedroom: Emo dabs, I listen to songs you’ve recommended me, return of the coconut water, being in love with blood, share some jams of my own, promoting After Laughter and Razia’s Shadow, rap one of my favorite songs, talk about musicals, lots of singing and dancing and reacting… 11.30.17 – 1hr Bedroom: I do my homework, freak out over my life being a mess, listen to some more music, I attempt to speak and sing Spanish, rant about the net neutrality issue, promoting AM and Cybersex, giving a government conspiracy theory, talk about dysphoria… 12.3.17 – 43min Bedroom/Bathroom: I play acoustic guitar, give my bearded dragon a bath, play some covers (WDBWOTV, 90210, House of Gold, Young Volcanoes), some original songs of mine (Sunday Morning, Insomnia, Rabbit Hole, etc.,), advice on how to ask people to use the right pronouns… 12.5.17 -53min Bedroom: Return of the coconut water, I listen and dance to BTS, I go through my art binder and sketchbook, I read and show the original “Poem For Emos” loose leaf, talk about the novels I’ve written, diss sprinkles, talk about the Dubai Anesthesia video…

12.7.17 – 50min Bedroom: Getting injured, finding acceptance through suffering, religion and explaining being an agnostic omnist, 55 questions, the optimism in pessimism, relationships, complaining about ortho, listening to Blackbear, Arctic Monkeys, and Fall Out Boy, transforming someone into a drag queen, more dancing…

12.15.17 - 40min

Bedroom: Listening to more music, talking about Brendon's 12 Days of Livestream, me being hesitant as fuck to livestream, doodling Santa Claus, wearing my S.O.'s christmas sweater, Brendon deciding to stream while I stream...

12.19.17 - 6min

In Bed: just a quick positivity post for you guys, keep doing what you're doing, you are enough...

12.23.17 - 34min

Bedroom: my 2017 in review, Aaron's transition, q&a, saudade, being interrupted by parents and relatives...

12.27.17 - 44min

Bedroom: Ukulele stream, sin blog got marked as explicit, dallon let panic!, playing a shitton of covers (Bad At Love, Creep, I'm Yours, Me and My Broken Heart, Skyscraper, Titanium, Hey There Delilah, This Is The First Day of my Life, Can't Help Falling in Love, Viva La Vida, Immortals, Valerie, Coconut Sharks in the Water, and much more), not really knowing what the fuck i'm doing...

12.28.17 - 1hr7min

Bedroom: reading my hate comments, giving unpopular opinions, roasting my followers, return of the coconut water, finding jeff, following Kaitlyn, jamming out to soul punk, talking about how I fell in love with brendon urie, what to do when home alone, being cheesy about how much I love you guys...

12.29.17 - 15min

Bedroom: messy hair, reading a call to love poem, book review on Pete Wentz's (not) autobiography Gray, I get all my shirts from Hot Topic...

12.31.17 - 56min

Bedroom: last livestream of 2017, talking about the Cabin album, performed my poetry program Because of Silence, read more suicide based poetry, return of the coconut water, improvisational ukulele music jam, I play covers (Alone Together, The Judge, New Rules, Fake Your Death, One Last Time, and more), happy new year's eve...

1.1.18 - 8min

Bedroom: Happy New Year, mall haul (Inside Scoop, Spencer's, Starbucks, Hot Topic), resolutions for the new year, healthy living...

1.4.18 - 47min

Bedroom: trigonometry homework, shitty return of the coconut water, listening to Vices & Virtues b-tracks, jamming out to other music, talking about how YouTubers grow up, the panic! song algorithm...

1.10.18 - 50min

Bedroom: storytime livestream, fuck apologies, changed the names in the story for privacy purposes, return of the coconut water, what happened this weekend, more tea is spilled, how my miserable day went, how I lost all of my friends, lots of drama, I am an honest person, talking about therapy and help, going to my school, mostly life problems...

1.12.18 - 32min

Bedroom: I hit a can for half an hour straight, learn how to play the dodie Heinz bean can song, troye sivan's new single, I throw a can in my face, not a big fan of corn, return of the superman pajamas...

