#but I'm really honestly glad to know ppl who like. Dont wanna engage in that b&w morality for every single topic so i can actually talk ab

[bunnyboy-juice]

honestly actually ik the "ride or die, you can have complex feelings about these people who harmed you but i HATE them, you're never wrong" type of friendship is super common n praised n i even can understand why that form of unconditional "love" is appealing, but i genuinely think its the most suffocating form of friendship ive ever experienced

[fairycosmos]

I have gained weight and it's driving me insane :/ i so desperately wanna go back to starving but i know i can't harm myself that way and if i wanna lose weight it has to be the healthy way but it's so incredibly hard i hate myself. I'm sorry for dumping this on you :(

:(( i’m sorry love. you’re not bothering me, so dont worry about that at all. i can definitely relate to struggling with feeling okay in your own skin, and during times of stress like these the anxiety about it tends to crop up a little more. it seems as though the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing is amplifying your self hatred, to the extent that gaining weight feels like your worst nightmare. when it really has no bearing on your worth as a person, or on your future, at all. i know it’s a learned feeling, and that you’ve spent a long time internalizing negative ideas about weight gain, so i understand that self awareness doesn’t make it much easier. but it’s a good place to start. i’m really glad you can recognize that starving yourself won’t lead to anything positive, and that it does nothing but perpetuate a cycle of self destruction. because you honestly that you deserve so much more than that. maybe that sounds like a throw away statement but i cant stress it enough - no matter how you feel when you look in the mirror, you need nourishment and energy, and having low self esteem doesn’t change that fact at all. you must try to anchor yourself in the priority of taking care of your needs, first and foremost. there is nothing wrong with eating and giving yourself  sustenance. try to deconstruct any shame that comes with the topic of food or having a changing body. we dont have to look the same our whole lives, nobody really does. it’s normal to grow and go through phases. fluctuation is the most natural thing in the world, it’s not a crime. i think it could be a good idea to take some time to question your beliefs, to examine each bad thought you have about yourself. what does the weight gain mean, why is it a source of guilt, who taught you to think that way, does it change anything about who you are, why does it feel like such a big deal to you, what unhealthy behaviours were you engaging in before to remain at a lower weight? you’ve already established that you don’t want to harm yourself which is absolutely wonderful and a sign of genuine progress, but now it’s time to take that approach with bullying yourself, too. i’m not saying you have to push away emotions like guilt or sadness, because repressing them may make them come back stronger. no, it’s ok to sit with them and to accept them. to let yourself cry, to vent to those you trust about whats going on, even to write about it to clear your head a little. but know that those feelings are not a reason to go to extreme measures to achieve a body that is most likely impossible to achieve. you know they put those ideas in our minds, make us feel like there’s something wrong with existing as we are so they can sell us the ‘solution.’ unlearning those ideals is a time consuming and arduous process, but very possible all the same. if you’ve struggled with an ED in the past, this is probably more deeply rooted than it seems and i’d recommend getting in touch with a professional, even just from home - an ED hotline, or your doctor may be able to refer you to someone. i know it’s a daunting prospect but reaching out and having the perspective of other ppl will prevent you from feeling like self harm is the only option. it’s ok to reach out, i promise. words probably seem pretty empty to you rn, but i really hope you’re able to work through the self hatred one day at a time, because that seems to be what’s setting it all off. try to consciously remember what you like about yourself, even if you have to force that mentality. set small positive goals each day, stay hydrated and find an eating pattern that works for you. put your health first. treat yourself often, let yourself live. breathe. you’re not going to feel this way for the rest of your life, especially if you actively work on subverting the self hatred, by not isolating yourself, by eating often, and by taking care of the body you’ve got. sending you a lot of warmth, let me know if you need a friend x