#but I've been rly motivated to work on music and creative things in general more lately so hopefully we'll do better from here

[secretly-a-ghost]

after all these years I'm finally putting a new album out

[the-anonymous-vent-blog]

hi, i just found this blog by searching for "anonymous vent" because i just. i just really need to get this out, but the only friends that i'm close enough to to vent to are going through rough stuff and my part of my vent is about one of them so. and these friends also follow my tumblr. so i'm here.

i'm just so fucking tired. i started music school this year, studying music technology, which i have next to no prior experience with, but i was ready to learn. but it turns out our school is one big shit show where nothing works and a lot of people, like teachers i mean, just don't care. like seriously something like half of the students get burnt out within their first year. and i'm really feeling it too, and i've lost my motivation for learning music technology, bc it turns out they don't really teach us! we just gotta go mix gigs on our own accord and hope it doesn't end up a disaster. and when i seriously have a miniscule amount of prior experience, yea, that doesn't sound very inviting. the latest gig i did i just froze, i panicked and had no idea to do, so two other students did most of the job and i felt completely useless and stupid. and i feel bad and lazy about how i'm not motivated to learn all this stuff on my own, like i wanna know and learn this stuff, but it's not such a passion like that. i dunno. for the first time in my life i have wondered if i'll be able to graduate at all.

in the spring i've got so much stuff coming up, like long term projects every month, some are school, some are work, and some are volunteer stuff. i don't know how i'm gonna be able to handle that. i mean it's gonna be lots of rehearsals, lots of meetings, long nights working. yea.

this year also our country got a new government, and guess what, they're racist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, and all that fun stuff! there's so much drama going on about the new government closing borders and making huge budget cuts that worsen poor people's, students', and families' lives in an unbelievable way, while happily giving money to the already wealthy. that's rly stressful. then there's the ongoing war in ukraine, which actually quite closely affects us. and a genocide in palestine, can't even describe how frustrating and heartbreaking it is. oh yea and also i've now come to realize in our country the media lies and the police are corrupt (i know it's not new to most people in the world, but i've wrongfully believed our country is just and modern). oh right and of course climate change! natural disasters and epidemics that follow that! ain't that fun!

with all of that stuff going on, i've become a much more active citizen, taking part in protests of many different kinds. it's wonderful to feel like i'm able to do Something about the injustices of the world, but when the protests don't give much result, it's frustrating. and it turns out taking part in activism leads to a lot of feelings of guilt for not doing More. and just in general, activism is a lot of hard work, meetings and getting educated, and they involve their risks. so. you know.

and lastly i have two friends who are both severely depressed, both suicidal. one of them is going through very rough treatment right now, and it doesn't look like it's helping, it's just exhausting. at least weekly, i go to bed fearing that in the morning my friend won't exist anymore. i try, i try so hard to tell them that they mean the world to me (and the other friend also tells them that, they both know each other very well), i try to offer to help, to come over at night, to drive them to the hospital when they're especially bad, but it feels like nothing works. i'm just so scared. i love them so fucking much.

so um. i guess that's all. or all the big things at least, going on right now. then i have the general stuff, hating myself, hating my body, feeling so fucking unproductive, i haven't been creative in so so so long.... i feel like i can't get a grip on my life and just get things done, and take care of myself too. there's so much.....

i dunno, i guess that's enough complaining for now. sorry for saying so much. i'm just. i am so fucking tired. i really wish i could just. pause the entire world. and just. enjoy christmas. go sledding. or ice skating. play minecraft with my brother. breathe. but there's just so much going on both in my own personal life and in the world in general that's just. it's all crashing down on me.

Woah. That's alot.