1.14.18 - 7 min

Bedroom: laptop camera test, lots of purple glasses, bitching about finding quality guitar chords, Johnny Boy uke cover very messy and rough and low quality and glitch, me not being able to hit high notes lmfao, wearing my s.o.'s sweatshirt, tyler and josh phone lockscreen, thank you for support on my livestreams...

1.23.18 - 14min

Living room: super fucking sick, winning first place at a speech meet, I took my bearded dragon to the vet storytime, being connected to a pet, talking about joining the bts army...

1.28.18 - 44min

S.O's house: i'm still sick lol, mac and cheese, introducing my s.o. Gray, Q&A, talking about gender identity, unboxing, accidentally being sent surprise item, dad jokes, opening up christmas presents, also featuring Gray's dog Rico, complimenting other people, being addicted to lime hot Cheetos....

2.10.18 - 25min

Bedroom: got a new-ish haircut, crushed an interview for a theater internship, fanfiction recommendation list...

2.16.18 - 44min

Bedroom: valentine's day, wearing a binder, Can't Help Falling In Love cover, talking about how much I love you guys, re-reacting to BTS music videos, fangirling over the Black Panther album, we love and support Vince Staples in this household, Young Dumb and Broke cover, go text someone you miss and rekindle an old friendship...

3.13.18 - 7min

Bedroom: short summary of where I've been, "mental hospital" google doc, updates...

3.30.18 - 12 min

Bedroom: new wall, basically a drunk vlog, very delusional and out of sorts, k-pop ate me alive, being on spring break, talking about how I used to listen to music in middle school...

4.14.18 - 20min

Bedroom: all time low poster, talking about my date night, self-care tips and tricks talk...

4.25.18 - 12min

Treehouse: self-harm coping mechanisms, low quality stream I apologize...

4.27.18 - 20min

Bedroom: Patrick Stump's birthday, talking about the clique and the twenty one pilots comeback, dema theories...

5.3.18

Bedroom: with the bebe

6.14.18 

Park: talking to you after getting off of work

6.21.18

Kitchen: sick, chicken noodle soup, talking about IDKHBTFM and fall out boy

6.22.18

Aunt’s House: my sister in the background, pray for the wicked reaction, just a lot of fun idk

6.23.18

Kitchen: teaching you how to make cilantro lime rice!

6.27.18

Kitchen: ok honestly i forget what this is sorry

7.11.18

Bedroom: twenty one pilots is back bitch

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Okay, here it is, my thoughts on Gotham 3x19. Or more accurately termed, my complaints. I want to warn you right now, it’s just a shitmess of complaining, so if that’s not what you want to read, then PLEASE don’t, you’re under no obligation to do so. But I really needed to say these things for my own peace of mind, so here it is:

You remember how 3x18 ended right? 

Here's my question: why didn't they go with that? Why did they have to redo it? Why did they COMPLETELY retcon tone? Why?

Because, I think we can all agree, what we had at the end of 3x18 does NOT match 3x19. So let’s start with that. And I have some theories about why it changed so dramatically, but first let me clarify what changed: the lighting, the framing, the music, the entire TONE of their confrontation is in a new genre. We VERY OBVIOUSLY change perspective and I’m not sure why, I’m not sure WHOSE perspective we had the first time or whose we have now, I'm not sure we’re MEANT to associate the change with any particular perspective, save that a change WAS made. The only things that didn’t change were the lines themselves and the blocking. Everything else was completely new.

And, in my opinion, 3x19 lost all of the tension that made 3x18 what it was. And perhaps that WAS because we were seeing it again, but the changes also very deliberately took the tension out, they deliberately softened the scene. And, in my opinion, that was a mistake. Because I think their confrontation deserved and warranted the tension we had at the end of 3x18. I think the narrative was built for that, was deliberately developed for an exciting climax and, more even than that, I think that end shot is one of the few perfect scenes in all of film. And I think they, the creators (writers, producers, directors, etc), not Robin and Cory I need to stress, butchered it for reasons I will get to later. And I’m upset about it.

Because their choice, from the get-go, to mute their confrontation changed the entire tenor and dynamic of this episode. And, again, I think it was changed for the worse. But even if we hadn’t seen that bit in 3x18, even if we walked into 3x19 without this pre-existing expectation, I still think 3x19 falls short.

Because isn’t it ODD Ed spends no time freaking out?

Ed accepts Oswald is alive and slips RIGHT BACK into a functioning relationship, or establishing a new one with new rules at minimum, like he's slipping on a fucking glove. And I DO have some justification for that but it's FUCKING WEAK and the thing is, the EPISODE doesn't support it. The episode does NONE of the emotional, intellectual work it was SUPPOSED to. The only reason I can come up with justification is I'm a fucking fan who spends all my time in Ed's brain working out how he thinks. The episode gives JACK SHIT about why Ed reacts this way and I'm FUCKING FURIOUS.

(Spoilers, this is the less edited part where I‘m just really mad about everything and swear a lot.)

So, in all fairness to the writers, you CAN justify Ed’s reaction by saying Ed straight up refuses to react/can't react. You CAN justify it by saying his game-playing is a coping mechanism (which it has been established to be, re: 3x15) so instead of having an emotional reaction to Oswald right there, Ed rejects it and instead defaults to an established schema in which he CAN cope and Oswald, for whatever reason, goes with it. So, to be as even-handed with my criticism as I can be, I can reverse engineer this to a point where it's plausible. But again I had to do that, the episode DOES NOT do that for you.

And, personally, I'm not sure it's really justified in Ed's PATENTLY SHITTY coping mechanisms that he'd be able to save himself this quickly. He’s never been able to cope effectively before, and we might chalk this up to progress, but... it seems unlikely to me personally. And, again, the episode does not justify this assumption, it provides no evidence that Ed is coping at all because we never see him react in the first place, and the previous episodes SURE AS SHIT don’t make the argument that Ed has developed a single dependable coping mechanism. So this progress would be fairly out of the blue. In 3x15, we see very clearly why Ed is playing a game, we understand it, we get a deep inside look at what he’s doing and why. And, sure, they didn’t have time to do that this episode and, sure, the title of the show is Gotham, not Nygmobblepot, all of that is true. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I will attempt to justify why the writers did what they did later, but first I need to explain why I'm upset with it.

So let’s recall, shall we, what Ed’s psychology was like leading UP TO this confrontation. Because it seems VERY CLEAR to me that the writers totally fucking forgot OR deliberately rewrote Ed on the fly and I’m not sure which is worse.

3x14: Ed murders Oswald, or, more importantly, he thinks he does, he believes it, with heartfelt conviction. It’s Kind Of A Big Deal.

3x15: Ed copes with having murdered Oswald, culminating in saying goodbye and embracing his new identity as The Riddler. Also Kind Of A Big Deal

3x16: We take a much needed break from Ed shenanigans. He, apparently, moves out of Oswald’s mansion at long last and begins work on an evil hideout of his own.

3x17: Ed takes his first stab at independent villainhood. His single goal is to find out who the Court of Owls are which... is neither really a success nor a failure. He DOES end up with the Court, but not through his own machinations and neither does he really get any information about them and in the end has to escape from them. I’m calling this a net failure.

3x18: He gets less than 24 hours to stew about his stymied ambition and first setback as a new villain before WHOOPS, OSWALD’S BACK, I GUESS INDEPENDENCE IS CANCELLED.

And, let me remind us, ED HIMSELF says his new identity is formed DIRECTLY OUT OF OSWALD’S DEATH. AND OSWALD. IS ALIVE.

And Ed. is. fine???

Forgive me if I feel this doesn’t fucking line up at all.

Forgive me if I think the BLIND FURY coming from Ed at the end of 3x18 was APPROPRIATE AND JUSTIFIED. Forgive me if THAT’S the version I wanted to see and I don’t understand AT ALL why they went with this completely unjustified, no-stakes, softened mess.

And when you think about it, all lined up like that, the retcon in 3x19 falls apart. You just have to wonder what the fuck they thought they were doing. Because it makes no fucking sense.

So, I'm sorry, I'm SORRY, but... THAT is my problem. THAT. Right there. The fact that they gave NO credit or justification to Ed's emotions. And I am BESIDE myself about it.

And it ruined the entire goddamn episode for me. Because you can't have... jesus fucking christ *headdesk* Nothing we just saw would have been happening if they gave a SECOND'S emotional honesty to Ed, but they didn't. And it's really upsetting because I LOVE the shenanigans of 3x19, I WANT to enjoy them, I just wish I could... :/ they just... they, the creators, fucked up for me, they fucked this up and I can't :ccc You lost emotional veracity and that's EVERYTHING to me. I'd rather have a boring shitty episode that was HONEST than this :ccc Because this BREAKS continuity for me :ccc breaks suspension of disbelief.

But I do have a feeling i know why it changed, why they went with this version. The unfortunate thing is they wrote and SHOT a goddamn perfect scene. But the suspense, the expectation, was so high, they got scared and they backed down. Instead of deciding to push the thematic tensions of darkness and angst, they rewrote it to something light that they could get away with, so they COULD write off this HEAVY, heavy scene as what we saw. Because the show IS for teens and it IS called Gotham, not Nygmobblepot, and I want to admit that. I want to admit that the creators have a different perspective and different priorities than I do and maybe it’s not fair to hold them to this. Maybe I am just being harsh, and bitter, and salty. And it’s true, I don’t run this show, they have to run it, and I believe they’re making the best decisions they can. I don’t want to sound like I hate them even though I disagree strongly with what they’ve done. They’ve got bigger things to worry about than this and... you know, maybe I shouldn’t hold it against them. That’s fair.

But at the same time... what they did was a retcon. What they did was not justified by the build up and it was a betrayal to Ed’s characterization. And, no matter how anyone else feels about that, it hurt me personally. And I’m entitled to that hurt. No one else has to agree or appreciate or even listen to me, but I get to feel how I feel. Just to clarify, this is my feeling, it’s not something anyone else has to agree with or listen to, you have every right to believe I’m full of it.

So I understand they might have had VERY justified reasons for this tonal shift and not dedicating the emotional time and energy they SHOULD have to this. I really want to give them credit and admit that my priorities are not theirs. And yet, at the same time, they had ALREADY dedicated two major episodes, back to back, EXCLUSIVELY to Ed’s emotional development about this. So why stop here, why not bring it home? It seems unfair to me and either stupid or cowardly. At the very best, that's realizing they set themselves up for failure and HASTILY backtracking and having to foil everyone's expectations. At worst, it was shitty showrunning where no one was paying attention. But that’s me being harsh.

Now, after having said ALLLL of that, they can still recover in 3x20. Again, I don’t want to sound like I’ve completely lost faith in the show. It is STILL possible that the writers planned this all along, even if I don’t like the way they’re doing this. (I think it’s a lot more likely they panicked last minute, but that’s neither here nor there.) So, here’s one theory about how 3x20 might go:

The only way (that I could find, you may find a different justification yourself) to justify Ed not losing his goddamn shit about Oswald being alive would be if he somehow doubted/wanted Oswald to be alive. Now, the evidence DOES NOT credit this, as it makes his whole goodbye speech moot (ANOTHER reason I am VERY PISSED OFF, but that is secondary from my theory.)

Let us assume that Ed harbored some kind of hope that Oswald was alive OR, alternatively, feared he really COULDN'T do this on his own. Either way, that means, when Ed sees Oswald, he experiences relief, thus justifying the entire episode. Now... this doesn't 100% fix it as the episode STILL fails to do any emotional credit by them. (Side note, which I might detail later, a LOT of really profound, heavy shit is said and it COMPLETELY SLIDES BY WITHOUT REACTION. Like, the shit IS said but NO ONE DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND FUCKING FUCK ALL OF YOU WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK). BUT, it at least allows Ed to be happy to see Oswald again and it justifies his trust and eager willingness to work with Oswald again.

And, here's the thing, I am FAIRLY sure this theory WILL be supported in 3x20. If I'm right, Ed will suddenly become Very Stable. He'll suddenly be making sense and functioning again. This is because of that RATHER IMPORTANT THING HE SAID, "I'm the Riddler and I became him when I killed you" MEANING he killed part of himself in killing Oswald MEANING he's whole again now that Oswald's back MEANING he's reforming around Oswald and will suddenly be Very Stable. Now, again, that line SHOULD have been WAY MORE IMPORTANT at the time, but... the creators did what they did and we have to live with it and do the emotional work ourselves if we are so inclined.

Now... on the one hand, that I can accept. It was always a possibility that Ed WOULD never be able to function independently and would just have to stay latched to Oswald forever. But... what i wanted, and what Ed DESERVES, is the chance to make that decision for himself. Ed has not truly experienced independence yet, he has not had the chance to fail OR succeed at striking out on his own, so he DOESN'T ACTUALLY KNOW. Which prevents him from self-actualizing. Instead of letting him figure it out and making a conscious choice, thus enabling his character development, no, we gave him back a crutch and refused to let him develop. Which means, eventually, we'll have to do ALL OF THIS AGAIN the next time Ed craves independence. And like... fine, if he eventually decides he can't function without Oswald FINE, I accept that, but LET him decide! Just... PLEASE, GOD. Let him make a SINGLE CONSCIOUS DECISION. PLEASE.

And finally, in total fairness, it is a... remote possibility, but still a possibility, that Ed will recognize he feels better now that Oswald's back, but given it's Ed, Master of Repression, WHAT'S THE LIKELIHOOD OF THAT? Still... in fairness, I will admit that it’s an option, however unlikely.

Now I’m just... really sad. I’m really sorry to complain this much, especially about an ostensibly really nice episode that featured some great things. The premise just... didn’t feel justified to me and it bothered me. So... there, I'm done now, I truly hope I have not affected anyone negatively.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Appointment reflection on current struggles with mood/motivation...

Today’s session involved quite a lot of talking/reflecting, mostly about my low mood/lack of motivation that has taken a noticeably strong grip since Sunday. E helped me to identify and pin-point two major contributions to these feelings, which has settled my mind a little. In short, the first is that I am beginning to wake up emotionally as the effect of ‘starvation’ begins to lift.  This in itself is extremely difficult as one of the ‘coping’ mechanisms that anorexia functions for me is to ‘numb’ my emotions/feelings. This has been a point when I have often fallen backwards/given anorexia more room/say again as I have never really learn to deal with my emotions. Saying that, I have become very good at “riding” the emotional waves, not that it helps me to lessen them, but I have learnt to get through them/ride them out and distract away. Actually facing these emotions and dealing with them is another ball game altogether and one that I will face in time. The second reason is the one we explored most and I can now pinpoint it to Sunday morning when I ended up crying over mum hoovering (it was not her hoovering that caused it, it was just an ‘event’ which opened my eyes). A long story ‘short’; my ‘life�� has shrunk so much and my self esteem is so low, that the only thing that I feel I can “do” to help out/thank my parents for having me at home still/give me some sense of achievement is to hoover/do a few house jobs each day. Of course mum did not know this, and it was not her that upset me, it was the tip of an iceberg and made me see the truth for a split second. When it happened, it was like the rose tinted glasses that anorexia has held so tightly to my face fell off for a second and I saw the shocking reality of what my ‘life’ has become. I get to wrapped up in the anorexic bubble/do so well to distract myself that I lose sight of what has really happened. The truth hurts. It really bloody hurts.

What I saw was a 22 year old girl, sat alone, trapped, isolated, sad, unmotivated, barely ‘existing’ and lost, who has had to put her life on hold for the last 5 years due to a cruel illness that she continues to hold onto/run back into the arms of for ‘safety’. It made me see some of ‘the truth’ of what my life has become and it really hurt. It was not long before the rose tinted glasses were back on, however once you’ve seen such a snapshot it is not something that you can forget/take back.

Talking to E helped, a lot. As we talked we likened it quite a lot to the Trueman show (good book if you haven’t read it/good film if you haven’t seen it - we did it in year 10 for GCSE English) anyway, anorexia is like the life that Trueman has lived for his whole life, it is all he knows and to him it is very real; however it is all staged. His life is a reality tv programme, everyone else in his life is an actor/in on it; everything is controlled and on time and his life has been watched by millions of people from the moment he was born. However when he finds out the truth and sails out to sea only to hit the “edge” of the set, and I suppose in some ways, that shock realisation that he has that everything he has known has not been “real” is the same feeling of utter loss that someone who suffers from an ED encounters when they begin to see that all the rule/numbers/promises are all lies. It is almost a mourning process. Mourning the existence you have been living with the illness, and for the life that you “could have” had. Suddenly you are left having to re-evaluate everything you have known. What is real? and what are disordered untruths? It is like you have been stripped completely naked; your life turned upside down.

It hurts. Really hurts. The ‘safety’ you have known for so long is suddenly not what you thought it was and now you are left not knowing where to turn or what to do with yourself. What is real and what is fake? Who/what is the real enemy? What is the right/wrong thing to do? So many questions. And yet the demon still whispers in your ear, it is still there holding as tight as it can trying to entice you in. The glasses fall back over your eyes and the reality, which you glimpsed momentarily, suddenly disappears. However when you close your eyes you can still see that image clear as anything, imprinted on the inside of your eyelids. It’s scary. Really bloody scary.

I have been feeling so sad/low recently. I have begun questioning what I am even doing with my life/if I really want to go to uni/if it is the course I want to study or whether I am trying to do it to ‘please’ people etc. What is LIFE? What am I doing with myself? How did I get into this state? I am exhausted. And I have never felt more alone/isolated. It all feels so overwhelming and I hardly know what to do with myself or the thoughts that are frantically rushing around my mind. And one thing that hurts quite a lot right now is that there is no ‘quick fix’. This won’t just go away. I can’t transport myself 5 months into the future. This ‘existence’ I have been living is REAL and it hurts to see it as well as to know that it won’t just get magically better overnight, I have to keep living it. I have to stay trapped. You have to go through the “shit” to get to the other side. There is no magic cure, no ‘perfect’ meal plan or treatment team that will take it all go away. Life does not work like that. There is no “answer”. And when you have relied on numbers/figures/rules/high expectations for what feels like your whole life, the fact that there is no answer that you need to search out and ‘find’ is so hard to deal with. The hard truth is that you have to dig yourself out. No one else can do it for you.

I got rather frustrated with myself as I know that all of this “should” be motivating me to fight back and make sure that no more of my life is stolen away by this illness, but the truth is it has only made me feel even sadder. E stepped in here and said that she is not surprised that I feel WORSE; I am only human and this is a really shitty situation to be in. She made me feel listened to and that my feelings/emotions/worries were valid. This part of recovery really sucks, and it sucks even more than before because, as E reminded me, this time I am giving up more control, I am slowly doing things differently. No, it may not be how I “pictured” it but the truth is that there is no “perfect” or “right” way to recover; it doesn’t just happen overnight. Recovery is a rocky road, and it takes time (which really sucks) but, like we said at the end of my session, surely it is worth trying? Giving it a real good go and at the end of the day, the worst case scenario is that you can always go back to Anorexia if, after a length of time, things don’t get better.  Going through recovery can really hard sometime but, and here is where I am putting my hope and trust in E and all the people who have been through this and come out the other side, I hope that it will be worth it. It has to be. Anything is better than *this*. I really really do not want the next 10/15/20 years of my life to be a constant repeat of the last 5/6 years. I can’t. I won’t. And that is why I am holding on; I am not giving up. I refuse to sink and I will not let this illness define me.

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day.